Happy Birthday Gail!

Happy, Happy Birthday to my beautiful wife, Gail. We met when she was 15 and I was 16. (Hard to believe we're already in our 40's!) Time flies when you marry your High School Sweetheart... a woman who just keeps getting more and more Incredible every year. Here's to the center of my Universe! 

*****

100 human brains, preserved in jars of formaldehyde, have disappeared from a lab at the University of Texas. 

- Police say this type of occurrence is extremely A. B. Normal. (Courtesy of one of my all time favorite movies, Young Frankenstein).

*****

Physicist Stephen Hawking is warning that Artificial Intelligence could end mankind. 

- But "Artificial Boobs" will likely outlast us all.  

- By "Artificial Intelligence" he's referring to your "Fake Facebook Friends" who actually believe you want to see pictures of their cat dressed up as Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials. 

*****

Retailers say that 127 million Americans made credit card purchases on "Cyber Monday". 

- And 127 million hackers used those same credit cards to buy big screen TV's on "Totally Terrific Tuesday". 

*****

A restaurant has opened in Abu Dhabi that uses roller coasters to bring customers their food. 

- Critics gave the food a big thumbs up.....and....then...an even bigger thumbs....DOOOWWWNNNN!

*****

Burt Reynolds is auctioning off 600 personal items because of financial trouble. 

- One is the Golden Globe he won for "Boogie Nights" and the other 599 are Toupees. 

*****

A female Indian game show host was slapped by a studio audience member for wearing a short skirt. 

- Apparently they play "Jeopardy" a little differently over there. 

- In a related story...a female contestant on India's "Wheel of Fortune" was arrested for buying a vowel without a male family member's permission. 

*****

Madonna appears topless in this month's edition of Interview Magazine. 

- Ho Hum. 

- You know the Christmas Season has officially begun when Madonna dusts off the old snow globes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

He Was Arrested...But Not The Cardiac Kind!

A 51 year old Pontiac man was arrested after stealing an ambulance outside McClaren Hospital Sunday night so he could drive to a strip club in Sterling Heights. 

- He's out on bail...which he paid in Singles. 

- And if things "went well" at the Strip Club...he'd have plenty of antibiotics on hand. 

*****

Airline officials are considering a ban on carry-on luggage amid reports that terrorists are plotting a Christmas attack. 

- So no fruitcakes in the cabin this year...except for that one super happy male flight attendant. 

*****

Computer hackers have stolen five new movies from Sony Pictures and released them on the internet, including "Annie" which doesn't hit theaters for another 3 weeks. 

- Sometimes it really is "A Hard Knock Life". 

*****

A study published in Clinical Pediatrics found that scooters lead to the most toy-related injuries among kids.  

- And for the moms, most toy related injuries occur at Toys R Us during hair pulling fights over who get's the last "Elsa the Ice Queen" doll from the movie "Frozen". 

*****

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's aunt suffered a fatal stroke while arguing with him on the phone. 

- They were arguing about his plan to execute her, so the stroke really just saved time. 

- If Kim knocks off anymore of his relatives, there's gonna be a lot of leftover "Roasted Schnauzer" after the family Christmas dinner. 

*****

The Girl Scouts of America announced that they will now be selling cookies online. 

- There website crashed just moments after Rosie O'Donnell and Chris Christie heard the news. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Ladies & Gentlemen...Start Your Computers!

It's Cyber Monday...the "Black Friday" of online shopping...with deep discounts available on just about everything on the Internet. 

- In the Hacking community, "Cyber Monday" is known as "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year". 

*****

President Obama spent part of the Holiday weekend shopping for books at a Washington bookstore. 

- He got Michelle a copy of "The Joy of Cooking... With Kale". 

- He got himself a copy of "Obamacare For Dummies". 

*****

The new Hunger Games sequel was tops at the Box Office for the second straight week, taking in $56.9 million. 

