"Around the World in 80 Seconds" (if you read really fast!)

Today, December 3rd, is my wife Gail’s birthday!  I started what I like to call the “Birthday Festival” by taking her to the Fox Theater Thursday night to see her favorite musical group (and mine too), “Celtic Thunder”.  The group consists of five guys from Ireland and one from Scotland, backed up by a full orchestra.  For those of you not familiar with the group, they have three albums out which feature a compilation of American pop and Irish and Scottish standards.  But with the holidays upon us, the first act of last night’s show was all Christmas music, and the second half featured new stuff and some highlights from their previous albums.   

 

I can’t tell you how good these guys are and what a great show they put on!  First I should note that the singers range in age from 18 to 43 -  and all have incredibly distinctive voices.  When the group first formed 4 years ago, the now 18-year-old Damian McGinty was, of course, just 14.  He amassed an amazing following among young girls - including my granddaughter Julia, age 13, who has seen the group 3 times along with a bunch of her girlfriends. (One time in Chicago!)  Damian’s kind of like Justin Beiber in a kilt but with a voice you wouldn’t believe!  And amazingly enough, when he first started he had to be taught each English song word by word as he only spoke Gaelic!  

Although last night’s show was their only appearance in Detroit this season, they have CD’s and DVD’s available and I highly recommend them if you are looking for a special gift for someone on your list.  The first one called, “The Show” is my favorite - and go for the DVD! To actually watch the performers really adds to the experience.  

Believe it or not, after we got home last night, Gail and I actually watched our DVD of “The Show”.  So all told… we experienced about four hours of Celtic Thunder last night.  (Do you have to go to the hospital after watching more than four hours of Celtic Thunder?) 

Just one more thing about that… Rumor has it that the guy’s counterparts, “Celtic Women”, who dance as well as sing, are coming to the Fox on April 7th. I haven’t heard or seen them, but the reviews I’ve read are outstanding!

By the way, as we were walking out the door to go last night, the phone rang.  It was Carol Lausman, the wife of Captain David Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the USS George Washington nuclear aircraft carrier based in Japan.  That’s the aircraft carrier you’ve been seeing on TV all week during the war games off the coast of South Korea.  Dave and Carol are origianlly from Detroit and when I was on the air would listen to the show on the Internet.  They called-in a few times and even visited us in the studio when Dave was on leave.  

I remember how Jackie and Rebekah literally swooned in “An Officer and A Gentlemen” kind of way when Dave walked in the studio in his dress blues! 

Carol said the war games went well and that Dave will most likely be bringing the GW and it’s crew of 6000 back to port around the middle of this month. 

By the way… if you see me anywhere around town, I’ll most likely be proudly wearing the USS George Washington baseball cap that Dave and Carol gave me last time they were in town! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

And David Hasselhoff Still Isn’t One Of Them…

A Yale University study suggests that there might be three times a many stars as previously thought.  The new estimate is 300 sextillion stars, which is 300 followed by 21 zeroes. 

- So if you thought the Big Dipper was impressive, wait ‘til you get a load of the “Large Ladel”!

- “Sextillion” … That’s also the name used to describe the number of hookers Charlie Sheen has beeen with.

- Upon hearing the news, singer Don McLean announced plans for a new single, “REALLY REALLY Starry Starry Night”.

- If Vincent Van Gogh had had to paint that many stars he would have cut his other ear off!

I’m Anti-Bacterial!

NASA is set to make a major announcement today about the possibility of alien life.  They haven’t found any little green men, but they’ve reportedly found bacteria at the bottom of California’s Mono Lake, which is heavy in arsenic.  The idea is that if bacteria can live in an environment so poisonous it’s considered un-survivable, then that ups the chances of finding life on other planets. 

- What a great idea!  Bring indestructible bacteria to the surface that can kill us, just to prove there might be life somewhere else!

- Of course we already have a toxic substance available that makes people look like aliens:  Botox

Simply The Best?   

First Lady Michelle Obama has selttled on a theme for the White House holiday decorations:  “Simple Gifts”.  To emphasize the simple things that bring joy at Christmas, dozens of volunteers came from around the U.S. to make decorations from basic, even reusable materials including wood, newspaper and magazine pages.

- One woman made a string of paper garland from a copy of the health care bill that stretches all the way to China!

- Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like an ornament made out of recycled toilet paper.

Way To Go!

Nancy Pelosi might actually approve of one thing that incoming GOP Speaker John Boehner plans to change about Congress.  He’s remodeling a swanky office space adjacent to the House floor so that women will finally have a ladies restroom close by.

- Giving credit where credit is due, Boehner admitted that putting peep-holes in the walls was Bill Clinton’s idea.

- Up until now, it’s been like the old days at Pine Knob where the women just push there way into the men’s room.

- Maybe the lack of a ladies room is where they got the term “filibuster”.  

- The guy who’s office they’re taking over says he’s not going to take this sitting down.  Then again, he doesn’t have too!

It’s A Little Big For A Stocking Stuffer 

On December 16^th, Nate D. Sanders auction house in Santa Monica will offer the ultimate collectible for JFK conspiracy buffs:  Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin.  It was exhumed in 1981, on his widow’s theory that a lookalike was buried in it.  Tests showed it was the real Oswald and he was reburied in a new coffin.  Bidding on the old, water-damaged one starts at $1000.

- It sounds gross but makes for a nice lawn decoration if you display it on a nice grassy knoll.

- Right now, Oliver Stone is wetting his pants.

C’mon, Deck The Halls Already! 

A new Rasmussen survey finds that 60% of American households say they plan to decorate their homes for the holiday.  However, Christmas is just 23 days away and only 22% have finished putting them up.  Not surprisingly, fewer men than woman have even gotten started yet.

- Elton John and Adam Lambert said that their houses are completely decorated and they’ve already donned their gay apparel.

A Sign Of The Times

In Spokane, Washington, freak weather conditions involving heavy snow piles are making an electronic “Don’t Walk” sign that shows an upraised hand, appear to show only the middle finger raised.  So basically it looks like it’s giving pedestrians the finger.  Officials say they’ll fix the problem after they clear up more pressing issues like plowing the streets.

- Following everyone’s mother’s advice to NOT touch your tongue to anything cold in the wintertime because it will stick, the city is now putting up signs that say, “Lick it or Ticket”.  

No Doggs Allowed

Snoop Dogg dedicated his new single “Wet” to Prince William’s bachelor party in hopes of being asked to perform at the event, but Palace officials say any party arrangements will be private. 

- Besides, William’s brother, Prince Harry has already booked his favorite band, “Adolf and the Hit-lers”.

- They were thinking of having Prince Charles wife Camilla sing at the party, but apparently her voice is a little horse. 

Blowing Out The Candles…

And Happy Birthday to Britney Spears who turns 29 today! 

- She’ll mark the occasion by wearing panties!

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Not Everybody Loves A Man In Uniform!

Tuesday, the Pentagon released its long-awaited survey on the effect of repealing the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on gays serving openly in the military.  Two-thirds of current service members said they would have no problem with lifting the ban on openly gay or lesbian soldiers or sailors.  But one third, many of them in combat roles did object, including 58% of combat marines.  But 69% of troops believed they had already served alongside a gay person, and only 8% believed their units functioned poorly as a result. 

- So their units functioned poorly?  They have medication for that now!

- The one’s who complained said they wouldn’t want to share a fox hole with a gay guy, but they wouldn’t mind letting him decorate it.

- But the marines have so much in common with the gay guys!  They’re all just looking for a few good men! 

The Yawn Of Civilization

Cambridge University researchers have declared April 11, 1954 as the most boring day of the 20^th century.  Why?  That was the only day of that century where no major events took place.  The biggest celeb who died that day was 69-year-old soccer player Jack Shufflebotham and the only significant person born was future Turkish microwave expert, Adbulla Atalar. 

- So if you were born on April 11, 1954 and your parents always seemed bored by you – now you know why!

- I thought the most boring day of the 20^th Century was the day my fellow Kenmore High School Graduate Wolf Blitzer was born.

Paper, Plastic or Excess Skin?  

Police in Edmond, Oklahoma, arrested two women who were allegedly trying to shoplift at TJ Maxx by hiding merchandise in the folds of their “Excess skin,” under their chests and armpits.  Clerks caught them with $2600 worth of stuff concealed in their folds of fat, including a wallet, a pair of gloves, three pairs of jeans and four pairs of boots. 

- It’s always hard to find a good place to hide Christmas gifts… you gotta give these two ladies points for originality!

- The store has marked the jeans as, “Previously worn… sort of”.

- Four pair of boots may sound hard to hide under your “excess skin”, but in all fairness, they were size 6 with a low heal. 

- Maybe the police should check these two for Jimmy Hoffa! 

Gloria Vander-Built Ford Tough!

Ford announced yesterday that they’re going to use re-cycled jeans in the new Ford Focus Compact for sound-deadening under the floor.

- For the deluxe edition, they’ll use designer jeans. 

- And if you want a really quiet ride, you can upgrade to the Kim Kardasian line! 

Battery Included! 

Police in Florida arrested 35 year old Yanet Barreto Carter after she allegedly got into an argument with her husband about a young woman and threw a bowl of beans and a bottle of cologne at him.  She was charged with simple battery.

- She said she couldn’t help throwing the cologne at him… it was an “Obsession”.

It’s Not A Book… But You Won’t Be Able To Put It Down!

Playboy magazine announced that it will market a $300 computer hard drive containing scanned copies of every complete issue of the magazine from 1953 to 2010.  They issued a statement reading, “Why would you let more than 650 of your favorite Playmates celebrate the holidays in a damp garage, stored under your bed, or crowded in your basement, when you can bring them all together beneath the mistletoe this year?”

- It’s the gift that Dad and all the boys in the family can enjoy! 

- I can just imagine how Norman Rockwell would have painted this one! 

- It comes with a great return policy… of course no one will use it. 

- For the older dad’s on your list… there are plans to bring out a hard drive featuring the 1953 to 2010 issues of National Geographic. 

In A Related Story…

On this day in 1953, the first issue of Playboy went on sale, featuring a centerfold of a nude Marilyn Monroe bought from a calendar company.  A mint condition copy is now worth over $10,000.

- So apparently, now you can have Marilyn Monroe on your hard drive. 

Have a great first day of December!  And to our pal Morey and all of our Jewish friends, Happy Hanukah! See you tomorrow…

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

She’s Got A Lot More Than Just A Travel Visa…

The furor over the Wikileaks dump of diplomatic cables isn’t dying down. Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was embarrassed by the revelation that she ordered embassy staffers to gather info on foreign U.N. oficials, including credit card numbers, fingerprints and DNA samples. 

- She got the DNA idea from Monica Lewisnky. 

- And she has Bill dusted for fingerprints every day!

- It’s only fair that she got the Nigerian President’s credit card number.  I just got an e-mail from one of his people asking for mine so I can get ten million dollars!

Of Mice and Men

A Cancer researcher at Harvard claims to have found a way to reverse many of the symptoms of aging.  He gave elderly mice a shot of a drug that turns on an enzyme that makes the body generate new cells.  Within two months, the mice had replaced so many old cell with new ones, they were almost completely rejuvenated and even started fathering litters of babies with much younger females.  While it could take ten years to make a human version, he said the mice experiments are the equivalent of turning an 80-year-old man back into a 50-year-old. 

- With his six girlfriends, I’m pretty sure Hugh Hefner perfected this drug years ago.  

- 80 year-old-women are thrilled!  If it works, they’ll get to go through menopause all over again!

How Much Do I Have To Shell Out For The Turtle Doves?  

PNC Wealth Management released its annual estimate of the cost of giving all the gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Despite government claims that there is almost no inflation, the gifts would cost a total of $23,439 this year up almost two grand from last year.  The biggest jump was a a 30% rise in the price of Five Gold Rings.  The price of Three French Hens also soared 233% to $150, and higher wages and benefits for entertainers led to an $820 increase in the cost of hiring Nine Ladies Dancing.  

- Thank God Kwame’s in prison!  Imagine how much city money he would have spent on lap-dancing ladies at the annual it-never-happened party at the Manoogian Mansion! 

- The dancers also cost more this year because one of them was arrested and had to be bailed out of jail after being charged with prostitution.      

- It was hard to track down Three French Hens as they were off rioting in Paris over the two-year extension on the retirement age.  Then they spit on the reporter.  

- If you want to see Ten Lords a Leaping for under a hundred bucks, just sit in the audience of an Adam Lambert concert.  

- SAD NOTE:  This year, nearly all the maids-a-milking interviewed admitted they were lactose intolerant. 

Apparently Kermit Was Right, “It’s Not Easy Being Green”

Noted green lecturer and recycling activist Bono is embarking on the biggest touring production in rock history. U2’s “360 Degrees Tour” will cost $850,00 a day and require six 747’s and 55 trucks.  The previous record holders, the Rolling Stones, used only 46 trucks. 

- Maybe this should be called the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do Tour”. 

- To the bands credit, they will sell concert T-shirts made of 100% recycled material… made by kids in Chinese sweatshops.  

“Tis a Tangled Web We Weave”… Literally!

History’s most expensive show, the $65 million dollar “Spider-Man” musical, with a score by the above-mentioned Bono, had a disastrous first preview Sunday.  Special effects snafus forced the show to stop five times and run 3 and 1/2 hours. Some lowlights:  During the opening number, a lead actress was left dangling helplessly over the audience for eight minutes, wires fell on the crowd, and the “Green Goblin” character killed time by sitting at the piano and improvising “I’ll Take Manhattan, which one man called, “the best part of the show”.  Even Spider-Man was left hanging by a wire.  Toward the end, one woman yelled, “I don’t know about you, but I feel like a guinea pig tonight!”

- Sounds like this show has been cursed by “The Phantom of the Opera”!

- When asked for a comment on the glitches, Bono said, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. 

- I almost invested in this show but luckily opted out and put my money in an upcoming re-make of “The Sound of Music” starring Charlie Sheen as “Captain Von Clapp”!

“And the Oscar, like, goes to, like, um…”

The Oscars have chosen some rather surprising co-hosts for this years Academy Awards:  Actors Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  Academy organizers claim they’re doing it to “celebrate young talent”… but the bottom line is, they want to attract a younger audience. 

- They should have just gone with Justin Bieber for the really young viewers and for the slightly-older but still young demo, Macauly Culkin.  

- I don’t care who hosts the show as long as Kanye West doesn’t show up. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… the 1st of December!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

I’ve Got Good News And Bad News…

Congratulations to the Spartans!  Amazing!  As for Michigan… you’ve left us all a little “A-Dazed and Blue”…

R.I.P. Leslie Neilsen

The brilliant comedic actor who made “Don’t call me Shirley” a household expression died in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from complications of pneumonia.  Though we remember him best from the “Airplane” and as Lt. Frank Drebin in “Police Squad” and “The Naked Gun” movies… he actually began his career as a “serious” actor – even playing the ships Captain in “The Poseidon Adventure”.  Lucky for us, he turned to comedy.  Neilsen was 84. 

Use Your Mouse and Save Some Cheese!

Today is “Cyber Monday” – the on-line shopping equivalent of “Black Friday” with retailers offering major savings to internet shoppers. 

- Employers were worried that it would reduce productivity until someone pointed out that it will just cut down the time workers spend watching internet porn at the office. 

Shop ‘til Someone Drops!  

Retail sales on Black Friday were up 0.3 percent, but big crowds and long waits in the cold took a toll on shoppers’ patience. Police had to be called when thousand of shoppers rushed a Toys R Us in Grand Chute, Wisconsin and there was a scary pileup of stampeding shoppers trying to get into a Target in Buffalo.

- People in Buffalo don’t usually “stampede”, they usually “shuffle”! 

“Geoffrey the Giraffe” suffered whiplash in the Toys R Us incident and now has to wear a neck brace…

It Sounds Like A Bladder Control Issue…

“Wilileaks” sparked outrage by posting more than 200 thousand secret internal diplomatic communications leased from the U. S. State Department.  Aside from endangering confidential intelligence sources, they also reveal what diplomats and other officials actually think of various world leaders.  Among the revelations:  German leader Angela Merkel is “driven by paranoia” and that Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi has a fulltime nurse who’s a “hot blond”.

- Wow is that girl lucky!  Not only is she a hot blond, she gets to give Moammar Gadhafi sponge baths! 

- Angela Merkel is paranoid that nobody will take her seriously because she’s not a hot blond.

Their Relationship Was A Bust!

A man in Germany identified only as “Carston” is demanding a refund for his ex-girlfriend Anastasia’s breasts.  He agreed to loan her over $5000 (US) to get implants on the condition that she would stay with him for one year.  They broke up shortly after the surgery and now he wants the cash.  She says she’s repaid $3700 so far, and she’s afraid that if she doesn’t come up with the rest of the money, he’ll have police repossess her breasts.

- So to keep her breasts, it’s gonna cost her an arm and a leg.  

- They’ll be entered into evidence as exhibits “D” and “D”.

- They’ve agreed to a payment schedule… She’s now on the lay-away plan!

Wife Describes Husband as “Dumb as a Brick!” 

Reuters reports that a retiree in Germany decided to seal off the entrance to his cellar by bricking it up.  It was only after he’d finished the job that he realized he was on the wrong side of the wall and had bricked himself into his own basement.  Several days later, he escaped by drilling through a neighbor’s wall… since he didn’t want to wreck the one he’d just built. 

- His father did the same thing when he helped build the Berlin Wall.  

- Amazingly, when he emerged, Geraldo Rivera was there with a live camera crew.

I Love The Smell Of Pot-Pourri…

Willie Nelson was busted for pot possession in Texas after a Border Patrol officer smelled marijuana smoke coming from his tour bus. 

- Luckily these days Willie can claim he’s smoking pot for his glaucoma. 

- Willie has renamed his touring vehicle the “Canna-Bus”. 

- Willie Nelson smokes pot?  What’s next?  Charlie Sheen gets caught with a hooker?

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1948, India officially abolished the concept of “untouchability”.

- Thus allowing millions of Americans to “reach out and touch” someone in India in order to get their computer fixed! 

- And just a few weeks ago, the TSA introduced “Touchability” at US airports!

Have a great Cyber Monday and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"Don't Rain On My Parade"... (it didn't!)

Happy day-after Thanksgiving! I hope you had a good holiday and were able to share it with with those that mean the most to you. 

Before our annual family get together, Gail and I had something new to do this year.  Our day started with the alarm going off at 5:30am so we could get dressed and ready for the Parade.  Since I was co-Grand Marshall, The Parade Company President Tony Michaels and the committee were gracious enough to send a limo to pick Gail and me up to take us downtown.  Our first stop, Hockeytown, for an interview on Channel 4. Then back into the limo for a 5 minute ride to the Compuware building, for a pre-parade breakfast.  (They even made an egg-white omelet for me!) 

At 8:45, they limoed us, along with my co-Grand Marshall, DTE Board Chariman, Tony Earley and his wife Sarah, up Woodward to the Whitney Restaurant which was in the “holding area” location.  

After a half an hour or so there, we walked across the street to our waiting vehicles:  two Chrysler Sebring convertibles.  We then entered the parade in our assigned position (#23) about two slots behind “The Cow Jumping Over The Moon”, and we were underway for an hours ride!  

Now, having ridden up and down Woodward Avenue in 14 Woodward Dream Cruises in an open convertible, doing the same thing Thursday, was in a way similar… only colder!  Gail and I had prepared for the dismal forecast - in fact I bought a rain-repellent fur-lined hat with ear-flaps.  I wore it for the first 15 minutes, and then decided I didn’t need the ear flaps… besides, they made me look even dorkier than usual!   

I have to say riding in the Parade as co-Grand Marshall was not only an incredible honor, it was great fun!  The spirit of Detroit was never so apparent to me as it was as I watched the hundreds of thousands of people - as they say, “kids from 1 to 92” - lining Woodward Avenue on a cold, damp, blustery, Thanksgiving morning.   

As I rode up Woodward Avenue in an open convertible waving to the crowd, somehow it didn’t seem so cold. Maybe it was the thousands of people waving back! 

- Dick

P.S.  A special hello and thanks to my friend Captain Dave Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the nuclear powered aircraft carrier, the “USS George Washington”.  He and his six thousand strong crew are currently deployed off the coast of South Korea, following North Korea’s unprovoked attack earlier this week. I am truly thankful for them, their families and all of those who answer the call!

FINAL NOTE:  Saturday, Michgan State vs. Penn State… Go Green!!!!! And in honor of Michigan’s game in Columbus, click below to hear “Liquidate Ohio State” and Doc Andrews famous Mr. Michigan piece.  Go Blue!!!!! 

Liquidate Ohio State 

Mr. Michigan & the Ohio State Marching Band

As Adam Said, "It's Thanksgiving, Eve!"

“I See London!  I See France!  I See THROUGH Your Underpants!”

Today is the biggest travel day of the year and outrage over the TSA’s “Nude Body Scan” or “Extreme Pat Down” policy threatens to cause even longer delays at airports.  And now travelers have added a new complaint:  TSA screeners don’t change their rubber gloves between searches. 

- They wear rubber gloves?  At least they’re practicing “safe groping”!

Meanwhile screeners claim they’re not thrilled about it either.  One said, he’s not comfortable going to work, knowing his hands will be on another man’s genitals, inner thighs and butt, but still worse is having to feel between rolls of flab.  He said a lot of airline passengers are obese “and have a problem understanding what personal hygiene is.”

- I sympathize with the TSA workers (they couldn’t pay me enough to take that job) …the next step will be that all passengers have to pass “the smell test”.  

- If they think they’re going to have to deal with rolls of fat the day before Thanksgiving, just wait until the people are flying home!

- So far, they haven’t found any weapons in the flaps of flab, but they have confiscated several half-eaten sandwiches, 37 semi-melted Snickers Bars and a dozen cans of Pringles.

Here Comes The Son…

Experts on North Korea believe that dictator Kim Jon-Il launched a surprise artillery attack on a sparsely populated South Korean island because he’s handing over power to his son.  They think he’s trying to work up patriotic emotions so North Koreans will embrace and rally around his son.

… Biff Jong Il

- Nothing says, “You’re gonna love my son!” like bombing innocent people in another country.

- This is great for the heir apparent who’s really been down since losing his two BFF’s…  Uday and Qusay Hussein. 

- This just in:  South Korea has officially “un-friended” North Korea on Facebook!

Blame Canada! 

Canada’s Industrial Minister Tony Clement was recently giving a speech and meant to say “We need more Canadian success stories.”  Instead, he said, “We need more Canadian sex stories”, which was met with roaring laughter from the crowd.  He later insisted that he had not been thinking of sex at the time, and that he didn’t know why he said that, adding that “The male brain is a very strange organ at times, isn’t it?”

- Well the Canadian’s did give us a picture of former Prime Minister Trudeau’s ex-wife Margaret wearing a skirt with no panties!  (That’s SORT of a sex story…)

He Calls You “Pumpkin” For A Reason!

Looks aren’t everything… scent is also a big factor in sexual attraction.  Researchers in Chicago had men age 18 to 64 smell 40 different aromas and measured the blood flow to you-know-where to see which ones sexually aroused them.  The most arousing single stimulant?  Pumpkin pie.  The least arousing was cranberries, but one researcher said the good news is that “nothing turns a man off.”

- Well, D’uh!

- This could lead to some embarrassing moments during dessert time at the family Thanksgiving table.  

- Guys if you want to eat Thanksgiving Dinner on time, don’t go near your wife while she’s cooking it! 

- Hey!  This this might give people something to do while the Lions are on…   

- And you thought the Turkey was the only thing with a pop-up timer on Thanksgiving! 

In Keeping With Tradition…

I thought I’d wrap up today’s post with something I used to play on the air each Thanksgiving Eve morning. It’s a poem, originally done by Victor Buono, but eloquently recited by the one “Purtan’s Person” uniquely qualified to do so.  Just click below to hear, “The Fat Man’s Prayer”.  

Enjoy!  And from my family to you and yours… have a safe, happy and healthy Thanksgiving Weekend and I hope to see you in person at the Parade.  (Or if not… as co-Grand Marshall, I’ll wave to you on television… they tell me around 10:40am!)

- Dick  

“The Fat Man’s Prayer”

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

“Get Me To The Abbey On Time!”

Prince William and his fiancé Kate Middleton have set a date!  The two will wed on Friday, April 29^th , 2011 at Westminster Abbey… the 1000 year old church where current Queen Elizabeth married her husband Prince Phillip.

- One thousand years ago - or so it seems! 

Amazingly, the family of the bride will pick up the tab for the wedding (just like I did more times than I care to remember) which could cost in the millions – with the exception of security.  The Royal Family will handle that at an estimated cost of $20 million plus.

- Kate hasn’t decided on a dress yet, but rumor has it that her future mother-on-law Camilla has picked out an elegeant, but understated saddle.

Flying The REALLY Friendly Skies…

People are coming up with bright ideas to help passengers too embarrassed to undergo an airline body scan.  One scientist suggests using software that distorts the image like a funhouse mirror.  The TSA could still see any hidden weapons, but the nude body would be so grotesquely distorted that nobody could recognize whose body it was.

- So basically everybody’s scan would come out looking like a cross between Kirstie Alley and Calista Flockhart. 

- Speaking of carnival-type stuff… the TSA should hire carnies as screeners.  It wouldn’t feel nearly as invasive to be groped by a guy with really small hands.

But Wait… There’s More!

Another idea comes from Las Vegas entrepreneur Jeff Buske, who’s invented a line of underwear with a fig leaf design over the crotch.  The fig leaf is lined with powdered metal to be flexible and thin enough not to set off metal detectors, but would prevent scanners from seeing your private parts.

- The idea actually came from Adam and Eve who donned fig leaves before hopping a flight from the Garden of Eden to Las Vegas. 

Gloria All-Red!!!

In a recent, feminist attorney Gloria Allred defended the TSA’s body scans and intimate patdowns.  When asked if they’d touched her body parts, and Allred replied, “Yeah, they did, and it was the first time anybody touched them in a long time, and frankly, I liked it.”

- No wonder she’s so angry all the time!

- Gloria ended up having to go through security two times because after the first time she had to go outside the airport to have a cigarette.

OMG! A VW!

To mark her final season in syndication, Oprah Winfrey expanded her “Oprah’s Favorite Things” show to two days.  Delirious audience members received a boggling array of gifts including a custom tin of cheese and caramel popcorn, $500 gift cards for Nordstrom’s lingerie, $1900 designer earrings, and a free 2011 VW Beetle as soon as they roll off the line.  But Oprah said, “It’s not about the stuff… it’s about hope, and knowing that something magical and joyful can happen to you when you least expect it.

- No Oprah, it’s about the stuff!!!

- For Gloria Allred, that “magical and joyful” moment came at the airport.

Taking The Gobble Out of the Hob Nobble!

There’s a new list out of 10 ways to cut your Thanksgiving dinner by up to 3500 calories, or enough to keep you from gaining one pound.  They include:  fill up on clear veggie soup before the meal… don’t eat the turkey skin or the pie crust… replace the mashed potatos and sweet potato casserole with a plain baked potato sans butter or sour cream… use fat free gravy… use a tablespoon to serve instead of a ladle… and instead of a nap after the meal, take a 30-minute walk.

- Excuse me, but isn’t  “Fat Free Gravy” an oxymoron?

- Who ever came up with this idea is a real turkey.

- Or you can do what I do and serve Salmon… although I’ll admit they’re not easy to stuff - particularly through the back end!  

A Little Off Kilt-Er

A long-standing question has finally been answered:  The Scottish Tartans Authority, a group dedicated to upholding Scottish traditions, has ruled that Scotsmen should wear underwear under their kilts.  They say that to “go commando” in a kilt is childish, unhygienic and flies in the face of decency and common sense.

- So now, “The Wind May Always Be At Your Back”… but with underpants on, you won’t notice it as much.

- You mean to tell me that Prince Charles hasn’t been wearing underwear when he’s visiting Scotland?  Yuck!

Have a great day!  Since I want to be a WARM co-Grand Marshall of the Thanksgiving Day Parade, I’m headed out to buy my foot and hand warmers! See ya tomorrow!

-Dick 

We Hobbed! We Nobbed! We Gobbled!

The whole family gets ready to Hob Nob & Gobble!

From Left to Right: Neil & Jennifer, Brad & Julie, JoAnne, Eric & their kids Lauren and Adam, Me and Gail, Matthew, Julia and their mom Jill, Jackie & her son Charlie, and finally, Chris & Jessica with their two sons Jack and Preston.

Julia and Matthew, Jill’s kids with “Balloon Boy”.

One of these guys is co-Grand Marshall of Thursdays Parade.  The other one is a clown. 

 

A thorn between two roses!  Me, between my daughter Jill & my wife Gail.

Watch out ladies… The Boys are in town! 

(Jack, Charlie & Adam) 

Six of the seven grandkids pose with the evening’s headliner and rising star Shontelle!

Jackie and her “date” for the evening, Charlie, pause for a picture before heading off to ride “Ocean Motion”.

Way better than a Cruise Ship! 

“Charlie, are you sure you want to do this… AGAIN?!”

Matthew tries not to be embarrassed posing with his Grandmother and two Aunts!

BCF’s!  (Best Cousins Forever!)

Jessica & her oldest, 9 year old Preston lookin’ good!

Jack, Adam & Lauren ready to ride!!!

Preston & Charlie refuel before heading off to experience “Zero Gravity”.

Adam & Jack: One bite away from being members of “The Clean Plate Club”! 

Elephant Ears… a food, not a comment, on Jackie & Charlie!

Sorry about the glitch… but I think there’s enough to recognize me and Tony Michaels, CEO/President of The Parade Company.  We’re not sure who the guy with the red and white hat is… (Photo courtesy of David L. Malhalab)

The Hob Nob Gobble!

Well it’s almost Thanksgiving and this will be a big weekend for me and my family.  Saturday night all 20 plus of us (Gail and I, plus six daughters, husbands and seven grandchildren!) will be attending the “Hob Nobble Gobble” which I’ve been told is “the party of the year”.  The event this year will take place on the field at Ford Field and will be attended by almost 2000 people!  

The gala is a benefit for The Parade Company, a non-profit organization that runs the Freedom Festival Fireworks and the annual Detroit Thanksgiving Day Parade.  

This year I have the honor to be the co-Grand Marshall of the Parade - the 84th annual - along with Tony Earley, retired Chairman and CEO of DTE, both long time supporters of the Parade.  

Getting back to the Hob Nob Gobble… It’s a black tie affair not just for adults, but for the kids as well!  And while my two grand daughters Julia and Lauren were beyond thrilled to go shopping for the PERFECT dress… things went a little differently with the boys.  

As Jackie’s 9 year old Charlie told his mom, “Trying on clothes is more boring than going to lunch with Grandma and Grandpa.” (Guess who’s outta the will!!!)

So you can imagine the fun my daughters had standing at the “Men’s Warehouse”, watching their young sons try on miniature rental tuxes with all the enthusiasm of a guy walking to the electric chair.

The one exception was Jessica’s son Jack.  At just seven years old, Jack is already quite the ladies man (if you can consider girls in 2nd grade to be “ladies”).  From what I’ve been told, he strutted out of the dressing room with all of the confidence and panache of James Bond.  “I look great!”, he announced not only to his mom but to everyone else in the store.

And so, it appears, were ready for the big night.  And when I say big, I mean BIG.  The Hob Nob Gobble features an amazing array of entertainment from singers and clowns to nearly 20 full-size carnival rides for the kids.  (And, hopefully, me! I didn’t make it to Cedar Point this summer and could use a spin on something more exciting than my recumbent bike). 

It’s going to be a great evening and we’ll take plenty of pictures which we’ll post here on Monday!  

Then Sunday, it’s “Put Up The Christmas Tree Day” at our house.  (We like to have it up and ready for Thanksgiving).  And being the handyman that I am, you can rest assured that I will be right there supervising as Gail untangles the never-ending strings of lights and puts the little silver and gold hanger-things on the ornaments.  (Just so you don’t think I’m totally incompetent, I do a mean job with the tinsel)

So that’s what I’ve got on tap this weekend… I’ve gotta sign off now… I’m going to check out the long-range forecast for next Thursday morning, Parade Day, since Gail and I will be riding on the boot of an open convertible down Woodward Avenue!  I’ve got my hat, coat, scarf, gloves, fur-lined socks and electric underwear laid out already!  Let’s hope there’s no rain or snow… it would be pretty embarrassing if my shorts shorted-out during the Parade!

I hope you have a good one and I’ll see you back here Monday!  

- Dick

P.S. Big Al will not be attending the Hob Nob Gobble as he has other plans… He’s going to the airport to see if he can get himself a nude scan and an “extreme pat down”! 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Sneak-a Peek-a-Boo… I See You!

The backlash is growing against the TSA’s making air travelers choose between a nude body scan or a groping of their privates.  But some support the security measures.  Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill said, “I’m wildly excited that I can walk through a machine instead of getting my dose of ‘love pats’”.  TSA chief John Pistole said he got an “enhanced pat down” and admitted it was “more invasive” than he was used to.  But he stuck to the policy, even offering to bring security officers to the Capitol to demonstrate the pat downs on Senators.

- Senators are used to “invasive pat downs”!  They’ve been giving them to pages and hookers for years!

- Former Senator Larry Craig had an interesting “stance” on the issue… When he flies, he insists on both the pat-down and the nude body scan.

- Bill Clinton has volunteered to be the guinea pig and said, “I don’t care how many times it takes, let do it until we get it right!”

The Good, The Bad, and the REALLY Ugly 

Politico editor Jim VandeHei says that after 16 years of reporting on Congress, he’s realized it’s “Temptation Island”, especially for new, unattractive members.  He said some newly elected Congressmen are away from their families and haven’t had women show them any attention since college. But since “power is an aphrodisiac”, he said the behavior you see at night from ugly new congressmen “is the behavior you often saw from our friends in college”.

- This gives a whole new meaning to the expression “bumping uglies”.

- Their wives must be thrilled to hear the news.  Not only is their husband ugly, but he’s probably cheating too.

- These guys just got elected and they’re already messing with the “stimulus package”.

At Least It’s All “In” The Family!

Robert B. Spriggs of Pennsylvania is being held in jail on suspicion of stealing jewelry from his elderly mother and swallowing it.  Jailers have been waiting for the evidence to emerge the natural way and so far it’s paid off.  They’ve recovered three diamond rings so far.  But a police spokesman said two tennis bracelets are still missing so “we are in a holding pattern,” waiting to see “what else turns up”.

- One bowl of Fiber One and they could have this case solved by tomorrow morning! 

- Spriggs mother said, “He’s got a he a heart of gold”… and apparently a colon full of diamonds.

- His lawyer claims Spriggs was just trying to get more vegetables in his diet by eating a lot of Carats.

Animals In The News

Eric Easley of Mobile, Alabama, is charged with animal cruelty for allegedly having sex with a miniature horse.  Easley denied it and hired attorney “Cowboy Bob” Clark who told the press, “You can get a ham sandwich and indict it, but that don’t mean the sandwich was guilty of anything, except being a bad ham sandwich”. 

- After that statement, the pigs all demanded cans of mace and new locks on the pig pen.  

- Word around the stable is that Easley isn’t much of a lover… earning him the nickname “The Pony Express”.

- To his credit, he did take the miniature horse out for a nice dinner of carrots and oats before hand.

Look What It Did For Their First Winner, Mel Gibson!

People Magazine has chosen Ryan Reynolds, star of “The Proposal” and the upcoming “Green Lantern”, as 2010’s “Sexiest Man Alive”.  By coincidence, Reynold’s wife, Scarlett Johansson was just named “Babe of the Year” by GQ magazine.

- Well whoop-de-do!  I’m the co-Grand Marshall of next weeks Thanksgiving Day Parade and my wife just got a “World’s Greatest Grandma” coffee cup from Jackie’s son Charlie!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1966, the Pope announced that Roman Catholics in the U.S. no longer had to avoid eating meat on Fridays.

- And thousands of housewives rejoiced that they no longer had to make hamburger patties in the shape of fish! 

- On the down side, sales of “Mackerel Helper” plummeted.

Just a reminder… Thanksgiving is a week from today!  A new study showed the average Turkey Day meal contains 4500 calories.  So that’s it… No more gravy on my pumpkin pie!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

An “Un-Friendly” Reminder…

Jimmy Kimmel has declared today - National UnFriend Day, saying “NUD is the international day when all Facebook users shall protect the sacred nature of friendship by cutting out any ‘friend fat’ on their pages occupied by people who are not truly their friends.”  He added that “according to Facebook, there is no difference between your best friend – the person who cares so much about you he or she would give you a kidney to save your life – and the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate who constantly updates to make sure you know what color her aura is.”

- So far Jimmy’s received 2 million “likes” on this idea.

- This idea isn’t exactly new among late night talk show hosts… Conan O’Brian “unfriended” Jay Leno months ago. 

- Fake Facebook friends are better than real friends! They never ask you to come over and help move furniture. 

Are You Ready To Rhumba?

In a shocking turn of events last night, the higher scoring Brandy was kicked off Dancing With the Stars while the lower scoring Bristol Palin advanced to the finals.  Some fans are grumbling that conservatives on the Internet are conspiring to vote for Bristol, as revenge for how ABC News treated her mom, Sarah Palin, during the 2008 election.

- MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann was outraged calling Bristol, “The Worst Dancer…IN THE WORLD!!!”

- During the finals Bristol will perform the Russian Cossack Dance.  She learned it by looking out a window at her Mom’s house.

Speaking of Bristol… 

Janice Cowen of Wisconsin told police that her husband Steven had been under a lot of stress due to finances and a mental health problem and was drinking while watching DWTS Tuesday night.  When it was announced that Bristol was moving on to the finals, he went berserk - jumping up and down, swearing and demanded that she bring him his pistols.  She fled in terror when he pointed a shotgun at her.  He eventually surrendered to police and was charged with reckless endangerment. 

- Doctors describe his condition as “Post Traumatic Stress Because Bristol Is Still On Dancing With The Stars Syndrome”… or “PTSBBISODWTSS” for short. 

- Ironically, last season I jumped up and down, swore and demanded that my wife Gail bring me a pistol everytime I watched Kate Gosselin dance! 

- Next time you go to a political rally, avoid standing next to this guy. 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1968, NBC made the dumbest TV decision ever, when they cut away from the last minute of a major Jets-Raiders football game to show the kiddie movie “Heidi,” and the Raiders scored twice in nine seconds to come back and win. 

- The second dumbest TV decision ever occurred last night when Brandy was voted off DWTS!

It’s Got A Familiar Ring To It…

England’s Prince William made worldwide headlines when he not only announced his engagement to longtime girl friend Kate Middleton – but gave her the engagement ring that his father Charles had given to his mom, Princess Diana.

-  He was going to give her one like the one Charles gave Camilla, but apparently Kate doesn’t like nose rings.

- Boy if anything should ensure a long happy marriage for Prince William and Kate, it’s him giving her the engagement ring that Charles gave Diana!

- They knew Kate wasn’t all that thrilled with the ring when she yelled, “He didn’t go to Jared!”

- I haven’t been this excited since Larry’s King’s last three or four weddings!  

“Just Say No To Escargot” 

Chadwick St. O’Harra and Steve Righetti  are suing the Seafood Peddler restaurant in California over “exploding escargot”.  They say Righetti’s birthday celebration was ruined when they stuck their forks into some cooked snails and a spray of hot garlic butter shot out.  They claim it got on their polo shirts, squirted Righetti’s nose and got into O’Harra’s tear duct causing temporary blindness.  They say they were humiliated but wouldn’t have sued if the restaurant staff had shown remorse. 

- The waitress said, “Enjoy!” … what more do they want? 

- This is exactly why I always celebrate my at Leo’s Coney Island!

- Millions of men have suffered temporary blindness after thumbing through Playboy magazine, but you don’t see them filing a lawsuit.

“A Gay In the (After) Life” 

Mike Konigsfeld and Tom Brandl of Cologne, Germany, are designers and longtime gay partners who’ve created a new product:  coffins for gay people.  They say their coffins combine tastefully plush designer interiors with homoerotic artwork on the outside featuring muscular young men in classical poses.  They say it’s the perfect way to send off a gay loved one.

- Liza Minnelli has already ordered a bunch for all of her ex-husbands!

- And for those gay men who want to stay in shape for the afterlife, the casket is covered in drawings of Richard Simmons. 

- A lot of gay guys are choosing the “George Michael Model” because they say it doesn’t make their loved one look dead… it just makes him look like he fell asleep.

- For Lesbians, they have an Ellen DeGeneres look alike who will actually go to the funeral and dance on your loved ones grave!

Enjoy the sunny weather and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Kate’s Finally Getting The Family Jewels!

Prince William has finally popped the Royal question!  Buckingham Palace has announced that the second-in-line to the throne (Behind his father Prince Charles) is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton.  The two have dated on and off for eight years and are planning a wedding in the summer of 2011.  Royal insiders say it may be even more lavish than the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana back in 1981.

- Queen Elizabeth was so excited when she heard the news she almost fell off the throne… and hit her head on the plunger. 

- Kate is said to be madly in love with William and that he has her eating out of his hand… which, ironically is exactly how his dad Charles feeds his wife Camilla.

- William’s brother Harry will serve as best man so look for a Nazi- themed bachelor party held in a bunker with a an Eva Braun look-a-like jumping out of the cake. 

You’ve Gotta Be “F”-ing Kidding Me!

It is now impossible to get at “F” at West Potomac High School in Washington, D.C. unless you never hand in a single assignment.  Under a new plan, if a student doesn’t hand-in an assignment they’ll just get an “I” for incomplete.   They can hand it in months after the due date and it will not be marked down for being late.   And if they get every question on a test wrong, they can take it over until they pass.  If they get an “A” on the 10^th try, it counts the same as an “A” on the first try. The guy who came up with this idea pointed out that not everyone passes their driver’s test on the first try.

- Teachers say this will lead to fewer papers to grade, thus giving them much more time to have sex with their students! 

- So they’re basically replacing the “No Child Left Behind” program with the new and improved “This Guy Has His Head Up His Behind” program.

Chewing the Fat! 

A new study by an Oklahoma University researcher found that compassionate conversation about your problems can relieve stress, but “too much of a good thing is a bad thing.”  Women who spend a lot of time talking about each others problems show a spike in the stress hormone cortisol – which can lead to chronic stress, high blood pressure, lower immune response and increased abdominal fat. 

- And the Grande Half-Caf-Mocha Latte with whipped cream they drink while talking about those problems doesn’t help with the abdominal fat either.

- Men don’t talk about their feelings with their wives or girlfriends because they’re afraid they might slip and say, “Yes!  Those pants do make your butt look big!”

- Women are going to be talking about this study for years to come!

Cookies With Nuts?  

Some parents in England were stunned to learn that politically correct officials had changed lunchroom menus in 400 schools to turn gingerbread men into “gingerbread persons”.  The parents called it “ridiculous” and raised such a ruckus that embarrassed school officials reversed their decision and will soon be offering Gingerbread Men again. 

- There’s only one sure-fire way to know if your gingerbread cookie is male or female… run it through one of those full body scanners at the airport!

- Next thing you know they’ll be claiming that “Lorna Doone” is a lesbian.

She’ll Find Out If “It’s A Small World” After All! 

56-year-old George Reiger of Pennsylvania is known as the “Disney Tattoo Guy” because he has 2,200 Disney-themed tattoos.  He got the tatoos because he was lonely and they attracted attention to him.  But now, he say’s he’s “totally in love” with a woman he met on a Disney Cruise and he wants to have the tattoos removed so he can start a fresh life with her.

- The woman, identified only  as a “Ms. S. White” is said to be “head over tea-cups”.  

- The Seven Dwarves couldn’t be reached for comment since they were trapped in a replica of a Chilean Mine in Epcot Center.  

- George and his new girlfriend plan to double-date with the Mouses’, Mickey and Minnie.

- His girlfriend said she can’t help it… she just likes Goofy Guys.  

- George promised her their wedding night is going to be like, “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Security Guards A Little Too Frisk-y?

A man from Oceanside, California is against the TSA’s full body scans and invasive patdowns at airports – and has posted a video on YouTube to show why.  He used his cell phone at the San Diego Airport to record security people giving him a patdown, then telling him he had to submit to a secondary “groin check”.  Tyner replied, “You touch my junk and I’m going to have you arrested.”  Security took that as a threat and threw him out of the airport.  He could face a $10,000 fine and a civil suit.

- It’s kind of like those old photo booths that you and your boyfriend or girlfriend would squeeze into to take funny pictures of your faces… only the one’s at the airport take pictures of your private parts!  Aside from that small detail, it’s about the same thing.  

- Apparently he didn’t want anyone “touching his junk” until he actually got on the plane and tried to join the mile high club!

- This gives a whole new meaning to, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

- Maybe instead of full body scans and invasive patdowns, how about everybody gets a parachute and a bag of pretzels?  

Well I’ll Be Damned!

Over the weekend in Baltimore, the Roman Catholic Church held a two-day seminar to train new exorcists.  They say there are only a few people who know the ritual, and too many requesting it.  So more than 50 bishops and 60 priests signed up for the crash course in casting out demons.  A Cardinal said learning how to do an exorcism isn’t hard, the problem is the discernment an exorcist requires to know whether or not it’s needed. 

- When I heard about this story, it made my head spin. 

- Upon completion of the course, each priest got a certificate and an autographed picture of Linda Blair.

- When asked the key to living a good life, one priest responded, “Diet and Exorcise”.

- The technical name for a person who appears to be possessed by the devil is “Teenager”. 

- It’s a good thing they had the exorcism seminar after Halloween… that way I didn’t have to buy a vampire costume.

The King of Socks & Bonds 

Saturday in New York, thousands of items seized from convicted stock swindler Bernie Madoff were auctioned with proceeds going to his victims.  His wife’s 10.5 carat diamond ring brought $550,000 and his vintage Rolex sold for $67,500.  But bidders also paid big bucks for the most everyday items like Madoff’s old shoes and worn socks.  And believe it or not, a selection of his boxer shorts valued at $380 sold for $650.

- I hear Bernie still wears boxers in the slammer… briefly!   

- If they’d held this auction at the prison, they could have called it a “Yard Sale”.

- In a related story, Bernie has been cast in the Prison’s Spring Musical, “Happy Days”.  He’ll be playing “Ponzi”.

Luckily He Couldn’t Ketch-up With Her!

Last Thursday at the Burger Stop in LA, Francisco Hernandez proposed to his girlfriend.  She said no! Police say he then went back to his car and tried to run her over.  He had “Stacy Will You Marry Me?” written on his back windshield.  He fled on foot and was eventually arrested after being spotted walking around with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.  

- Can he help it if he’s a hopeless romantic?  

- At least he gave her a running start!

- He wanted it his way and apparently she didn’t want to “hold the pickle”.  

“No TV Until Yaboo Finishes Your Homework!” 

An Australian newspaper reports that a new type of work is being outsourced to India:  Homework! Sweatshops are providing students with everything from math problem answers at $2 each to complete essays for as little as $2 per 100 words.  Educators say they’ve worked out ways to spot cheaters who cut and paste from Internet sites like Wikipedia, but when homework is custom-written by Indian subcontractors, it’s much harder to spot.

- So Indian kids are doing our kids homework, and we call their parents to help fix our computers when we can’t open the essay we just bought from their son. 

- The Indian kids don’t always get the papers done on time.  Their #1 excuse?  “Sari.  My sacred cow ate it”.

- American teachers are going to have to start giving students’ papers the “curry smell test”! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus noted the use of tobacco by American Indians in his journal.  It’s the first recorded reference to tobacco.

- So smoke signals weren’t messages, they were just a bunch of Native Americans having a cigarette break.

Have a great day and I’ll see your right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"How I Was Mistaken For A Hero"

Last weekend Gail and I were in Buffalo, actually Kenmore, our hometown and a suburb.  Whenever we’re there, we always visit our parents graves and this time as we were leaving the gravesites of Gail’s parents, Charlie and Betty, some people nearby were getting out of their cars.  As we said our goodbyes, the group began walking up the cemetery hill in our direction.  As they neared us, one of the people, a man about 45, said to me, “Thanks for your service to our country”.  Somewhat surprised, I replied, “Thank you!” When we got to our car I said to Gail, “How did that guy know I was in the military?” And then I realized that I was wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with the American Flag and the words “USS George Washington” on it.  

It was the cap sent to me by Dave Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the US Navy Nuclear Aircraft Carrier “George Washington”. 

I came to know Dave and his wife Carol when they called me on the air one morning from Japan where Dave was stationed - about to take command of the “George Washington”.  It turns out that they listened to my radio show every evening (there is a 13 hour time difference between here and there) on the internet, and eventually came into our radio studio when they were back home in Detroit on leave.  During those visits, they would bring gifts for the morning crew including my cap, which I wear proudly and often!  

There are 23 million men and women alive today who have served in the United States Armed Forces and yes, I am one of them.  Only I was in the Army not the Navy.  Which brings me to a few of the highlights of my military experience… I warn you this will not be the most exciting reading! 

After four years in the ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) at Syracuse University, I was commissioned a 2nd Lt. in the US Army upon graduation. I was stationed at Ft. Monmouth, New Jersey for six months where all the action for me took place… Well actually the action really took place at nearby Ft. Dix where I had a couple days of basic infantry training. (I had many weeks of prior infantry training at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina while I was in the ROTC) Now comes the exciting part.  

We were on the hand grenade range and the guy next to me, due to an apparent lack of throwing ability (he definetely wouldn’t have been the quarterback on his high school football team) threw his “live” hand grenade - but not very far. It landed about seven or eight feet from the place where I was standing. The Sgt. yelled, “Hit the deck!” and I did. The ground shook a lot, but luckily no one was injured.  

The other memorable experience took place later that night when my platoon was crawling on our bellies through barbed wire while 50 caliber bullets were being fired right over our heads.  Every 5th bullet was a tracer, and while it was a bit scary it was also oddly beautiful against the black sky.

That experience gave me an incredible appreciation for our soldiers when those 50 caliber bullets are being fired at them - not over their heads in a training exercise.    

Well that was it and… oh, I forget one thing.  As I was crawling through the barbed wire my rifle slipped and one of the razor-sharp barbs struck me and I suffered a scratch on my right cheek.  When I got back to Ft. Monmouth later that night, Gail noticed the scratch.  I recalled to her the harrowing details of how I had been wounded.  Instead of receiving the Purple Heart, I got a spritz of Bactine and a band-aid.  So much for the returning hero!

And that was pretty much it; the rest of my military experience was spent serving in the Army Reserves for the next seven and a half years.  I left the army a Captain and on this Veterans Day Weekend I give thanks that I was one of the lucky ones who never had to go to war.  

I am even more thankful for the brave men and women who have, and continue to, put their lives on the line to ensure that the rest of us remain safe and free.  

- Dick

It's Veteran's Day!

 

To All The Brave Men and Women Who Have Answered The Call To Serve So That We Can Live In Freedom… Thank You!

*****

Wednesday, the bi-partisan co-chairs of President Obama’s deficit reduction committee released their suggestions for cutting the national debt by nearly $4 Trillion.  Effected would be Medicare, Social Security, the Military, Government worker pensions and more.  Also, the retirement age would rise from 65 to 69… by the year 2075!

- I’m okay with some of the cuts, but raising the retirement age to 69 by 2075?  No way.  I’ll be worn out by then!   

Amazon.dumb

Amazon.com has stopped selling one it’s Kindle e-books after thousands of outraged customers called for a boycott of the on-line seller.  The book in question?  “The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure”.  Amazon said early Wednesday that they don’t endorse the ideas in all the books they sell, but they won’t censor them.  But with the holiday shopping season just around the corner, they apparently changed their mind.  They are, however still accepting pre-orders for another controversial book:  “I Am the Market:  How to Smuggle Cocaine by the Ton in Five Easy Lessons”. 

- Lindsay Lohan ordered 10 copies saying, “They make great stocking stuffers!”

- Sounds like the people at Amazon are smoking what they’re selling.

- What next?  “Meth-Making for Dummies”?

How Cheeky of Her!

In an interview on Australian radio, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton dissed the Kardashian sisters.  She complained that people outside the US get a false image of Americans from watching reality TV shows.  Hillary said, “Kardashians are exactly” what’s not to like about American culture, adding, “If you look at American TV… you would think we all went around wrestling and wearing bikinis” all day.

- Bill Clinton added, “And if we all work hard enough… one day that dream will become a reality!”

- I’m pretty sure watching the Kardashians just makes people think that all Americans have enormous butts.

Oldies Are Goodies!

A new survey of over 1000 people proved that old friends really are the best friends. One in four respondents said they were still in contact with their closest friend from elementary school – with women slightly more likely than men to remain in contact with their best friend from childhood. By contrast, the average person considered only five current acquaintances to be “close friends”.

- OMG! This means BFF’s really are BFF’s!

- It’s no wonder we like our old friends better… Try getting someone you just met to play “Kick the Can” with you.

- How can we still be friends?  When I see my old buddies from elementary school, I don’t recognize them and they don’t recognize me!

You Just Can’t Put It Down!  Or Pick It Up!

An Indonesian author has set a new record for the world’s thickest book by creating a 5,472 page book on the life of Barack Obama.  It includes every conceivable record, fact or document on Obama, right down to Indonesian schoolchildren’s letters to him. 

- And much like Congress with the Health Care Bill, nobody is gonna take time to read it!

- This thing makes “War and Peace” look like a pamphlet.  

- It makes a great coffee table book… until it breaks the coffee table.  

- It’s one page shorter than Charlie Sheen’s “Little Black Book”.  

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1968, John Lennon released the “Two Virgins” album, with a nude photo of him and Yoko Ono on the Cover.  Police in Newark, New Jersey seized 30,000 copies, claiming it violated pornography laws.

- Actually it was the Pro-Porn industry that complained saying it gave nudity a bad name.

- It was the first time the public had ever seen John’s Ob-La-Di and Yoko’s Ob-La-Da. 

Blowing Out the Candles…

Happy Birthday to one of the greatest comics of all time, Jonathan Winters who’s 85.  In a survey of 40 nationally known comedians taken some years ago, 30 of them picked Jonathan as the funniest!

And congratulations to Mrs. Harrison Ford, Calista Flockhart.  For her 46th birthday he’s taking her out for her favorite meal… two rice cakes and a baby carrot.  

Happy Veteran’s Day!  We’ll see you back here tomorrow for the Friday blog!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

“Dishes Accomplished!”

Tuesday, former President George W. Bush promoted his memoir by appearing on “Oprah”.  In addition to serious issues, Bush revealed that on his first day out of office, his wife Laura made him do the dishes.  He said, “so, I’m lying on the couch and I say ‘free at last,’ and she says, ‘You’re free to do the dishes.’ So I say, ‘You’re talking to the former President, baby,’ and she said, ‘Consider (this) your new domestic policy agenda’”.

- World leaders immediately condemned him for “waterboarding” the dishes. 

- His first foreign policy move was putting French’s mustard on his bologna sandwich.

- In honor of George W. Bush’s visit to the show, Oprah gave everyone in the audience a picture of Barrack Obama!

Buy Hooker Buy Crook?  

The hooker who ended up locked in a hotel bathroom while Charlie Sheen trashed their room has decided she will press charges afterall. Capri Anderson has changed her tune and now claims that Sheen held her against her will and that she was in fear for her life.  But some skeptics think she’s just looking for cash saying she could just have easily left the hotel room.

- So basically we’ve got a hooker looking for money from her client.  Isn’t that why she’s called a hooker in the first place?

- It looks like once again Charlie’s gonna have to hire himself “Two and a Half Lawyers”.

At Least The Passengers Won’t Gain Weight On This Cruise!  

4500 passengers and crew on the Carnival cruise ship Splendor were stranded off the coast of Mexico Monday after an engine fire shut off the power.  They were adrift without a/c or hot water until tugboats arrived and they should make it to San Diego by tomorrow.  As for food, U.S. Navy Helicopters dropped them 70,000 pounds of supplies including canned crab meat, Pop Tarts and Spam.

- What do you wear for formal night on a tugboat?

- Luckily someone found a spare generator so Kareoke Night went on as planned!

- The people who signed up for “late seating” dinner got screwed.  By the time they ate, all the crab meat and Pop Tarts were gone.

- I would love to see all the waiters parading around the dining room on formal night with flaming trays of Spam!

- James Cameron has already secured the rights to make a movie about it called, “Spamtanic”.

Here’s Some More Spam For Your Computer… 

Researchers at McGill University say they’ve discovered that just the sight of meat is enough to make men less aggressive.  Psychologists expected that it would bring out ancient hunter bloodlust, but the opposite was true.  Men who were shown meat calmed down – possibly because of a genetic disposition to associate it with comfort and gatherings of people who share your DNA.

- The only exception to the results were men on a Carnival Cruise Ship who became enraged after looking at Spam.

- So Maury Povich should give up on the whole “DNA Testing” thing!   Just show ‘em a strip steak along with the infant in question, and if he stays calm… we’ll know the kid is his!

But What About Nancy and Sluggo?

20^th Century fox has bought the movie rights to Bil Keane’s 50-year-old, single-panel comic strip, “Family Circus”.  Despite countless jokes about its mind-numbing blandness, “Family Circus” is the most widely-syndicated comic strip in the world, and Fox plans to turn it into a series of movies.

- If I want to see a mind-numbingly bland movie,  I’ll just order “The English Patient” from Netflix.

- To be honest, I never got the humor behind “Family Circus”.  Now I’ll be able to not get it for two straight hours!

She Knows All About “Big Bangs”

Monday, scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva created the first mini-“Bing Bang” in the lab.  It briefly created a record temperature a million times hotter than the center of the sun. 

- When asked for a comment, Paris Hilton replied “That’s hot!”

Todays Almanac

On this day in 1886, the first dinner jacket was worn by its creator at a ball at the Tuxedo Park country Club in New York.

- Thank god the ball wasn’t held at a hamburger joint or today you’d hear people saying, “He looks so sharp in that Fuddrucker!”

And on this day in 1969,  “Sesame Street” made it’s television debut.

- And just to tell you how times have changed… back then, they made Bert and Ernie sleep in separate beds! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Money “Talks”

Newsweek has released its annual Power List, ranking the highest-paid public figures with political influence in radio:  Rush Limbaugh - $59 million, Glenn Beck - $33 million,  Sean Hannity - $22 million, and Bill O’Reilly - $20 million. That’s a total of $134 million.

- Of course those are “conservative” estimates…

- So now we know why nobody else in radio has gotten a raise in the last few years.   

It Depends What Your Definition of “No” Is   

Hillary Clinton insisted over the weekend that she has no intention of running for President in 2012 or 2016.  But at the time, she hadn’t heard the results of a poll taken the day after last week’s elections by Newsmax and Survey USA.  It found that if there were an election today and she and Barack Obama were the only names on the ballot, she would trounce him by 20 points.

- Apparently the country has decided that “it takes a village” to come up with “change you can believe in”.

- So she’s not gonna run in 2012 or 2016, huh?  I notice she didn’t say anything about 2020! Then again there’s always Chelsea…

- Bill really wants her to become President.  But that’s just so he can “entertain” France’s First Lady Carla Bruni while Hillary is busy meeting with the French President, Nicholas Sarcozy. 

A Bad Call!

British health officials are trying to develop a cell phone app that will let people “relieve themselves” on their phones to find out if they have an STD.  The UK Clinical Research Collaboration has invested $6 million (US) into creating a smartphone app that would let users put urine or saliva on a computer chip, plug it into their phone, and get a diagnosis within minutes. 

- Their slogan is, “Got the Clap?  There’s an App for That!” 

- You can also use it on your iPod… but then it becomes known as an iPeed.

- So now you can use the device you use to “Reach Out and Touch Someone” to find out if you caught anything from the person you reached out and touched.

“Casual Friday” Starts After You Get The Job!

OfficeTeam.com surveyed HR pro’s to ask what was the most inappropriate clothing they’d ever seen job applicants wear to an interview.  Among the findings were tube tops, low cut blouses, low-rise pants, Goth wear, and Bermuda Shorts with a Hawaiian Shirt and flip-flops.  One of the most memorable applicants came to the interview wearing a leather vest with no shirt.

- And he got the job… as the construction worker in “The Village People”.

- Everyone knows you shouldn’t wear a low cut blouse to a job interview. You save that for the day you ask for a raise!

- To be fair, most of the people who showed up in low rise pants were applying for jobs in the plumbing industry.

- NOTE:  If you ever apply for a job in radio, don’t pull out your microphone during the interview.

The Pilgrims Would Not Have Considered This Progress 

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, humorist Charles Phoenix has invented a new holiday dessert.  It’s called the “Cherpumple Pie Cake”.  It consists of a cherry pie, apple pie, and pumpkin pie each baked inside a separate layer of a frosted three-layer cake.  He made a YouTube video showing how to make it, which he says, “intrigues and horrifies people”. 

- Nothing says “Thanksgiving” like something that “intrigues and horrifies people”.

- Growing up, the only thing about Thanksgiving that “intrigued and horrified” me was when my relatives came over for dinner. 

- And I thought putting gravy on my mashed potatoes was livin’ on the edge…

Red Hot Poker!

Canadian poker professional Jonathan Duhamel won the World Series of Poker main event title and $8.94 million Monday night after defeating a man from Florida.  He was extremely excited and said, “It’s like the most beautiful day of my life”. 

- Ironically, under the Canadian Health Care System the man is now worth almost 9 million dollars and he’s still gonna have to wait six months to see a doctor about the heart palpatations he’s been experiencing ever since he won!  

But Does His Tie Match His Pumps?  

22 year old Kyle James Eckman of Lancaster, Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly shoplifting a pair of $70 shoes from a Kohl’s department stores.  Police say he put them on in the men’s dressing room and wore them out of the store after hiding his own shoes in his shopping bag.  They were easy to spot, though, since they were women’s high heels. 

- I can’t believe George Michael shops at Kohls!

- If his mom sends him a cake with a file in it while he’s in prison, he’ll probably just use it on his nails. 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1965, the Great Blackout occurred, when several Northeastern States and parts of Canada were plunged into darkness for 13 ½ hours due to power outages.

- Nine months later, “The Great Post-Partum Depression” began.  

And on this date in 1966, John Lennon met Yoko Ono at an exhibit of her artwork in London.

- If it had only been at a launch party for one of her records instead, the Beatles would never have broken up!

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Campaign Don’t-na-tions 

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann will be back on the air Tuesday night after being suspended by the cable network Friday for violating corporate policy; Olbermann donated $2400 to three democratic candidates in the fall without disclosing it.  MSNBC president Phil Griffin said that after several days of deliberation, he’d decided keeping Keith off the air was punishment enough.

- For who? 

- You mean to tell me Keith Olbermann is a Democrat?  But his reporting is so unbiased!

- I guess for a few days at least, Keith Olbermann was… “The Worst Person in the World!”

- The President of MSNBC said it was hard to find someone tough and manly enough to fill Olbermann’s shoes… especially because Rachel Maddow was busy doing her own show.

He Didn’t Curry Any Favor With The Audience… 

President Obama gave a 20-minute speech to India’s Parliament today, but some locals were surprised to learn that he’d be the first dignitary ever to use a teleprompter in their chamber.  One anonymous official said, “We thought Obama is a trained orator and skilled in the art of mass address with his continuous eye contact.”

- On a bright note, when the computer running the teleprompter went down, everyone – including the Prime Minister – jumped up and ran over to fix it.

- Why not use a teleprompter?  it was probably made in India anyway!

Dying to Have Sex? 

A new study of 4 thousand men by the University of Florence in Italy, found that men who have frequent sex have a lower risk of depression and prostate problems.  An added bonus?  The testosterone produced during sex can help prevent osteoporosis, diabetes, and reduce the risk of heart disease.  But there’s a catch… Only men who were faithful to their wives enjoyed these life-extending benefits.

- Which means Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are living on borrowed time.

- The men who cheated on their wives died much earlier… because they were shot by their wives or irate husbands. 

- The men who cheated didn’t always die young – but some of them developed a condition known as the “Bobbitt Syndrome”.   

A Tisket, A Casket, A Thong That’ll Blow Your Gasket!

Polish Coffin maker Linder is using its calendars to bring some sexiness back to death.  For the second year in a row, they’ve photographed hot models in lingerie posing next to their coffins.  The Catholic Church says it’s not sexy, its tasteless, shocking, and disturbing.  But Linder says they expect this year’s calendar sales to exceed the 3000 sold last year.  The 2011 version includes scenes inspired by movies like “The Godfather” and the James Bond films.  One pic shows a model in a lacy thong forcing a man into a coffin at gunpoint. 

- And thus the expression, “He died with a smile on his face!”

- The models they use for their Cremation calendar are REALLY hot!!!

- Of course this rules out the “closed casket” option…

- Who knew a push-up bra could make the idea of pushin’ up daisies so much fun!

- We considered doing this for one of our Children’s Hospital calendars, but we couldn’t find a casket big enough for Big Al. 

“You May Now Kiss Yourself!” 

Sunday, at a hotel in Taiwan, Chen Wei-yi married herself.  The 30-year-old office worker became an internet sensation after announcing plans to marry herself because they’re were no decent men available.  The ceremony and reception was attended by 30 friends and relatives.  Chen said,  “We must love ourselves before we can love others.  I must marry myself before marrying the special someone”. 

- I hope she made herself sign a pre-nup!

- Her wedding song?  “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”.

- “Marrying myself”… I think Geoffrey Feiger started that trend years ago.

- She registered for a set of “Hers & Hers” towels…

- Ironically, she loves her parents but can’t stand her in-laws.

“You Have Zero Friends in Common-ers”

Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook, launching a series of official pages offering daily updates on her royal engagements.  The 84-year-old monarch will be featured in videos, photos and news items starting today, along with her grandson’s William and Harry.  But because it’s a corporate – not personal account, you won’t be able to become friends with Her Majesty.  The Royal Family is already on Twitter, YouTube & the photo sharing Web site, Flickr.

- Except for Camilla, whose pictures are actually on “Flicker” the Horse.

- This is wonderful!  Now we’ll know exactly what the Queen is doing when she’s on the Throne.

- Prince Charles has launched his own Facebook page called “Make My Mother Retire”.

- The Queen lists her “Interests” as, “Waving” and watching the British reality show, “Pimp My Carriage”.

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"What a Friend I Got" ... by Tom DeLisle

I thought you might be interested in reading a piece written by a friend of mine, Tom DeLisle, who used to work with Sparky Anderson on a variety of TV projects.  I think it’s a great read, and a great tribute to a great man!  

-Dick 

*****

I always called him Captain, something I shouldn’t have done, because I was never quite sure how he took to the term.  After all, one of the nicknames he had picked up in his forays through the baseball world was “Captain Hook,” a semi-critical title based on his habit of pulling starting pitchers early during hotly contested games when he managed at Cincinnati.

But that had nothing to do with my reason for using the title.  Sparky Anderson was a captain; of a ship, of a team.  In life.  It was so natural, and seemed so right.  His inate sense of leadership and command seemed to ooze from him.  So “Captain” he was to me.  And I always wondered if he minded my usage of it.  He never said either way, so I’ll never know.

For a few years in the 1980s I was Sparky’s television producer and sometimes writer — both for specials and commercials — at Channel 4. And a better gig I never had in broadcasting.  He was delightful, every time, all the time.  I used to tell the brass at Channel 4 and Post Newsweek that if they wanted to field a wildly successful daily cable series — which they did — that it could be a show called “SparkyVision.” We would employ a couple of sound cameras to follow Sparky around each day, as he traveled through his colorful personal life and exciting Tigers existence.  We would broadcast all of his bizarre sayings and baseball manueverings for 18 “live” hours.  Then, for the six hours Sparky slept, we’d show edited highlights from that day.

And — what the hell, I said — when he went to the bathroom we’d just quietly wait outside the door.

I wrote scripts for him at times, but they often were discarded in light of his own ad libs.  We did an annual series of TV commercials called “Tiger Moments,” featuring the Sparkster and Al Kaline and George Kell.  One 30-second spot called for George and Al to ask a trivia question about Sparky’s total losses as Tiger manager. The spots always concluded with some kind of gag line, and this one was to end with Sparky moaning the old bromide:  “With friends like this, who needs enemies?”

When it came time to tape, Al and George performed their lines on cue, and when Sparky was to  perform that last line, he instead looked into the camera and blurted “What friends I got !!!”

That broke everyone up, especially Sparky, and after he promised to do his line properly on a re-take, I borrowed from his own syntax and said “No way, Captain….I can’t write ‘em as good as you say ‘em.  We’ll leave it like that.”

My favorite Sparky line?  Maybe it was the time he was talking with J.P. McCarthy on WJR radio, and when J.P. made reference to Baltimore pitcher and underwear model Jim Palmer being “handsome” … Sparky shot back “Aw, J.P….Palmer ain’t handsome … he only looks handsome.” Pure Sparky.

One year we were shooting promotional commercials for NBC and the upcoming Winter Olympics with Sparky and Isiah Thomas — an odd mixture to be sure.  It was near the end of that year’s baseball season.  The Tigers hadn’t qualified for the playoffs, and Sparky was speaking wistfully of returning home to “T.O” (Thousand  Oaks, California, his home) to play golf over the winter.  “I’m tellin’ ya, I’m goin’ to that clubhouse every morning … and I’m gonna play golf EVERY day this winter.  Every single day.”

“Captain,” I asked.  “What are you gonna do on days when it’s raining?”

He thought for a second and said “I’m gonna go sit in the clubhouse, and wait till it stops.”

I visited him once in his office before a crucial Tigers game, and to my surprise he was shaking like a leaf. When he noticed I noticed, he said “It’s good to be nervous, ya know Tommy?  It shows you’re alive.”  He was alive like few others sharing his planet.

I could list a hundred funny stories here, I could talk about the tremendous things he did for people, the phenomenal way he treated my Mom and Dad.  I could cite places I went with him — even to New York, and the office of President Richard Nixon for a special primetime TV special we shot — but space limits us, and I’ll get back to those tales some other time.

Instead I’ll finish by recalling the best taping I ever did with Sparky, and there was no need for any writing or directing from me that day.  We followed him on one of his tours of the floors of Children’s Hospital.  It was just Sparky, and boxes of hot pizza he was delivering to the kids, going room to room.  You never saw anyone operate, communicate, love youngsters like he did that day.  He was a marvel, a magician, a saint.  What he did for those kids, the way he spoke to them, the way they looked at him … it was beyond the reach of most mortals.  He was that special.

When I heard he was sick, I too felt sick.  And when I heard he died today … I felt like I’d lost my own grandfather.  

Not only do they not make ‘em like that anymore … to borrow a wording he might employ … in Sparky’s case, they never did.