In Space...No One Can Hear You Snore!

NASA wants to put astronauts into a deep sleep to save money on the 180-day trip to Mars. 

- They'll either inject them with anesthetic or play a continuous loop tape of "Anchorman 2". (Sorry if you thought it was funny...I thought it was beyond bad!)

*****

Despite the dramatic increase in cases of Ebola, the White House announced that the President is not considering a travel ban to/from West Africa. 

- So you can put that trip to Liberia that you've been wanting to take - back on your bucket list...and then kick the bucket! 

*****

The Supreme Court cleared the way for an expansion of same sex marriage in five more states: Indiana, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin and Oklahoma. 

- So if a Lesbian in any one of those five states gets her girlfriend pregnant, she can now make an honest woman out of her! No, wait...

*****

Demi Moore has offered to help ex-husband Ashton Kutcher and his fiancé Mila Kunis with their new baby girl, Wyatt. 

- It makes sense...she's kind of like the kid's Grandmother. 

- Luckily Demi saved all the toys she bought for Ashton when they were dating! 

*****

Bruce Jenner showed up at an Elton John concert the other night with an even more flowing hair-do and white earrings. 

- Elton and Bruce have a lot in common...although Elton's a lot more manly. 

- Bruce's favorite song used to be "Rocketman"... now it's "The Bitch Is Back". 

*****

FBI agents arrested a Chicago teen at O'Hare Airport who was leaving to join ISIS. 

- Remember the good old days when rebellious teens just sneaked behind the school to smoke a cigarette??? 

*****

FBI Director James Comey says there are two kinds of American companies: those who've been hacked by the Chinese, and those that don't know they've been hacked by the Chinese. 

- To find out which company you work for, check the FBI's handy chart labeled, "Column A and Column B". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The Fat Lady Sang...

Tigers swept out of Playoffs with Game 3 with a 2-1 loss to the Orioles yesterday. On the bright side, you can get tickets to today's Game 4 at Comerica for a song...

Making the Sports weekend worse: 

Lions lose in the final seconds to the Bills after Buffalo nails a 58 yard field goal... and Michigan comes up short against Rutgers, 26-24. 

But being the glass-is-half-full kind of guy that I am...let's not forget that the Spartans shucked the Nebraska Cornhuskers, 27-22. 

*****

In a speech Sunday, President Obama promised to fix the economy "for all hard working Americans". 

- So it looks like members of Congress and Secret Service Agents are gonna be on their own. 

- Wouldn't it be great if they fixed the economy so all Americans who want to work hard can actually find a job?

*****

An exclusive WXYZ Channel 7/Detroit Free Press poll found that 93% of people in Michigan think our roads are in bad shape. 

- Ya think??? 

- The other 7% didn't respond because they're still stuck in the giant potholes they fell into last winter. 

*****

TNT has cancelled the updated version of "Dallas" after three seasons. 

- On the bright side...we could wake up tomorrow and find out the announcement was just part of a bad dream. 

- To show you how times have changed, instead of "Who Shot J.R.???" audiences will be left wondering "Who Sent A Drone To Take Out Bobby???"

*****

The horror flick "Annabelle" was the top grossing film at the box office this weekend. It tells the story of a tiny doll that terrorizes the country. 

- It's subtitled "The Miley Cyrus Story".  

*****

A mild earthquake struck Las Vegas on Sunday morning. 

- No injuries were reported...but it did knock a woman off her seat at a slot machine, marking the first time she's moved in 27 years. 

- People who live in Vegas were shaken by the quake, but not nearly as shaken as the tourists who woke up Sunday morning and realized they'd married someone they didn't even recognize the night before. 

*****

Apple plans to release the next generation iPad on October 16th. 

- Apple pops out new members of it's family so often they should have their own reality show..."iOS 8 and Pregnant".  

*****

Have a great day, I'll see you back here Tuesday, and GO TIGS!!!!! Ooops...

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #138: "Polkas, Bagpipes, & Cheese...Oh My!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #138...featuring a return visit by Joe Noune, a "Purtan's Person" on my radio show for many years. Subjects include:  

- Voting "Scotish Style"... Who needs paper ballots when you've got kilts to raise? (So many hanging chads...) 

- The "beauty and ease" of playing the bagpipes...because you only really have to know how to play one song.  

- We play the classic "Polka Grammy" bit from my morning show, featuring Joe as Howard Cosell judging the nominated Polkas. (note: you might want to turn up the volume for this part).

- Why a new study on multi-tasking may spell bad news for women...and hardly affect men at all.

- Favorite old time TV shows and characters. 

- How men don't pay attention to food "expiration dates" and what Mexican restaurants put in their Refried Beans. 

And...

- A  "Secret Purtan Family Recipe" involving Velveeta cheese...and how we lived to tell about it. 

So grab onto your Bagpipes and join us for Podcast #138!  (37:15)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!

Tonights the night... Game One of the Play-Offs between the Tigers and the Orioles, in Baltimore. Max Scherzer on the mound.  Game time: 5:37pm. GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!

*****

After mounting reports of lapses in security, including the revelation that a man rode an elevator with the President while carrying a gun, Julia Pierson, the Head of the Secret Service, resigned yesterday

- In Washington "Resigned" is the code word for "Don't Let The Door Hit You On The A** On Your Way Out". 

- Her temporary replacement said the Secret Service will step up their efforts to protect the President "by hook 'r by crook".

*****

Microsoft announced that the operating system replacing Windows 8 will be called Windows 10. 

- They decided on Windows 10 because "Wallside Windows", "Majic Windows" and "Hanson Windows" were already taken. 

*****

According to a new study, married men live longer than single men despite the fact that single men are thinner than their married counterparts. 

- Bottom line: Married men will be older when they die, but single guys will look better at the funeral home. 

*****

P. Diddy told an interviewer that Jennifer Lopez's booty is a "work of art". 

- If JLo's is a "work of art", then Kim Kardashian's is an entire Museum. 

*****

A study of U.S. Treasury Securities found that we're borrowing an astounding $8 Trillion a year. 

- If don't know how much 8 Trillion dollars is...it's A LOT. 

- Here's an idea, take 10 bucks from the 8 Trillion and buy a lock for the White House front door. 

*****

The first case of Ebola has been confirmed in the US...with dozens, possibly hundreds of people at risk who came into contact with the patient. 

- Obviously our "Immigration Policy" on viruses isn't working any better than the one we have with people. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Friday with a brand new Podcast! (#138)

-Dick

Rosie Shows Her Thorns!!!

They've only been back on the air for two weeks, but Rosie O'Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg got into a heated, expletive laced argument during a commercial break on "The View" Monday, leaving the audience stunned. Rosie was mad that Whoopi cut off her comments on spanking kids to go to a network mandated break. 

- The audience was only stunned that the two actually got along for two weeks before throwing the F-bomb at each other. 

- I understand Rosie's point...think of the millions of viewers who had to wait 3 whole minutes to find out whether or not they should spank their kids! 

- It's an historic day when Whoopi Goldberg comes off as the rational one. 

*****

The World's Oldest Clown, Floyd "Creeky the Clown" Creekmore has died at the age of 98. 

- In lieu of "Flowers that Squirt Water", his family has requested donations to the "Everybody Can Be a Bozo Scholarship Fund". 

- "Creeky" performed right up until the end, although because of his age, he wasn't allowed to drive the tiny car filled with 27 of his co-workers at night. 

*****

The White House held a state dinner for India's Prime Minister despite the fact that he's fasting. 

- Holy Cow! 

- He's not the first visiting Prime Minister to claim he was fasting after seeing Michelle's "Vegetable Dessert Tray". 

- The good news is, there was plenty of extra food for the uninvited guests who just strolled into the White House during the dinner. 

*****

A study by Princeton University found that 20% of women who decide not to have kids say it's  because of the economy. 

- The study also showed that 45% of women who DO have kids say it's because they forgot to take their pill. 

*****

Swimmer Micheal Phelps, the most decorated Olympian in history, was arrested for his 2nd DUI after going 84 in a 45mph zone, and crossing the double yellow lines in a tunnel. 

- You'd think after all those laps, he'd at least be able to stay in his own lane. 

- I'm shocked that anyone would pass in a tunnel...unless they happen to be late for their radio show at CKLW. 

*****

California passed a bill making it mandatory for both parties to give oral consent before sex can commence. 

- It's known as the "Discourse Before Intercourse" law. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Maybe Morris Isn't The Only One With A Concussion...

U of M Concussion Controversy Continues - Statement from AD released at 12:10 AM said QB Shane Morris suffered a "mild concussion".  Nobody saw anything. Bizarre. Maybe they should hire the Secret Service to protect the players...

Then again, maybe not...

After Secret Service members themselves reported more than 1000 instances of "security lapses", a new report claims the Secret Service is not capable of protecting the President and his family. 

- Not true! They stopped that guy who jumped the fence, ran across the lawn, walked in the unlocked front door of the White House and made it all the way to the East Room on the second floor before he hurt ANYBODY! 

*****

Hillary Clinton told reporters that she won't discuss her granddaughter, Charlotte. 

- Same thing she said about Benghazi. 

- Meanwhile Bill can't stop talking about the baby... And has put himself in charge of finding the perfect nanny. 

*****

Pope Francis told followers that "a nation that doesn't take care of its elderly is a nation without a future." 

- Techinically, it's the "elderly" who don't have much of a future. 

*****

A Liberian newspaper is standing by it's claim the U.S. manufactured Ebola. 

- This story would be a lot more credible if we actually manufactured things here in the U.S. 

- Obviously the fact-checkers didn't see the "Made in China" stickers on the bottoms of all the patients. 

*****

Beyonce made big news by switching her hairstyle to include bangs. 

- She's trying for that always popular "Mamie Eisenhower Look". 

*****

A Delaware man was killed while crossing the street to get to a funeral home. 

- I believe that's known as "cutting out the middleman". 

- On the bright side, he was headed to a visitation, so he was already dressed in a really nice suit. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Tigers 4-Peat!!!!!

For the fourth year in a row the Tigers have won the American League Central Division Championship. They open against the AL East champs, Baltimore, on Thursday in Baltimore. Tickets for play-off games at Comerica, are, as of this writing, still available. Go Tigs!

More good news for Detroit Pro Sports... as the Lions beat the NY Jets 24-17 bringing the Lions early season record to 3-1. 

On the College front...

Congrats to the MSU Spartans who steam-rolled the Wyoming Cowboys 56-14. 

Not so great news for Michigan as the Wolverines lost their second straight home game at the Big House... this time to Minnesota, 30 to 14. It's only the 4th time in 47 years that the Golden Gophers have taken down the Wolverines. 

Much unhappiness and controversy over Brady Hoke's coaching and his handling of QB Shane Morris in Saturday's game. An obviously wobbly Morris was allowed to stay in the game...and even return after sitting out several plays... despite displaying concussion-like symptoms. Story developing... 

*****

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a bouncing baby girl on Saturday. Her name? Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. 

- Bill was so excited that Hillary even let him hand out Cigars. 

- No word on whether this will effect Hillary's decision to run in 2016, but Democratic strategists are already hinting that Charlotte will make a run for the White House...in 2052. 

*****

The FBI says that only 12 Americans are currently fighting for ISIS and not the 100 who were originally reported. 

- That according to the ISIS on-line dating service.  

*****

North Korean officials announced that Kim Jong Un, who hasn't been seen publicly in three weeks, is "suffering from discomfort". A European tabloid claims it's due to his addiction to cheese. 

- Can you blame him? Who doesn't love a good Schnauzer Kebob with a Cheddar dipping sauce? 

- Or it could be as simple as too many Hot DOGS.  

- His doctors feared it could be something more serious, so Kim had them executed. 

*****

72 year old Barbra Streisand's new album, "Partners", debuted at #1 on Billboard, making her the only artist in history to have a #1 album in six different decades. 

- Barbra had no idea until her chauffeur-slash-husband James Brolin said he heard it on TV. 

- Songs include: "People...Who The Hell Are All These People???" and "Somewhere...I Know I Left My Keys Somewhere". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #137: "A Wink...And Who Gave Jeter The Nod"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #137! Today the always entertaining former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune joins Jackie and me at the Purtan dining room table to tackle some of today's most pressing issues including:  

- Is it better to be a Facebook friend or a "Real" friend???

- Larry King and his infomercial for "The New Zealand Green Lipped Mussel".

- The incredible amount of products on store shelves these days compared to the "Old Days". 

- Why Joe and I are confused by the hanging signs at both ends of the grocery aisles. 

- Joe's experience buying feminine hygiene products for his wife...and himself. 

- Wink (The Winker) Martindale and his show "Name that Tune". (Prepare for an impromptu acapella performance) 

- Joe's crazy theory on how Beethoven may have "faked" being deaf to increase sales of his music. 

And...

- The late, great Howard Cosell (via Joe) talks about Michigan native Derek Jeter's retirement from the Yankees... and what former Detroit Tiger Ace scouted and recommended Jeter. 

So for an in-depth analysis of stuff that doesn't really matter, turn off the cable news and tune into Podcast #137!   (42:16)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog... 

-Dick 

Tigers And Red Wings Both Big Winners Today!

This afternoon, the Illitch family is holding a huge Ground-Breaking Ceremony for the new Red Wings Arena and the new Entertainment District along Woodward just north of Downtown. It will be followed by a Block Party from 6 to 9 pm, with family friendly events including live bands, food trucks, and a temporary ice rink. To add to the festive mood, the Tigers have clinched a play-off spot. They have a 2-game lead over K.C. with 4 games left to play. The magic number is 3!!! 

*****

In less happy news... After 100 years in Detroit, Cadillac is moving it's global headquarters to New York City. 

- Why??? If they can make luxury cars there...they can make them anywhere! (Including here!) 

*****

Bill Clinton may have accidentally leaked the sex of his soon-to-be-born grandchild on Good Morning America. He referred to the baby as his "Grandson" before quickly adding "or Grand daughter".

- Bill's hoping it's a boy so he can take him fishing, teach him baseball, and meet all those co-eds when the kid heads off to college.

- Boy or girl, this will be Bill's first grandchild... that we know of.

*****

American soft drink makers announced plans to reduce sugars by 20% without comprising taste.

- The plan includes attaching a packet of pink, blue or yellow artificial sweetener to each can...either that, or they'll just lie about the amount of sugar on the label.  

*****

A story about a Florida woman getting a third breast in hopes of landing a reality show turned out to be a hoax. 

- We already have a reality show with 3 Boobs...it's called "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". 

- I thought "The Three Stooges" nailed the 3 Boob thing years ago. 

*****

Ringo Starr told reporters that there's no way there will be a Beatles reunion anytime soon. 

- Apparently nobody bothered to tell Ringo that John and George are no longer with us. 

- In addition, he added that he has no plans to appear on "The Ed Sullivan Show" this fall. 

*****

A British chef introduced a burger that tastes like human flesh. 

- I think we already have a product like this...it's called "Manwich". 

- He claims he uses only the finest ingredients including "Ground Chuck". 

- He plans on expanding the menu to include "Frank and Beans".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

We Don't Care Either...But At Least It Doesn't Involve Terrorists...

It's Official...Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. 

- She's says he's "not the man she married"...at this point, she's not even sure if he's a man. 

- Insiders say the couple has a "Toxic Relationship"...wait...Don't they mean a "Bo-Toxic Relationship"?

*****

The National Counterterrorism Center confirmed that home-grown militants have sneaked back into America. 

- They were going to used doctored passports and disguises, but decided to just walk in from Mexico instead. 

- Luckily, the front door to the White House is now locked. 

*****

Whoopi Goldberg was named the Grand Marshall of New York's upcoming Halloween Parade. 

- In a related story...due to her recent weight loss, this year Rosie O'Donnell will not be attending the Parade as a Float. 

- You don't really need a Parade in NYC to see a lot of people dressed up in scary outfits. Just walk through Times Square during lunch hour. 

*****

Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg's new San Francisco neighbors claim his construction people are hogging all of the parking spaces on their block. 

- To make it up to them, he gave everyone a free life on "Candy Crush Saga". 

- Wow...usually you have to actually meet your new neighbors before they "Unfriend" you. 

*****

Bill Clinton says he's expecting to become a grandfather any day now. 

- In unrelated news...Chelsea's about to have her baby! 

*****

Charlie Sheen is in talks to return to "Two And A Half Men" for it's final season. 

- You know what that means...Extra tips for the Hookers. 

*****

President Obama has taken a lot of heat for saluting two Marines with a cup of coffee in his right hand while getting off the Presidential helicopter. 

- Ever since, he's been getting another kind of salute from people all over the country. 

- If you think he's in trouble now, imagine what Michelle would have done to him if it had been a Big Gulp full of Regular Coke. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Help! It's Fall... And I Can't Get Up For It!

Autumn arrived at 10:29 last night making today the first official day of Fall. 

- As opposed to September 1st through the 22nd which were "Unofficial Fall". 

- I refuse to let go of Summer yet...I'm just switching to my thermal sandals and fur-lined shorts. 

*****

Yesterday the Obama administration announced that in response to a former US Soldier jumping the fence and making his way into the White House with a knife last week, they will now keep the front door locked. 

- They'll also put an "ADT" sign on the front lawn and install one of those fake "Barking Dog" motion sensors. 

- Don't tell anyone...but they're going to leave a key under the doormat in case the President leaves his in his Golf Bag. 

- Good to see they've finally got this whole "National Security" thing nailed down.  

*****

A study by the University of Sydney found that, like humans, there are optimistic and pessimistic dogs. 

- But all dogs are "Piss-i-mistic" when it comes to your living room carpet. 

*****

Starbucks is testing a beer-flavored coffee which is meant to taste like a Guinness. 

- They're trying to capture the all important "Beer & Scones" market. 

- To counter the move, Budweiser is introducing a beer that tastes like coffee. It's called "French Roast Light". 

*****

Santa Monica, California announced plans to host the world's first "Vegan Octoberfest". 

- There isn't enough beer in the world to wash down a Bratwurst made out of Chick Peas. 

*****

University of Michigan football coach Brady Hoke says he's not worried about getting fired despite the team's poor start. 

- It's that kind of positive thinking that has landed the Wolverines where they are today. 

- Why do I feel an "I'm retiring to spend more time with my family" speech coming on? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

CHARLIE'S 13TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Jackie's son Charlie is the big 1-3 today! He's a TEENAGER. Last Friday, she dropped him off at the front door of the school... This morning he wanted Jackie to drop him off two blocks away, in a rental car, so his buddies wouldn't see her. And so the fun begins! 

Happy Birthday Charlie!!!!!

*****

The Secret Service says the knife-carrying man who jumped a fence and walked in the front door of the White House was not a serious threat. 

- If you really want to get to the President don't go to the White House...go to a golf course. 

- No wonder we can secure the southern border...The Obamas don't even lock the front door of their house! 

- Dontcha hate it when people just drop by your house without calling first? Especially when they're carrying a knife.

*****

A study by the National Sleep Foundation found that 45% of children are allowed to use electronic gaming devices in their bedrooms. 

- The study also found that 85% of their parents have "gaming devices" in their bedrooms...but instead of electricity, the run on batteries. 

*****

Sad news from the world of Reality TV... "Mama June" and "Sugar Bear", the stars of Honey Boo Boo, have broken up. They split after she discovered he had put up a dating profile on "PlentyoFish.com". 

- They'll divide their property equally: She'll get all the broken appliances in the back yard and he'll get the chevy pick-up on blocks in the front.  

- Sources say Sugar Bear is leaving to be with "an unnamed woman"...If I was that woman, I'd want to be "unnamed" too. 

*****

In a newly released video, a spokesman for ISIS called Sec. of State John Kerry, "The old uncircumcised geezer". 

- In a display of true Statesmanship, Kerry replied "Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!"

*****

A Booze Cruise ran aground at the Statue of Liberty, forcing all 121 passengers to be evacuated. 

- Thus the quote on Lady Liberty: "Give me your tired, your over-served, your huddled masses yearning to pee".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Kilts To The Hilt

Scots On The Rocks With The UK???

Scotland is voting today on whether or not to secede from the U.K. which they joined back in 1707. 

- The Scots won't use paper ballots...they'll just vote "up or down" by raising their kilts. 

- Brings back memories of all those Hanging Chads...

*****

ISIS terrorists released a trailer for a propaganda movie called "Flames of War". 

- There are now more ISIS videos on the internet than "Ice Bucket Challenges" and "Cute Cat Clips" combined. 

- If the trailer works as they hope, the movie will Bomb. 

*****

The MacArthur Foundation revealed its annual list of "Genius Grants". Winners will receive $500,000 a piece. 

- Congratulations to Kim Kardashian for NOT making the list for the 10th year in a row! 

- Ironically, not one guy from the Genius Bar at the Apple Store made the cut either. 

*****

A new report says the child vaccination rate in Beverly Hills is lower than it is in the Sudan or in Chad. 

- Put another way, "Chicken Pox is the New Black!"

- But Beverly Hills has way more kids named "Sudan" and "Chad". 

*****

Health authorities say areas of Syria that are controlled by ISIS have much higher rates of STD's. 

- Apparently the jihadists are excited by the 72 Virgins waiting for them in Heaven...but are even MORE EXCITED by the Hookers here on earth. 

*****

Apple added a "delete U2 button" so iTunes users can remove the free album that was automatically sent to their libraries. 

- I spent the whole morning looking for the button, But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#137)

-Dick 

Miss America: "I Can Like Totally Like End Wars!"

The new Miss America says she has an incredible diplomatic opportunity to broker peace between Russia and Ukraine. 

- It should work out great if Vladimir Putin likes "puffy clouds and long walks on the beach" as much as she does!

- And suddenly Dennis Rodman looks like Henry Kissenger. 

*****

Federal Investigators say over 100 young American women have joined up with terrorists in the Middle East. 

- Apparently they were tired of living under their Dads' rules and wanted more freedom... Good luck with that ladies! 

- This is actually good news... They're really gonna slow down the terrorist missions by constantly stopping and asking for directions. 

- Most college age girls like to get bombed on Saturday night, not actually do the bombing. 

*****

A new poll says that 63% of Americans have no idea who's in control of the House. 

- Of the remaining 37%, half think it's "Mom" and the other half thinks it's "Dad". 

*****

Music insiders say the first Live Whitney Houston album will be released on November 10th. 

- Can you say "Bobby Brown needs bail money again"? 

*****

London offered Scotland "new powers" if they vote "No" on seceding from the U.K. tomorrow.

- If that doesn't work, they're sending in Prince Harry and his friends in their Nazi Uniforms. 

*****

A transgender Colorado girl named Scarlett, who used to be known as Andy, was crowned Homecoming Queen by her class. 

- She says she's just like any other girl who used to be a guy and "puts her pantyhose on one leg at a time". 

*****

In the wake of all the recent scandals, the NFL hired four top level domestic violence experts. 

- They start each session with the players by saying "Are You Ready For Some COUNCELING???"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Mohammed & Jill, Went Up The Hill...

The FBI says ISIS terrorists have written a recruiting poem that promises 72 virgins for them in Heaven. 

- It's designed to appeal to the ruthless, murdering jihadists more sensitive, romantic sides. 

- The poem would really go over well with potential female terrorists...but they're not allowed to read. 

- One of the verses says: "Blowing Yourself Up Has Lots Of Perkas! Like 72 Chicks...Without Their Burkas!" 

*****

The Clinton's made an appearance at the Iowa Steak Fry. 

- Hillary spoke on stage for 23 minutes, while Bill lassoed 23 cowgirls behind the corn dog stand. 

*****

Pope Francis married 40 couples who were already living together during a ceremony at the Vatican, despite the Church's strong stance against "living in sin". 

- When you think about it, letting them get married is a great way to stop them from having sex. 

*****

Hurricane Odile struck land in Mexico injuring 84 people. 

- Put another way, Hurricane Odile injured everyone still living in Mexico. 

- Odile? Apparently Kim Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow are co-chairs of the "Hurricane Naming Committee". 

*****

Rosie O'Donnell told Vanity Fair that she's returning to "The View" because she's much happier and healthier now that she's lost 53 pounds by having her stomach stapled. 

- Well Whoopi for her! 

- Next the producers are going to work on stapling her mouth. 

*****

A study by USA Today found that 58% of NFL players have suffered concussions. 

- Tomorrow they'll reveal how many concussions their wives have suffered. 

*****

ESPN says we need to re-program the violent way in which we raise men. 

- So look for the "ESPN Fantasy Pilates Play-Off's" coming soon to a TV near you. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

In Sickness & In Health? That Depends!

24-year-old Playboy model Cathy Schmitz married 81-year-old Australian Billionaire Richard Lugner over the weekend. 

- She said it was “Love at first sight!”…of his bank balance. 

- Despite their wealth, they celebrated at Denny’s because he gets the Senior Discount and she can still order off the kids menu. 

- Friends of the couple say it won’t be long before the lovebirds will be changing Diapers… 

- They actually have a lot in common…her biological clock is ticking, and as of this writing, so is his heart. 

*****

Sarah Palin says she owes America an apology for losing the 2008 election to Barack Obama. 

- According to most polls, Barack Obama owes America an apology for Winning the 2008 election. 

*****

Scientists have discovered a plant-eating dinosaur that weighs more than a T-Rex. 

- They’re calling it a “Vege-Sauraus”. 

- They discovered the bones near a the ruins of a “Whole Foods” store. 

*****

British Prime Minister David Cameron says he’ll be devastated if Scotland and England break up. 

- Insiders say he feels the same way about Beyonce and Jay Z. 

*****

A report by USA Today says 38 NFL players have been arrested this so far this year. Last year a total of 57 were arrested. 

- So if you want to kill two birds with one stone, forget watching “Cops” and just tune in to Monday Night Football. 

*****

Ray Rice and his wife received a huge ovation from the crowd when he returned to his high school football field on Saturday. 

- It makes sense if you consider that in his senior year he was voted “Most Likely To Beat The Bejabbers Out Of Your Future Wife In An Elevator”. 

- So they’ll boo a ref for making a bad call, but they applaud Ray Rice…It’s good to see they’ve got their priorities in order. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #136: "2000 People And One Bathtub!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #136. Our special guest Dale Johnson of the Salvation Army joins us as we "rehearse" a 2-minute presentation that we're giving on "Harrison the Bed & Bread Truck" before an audience of 2000 people. What makes it interesting is not only the content, but the fact that we "practice" it exactly as it's written...typos and all. Dale, who wrote the script, blames the errors on his 5 year old cousin who he claims typed it. But wait! There's more...

- I explain why I had to hand-sign all 4,025 copies of the poster pictured above for the Salvation Army Junior Bed & Bread Club. 

- We talk of the Ray Rice controversy currently dominating the NFL and the tragedy of Alex Karras. 

- For a little "Musical Interlude"...Jackie explains the bathtub routine she used to do with her son Charlie when he was a toddler - that made sure all of his "important parts" got squeaky clean. 

- I explain why of my six daughters, the revelation that daughter #5, Jessica, was a girl stands out most vividly in my mind.

From the Stage to Bathtub to a Basinette...it's all here in Podcast #136!  (26:44)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick  

Remembering The Unforgettable...

Today marks the 13th Anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks on 9/11/2001...the date, to borrow the words spoken by Franklin Delano Roosevelt on another tragic day in American history, "which will live in infamy".  

The events of 9/11...and the weeks and months that followed...are as unfathomable today as they were then. As they say, "I just can't wrap my brain around it". 

The Twin Towers. 

The Pentagon. 

The charred wreckage in a field in Shanksville. 

The evil of it all...the senseless deaths. And there were so very many.

But we must also remember how we rallied, as Americans always do. From the bravery of the First Responders to average citizens who put aside fears for their personal safety to help those in need.

And Americans across the country, even those who lived far from the decimated towers, the Pentagon as it burned, the scarred patch of land in Pennsylvania...did whatever they could.

Blood was donated. Flags were flown. Prayers were sent. We hugged our children, our families, our friends just a little tighter. 

And eventually we picked up the pieces and went back to living our lives. But they were not the lives we had lived on September 10th, 2001, the day before the attacks. 

We were changed, forever. We simply couldn't "un-see" the events of that day.

As was said by someone a lot smarter than me many years ago, "Those who do not study the past are doomed to repeat it". 

Unfortunately, today, we stand once again at a perilous moment in history. There are enemies who would destroy us - and make their intentions clearly known. We as a people - and those in our government - must look back, study, and learn from the past. We must be vigilant. We must be aware. We must do everything in our power to ensure that there is never another date like "9/11" seared into our collective hearts and minds. 

God Bless America!

-Dick

The New "Apple Watch"...Time Will Tell

Apple unveiled it's highly anticipated "Apple Watch" yesterday which can monitor how much exercise you're getting. It also lets you text and send emails from your wrist. 

- So now you'll need two hands to text while driving. Good move Apple! 

- How long before we hear about the first case of iCarpelTunnelSyndrome? 

*****

The iPhone 6 was also introduced. It comes in two sizes, both with a much larger screen and an improved camera that takes better pics & video and has slo-motion and time-lapse features.

- Bottom line: The next naked pics we see of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton are gonna be waaaaaaay better than the last ones!  

*****

The Tigers are tied for 1st Place with Kansas City after taking down the Royals last night 4-2. With a win tonight, weather permitting, the Tigers will be alone atop the division with 17 games left to go!

Game time: 7:08pm.  GO TIGS! 

*****

Meteorologists say big storms are likely to bring heavy rains, damaging winds and possibly extensive power outages all across the Metro Detroit area this afternoon and evening. 

- The only people who don't know about the impending weather are the ones who still don't have electricity from last week's storms. 

*****

Tonight President Obama will deliverer a Prime Time speech detailing his plan to "degrade and destroy" ISIS.  

- "Degrade & Destroy" is just like "Shock & Awe"...except for the "Shock" part since we're telling them ahead of time. 

*****

Panera Bread announced that all of their stores will become gun-free zones - but that instead of having employees enforce the policy, they'll count on customer cooperation. 

- So much for their "Soup, Sandwich & 32 Caliber Lunch Combo". 

*****

Have a great day...and Happy, Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Julie (#6) - wife of Brad and mother of my 2-and-a-half year old grandson Brayden! See you back here Thursday! 

-Dick