- Meanwhile the film "The Chinese Hunger Games" took in double that amount...because everyone who saw it, wanted to see it again an hour later. 

*****

NASA scientists are developing a way to make rocket fuel out of human waste. 

- Insiders know the program as "The Kardashian Project". 

*****

James Cameron told Empire Magazine that the upcoming sequels to his film "Avatar" will literally make fans "poop their pants".  

- So I'm thinking this would not make a great "First Date" movie. 

*****

An Italian scientist is studying the learning benefits of posting scientific facts onto pictures of female breasts. 

- Sounds like somebody's wife found his stash of Playboy magazines...

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick 

"Go Blue" Saturday After Black Friday!

It's Michigan and Ohio State! And in honor of The Big Game (or what USED be The Big Game)... we take a trip back in time and play a classic Doc Andrew's Half Time Show bit written by Gene Taylor.  

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday! GO BLUE!

-Dick 

It's Almost Time To Get Stuffed!

It's Thanksgiving Eve...the busiest travel day of the year. According to AAA, 46 million Americans will be taking to the roads. 

- And those are just the ones headed to the grocery store to pick up the Cranberry-Sauce-In-A-Can they forgot to buy yesterday.  

*****

Thanksgiving Eve is also considered the biggest drinking night of the year. 

- Except if your at Bill Cosby's house...then you just need ONE drink with a little pill in it. 

*****

Pope Francis made headlines for traveling around France in a regular sedan. 

- He figured he didn't need the bullet-proof glass since the only thing people hurl in France are insults. 

*****

Katie Holmes says that, as a divorced parent, she feels a ton of pressure when she's picking out Christmas presents for her daughter. 

- And Tom Cruise says as a single Dad, he feels a ton of pressure picking out "L. Ron Hubbard Day" gifts for his robotic off spring. 

*****

Billy Joel says that President Obama offered him a cigarette during a recent visit to the White House. 

- Billy really needed the smoke after crashing his car into the White House fence and being wrestled to the ground by the Secret Service. 

*****

George HW Bush and former first lady Barbara were caught on the Kiss Cam at a Houstan Texans game. 

- These days, he means something entirely different when he says "Read my lips..."

*****

Oddsmakers have picked the Lions as 7-point favorites over the Chicago Bears in Thursday's Thanksgiving Day game. 

- Yes Virginia...There IS a Santa Claus!  GO LIONS!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow on Turkey Day! 

-Dick

Bills Bury Jets In Ford Field Snow Job!

Last night's transferred to Ford Field NFL game between the Buffalo Bills and the New York Jets turned out to be a Bills' Snow Job... 38-3. Since I was born and bred in Buffalo, I've always been a fan of the Bills, Buffalo Wings, and snow. But NOT 6 feet of it! 

*****

President Obama says he won't do much campaigning in 2016 because "Americans want that new car smell". 

- That and he's already lined up a boatload of tee-times. 

- That must be why he fired...I mean...accepted Chuck Hagel's resignation. Because Americans want that "new Defense Secretary smell".

*****

A study by the University of Leeds found that restroom hand dryers spread more bacteria than paper towels. 

- Which means absolutely nothing to the 80% of men who don't wash their hands in the first place. 

*****

A viral video of three Washington grandmothers smoking pot is expected to lead to increased marijuana use among the Senior set. 

- So now we'll understand why older people go for the "Early Bird Dinner" at 4pm...they've got the munchies. 

- So Grandma's no longer just bake cookies...they get "baked" themselves. 

*****

Angelina Jolie says that "Cleopatra" could be the last movie she acts in. 

- Meanwhile Brad Pitt wants her to KEEP acting...but STOP adopting. 

*****

The New York City Fire Department hired a man who admitted to starring in 10 gay pornography films. 

- His former co-stars said they thought he'd become a cop because he was "One of New York's finest". 

*****

Rio unveiled a bright yellow, cat-like figure that will be the mascot for the 2016 Olympics. 

- Don't we see enough Cats on Facebook? 

- They were going to give the cat pink eyes, but were afraid Bob Costas would start having flashbacks. 

*****

Russian hockey coach Viktor Tikhonov, who led the team that lost to the U.S. in the "Miracle on Ice" has died at the age of 84. 

- Given that the Russian's lost...the REAL miracle is that he didn't die waaaaaaaay sooner. 

- The doctor who told his family was cruel... He said "Do Your Believe in Miracles??? Well don't, because he's not coming back." 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Wednesday...Thanksgiving Eve! 

-Dick 

Talk About A Turkey!

It's Thanksgiving week! 

- The week we give thanks that we've never been invited to Bill Cosby's place for a cocktail. 

*****

The Buffalo Bills and The New York Jets will square off at Ford Field tonight after a 6 foot snowstorm caused the NFL to moved the game from Buffalo. 

- Since the Bills are 5-5 and the Jets are 2-8, for long time Lions fans who attend the game, it'll be like "old home week". 

*****

Speaking of football... The NFL has announced that "I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It" singer Katy Perry will headline the upcoming Super Bowl Halftime Show. 

- Which is a nice change from some of the players who are known for "I HIT a Girl and I Liked It". 

*****

The Rolling Stones are playing a series of concerts in New York to celebrate the 45th Anniversary of their album, "Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out". 

- Now days, when their female fans get their ya-ya's out...They immediately fall on the floor. 

- Things have changed...Now instead of performing "Brown Sugar" they'll sing about the packets of "Sweet & Low" they steal from Denny's. 

*****

Nestle is working on a drink called "Exercise In A Bottle" that simulates the effects of going to the gym. 

- It raises your heart rate, makes you sweat, and then after a week, you stop drinking it!!!

*****

Jerry Bruckheimer confirmed that Tom Cruise will star in Top Gun 2. 

- It will be just like the original where he gets the girl...but this time she dumps him when he tries to make her become a Scientologist. 

- I'm just glad he's not re-making "Risky Business"...at 52 years old, I don't think women want to see him dance in his underwear anymore. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #143: "Big Round Objects"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #143....featuring a return visit from former "Purtan's Person" and Hollywood connection Tom Delisle.  Subjects include: 

-The spacecraft that managed to land on a Comet going 40 thousand miles per hour. (After a ten year trip to get there). 

- Speaking of big, round objects...the "Miss Butt Brazil" Contest. 

- More "pageantry" with the "Miss Hitler" Competion. 

- Why the movie "My Cousin Vinny" doesn't get a four star rating from Comcast. 

- What late night TV show host may have ruined comedy for years to come. 

- How Jay Leno got the Tonight Show away from David Letterman and/or Richard Dawson. 

- And finally, a great story about the Great Gordie Howe. 

So tune out the lousy weather... and tune in... to Podcast #143! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog. 

-Dick 

Prison Wedding Bells Are Ringing!

The mother of 80 year old Charles Manson's 26 year old bride-to-be says she doesn't approve of her daughter's fiancé. 

- What is it with Mother-In-Laws? Is NO ONE good enough for their "little girl"???

*****

A survey found that 58% of single adults say they've felt pressured by their parents to get married. 

- The parents obviously feel that if Charles Manson can get married...THEIR kid can get married too. (Are you listening Jackie???) 

*****

The Interim Chief of the Secret Service admitted that the bureau's reputation has taken a severe hit. 

- Of course none of the Secret Service Agents actually saw the hit...but they now admit that it happened. 

*****

"Thor" star Chris Hemsworth was named the "Sexiest Man Alive"

- And Bill Cosby was named the most "Dangerous Man Alive". 

*****

A survey by Transunion found that 63% of consumers are worried about identity theft. 

- The other 37% are computer Hackers. 

*****

A New Jersey policeman was arrested for pulling men over and approaching their cars with his genitals exposed. 

- It was the first time in history the people being pulled over were the ones saying "Put your hands in the air". 

*****

RIP... Mike Nichols.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

The "People" Has Spoken!

People Magazine has named Australian actor Chris Hemsworth of the "Thor" movies as this year's "Sexiest Man Alive". 

- Wow. I really thought Larry King was going to take it this year. 

- Meanwhile Anthony Weiner has named HIMSELF the "Sexiest Textiest Man Alive". 

*****

Yesterday was the coldest November day in the US since 1976. 

- Gail and my high school friends Don and Gerrie Jeffe live in a suburb of Buffalo known as the "Southern Tier", which is the snow belt, and are currently "enjoying" almost SIX FEET of snow. Two other high school friends, Phyllis and Harry Goodrich, live in a Northern suburb of Buffalo... and have NO snow on the ground at all! 

***** 

A study published in the Journal Microbiome found that a 10-second kiss transfers 80 million bacteria between partners. 

- If Madonna kisses Charlie Sheen...the number of bacteria is higher than the National debt. 

*****

According to a new report, wildlife officials have reported multiple incidents of seals sexually harassing penguins. 

- Apparently even Seals are suckers for guys wearing a tux. 

*****

Brazil has finally crowned the winner of their "Miss Butt Brazil" pageant. 

- The winner has been tooting her own horn ever since. 

- Wouldn't ya love to know what she did for the "Talent" portion of the competition???

- According to pageant rules, if her right cheek is unable to perform it's duties for any reason, her left cheek will take over. 

*****

TLC is premiering a new show featuring three families that give up all technology and move to the wilderness for a year. 

- Wouldn't it be cheaper to just show re-runs of "Little House on the Prairie"?

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Weather We Like It Or Not!

Near record low temperatures...snow squalls...and wind chills dipping below zero on this Tuesday NOVEMBER 18th!

- As Jackie's son Charlie said on the way to school this morning..."Apparently Mother Nature is in a REALLY bad mood!"

- It's so cold out that Kim Kardashian posted a picture of herself on Instagram...wearing a pair of XXXL shorts that cover her butt. 

*****

80 year old Charles Manson has gotten a marriage license and plans to marry a 26 year old woman next month, who regularly visits him in prison. The prison has assigned a wedding coordinator for the big event...but there will be no conjugal visits and Manson isn't eligible for parole until 2027. 

- No conjugal visits? I guess he won't be able to start that Second "Manson Family" he's always wanted. 

*****

A study by Wayne State University found that giving Energy Drinks to toddlers isn't safe. 

- Apparently it can lead to the "REALLY Terrible Twos". 

*****

A study by the Children's Hospital of Pittsburg found that 33% of teenage girls have been asked to send a racy picture to a guy. 

- And of that 33%, half were asked by Anthony Weiner, and the other half by Bill Clinton. 

*****

The President of Turkey says that Muslim sailors discovered America 300 years before Christopher Columbus did. 

- So the nursery rhyme should actually go: "In Eleven Hundred and Ninety-Two...Mohammed Sailed The Ocean Blue". 

*****

U2 postponed their Tonight Show appearance after Bono broke his arm in a Central Park bike accident. 

- On the bright side, a video of his arm being put in a cast is being automatically downloaded to your iTunes account at this very minute! 

******

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year???

First stick-to-the-ground snowfall of the season...and we're 34 days to the official START of Winter! Time to shine up your Stoshes's Galoshes...

*****

Two Brazilian cannibals were sentenced to 20 years in prison for cooking their roommate. 

- Their lawyer claimed the two didn't know it was illegal to eat Ground Chuck. 

- Or was it Peanut Butter & Jerry? 

- Moo Goo GUY Pan? 

*****

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell made headlines by accepting the President's invitation to meet for a glass of Kentucky bourbon. 

- You can tell things aren't going well for the President...During his first term he hosted a "Beer Summit"...now he's moved on to the hard stuff.  

*****

George W. Bush poked fun at Bill Clinton for not being on Instagram yet. 

- Turns out Bill WAS on Instagram, but his account was shut down for posting too many "girly" pictures. 

*****

A study from the University of Utah found that men have developed a better sense of direction than women. 

- Duh!

*****

Vladimir Putin says he left the G20 Summit early, with his four warships, because he was tired. 

- That, and he was late for an invasion he had planned that afternoon. 

*****

Kim Jong Un visited a North Korean food factory.

- Apparently "Food Factory" is the Korean term for "Dog Pound". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dickj

Purtan Podcast #142: "Another 'Round' With Tom, Dick & Jackie"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #142...with special guest, the always interesting Tom Delisle. Today Tom, Jackie and I delve into a cornucopia of topics including: 

- People panicking when hitting certain ages.

- How a magazine subscription gift led me to catch my Prostate Cancer early in 1992.

- The lack of civility in today's world...especially in the Middle East. 

- How I got served a beer in a bar when I was 14 years old... and my current experience with 52 calorie beer. 

- Two more of my showbiz tidbits: Meeting the actor who played Ben Hur's father and Bobby Vinton. 

- How much of the music that I played and built a radio career around that I actually DIDN'T like. 

- And Tom's depression back in the late '60's that he claims was brought on by Bobby Kennedy and yours truly. 

So crank up your thermostat...and the volume...and join us for Podcast #142!   (47:51)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

"What Great Nuts And Bolts You Have!"

According to a recent U.K. poll, 1 in 5 people say they'd be willing to try sex with a robot. 

- But they said it would have to be a "really hot" robot. 

- The good news is you can't catch an STD from a robot...but you can wind up with a case of WD40. 

*****

Frosty the Snowman arrived on my front porch today...minus his corn cob pipe.

- The way things are goin' today..he probably left it at a Pot Party in Colorado.

*****

AAA says the massive drop in gas prices is driving up demand for large, gas guzzling SUV's. 

- Which will work out great for that first fill up before the gas prices shoot up again. 

*****

This months issue of Paper Magazine features Kim Kardashian's butt on the cover. 

- Well, part of her butt. They had to put her left cheek on the back. 

- Kind of makes that naked and pregnant cover of Demi Moore look like a Norman Rockwell painting. 

*****

In related news...Vanity Fair has confirmed that Hillary Clinton will be on next months cover. 

- But in order to build suspense...they won't say what color pantsuit she'll be wearing.

*****

A new study found that the inability to dance may be genetic. 

- It has something to do with the Y chromosome...along with the "M", "C" and "A". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick 

Change For The Better...NOT???

A British study found that people who get sex changes wind up regretting it. 

- Proving that the grass isn't always greener...especially if your surgeon uses a weed-whacker. 

*****

Paul Rand says that Hillary Clinton is "too old" to run for President. 

- Ironically, Bill's dates are too YOUNG to run for President. 

- The Democrats now say the GOP is waging a war against OLD women. 

*****

A Colorado waiter was fired after mistakenly serving alcoholic drinks to a two-year-old girl. 

- They knew she was drunk when she asked the busboy to come back to her playhouse and ordered a round of chicken fingers for everyone in the restaurant. 

*****

According to reports, Miley Cyrus is dating Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. 

- And Arnold is dating Miley Cyrus's housekeeper. 

- Hopefully this guy can get her to "Terminate" her "Twerking". 

*****

Fox News host Megyn Kelly accidentally introduced former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee as Mike "F---abee". 

- It takes me back to some of the great moments from the "Jerry Springer Show". 

*****

George W. Bush went on the Today Show to unveil a painting he made of him and his father. 

- It was actually a paint-by-number....#41 and #43. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Veteran's Day 2014

I think the above quote is perfect. To all of our Veteran's...Thank You!

*****

The Post Office confirmed that their employee database was breached. 

- Hackers were able to get postal workers names, social security numbers, and the names of the most feared dogs on every block in America. 

- Experts warn this could happen to Fed-Ex employees too...but the hackers will get the information much quicker...like overnight. 

*****

Rush Limbaugh is threatening to sue the Democratic National Committee for defamation. 

- The head of the DNC said, "Oh yeah? Well.......Ditto!" 

*****

An employee at a North Carolina Wal-Mart was caught on surveillance cameras using deodorant sticks and returning them to store shelves. 

- The man started sweating profusely when confronted...but still smelled like a Cool Ocean Breeze. 

*****

A New York Grandmother celebrated her 100th Birthday by going skydiving. 

- Amazingly, her boobs hit the ground before she even pulled the rip cord. 

- And to think most people are just happy to make it onto the Smucker's Jar. 

*****

A court ruled that Oscar Pistorius cannot get home surveillance because he could easily detach the leg that his monitoring bracelet is on. 

- Why don't they just put it on his other leg...no, wait...

- Besides, letting him stay at home could put dozens of potential "intruders" in danger of being shot.  

*****

Prince William and Kate Middleton are visiting New York next month to announce their new wild life charity.

- Meanwhile Prince Harry will visit Las Vegas next month to get drunk with a bunch of hot hookers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Dennis Influences The Menace???

Dennis Rodman says that North Korea's decision to release it's last two American hostages came after he sent a heartfelt letter to his BFF Kim Jong Un.

- Look for Dennis in a new series of waffle commercials with the slogan, "Let Go My EGO!"

- It's a rare man who can look good in a wedding dress AND effect international diplomacy.  

*****

Congratulations to the Lions on their 20-16 last minute win over the Miami Dolphins yesterday...putting them in first place in the NFC North Division with a record of 7-2! 

Looks like the Lions have actually "Restored The Roar" this year! 

*****

A study at the University of Washington found that chemicals used in dog food may be able to extend human life. 

- On the plus side you'll be able to catch a Frisbee in your teeth...on the downside, you'll spend those extra years dragging your butt across the carpet. 

- We could live to be 105...which is like 735 in dog years! 

*****

Pepsico is experimenting with a soda that tastes like Doritos. 

- Its for people too lazy to actually eat and drink at the same time. 

- They'll also be a Diet version of the Pop...with 50% less powdered cheese. 

- We've already got "Mountain Dew"...I think they should call this one "Mountain DON'T". 

*****

A survey found that 60% of Americans trust online dating sites. 

- They don't trust anyone they MEET on them, but they do trust the sites. 

*****

Forbes magazine named Vladimir Putin the World's Most Powerful Person of 2014.  

- Putin is said to be powerful and generous. In fact they say he'll give people the shirt off his back...if he ever wears one. 

*****

Sesame Street debuted on television 45 years ago this week. 

- 45 years is a long time to have someone's hand up your butt...no wonder Oscar's so grouchy. 

- The shows creator says that not much has changed, but admitted that due to osteoporosis, Big Bird isn't quite as Big as he used to be. 

- To celebrate, all of this week's episodes will be brought to you by the letters L, I, P, I, T, O & R. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Get Well Gordie!

Great Red Wing Legend Gordie Howe is said to be resting comfortably after suffering a serious stroke at his daughter's house in Texas Sunday morning. His son Murray Howe, a Doctor in Toledo, says Gordie, who is 86, is able to speak, but has limited movement on the right side of his body and needs help walking. Gordie also suffers from dementia and underwent successful spinal surgery for back pain this summer. 

So please join me and the entire Purtan Family in sending Prayers for a speedy recovery to a great athlete... and a great man. 

*****

The 18,000 sq. ft. Grosse Pointe Shores mansion of Art Van Furniture founder Art VanElslander, originally listed at $15.9 million was sold at auction yesterday for an undisclosed price. 

- They don't know how much it went for, but we do know the deal included no money down, no interest for four years AND Art Van paid the sales tax!

- The home was closed the day before the auction so employees could slash the price to the absolute lowest of the season. 

*****

Macy's announced plans to open it's first-ever store in the Middle Eastern country of Dubai. 

- It'll be located in the downtown area right next to "Bed, Burka & Beyond". 

*****

Taco Bell announced that they'll start accepting orders by phone to cut down on wait times. 

- Great news guys! Imagine how impressed your date will be when you tell her you don't have to wait in the drive-thru line! 

*****

Duck Dynasty star Jep Robertson, who is recovering from a seizure he suffered during a hunting trip, says it was like something he's never seen before. 

- Like a dentist. 

*****

Dolly Parton told Billboard Magazine that Christians should start accepting people as they naturally are. 

- Funny... Dolly never felt that way BEFORE she had the implants. 

- Which is great advice for everybody but Bruce Jenner who has NO IDEA who he "naturally" is. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"Not Tonight Honey...I Had Ebola"

The CDC is warning Ebola survivors to abstain from sex for at least 6 weeks. 

- Who would have sex with someone who just got over Ebola...except for Charlie Sheen? 

*****

A new line of men's boxers promises to protect a man's "family jewels" from harmful cell phone rays. 

- The ray-blocking underpants are especially effective with the iPhone Sex...uh, I mean, 6. 

- This will work great for everyone but Anthony Weiner since he normally doesn't wear pants when he's using his phone. 

*****

The U.S. Postal Service announced plans to start delivering groceries. 

- They just have to figure out how to get a stamp to stick to a head of broccoli.

- If I don't get Christmas Cards delivered to my house until Easter...what are the chances they're gonna deliver my Chunky Soup before it's expiration date? 

*****

The mother of Oscar Pistorius's murdered girlfriend says that her daughter never had sex with Oscar during their 3 month relationship. 

- Right...

- I don't believe her story any more than I believe Oscar thought he was shooting at an intruder in his bathroom. 

*****

A study by the University of Missouri found that plants can tell when you're eating them. 

- So when that bowl of Chili starts "talking back to you"...it's not the spices, it's the ticked off tomatoes. 

*****

A new book claims that John F. Kennedy Jr. engaged in a torrid affair with Madonna. 

- Madonna left the relationship with some really great memories...and JFK Jr. left it with an unexplained rash.

*****

A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits as long as they're legal. 

- So apparently you can't bring a gun to school in Nebraska...except on Picture Day! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Lions Pull Off British Invasion Of Falcons...

Lions Win over Falcons 22-21 at London's Wembley Stadium. Bloody well played! 

*****

President Obama hosted Ebola survivor Nina Pham at the White House over the weekend. 

- She may have beaten Ebola, but she got even more nauseous after eating the Kale-Kebobs and Brussel Sprout Layer Cake Michelle served her for dinner. 

*****

A new survey suggests that online dating is becoming more popular than meeting someone at a bar. 

- But some of the old rules still apply...for instance most women say they wait until the 3rd email to have virtual sex with the guy. 

*****

UPS says it expects holiday shipments to jump by 11% this year. 

- So if you're wondering "What "Brown can do for you"...just know they'll be doing 11% more of it. 

*****

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner says he's opening a restaurant. 

- Hot Dog! 

- Let's just hope Anthony isn't in charge of picking out the pictures for the menu. 

- Interested waitresses are being asked to send a brief resume on Twitter. You'll know your hired if Weiner Tweets you back.  

*****

Russian Facebook has narrowed down it's "Miss Hitler" pageant to 10 finalists. 

- It's just like any other pageant, except "Miss Congeniality" isn't all that "congenial".

*****

John Denver posthumously received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

- Unfortunately his family from Colorado missed the unveiling, as the plane they were flying, ran out of gas. (Sorry...)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick