Continued Prayers For Dave Rexroth...

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your incredible outpouring of support for Dave Rexroth! And with his prosthetic eye surgery set for tomorrow, please join me and the entire Purtan family as we continue to pray for a successful outcome and speedy recovery for Dave...and comfort for his family! 

-Dick

*****

A study by the University of Missouri found that spending too much time on Twitter can ruin your marriage. 

- The one exception: Anthony Weiner. 

- Thankfully you can post all about your S.O.B. partner on Facebook. 

- This is nothing new...women have been dumping men for years because "he's all thumbs in bed". 

*****

The Running of the Bulls is underway in Pamplona, Spain, and one man has already been gored in the groin. 

- Doctors say the man's brain damage may be permanent. 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security believes terrorists could be inserting bombs into smartphones before boarding planes. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to someone "blowing up your phone". 

- Great... Wanna bring down an airliner? There's an app for that! 

- And you thought the person sitting next to you playing "Candy Crush Saga" was annoying.

*****

On this day in 951 A.D. Paris was founded. 

- Later that afternoon, a Parisian horse and wagon taxi driver overcharged a tourist from England trying to get to the Eiffel Tower. 

- They would have called it "Saint du Jerry Lewis" but he hadn't been born yet. 

*****

The Washington Post is reporting that the NSA spends more time tracking ordinary American web users than targeted foreigners. 

- They now have the largest collection of Cat pictures and crock pot recipes in the world. 

- They may also know about that time you posted "Screw the IRS!" Of course you won't know for sure until next April. 

*****

For the first time ever, Congress is on the verge of emptying out the fund used to pay for repairs to  our nations highways. 

- So when Obama said, "If you like your Pothole...you can keep your Pothole!" he was actually telling the truth! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

Forecast: A Full and Speedy Recovery

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Dave Rexroth, Chief Meteorologist at Channel 7 who was severely injured in a fireworks accident Friday night. He was vacationing with his family in Iowa, where he remains hospitalized. He is scheduled to undergo surgery on Wednesday to begin the process of providing him with a prosthetic eye. 

My daughter JoAnne has had the pleasure of working with Dave for many years at WXYZ and I can tell you from personal experience that he is a super and extremely funny guy. 

Please join my entire family and me in sending positive thoughts and Prayers to Dave and his family as they go through this very difficult time. You can leave a note on Dave's Facebook page or send a "Get Well" tweet to @rexroth7wxyz. 

He's expected to be back in front of the camera forecasting in September! 

-Dick

*****

In other news...

A noted physicist says that by the year 2045, humans will no longer be the top species on earth. 

- That is, if the Kardasian's are allowed to continue procreating. 

*****

Joan Rivers made waves recently by saying that the President was gay and that the First Lady was a transexual. 

- Rivers used to support the Obamas, but apparently is two-faced...neither of which can move. 

*****

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of her dead dog under her left breast. 

- Sadly, by the time she's 50, nobody will be able to tell that she ever had a dog. 

- Miley's a boob...and now so is her dead dog. 

- That dog is going to get (heavy) petted in death a million times more than it did in life. 

*****

Over the holiday weekend, a 116-year-old woman in Arkansas was named the oldest living American. 

- If you want to congratulate her, call now! Being named the "Oldest Living Anything" usually means you'll be dead inside a week. 

- In a related story, Larry King was named the "Oldest Living American Who Looks Like a Giant Grasshopper." 

*****

Pope Francis says businesses that stay open on Sundays are not good for society and have a negative impact on family. 

- Especially when those businesses have names like "Hooters" and "The Dollar Lap Dance Store". 

*****

An Australian TV station aired a damaging video of Oscar Pistorius reenacting the killing of his girlfriend. 

- It wasn't damaging, until Oscar started criticizing the director saying, "That's all wrong! I was over HERE when I killed her!" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back Tuesday!

-Dick 

Happy 4th of July Weekend...2014!

Hope you had a fabulous 4th…and that the 5th and 6th are great as well! After a long night of Fireworks (I haven’t oooohhhed and ahhhhed that much since the Kwame verdicts were read) I am now going to make my world famous Salmon-On-A-Stick appetizer, get ready to throw some fat-free Turkey dogs on the grill (in honor of Ben Franklin who wanted to make the Turkey our nation's National Bird instead of the Eagle!)  and "relish" the fruits of our Founding Fathers!! 

From the Purtan Family to yours…Have a Safe & Happy Holiday weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-JOHN "Dick" HANCOCK

Pippa Middleton in A-Rears???

Pippa Middleton says she feels "publicly bullied" by the way people have objectified her since the Royal Wedding and that no woman should be famous just because of her butt.  

- And here I thought she'd turn the other cheek. 

- So I guess the Kardashian sisters shouldn't be expecting an invitation to High Tea anytime soon. 

- Ironically, Pippa says she just wants to put the whole thing behind her. 

*****

The Supreme Court allowed California to ban psychological "conversion therapy" that tries to turn gay teens straight. 

- George Michael went thru that therapy years ago and WHAM! he stayed gay. 

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford finished a two-month stint in alcohol and drug rehab, saying he truly regrets some of the choices he's made in the past. 

- Like wasting two good months of party time by checking himself into rehab. 

- He plans to celebrate his new found sobriety by doing Jell-O shots...off his own stomach.  

*****

Sixteen different companies have put in bids to operate casinos on New York's Indian Reservations. 

- So far the top Contenders are "The Charmin Tee-Pee Resort & Casino", "Bet, Bath & Beyond" and "Proctor & Gambling". 

*****

TLC has given the green light to a new series that tells the story of people who buy houses in the nude. 

- They're just like regular home buyers except they don't give a rats patoot about closet space. 

- In the pilot episode, they sold a house to a naked 23 year old woman and 57 guys showed up on the Welcome Wagon. 

*****

Harrison Ford broke his ankle on the set of the new Star Wars film. 

- Doctors say his therapy will include a lot of Yoda, um...I mean "Yoga". 

- He's using a cane, so "Han" is no longer walking "Solo". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

My Oh My! It's The First Of July!

Three big events: Today is July 1st, "Canada Day". Also "Second Half Of The Year Day". And also, the day after Jackie's Birthday! (Oops... I forgot to mention that yesterday!) The picture of Jackie below was taken at her birthday party yesterday afternoon!?!

*****

Mensa is partnering with Match.com to create a dating site where geniuses can find a partner. 

- It's expected to be a lot less popular than it's sister site eStudpidity.com.

- The problem is, anyone smart enough to be in Mensa would be way too smart to try on-line dating. 

*****

A new study found that marijuana use has declined everywhere in the world except the U.S.

- The "Star Spangled Banner" will now officially be replaced by Jackie Wilson's "Higher and Higher".  

*****

Organizers of the Miss Florida beauty pageant crowned the wrong girl after a vote countering error.  

- Apparently they got the girls hanging chads mixed up. 

*****

Elton John marked Gay Pride Day by saying that Jesus would have supported gay marriage. 

- He based his theory on the fact that Jesus liked to drink wine and hang out with a bunch of guys. 

*****

Pope Francis insists that he's fine, despite canceling recent events because of health problems. 

- Truth be told, he just hasn't been getting much sleep due to Restless Pope Syndrome. 

*****

The Oscar Pistorius murder trial resumed Monday after a 30-day psychiatric evaluation. 

- The good news for him: He's not crazy. The bad news for me: This increases his chances of being convicted.    

- The doctors did say he's suffering from PTSD... Post Traumatic Shooting Disorder. 

*****

A study by Emory University found that Chimpanzees prefer music from India and Africa over Western music. 

- The one exception...Anything by The Monkees. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Tom's Got A Hank-ering To Work With Meg Again...

57 year old Tom Hanks is reuniting with 52 year old Meg Ryan for a new movie. 

- It'll be called "Sleepless in Seattle Due To Restless Leg Syndrome". 

- Or "You've Got Mail! Including Your AARP Membership Card!"

*****

According to divorce papers filed in Florida, George Zimmerman has no home and no money, but spends $100 each month going on vacation. 

- Who knew it could be so cheap to find a pristine white beach to relax on? 

*****

An Alaskan black bear crashed through a skylight and into a living room during a toddler's birthday party.  

- The child's parents never would have paid 200 bucks for a pony if they'd known the bear was gonna show up for free. 

- Zoologists claim the animal suffers from psychological problems, describing him as a "Bi-Polar Bear". 

*****

Yesterday was "Gay Pride Day" in the USA. 

- This year's official slogan was "It Takes A Village People". 

*****

Eminem's daughter Haillie graduated from High School in Clinton Township over the weekend. 

- Eminem said, "I'm so #%@  *$^!  $%!@^&^! proud of her I could %*&^#$  %$!@#!!!!!"

- Her teachers were amazed saying they thought her chances of graduation were Slim Shady to none. 

*****

On this day in 1936 the book "Gone With the Wind" was published, becoming an instant best seller. 

- I've never read it...I'm waiting for the movie to come out. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #126: "Sorry...Wrong Number (By One!)"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast...#126! (Don't be confused when Jackie and I call it #125...turns out we're about as good with numbers as the US Budget Office).This week yet another of my lovely daughters joins us...this time the oldest of the six...Jennifer. 

It's a "Purtan Podcast Potpourri" including: 

-Why Detroit is the safest weather city to live in when it comes to natural disasters.

- How over the years...at hundreds of banquets...Gail has always been introduced as "and his lovely wife". 

- The best Bagels (in my humble opinion) and where you can find them. 

- How coffee goes great with hamburgers and the one condiment that I HAVE TO ADD to really make it work. 

- How many Beans is too many Beans in a bowl of fast food Chili? (I actually counted).

- The many "Stars" that Jennifer ran into when she lived in L.A. and which two "Stars" it would take to make Jackie move there. 

- What happened to daughter #4 JoAnne, the day she "covered" (literally) the demolition of the old Hudson's building. 

- And for your musical entertainment...I'll give you my pick for the singer I think is the best and most successful pop star of the last 40 years - and play one of my favorites. 

So grab something cool to sip on and drink-in Podcast #126!  (31:35)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Casting Couch Now Open For "Clinton: The Musical"!

"Clinton: The Musical" is about to hit the stage in New York City. Producers say it follows "Two Bills and one Hillary as they prove that politics is Show Biz for ugly people."  The production also features characters including Ken Starr and Monica Lewinsky. 

- Alternate titles for the show include "Fiddled-Her On The Roof", "Damn Wankees" & "Hillary Get Your Gun". 

- The show is said to feature toe-tapping songs including "Oh What A Beautiful Intern!", "Impeachable You" and Monica Lewinsky singing, "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No!"

*****

The Department of Homeland Security is looking to buy 42 thousand pair of men's underwear for illegal detainees from Mexico. Sizes requested range from Small to 6XL. 

- The program is known as "SpongeJuan UnderPants". 

- The guys who need the 6XL's didn't "Run for the Border"...they were rolled across it. 

*****

Joe Biden called himself the poorest man in Congress, saying he doesn't have a single stock, bond or savings account. 

- And we wonder why the economy is so screwed up. 

- He'd put his money where his mouth is...but his foot is already taking up all the space. 

*****

Madonna's daughter Lordes will be attending the University of Michigan starting in the fall. U of M is also her mom's alma mater. 

- And you thought you had trouble convincing your Freshman daughter to stay "Like a Virgin". 

- So attention male students: Get your shots now! 

- You can read all about it in the upcoming issue of "Vogue".

*****

An Environmental Working Group report warns parents that eating too many nutrients can pose health issues for children.

- Translation: Every kid in America is in the clear.

*****

Bob Dylan's handwritten draft of "Like a Rolling Stone" is expected to bring in $2 million at auction this week.

- If his handwriting is better than his singing, we might finally figure out the lyrics!

*****

Lindsay Lohan streaked fully naked across a London department store after trying on clothes.

- She's pulled the same stunt at "Pottery Butt", and "Nudestum". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Scientists Attempt To Keep Sheep From Tooting Own Horns...

In the ongoing war on Global Warming, Federal researchers are attempting to breed sheep that give off less methane gas when they burp or break wind. 

- It's actually a highly classified project known as: "Silent But Deadly". 

- If only they'd had this technology before my former brother-in-law Joe married into the family. 

*****

John Kerry say the U.S. is exploring alternative ways to kill off insurgents in Iraq. 

- They'd send in a bunch of Sheep, but poison gas isn't allowed under the Geneva Convention. 

- That's the great thing about death...so many options! 

*****

Twenty girls, age 7 and younger were forced into marriage during a ceremony in India. 

- The brides are already complaining about spending all day cooking for their husbands in their plastic "Little Tikes" kitchens. 

- I hope their parents aren't expecting grandkids anytime soon. 

*****

A pre-teen boy in France has finally admitted that he made-up a story about being kidnapped to get out of going to the dentist. 

- It took hours, but the cops finally drilled the truth out of him. 

- I'm guessing this kid was born without Wisdom teeth. 

*****

At 3:30pm this afternoon, Governor Rick Snyder is expected to sign the "Breastfeeding Anti-Descrimination Act" making it legal for woman to nurse their babies in public. 

- For full coverage of this story, just turn to any news channel on the Boob tube. 

- The police are expecting a huge crowd in Lansing...not protestors, just a lot of creepy guys with cameras. 

*****

The Government continues to try to force the owner of the NFL's Washington Redskins to change the team name, saying it's offensive. 

- How about The Washington Redskin Potatoes? Nothin' offensive about that!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Fireworks and Faygo!

Despite a 70% change of rain tonight, organizers say they're planning to go ahead with tonight's 56th Annual Detroit Ford Fireworks on the Detroit River. Over one million people are expected to attend. 

- If the event is cancelled, Channel 4 will still provide "Fireworks" coverage...they'll show a tape of one of Monica Conyers City Council meetings. 

*****

A new study finds that grumpy and negative people are more efficient at their jobs because they tend to focus on fewer things than positive people. 

- So "Grumpy" may not have "whistled on his way to work" like "Happy"...but he did a better job in the mine.  

- This is great ammo for anyone who gets called into the bosses office to day for having "a bad attitude". 

*****

According to the National Enquirer, now that the big Kardashian wedding is over, Kim's step dad Bruce Jenner is going full speed ahead with his gender transformation. He was recently spotted with pouty lips, long hair in a pony tail, lady-length manicured nails, and his breasts appear to be growing. They say he's even picked out a new name for himself: Brigitte. 

- Just what we need...another woman in the Kardashian family. 

- Bruce's final act of gender transformation to be a true Kardashian will be the day he gets butt implants. 

*****

A University in Florida will begin letting students "check out" drones from the Library next fall. The plan is to have students use the drones to take aerial photographs and video. 

- And deliver pizza to dorms. 

- And beer kegs to frat parties. 

*****

Hugh Rosenthal, the grandson of one of the founders of legendary "Faygo" Soda Pop is suing the company for age discrimination. He claims he was fired at the age of 68 for no reason except than he was 68. 

- His termination letter read: "Remember when you were a kid? Well part of you still is! But the rest of you is too old to work here anymore!"

*****

A new book claims that Hillary Clinton's health problems have been greatly downplayed and that she suffers from serious heart issues. 

- Republicans leaders were shocked...that she had a heart at all. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #125 featuring Jim "Casey Kasem" Ochs! Click here to listen. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #125: "Casey (Well, Jim Ochs as Casey) At The Bat"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #125! This week Jackie and I welcome special guest Jim Ochs to the Purtan Dining Room table. Jim not only performed on my show for years, but was acknowledged by the late great Casey Kasem as THE BEST Casey impersonator in the country! The three of us (four...if you count Jim as Casey) "Count Down" a whole host of topics including: 

- The "Jersey Boys" movie.

- Hollywood producers putting rap music into remakes of old movies. 

- Subtle vs. Slamdunk humor on the radio.

- Dr. Oz:  Is the "man behind the curtain" a good guy or a bad guy for stretching the truth about diet drugs (as he loves to stretch human intestines on his show!)

- Some memorable audio clips from my show with Jim "filling in" for me, and as Casey Kasem. 

- Plus Jackie presents a special "Long Distance Dedication" as "Mrs. Casey Kasem". 

So have a great weekend, keep your feet on the ground & keep reachin' for the stars in Podcast #125!  (37:36) And I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

People Forced To Actually Talk To Each Other!

Yesterday, June 18th, 2014 Facebook went down for 30 minutes across the globe leaving users unable to make posts. 

- And you thought December 7, 1941 was a date which would live in infamy. 

- For 30 long minutes, the friends of Cindy Fremont had no idea whether or not she'd finally made it to the front of the line at the grocery store. 

*****

Dr. Oz was ripped apart at a Congressional hearing for allegedly lying about weight-loss products on his show. 

- But the Congressmen did admit that the episode where he unraveled and stretched a human intestine across the stage was pretty cool. 

- Dr. Oz stayed calm...but I got the idea he was angry when he suggested that every member of the panel get a colonoscopy. 

*****

A study by Berkeley Research Group found that listing your religious faith on your resume decreases your risk of getting hired. 

- Especially if you're applying at the Vatican and put yourself down as "Agnostic". 

*****

New York State adopted a new law allowing humans to be buried in pet cemeteries alongside their furry friends. 

- And if you've got a goldfish you can now get the traditional "Flush-Down-The-Toilet" burial for yourself.  

- Somewhere in New York there's an 85 year old spinster with 70 cats who just bought an entire cemetery.

- Dog owners better hope Rover goes first or he's gonna keep digging them up. 

*****

A British woman's breast implants exploded inside her body, quadrupling the size of her breasts. 

- This is what happens when you go to the "Al Qaeda Cosmetic Surgery Center". 

- Terrorists are already using the idea to create "Suicide Boobers". 

- The woman was unavailable for comment...since the explosion, her husband's had her locked in their bedroom.

- And just like that we know how Dolly Parton became Dolly Parton. 

*****

Donald Trump told an interviewer that he thinks J. Lo's and Kim Kardashian's butts are "too big". 

- Reaction to his comment was so positive, he's going to use the "Butt's Too Big" platform as the centerpiece of his campaign if he decides to run for President.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick 

Thunder From Down Under???

It was tough to get any sleep last night with the incredible thunderstorms that lasted through this morning. 
- There hasn't been that much thunder since Kwame Kilpatrick and the boys got together at the prison mess hall for the monthly "All You Can Eat Franks & Beans Buffet". 
*****
Facebook lifted it's ban on breast feeding photos. 
- Instead they'll ban pictures of bottle feeding since those never get any "Likes". 
*****
Don Ennis, an ABC News producer who switched genders 3 times, has been fired. 
- Friends say he's taking the firing like a man...On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week he's taking it like a woman. 
- Kind of makes you long for the good old days when we had people like Chastity/Chaz Bono who only changed gender once. 
*****
7-Eleven is the latest U.S. franchise to set up shop in the United Arab Emirates. 
- They're just like our 7-Eleven's but the sign on the door reads: "No Burka, No Sandals, No Service." 
- They also have the traditional "Goat-On-A-Bun" hot dogs on the roller.  
- They also offer the "Suicide Bomber Burrito". Microwave it for more than 72 seconds and it explodes. 
*****
Secretary of State John Kerry confirmed that the US may join forces with Iran to end the violence in the Middle East. 
- I think we have the front-runner for next year's "Nobel Peace of Crap Prize"!
*****
Lady Gaga made a surprise visit to an arts school in Astoria, Queens dressed as Cher. 
- How could they tell? 
- Gay guys at the school haven't been this excited since Adam Lambert won American Idol. 
*****
Kenya's president is urging tourists to vacation in Kenya. 
- They're slogan is: "Everybody's Flying To Kenya...20 Million Mosquitos Can't Be Wrong!"
*****
Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 
-Dick

O.J. Simpson: Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda!

On this day in 1994, O.J. Simpson led police on a slow speed chase while threatening to kill himself so he wouldn't have to go to jail for killing his wife. 

- If only OnStar had existed back then...a live operator could have given him directions on how to go straight to Hell. 

- He may have been a cold-blooded murdered, but at least he didn't go over the speed limit. 

- The car chase held the record for the most Americans glued to their TV's...until last season's finale of "The Bachelor". 

*****

Many people are questioning the President's decision to take a four-day golfing vacation in  California at the same time American Soldiers and Marines are arriving in Iraq to protect the embassy from the militant army. 

- C'mon! The guy hasn't had a vacation in almost three weeks! 

*****

Pope Francis announced that he will no longer use the Pope Mobile, calling it "a lousy sardine can that keeps people away from you."

- Besides, without a sunroof his hat kept getting smushed. 

- Apparently the Pontiff wants a car just like the people he's trying to reach: Covert-ible. 

*****

A 66 year old old female hoarder died when her Connecticut home collapsed under the weight of all the clutter. 

- I'll bet she was pretty upset when she got to the other side and realized it's true: You can't take it with you. 

- Her children have taken the next ten years off work to "go through Mom's things". 

*****

Miley Cyrus has done it again...this time posting a "selfie" she took wearing nothing but a tiny pair of panties with her tongue hanging out.  

- Miley says it was an accident...she was planning on saving the photo to use as her Christmas Card. Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! 

*****

Starbucks is offering employees the opportunity to complete an online degree at Arizona State University at no cost to them. 

- How are Starbucks workers possibly going to stay awake cramming for finals? 

- You'll know the Starbucks students at graduation...they'll be the ones wearing the "Cappuccino & Gown". 

*****

On a personal note... I was thrilled at the response we got yesterday to the Video Tribute to Casey Kasem on my radio show and 3 Detroit Radio Reunions that I Emceed. If you haven't had a chance to watch it...you really should! To make it easy, I'm posting it on today's page as well for your listening and viewing pleasure. Have a great day! and I'll see you back here Wednesday.  -Dick

Casey Kasem...Reachin' For The Stars

Sunday, we lost the great Casey Kasem at the age of 82. For 34 years he did the "American Top 40 Countdown"...a show that he created himself and broadcast worldwide from Hollywood. He had a unique voice, style and sincerity that came across to everyone who tuned in. And millions did. 

Casey - who was from Detroit - attended 3 of the 4 Detroit Radio Reunions that I emceed, and I am happy to have called him my friend. He had a great sense of humor...in fact every time I saw him, I told him that his hair was darker and his teeth whiter. 

Through the years, Casey became a regular "character" on my radio show, with our take on his "Long Distance Dedications" being voiced by Jim Ochs and occasionally, Kevin O'Neil. 

In 1988 and again in 2005 we had "Casey-Off's" between Jim & Kevin...and one time between Jim, Kevin and the real Casey himself! 

Casey was a class act...he and his unforgettable voice will be missed. 

Below is a piece compiled by "Radio's Best Friend" Art Vuolo, and featured yesterday at Freep.com. It features a visit by Casey to my show back when I was on 95.5. That's Jim Ochs on the left and, of course, Casey on the right. RIP.

Happy Father's Day...2014

Jackie here… In honor of Father’s Day, I thought it would be fun to post a picture of my Dad sitting on His Dad’s (my Grandpa’s) lap. That little boy grew up to do a lot of amazing things…foremost among them, being the greatest Father I, and my sisters Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica, & Julie could ever ask for! We love you so much and are so proud to call you our Dad!!! Love, Your 6 Girls. P.S. Happy Father’s Day to all the other great Dad’s out there too!

No Wonder Flipper Was So Happy!

A NASA researcher claims she had sex with a Dolphin back in 1963 to teach him how to communicate. 

- Just to clarify, we're talking about an Ocean mammal, not a professional football player. 

- Apparently it didn't work out well, since like a lotta guys, he hasn't called or texted her since the big date.

*****

A group of seniors at a Chicago high school made a "slight" error on banners and invitations featuring their Prom slogan. It read: "This Is Are Story". 

- May I be the first to congratulate the high school's English Department on a job well done! 

- Looks like some kids "our" going to summer school. 

*****

1.000 clowns marched in protest of Mexico City's ban on circus animals. 

- There haven't been this many Bozos in one place since the Kardashian family wedding reception. 

*****

Paula Deen is launching her own internet cooking show.

- On the first episode, she and special guest Donald Sterling cook up a delicious White Bean Chili. 

*****

A Seattle doctor has been suspended for "sexting" on his phone at least 640 times while performing surgeries. 

- The anesthesiologists didn't notice because they were watching porn on their iPads at the time. 

- One Scrub Nurse said she was shocked...but still, he was the only man she'd ever worked with who could multi-task. 

*****

The Pope cancelled several days of audiences due an undisclosed illness. 

- The Papal doctor advised him to take two aspirin and have a glass of red wine everyday. 

*****

Lawyers say the latest trend in Pre-nups is a "Social Media Clause" that can cause a spouse as much as $50,000 every time they post an embarrassing pic or TMI about their spouse on places like Facebook. 

- Anthony Weiner just charged himself a million bucks on behalf of his wife Mrs. Weiner. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast...#125! 

-Dick

Huge Run On New CDC App...

The Centers for Disease Control has launched a new App to help travelers avoid diarrhea. 

- It's known as the iPooped App. 

- They just released it and it's already the #2 most downloaded app in America. 

- So now you can download something that will help you avoid downloading. 

*****

Federal prosecutors are discussing a plea deal that would bring Edward Snowden back to the US from Russia. 

- Why doesn't Snowden just fly to Mexico and walk into America like everybody else? 

*****

United Airlines announced plans to base frequent flyer points on dollars spent, instead of miles flown. 

- Air Malaysia only awards points if your plane actually lands.  

*****

Hillary Clinton says the 5 Taliban Terrorists released from Gitmo in exchange for turncoat Bowe Bergdahl "Are not a threat to America". 

-  She also added that her husband Bill "Is no longer interested in other women!!!"

*****

California is still considering a bill that would require college students to give written consent before having sex. 

- Just what college students need...more homework!

- If a student doesn't want to have sex, they'll have to write an argumentative essay explaining their position. 

*****

Weight Watchers spokeswoman Jessica Simpson was so intoxicated she had to be helped out of a friends bachelorette party. 

- On the down side, the drinks came out to 107 Weight Watchers Points. On the bright side, she didn't drive so she avoiding getting 6 Points on her license. 

*****

Today is "National Root Canal Appreciation Day". 

- Not to be confused with tomorrow which is "National Gingivitis Appreciation Day".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Empty Pockets?

In a TV interview last night, Hillary Clinton told Diane Sawyer that she and Bill were dead broke when they left the White House and even struggled to get mortgages. 

- It's tough when you need a nice house for the family and a totally tricked out bachelor pad for Bill. 

Hillary did admit that since leaving the Oval Office Bill has made over $200 million dollars giving speeches and that she also gives speeches for $5 Mil a pop.

- Something to keep in mind next time you get a letter from the Clintons asking for a 2016 campaign contribution.

- Ironically, Bill makes an amazing living just talking, while all his ex-girlfriends make an amazing living by keeping their mouthes shut.

***** 

A federal audit of VA Medical Centers showed that 57,000 veterans are still waiting for their first visit. 

- They were willing to die for their country...they just didn't realize it would be while waiting to see a damn doctor. 

- Meanwhile Bowe Bengdahl has had every medical test in the book on a U.S. army base in Germany. 

*****

A new study by Mass Mutual found that 51% of newlyweds think having a perfect wedding is more important than planning for the future. 

- Which makes perfect sense for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West since they know they have no future together. 

*****

Florida police caught a 70 year old couple having sex in the Town Square of a retirement community. 

- Hey, When the moment was right...he was ready! 

- The "event" happened about 4:30pm, giving a whole new meaning to "The Early Bird Special"

- Residents who witnessed the act said it was a nice break from watching alligators cruising the golf course. 

*****

Pope Francis met with the Israeli and Palestinian presidents in hopes of restoring peace talks. 

- It's sad when even the Pope doesn't have a prayer. 

- Up next: The Pontiff will try to negotiate peace between Alec Baldwin and anyone with a camera. 

*****

Rapper Lil' Kim gave birth to a daughter, whom she named "Royal Reign". The baby's daddy is a rapper named "Mr. Papers". 

- Looks like Blue Ivy & North West have a new playmate! 

- Lil' Kim is good friends with the Jackson Family so maybe someday "Royal Reign" can marry Jermaine's son, "Jermajesty". 

*****

The World's Oldest man has died at the age of 111 just two months after earning the title. Meanwhile there are 66 women in the world over the age of 111. 

- I sure hope they like younger men. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

OMG! The CIA On FB!

The CIA launched an official Facebook account over the weekend. 

- So far they have no "Friends" ...that we know of. 

- Their first post was of a cat named "Checkers". He also goes by the aliases: "Señor Fluffball", "Adolf Catler", & "Kitty Jong Un". 

*****

Freed POW Bowe Bergdahl, who is being "debriefed" in Germany, refuses to talk on the phone to his parents.

- His father is distraught saying, "For the love of Allah, somebody get my son on the phone!"

- It wouldn't even cost anything since the Bengdahl's have Bowe on their "Friends, Family and Terrorists" calling plan. 

*****

This week marks the 20th Anniversary of O.J. Simpson's infamous White Bronco police chase. 

- Whatever happened with that anyway? 

- O.J. will commemorate the event by letting the guards chase him around the prison yard...really slowly. 

*****

California Chrome lost his bid for the Triple Crown when he came in 4th in Saturday's Belmont Stakes. His owner blamed the loss on horse racing rules. 

- As opposed to the MSNBC sports broadcast team who blamed it on George W. Bush. 

*****

Mick Jagger spent the weekend with a mystery woman in a Swiss Hotel, but his spokesman says he is still getting over the recent suicide of his long-time girlfriend. 

- This proves that everybody "grieves" in their own way. 

*****

A report by a British Cardiologist claims that being morbidly obese will help people avoid a lot of diseases. 

- That's because you die of a heart attack so young, you don't have time to get anything else. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #124 with Jackie, JoAnne, Gail & me! Click here to listen!

-Dick