He Brought a Spark to Baseball, to Detroit, and to Life!

It’s hard to believe that shortly after we lose Ernie Harwell, we lose George “Sparky” Anderson.  Both legends and great men in baseball and in life.  As Sparky himself tearfully said last May upon hearing that Ernie had died, “Why do we have to lose people like this?” … and now we ask the same question about Sparky.  

Sparky managed the Big Red Machine in Cincinnati to two World Series Championships (1975 & ‘76) before he came to Detroit in 1979.  I still remember driving to lunch with Tom Ryan the day it was announced on the radio.  I was absolutely thrilled when I heard the news because Sparky had such a great reputation and I thought, “Hey, we’ve got a real major league manager now!” And that proved to be the case for the next 17 years!  

17 years managing one team is a lifetime in the career of a baseball manager.  When he retired from the Tigers in 1995 I actually felt depressed, because win or lose, (and of course Sparky did bring home a World Championship in 1984!) I believed the Tigers and all of us fans were losing the best manager in baseball.  Much like Ernie, Sparky transcended the game. They were both bigger than life.  For all those years we were blessed with the best manager and the best announcer in baseball… and now they’re both gone! 

I have been involved in Sparky’s CATCH charity for kids for many years and I still remember receiving a CATCH award from Sparky himself at a dinner years ago.  As he handed me the award and flashed me that big infectious smile of his, he reached out and shook my hand.  It was a moment I’ve never forgotten.  

It was always a thrill to talk with Sparky on the air, although to be honest with you, with all of his malaprops, sometimes it was tough for me to figure out exactly what he was talking about!  

But now he’s gone and I can picture him taking a walk, side-by-side, with Ernie around Heaven…  just as the two of them did so many mornings when the Tigers were playing on the road. 

- Dick 

P.S. Below is a video of an outtake and a couple commercials I did with Sparky and the late great Piston’s Coach Chuck Daly for the Ford Dealers back in the late ‘80’s!  Thanks to Rick Bartus for finding them and sending them along.  If you have trouble trying to figure out who’s who, I’m the one with the ridiculously big black mustache! 

Dick, Sparky and Chuck Daly

"And The Winners Are..."

Thanks to all of you (and there were a lot!) who entered our first-ever contest giveaway here on dickpurtan.com!  From all the entries we received we have randomly selected five lucky people who, along with a guest,  will be enjoying “Dinner and a Show” this Friday night at Andiamo Celebrity Showroom in Warren.  The show, “Johnny Trudell & His Orchestra Salutes the Decades” will be hosted by yours truly!  So without further ado… here we go!

Chuck Barnes

Jeff Ziegler

Mary Connell

Sal Cantanese

Sandra Pisching

You can pick-up your tickets at the Andiamo Box Office which opens at 6pm Friday night! (Photo ID required)

I look forward to seeing you there and also to our next contest!  Due to the overwhelming response look for your next chance to win great prizes and other fun stuff right here!!!!!

And now… on with the news!

“Memoir Accomplished”

What was the worst moment of former George W. Bush’s presidency?  According to his new memoir it was when Kanye West said he “didn’t care about black people” after Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.  Bush says criticizing how he did his job is one thing, but that it was “disgusting” to call him a racist.  Asked for comment, a contrite Kanye said he now understands how Bush felt on a humanitarian level, because he was also accused of lacking compassion after he interrupted Taylor Swift’s MTV Video Awards Speech. 

- Kanye went on to remind President Bush that Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time.

Can’t We Just Disagree to Disagree?  

The day after Tuesday’s Democratic wipeout, President Obama and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid scoffed at suggestions that Americans had rejected their policies like Obamacare, and said it means Republicans now need to compromise with them.  Top GOPer’s responded that no, it means Democrats need to change their policies and compromise with them. 

- Meanwhile Kanye West reminded both sides that Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time.

- I haven’t seen this much spinning since I saw the Chinese Plate-Balancing Act on the Ed Sullivan Show.

Did She Vote?  I Dunno… Alaska! 

Bristol Palin, daughter of former VP candidate Sarah Palin admitted that she didn’t vote in Tuesday’s election because she was too busy rehearsing for Dancing With The Stars.

- And just like a lot of Democrats were, she’s gonna be voted out any day now.

So Politicians Really ARE Full of Hot Air! 

At the 8^th Sex culture Festival in China, an unidentified novelty company unveiled its new Barrack Obama inflatable sex doll.  The doll comes in a dark blue suit and red tie with Obama’s face silkscreened onto the head. 

- For an added fee, you can get an inflatable teleprompter so you can pretend the President is whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

- Next week, Oprah is giving the dolls away to everyone in her audience!

- It’s already sold more than the “Kim Jong Ill”  and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad inflatable sex dolls combined!

- And to think I was happy with my Margaret Thatcher bobblehead!

This Outta Put ‘Em In The Mooooood!

The Ralph Martin family of Elmira Ontario are dairy farmers and they believe happier cows give more milk.  They’ve just spent $1 million on a luxury barn that includes mattresses for each of their 90 cows, automated curtains to regulate the light, and automated backscratchers that turn on when a cow leans against them.

- I put the chances of this extra milk thing working out at 2%. 

- If they install those coin-operated things on the mattresses the cows will produce cottage cheese! 

- Am I the only one who finds this udderly ridiculous?

- They got the idea for the “cow on a mattress thing” when they spotted Big Al at a Select Comfort store looking for a new bed.

- Before they got the mattresses, the cows went to sleep the old fashioned way… they counted sheep.  Literally!

I Love Paris In The Fall… 

Monday in Paris, France a couple allegedly left their four-year-old and 15-month-old daughters alone on their apartment balcony.  The toddler slipped off and fell seven stories.  But a man who happened to be walking by saw her falling and ran towards her.  The girl bounced off a café awning and landed safely in the man’s arms.

- When the doctor told the couple they had a “bouncing baby girl” he really meant it! 

- Hey, the Lions could use this guy!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1922, King Tut’s tomb was discovered.

- Why did it take so long to find?  Archeologists usually find these bodies in pyramids, but in this case, Mr. Tut lived in a Condo Made-a Stone-a! 

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

I stayed up late (hey, I always do now!) to watch all the election results.  Of course the results are important to all of us, but I realized I’d gone a little overboard when I jumped up off the couch and fist-bumped my wife Gail when they announced that Zeke Grabinski had just won the 4^th Congressional District in North Dakota.  (I’d never heard of Zeke before last night… but I wish him well!) 

Kids in San Francisco are McMad!

San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors voted 8 to 3 Tuesday, in a veto-proof majority to effectively ban Happy Meals.  The new law requires restaurant kid meals to meet strict nutritional guidelines if they want to include a toy.  Some say its an encroachment on freedom while others say it will help fight childhood obesity.  All in all it might not make a difference since Mickey D’s can still sell the Happy Meals without the toys, which were recently rated as “sucky” in a poll of San Fran kids. 

- Ironically, San Francisco resident and soon-to-be ex Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, described the overall National Election results as “Sucky”.

-  In a related story in-Bun-bent Mayor McCheese easily defeated his opponent known only as “Wendy”.   

McDonald’s Gets McScrewed Again… 

A Brazilian court last week ordered McDonald’s to pay a former manager $17,000 because he got fat while working there.  He said he felt forced by McDonald’s quality standards to sample the food every day to make sure it tasted good enough, plus the company offered free lunches to employees.  He gained 65 pounds over the 12 years that he worked there, but McDonald’s may appeal noting that they offer low-cal options like salads.

- Who hasn’t gained 65 pounds in 12 years?

- His attorney said his client now has a serious medical condition and needs to see a urologist from eating too many McNuggets.

Speaking of Super-Sizing…      

America isn’t the only country with an obesity problem:  A British clothing company has begun selling the nation’s largest off-the-rack suit.  It’s Size XXXXL.  The pants have a 60-inch waist and the jacket has a 64-inch chest – that’s 22 inches wider than average.  Two average size men could comfortable fit in the suit.

- Or one guy who used to work at a McDonald’s in Brazil.

- Or one guy who used to work on my radio show…

- Despite Sunday’s victory, XXXXL is the Superbowl the Lions will most likely appear in.

But There’s Nothing “Natural” About Her! 

Pam Anderson posed for Playboy’s January Cover for $25,000 so she could donate the money to help Indonesian disaster victims.  But a local Islamic group condemned her, saying that taking the money would be against the law of God because it was obtained through “immoral acts”.  The Islamic Defenders Front said, “If she wants to be photographed naked, then she is challenging a bigger disaster to happen in Indonesia.”

- Even though she’s not topless, being on the cover of Playboy is considered immoral.  But apparently killing people over religion… that’s okay!  

- If Pam causes a natural disaster here in the States it will most likely be in the Silicone Valley.

Quick Notes…

Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his wife Brooke Mueller.

- I don’t blame him a bit.  I wouldn’t put up with all her antics either!

- I’m sure he’ll find solace in at least one of his 5000 Hooker friends. 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1952, frozen bread was sold for the first time. 

- Before that, people had to actually freeze their own bread before thawing it out!

On A Serious Note…

I, along with all of Purtan’s People, wish only the best for Sparky Anderson! The baseball legend, who is 76, has been placed in the care of hospice for complications from dementia at his California home.  Our thoughts and prayers are with Sparky and his family!  

- Dick

"If Your Election Last More Than Four Hours..."

Vote Early and Vote Often!

While most polls show Republicans are set to make huge gains, the first big battle will be for TV ratings.  The networks have taken a huge hit from cable and the Web, but they’re fighting back with plans for wall-to-wall coverage, using the latest FX technology and tie-ins to their Internet content.  NBC will incorporate iPads, touch screens and virtual reality.  And on cable, CNN, which introduced holograms two years ago will expand on that with a quadruple-sized “data wall” and 3D graphics to display exit poll data.

- So this year we’ll get to see all the inaccurate exit poll data in 3D!

- I’m still having a hard time looking at Wolf Blitzer in hi-def.

- CNN may be using 3D graphics, but Fox is sticking with the 36D blond anchors.

- NOTE:  It turns out that the “tingle” MSNBC’s Chris Matthews said he felt when he saw President Obama speak was actually just his Restless Leg Syndrome acting up. 

Speaking of the President…

Barack Obama has decided to give just one interview on this historic Election Day.  Who scored the sit-down?  Ryan Seacrest!!!

- They’re going to discuss the really important issues of the day like Charlie Sheen’s divorce and who should get kicked off DWTS. 

- My bet is Obama wants to see Bristol Palin get the boot.

- Barbara Walters was so upset that she didn’t get the Election Day interview, she un-friended the President on Facebook. 

Pot-Pourri

Meanwhile, the referendum to legalize marijuana in California that once enjoyed a healthy lead in the polls is now down by 7 points among likely voters. 

- Still, you’ll be able to tell who voted for legalization by the orange Cheetos smudges on the ballot.

- Cheech Marin said, “Whoa, man.  What do you have to do to get a cool law passed in this joint?”

Big Shoes, Tiny Cars.

Turns out voters aren’t the only ones fed up with the government.  Keith Nelson performs as “Kinko the Clown” with a family circus in New York and he’s tired of being insulted by hearing politicians called clowns.  Nelson says, “You’ll find that circuses are one of the most efficient and well-run industries in America.  Before you call anyone in Washington a clown, consider that clowns make people happy.”

- We should really call politicians “mimes” since they stand around pretending they’re doing something productive but all they do is end up annoying people.  

- As a parent, I wouldn’t be too thrilled to have my kid hanging around a clown named “Kinko”!

- What does Kinko do in his spare time?  He makes copies! 

He’s Still #1 With The Ladies…

Tiger Woods is no longer the best golfer in the world. His record five years at #1 in the Official World Golf Rankings is over.  He’s dropped to #2 behind Lee Westwood, who seven years ago was only 266^th. 

- Apparently he spent too little time working on his drives and too much time working with his putter. 

Lady Gag-Gag Me With A Spoon! 

The University of South Carolina is now offering a course on Lady Gaga called “Lady Gaga and the Sociology of Fame”.  It’s being taught by sociology Prof. Mathieu DeFlem who has actually met the singer numerous times and said, “We’re going to look at Lady Gaga as a social event. Other people say that Gag’s the new Madonna.  I see it more like there’s people who have this very individual thing.  Frank Zappa had it.  Prince had it. Jimi Hendrix had it.  And Lady Gaga has it. 

- Yup, Madonna’s got it… and she’s given it to a lot of guys!

- Justin Bieber has it but he’s too young to understand what it is.

- This class is turning out to be a lot more popular than the one on “People Who Don’t Have It” which focuses on Larry King. 

Have a great day and don’t forget to vote!  Polls are open from 7a.m. to 8p.m.  Let’s hope you don’t have any problems with a hanging chad!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Hope your Halloween was a good one… and now on to November!

A Sign Of The Times 

Saturday, a big crowd gathered in Washington for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s “Rally to Restore Sanity/Fear”. There were a lot of funny signs promoting non-partisan moderation like, “Death to Extremists”, “I Feel Strongly Both Ways” and “I Have A Sign”. 

- Turns out the “I Feel Strongly Both Ways” sign wasn’t about bi-partisanship… it was held up by a bi-sexual guy from Royal Oak.

The only real controversy came from the appearance by Yusef Islam, formerly singer Cat Stevens.  Critics said he was a poor representation of non-partisan moderation considering he backed the Islamic death fatwa against Salman Rushdie for writing “The Satanic Verses”. 

- Salmon Rushdie did not attend the rally as he is still in hiding.  Apparently he’s still afraid he’s being followed by a “moonshadow,  moonshadow,  moonshadow”.

“Reach Out And Overhear Someone” 

The news reporters at a TV station in Anchorage, Alaska are under fire because their editor, Nick McDermott apparently doesn’t know how to hang up an iPhone.  McDermott left a voicemail for a rep for Republican Senate candidate Joe Miller and unknowingly left his phone connected while his staff held a meeting.  Miller’s rep got a recording of reporters talking about creating negative stories by trying to find any sex offender in the crowd at a Miller rally and hoping there was some kind of chaos so they could say the Republican had been punched out.  It prompted Sarah Palin to call the station’s reporters “corrupt bastards”. 

- Which is the same thing she said about the judges on DWTS when they gave Bristol a low score for her Rumba.

- So let me get this straight… some media outlets are biased?????

- The editor’s lack of ability to hang up the phone has led to a new term:  An iDiot.

Book ‘em Dano! 

Ontario recently passed laws banning the use of cell phones and other gadgets while driving, but they forgot more traditional distractions.  Last week, police near Toronto got a call at 2:39a.m. reporting a car weaving down the center strip of Highway 401.  It turned out to be a man driving with his interior lights on while reading a book.

- To be fair, he thought “Books-on-Tape” meant you were supposed to tape a book to your dashboard.

- If he had both hands on the wheel, the cops are wondering what he used to turn the pages.

- Maybe he was just up early studying for his driver’s test scheduled for 7a.m. at the Department of Motor Vehicles.   

If He’d Just Switch to Pepsi!

Charlie Sheen’s manager has dismissed a tabloid claim that Sheen is on a coke and hooker bender that could kill him within a week.  He said he went to Sheen’s house and found him sitting on the couch eating a turkey sandwich, looking “as normal as he’s looked in a long time.” Sheen told him he was fine, but had to go out soon to buy candy because so many trick-or-treaters come to his house.

- I’m sure a lot of tricks show up… I’m not so sure about the treats.

- Charlie gives full-size candy bars to hookers who show up dressed as cheerleaders.

Is Bill Maher’s Show Going To Pot?  

Friday on Bill Maher’s show, “Real Time,” comic Zach Galifianakis shocked the other guests by lighting up a real joint on the air to show his support for Prop 19 that would legalize pot in California.

- That’s one way to get “higher” ratings. 

- Bill Maher was said to be shocked.  He only smokes pot in his dressing room before the show. 

- Charlie Sheen said he was “disgusted by the display” and turned the show off!   

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1896, National Geographic magazine ran it’s first photo of a bare-breasted native woman. 

- The very next day, Bill Clinton’s great, great grandfather locked himself in the outhouse for 7 hours. 

Then on the same day in 1982, the Playboy Channel was launched. 

- The very next day, Bill Clinton had a TV installed in his bathroom.     

Have a great day and don’t forget to register for your chance to win tickets to dinner and “Johnny Trudell & his Orchestra Salute the Decades” this Friday at Andiamo Celebrity Showroom in Warren. Just go to: dickpurtan.com/contest for all the info!  Winners will be announced Thursday!  

See you right back here tomorrow - Election Day!

-Dick 

Dick Purtan & Purtan's Pumpkins!

So here it is… the big Halloween Weekend!  I know today’s a big day for parents and grandparents as they head to school to watch the little ones parade around in their costumes, then of course comes the big event - Trick or Treating on Sunday night.  In keeping with tradition, once again this year I’ll be handing out soup.  It’s been so successful in the past… the kids really seem to like it.  And as an added surprise this year I’m switching from Chicken Noodle to Chunky Beef.  (It gives the kids more protein).         

We’ve got quite a mix in our family this year - Jackie’s son Charlie is going as a magician, Jessica’s sons Preston and Jack are going as Mario and Luigi from the Super Mario Brothers Video Game, JoAnne’s kids Lauren and Adam are going as a piece of pizza and Iron Man respectively.  And in keeping with the food theme, Jill’s daughter Julia will be a Hot Dog and her brother Matt will provide dessert by going as an Ice Cream Bar.  

As for me, I’m still undecided.  I’m either going to go as Frankenstein or Monica Conyers.  Actually, I think I’ll go with Frankenstein.  After all, I don’t want to scare the kids!

AND NOW, THE DRUM ROLL PLEASE… 

I’m excited to announce what we hope will be the first of many ways to win fun stuff here on dickpurtan.com!

Starting right now, you have a chance to win one of five “Dinner and a Show” packages to “Johnny Trudell and His Orchestra Salute the Decades” at Andiamo’s Celebrity Showroom in Warren.  The event, which will be emceed by yours truly is next Friday, November 5 and includes not only dinner and the show, but tax, gratuity and adult beverages!  How do you win?  Just go to www.dickpurtan.com/contest.  It’s just that easy!  Questions?  Just read the rules and regulations (something I tried to avoid during my entire radio career)!  And don’t worry… we won’t share any of your personal info with anyone!  I pinky swear!  

Have a great Halloween and don’t forget to enter for your chance to win!

See you right back here on Monday!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Note:  Coming tomorrow… Find out how you can win Dinner For Two and Tix To a Great Live Show! (It’s the first of many contests to come!) 

At a campaign rally for Democrats in Chicago, former President Bill Clinton begged the crowd to just, “give us two more years”…

The same line Bill used on Hillary after she found out about Monica.

Don’t politicians usually beg for FOUR more years?  I guess EVERYBODY’s downsizing. 

Not Tonight Honey, My Head Is Wired Wrong 

It’s possible that some women with low sex drives are physiologically different from women with healthy libidos.  Wayne State University researchers did MRIs on women with low sex drives as they watched a TV that alternated between a blank screen, regular programs and erotic videos.  Parts of the brain that light up when most women are aroused didn’t in women with low libidos.  So it’s possible that for some women, a lack of interest in sex isn’t psychological; it’s that their brains are actually wired differently than other women’s.

Women’s brains lit up the brightest when they watched a video of a man vacuuming. 

In a study of MEN, the only time their brains DIDN’T light up was when they were shown a clip of the women on “The View”.

Man, She’s Good Looking!

Police in Ohio say that 16-year-old Rufus Bowman thought he had an easy robbery victim when he lured a prostitute into an alley to conduct business, then pulled a gun.  But the hooker fought back.  Even after being hit in the arm, the “lady of the evening” grabbed the gun, grabbed him by the hair and, “beat the (BLEEP) out of him. Turns out Bowman’s hooker was transvestite prostitute Joshua Bumpus, who is 6-foot-1, 290 pounds and was wearing a pink halter top and pumps.  Bowman has been sentenced to 3 years in the slammer.

I’d love to see who he picks as his date for the prison dance!

In his defense, Bowman said he’s a basketball fan… and that the hooker reminded him of Dennis Rodman. 

You’re Twisting My Words!

The Collins English Dictionary has accepted a new set of words.  They include “funemployment”; which means an enjoyable period of freedom while jobless…

—  “funemployment” is quickly replaced by “recession-depression” when you realize you can’t afford your house payment.

 “Intexticated” also made the list.  It’s defined as “getting distracted while trying to text”.

— You know… silly distractions like driving seventy miles per hour down the freeway while you’re trying to send your girlfriend a message.

— In Detroit, we call it “Kwamefication”.

After reading the list, we came up with a new word of our own:  “Crosstitute” – That’s the name for a transvestite hooker like the one that beat the crap out of the guy in the last story. 

He’s Gonna Win Hands Down! 

Conan O’Brian may be going to court to fight NBC over who owns the rights to his regular character, “The Masturbating Bear”.

— Rumor has it that Conan has hired attorney Gloria Allred to represent the bear. 

— She plans on calling Pee Wee Herman as a character witness. 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1885, British pottery maker Thomas Twyford built the first porcelain toilet for famous London plumber, Thomas Crapper.

— In those days people would say, “Excuse me, but I have to go to the Twyford.”  

Have a great day and look for our first-ever contest announcement right here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Charlie Is Nowhere To Be Sheen!

Charlie Sheen has been voluntarily hospitalized for intoxication and psychiatric evaluation after the NYPD found him naked and drunk in a trashed suite at the Plaza Hotel – with a “professional escort”.  She called for help saying he was acting irrationally and throwing furniture after noticing that his wallet was missing.  She added that he’d been doing coke for days even though he’s under court order to stay off drugs and booze.  But it looks like he’s gonna skate:  The NYPD refused to verify the story, the hotel isn’t pressing charges, CBS reportedly chartered a jet to fly him back to a rehab center in LA and his PR rep blamed the whole thing on an “allergic reaction”.

Lindsay Lohan called him, “Out of control!” 

This makes David Hasselhoff lying on the floor trying to eat a hamburger look normal. 

Let me get this straight… Charlie trashes the room and the hotel doesn’t press charges, but I get attitude if I call room service and ask for a washcloth.

At this point, they should just re-name Charlie’s show, “Two and a Half Grams.

Charlie will check in at the Betty Ford Clinic and stay in the Mel Gibson Suite.  

***Any comments about Charlie latest escapade are welcome! Just hit the comment button above or post them on our Facebook page! 

Bark for a Narc!

A non-profit group called “Dogs Finding Drugs” has opened in Maryland.  For $200 an hour, they rent drug-sniffing dogs to worried parents to search their kids bedrooms for pot, heroin, cocaine, meth and certain prescription drugs.  Some drug prevention experts say parents should build trust with their teens and this is a surefire way to destroy that.  But DFD’s founder says parents are clamoring for the service.

Ironically Charlie’s father Martin Sheen hired one of these dogs to go through Charlie’s old bedroom.  One sniff and it died of an overdose.

Of course the best breed of dog for finding meth is a lab.

But Our Teachers Always Told Us It Was Made Of Cheese! 

NASA has known something for decades that most of us didn’t know until now:  The moon smells like gunpowder.  There’s no air, so you can’t smell it there, but the moon’s basalt rock that was formed by internal volcanoes smell like gunpowder when you bring it back to earth. 

Or maybe it’s just because the man in the moon is packin’ heat.   

Big deal!  We’ve all known for years that anything brought back from Mars smells like a candy bar. 

And Saturn has that “new car smell”. 

Survived By His Wife Cala-Mary 

The Oberhausen Sea Life Center in Germany announced Tuesday that Paul the Psychic Octopus has died.  He made worldwide news, and even got death threats from soccer fans, when he racked up a perfect World Cup prediction record by choosing between two food dishes to pick the winning teams.  Staffers plan to erect a permanent shrine to Paul, which might be a first for an Octopus. 

There was some good news… At the funeral they only needed one Octopus to serve as all eight pallbearers.

No word yet on weather Paul left a Last Will and Tentacle.

Sadly, his giant aquarium in now marked, “Un-Octopied”.

Note: 

Someone threw away Kwame Kilpatrick’s city-owned computer right in the middle of the Text Message Scandal back in 2008, and a federal judge is demanding to know why.

We know why!  The question is:  Who did it? 

My money is on Monica Conyers. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"Gone With the Wind?"

This shot of Gail and me was taken by my daughter Jill last Sunday at Three Cedars Farm.  The weather was, if you’ll pardon the pun, “picture perfect”.  It was one of those days you need to file away in the old memory bank for when you’re cleaning a foot of snow off your car in 10 degree weather and you ask yourself… “Why do I live in Michigan again? Oh, yeah…”  

As for today… in preparation for the storm, I moved all of the outdoor furniture into the garage and the house itself.  I plan to ride out the storm in my newly located living room hammock!

And now… on with the news!

Speaking  of the Weather…

A county in Ohio is planning an experiment this winter.  The number of snow days they are alloted - when they can cancel school - has been cut from 5 to 3 days.  So when school is snowed out this year, they’ll put lessons on line so kids will have school at home.  

Every kids nightmare!  

Now kids won’t just be praying for snow… they’ll be praying for the power in their house to go out! 

But Can You Dangle Your Participle?   

Michigan Senator Ron Jelinek is calling for Michigan’s ban on items dangling from car rearview mirrors to be scaled back.  He wants to change it to allow things like air fresheners and graduation tasels to hang there, but ban larger items that obstruct the driver’s view.  

Personally I only hang one thing from my rearview mirror; it’s a small portable TV.  That way I can see the latest traffic updates while I’m driving. 

I just hope the legislature doesn’t tag-on some amendment to ban the Crown Air Freshener I keep on the ledge by the rear window!  

He Doesn’t Need Asylum… He Needs To Be In One 

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were apprehended in Vancouver where they had fled to avoid vandalism charges here in the states for allegedly continuing to live in a house they’d already sold.  This is just the latest in a series of legal troubles such as skipping out on hotel bills and resisting arrest.  So now they’ve asked Canada for refugee status.  They claim 8 of Randy’s actor friends have been murdered in recent years, and if they return to the U.S.  their lives will be in danger from “Hollywood star whackers”.   

Randy’s safe… because fortunately he’s NOT a star!

The more I hear about Randy, the more I realize he was playing himself as “Cousin Ed” in Christmas Vacation!

I think that Randy’s weirdness stems from the fact that his brother Dennis got the good looks in the family. 

Canada said they’ll grant him refugee status only if can prove he knows how to play hockey. 

How Many Blondes Does It Take To Hold A Rally?  

Over the weekend, the International Association of Blondes held it’s first convention in Bulgaria.  Thousands of blondes came from 10 nations to attend.  The highlight was a parade of blondes in bright pink outfits accompanied by cheerleaders and a brass band, carrying a banner reading, “Let’s smile more often and be better people”.  The goal was to raise women’s status.

Which they did by encouraging all participants to wear higher heels!

The “Google Earth” shot from above the parade made it clear that most of the blonds were not real. 

THIS JUST IN:  When Fox News heard about the parade, they immediately hired half the participants to be weekend anchors.  

 R.I.P Sony Walkman 

Monday, after 31 years, Sony announced that it has ceased production of the Walkman, the first portable device that let people take music anywhere without people around them having to hear it.   

— A lot of people were saddened by the news, but not me!  My 8-track player is still working just fine thank you!

In closing, for expert advice on how to get through this stormy day, I encourage you to contact our “High Wind Expert”, Big Al.  See you tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

We’ve Been Boon-Googled!

Google has apologized for a newly revealed privacy violation.  People have already complained about being photographed and having their homes and cars exposed to criminals on “Google Street View”.  But Google admitted that the cars they use to get the “Street View” in various nations had scanners that picked up wireless networks in passing homes and recorded websites, private e-mail addresses and passwords.  After admitting they stored the info, Google apologized, claimed it was done by mistake and promised to erase the info as soon as they get the O.K. from each nation’s government.

Right… I’m sure Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has absolutely no interest in what people in his country are looking up on the Internet.

It’s not really a problem here in America since the government already has our personal information on file. 

The most interesting info to surface was that Hugo Chavez is a huge fan of DWTS!

So this now explains the vehicle that keeps driving by my house with the sign on the side that says, “Google Street View Truck”. 

But Neither Side Wants To See Brett Favre’s Private Parts 

Turns out that Democrats and Republicans differ on more than politics.  A new survey shows they don’t even like the same name brand products.  The #1 favored brand of Democrats is Google; for Republicans it’s Fox News.  The two companies didn’t even make the other party’s top 10.  Also of note:  Republicans like Aflac Insurance while Democrats prefer Progressive. 

—The Republicans like Aflac because they want to hunt down the duck, and the Dems like anything that says it’s “Progressive”.

There are a few things that both parties like, including Fed Ex, UPS, Craftsman Tools, Cheerios and the History Channel. 

— Libertarians in the survey opted for “Fruit Loops”. 

— Incumbents from both parties like “The History Channel” because, come the beginning of November, a lot of them are going to be on it.

How Many Blondes Does It Take To Hold A Rally?  

A Swiss University research team interviewed couples who’d been together for a year or two and couples who’d been married for 40 years or more.  The older couples thought they knew everything about their partner’s taste in things like food and movies, but surprisingly they scored lower than the younger couples.  Researchers theorize that as people stay together for a long time, they stop paying attention to each other and quit thinking they have to know everything their partner is thinking.  Instead, they just take it for granted that their partners’ tastes are the same as their own. 

They just figure there’s nothing left to talk about. 

For people married 40 years or more, their idea of going to the movies is watching TCM. 

After decades of marriage, women don’t have to ask their husbands what their thinking.  They just tell them and the men nod in agreement. 

 After 40 years you enter the happiest stage of marriage, know as “dementia”. 

Mouse Droppings

Being raised in a largely female environment won’t make a boy gay, but it won’t help him score chicks later in life.  At least according to a new study involving rats.  Scientists separated newborn rats into litters that were mostly male, mostly female or evenly divided.  They found that being raised with a lot of sisters didn’t change the male rats’ sexual orientation, but it did make them grow up with less butch mannerism and less masculine behaviors, and female rats were less likely to want to mate with them.

When I was growing up, my next-door-neighbor’s sister was a lot more butch than her brothers. 

Gail and I had didn’t have any sons, but with six girls in the house, our dog Panzer was a bit on the effeminate side. 

Have a great day!  We’ll see you back here Tuesday!

- Dick

"The Week That Was..."

It’s been a busy week!  Wednesday, Gail and I attended an event at “The Parade Company” - the big warehouse where they design and construct all of the Floats you’ll see in the annual Detroit Thanksgiving Day Parade down Woodward Avenue.  While I was there, I was interviewed by Channel 4’s Steve Garagiola.  (He’s the one wearing the giant foam animal head.  I’m not sure what kind of animal, exactly)  We talked about my being named the co-Grand Marshall of this year’s parade.  Just click below to watch that interview.

Then Thursday, yes THURSDAY night (I can do these things now that I retired) Gail and I, along with Big Al and his girlfriend Claudia… I mean his wife Debbie, went to see Kathleen Madigan at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle in Royal Oak.  As always, she was fabulous… confirming my belief that she is far and away the funniest comic in the country. (With the possible exception of the U.S. Congress as a whole).  Below are some pictures of us after the show.  If you want to see Kathleen - she’s in town through Saturday night - call the Comedy Castle at (248) 542-9900 or go to comedycastle.com

(Thanks so much to Carolanne McClelland for the photos!)

NOTE:  Big Al told me last night that he’s recently dropped 15 pounds… That must be why he didn’t have to wear his underpants-extender!  You be the judge! (No comments about my belly please!)

Have a great Autumn weekend and we’ll see you back here on Monday!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Where Will The People Going, Go?  

Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity” and Stephen Colbert’s “March to Keep Fear Alive” will be both be held on October 30th on the Washington Mall.  But the crowds may not be too happy when they discover that there will be no bathrooms.  It turns out the Marine Corps. Marathon is also that week and all the 800 port-a-potties have been and will continue to be locked up until their race the next day.  

Why not just use the sidewalks like they do in New York City?

President Obama should just open the White House to the public, just like Abe Lincoln used to do.   

Hey the Woodward Dream Cruise handles it with over a million people attending every year. Maybe they should just call “Scotty’s Potties”.  

***  Click below to hear Big Al playing maitre d at a bank of Scotty’s Potties at the WDC a few years ago!

Porta Potty report 

    Time For A Trip To The Office Supply Store…

After all the books, websites and even a big budget movie about the world ending in 2012 according to the Mayan calender, a new text book says there has been a mistake.  The book argues that the formula used to convert dates from the Mayan to the modern calendar was wrong.  It could be off by as much as 50 to 100 years.    

Good news!  So now we have an extra 50 to 100 years to worry about global warming!  And Islamic terrorism… And the Chinese…  etc., etc., etc.,

The “Eyes” Have It!

Matt Gone of Oregon is running out of space for tattoos on his body.  98% is already covered, even his tongue, so now he’s injecting tattoo ink into his eyeballs. Gone says, “which is about as far as you can go”.  He said, “I’m not crazy.  I’m trained.  I have a lot of experience.”

I’m not trained as a Psychiatrist, but I’m thinking this guy IS crazy!  

He was gonna go with a pair of those colored contact lenses, but he decided that was just too crazy.

More Tattoo News…

Police in Florida arrested 19-year-old Joseph Eric Williams.  He’s been stealing iPhones out of 15 AT&T stores over the past 15 months.  The cop said he was fairly easy to track down due to an identifying mark:  He has the words, “I’m Me” tattooed across his forehead.

“I’m Me”… and he should add, “I’m With Stupid”. 

Today’s Almanac

On this date in 1879 Thomas Edison successfully made the first incandescent lightbulb.  On the same day in 1992, Madonnas “Sex” book was released.

Little did Thomas Edison know that years later, his invention would allow us to peruse her book long after the sun had gone down.  

btw…

Congratulations to my daughter JoAnne who has just been promoted to the anchor position on the noon and 5p.m. Channel 7 news!  She will also continue to do her “Don’t Waste Your Money” feature!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow for our Friday Blog…

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

“Mr. C” Goes to That Great Soda Shop in the Sky and “Mrs. B” Gets the Boot…

Just two days after the death of Barbara Billingsley, aka “June Cleaver”, Tom Bosley, best know as Ritchie Cunningham’s father on “Happy Days” has died at the age of 83.  Many consider him “America’s Favorite TV Dad”, but in a 1984 TV Guide Poll of the 50 Greatest TV Fathers of all time, “Mr. C” only came in at #9.  The top spot went to Bill Cosby’s “Cliff Huxtable”.

Ralph Malph and Potsie were so mad they sent TV Guide a note telling them to “Sit on It!”

Joanie and Chachi (who have since divorced) had no comment. 

Henry Winkler, aka “The Fonz” had planned on attending the funeral, but he fell off his motorcycle and broke his hip. 

On The Other Side Of The Showbiz Sod…

Florence Henderson, known to millions as “Mrs. Brady” from the “Brady Bunch” was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.  She got her highest score of the season on Monday night’s episode, but it just wasn’t enough. 

You’d have thought all those years working with Robert Reed would have made her a better dancer! 

NOTE:  You may remember that Reed, aka “Mr. Brady” came out of the casket… I mean Closet… after his death. 

And You Thought Being Bi-Sexual Was Confusing… 

Tuesday, the California judge who ordered the military to stop enforcing the “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” ban on openly gay soldiers refused to stay her order pending an appeal.  So the Pentagon began telling recruiters to accept openly gay applicants.  However, they’re supposed to warn gay enlistees that “don’t ask/don’t tell” might be reinstated at any time.  It’s not clear what that would mean for people who were openly gay when they enlisted.  It’s so confusing that even gay rights activists are advising enlistees not to tell recruiters they’re gay because it might come back to haunt them.  

Or bite ‘em on the butt.  

This has been going on for so long I don’t even remember what it is you’re not supposed to ask, let alone what you shouldn’t tell. 

Why not just have all the gays join the Marines?  They’re always advertising that they’re “Looking for a few good men”.

I think Gay men would end up being some of the most “Decorated” soldiers in their unit!

“You May Now Kiss The Brides!”

Axhar Haidri of Pakistan was in a quandry because his family had long ago promised him in marriage to one girl, but he grew up and fell in love with another.  But he hit on the perfect solution:  he proposed to both and married them 24 hours apart.  One of the brides said they’re happy they love the same man and plan to live as sisters and friends.  Pakistani law allows men to have up to four wives, but they usually marry them over a period of years.

So the two brides love the same man and plan to live as friends… This guy is the Hugh Hefner of Pakistan.

The girls are said to be so close they’re even going to share burkas! 

If Larry King had known about this Four Wives at a time rule, he’d have moved to Karachi years ago. 

I heard he fell in love with Bride #2 after he saw her on an episode of “Pimp my Camel”. 

Good Times, Good Times!

If you’re a woman who wants a favor from a man, wait until dinnertime to ask for it.  According to a new poll, most people are aware of the regular peaks and valleys in their moods and six at night turned out to be the time when a man was most likely to go along with a woman’s wishes.  3pm is the time when a woman is most likely to win an argument with a man.  And the best time to ask your boss for a raise is at 1pm – right after lunch. 

Especially if you spent your lunch hour having sex with him. 

Of course the “best time to ask for a promotion” only applies to people who HAVE JOBS. 

So if you’re a guy, you can get a promotion at one, lose an argument with your wife at three and agree to buy new living room furniture at 6.  Which is, of course, why you need the promotion in the first place!

Apparently, as of today, there is NO good time to “ask” in the Military.

Another Reason Not To Text “On The Go” 

A man in Jiangsu, China, got his arm hopelessly stuck in a public toilet after he dropped his cell phone in the bowl and tried to retrieve it.  Rescue workers arrived at the bathroom stall to find him with his entire arm submerged up to the shoulder.  They had to break the bowl with crowbars, and hammer the pipes loose until the man could slowly extract his cut and bruised arm.  He was still gripping the phone. 

I can see the ad now… “Arm stuck in a public toilet?  There’s an App for that!”

Apple is considering coming out with a waterproof product just for this type of situation.  It’s called the “iPeed iPhone”.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1964, the Rolling Stones played their first show in Paris.  Afterwards, hundreds of fans rioted in the streets and broke windows in the theater. 

Ironically, those very same people are doing it again today… over the government’s proposed plans to raise the retirement age from 60 to 62. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

What Happened To Separation of Church & Animation?

The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano has declared Homer Simpson to be a true Catholic.  Despite the fact that Homer snores through the sermons of his Protestant minister, the paper says “The Simpsons” is one of the few shows that regularly addresses religion, and the family prays before meals and believes in the Afterlife.  The paper declared, “Few people know it, and he does everything he can to hide it, but it is true: Homer J. Simpson is a Catholic.”

Homer released a brief statement today saying that he would, quote, “agree to be a Catholic but only if the Church would switch the “Wine” with “Beer”.

Now that Homer is officially a Catholic, the Vatican is counting on him to donate a lot “Doh!”

Chile Chile Bling Bling…

 Yonni Barrios, the Chilean miner who had both a wife and mistress waiting for him when he was rescued, could make more money than he’s ever seen, thanks to his infidelity.  AshleyMadison.com, the website that helps married people arrange affairs, reportedly offered Barrios $100,000 to be their Spanish language spokesperson.  One problem: the offer is only good if he stays married.

Oh, come on, that’s just a “miner” problem.  (Sorry)

Yonni said if he does get the $100,000, the first thing he’ll do is build himself a nice “man cave”.

Yonni stay married?  What, and cheat on his mistress? 

Door-to-Door Dumbness

Residents of Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, say they were stunned last week, when a man began going around the neighborhood at 10 p.m., trying to sell marijuana and crack door-to-door.  25-year-old Eric Godbolt was arrested after one neighbor suggested that he try a particular house, which turned out to be the home of an off-duty cop. 

Eric admits it was stupid to sell pot door-to-door.  Next time he’ll sell something more respectable – like Sub-Prime Mortgages.

Until Eric was caught, he also had a very successful paper route… “Rolling” papers” that is.

One Old Man Is About To Get the Book thrown At Him!

Herbert Johnson of Stuart, Florida, has been banned from all libraries in the county because he allegedly won’t quit sexually harassing the librarians.  One librarian accused him of making unwanted advances, and another said he left her inappropriate gifts and letters, including a letter “containing sexually explicit language.”  Johnson is 92.  

Poor old Herbert.  He’s now been regulated to harassing women at Used Book stores. 

At 92, Herbert needs to find a more respectable outlet for his urges…like searching the Web for porn.

Wait To Your Father Gets Home!

The highest court in the mid-eastern nation of the United Arab Emirates has ruled that a man can beat his wife and young children, as long as it leaves no physical marks.

So now covering their women up with burkas is finally starting to make sense to me.

Something tells me that the men of the UAE are going to have a tough time living with these new, tough standards.

A Game To “Monopolize” Your Time and Your Wallet…

The Museum of American Finance on Wall Street is displaying a Monopoly game made of 18 karat gold.  The real estate properties on the board are inset with 165 gemstones.  It was created by a jeweler in 1988, when the price of gold was under $500 an ounce.  It’s now over $1300 an ounce, so the Monopoly set is valued at roughly $2 million.

Since the game is being displayed in a “Wall Street” museum, they’ve added extra “Get Out Of Jail” cards.

Not to worry, if the price of the game drops below $2 million dollars, the government will bail it out.

Maybe its time for me to get my game of “Twister” reappraised.

What Would Jesus Build?

The small town of Swiebodzin, Poland, is building the world’s biggest statue of Jesus.  It will be 108 feet (33 meters) tall.  Add in the platform He stands on and His two-meter crown of thorns, and it totals 129 feet (39 meters), dwarfing the current world record-holder, the 98-foot (30 meter) statue of Jesus in Brazil.  The official reason for building it is to show gratitude to God, but a local official said they also hope the giant Jesus will attract tourists.  He said if they’d opened a golf course or race track, tourists would just come for the season, but this should attract them year-‘round.    

You get a free round of golf if you can hit your golf ball in Jesus’ mouth.  (Note to readers:  Please, no e-mails!)

Hmmm, maybe we could draw more tourists to Detroit year-‘round if we built a golf course and racetrack around the Joe Louis Fist.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced he’s going to build an even bigger statue of Jesus…in the shape of a nuclear warhead!

CPR That’s F-U-N!

Health officials issued new guidelines for giving people CPR that reverse the old standards: they now say to work on the chest first, and then press your lips to the other person’s mouth.

Good news for us guys!  We’ve been practicing this procedure since we were able to walk upright.

The problem is teaching men when to stop working on the chest.

In related news…Big Al is happy to announce that he’s now dating a beautiful CPR test dummy.

This Day in History

On this day in 1938, Buddy Ebsen was hospitalized after being made seriously ill by his makeup in “The Wizard Of Oz.”  He was replaced by Jack Haley as the Tin Woodsman.

The good news is, Ebsen sued and made enough money to buy a mansion in Beverly Hills with a ce-ment pond.

That’s all for now.  I’m off to look for some Texas Tea, Black Gold, Oil that is!  See ya back here tomorrow!

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

“America’s Mom”, Barbara Billingsley, who played June Cleaver on “Leave to Beaver has passed away at 94.  She told TV Guide, “I think everybody would like a family like that.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you came home from school and there was Mom standing there with her little apron and cookie’s waiting?” She also denied feminist charges that June Cleaver was a doormat.  As for why June mopped the floor in pearls and high heels, Billingsley herself suggested the pearls to make her neck look better on camera, and started wearing high heels so she would still look taller than the growing Wally and the Beav.

Plus the high heels really got Eddie Haskell hot and bothered. 

What’s the big deal?  Adam Lambert vacuums in pearls and pumps all the time and nobody bats an eye. 

PERSONAL NOTE:  I nicknamed the late, great Mark Andrews, “Doctor Mark Andrews” because he knew everything there was to know about “Leave it to Beaver”.  We used to ask people to call up and ask trivia questions about the show, and he was unstumpable!  I awarded him an doctorate in “Beav-ology”… and the rest is history! 

Thursday is Kim Kardashians 30^th birthday, and she told People magazine that she has mixed feelings about it.  Kim said, “Sometimes, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning 30.’ And I’m freaking out.  Like, it sounds so old.  And then the other half of me is like, ‘I feel so accomplished…”

OMG! She is… like… soooo philosophical!

If having a big butt makes you “accomplished”, then half the people on the Jerry Springer show should get life-time achievement awards.

For That Warm, Fuzzy Feeling…

J. Crew is getting a lot of ridicule online over a new line of tights for young women.  They have a lacy, fawn pattern over a lighter backdrop.  But unless you’re close enough or have a hi-def monitor, the lacy patern is too light to detect and it just looks as if the model has really hairy legs.  J. Crew’s website describes the tights as “an essential ingredient in the season’s textural mash-up.”  

Whatever the hell that means! 

This is perfect if you want that European leg look! 

They should call it, “The Robin Williams Collection”. 

*** I think the picture below says it all!  What do you think?  

 

Not Tonight, Honey…

Friday, the US Food and Drug Administration approved Botox as a treatment for chronic migraine headaches. Sufferers can get Botox injections around the neck and head every 12 weeks to dull future headaches.  But the FDA says Botox hasn’t been shown to work on people who have headaches for less than 14 days out of the month.  

So this is good news for you lucky people who get Migraine headaches at least 14 days a month!

Have a great day and by the way, my favorite comedienne. the incredible Kathleen Madigan is at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle this Thursday thru Saturday!  (Oct. 21-23).  Go to http://www.comedycastle.com/ or call 248-542-9900 for tickets and show times!  

- Dick

"The Week That Was..."

What’s with all the local media retirements?  It’s like a train that’s running, down the tracks, out of control!  I don’t know if I started some kind of virus when I retired back in March after 45 years on the radio here in Detroit, but it seems to be “going around”.  

Erik Smith in May… after 45 years on television.

Jerry Hodak… same thing, 45 years and he handed over his Doppler in August.  

Sonny Eliot… said so long in September, after 63 years of predicting the most unpredictable weather in the country.

And now, Robbie Timmons has left Channel 7 after almost 40 years in television.  

Unbelievable.  But as they say, the only constant is change. 

*****

What a week…

America helped in the immense effort to rescue the 33 Chilean miners trapped 2000 feet underground for 69 days and something Bill O’Reilly said got two of the five women on “The View” to walk off the set!

We read in “Hello” magazine that Angelina Jolie is Hollywood’s only truly beautiful and glamorous actress working today.  That according to former “Dynasty” star, Joan Collins.  What about Lindsay Lohan?  I thought her mugshot was stunning!

Movie director James Cameron, of “Titanic” and “Avatar” fame, announced that he plans to remake the Liz Taylor/Richard Purtan, I mean Burton, epic film “Cleopatra” in 3-D — starring Angelina Jolie.  

— This will be the first version of the film where Cleopatra has a tramp-stamp.  

— Also in this remake, instead of the Romans sinking her ship, James Cameron plans to have Cleopatra’s barge hit an iceberg.  

On a side note, I’ve been watching the new season of network TV shows, and find it remarkable how many of the actors and actresses have blue eyes.  I hope this doesn’t hold back Big Al’s fledgling television career!

I’ve got a big weekend coming up…

Saturday, I’ll be preparing for Sunday’s 26.2 mile Free Press Marathon by running to and from Ann Arbor for the Michigan-Iowa game.  And on Sunday, since I’ll probably be too tired from Saturday, I’ll just do the point 2. 

Good luck to all the Michigan teams this weekend… and if you’re running in the marathon on Sunday, stay as close as you can to the guy from Kenya!

See you back here on Monday…

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

A “Chile” Reception For One Guy…

Chileans are celebrating the safe rescue of all 33 trapped miners, after they spent 69 days buried 2000 feet underground, longer than anyone else ever has, and survived.  Getting the most attention is Barrios Rojas, whose wife discovered he had a mistress when they both showed up at a vigil.  He was 23^rd out and greeted by… his mistress.  The two embraced as the cameras rolled.  Meanwhile his wife stayed home and watched it with their kids on TV.  She said, “I have a sense of decency”. 

Besides, she was too busy reading the “What To Do When He Cheats” manual by Lorena Bobbitt. 

When he came out of the hole and saw the shadow of his mistress, he went back into the hole for six more weeks. 

Hey, at least eventually, if he’s looking for a dark, out-of-the-way place to sneak off with her he knows where to go.

Not to be flip, but this guy has really dug a hole for himself.

He Should Have Just Cheated On His Taxes…

22-year-old Army soldier Greg Tracy of Georgia was caught cheating by his girlfriend.  In order to get her back, he’s agreed to complete six tasks determined by her, that prove he is worthy and has learned his lesson.  So far he’s finished five.  He’s made a timeline of the “special moments” in their relationship; called a radio station to confess on the air; given her the passwords to his email, Facebook and MySpace accounts; made a YouTube video wearing a Scooby-Doo hat and holding a sign detailing his cheating and branding himself a “dog”.  Greg says he’s learned his lesson but his girlfriend has yet to even reveal what his 6^th task will be.

How much you want to bet it involves spending some time in an abandoned mine in Chile?

At Least They Can Offer You A Cart To Help Move Your Stuff 

An investigation seems to be proving that banks and mortgage companies rushed through home foreclosures with shoddy paperwork.  Apparently some of the “foreclosure experts” hired to make decisions were actually former assembly line workers, hairstylists and ex-Walmart clerks with no experience.  They reportedly didn’t even know the meaning of such terms as lien, promissory note or affidavit, or even what a mortgage was. 

The guilty banks should have been honest and advertised with the slogan, “Trust Your Home Mortgage Nest To The Man In The Walmart Vest!”

A “Streak” of Bad Luck??? 

It was revealed that Juan Rodriguez is the guy who streaked naked in front of President Obama to collect a $1 million prize for the prank from flamboyant Internet billionaire, Alki David.  But the joke may be on him.  David changing the rules:  even thought the streak was recorded by hundreds of cameras, he won’t pay unless Obama personally verifies that he saw it.  But the White House is refusing to comment and experts say they probably never will.

Is it just me or do you feel an “Internet Billionaire and Fat Naked Guy Beer Summit” coming on? 

The President saw the guy… but it happened so fast he thought it was Joe Biden. 

Somebody Needs To Prune Their Family Tree…   

Genealogy researchers at Ancestry.com looked up some famous people’s family trees with interesting results.  Among them:  President Obama and George W. Bush are 11^th cousins and Obama is a 10^th cousin of Sarah Palin through a common ancestor from Provo, Utah, named John Smith.  Here’s the capper:  Rush Limbaugh is the President’s 10^th cousin, once removed. 

They found the Obama/Limbaugh connection on an old sheet of “Ditto” paper.

Researchers also discovered that when George W. Bush was conceived, his father hung a huge banner on his house reading, “Mission Accomplished”.

Bush and Obama are allegedly planning to spend this Thanksgiving together… Bush will get the right wing and Obama will get the left wing. 

I’ll bet President Obama would rather be related to the fat naked guy who streaked at that rally.

“Another Pleasant Valley Sunday” 

A man in Niceville, Florida was arrested after five male friends came to his house to watch a football game.  They had a few too many and wouldn’t quiet down, then attacked him when he asked them to go home.  He finally fetched his gun and fired a shot into the air to make them leave.

If this is what happens in “Niceville”, I can’t imagine what they do in nearby “Mean Town”!

So I guess all those times we saw Saddam Hussein standing on the Palace balcony shooting his gun in the air, he was just trying to get his friends to go home. 

“Our Dog Had Kibbles AND Bits!” 

A Dog Shelter in England is having a hard time finding a home for a unique bull terrier named Georgie.  Georgie was born a hermaphrodite – in other words had both male and female sex organs.  Vets operated to remove the male organs and turn him/her into a bitch.  Prospective owners seem to like her at first but are then repulsed when they learn about her condition.  The shelter is hoping to find a special person who can fall in love with Georgie and not be put off by her sexuality. 

Maybe they should implement a “Don’t Ask.  Don’t Bark” policy.

It doesn’t matter what sex she is… she’s still gonna drag her butt across the carpet. 

Talk About Budget CUTS! 

Greece’s largest government health insurance provider has announced that it will no longer pay for special footwear for diabetes patients.  Why?  They say amputating their feet is cheaper. 

This does not bode well for Greek men suffering from Erectile Dysfunction. 

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Another day… Another retirement! 

Good luck to Red Wing Kirk Maltby who announced he’s hanging up his jersey after 14 seasons in Detroit. We’ll miss him, but it’s good news for his wife – She won’t have to climb into bed with a guy with cold feet every night!

A Major Victory For the Miners!

And before we get to the lighter news of the day, it’s impossible not to mention those incredibly brave Chilean miners!  As I write this, 15 of the 33 men who have been trapped more than 2000 feet underground for 69 days have been successfully brought to the surface.  Keep your fingers crossed!

“The Sea Of People Was Angry My Friend”

An ABC News/Yahoo poll finds that as midterm election day nears, the number one word Americans pick to describe their mood is “angry”.  People across all income groups are angry about everything the government’s done, but especially the economy:  85% are mad or at least dissatisfied with that.  They don’t like Republicans but are furious with Democrats.  One North Carolina voter – a registered Democrat - said, “I’m very angry. My wife is angry.  We’re an angry household here.” 

Maybe they just plain hate each other! 

People would be leaning out of their windows yelling “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore” except they don’t have any windows because they had to move out when their house was foreclosed. 

President Obama promised to bring both sides together and he has!  EVERYONE’S mad!

You Can’t Beat These Eggs! 

The Journal Fertility reports that an unnamed woman has given birth to a baby boy from a donated embryo that had been frozen since 1990.  That’s a record 20 years on ice!  Somewhere, the baby has a sibling who was conceived at the same time but is 20 years older. 

Two words:  Jerry Springer!

The baby has ten fingers, ten toes… and just a touch of freezer burn on his nose.

I hope this kid likes hand-me-downs!

I’ll Have the “Fillet ‘O Friend” 

Robert Matsuura and Peter Lee were teammates in a college fishing championship Saturday in California when Lee attempted to cast and ended up embedding a lure in the back of Matsuura’s skull.  The lure had five hooks in all, two of which were stuck deep in Matsurra’s skin.  They were about to head to the ER when another fisherman suggested they cut the line and continue.  So Matsurra took some Tylenol for the pain and kept fishing for 10 more hours.  Their catch came in first by two ounces, and they won the $50 thousand first prize.

Tylenol is amazing!  Especially when you wash it down with a couple six-packs.

The two plan to spend the prize money on hooke… ah, helmets.   

I thought it was a really nice gesture that when the hooks were finally removed, Lee threw Matsuura back in the water.

Not Even A Bridal Shower?  

A court in Egypt has granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water.  A doctor confirmed his allergy but said that shouldn’t prevent him from other methods of maintaining hygiene. 

On the bright side, they did save a lot of money on their water bill.

Even the family camel refused to hang out with this guy.

Some Dogs are Really “Down”, Boy.   

If your dog destroys your furniture while you’re away, he might be a pessimist!  Dogs were tested by setting down food dishes and found that some assumed they had food in them and happily ran to them, while others were doubtful and held back.  Then they observed the dogs when they were left alone.  The dogs that were optimistic about food being in the dishes were fine, assuming their masters would return soon.  But the pessimist dogs that assumed the dish was empty, seemed worried and upset to be alone and were more likely to chew up the furniture. 

My former dog, Mr. Muckle, was a half-optomist/half-pessimist dog.  He didn’t eat the furniture, he just peed on it. 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…

Joan Collins complained to Hello magazine that there are no beautiful actresses anymore, and the public is “starved” for gorgeous people.  She said stars like Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly always looked glamorous, but today’s actresses think that being well groomed detracts from them being taken seriously.  The former “Dynasty” star added that today “there’s Angelina Jolie and there’s… Angelina Jolie”. 

Now I get it!  The cast of “Jersey Shore” look disgusting because they want to be taken seriously! 

They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, and when it comes to Angelina Jolie, most guys would definitely like to “hold her”.

*** Any suggestions for current actresses you think are beautiful?  Just hit the comment button above or click on the Facebook icon and post your nomination there!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1974, legendary TV host Ed Sullivan died. 

And, of course, Ed was buried in a really big shoe!

Unfortunately his casket was dropped during the funeral.  They never should have hired those Chinese Plate Spinners as pallbearers.  

Have a great day!  Back tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

But What Do You REALLY Think?  

A USA Today/Gallup Poll asked 981 Americans what word or phrase they would use to describe the federal government.  Number one were variations on the phrase “too big” including “too costly”, “out of control”, “huge”, “intrusive” and “bloated”.  Coming in second were various forms of “corrupt and evil”.  Third place went to synonyms for “confusing”. There were also several uses of the word “suck” including, “it sucks”, “they suck” and “sucky”. One person chose “constipated”.  

Coming in 4th and 5th were “#@!*$>!” and “extremely #!$@%&*!”, respectively.  

There’s A Flag On The Play!

Brett Favre has apologized to his teammates for the “distraction” caused by an NFL investigation into phone messages and photos of the Vikings Quarterback that have been circulating on the internet.  They are supposedly from Favre when he was with the Jets, propositioning then Jet’s sideline reporter and Maxim model Jenn Sterger.  The pictures he allegedly sent her are of his “second-string quarterback” (if you know what I mean). The photos haven’t been positively ID’ed, but the NY Post interviewed a masseuse who claims Favre used the same come-ons with her.  

Look for Favre to announce that he is retiring from harassing women in New York, but will then change his mind and start harassing women in another city next season.  

The NFL plans to huddle and decide what to do. 

Hey… a man can only slap a guy on the butt so many times before he starts looking for some action with the ladies.

Favre maybe forced to retire now… but he’ll probably be playing with “the old pigskin” for many years to come! 

Leggo My Ego! 

French Prime Minister Christine Lagarde risked controversy by asserting that women make better politicians than men.  She said that men’s ego, testosterone and sex drive make them prone to humiliating people and taking decisions personally, while most women in power aren’t  ruled by their libidos or egos and are better able to cut deals, communicate, and convince people to work with them.  She was diplomatic enough not to point out the time time French President Sarkozy allegedly kept Queen Elizabeth waiting while he had sex with his wife, model Carla Bruni. 

Queen Elizabeth supported the theory, saying she’s never made a political leader wait so she could have sex. Although she did admit she was late for a few appointments due to being stuck on the throne. 

Prince Charles admitted that he once kept an unidentified ambassador waiting while he had Camilla groomed and re-shoed.  

You Want Me To Pin the Tail On the What???

Jessica Webber of Oregon is suing the Markum Inn hotel for sexual harassment among other things.  She claims she was forced to quit her job after the husband and wife owners subjected her to some rather bizarre behavior.  At one point, Jessica, and her fellow female employees were asked to rate the private parts of a male stripper for an upcoming bridal shower.  But before he showed up, the male owner stripped to a throng, did lap dances, then took off the thong and danced naked in front of the group.  Jessica says she left after employees were asked to play a game of “ring toss” on him. 

NOTE:  Guys, if you’re ever a participant in this type of “ring toss” and the game last more than hours, go directly to the hospital.  

She’s just lucky she got out before they started doing the Hokey Pokey! You know… “You put your right hand in, you put you’re right hand out, you put your right hand in… and you shake it all about!”

“The Spy Who Loved Me… And Every Other Tom, Dick Or Achmed”

Good news for female Jewish spies: It’s NOT a sin to have sex on the job. In a study called “Illicit Sex for the Sake of National Security”, Israeli Rabbi Ari Schvat gave his official blessing to female spies who need to have sex as part of sting missions to trap terrorists.  He cited several Biblical precedents, including the Jewish Queen Ester who slept with the Persian King to save her people back in 500 B.C.  

LITTLE KNOWN FACT:  Afterward, Queen Ester told an aide that after the relationship was consumated, the Persian King just, “laid there like a rug”.  

In an effort to make the female Israeli spies more seductive to terrorists, the government is now teaching a class entitled:  “How to Complete a Successful Gaza Strip-Tease”.

So apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are sharing more territory than we thought. 

“Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!”

Monday was “National Coming Out Day”, when gay people are encouraged to come out of the closet. Coincidentally, it was also the day that George Michael got of prison after serving a month for driving while high.  George says he’s ready for a new beginning, and declared, “I just want to start again”.

I’ll be curious to know whether or not George ends up with a man in a yellow hat.  

It was an emotionally moment as George was released.  He kept yelling, “‘C’mon Warden!  Let me stay just one more night!”

I’ll never forget the day day Elton John came out of the closet. Of course, in his case it was a really huge walk-in closet.  

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Turns Out His Wife Was Flat and the Earth Was Round!

Happy Columbus Day!  Although Tuesday marks the actual date that Christopher “discovered” the new world, we celebrate it on Monday because lets face it, it’s more important for government employees to have a three day weekend than to be historically accurate! 

And speaking of weekends… WHAT’S UP WITH THE LIONS?  In case you missed it, they decimated the Rams 44 to 6!  Yes… you read me right!  THE LIONS WON!  BIG!  I haven’t been that surprised since the one day back in 1985 when Art Van WASN’T having the Biggest Sale in their History! 

While we’re on the topic of furniture… I don’t know if they burned any couches in East Lansing over the weekend but the Spartans were hot.  It’s rough in my house – five of my six daughters went to MSU and one, Jackie, went to U of M.  Thus every time the phone rang during the game I had to check my caller ID to know if I should sound excited or depressed! 

Don’t “Fall” For This One... 

There was a huge story floating around this weekend that this October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays – an event that reportedly would not occur again for another 823 years.  I did a little Googling and found out that it’s not true.  If you do the mathematical calculations (which I didn’t, but luckily someone else did) it turns out that the “3 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays in October Phenomenon” actually happens about every six years.  The 823-year thing only applies to Lions lop-sided victories. 

And now a few other things going on…

Appearing Before the Commander-With-No-Briefs 

President Obama spoke at a rally for Democrats in Philadelphia Sunday.  At one point during his speech a stark naked overweight man hurled a paperback book at him, narrowly missing his head.  He was quickly arrested and one police officer held a “Vote 2010” sign over the man’s privates to shield him from the crowd. 

Ironically, the book was called “How to Throw a Book and Hit the President in The Head For Dummies”. 

So basically the cop used a “Vote 2010” sign to cover the man’s hanging chad. 

Something tells me this guy is about to have the book thrown at HIM.

He was just going to throw one of his shoes, like that guy in Iraq threw at President Bush, but he wasn’t wearing any. 

What You Are About To See Is An Actual Re-Enactment…

The Atlantic magazine is claiming that Ohio Republican House Candidate Rich Iott spends his weekends dressed in a Nazi uniform.  The article raises questions about whether he’s obsessed with Nazis and what that means.  Actually, it means he plays a German soldier for a historical society that reenacts Work War II battles.  He’s also played a WW II U.S. infantryman, a WWI doughboy and a Civil War Union soldier. 

Now Democrats won’t vote for him because he played a Nazi, and Republicans won’t vote for him because he’s an actor. 

Turns out he bought the Nazi uniform on “E-Bay” from a young, freckled redheaded guy identified only as “Prince H. of England”.

Big Al spends his weekends taking part in “culinary reenactments”… He plays the Pillsbury Doughboy. 

They Did Say “I Do”! 

Sunday was a huge day for weddings.  Why?  The date.  It was 10/10/10.  32,000 couples in America chose it as their wedding day, compared to only 5000 that were married on October 10^th of 2009.  The date only comes around once a century.  The only similar dates in this century come next November on 11/11/11, then the following year on 12/12/12. 

No one will ever forget that they got married on 10/10/10… except for the grooms of course. 

10/10/10 also happens to be Kate Moss’s measurements. 

OMG!

AOL’s Stylist blog reports that Justin Beiber has inked a deal to market his own line of fingernail polishes for his ‘tween girl fans.  The colors are all named after his songs, like “Prized Possession Purple” and “Me + Blue”.  The collection is called “One Less Lonely Girl” after Beiber’s song of that name and will be in available at Wal-Mart in time for Christmas.

You’ll find it right next the “Adam Lambert Guyliner Collection”.

Leave it to Beiber to come up with such a great marketing idea!

Now you can get stretch pants, Justin Beiber nail polish, alcohol and firearms all in one place!  PARTY!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1968, the first manned Apollo mission into space, Apollo 7, was launched.  On the same date in 1975, Bill Clinton married Hillary Rodham.  

So today, we honor men who dared to go to cold, scary places where no men had gone before. 

Ironically, neither the astronauts nor Hillary ended up “going to the moon”.

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick