Go Green, Go White and Go Blue! But First, Someone Who wants to Pay the Rock Group Weezer Just To Plain Go Away!

Hi Big Al here!  Yes, the same Big Al who appeared for :14 seconds on an episode of “Detroit 1-8-7” a couple of Tuesdays ago.  But hey, it’s not about ME today!…  

By popular demand (actually, nobody demanded it, we just thought it was a good idea), and as promised, we now present an encore presentation of “Good Morning Ferndale” with our friend, the Dean of Ferndale broadcasters – Howard Binkpaltonakowski.  Several years ago Howard interviewed Eric Jordan, one of our brightest and best interns, regarding the rock group Weezer.  Well, Weezer is back in the news!

Former Weezer fan James Burns has started an online fundraiser at ThePoint.com to raise $10 million to pay the indie rockers to break up.  He claims that Weezer hasn’t made a good album since their second and he’s not going to take it anymore!  James pleads:  “I beg you, Weezer, take our money and disappear.” 

Weezer drummer Patrick Wilson said if he’ll make it $20 million, “we’ll do the deluxe breakup.”  But so far, the site’s raised only $194.  

Frankly, I think people would rather donate their money to a really worthwhile cause, like paying Lady GaGa not to make any more records.  

And why donate to this cause when the Village People are still out there singing somewhere? 

To be honest, we’re STILL WEEZER FANS!  And after this walk down Memory Lane with Howard a and his in-depth look at “Weezer”, you too will be back in the WEEZER CAMP!!!

Click below and take it away Howard…

Good Morning Ferndale and Weezer!  

THANKS HOWARD!  

And now, on to the  BIG GAME at the BIG HOUSE at 3:30 this Saturday in Ann Arbor! MICHIGAN versus MICHIGAN STATE!  And this time around there’s a lot more on the line than just some territorial pride. 

Both teams are undefeated at 5-0 and want to remain atop the Big 10 standings.  Can Kirk Cousins lead the Spartans to a third straight win over MSU’s biggest rival?  Will Wolverine’s QB Denard Robinson run through Michigan State faster than a bad burrito? Click on the fight song of your choice and get ready for some FOOTBALL!!!   (In the interest of fairness, I flipped a coin to see which fight song would be listed first.  I gave the Wolverines “heads”.  And the coin flip winner was…

Click for:

“Hail to the Victors”

Click for:

“Michigan State Fight Song”

ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DAY AND HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND NO MATTER WHAT SIDE OF THE FOOTBALL AISLE YOU’RE ON!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

On Location! On Location! On Location!

Freep.com is reporting that movie stars who come to Detroit to shoot films are looking for cushy homes to stay in and some extra perks. For example, Demi Moore insisted on a place suitable to walk her dog, Hugh Jackman rented a 7 thousand sq. foot home in Franklin, while Richard Gere opted for a downtown condo. 

Justin Bieber’s only request was that his house came with bunk beds and a swingset in the backyard.

Lindsay Lohan wanted something right on the border with Canada so she could get cheaper prescription drugs.

After his appearance on “Detroit 1-8-7”, Big Al has requested a house next to Demi Moore and a pair of binoculars. 

Finally, An Answer To The Riddle… 

Former Monica Conyers aid Sam Riddle was sentenced to 37 months in prison Wednesday for his role in a public corruption scandal.  Monica is currently serving a 37-month sentence for accepting bribes in exchange for her vote in that sludge-hauling deal. 

As a matter of fact, there’s a good chance Monica is hauling sludge around “the yard” even as we speak. 

To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Sam always struck me as, “a Riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”. 

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! 

Veep Joe Biden raised eyebrows at a fundraiser in Minnesota when he said that if one more Republican tells him about balancing the budget, “I am going to strangle them.”  He quickly added, “To the press, that’s a figure of speech”.

President Obama said if Biden says one more stupid thing, “I am going to strangle him”.  He quickly added, “To the press, that IS NOT a figure of speech.”

Speaking of the Vice Presidency…

Rumors are swirling that President Obama may switch Joe Biden to Secretary of State and make Hillary Clinton his running mate in 2012.  The White House has denied it. 

— But Hillary didn’t say anything about making Obama HER Vice-Presidential running mate in 2012. 

Of course, if Obama chooses not to run again, Hillary could run for Commander-in-Chief and make Bill her vice presidential pick… making him the “First Lad”. 

— Bill has good experience in that area, because he’s been a lot of women’s “Firsts”. 

R.I.P. C.H.I.M.P 

Charlie the Smoking Chimp has died at a zoo in South Africa.  Visitors used to toss cigarettes into his cage and he became world famous for smoking them.  Zookeepers tried to keep him from lighting up, but Charlie learned to hide the smokes. 

People would flick cigarettes to him… and Charlie would flip “something else” back at them. 

He’d collect enough for a pack, then roll them up in the hair on his upper arm. 

Charlie once passed one of his lit cigarettes to a baboon in an adjoining cage.  The baboon accidentally sat on it, which finally explains the whole red-butt thing.

His cemetery headstone reads:  “This Monkey Would Have Walked a Mile For a Camel”. 

Bottoms Up! 

A new study found that light drinking during pregnancy did no harm to babies in the long run.  Researchers followed children up to age five and found that those whose moms had one or two drinks a week during their pregnancy, showed no behavioral or intellectual difficulties. 

I guess some mom’s figure since that’s how they got that way, they might as well have a drink or two through the rest of the process. 

But by the third trimester, beer goes from “Tastes Great.  Less Filling”, to “Tastes Great.  More Filling.”

I can see the advertising campaign now… “Breast Feed Your Babies.  Bottle Feed Yourself”.    

A Variety Show-Down 

Donny Osmond’s former manager – the one who rejuvenated his career by getting him a show in Las Vegas – is threatening to write a tell-all book about him.  He claims Donny ripped him off financially and isn’t the nice guy that he’s portrayed himself as. 

I don’t about you, but I’ll be first in line for that book! 

The lawyer for the former manager plans to claim that Donny is, “A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n roll and a little bit crooked”. 

Have a great day… and here’s a heads up:  Remember the bit we did on the air where Howard Binkpaltonakowski interviewed our then-intern about the band Weezer?  Well, Weezer is back in the headlines and we’ll have the audio of that bit right here tomorrow!  Stay tuned!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Trump on the Stump? 

An unidentified pollster took a survey in New Hampshire last week on Donald Trump’s chances of being elected President.  Trump says he didn’t pay for it, but “I hear the results are amazing,” and he’s seriously considering running as a Republican in 2012.  Trump told Fox News that what’s happening in America “is a disgrace,” and China will easily overtake us within 10 years if we don’t have a President who understands business.

And has a really great comb-over.

If Trump is elected, his Vice President will be known as “The Apprentice”.

And he’ll have the Constitution changed so our leader won’t be called the President, he’ll be called “The Donald”.

Click It For Your Ticket!

A lot of people keep pushing the idea of voting via the Internet, but security questions are raising concerns.  Last week the D.C. Board of Elections and Ethics tried a weeklong test of a “secure voting website” and challenged hackers to “give it your best shot.”  By mid-day Friday the site was shut down after hackers broke into it and made it play Michigan’s “Hail to the Victors” every time a vote was cast.

They were going to use the Ohio State Fight Song but they realized no one in Ohio is smart enough to vote on-line. 

I think we should vote on Facebook.  You just click on the “like” button for your favorite candidate and “de-friend” his or her opponent.

Ashton Kutcher thinks we should vote via Twitter.  (Apparently he has had problems in the past with his hanging chad). 

Speaking of Demi’s Boy-Toy

The above-mentioned Ashton Kutcher allegedly wants to bring back “Punk’d” – his hidden camera practical TV show – but with a twist.  New York Magazine claims he wants teen-heart throb Justin Beiber to be the host. 

Which is gonna send the all important 7-12 year old girl ratings demo through the roof!

Justin is a big fan of practical jokes… like the one his barber keeps playing on him. 

Elton John Spotted in Illinois?  

Dayanara Fernandez is suing a Hyatt Hotel in Deerfield, Illinois.  She returned to her room one night last July to find a hotel worker wearing her skirt, underwear, and high heels.  The man pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was fined $187 bucks.  Fernandez wants unspecified damages for, among other things, invasion of privacy and emotional distress. 

She should have clued in when, instead of a Bible, she found a copy of “Thong & Dance Man Quarterly” in her nightstand.

The emotional distress part came when she realized he looked way better in her push-up bra than she did.

The brochure did say that every room came with a spacious closet and a cross-dresser.

The hotel has changed it’s slogan to “We’ll Leave A Guy Who’s Light-In-His-Loafers On For You”.

The British Are Coming! 

A survey of women in Britain found that married women over 40 have the best sex.  The results showed that 81% of women in the 40+ group are more sexually adventurous than they were in their 20’s, 63% are more confident in bed, and 60% said they’ve had more sex since their kids moved out.

And 100% said they’ve had more sex since they’re husbands moved out.

Apparently, it’s amazing what NOT worrying about getting pregnant can do to your libido. 

I guess I was wrong. I always thought “Menopause” meant a “Pause in Men”.

Have a great Wednesday!  Enjoy the weather and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Follow the Bouncing Check!

Our own Congressman John Conyers had his drivers license suspended for almost a month this summer after a $139 check he used to to renew his license plates bounced.

Bail money for the Missus???

It’s not his fault really, he didn’t know that Monica had cleaned out his checking account to buy cigarettes and Ho-Ho’s from the prison commissary. 

I Don’t Want To See THAT on Mt. Rushmore…

The Naked Cowboy, the NY Times Square street performer who plays guitar and sings wearing only a cowboy hat, boots, and briefs, is running for President.  He says, “America needs a President who believes in America and will stand up for America and protect its language, its borders and most importantly, its culture”.

And when he promises “transparency” in his administration, you can believe it! 

If a certain Senator named Barbara from California runs for President we’ll have “Boxer vs. Briefs”.

This isn’t the first time we could end up with a President running around the oval office in his underwear.  Does the name Bill Clinton ring a bell? 

UPDATE:

Grumpy the Clown, the allegedly illiterate circus clown who was running for Brazil’s Parliament on the slogan “It can’t get any worse,” was not only elected, he got more votes than any other candidate in the nation. 

I can’t wait to see the secret service walking along side his tiny bulletproof limousine. 

After hearing this story our Bozo the Clown announced that he’s a write-in candidate for Michigan governor.  He believes that, “it can’t get any worse” and B-O-Z-O is easy to spell.

Girls Rule! 

Monday, the Supreme Court reconvened with three women on the bench for the first time in history.  But because new Justice Elena Kagan argued for the government on so many cases as Solicitor General, she immediately recused herself from 25 of the 51 cases and will hardly be coming in to work at all this week.

Which will give the other two women plenty of time to gossip about her hairstyle and choice of shoes. 

It’s a good thing all three of the female justices have gone through menopause or there would be one week a month where they’d automatically sync up their opinions.

Clarence Thomas was so excited to have another woman on the court, he couldn’t stop banging his gavel.

Sex & The Country 

The Journal of Sexual Medicine released a huge study of the sex habits of Americans age 14 to 94, and they’re less prudish than expected.  Among the more interesting findings:  15% of men aged 50 to 59 said they had had a sexual encounter with a man, but only 8 percent of men identify themselves as gay. 

— So basically Richard Simmons is honest, and Senator Larry Craig is lying through his teeth.

As for the “Big O”, 85% of men said their wife or girlfriend had had one, only 64% of women agreed.     

— So why are they’re so few good roles for women in Hollywood?  They’re obviously GREAT actresses. 

— Maybe the men were confused… they thought when a woman had the “Big O” it meant she watched Oprah.

Bobbing For Costumes

Halloween is just around the corner and a new list is out with this year’s top themes in adult costumes.  Witches and vampires still top the list, but characters from movies like “Alice In Wonderland” and Toy Story 3” are also big.  Basically, men want to be funny or scary and women want to be sexy. 

If you want your wife to laugh, dress up like Woody or Buzz Lightyear and promise to take her “To Infinity and Beyond”.

I’m planning on going as something rather controversial this year.  I’m wearing a giant Halloween Mosque. 

Lady Gaga has a costume planned that’s both scary and funny.  She’s going as herself.

So far sales of the Nancy Pelosi costume have been a big bust.

Necessity Is The Father of Invention

Monday, the Nobel Prize for Medicine was awarded to Robert Edwards, the man who pioneered in vitro fertilization.

He says he came up with the idea on one of the many Friday nights when he couldn’t get a date.

Have a great day!  See you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

The Show Must Go On…

If I sound kind of hoarse as you’re reading this, it’s because (da-da-da) my cold has gotten worse and turned into bronchitis. I just got back from the doctor who put me on antibiotics and ordered me to take it easy.  (Okay I added that part to get out of cleaning the garage).  I did have to cancel a trip up north to visit friends and see the fall foliage.  Instead, I’ll just stare at the trees in my backyard and wait for them to change color.  

And Now On With The News…

CBS Radio News correspondent Richard Arenstein and his wife have been arrested on charges of possession and intent to distribute marijuana.  After receiving complaints from neighbors, police arrived at their Washington D.C. home to find an 8 ft. tall cannabis plant, plus packaged pot inside. 

It just shows you that radio guys will do anything to get “higher” ratings.

An 8 foot pot plant?  And to think I couldn’t get one lousy tomato from my As Seen On TV “Topsy Turvey”.

No Ifs or Ands But One Butt

When Raymond Roberts was pulled over in Florida last week, they noticed a strong smell of marijuana in his car.  During a body search, the cops found not one, but two soft objects… well… where the sun don’t shine.  One was a bag of pot, the other a bag containing 27 rocks of crack cocaine.  He copped to the pot, but claimed the crack belonged to a friend. 

He’s claiming his “friend” is a proctologist. 

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Butt Crack”.

The guys in prison are gonna be thrilled to hear the answer when they ask, “What are you in for?”

In an ironic twist, the story was reported by CBS News correspondent, Richard Arenstein. 

And the Grammy Goes To… 

65-year-old Elsie O’Conner of Florida was pulled over for driving erratically.  The cop said he smelled alcohol on her breath and saw two partially empty bottles of vodka on the front seat.  She failed a sobriety but said to the cop, “Come on now, I’m a grandma, can’t you do something for me since I’m not that bad?”  She then offered to take him home and make him a grilled cheese sandwich.  It didn’t work.  She was charged with DUI. 

It would have worked too if only the cop hadn’t been lactose intolerant! 

She claimed she was depressed and drinking because she had just come from an End of Life Seminar.

A Club They’re Dye-ing to Join! 

A Lithuanian company called “Ooh-la-la” is creating a vacation resort in the Maldives Islands run entirely by blondes.  Critics of the company accuse them of hypocrisy for saying they’re fighting the image of “blonde bimbos” but are actually selling sexiness and are accused of racism – or “hairism” against brunettes, redheads and gray hairs.  The company claims that applicants of all hair colors are welcome, but “once they are surrounded by all these beautiful blondes… eventually they end up going blonde, too.”

It’s gonna take the entire staff just to change one light bulb.

One of the resort workers, a “Miss Clairol” says she thinks critics are just splitting hairs.

If they lose their jobs at the resort, they can always audition for Fox News. 

Cinemax has already planned a mini-series based on the resort.  It’s called “Roots II”.

I Find That A Little Hard To Swallow 

California plastic surgeon Dr. Nicolas Chugay is offering a new weight loss device he call the Miracle Patch.  It’s much cheaper and less invasive than gastric bypass surgery.  It’s just a patch that attaches surgically to the tongue that makes eating solid food difficult and painful.  Thus the patient eats less. 

He was going to have his patients give testimonials on his TV commercials, but no one could understand what they were saying.

If something attached to your tongue limits eating, how come there are so many overweight people on Jerry Springer with pierced tongues?

Come On Over To My Space… 

 “The Social Network”, the movie about the birth of Facebook topped the box office this weekend, taking in $24 million. 

I didn’t have time to see it… I was too busy commenting on the “What do you think of the movie “The Social Network” page on Facebook.

Almost  everyone who saw the movie went to the theater alone because they don’t have any real friends.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1535, the first complete English translation of the Bible was printed in Zurich, Switzerland. 

And for years afterwards, Swiss cheese makers accidentally referred to it as “The Wholly Book”.

Have a great day… I’m going to gargle warm salt water and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"Nobody NOSE The Trouble I've Seen..."

So here it is.  October 1^st.  And I’ve got my first cold of the season.  It’s not a bad cold, just the kind where you’re a little stuffed up, an occasional little cough, and you’re head and throat have kind of a burning sensation.  I thought I was handling the whole thing pretty well, until a couple of my daughters dropped by yesterday.  I was hunkered down in my favorite chair wearing a sweater watching a Lion eat a Wildebeest on the Animal Planet Channel. 

“Are you sick, Dad?” Jackie asked. 

“He’s got a cold,” my wife Gail said with a wink to my daughters. 

“Oh, you poor thing!” Jessica chimed in. 

I couldn’t help but notice a tinge of humor in her voice. 

“What?” I said.  “What’s so funny?”

“You are.” Gail, Jackie and Jessica said in unison.  “You have a look on your face like your dying.” And that’s when it hit me:   I don’t mean to generalize, but apparently from the stories the girls starting telling about their husbands (and things we’ve all heard for years) men don’t handle minor illnesses as well as women do.  

Case in point:  Gail was literally on the verge on pneumonia a few weeks ago and still managed to keep the house running.  She took her antibiotics and a few naps, but other than that, she forged ahead.  Even with a fever, she did the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, remembered to send out a few birthday cards, kept up with the kids, talked with a woman who had just been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, went through the mail, and ordered flowers for her sister’s wedding anniversary. 

Now flash forward to yesterday:  I’m stuffed up and basically down for the count. 

I decided to call Big Al for a little male-moral support.  The conversation went approximately as follows:

ME:  Hey, Al.  It’s Dick.

BIG AL:  You sound stuffed up.

ME:  I’ve got a cold.

BIG AL:  Oh, man.  What a bummer! I got a cold last spring and it was awful.  I was a mess.  I felt like my head was going to explode.

ME:  You got a pretty good size melon, as it is old buddy!

BIG AL:  Yeah, I know.  People could almost see it on the long shot of me on “Detroit 1-8-7”.  You did watch the show, right? 

ME:  Al, c’mon!  This is Dick.  Your buddy.  Of course I watched the show. 

BIG AL: Whadya think?

ME:  Michael Imperioli is pretty good in that role.

BIG AL:  No… I meant, what about me?

ME:  Oooooh… Sorry to say this, Al, but I sneezed just as you were delivering your big line.

BIG AL:  So you missed my entire performance?

ME:  Well not your entire performance.  I did hear you say something, but I couldn’t make out what it was.  Look, I’d better go.  All this talking is starting to irritate my throat.

BIG AL:  Is your throat sore?

ME:  Not really… YET. 

BIG AL:  Well make sure you suck on some lozenges just in case.  And if you feel up to it, take a really long hot shower.  The steam will help clear your nose.  But the heat can make you kind of weak so be careful.

ME: I will. 

BIG AL:  Do you need me to bring you anything?  Soup?  Some magazines?

ME: No, I’ve got magazines and it’s hard to eat soup when you’re lying on the couch. 

BIG AL:  Sometimes I sit up for a few minutes to eat the soup.

ME:  Or maybe I could just use a straw. 

BIG AL:  Great idea! I never thought of that.  The important thing is that you should just take it easy and ride this thing out.

ME:  Will do.

BIG AL:  I won’t call you in case you’re sleeping.  But if you’re up to it, call me later and give me an update.

ME:  You got it.  Thanks. (CLICK)

Finally!  Someone who understood! 

I realize two things are going on right now: 

#1 – If you’re a woman, you’re thinking I’m a wimp.

#2 – If you’re a man you totally understand what I’m going through. 

We men are good at lot things including lifting heavy stuff and going to the bathroom standing up.  But when it comes to minor ailments, we’re just plain different than women.  Maybe it’s the whole giving-birth thing (let’s face it… that’s slightly more painful than the getting-your-wife-pregnant thing).

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you back here Monday morning!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

R.I.P. Tony Curtis

He died of cardiac arrest at his home in Las Vegas at the age of 85. He was married to Janet Leigh, of “Psycho” fame, and Jamie Leigh Curtis is their daughter.  Tony, Jack Lemmon and Marilyn Monroe starred in “Some Like It Hot” - which was cited by The American Film Institute as the funniest film ever made. The line he is best known for, which he took a lot of grief over, was taken from a Medieval-set movie done early in his career called “The Prince Who Was a Thief”.  The line was:  “Yonder lies the castle of my fodder”, which Tony delivered in his natural Bronx accent. 

It’s Rhyme Time!

Researcher Albert Jack has written a book called “Pop Goes The Weasel” that reveals the forgotten origins of nursery rhymes.  For instance, “Humpty Dumpty” was the name of King Charles I’s biggest cannon that was finally blown off a wall during battle, and “Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub” was inspired by a carnival peep show.  It wasn’t a gay sex show; it was originally “Three maids in a tub” but the Victorians sanitized it by making them a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker. 

Before the show they used to announce, “If you experience a candlestick lasting longer than four hours, go immediately to the town blood-letter”. 

“Three Blind Mice” – originally titled “Twelve Blind Mice” was based on the jury in the O.J. Simpson trial.

Don’t even ask about “Wee Willie Winkie”.

McFabulous News!

A New York photographer tried to prove that McDonald’s Happy Meals are full of preservatives by leaving one on a shelf and photographing it every three days.  Over 18 weeks later, the burger and fries looked the same as they did on day one.  But scientists say that doesn’t mean it’s full of preservatives.  They say it’s just over 50% fat, which is low in moisture and prevents the food from growing mold and decaying. 

Which is great news for all you mom’s with minivans… If you’re hungry, just pick up that month-old fry on the floor of the backseat and enjoy!

So now parents can feel good about going to Mickey D’s!  You’re not filling your kids with preservatives, you’re just simply setting them on the road to obesity! 

NOTE:  This story reminded me of a YouTube video I saw a while back that takes place in a fast food burger place.  Just click and enjoy! 

CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO!  

Oh, Canada!

A judge in Ontario just struck down all of Canada’s laws against prostitution.  The case was brought by several ladies of the evening and a dominatrix who argued that bans on “pay for play” sex force women to work the streets exposing them to robbery and assault. The female judge agreed, although her ruling was suspended for 30 days while a Superior Court reviews the case.  One of the hookers has a celebration planned; She said, “I’m going to spank some ass”. 

THIS JUST IN:  Charlie Sheen has decided to move to Canada and re-name his TV show “Two and a Half Women”. 

If this works like Canada’s health care system, you can hire a hooker, but it will take her 6 months to show up. 

He’s Great At Tooting His Own Horn! 

One of Brazil’s most popular clowns, Francisco Silva, aka “Grumpy the Clown” is running for Parliament. His slogan is “It Can’t Be Worse Than It Is Now” – and amazingly he’s leading in the polls.  His opponents are trying to have him disqualified because he can’t read or write.

Hey… none of our Congressmen read the Health Care Bill and they’re still in office!

On the bright side, if elected he’ll save taxpayers a lot of money.  The entire parliament can ride to work with him in his tiny car.

He’s great at shaking hands, kissing babies, and pulling a really, really, long string of colored hankerchiefs out of his sleeve.

People with big red noses are nothing new in politics.  Remember Ted Kennedy?

A Job That’s To Die For!

Politico.com reports that in both Houses of Congress, it’s a long-standing practice to give a year’s salary to any member who dies.  That means that next year, Sen. Robert Byrd’s kids and grandkids will split the $193,400 he would have been paid if he hadn’t died in office at 92.

So we keep paying a deceased senator his full salary for doing nothing?  Isn’t that what we do with the LIVING senators???

You have to hand it to these men and women; they not only rig it so they’re impossible to vote out… we have to keep paying them after they die.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1955, James Dean died in a car crash while driving his Porsche at 85 mph just two hours after getting a speeding ticket. 

On the bright side, he didn’t have to pay the fine! 

Have a great day… drive safely… and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow, the 1st day of October!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Well last night was the big night… For those of you who didn’t catch Big Al on “Detroit 1-8-7” – he was great.  All four lines and 6 seconds of him.  And the best part of all… (SPOILER ALERT:  If you DVR’ed the show and haven’t watched it yet don’t read the next sentence.)  Big Al was NOT the killer.  Nor did he get killed.  Small part.  Great performance.  (But Al’s always been used to small parts).   

I talked to Big Al this morning, (he actually took my call!) and although he hasn’t been offered any other roles yet, he has been contacted by a local Polish Wedding Band who wants to hire him as a sub for when their regular leader has to bow out from eating too many perogis.

Of course there was other big news on the tube…

Michael Bolton got booted from DWTS last night after receiving the lowest score of any celebrity in the show’s history:  12 out of a possible 30.  He began his dance by crawling out of a doghouse. 

The doghouse was actually loaned to the show by Tiger Wood’s ex-wife Elin Nordegrin. 

Michael should release a new song, “When a Man Loves a Woman… He Really Should Learn How To Dance”. 

More Fun Than The Three-Legged Race! 

Sunday, in Sydney, Australia, a four women team won 10 grand and broke the world record for running the fastest relay race in stiletto heals.  Guinness confirmed that “The Pinkettes” ran the 263-foot course in one minute, 4 seconds while wearing three-inch heels.  The event drew about 100 competitors, including some men.

The male team consisting of Elton John, Adam Lambert and George Michael would have won, but George fell asleep halfway through the race. 

The only time I’ve ever seen a woman run that fast in high heels is when a “Half-Off” everything sale is announced over the loudspeaker at DSW.

Draft Dodgers

There’s a new version of the “Snuggi” that’s selling like hotcakes in England.  It’s an all in one fleece body suit with elastic at the wrist and ankles.  It’s marketed as being “more stylish than a tracksuit and more comfortable than a bathrobe.” Its creator is astonished at how well it’s selling.

Well, the Queen gets cold in those drafty old castles.

Prince Charles ordered two to keep the family jewels warm! 

Genesis… That’s the Book About Phil Collins, Right?   

A pew quiz of Americans found that religious people know less about religion than atheists do.  For instance, 45% of Catholics didn’t know that the church teaches that Communion wine and wafers actually become the flesh and blood of Christ and are not just a symbol.  And over half of Protestants couldn’t identify Martin Luther as the leader of the Protestant Reformation. 

Almost everyone surveyed thought Martin Luther is the real name of rapper L.L. Cool J.

Most surprising was the fact that 37% of Americans thought Jesus had only 4 disciples:  John, Paul, George and Ringo.

If Your Election Lasts For More Than Four Hours…

The Republican’s strongest campaign issue this November is that if Democrats retain control of Congress, unpopular liberal Nancy Pelosi will remain Speaker.  She’s become so toxic that even some Democrats are promising voters that if elected, they’ll oppose her reelection. 

Pelosi showed no emotion when she heard the news.  Then again, she’s had so much work done, she CAN’T show ANY emotion.

Meanwhile, the Speaker is forging ahead… promoting a “Bo-Tox and Spend” agenda. 

History Repeats Itself 

Monday in Miami, historians reenacted the trial of mobster Al Capone that took place there 80 years ago.  Actors playing the District Attorney and Capone himself quoted the exact words spoken back in 1930.  And guess what?  The mock jury acquitted Capone just like the real one did. 

It probably didn’t help that they used former O.J. Simpson jurors and had Judge Ito play the Judge.

It wasn’t the sharpest mock jury… when polled, they all said they thought the idea of  “Double Jeopardy” was invented by Alex Trebek. 

Of course the real Al Capone eventually ended up in prison on tax fraud charges.  If only he’d called Sam Bernstein’s Great, Great Grandfather! 

Today’s Almanac…

On this day in 1990, “Millie’s Book”, ghostwritten by then First Lady Barbara Bush became the first book by a dog ever to hit the bestseller list. 

Unless you count Rosie O’Donnell’s memoir.

You’d have thought Snoopy would have been first… he spent enough time with his typewriter.

Have a great second-to-last-day of September and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

FINALLY! BIG AL ON "DETROIT 1-8-7" TONIGHT! 10 P.M. ON ABC!

Hi, Big Al here, “star” of the new ABC police drama “Detroit 1-8-7”.  I make my network television debut tonight at 10 p.m. on Channel 7 as…POLKA BAND LEADER!  (Set your DVR and don’t blink)  Many thanks to my Detroit media colleagues for the extensive coverage about my “break out” performance.  (See links below for all the buzz in the local media)  Over the last two days I’ve actually made bigger headlines than Lindsay Lohan!  Speaking of “big”, I promise that my new career won’t make me “big headed”, but after you see the size of my head in the picture that ran in the Freep article, you might think twice.  And I thought TV added ten lbs. on a person!  I also want you to know that I finally launched my own Facebook Fan Page to keep you up to date on my burgeoning career.  (I actually used the word “burgeoning” on my own; I didn’t have to use a thesaurus)  Just go onto Facebook and type in “Big Al Muskavito”.  

Finally, the overwhelming coverage of my appearance on “Detroit 1-8-7” brings to mind the famous Winston Churchill wartime quote, when he said: “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”.  However, in the case of my role on tonight’s “1-8-7” allow me to paraphrase Mr. Churchill by saying:  “Never has so much been made over something so little”.  THANKS EVERYONE!  

P.S. Don’t miss the messages below the links for some very important community causes…

CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:

Dick Purtan’s (Big) Al does ‘Detroit 1-8-7’  (By the Free Press’ B.J. Hammerstein)

Big Al in Detroit News  (By Susan Whitall)  *You’ll need to scroll down a bit once you get to the linked page)

Big Al on Frank Beckman Show WJR  (Give it several seconds to load)

Big Al in Detroit 1-8-7 Commercial  (Click on the video clip entitled: “The Best Network Cop Show”

IMPORTANT REMINDERS!

HURRY!!!…With your vote the Salvation Army could receive a $250,000 GRANT from Pepsi to feed and shelter Detroit’s needy! No donation needed, VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT BUT ONLY THROUGH THIS THURSDAY!  at http://www.refresheverything.com/salmich.

Thursday, October 14^th, I’ll be providing a “little” entertainment at a “BIG” gala and Joanne Purtan is the  Mistress of Ceremonies!  It’s all in support of the “Information Center” in Taylor, an incredible non profit organization that helps job seekers, seniors, the disabled, caregivers, and a whole lot more.  For more info and tickets call 734-282-7171.  (By the way…Our very own Rebekah Rhodes will be there.  She handles the “Centers” publicity.  And another WOMC Alum, Ron T., will be in the crowd, too!)

THANKS AGAIN AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!…”BIG AL”

This Weekend's Big Radio Reunion Recap!

Saturday night was the 4th and allegedly last Motor City Radio Reunion.  The event, staged by Art Vuolo, Murray Gula, and Jo-Jo Shutty-MacGregor was a complete sell-out.  The ballroom at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Novi was packed with familiar faces (and voices) from the hallowed studio walls of Detroit radio days gone by.  

Over the course of the night, five Detroit broadcasters were honored - Sonny Eliot, Robin Seymour, Specs Howard, Ernie Harwell and myself.  WWJ, the first radio station in the country, received an award on this, it’s 90th year on the air.  

Now for a few of the intimate details…

I not only was honored to be “honored” if you will, but I served as the Master of Ceremonies for the evening.  At our family table, which included my wife Gail, and my daughters Jennifer, Jackie and JoAnne, we ended up with a few extra seats.  (Apparently my other three daughters whom I won’t name (Jill, Jessica and Julie) didn’t want to shell out the money.  

The recently retired Sonny was in rare form… and his comments at the table were worth the price of admission.  Especially when he started heckling the comic, Kevin McPeak.  While Kevin was trying to do his act, Sonny repeatedly shouted out comments, and McPeak retorted with some great lines.  At one point, Kevin said, “I’ve never been heckled by a ninety year old man with brown hair before.”  

In fact, one of my lines from the podium was, “There’s more dye in this room than at a hair-dressers convention.”  

Here’s a sampling of some of my comments as Emcee as the evening rolled along…

- We weren’t going to have the reunion this year, but we didn’t realize so many people were still alive. 
 
- The committee wanted the event to be held between 4 and 6pm to get the early bird discount, but the under 50 crowd voted against it.  But really… is there anyone here under 50?  

- Every attendee tonight gets a special door prize — a plastic case to hold your pills in,  labeled Saturday through Sunday. 

- I am priviledged to announce that Mayor Dave Bing has announced a controversial plan to tear down most of Detroit and replace it with a giant Mosque.   

- I apologize for the late start tonght…  but someone set off the botox detector. 

- Art Cervi, our own “Bozo the Clown” is here and I’m revealing a little known secret:  Due to problems with his Bozo costume, he occasionally had to borrow Bill Bond’s red nose. 
 
- Speaking about Bozo…  A new book is out about Larry Harmon, the original Bozo, and the man who franchised over 300 Bozo’s around the country -including ours.  The book claims that Bozo had woman after woman coming out of a really small car.  So forget the shoes, apparently our Bozo has some really big pants to fill.  But Art never fooled around with women… instead of taking a cold shower to simmer down, Art just used to spray water on himself from that little flower he wore on the collar of his Bozo suit.  

- Randall Carlisle, “lady killer” former CKLW newsman and current TV anchorman out west has been on so many blind dates he should get a free dog.” 

- Russ Gibb is here, the man who started the infamous world-wide rumor that if you played a certain Beatles’ cut backward, you heard the words, “Paul is Dead”.  To show you how pathetic things have become these days, if you play a certain CD backwards now, it says, “Danny Bonaduce is Dead”.  

- Jimmy Launce formerly of WJR is here… famous for his signature radio game, “Guess What I’m Holding In My Hand?” - an idea he borrowed from Pee Wee Herman.  

- Tom Ryan joins us tonight.  His wife Joan needed a kidney transplant eight or nine years ago and after testing everyone in her family it turned out that Tom was a perfect match. Joan’s doing great but three years ago Tom had both knees replaced.  And that was from kneeling down, begging the doctor not to tell Joan that he was the perfect donor.   

- Sonny Eliot has a similar story.  A few years back he got a kidney transplant from a bedwetter.” 

There were many more lines that I used in my 45 minutes on stage, but I don’t want to bore you, and besides, I need all the material I can get for my book!  

Check back later today for photos from the big event!

- Dick

It's a Motor City Radio Reunion Weekend!

This is a big weekend for me… I’m going to be the Master of Ceremonies at the Motor City Radio Reunion Saturday night.  Between 300 and 400 people will be in attendance, both local and from around the country, all of whom worked on Detroit Radio at one time or another over the years. Exactly who will be there?  Here’s just a sample…

From the legendary Keener 13:

Robin Seymore

Paul Cannon 

Gary Stevens

Bob Green

Russ Gibb (the man who started the infamous “Paul is Dead” rumor!)

Jerry Goodwin

From WXYZ Radio…

Lee Alan

Joey Reynolds

Tom Ryan 

From CKLW - The Big 8! 

Gary Burbank 

Randall Carlisle

Big Jim Edwards

Keith Radford

Pat Holiday

Bill Gable 

Charlie O’Brien

From WJR…

Jimmy Launce

From Sirius XM…

Pat St. John and Phlash Phelps

And oh, yes, they’ll be a special appearance by Art Cervi, aka Bozo T. Clown, who will make inappropriate balloon animals for the crowd.  

Five retired broadcasters will be honored during the evening:  Sonny Eliot, Specs Howard, Robin Seymore, Yours Truly, and the late Ernie Harwell. Ernie, plus other Detroit broadcasters who have passed on will be commemorated as well.  

I received this letter on Thursday and will read it to kick off the event: 

“Best wishes and welcome to all participants in the 2010 Motor City Broadcast Reunion.  The history of radio in our country could not have been fully recorded without the outstanding contributions of the men and women who advanced this crucial medium in metro-Detroit over the past 90 years.  I send all of you my best wishes for a happy and rewarding evening, and extend my congratulations on Detroit’s key role in establishing and energizing our national communications industry.

Wishing I could be there with you…”

Kwame Kilpatrick 

Federal Convict 379674 Cell 218 - Lower Bunk

Have a great weekend!  On Monday’s blog, I’ll have highlights from the event!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

First Full Day of Autumn…

This is a story as reported word for word by the Associated Press: 

Headline:  Man’s Schnitzel is Too Big

Size matters - Gerhard Kaltscheuer owns a working class restaurant in Hammerbruecke, Germany, where he sells about 70 schnitzels, or veal cutlets, a day.  But the tax office say that based on the amount of ingredients he buys, he must be selling 200 a day and should be paying more taxes.  Kaltscheuer says it’s none of the governments business if his schnitzel happens to be extra large, and his customers like it that way.  He said if his schnitzel were smaller, than nobody would want it.  Supporters held a rally yesterday in defense of Kaltscheuer’s big schnitzel.  

(No Comment)

If you have a comment on this story… just click on the Facebook icon to the left and post it there!  

Parting of the Red Sea Possible

The U.S. National Center for Atmospheric Research proved that Moses’ parting of the Red Sea as depicted in the Bible could have really happened. Using computer simulations, there is one point in the Red Sea where a strong east wind, blowing all night long, could have pushed back the water enough to have exposed a land bridge.  They say this jibes with the account in Exodus of how a mighty east wind parted the sea for the Israelites to escape.  

One time I was at a cocktail party with Charlton Heston, and when he got up to get himself a drink at the bar, he asked me what I wanted.  So Moses got me a beer!  Too bad I didn’t ask him then how he parted the sea!

Scientists Discover Homer Simpson Gene

They need some grant “D’oh!”  Scientists at Emory University have discovered a, “stupid gene”.  The gene appears to block connections in the brain.  When they deleted the gene in lab mice the mice became more intelligent.  They had better memories and were able to get through a maze faster.  The researchers dubbed it, “The Homer Simpson Gene”.  They said their dream is to find a way to switch the gene off and improve brain power.  

“The Homer Simpson Gene”?  How about “The David Hasselhoff Gene”?  Or “The Kwame Kilpatrick Gene”?  Or “The Monica Conyers Gene”?  Or “The Paris Hilton Gene”?  

If you have a suggestion for a name for the gene, post in on our Facebook page!

Look Who’s Sleeping in My Bed!

The Hyatt Rosemont Hotel, near O’Hare Airport in Chicago, is hosting a bedbug convention, for entomologists and exterminators to share samples of bed bugs and ideas on how to stop them.  

The other guests were thrilled to hear they were there at the same time as the bedbug convention.  

Ironically the dining room of the hotel was booked for a Cockroach Convention at the same time.  

Today’s Almanac…

On this day in 1939 a time capsule was buried at the NY World’s Fair.  It contained a woman’s hat and other objects.  It was to opened in the year 6939.  

I can’t wait until it’s opened to find out what else is in there.  

Geraldo Rivera’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson will be there broadcasting live when they open it.  

Have a great first full day of Fall and we’ll see you back tomorrow!

- Dick  

The Last Day of Summer...

What a summer!  Great if you like hot weather and have air conditioning; otherwise, not so good.  My favorite part is the gentle summer evenings taking a car ride with the windows down and feeling that warm summer breeze while listening to my favorite Lady Gaga tune!  And when you’re feeling a little amorous, I especially recommend “Bad Romance”.   

 “I want your ugly, I want your disease

   I want your everything as long as it’s free…” 

If that doesn’t put you in the mood, I don’t know what will! 

Speaking of Lady Gaga…

Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid tried to get the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on openly gay military members overturned by attaching it to a giant defense appropriations bill that would normally have passed easily.  But even after Lady Gaga appeared at a gay pride rally in a men’s suit to mock Senators who would oppose it, the bill was voted down 56 to 43.

Meanwhile Elton John showed up at another rally wearing a pair of Lady Gaga’s pumps with a sign reading, “Come on, ask!  I’ll tell!”

The Hoff is Off! 

Last night, David Hasselhoff became the first celebrity contestant to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after just one disastrous cha-cha.  “The Hoff” said he was proud that his daughters got to see him make it even that far, and “It’s been a great ride”. 

Still, he was disappointed.  For the freestyle dance, he’d planned on writhing around on the floor trying to eat a cheeseburger while his partner danced around him with a camcorder. 

Admittedly, the dance wasn’t great.  But if you watch it in slow motion and squint your eyes, it’s almost like watching him in the opening of Baywatch! 

Even Kate Goselin said, “To be honest, I thought he was a little bit stiff”. 

Put This On Your Bucket List…

KFC is trying to get the attention of its young male target demo by paying female college students $500 to hand out coupons for it’s new “Double Down” Sandwich – which uses two fried chicken breasts for buns.  The co-eds will also wear tight sweatpants with “Double Down” emblazoned on their derrieres.  The president of NOW calls the move “obnoxious”.

Hey… at least they’re not wearing tops reading “Try our Biscuits” across their breasts!

The college men refer to these girls as “Kentucky Fried Chicks”.

Gentlemen… Start Your Pedals! 

Listen up Ford, GM and Chrysler:  The Learning Resource Network says that “Generation Y” doesn’t share previous generations’ love for cars.  Drivers age 21 to 30 now account for only 14% of all miles driven, down from 21% in 1995.  Why?  They would rather spend their money on computers, games, iPods and share rides or take mass transit.  Worst of all, many young people now see cars as a source of pollution, not as a status symbol or sex appeal enhancer. 

Why can’t it be all three?!

I can just hear it now, “He’s smart, handsome… and he has a Schwinn!”

Question:  Does the People Mover actually qualify as “mass transit”?

Hollywood has responded by announcing that in the next James Bond movie, he’ll trade in his souped up sports car for a pair of roller skates.

Here’s an idea:  Just introduce a vehicle called the iCar and they’ll wait in line all night just to buy one.

BTW…

In case you missed yesterdays Facebook and Webpage postings, we gave you the “heads up” that Big Al WAS NOT going to be on last night’s premiere episode of ABC’s “Detroit 1-8-7”.  Al thought he was going to be on it until late Monday night.  How did he find out?  He went to the TV Guide Channel listings, read the plot outline for the show and realized it wasn’t his episode!!!

Someone’s Going to Chuck E. Cheese!

And it’s a big day for Birthday’s today… Debby “You Light Up My Life” Boone is 54… And the light of my daughter Jackie’s life, her son Charlie turns the big 9 today! 

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here, on the first day of fall, tomorrow!

- Dick 

Big Al is ready for his close up. "And the Emmy Goes To..."

Well tonight’s the night “Detroit 1-8-7” makes its network debut on ABC at 10pm.  The program focuses on the work of a Detroit Homicide Unit and is the first network TV show to be fully produced right here in the Motor City.  The show stars Michael Imperioli (Christopher on the Sopranos)  and James McDaniel (from NYPD Blue) and yes, Detroit’s own…Big Al Muskavito.  (A legend in his own mind).

Now, due to a miscommunication (Al swears it wasn’t his fault), Big Al will actually be in NEXT WEEK’S episode, not tonight’s debut show as previously reported.  Tonight “Detroit 1-8-7” will feature the series’ pilot.  Mr. Muskavito will make HIS network dramatic debut NEXT WEEK, Tuesday, September 28th at 10:00 P.M. on ABC.  Sorry for any inconvenience. 

However, because of Big Al’s mediocre, uh, excuse me, meteoric rise to fame, it’s very difficult to pin the big guy down for a one-on-one interview.  Well, today is our lucky day.  Yes, I had the rare opportunity to sit down with Al (After I promised him a free lunch) and here are some excerpts from that conversation.

DICK

I guess it’s safe to assume that you’re pretty excited about your role in “Detroit 1-8-7”?

BIG AL

You got that right, uh, I’m sorry.  I forgot your name. 

DICK

Dick.  Dick Purtan.  We used to work together on the radio.

BIG AL

The radio?

DICK

Yes.  Remember… “Dick Purtan and Purtan’s People”?  You were one of my people.

BIG AL

Vaguely.  Now speaking of that (YELLING) Could one of MY people please get me a decaf venti cap with half & half and triple sweet and low?  Like, NOW!

DICK

In your episode, you play a Polish Band Leader at a wedding…

BIG AL

Yes. 

DICK

How did you prepare for the role? 

BIG AL

How did Charlton Heston prepare to play Moses?  How did Marlon Brando become “The Godfather”?  (PENSIVE PAUSE)  Like many of my fellow Lesbians, I’m a method actor.

DICK

I think you mean “Thespians”.

BIG AL

Whatever.  The point is… I do what all great actors do – in this case let’s use me as an example –

DICK

You consider yourself a “great actor”?

BIG AL

As I was saying, what we do is reach deep; deep down into our own well of emotional experiences and bring those thoughts and feelings to the role.  It’s a painful process – agonizing at times – but you owe it to the audience. 

DICK

But you only have five lines. 

BIG AL

(PAUSE)  While it is true that I have a small part… um, uh, let me rephrase that:  While my role in next week’s episode may not be a major one, it is still crucial to the plot. 

DICK

Will you be watching next week?  I know a lot of actors get too nervous to watch themselves perform.  

BIG AL

I have a mirror over my bed. I’ve been watching myself perform for years. 

DICK

Okay.

BIG AL

As for all the buzz about an Emmy nomination…

DICK

I haven’t heard anything about that. 

BIG AL

I guess you have to be in the industry.  The point is, I don’t want people jumping the gun.  I think my work next week will speak for itself.  Much like the burrito I had earlier.   It’s been talking back to me during this entire interview.  (YELLING)  Could someone get me a Pepto with a Perrier chaser? 

DICK

Well, I wish you well next week. 

BIG AL

Thank you, Rick.

DICK

Dick.

BIG AL

Right. 

DICK

Before we go… there’s a show on Bravo called “Inside the Actors Studio”.  The host, James Lipton, always finishes his interview by asking the famous actors a series of one-word-answer questions.  Do you mind if I ask you just a few?

BIG AL

I’d be delighted.  But make it quick; I have an appointment to get my eyebrows teased.

DICK

What’s your favorite word?

BIG AL

Food.

DICK

What is your favorite swear word?   

BIG AL

$%@8!*

DICK

Favorite news outlet?

BIG AL

The National Enquirer.

DICK

Favorite author?   

BIG AL

Tough question…I love Dr. Seuss, but the guy who wrote Curious George certainly is a favorite, as well.

DICK

Big Al, I can’t thank you enough for taking time out of your busy press tour to talk to me…And I’ll let you go because I know you’re worried about the paparazzi showing up.

BIG AL

You ordered from the pizzeria?  Forget it, I’ll stay.  I’m starving.

DICK

That’s Big Al Muskavito ladies and gentlemen.  Look for him next Tuesday night, September 28^th at 10:00 P.M. on ABC as he makes his network debut on Detroit 187.  Thanks again, Al.

BIG AL

No, thank you, Nick.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Surprise Stories of the Weekend…

Lindsay Lohan finally admits flunking drug test…

Paris Hilton agrees to plea deal …

And the Michigan State Spartans beat Notre Dame on that great overtime fake field goal.  (Coach Mark Dantonio recovering nicely from mild heart attack suffered after the game). 

All in all, a great weekend!!! (Except for the Lions but hey, we’re used to that!) 

Will This Get Her Broomed From the Party?

Last Friday, Bill Maher released some decade-old cutting room floor video of Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell in an appearance on his show “Politically Incorrect”.  There was a Wiccan on the panel, and O’Donnell, laughing, said she’d known kids in high school who believed in witchcraft.  She also said she’d gone out on a date with one and later realized they had a picnic on his “satanic altar”.  The Democrats are trying to gain political capital from this…

The Republicans immediately took down the pictures of Christine O’Donnell on her campaign posters and replaced them with a picture of Nancy Pelosi. 

A lot of Republicans actually consider the set of Bill Maher’s show to be a satanic altar. 

At this point, she better hope her opponent in the election in Harry Potter. 

Your Stim-u-Less Money At Work! 

The City Controller in Los Angeles audited two public works programs that received $111 million in federal stimulus money to create jobs.  And it did!  A whopping 55 of them.  The original goal was 238 jobs, but auditors say red tape and poor oversight led to the problem.  Bottom line:  Each of the 55 jobs created cost taxpayers $2.2 million dollars. 

And 55 people in California have hailed the program as a complete success!

Who knew it could take $2.2 million dollars to teach a person to say, “You want fries with that?”

Bonnie & The Clod

Last Thursday, a Wisconsin man entered a gas station convenience store around midnight and asked for change. When the clerk opened the register, the would-be robber leaped over the counter, grabbed all the cash he could and fled.  Unfortunately for him, he was only able to grab a few coins.  Police estimate his “take” as less than one dollar.

And they say crime doesn’t pay!

A witness overheard him demanding the dollar, “in unmarked nickels”.

“A Gator-that-Needed-Ade”

Maryellen Mara-Christian of Fitchburg, Mass went alligator hunting with her husband in South Carolina last week and got more than she bargained for.  She hooked a gator that was 13-and-a-half feet long, weighed over a thousand pounds and looked like a dinosaur.  It was so fat, her gun couldn’t kill it, so she severed its spinal cord with a knife.  Animal rights activists are outraged, but she says she’s a proud hunter and plans on stuffing the gator. 

When she heard about plans to stuff the gator, Paris Hilton went ballistic, screaming, “Do you know how many alligator handbags I could have had made out of that thing!”

Ironically, the woman was wearing a pair of Crocs at the time. 

No If’s, And’s or BUTTS! 

A prison inmate in Frackville, Pennsylvania is suing the three Kardashian sisters.  He claims that because the prison TV was tuned to their reality show, “Keeping Up With the Kardasians,” he was forced to watch domestic abuse (Kim taking part in a boxing match), emotional abuse (Kourtney arguing with her boyfriend) and racism (Khloe referring to a baby doll as “the black baby”).  He claims this caused him extreme emotional distress due to their outrageousness of actions.  He is seeking $75,000 in damages. 

Either that, or one of those Kim Kardashian blow up dolls.  Of course if he gets the doll, he’s already agreed to give up his shiv so he doesn’t accidentally puncture her. 

$75,000?  Personally, I think he deserves double that. 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1818 Patent Leather was manufactured for the first time… 

And girls wearing skirts and patent leather shoes around boys have had to be careful ever since! 

Have a great day and well see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

P.S.  DON’T FORGET BIG AL’S NETWORK TV DEBUT TOMORROW NIGHT (TUESDAY) IN “DETROIT 1-8-7”.  10pm on ABC - Channel 7! (Look for the chubby polka band leader!) 

"The Week That Was..."

Hail to “The Chief”

I went over to Channel 7 Thursday and recorded a video tribute to Jerry Hodak that will be running next week – Jerry’s last week on the air.  In case you miss it… as a recent retiree myself, here’s what I advised Jerry to do: 

1) Begin a vigorous exercise routine to prevent any “stationary front” that he may develop in the belly area. (Although I don’t think Jerry is going to have much of a problem with that.  Besides… he’ll automatically lose the 10 pounds people always claim the TV camera puts on).

2) I’m thinking of starting a “Mall Walking Club” that Jerry could join and walk along with me and Sonny Eliot. Maybe every Tuesday and Thursday morning.  It would not only be a great workout – but a great time to get together and swap prostate stories. 

3) Definitely go on TV and sell furniture like Bill Bonds.  I told him he should get in touch with Art Van, because being the low-key kind of guy Jerry is, he’d be the perfect pitchman for their Lay-Z-Boy collection!  And it’s really the natural next step… Former Channel 4 anchorman Mort Crim does commercials for Magic Windows, and Warren Pierce…well… he advertises for just about everybody.

Brief thoughts…

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints has been forced to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won when he was a running back at USC.  Why?   He accepted perks and favors he was ineligible to receive while in college.

So let me get this straight… Reggie Bush has to give his back, but OJ Simpson got to keep his? 

But the bottom line is this:  Reggie’s Heisman trophy is up for grabs… so I’m thinking of suiting up again in my Junior Varsity Kenmore High School Football Jersey and giving it one more shot!  (At the very least, I think I’m qualified to play for the Lions.)

And Now Some Great News for Men…

A study found that middle-aged men are staying attractive to the ladies for a decade longer than they used to.  Thirty years ago, studies showed that most women wouldn’t look twice at a man over 45!  But thanks to men dressing better and keeping fit, and women waiting longer to marry, women now find men sexy up to… (drum roll please)…  55!!!  One researcher said, “These men are increasingly seen as eligible, perspective partners rather than old bores with little energy left to catch the female eye.”

George Clooney will be thrilled to know he’s got five good years left!

But Wait!  There’s More!

If a man wants to attract a woman, its better to be cool than macho.  New research has found that women have consistently ranked men with low cortisol levels as more attractive.  These men tend to be cool, calm and collected.  (Which, ironically,  brings us full circle back to Jerry Hodak.) Low cortisol is an inherited trait so it’s possible that women instinctively see men who stay calm under stress as being better father material. 

Of course once their married, the women complain, “you never share your feelings with me”. 

On that note, I’m off to act calm and collected.  (I’ve just never been able to get the “cool” part down!) Have a great weekend and we’ll see you right back here Monday!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Hometown Boy Does Bad…

Police in Ferndale are looking for a man who robbed a convenience store Monday while wearing a Darth Vader mask.  But he made what they call a “significant mistake” when he unknowingly stood in front of a store surveillance camera while he put on his Darth Vader Mask.  So now they know what he really looks like. 

I’m just glad he didn’t put his pants on in front of the camera.  That’s one light saber I don’t need to see. 

Police don’t believe he had an accomplice, they say he was working “Han Solo”.

As he fled the bank he was overheard yelling, “May the Police Force Be With You!”

If only he’d disguised himself as Yoda, he would have been too short to be seen on Camera! 

What’s Not To Like?  

The Daily Mail Reports that French First Lady Carla Bruni has co-written a tell-all book, “Carla and the Ambitious”, that’s sure to upset a lot of famous people.  Among them: Michelle Obama.  Bruni says that she once asked Michelle what it was like being America’s First Lady and she allegedly replied, “Don’t ask!  It’s hell!  I can’t stand it!”

She went on to tell Carla that she should include more fruits and vegetables in her diet.

I’d hate being First Lady too if I only got one weeks vacation a month!

I know Mrs. Salahi, the famous White House party crasher, would be happy to take her place!

Lick ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

A medical marijuana dispensary in California is offering customers a healthier alternative to smoking pot.  They’re putting it in ice cream.  Each half-pint laced carton contains the equivalent of eight joints worth of pot.  The ice cream has names like “Banannabis Foster” and “Straw-Mari Cheesecake”.  Despite the $15 price, customers are going crazy for the stuff.

$15 bucks for ice cream?  Isn’t that a little high? 

They call the guy behind the counter the “Really Good Humor, Man”.

The hardest part is getting a roach clip big enough to fit around the carton. 

Cheech and Chong said the pot part is okay, but not the ice cream part.  Their doctor won’t let them eat it because of their high cholesterol problems. 

If that’s not enough to get you high, the ice cream cone is made of hemp. 

He’d Give You the Can Off His Back

A Spanish inventor has spent the last ten years perfecting what he calls “Fabrican” – the world’s first spray on shirt.  The can contains a mixture of cotton fibers and plastic polymers.  Once the spray touches the skin, it immediately dries and turns into a stretchy fabric that can even be washed and worn again.  He envisions that someday, people will spray on not just T-shirts, but pants, hats, swimwear and dresses.

Sports Illustrated will be able to dress an entire Swimsuit issue of models using only one can of the stuff… and still have some left over!  

So 20 years from now the expression will be, “Hey, I just spray on my pants one leg at a time just like everybody else.”

Brittney Spears is said to be thrilled!  It’s a whole new kind of underwear she’s not going to wear!

I’ve got news for this guy… That Mexican news chick that covers the NY Jets already beat him to the punch. 

A Look Ahead to Tomorrows Look Back… Huh?

89 years ago tomorrow, RCA demonstrated the first “LP”, or long-playing record.  

There will now be a slight pause while you explain to your kids what a “record” is.  

And on tomorrow’s date in 1983, Vanessa Williams became the first black Miss America.  Although she was forced to give up her crown when nude photos of her surfaced, she’s one of the few Miss Americas who went on to become a star. 

Of course today you can be photographed naked and still star in Disney’s “High School Musical”!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Look Ma!  Clean Hands!

Researchers from a medical center in Salt Lake City have some good news:  more Americans are washing their hands after using the bathroom.  They sent spies into public restrooms and found that while only 77% of people washed up in 2007, that number has now risen to 85%.  As usual, men were dirtier than women: only 7% of ladies failed to wash their hands, while 23 percent of men skipped the soap and water after using the commode. 

NOTE:  The 15% who failed to wash their hands consisted entirely of restaurant employees.  Here’s an idea, why don’t they post a sign in the bathroom reading  “All Employees Must Wash Their Hands Before Returning To Work”.   Oh, wait…

How would like to have that job?  Spending all day observing people’s bathroom habits in public restrooms.  I thought you could get arrested for that. 

I actually knew a guy who did this for a living, but was sent to jail for being a “Peeping Tom”… now his career is “down the drain”… or “all washed up”.  (Take your pick!)

Waiter, I’d Like a Fly in My Soup…

A New York restaurant called the Brooklyn Kitchen is offering diners a rather unusual experience:  a four-course meal consisting entirely of insects.  The owner says patrons are “kind of interested, but also skeeved out.”  The menu includes Mexican-style caterpillars, mealworms and moth larvae, washed down with the Mexican liquor, Mescal.  The price $85 and 20 people have already made reservations.

They offer a discounted price to seniors who eat between 4 and 5 – “The Early Bug” Dinner.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always preferred caterpillars prepared Cajun style.

By the way… if you see a cockroach on the table, that’s not part of the meal.  He just lives there. 

The problem with the moths is they won’t stay on your plate.  They keep flying towards the light. 

It’s home cookin’!  All the insects will be caught in the retaurant’s own kitchen. 

$85 dollars is a great deal… you get the entire meal of insects - from soup to nuts!

It’s Not Just Humid, It’s HOT!

Men’s Health magazine compiled a list of American’s 100 top “hotbeds of sex” and 7 of the 10 cities are in Texas.  Austin was ranked #1 for sexual activity and dubbed the “capital of copulation”.  Dallas was #2, Arlington 7^th and Houston came in 10^th.  Lubbock, Forth Worth and San Antonio also made the top 15. 

So Dallas came in number two, huh?  No wonder George Bush keeps putting that “Mission Accomplished” sign on his front yard. 

Years ago, the “capital of copulation” was a town called Little Rock, Arkansas.

But not everybody in the Lone Star State is canoodling.  After one pharmacy ran out of Viagra, men could be heard yelling, “Houston, we have a problem”. 

Detroit should be on that list.  After all, isn’t that where the former Mayor lived?  And partied?  (allegedly!)

One Half Of Wham! In a Jam!

George Michael has had seven run-ins with the law, most involving marijuana and driving, be he kept getting released or given community service.  But his luck has changed.  In July, George smashed his car through the side of a photography shop on his way home from a gay pride parade.  He was high at the time and now a judge has sentenced him to 8 weeks in prison.

When the verdict was read, George allegedly broke down in tears, yelling, “Only eight weeks?  C’mon!” 

So he’ll be locked up in a tiny room with a toilet and a tattooed stranger… or as George calls it, “a typical Saturday night”.

I think what he really needs is a “Father Figure”.

He has a history of falling asleep at the wheel on his way to meet men at public restrooms.  Now I finally understand the meaning of “Wake Me Up Before You Go! Go!”

I’ll Bet a Huge Party Will Be Throne! 

A big Happy Birthday to England’s Prince Harry who turns 26 today…

I’ll never forget the time we had “The Queen” on the show talking about her grandson’s birthday when she said, “I just can’t believe my little Harry is getting so big!”

Headline of the Day…

 (As reported by the AP)  “Missing Tortoise Found, Didn’t Get Far”. 

 And Finally…

R.I.P. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!  Billie Mae Richards, the voice of Rudolph dies at 88. We’ll miss you and have no doubt that “you’ll go down in history”!

Have a great Wednesday.  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

She’s Waitin’ for You Outback!

Oprah Winfrey is taking her talk show out with a bang.  For the first show of her farewell season, she told the entire audience of 300, “We’re…going…to…Australia!!”  Confetti fell and the studio transformed into a mini-airport.  When John Travolta emerged, Oprah told them he would be their celebrity pilot on the eight-day vacation and that they were all getting a free Smartphone for the trip! 

One audience member broke down in tears.  Not because she was excited but she was so mad that she didn’t get a new car.

Meanwhile, Oprah’s protégé Dr. Oz gave everyone in his audience a free colonoscopy! 

On her very last show, Oprah is going to have Kirstie Alley come on the set, jump up and down on her couch, then put the pieces up on E-Bay.  

ON A RELATED NOTE:  When Larry King retires this fall, he has announced that he will give everyone in his live studio audience a free breast exam… A grateful nation sighed when they remembered Larry doesn’t have a live studio audience!

Into the Mouths of Babes… 

Monday, Michelle Obama addressed the National Restaurant Association to ask them to add more healthy options to their menus to help fight childhood obesity.  She urged them to use creativity to entice kids to eat healthier foods.  IHOP is already making changes by planning a children’s menu in which all items are less than 600 calories and come with fruit as the default side dish.

The kids are calling it the “Rooty Tootsie Fresh and Lousy” pancake breakfast.

McDonalds will now be offering Chicken strips dyed green and shaped like Broccoli Spears.

I’m not holding out much hope for the success of the “Salmon Finger Happy Meal”… 

“We’re Just Not Into You”

A new Gallup poll offers up bad news for both Republican and Democrat incumbents in Congress.   It sees a majority of voters hate virtually everything the current Congress has done, including the bank and auto bailouts, the Obamacare bill and the stimulus bill.  The only thing that has a majority of public support is the financial reform bill.

Of course most people think the “financial reform bill” allows the government to keep printing an unlimited supply of money!

It Seems Everybody’s Downsizing…

Sheyla Hershey, the Houston woman who became famous for having the world’s largest breasts has had her M-cup implants removed.  Turns out the more than 30 surgeries it took to get that big landed her with an infection that caused her to lug around a giant vacuum-like device to suck out the infection.  She says she loved the big boobs but now will try to enjoy life “running around with my kids.    

At least now she can run around with her kids without giving any of them a pair of black eyes. 

While she’s running around with her kids, he husband will be running around with some other woman who still has her implants.

On the bright side, now she can drive without accidentally beeping the horn all the time!

She’s going to donate all of her old bras to a local park to use as tree swings. 

He Always Wanted a Big Family… 

A man was arrested in Paris for a scam that reportedly cost the government $1.27 million dollars a year.  He claimed to have fathered 55 children by 55 different women.  Police believe he would find women visiting Paris and strike deals with them to claim he fathered their kids so they could apply for French residency and benefits.  Cops finally raided his two-room apartment, which was registered as the address of more than 50 people. 

50 people sharing one bathroom?   Imagine how long you’d have to wait in line to go “Oui Oui”!!!

Fathering 55 kids with 55 different women?  This guy should be drafted into the NBA!

And Finally…

Sunday was National Chlamydia Day in Sweden. 

There was a huge parade and the excitement was contagious!

Have a great day!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

LIONS LOSE BIG!

They lost their franchise quarterback Matthew Stafford for who knows how long and they lost a game to the Bears that they really won.  Even the Chicago Newspapers are saying that the Lion’s were victorious and that a bad call in the end zone took it away.  The Lion’s can’t win for losin’!

U of M and Michigan State both won over the weekend with the Maize and Blue’s Denard Robinson delivering another astounding performance. 

And RIP to U of M hall-of-famer, the great Ron Kramer who died Saturday at the age of 75. 

Packin’ Heat

An environmental group called 350.org drove a bio-diesel van to the White House to urge President Obama to show his commitment to “Green” energy by re-installing solar panels on the White House roof.   Jimmy Carter had 32 solar panels put on in 1979 but they were removed during roof-repairs in 1986.  White House reps said the Prez. Is all for clean energy but declined the panels.

Instead he’s just going to strap Rahm Emanuel to the roof.  He attracts all kinds of heat!

If they really want the President to save money, they should insist he use a Solar Powered Teleprompter.

Was The Plane Made By Airbus(t)??? 

21-year-old Playboy model Tiffany Livingston was taken into federal custody last Thursday night after she reportedly had a panic attack on a JetBlue flight from Orlando to Newark and tried to open the door in-flight.  The New York Post says the model has had anxiety attacks before and was stuck on the plane without her medication. 

I don’t why they were surprised.  Her Playboy Profile said she liked, “Walks on the beach… World peace… and Jumping out of moving airplanes.”

She also said she loved “Puffy clouds” and just wanted to get a closer look!

On the bright side, she was carrying her very own flotation devices. 

There Are Eight Million Stories in the Naked City… And This Is One Of Them 

A nudist resort is Surrey, England is under threat from prying eyes.  It’s 300 members are used to swimming, playing tennis and barbequing (ouch!) naked in the privacy of their fenced-in grounds.  But the local city council has approved plans for a five-story apartment complex next door that would give residents a birds eye view of the clubs activities.  One nudist claims she’s not ashamed of her body, but doesn’t want, “every Tom, Dick or Harry staring at me.”

She didn’t mention his name, so Big Al immediately leased an apartment on the 5^th floor. 

If they don’t want to be seen naked while grilling, why not just throw on a pair of Barbeque Thongs?

Naked Tennis, huh?  When they say 40-Love, they mean it!

Now He’s Praying for Forgiveness! 

Police in Madison, Wisconsin arrested a street musician who apparently doesn’t take kindly to criticism.  Police say two homeless guys walked over to Brandin Hochstrasser and insulted his guitar playing.   Hochstrasser bashed one of the men over the head with his guitar and threw the other man against a wall.  The musician goes by the name “Bongo Jesus”.

Since the incident, sales of “What Would Bongo Jesus Do” bracelets have plummeted.

I’m glad no one can arrest me when I’m at home throwing things at the TV every time I see another “Wallside Windows” commercial. 

I’d pay a million bucks to see this guy audition for Simon Cowell!

Was Kanye “Swift” Boated?  

While Lady Gaga was the big winner at Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, taking home six “moon men”, she wasn’t the only one making headlines.  Taylor Swift took to the stage and began her performance of a song called “Forgiveness” with a video “remembrance”, shall we say, to last year’s acceptance speech debacle.  Let’s watch the video from last years ceremony as Kanye West made his infamous appearance…

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick