Purtan Podcast #131: "3 Purtan's, "Packed" & Ready To Go!"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #131! Today I'm joined by not one but two of my daughters, my Podcasting partner Jackie (daughter #2) and special guest Jennifer (daughter #1). And when it comes to topics, we travel from one to another, all over the map! Here's a sample: 

- The rising sense of panic over the coming winter because of such a cool summer. (After last years devastating winter!)  

- I tell the story of an American woman on a trip to China who went back to her hotel room and found a man from the Chinese government going through the computer in her room. 

- Why the secret service doesn't like to cover Joe Biden. 

- The reason that Jennifer and Jackie had "unusual" births. 

- My experience with "Shingles" (not the roofing kind!)

- A Purtan family story involving a piece of medical equipment and Sheena Easton's song "Morning Train". 

- Some stories about my Dad and his love of singing and dancing. 

- The (in my opinion) great movie "Baby Boom" and the strange way that Comcast rates the movies they show on cable. 

- The one Movie that Jackie will NOT watch and what the "flying monkeys" are really chanting in that film. 

- Plus the time in everyone's life when they "peak"...and which one of the three of us doesn't feel we've hit that point yet. 

So set your GPS for "anywhere and everywhere" and join us for a verbal "road trip" in Podcast #131.  (37:17)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Columbus Sails Ocean Blue: Arrives Late

On this day, August 7, 1498, Christopher Columbus arrived in the Caribbean on his third voyage.  

- He was supposed to arrive on August 1st, but it turns out the Nina, Pinta & Santa Maria were owned by Carnival Cruises and were adrift for a week with broken sails. 

*****

Edward Snowden came out of hiding in Russia and was spotted at a performance at the famed Russian Bolshoi Ballet. 

- He couldn't help himself...it was a production of "Swan Leak". 

*****

Bill and Hillary have rented a vacation home in the Hamptons. The cost? $100,000 for three weeks. 

- They'll pay the bill by having Bill give a 10 second speech to the cleaning staff. 

- Insiders say the place has all the bells and whistles...from "His" & "Her" towels to "His" & "Her" bedrooms. 

*****

The NRA is taking heat for saying that blind people should be allowed to carry guns. 

- Even Stevie Wonder said he didn't see that one coming.  

*****

Kim Karsashian has gone on a Twitter rant complaining about how big her butt has gotten. 

- Apparently Kim has been living in a home full of fun house mirrors all her life. 

- Kanye must have told her the truth when she asked "Do these pants make my butt look big?" 

- Could this be another Kim Kardashian publicity stunt??? Ya think???

*****

A South Carolina woman called 911 after returning home to find that her 15-year-old son had been watching porn on the living room TV. Cops said the boy was in his bedroom when they arrived and they "had no idea what he was doing in there". 

- Really???

*****

A Russian Cyber gang has stolen 1.2 billion user names, passwords and email addresses - many of them from American companies.  

- Great. Now the Russian have the personal info of every American who's received an email from GM saying their car is being recalled. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast!  (#131)

-Dick 

Both Hazel & Oak Park Go To Pot!

The results of yesterday's Primary Election are in...and among the most interesting outcomes, Robert Ficano lost his re-election bid for Wayne County Executive, and both Hazel Park & Oak Park voted to legalize small amounts of marijuana for personal use.  

- So the expression "What do I have to do to get arrested with this joint?" will no longer be spoken there. 

*****

The production of Porn movies in LA has plummeted 90% because laws forcing the "actors" to wear condoms is pushing filming outside the city limits. 

- Porn stars are sort of like cops...they want to "Serve", they just don't want to "Protect". 

- As a humanitarian gesture, Charlie Sheen is building them a studio in San Francisco. 

*****

Bruce Jenner's new hairstyle is causing quite a stir on the internet. He was recently photographed with shoulder length locks with a reddish tint.  

- Bruce says the new style will allow him to go with a sleek up-do at Kim's next wedding. 

- Insiders say his ultimate dream is to become "Mrs. Chaz Bono". 

*****

NBC may face stiff fines from the FCC after airing Miley Cyrus's "Bangerz" concert. Viewers complained about the stripper-like costumes and Miley pressing up against a guy dressed like Abraham Lincoln.  

- Asked to comment, Bill Clinton said "The President did not have sex with that woman...Miss Cyrus". 

*****

A study from Current Biology found that horses talk with their ears. 

- Baloney. Everyone who's ever seen "Mr. Ed" knows that horses talk out of their Mouths just like the rest of us.

*****

An Oxford University study found that children who play computer games for an hour a day are more likely to be better behaved...

- ...That's during the hour their playing. Then, when their parents take the controller away, they turn into a combination of Mike Tyson and Rosie O'Donnell on steroids. 

*****

Convicted boyfriend-killer Jodi Arias will serve as her own lawyer in the Death Penalty phase of her trial. 

- She has no experience as an attorney but says she's "willing to take a stab at it". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Secret Service: "Agents Can Bare-ly Stand To Guard Biden!"

A new book about the Secret Service claims that no one wants to guard Joe Biden because he likes to go skinny dipping. 

- I guess this isn't what people meant when they said they wanted more "transparency" in Government. 

- On the bright side, thanks to "shrinkage" there's less of him to protect. 

*****

Duke University found that modern society flourished once our ancestor's testosterone levels were reduced. 

- Meanwhile Estrogen levels plummet every time a woman happens to see Joe Biden skinny dipping. 

*****

Hurray! Hurray! It's Primary Day!  Robo Calls From Campaign Staffs Will Stop Today!  

*****

The Mayor of Toledo lifted citywide restrictions on drinking water yesterday. 

- So if you're planning your August vacation in Toledo this year...it's a go! 

*****

According to a new survey, 3 in 5 Americans have had sex in a car. 

- Most in GM cars since there's no chance of the airbags accidentally deploying. 

- The survey also found that 2 in 5 Americans were Conceived in a car. 

- This proves the slogan: "Love...It's What Makes a Subaru a Subaru". 

*****

An Illinois man faces charges for trying to kill his roommate because she ate three Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast. 

- How much you wanna bet he goes with the "Twinkie Defense"?

*****

According to Forbes magazine, Sandra Bullock earned $51 million dollars last year, making her the highest paid actress in Hollywood. 

- Bullock knocked Angelina Jolie from the top spot down to #5...but Angelina is still #1 in the Highest Paid "Serial Kid Adopter" category. 

- The "Highest Actress" went to Lindsay Lohan. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

And Here's To 73 More!

Big news today... Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been married for 73 days!!!!! Smashing her old record of 72 days with ex-husband Kris Humphries. 

- I mention this for all you nay-sayers out there. 

- Kim's mom is already planning their one year anniversary party...which will be held at the 6-month mark just in case. 

*****

A Gym for dogs opened outside of Washington, D.C. 

- They even have a manicurists on staff to do Pet-i-cures. 

- The weight room even provides spotters for Spot. 

*****

President Obama turns 53 today.  

- Lois Lerner sent him a Happy Birthday email...but it inexplicably disappeared. 

- Michele is throwing him a party this afternoon complete with a clown! Yup...Joe Biden is on the guest list. 

*****

The UK's National Health Service announced plans to fund sperm banks for lesbians. 

- Who knew lesbians couldn't use regular sperm banks? 

- Next up: A "Savings and Loan-Me-Your-Womb-Bank" for gay guys who want to have a baby.  

*****

Yahoo News ran a report that Kelly Ripa and co-host Michael Strahan may be having an affair. 

- How come these kind of rumors never surfaced when she was working with Regis? 

*****

Detroit isn't the city it once was, but according to Franco-American...we're #1! Their research shows that more Spaghetti-O's are consumed in Detroit than any where else in the country, and more than 50% of those are eaten by adults. 

- The adult number was much higher until Kwame got thrown out of town. 

- With our luck, the Spaghetti-O's will be recalled due to faulty meatballs. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#130) with our special guest star, Jackie's 12-year-old son Charlie! Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #130: "John, Paul, George, Ringo & Charlie?"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #130! This week I welcome not only my regular partner in Podcast Crime, daughter Jackie to my dining room table, but her 12 year old son Charlie as well! On the docket: 

- What REALLY killed the dinosaurs according to 12 year old Charlie. (If you thought it was just an asteroid...think again)

- Charlie offers up his theory that there comes a point in everyone's life when they think they become "awesome". 

- On the 50th anniversary of their first American tour, Jackie gives me a quiz on "The Beatles!" 

- I share my personal experience with The Fab Four...and explain how I was involved with bringing them to Cincinnati for one of their first American concerts! Plus, how I ended up spending time with them backstage and emceeing their show. 

- Speaking of music... I tell you about the time Dick Clark asked me to be one of a handful of  judges on his 3 hour ABC Network TV special to pick the Top Song of the 60's 70's and 80's, and the Best Song from all three decades combined. I'll tell you which song I picked and if the other judges agreed.  

- Plus we talk about a recent news item about which country has had the most penis enlargements...and I'll give you my theory about who had the first enlargement and how it led to WWII. 

So grab something cool to sip on (or maybe something hot - the weather changes faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends) and join us for Podcast #130.  (30:03)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

P.S. We're thrilled to welcome "Intelligent Catering" as a sponsor! They specialize in complete, healthy, and delicious chicken dinners! To have your next luncheon, party, or any event catered, give them a call at 248-444-8147!

Barney: "I Love You...You Love Me, We Got Killed 'Inconveniently'!"

Paleontologists at Edinburgh University said dinosaurs would have survived the asteroid that hit the earth 66 million years ago if it happened "at a more convenient time". 

- Like the day they were all over at Betty White's place celebrating her 50th Birthday. 

- Al Gore is already writing a book about how climate change caused the asteroid. It's called "An Inconvenient Time". 

*****

Congress announced a deal to reform the Department of Veterans' Affairs. 

- Their first move will be to hire some actual doctors to work at the VA hospitals.   

*****

A group of Senators wants the Feds to install anti-missile technology on US. passenger planes.  

- If they charge $5 bucks for a Snickers Bar, imagine what "Anti-Missile Technology" is gonna cost you. 

*****

Dollar Tree is buying Family Dollar Stores for $8.5 billion. 

- They'll pay for it with 8.5 million plastic party straws and some paper drink umbrellas made in China . 

*****

USA Today is reporting that the deadly Ebola Virus is just a plane ride away from the United States. 

- Between missiles and viruses, 72 hours on a Greyhound bus with a broken toilet is sounding like a pretty appealing way to travel. 

***** 

A study by the American Journal of Infection Control found that a fist bump spreads just one-twentieth as much bacteria as a handshake does. 

- Well you can fist bump Madonna six ways to Sunday, but if you spend the night with her you're still gonna catch something. 

*****

Regis Philbin will reunite with Kathy Lee Gifford on August 1st when he fills in for Hoda Kotb who's on vacation from their NBC show. 

- Regis only agreed after Kathy Lee signed a contract guaranteeing that she wouldn't utter two specific words: "Cody" and "Cassidy". 

- I can't wait til Regis looks at Kathy Lee and says "My God Kelly...you look like you've aged 30 years."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Poll Shows "Putin's People" Popularity At 94%

A new Gallup poll shows that 94% of Russians approve of Vladimir Putin. 

- The other 6% were immediately executed, so the next poll should show him at a solid 100%. 

*****

Russia lost control of a satellite that was studying the effects of weightlessness on lizard mating. 

- Between invading countries and studying lizard sex, is it any wonder Putin doesn't have time to put on a shirt? 

*****

A Scottish bladder surgeon discovered an "adult" toy in a woman's lady parts that had been there for 10 years, which she claimed ended up there after a night of drunken sex with her ex. 

- She says her bladder feels better but is annoyed that now she has to keep the phone in her pocket on vibrate all the time. 

- She credits her doctor for finding the toy, and Energizer batteries for "the best ten years of my life". 

*****

Aretha Franklin says she was screamed at by a fast food restaurant employee and was so mad she walked out without her order. 

- Apparently Aretha won't stand for that kind of D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  

*****

Craig Ferguson said he wouldn't have accepted David Letterman's show if it had been offered to him. 

- Sure, that's easy to say when no one offers you the show. 

*****

Susan Sarandon has revealed that she had an affair with David Bowie in the 80's. 

- Not only was the romance great, but they were able to share each other's clothes and make-up. 

*****

Sarah Palin is starting her own internet TV Channel called "The Sarah Palin Show". It will be available for $9.95 a month or a hundred bucks a year. 

- She's already signed up a bunch of sponsors including "The Moose Jerky Emporium", "The Conservative Polar Bear Coalition" and "DSW...the Designer Snowshoe Warehouse".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #129: "Dick Making A Triumphant Return???"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #129! In my latest "Podisode" Jackie and I sit down at the Purtan dining room table and "chew" on a whole plateful of topics including: 

- Edward Snowden and Pavlov's Dog. (Does that ring a bell?) 

- Jimmy Kimmel's new baby daughter and her great old fashioned name. 

- How my name, "Dick", may be making a comeback. (Okay...I said may be)

- How the names of two of my Grandson's, Jack and Charlie may live forever and why. 

- A "Biz-Quiz"... The Heirs to which family are the wealthiest in the world?  

- The Clintons and the money they make for their speeches...including Chelsea!

- I do my world famous Bill Clinton impression. 

And...

- The new skinny pics app...that can have you dropping 50 pounds with the click of a button.

So pull up a chair, snack on something caloric (you can "delete" that spare tire later), and join us for Podcast #129!  (20:55)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Dogs "Pet Peeved"...Cat's Couldn't Care Less

A new study shows that dogs act jealous when their owners show interest in stuffed animals electronically wired to bark and wag their tail.

- A companion study found that cats don't give a rats patoot who you play with...They just act bitchy all the time. 

*****

Vladimir Putin may be full of bravado...but he's a little nervous about the food he eats. The Russian President has a full-time food tester to make sure he doesn't get poisoned. 

- So I guess the US government's plan to send him a case of "Borscht With Sour Cream and E Coli" was a bust. 

- I knew Vlad had a lot of his plate these days...I just didn't know someone else sampled it first. 

*****

A woman in Indiana is facing charges for leaving the scene, after running down a man on a motorcycle, claiming that God told her to let go and that "He'd take it from here". 

- Looks like somebody is taking the song "Jesus Take The Wheel" a little too literally. 

*****

According to a poll on Five-Thirty-Eight.com, Darth Vader is more popular with voters than Hillary Clinton or Mike Huckabee. 

- Maybe if Hillary threw a long black cape over her pantsuit...

- Actually Bill Clinton is a lot like Darth Vader: He spent years telling unsuspecting kids, "(Insert Name Here...I am your Father". 

- Darth actuality tied in popularity with Anthony Weiner...but I think that's just because they both like showing off their light saber. 

*****

A New Zealand man with 41 Homer Simpson tattoos set a world record for most tattoos of a cartoon character. 

- Ironically the only other person to do something that stupid is Homer Simpson. 

- The guy says the tattoos make him a "chick magnet" ...especially really tall chicks with blue hair. 

*****

Time Magazine says NYC is the unhappiest city in the country. 

- Leading to the new slogan: "New York, New York it's a helluva town! Where the Bronx is up, and the People are Down!" 

- Apparently living in a shoe-box sized, roach-infested apartment that costs $4000 a month isn't as fabulous as we've been led to believe. 

*****

Simon Cowell issued a statement saying he's straight after a record executive testified in court that Cowell was gay. 

- Simon added that the record execs testimony was "dreadful, amateurish, and really, really pitchy". 

- Paula Abdul jumped to his defense...but she was slurring so badly it was hard to make out what she was saying. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an all-new Podcast (#129)!

-Dick

NEWSFLASH: Prince Harry Not Only "Dope" In Royal Family!

Queen Elizabeth's Gold Cup winning horse has tested positive for the banned substance Morphine and may be stripped of his crown. 

- Buckingham Palace doctors say that the horse, Camila, has been taking morphine for pain following a "waving to the crowd" injury. 

- Ironically, Prince Charles has considered slipping his mother a dose of Morphine to finally have her stripped of HER crown. 

- There's a rumor the horse also tested positive for pot and alcohol...Sounds like somebody's been partying with Prince Harry. 

*****

A Denver man posted a spreadsheet on the website Reddit detailing each time he asked his wife for sex and the excuse she gave him, ranging from "I'm tired" to "I'm sweaty and gross". He tried everyday from June 3rd to July 16th and only got lucky once. 

- His wife said she was extremely frustrated with the public posting. But not as frustrated as her husband!

*****

Miley Cyrus posted a topless photo of herself on the internet to dispel rumors that she had died. 

- Kidnappers post pix of their captive with a current newspaper to prove their alive, Miley posts a shot of her boobs. 

- Let's hope Rosie O'Donnell never has to post the same kind of picture to prove she's still alive. 

*****

A new book about the Secret Service says Bill Clinton has a current mistress that visits whenever Hillary leaves the house. Her code name? "Energizer". 

- Which is much easier to remember than Monica's code name: "Devil With The Blue Dress On". 

- Boy, if someone hadn't written a book about it, I never would have suspected. 

- Bill makes John F. Kennedy look like one of those nerdy guys in the high school Chess Club. 

*****

Rapper Snoop Dog told Jimmy Kimmel that he got really high at the White House last year - but that it doesn't really count since he lit up in a White House Bathroom. 

- He took a few people in the bathroom with him, so technically it was a meeting of "The Joint Chiefs of Staff". 

- I believe the first musicians to smoke a joint in the White House were the Doobie Brothers. 

*****

The FAA has barred airlines from flying to Israel after a rocket strike hit just one mile from the Tel Aviv airport. 

- Great...now I have to change my weekend getaway plans to someplace safer, like Iraq or Syria. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

And don't forget...my daily blogs here at dickpurtan.com are now brought to you by "Intelligent Catering". 

Popping The Cork At The Purtan Summer Birthday Spectacular!

Yesterday, the whole Purtan family gathered for our Annual "Purtan Summer Birthday Bash". There were 21 of us in all...celebrating the NINE birthdays that fall over the Summer months!

I know, I know...if you count the names on the cake there's only EIGHT. Gail and I would like to offer our sincere apologies to daughter #6, Julie, who's name was accidentally left off the cake by the baker. (I told her the important thing to remember was that MY NAME made it!) 

It was a great day - complete with a boat ride with "Captain Dickie" at the helm. As you can see in the picture above...I traded my usual "Titanic Hat" for this very chic chapeau I was given by a listener when I retired. It's from Australia, and apparently the "bobbing-corks-on-a-string" are designed for one of two purposes: 1) To fend off mosquitos and/or kangaroos or 2) To make the wearer look like a complete Dork. (My kids and grandkids went for #2). 

Can't wait for next years extravaganza! 

*****

In other news... 

A new dating site tests users' DNA to make sure they're a safe biological match for each other. 

- These websites can't get people to put up a real profile picture of themselves...do they really think "HornyHarold2014" is going to send in his own DNA???

- The site is called xy&eChromosome.com

*****

Today, July 21, in "National Junk Food Day".  

- In honor of the day, Little Debbie just got engaged to that Ding-Dong she's been dating FOREVER! 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West laid out a half a million dollars for a body double for their daughter to shield her from the paparazzi. 

- The code name for "North West's" miniature body-double is "South East". 

*****

RIP...James Garner. The actor whose career spanned TV shows "Maverick" & "The Rockford Files" to scores of movies including "Murphy's Romance" and "The Notebook" died over the weekend at the age of 86. Many also remember Garner as the longtime TV spokesman for Polaroid Cameras. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check my latest Podcast #128! Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #128: "Waiter...There's A Podcast In My Soup!"

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Welcome to the weekend and a hot-off-the-grill new Podcast (#128)! Jackie and I will be your servers and I'd like to take a minute to tell you about this weeks "specials"...

- It's one of the hardest forms of comedy: Improv. Jackie uses her experience as an original member of The Second City Detroit to let us in on just how it works. 

- Dave Rexroth's accident and recovery and the fact that in just 24 hours, 15,000 of you sent your prayers and good wishes to him via dickpurtan.com! 

- The passing of actress Elaine Stritch. You may not think you know who she is, but chances are good you do. 

- How she went from singing "Bongo Bongo Bongo I Don't Want to Leave the Congo, Oh No! No! No!" to "Send it the Clowns". 

- Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl returned to duty...and exactly which side authorized it (Uncle Sam or his Tali-Buddies???)

- How the Fall like weather and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford made it hard to celebrate "National Respect Canada Day". 

- Marvel comics announcement that the he-man character "Thor" is becoming a woman and what real life celebrity might have inspired the change.  

and...

- How the city of Philadelphia wanted to tax lap dances under the "amusement tax" and how that "sat" with a Judge.

Of course each "entree" comes with plenty of "asides"! So take a few minutes to feast on Podcast #128...you don't even have to leave a tip! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

"Here's the Thor-y...Of A Lovely Lady???"

The current wave of changes in the Comic Book industry continues. Marvel Comics is changing the gender of their popular "Thor" character from a man to a woman. 

- If you thought he was Thor now, he's really gonna be Thor after the surgery! 

- So this week alone, "Archie" died taking a bullet for a gay friend and "Thor" is having a sex change. Are these comic books or HBO? 

*****

Sources say that Pope Francis is hinting that priests may soon be allowed to marry and have kids. 

- I can hear it now..."Just wait 'til your Father, the Father gets home!" 

- If the Priests do get married look for them to teach their kids a lot of "Hail Mary" passes.  

*****

Al Qaeda's monthly magazine "Inspire" is encouraging jihadists to attack the U.S. Tennis Open. 

- Remember the good old days when if you wanted to see an explosion at a tennis match, the judge just had to tell John McEnroe that his tennis ball was "out"?

- It's the best selling Al Qaeda issue since "Babes in Burkas" came out in February. 

*****

MTV is launching a new TV show called "Virgin Territory" that follows a group of young girls some of whom are trying to lose their virginity. 

- It's really a throwback to MTV's old format...when they played videos by Madonna. 

*****

Ron Howard announced that he's directing an authorized Beatles documentary. 

- He's going to put his own spin on it...for instance the section on the Fab Four's drug days will be called "Mayberry LSD". 

*****

Lindsay Lohans spokesperson says she was not drunk when she fell down at the Ischia Film Festival in Italy. 

- She was high on crack...but she was definitely NOT drunk. 

*****

From the Good News Department... Channel 7's Dave Rexroth says his recovery is going well! He'll meet with his doctors in Iowa today, then head back here to get ready for his prosthetic eye surgery in August! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Rapper Who Cut Off Own Penis Talks About "Package Deal"...

The Wu Tang rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a two-story balcony says it was not a suicide attempt. 

- Suicide attempt, no. Stupid? Absolutely. 

- The way I see it, either way he came up short.

*****

A new study on global employment shows that China's work force is shrinking. 

- This is because of better technology and also the fact that many workers have decided to go on to higher education...and attend 2nd grade instead. 

*****

A shocking new report says that 35 Disney World employees have tried to meet minors in the park for sex since 2006. 

- This explains why "Horny" and "Gropey" have moved in with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  

*****

The Army confirmed that Bowe Bergdahl is on desk duty at Fort Sam Houston. 

- He spends most of the day emailing Jihad jokes to his "Tali-Buddies" in Afghanistan. 

*****

Israel and Hamas resumed bombing each other less than 24 hours after Egypt brokered a peace treaty.  

- It wasn't so much a peace treaty as it was a little extra time time for everybody to clean and reload their weapons. 

*****

The FAA is probing a New York representative for using a drone to shoot his wedding video. 

- Usually the only drone at a wedding is a drunken groomsmen who gives an impromptu embarrassing speech about the groom's previous sex life. 

*****

Oscar Pistorius is in hot water again. While out on bail during his murder trial, he went to a nightclub and got into a fight with another patron. His lawyer says going to the nightclub was "probably a bad idea". 

- Ya think? 

- But there were so many women their just dying to meet him. 

- To his credit, he stuck to beer and didn't do any shots. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Archie "Rubbed Out" Of His Own Comic Strip!

"Archie" Andrews, the red-headed good-guy star of Archie Comics will be killed off by publishers in an edition released tomorrow. He'll die taking a bullet for his gay friend, Kevin Kellner, in an effort to increase gun control awareness. 

- Betty and Veronica are expected to attend the funeral, and Jughead will deliver the eulogy. 

*****

Thanks to a "summer version" of the Polar Vortex, today and tomorrow will feel more like September or the beginning of October, than July.  Highs will barely make 70...with temps dipping into the low 50's during the night. 

- On the down side, you might have to wear a coat. On the bright side, there are no leaves to rake. 

- It hasn't been this cold in July since Bill & Hillary shared a hotel room in 1992. 

*****

Military sources says that former Taliban hostage/guest Sgt. Bowie Bergdahl has been cleared by Army doctors to return to active duty. 

- I'm sure our Veteran's who have been waiting to have their blood pleasure taken at the VA hospital since 2004 are thrilled that he got such top-notch medical attention. 

*****

A group of doctors claim that the new iPad, which contains Nickel, may give people a severe, itchy rash. 

- The exact same symptoms you'll end up with if you spend a night with Madonna. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan has threatened to move out of the US permanently. 

- I take that more as "wishful thinking" than a "threat". 

- Question: Does Malaysian Air fly out of US airports???

*****

A survey by Live Science found that the average person has dreams about doing things that are impossible to do in real life. 

- Things like flying, becoming invisible, and figuring out the US immigration policy. 

*****

In Pennsylvania, a corpse fell out of a coroner's van and on to a busy road. 

- I guess the driver misunderstood when the coroner told him to have the body "run over" to the morgue. 

- Ironically, it happened on a dead end street. 

- The deceased was a woman with fake boobs, giving new meaning to "When the rubber meets the road". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Germany: "World Cup Win More Than Balances Out Loss of WWII"

They're still partying in the streets of Deutschland after Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup of Soccer. 

- They plan to continue the celebrations by invading Poland and beating their team, too.  

- The fans were so excited they got Goose-steps, um, I mean Goosebumps.  

*****

Mick Jagger was at the game in Brazil because he's a big soccer fan. 

- Mick's so old, fans sitting nearby swear they heard him yelling, "Hey you kids...Get offa my lawn!"

*****

The Drug Enforcement Administration launched an investigation into the NFL's abuse of pain killers and prescription drugs. 

- In most cities they'll concentrate on the players, but here in Detroit they'll be checking out the Lion's FANS.  

*****

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" won big at the weekend box office. 

- Producers of other movies released this weekend said "Those DAMN Apes!!!!!" 

*****

Fired "The View" co-host Jenny McCarthy says that when Rosie O'Donnell rejoins the show she'll "Bring a lot of heat". 

- Along with a lot of potato chips and donuts. 

- Rosie and Whoopi back together again...I haven't looked forward to a reunion this much since the last time Dennis Rodman visited Kim Jong Un. 

*****

Singapore's government has banned a book about two male penguins that raise a baby chick. 

- What do two gay guys know about chicks anyway? 

- Wow...Gay Penquins. Talk about snappy dressers! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #127! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #127: "Happy Birthday To Me...Yada Yada Yada!"

Jackie as "Elaine" and me trying to look like "Kramer" (although I look more like a Scary one of "PUTIN's People")  in a shot we took for a Children's Hospital Calendar a few years back. 

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #127! It's my Birthday so please pardon any typos...I have frosting on my fingers. This week Jackie and I "unwrap" a lot of subjects including: 

- Second Marriage for the AARP set...involving money and your kids (both the grown-up ones and your toddlers!)

- The recent passing of "Pinocchio". 

- The latest Iraqi craziness...and why the Parliament can't seem to agree on anything even though the enemy is knocking on the front door!

- Germany's announcement that they're ending their no-spy agreement with the US. So be on the lookout for Nazi's hiding in your bushes!  

- The "disturbing" secret a woman found out when she saw the house she was living in on the TV news. 

- What Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden and Justin Bieber should all have had in common. 

- How many eggs you can eat per week according to my doctor. 

- The Purtan Family Birthday Calendar.

And...

- Seinfeld's 25th Anniversary and my favorite lines and moments from the show.

So while I'm busy blowing out the candles, put on a party hat and celebrate with Podcast #127!  (31:28)

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

"And Then There Were...11?"

25 years ago this Saturday, "Seinfeld" debuted on NBC. In honor of the anniversary and my Birthday tomorrow on the 11th, here are, in my opinion, the "11" best expressions (in no particular order) that Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer added to the popular lingo. 

- Shut! Up! 

- Sponge Worthy

- Yada Yada Yada 

- Here Ma...Have Some Tic-Tacs. 

- Anti-Dentite

- Shrinkage

- Not That There's Anything Wrong With That! 

- No Soup For You!

- Hello Newman...

- Master of My Domain

- I'm Out! 

*****

Reportedly OJ Simpson is insisting that he's the biological father of one of the Kardashian girls. and is demanding a DNA test to prove it. 

- Personally, I'd be demanding a DNA test to prove that one of the Kardashian's WASN'T mine. 

*****

The author of a book on how to survive the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona is in critical condition after being gored in the leg by a bull in Pamplona. 

- Apparently, he's a really good writer, but not much of a reader. 

*****

Robert Redford has signed on to play Dan Rather in the new movie called "Truth". 

- The screenwriters say they still have a few wrinkles to work out...and they're all in Robert Redford's face. 

*****

A Judge in the small-town of Waterloo, NY has been indicted after stealing gasoline and lying about being attacked by two men wielding a toilet seat as he was leaving the courthouse last November. 

- Looks like someone just flushed their Judicial career down the toilet. 

- His wife says she has no idea why he made up the story...then again she doesn't understand why he leaves the toilet seat up at home either. 

*****

And now for some good news... Channel 7 is reporting that Dave Rexroth's surgery yesterday was a success! His damaged left eye was removed and will be replaced with a prosthetic eye in a second surgery next Thursday. Our thoughts and Prayers continue to be with Dave and the entire Rexroth family. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Whoopi! Everything's Coming Up Rosie???

It's apparently a done deal... Insiders say Rosie O'Donnell is headed back to "The View" and will co-host with Whoopi Goldberg.  

- They're kinda like "Thelma & Louise"...hopefully with the same ending. 

*****

A Detroit man is in custody after exposing himself at a Starbucks in Royal Oak and then fleeing from the cops. 

- Luckily, eyewitnesses were able to pick him out of a line up by identifying his Frappachino.  

- And they said it was "no Grande". 

*****

On this day in 1995, the Grateful Dead played their last concert at Chicago's Soldier Field. 

- This news comes as a shock to fans of the band who are still in the stands waiting for "intermission" to end. 

- You don't have to be Dead to be Grateful that the band hasn't performed in almost 30 years. 

*****

Last week Joan Rivers walked off the set of a TV interview and now David Letterman turned the tables and walked off the set while he was interviewing Joan on his show. 

- An embarrassed Joan managed to keep a straight face. Then again, Joan ALWAYS keeps a straight face. 

- Joan went on to give a solo performance about her sex life. 

*****

Scientists at MIT are developing a birth control computer chip that can be implanted under the skin. 

- In a gift to humanity, the first one will be implanted in the Octomom. 

- The chip will also let the NSA know when "the moment is right". 

*****

A study by the University of Sheffield found that super massive black holes can belch gas in incredible quantities. 

- So forget Global Warming, Earth stands a good chance of being Burped into extinction. 

- They say the tricky part is getting the black holes to take Bean-O. 

*****

Madonna finally show up for jury duty in New York and was dismissed. 

- Attorneys said she couldn't be impartial because she'd slept with the defendant. 

- And the Judge. 

- And the Bailiff. 

- And Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick