"Hey, there's a new retired kid on the block!"

As long as I’ve been in town, I can’t recall a time when Sonny Eliot wasn’t on the air in Detroit, be it radio or TV.  I’m sure his 63 years on the air is an all-time record that will never be surpassed.  Sonny and I didn’t hang out together, but I got to know him through a mutual friend, and so we had some lunches together.  (One time Sonny, myself, Howie Young of the Red Wings, and one other guy even caught the matinee performance at the Empress Burlesque!  Yes, we were two wild and crazy guys!)  During those extended lunches I didn’t want to discuss broadcasting.  (We both had enough of that)  But rather I’d ask Sonny about his WWII years as a U.S. Air Force Bomber pilot and his experiences after being shot down over Germany and imprisoned in a Nazi Prisoner of War camp for 16 months. Sonny used his great sense of humor to keep his fellow soldiers and airmen laughing, and I’m sure under the additional pressure of being Jewish it wasn’t easy for Sonny.  But he did it!

Sonny’s style of being the “funny” weatherman was a first.  Until that time the “Weather Guy” on the television evening news was always “super straight”. No laughs during the weathercast, just the info.  Sonny changed all that with his jokes and references to various towns around Michigan, especially Engadine in the U.P.  Sonny’s style of being the funny/humorous weatherman caught on all around the country.  Later that changed; the “Weather Guy” was serious and the “Sportscaster” became the funny or wacky one with lots of shtick. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever met Sonny, but he is a “what you see is what you get” kind of guy.  Always on!  Although I hope for his beautiful wife Annette’s sake he wasn’t ALWAYS on! 

What a year it’s been for on-air broadcasting retirements in Motown.  First it was me retiring in March after 45 years on the air in Detroit.  Then Eric Smith after 45 years on the air in May.  Then Jerry Hodak after 45 years this month.  And now Sonny Eliot after 60 plus years!  There must be something in the water…And maybe that something is Geritol!  Come to think of it Sonny  – you, me, Eric and Jerry – we’d make quite a Mall Walking Foursome!  Let’s lace ‘em up fellas!

Good luck and good health Sonny, and may all your years ahead be as “Sunny” as you are! 

Sincerely,

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

The Blind Reading the Blind…

A company in Houston called “Taping for the Blind” offers the sight-impaired something special:  An audio version of Playboy Magazine.  While a text-only Braille version has been available for decades, The Blind community can now “listen” to all the articles, jokes, letters and yes, detailed descriptions of the pictures, read aloud by women volunteers.

So now you can spend your teenage years using Playboy to go blind – then listen to it years later when you are!

Although his eyes are fine, Big Al uses this service – but swears he only listens to it for the articles.

Finally, Hugh Hefner can enjoy his own magazine without having to wear his tri-focals!

It Goes Great With Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti… 

Germans have been in an uproar recently over ads that urge people to “donate any part of their body” for a cannibal themed restaurant.  It also sought the services of “open-minded” surgeons to help obtain the cuts of meat.   Turned out the ad was fake – put out by the German Vegetarian Society aka “Vebu” to raise awareness of the evils of eating meat.  

If a real cannibal-theme restaurant ever opens… stay away from the McNuggets!

I can hear it now… “Waiter, there’s a GUY in my soup!”

Some possible names for the restaurant… “Chuckie-E’s-Knees”, “Frank in Beans”, & “Peanut Butter & Jerry”.   

Mrs. Puddle The Poodle Needs Prozac!

A German toymaker has unveiled a unique new line of stuffed toys with psychiatric problems.  They include a turtle with severe depression, a snake who suffers from terrifying hallucinations and a sheep with multiple personalities.  It allegedly started as a joke, the but creator found that both kids and grown-ups like helping to “heal them”. 

So let me get this straight… now you can get a Teddy Bear that so insecure you have to get it, it’s OWN Teddy Bear to sleep with. 

Sales of the “Bi-Polar Bear” keep going up and down.

Lions and Tigers and OCD Bears!  Oh, my!

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I sleep every night with a stuffed bunny… but ONLY because he’s afraid of the dark.

“Yeah, I’m Goin’ to Cat-Mandu…”

Tang Meirong of China was walking down the sidewalk outside an apartment building when a heavy object fell on her head and knocked her out.  It turned out to be a cat, which was killed in the fall.  The building manager couldn’t identify the cat’s owner, so Tang is planning on suing all 200 residents of the building unless someone takes responsibility.

Turns out the cat only had one life, but the woman has hired nine attorneys.

Of course you know what they call a falling cat in China:  “Fast Food”.

Which reminds me, if you’re ever dining out in Korea – don’t ask for a doggie bag!

Those Caf-Fiends!

Starbucks has decided to de-clutter it’s drive-thru menus by getting rid of it’s smaller, 12 oz. drink size.  So now, customers in cars will only be offered the 16oz. “grande” or 20 oz. “venti” coffee drinks and not the 12 oz. “tall”. 

By the time you figure out their ordering system, your so awake you don’t need the coffee anymore. 

Why not just simplify the whole thing by having the Starbucks staff ask, “How jittery do you want to get?”

Laughing in the Can

On this day in 1950, the TV laugh track was used for the very first time on the sitcom, “The Hank McCune Show”.

And for years you could hear it on my show.  We called it John “Ankles” Stewart!

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

P.S. To our Jewish friends… Happy 5771!  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Troubled In Tinseltown…

One of the hottest rising stars in Hollywood was a no-show at last night’s invitation-only Red Carpet Premiere of the new TV series “Detroit 1-8-7” at the MGM Grand.  While many of the shows lead actors including Michael Imperioli (Christopher on “The Sopranos”) and James McDaniel (Lt. Fancy on N.Y.P.D. Blue) mingled on the red carpet with local dignitaries Mayor Dave Bing and City Council President Charles Pugh – one familiar face was conspicuously absent:  Big Al Muskovito. 

Muskovito, known to many of you as “Big Al” on my radio show landed the plum, career-making role of a Polish band leader on the show’s first episode which airs September 21^st.  After several failed attempts at reaching him through his publicist, I realized I should just try his cell phone.  He picked up on the first ring and, mouth full of scrambled eggs, muttered something about how great it was to hear from one of the “little people” and then mentioned something about getting his number changed. 

I asked him why he hadn’t attended the premiere – after all, he does have five – yes – FIVE LINES in the upcoming episode.  “I’m sick of all the hype,” he said.  “I’m a private person who just happens to love acting.  I’m not into the whole ‘Hollywood thing’.”  

“So you weren’t invited?” I said.  “Bingo,” he responded.  “I mean what a load of crap!  My role may have been small but it’s pivotal to the plot!  Well, maybe not exactly pivotal,” he added, admitting that he wasn’t really sure what that word meant, but had heard it once on one of the Cable news shows.  “I even had my powder-blue tux dry cleaned and had neck extenders put in the collar of my best dickey – and then I get dissed”. 

So instead of hob-nobbing with the glitterati, he did what he usually does on Tuesday night.  Went out for ribs, then went home and watched Cinemax! 

And Now On With The News!

According to a Social Science Journal, Americans are in love with the idea of “soul mates”.  The news is based on a new Marist poll, which found that two-thirds of Americans believe that somewhere, there is that one special someone they are destined to be with. 

And not surprisingly, it’s not the person they’re married to! 

Of course men and women have different definitions of the word “soulmate”… For women, it’s someone they can share their innermost thoughts with, and for men, it’s a girl with big boobs who’s half his age.

Men like to think that somewhere out there, there is that one special woman who is destined to meet them and take away half of everything they own.  

LITTLE KNOWN COMPLETELY UNTRUE FACT: Dr. Scholl met his “Solemate” at a podiatrists office.  

You Put Your Right Foot In… 

Researchers in England claim they’ve figured out what type of dance moves men should use to attract women.  After intense research, they found most woman prefer strong central body motions, and men who do wider and bigger movements of the head, neck and torso. 

So basically this means women are turned-on by the guys in “The Village People”???

I think Elvis proved the whole “strong central body movement” part about fifty years ago.  So did Fats Domino and Chubby Checker!

“Lady Gaga… She’s What’s For Dinner”

Lady Gaga has ticked off PETA (The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) by appearing on the cover of Vogue’s Japanese Magazine wearing nothing but pieces of raw meat shaped roughly into the form of a bikini.

Knowing Lady Gaga, I’ll bet they used Strip Steaks.

If it had been Kim Kardashian, they would have had to use a Rump Roast.  A really, really big one!

Didn’t Elton John do something like this when he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth?  Of course he wore a bathing suit made of “Sir Loin”!!!

Oprah Win-Free…

On this date in 1986, “The Oprah Winfrey Show made its television debut.

And everyone in the audience received a free 2 inch-long Matchbox Car! (Hey… she had a small promotions budget in those days.) 

Believe it or not, during the very first episode Oprah managed to gain, then lose 10 pounds!

An 80-Year Old “Strip-er”

And on this day in 1930, “Blondie” by Chic Young first appeared in the comic strips.

Word on the street is that Dagwood is writing a shocking new tell-all in which he admits she’s not a natural “Blondie”!

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Reading and Riting and Rythmatic!

I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in my stomach…

Then it hit me.  It’s BACK TO SCHOOL DAY. 

While it is true that it has been several…um… quite a few, okay it’s been DECADES since I let go of my mommy’s hand, lips trembling, and walked through the door of that big, scary, unknown place that was my Kindergarten room at GEORGE WASHINGTON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL in Kenmore, New York, sometimes it feels like yesterday. 

I think going back to school is daunting for even the most “I’m-So-Cool-This-So-Doesn’t-Phase-Me” high schoolers,  – but it’s probably the hardest for kids in elementary school. 

I mean one day you’re outside playing “kick the can” (or these days, video games) with the kids in the neighborhood, and the next thing you know you’re Mom is waking you up with the dreaded words, “Hurry… you don’t want to be late for your first day!” (I don’t???)

To borrow a phrase from “Apocalypse Now”, “The Horror!  The Horror!” 

For me… the worst was 3^rd grade – the year it seems to me you move from little kid to “upperclassmen” in the Grammar School world.  Armed with nothing more that a few pencils, a spiral notebook, and some glue, I entered Room #304 and was left to fend for myself.  There were some familiar faces – kids I’d been in the same class with the year before – and that brought me some comfort.  Even seeing my 2^nd grade nemesis, Eddie Chamberlain, sitting there made me feel better… familiarity is highly underrated. 

And then, my worst fears came true!  There she stood, in the front of the class.  Miss Emminger!!  The teacher I had heard rumors of all summer long…  “She’s mean…She gives more homework than any other teacher in history…She hates kids!”  I could see this was going to be the worst year of my ENTIRE LIFE.  I was at the mercy of Hitler in a dress!  

Of course a few days later, all the fear was gone.  I had my friends, my routine, I had rediscovered with joy the smell of the freshly varnished gym floor.  And don’t get me started on that school paste.   Who doesn’t remember the scent (or the taste, for that matter!)   But most importantly, as the days went on, I realized that Miss Emminger was tough, but she wasn’t the anti-Christ after all. 

Having seen my six daughters through their elementary school years and beyond and now seeing my daughters own kids going through the same thing – brings back incredible memories.   

So to all you kids out there – I promise you this:  As tough and emotional as today may be, it could be worse.  Look at the bright side… you’ve only got YEARS and YEARS of “the first day of school” ahead of you!

- Dick

P.S. Thanks for all the kinds words about seeing my daughter, JoAnne, and me on the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon.  It was an honor to be there and thanks to the generosity of Metro-Detroiters we raised over 1.5 million dollars!

"The Week that Was…And The Weekend That Will Be!"

The Ultimate “Kick-Off”…

It’ll it be a busy Labor Day weekend for me – not in terms of labor – but this weekend I have been invited to attend the re-dedication of the new Michigan Stadium.  While the Wolverines kick-off the season against Connecticut Saturday at 3:30, in the 109,901-seat stadium, tonight Gail and I will be honored to be among just 1200 people attending a private party at the completely refurbished Big House. 

The stadium is completely state-of-the-art with all the bells and whistles, and was the brain-child of U of M’s Athletic Director Bill Martin who will officially retire as AD just before the kick-off tomorrow. 

Bill, who was in the real estate and construction businesses for years before signing on with Michigan – came up with the idea to massively upgrade the 83-old-year storied stadium when he took over the reigns as Athletic Director 10 years ago.  Amazingly, the 226 million dollar project came in on time and on budget. 

While modesty prevents me from taking total credit for that achievement, I would be remiss to not point out that during one of our pre-game broadcasts three seasons ago while we were interviewing Bill, I kicked in $20 bucks towards the building fund.  Not to be outdone, Jackie (a proud U of M Grad – in four years thank you) and Big Al (a proud 1.9 GPA graduate of MSU) also handed over some some cash. 

(Being a true-green Spartan, Big Al wasn’t thrilled about contributing but lost a “thumb war” to Bill Martin and ended up forking over10 bucks.)

So congratulations to Bill Martin on this remarkable acomplishment and best of luck to Bill and his wife Sally in the future.  Go Bill! and Go Blue!

By the way… I’d love to hear your thoughts on the new Big Ten (really Big 12) two-division set-up, with Michigan in one Division and Ohio State in the other.  (Fortunately MSU is in the same division as Michigan).  Post your comments here, or on our Facebook page. 

But Wait… There’s More!

The opening of the Michigan Stadium is a big story… wait til you hear this:  We haven’t done the “Story of the Week” in a while, but in my humble opinion, this has to be it:

93-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor is said to be nearing the end, but her husband Fredrick Prinz von Anhalt says he wants to preserve his wife’s body and put her “on show”.  He said that Zsa Zsa has always dreamed that her beauty will be immortal and he wants to “plastinate” her with a special cadaver preserving process so that her beauty will last forever.  He added, “I would like to show the plastinated body of Zsa Zsa in the context of a scene of one of her films.” 

Well she was in “Nightmare on Elm Street III”…

Didn’t Michael Jackson tried to plastinate himself?  Of course he was alive at the time! 

Von Anhalt says hasn’t made a final decision yet probably because he’s always been a “pro-plastinator”!

And one more thing…

This Monday, Labor Day,  marks the 45^th annual Jerry Lewis Labor Telethon for MDA – which I’ve been doing for around 40 years myself!  Needless to say it’s a great cause and I will be thrilled to be co-hosting with one of my six favorite daughters, JoAnne, for the final 3 and a half hours from 3:00 to 6:30pm on Channel 20. I hope you’ll tune in and donate!   

Have a safe, happy and healthy holiday weekend and we’ll see you back here Tuesday morning!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A “Miner” Indiscretion…

One of the trapped Chilean miners is dreading his rescue after his wife ran into his secret mistress during a vigil at the mine.  Yonni Barrios’ wife Marta was shocked when she heard his lover Susana shouting his name.  The wife says she will stand by her man when he is finally rescued… but the mistress claims he has been planning to leave his wife for her. 

When rescuers told the miners they wouldn’t likely be rescued until Christmastime, Barrios asked if they could possibly postpone that until spring.

This guy is the Tiger Woods of Miners.

Can You Blow Bubbles With Cocaine? 

Paris Hilton, who was busted for possession of Cocaine late Friday night not only claims that the purse it was found in wasn’t hers, she says she thought the powdery white substance police found in a plastic baggie was gum.

She also claimed that she thought her license was a “Get Out of Jail Free” Card… which to honest, is pretty much true!

Paris also thought the eyebrows tweezers in the purse were a pair of barbeque tongs belonging to someone with really small hands.

Drinks on the Blouse!

Yesterday a lawsuit was thrown out that seeked to ban “Ladies Nights” in bars as being sexually discriminatory.  The plaintiff had claimed that the idea of letting women into bars for free or half price was an invention of militant feminists, designed to make men pay for women to party.  He said, “it’s a transfer of money from the wallet of guys to the pocketbooks of girls”. 

This guy sounds crazier than the guy who broke into the Discovery Channel Building. 

Call me crazy… but what man doesn’t mind buying drinks for a militant feminist? 

The plaintiff, a Mr. H. Wallbanger, had no comment. 

Gee Your Hair Smells Expensive!

Lloyds of London announced they have written a $1 million insurance policy for Pittsburgh Steeler strong safety, Troy Polamalu’s famous hair.  Polamalu hasn’t cut his hair in seven years, in tribute to his Samoan heritage. It’s now a gigantic, curly bush of hair that’s become his trademark. 

The policy was paid for by the new “Head & Shoulder Pads” Shampoo.

Every Sunday this guy sets a new record… for helmut hair. 

While the other Steeler players are working out in the gym to stay in condition, he’s stealing all of the conditioner in the shower.  

Kneel Diamond!

Tuesday, a Miami Dolphin’s practice was halted after defensive end Kendall Langford realized he was missing one of his 2.5 carat diamond earrings.  His teammates and grounds crew got on their knees and combed the field looking for it, but it was not found. 

So he’ll just have to wear his big dangly hoop-style earrings.

When I was playing football (Junior Varsity High School!!!), I didn’t wearing sissy diamond earrings.  I just went with simple gold studs. 

Kelsey Needs Your Help!

Kelsey Grammer played Frasier Crane for 20 years, but after two flopped sit-coms and a mega-expense divorce he wants to do it again.  He’s been tweeting fans about a reunion show, or a spin-off about Frasier’s and Nile’s sons with the old cast doing cameos.  He added that maybe it could be updated around social media:  “Now, that would be powerful, include like Twitter, iPhones, etc…”.

Sounds like he has no idea what the show would really be about.  If you have any ideas, send them to me via social media like Twitter, iPhones, etc.  Now that would be powerful! 

Here’s an idea:  He plays a psychiatrist who spends a lot of time drinking in a Boston bar. 

Hope you have a “Cheer”full day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow for the Friday blog, “The Week That Was”!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A Hot Wing!

Great to see that Chris Chelios is staying with the Red Wings in an advisory capacity.  He holds the record for the most games played by a defensemen in NHL history at 1,651 – a shoo-in for the NHL Hall of Fame! 

From Athletic Cups to G-strings…

I wanted to address a comment made on Facebook about one of our stories on yesterday’s blog.  The story was about how “Granny Pant’s are making a comeback over G-Strings”.  Char Krupp-Kruse wrote that “they are called thongs not G-strings anymore”.  After intensive Googling, I discovered that G-Strings are actually a type of thong – but not necessarily the same thing.  Just to be sure, I’ve got a call in to Tiger Woods for clarification.

Speaking of Tiger…

Did you hear that just four days after reaching an enormous divorce settlement, he has taken out a $54.5 million mortgage for the mega-mansion he’s building on Florida’s exclusive Jupiter Island? 

The house may be on Jupiter but he’s got his head up Uranus! 

“I Love My Grant-Ma!” 

A Dallas Newspaper reports that the number of Congressional Black Caucus Foundation scholarships awarded by Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson to her ineligible grandchildren, grand-nephews and her aides’s kids now stands at 23.  Johnson says she wouldn’t have given so much money to her relatives, but not enough qualified students applied.

Plenty applied, but they failed the mandatory “I’m-related-to-Bernice” DNA test. 

To her credit, she did run as a “family values” candidate.

To prove her character is beyond reproach, she showed the reporter she was wearing her “World’s Greatest Grandma” T-Shirt. 

And to think I was happy when my Grandma gave me a shiny new quarter on my birthday!

“Talk to the Hand…” 

A London fashion house has announced plans to market the first Cell-Phone Dress for women who often find themselves without a pocket to hold their phones.  Dubbed the “M-Dress”, the feminine frock has a SIM card connection under the label.  The mouth and earpiece are in the cuff.  To answer a call, you just lift your hand to your face and then drop your hand to hang up. 

If you do the “YMCA” while wearing this dress, you’ll end up spending a thousand bucks repeatingly calling China.

Hasn’t the Secret Service used this technology for years?

Maxwell Smart would have killed for one of these dresses!  It’s so much more convenient than having to take off your shoe.

“The Old and The Not-So-Bored” 

Old people might gripe about them, but it turns out they like reading negative stories about today’s young people.  A German survey found that reading bad things about young people boosts old people’s self-esteem, possibly because it’s revenge for the negative way older people are portrayed in our youth-centered society.

Who would have thought that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are actually giving the elderly a reason to live!

So when your neighbor yells, “Hey you kids… get off my lawn!” what he’s really saying is, “Come back tomorrow and bring your friends!”

There’s been a surprising backlash against Betty White.  A lot of old people are hoping she’ll get caught with Cocaine mixed in with her Metamucil.

It’s a Daddy Burnt Legs!

A 28-year-old man was trying to kill a spider in his bathroom using spray from an aerosol can.  For some reason he decided he needed more light so he flicked his cigarette lighter, igniting the fumes.  He suffered flash burns before jumping in the shower to put out the flames.  His wife called fire fighters for help.

Then she killed the spider with her shoe – on the first try.

The man said he was spraying the spider with “Nair” so it’s leg hair would fall off and it wouldn’t look so scary. 

Even “Little Miss Muffet” thinks this guy is a wimp.

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

It Goes Over Great In the Talent Competition…

18-year-old Laura Copeland has an unusual duel ambition:  She hopes to win the beauty pageant she’s in and also become a mortician.  She’s says due to working part time at a funeral home, she already has many of the skills needed, such as styling hair and make-up on dead people, which also come in handy for beauty pageants.     

Except the dead people are usually, but not necessarily, more lifelike than the beauty queens. 

When the “Antiques Roadshow” Goes Bad 

70-year-old John Joslin of California is facing charges of assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly trying to keep a 64-year-old man from beating him to a yard sale.   The Sheriff said both men arrived early to the sale and were walking up the long driveway when Joslin tried to get there first by tripping the other man, and when that didn’t work, by hitting him over the head with a five-pound, cast iron cornbread pan.

You always want to be first in line at a yard sale!  That way you can buy the best junk and leave the really crappy junk for the other guys. 

The victim dropped the charges after the 70-year-old sold him the cornbread pan for a buck-and-a-half.  

Victorian Secret 

Men might be happy that “Mad Men” has brought female curves back in style, but they might not be so happy that it’s also causing a surge in “Granny Panties”.  Apparently women want “more coverage in their underwear” beneath their micro-mini skirts and shorts.  Experts say G-Strings can’t give you accentuated curves - for that you need high waisted, old-style panties that pull in your waist.  But they warn they must be snug not saggy, because you don’t want to look like you threw on “nana’s curtains.”

Why not?  Grandpa apparently found them pretty sexy.  If he hadn’t, chances are you wouldn’t be here today! 

“Going” Once… “Going” Twice…

Saturday in London, John Lennon’s old toilet sold at auction for $14,740 US…10 times the pre-sale estimate.   He used it from 1969 to 1971. 

It’s the toilet that dozens of famous guests threw up in after having to listen to Yoko sing after dinner!

The new owner has reported nicknamed the commode:  “Let it Pee”. 

Father Knows Best?

Lindsay Lohan’s estranged Dad, Michael Lohan, is moving to California to open his own drug and alcohol rehab clinic. 

So if you have drug and booze problems… see Michael and let him do for you what he’s done for his daughter!  

Long Live the King! 

Other economic indicators are weak, but Elvis impersonators are looking up.  The Manager of The Doo Wop Shop music store in Louisville, Kentucky says that he’d seen no Elvis impersonators in a year, then last week two came in for paraphernalia.   And that’s a sign that the party business is coming back.  

So it looks like its time to sell your stocks and bonds and invest in companies that make rhinestones, blue suede shoes and jumpsuits with huge collars. 

The guy next-door at the Sandwich shop disagrees, saying sales of peanut butter and nana sandwiches are still as flat as last year. 

They Thought He Had A Screw Loose…

On this day in 1842 a man was granted a patent for a machine that made nuts and bolts.  That, of course, begs the question… What did he put the machine together with?  

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

“I’d Like To Teach the World To Snort…”

Paris Hilton was arrested, then released, in Las Vegas late Friday night.  Cops pulled over an Escalade she was riding in with her boyfriend when they noticed a trail of smoke coming from the car that smelled like pot.  Upon investigation, police found a small amount of cocaine in Paris’s possession.  She says she’s not worried… that “it’s no big deal”.  Experts predict she’ll get probation. 

She said the Coke thing was just a mistake.  She thought she’d bought Pepsi. 

Why oh why couldn’t she have been pulled over in Turkey or Thailand? 

She said there was a bright spot to her arrest.  The booking officer was HOT!

Mall Talkers 

Saturday a huge crowd from across America packed the National Mall in Washington for conservative talk show host Glenn Beck’s “Restoring America” rally.  Beck and speaker Sarah Palin said the rally wasn’t about politics – but about restoring America’s honor and having faith in God. The most controversial part was the crowd count.

There was just a slight discrepancy…  Fox News reported 1 million people attended while MSNBC claimed only 10 people showed up. 

And Keith Olbermann said they were the “10 Worst People In The World!”

Two Great Reasons To Vote For This Guy…

Breast implants are big, so to speak, in Venezuela but the bad economy has caused a lot of people to cut back on plastic surgery.   That gave National Assembly candidate Gustavo Rojas a great idea for funding his campaign:  He’s raising money by raffling off free breast implant surgery. 

His campaign slogan is, “A Chicken In Every Pot… and An Implant In Every Breast!”

I finally understand why they call it a “Campaign Chest”!

So if you’re a breast man and you like inflation, vote for Rojas!

“Eat, Drink & You Won’t Be Able To Do Mary” 

According to a new survey by the Nutrisystem diet company, many Americans would give up just about anything to lose 10 to 20 pounds.  A large number said they would give up a job promotion, throw away their cell phones or stop watching TV in order to have a toned stomach. 

But if they give up TV… how are they going to find out how to order all those “Not-Available-In-Stores-Amazing-Stomach-Toners”? 

NOTE TO MEN:  52% of women surveyed said they’d rather give up sex for an entire summer than gain 10 pounds.

So when you take your wife out to dinner – don’t let her order anything but salad!

Let’s face it, Americans would give up just about anything to lose weight – except food.   

There Was a Doctor in the House!

Al Pacino picked up an Emmy last night for lead actor in a movie/mini-series for his role in “You Don’t Know Jack” – the story of our own Dr. Jack Kevorkian.  And guess what?  The good doctor himself was in the audience and rose to salute Pacino as he accepted his award. Jimmy Fallon hosted the ceremony and got good reviews.

Fallon was good… but Dr. Kevorkian killed!

There was so much Botox in the room, Dr. K said it was just like being in the morgue – except the people had clothes on. 

Geoffrey Feiger not only loaned Kevorkian his own personal hair stylist for the event, he actually flew him out to LA.  On his own back!  (Super Feiger…Up, Up and Away!)

BONUS VIDEO!

We thought Jimmy Fallon did a pretty good job last night – and the best part was his musical tribute to some popular TV shows that have finished their run.  Click below and enjoy…

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"The Week that Was…"

A lot of important things happened this week…

- The controversy over the proposed mega-Mosque just two blocks from Ground Zero reached a fever pitch…

- The always handsome Mahmoud Amedinejhad took off his “Members Only” jacket long enough to announce the opening of Iran’s first nuclear reactor and unveiled the country’s first unmanned drone-bombing plane, which Mahmoud called “the ambassador of death”… as Sgt. Sacto would say… “Ooooohhh, scary!”

- And Salmonella poisoning caused a massive, nationwide egg recall that had grocery stores scrambling.

But there’s one story that I feel is incredibly important, yet got very little coverage in the Press:  Can Hooters girls be overweight? 

Apparently, it’s possible.  A Michigan judge has okayed two lawsuits against Hooters filed by waitresses saying they were wrongfully fired for being “too heavy”.  A Hooter’s spokesperson claims the girls are actually “entertainers” and therefore have to meet certain requirements.   

The Hooters Girls are entertainers???    Shouldn’t they be charging some kind of cover charge?  Silly me, and all this time I thought they were just waitresses wearing tight t-shirts. 

I feel better now that I got that off MY chest.  Oh, by the way, on a side note… Big Al just got hired as a waiter at a new Mexican restaurant called “Tooters”.

Hard to believe we’re getting close to Labor Day Weekend.  Not the official, but to me, the end of Summer… my absolute favorite season of the year. 

The back-to-school commercials are all over TV.  And as a matter of fact, my grandso…um, my daughter, Jill’s son, Matthew, has already been back in school for almost two full weeks. 

Hop on the freeway and you’re bound to see cars packed with dorm room paraphernalia – including the obligatory futon strapped to the roof or sticking out the back.  (As a father of six girls, I know how happy all you dads are helping your daughter move in a piece of furniture that’s not only a couch…but converts into a bed!)

And walk into just about any store – and you’ll find yourself face-to-face with Halloween stuff.  HALLOWEEN???  My ears are still ringing from the 4^th of July Fireworks!  I’m not ready for Candy Corn and Witches Costumes… (although I’ll admit the Nancy Pelosi mask I saw was pretty realistic). 

Sure fall is beautiful in Michigan, but I’m just not ready for it.  I want Frisbees not Football!  Sunscreen not Sweatshirts!  I’m going to hang on to summer with everything I’ve got. 

And, yes, I will wear white after Labor Day!   

Call me crazy… a renegade… I don’t care.  This may be the last weekend of August but, to paraphrase the poet Dylan Thomas, “I will not go gently into September”. 

In fact, I may wear my Speedo until it snows! (Not)

Have a safe, happy weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick

P.S.  On Labor Day itself I will be co-hosting the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy telethon along with my daughter, JoAnne.  We’ll be on the final three-and-a-half hours from 3pm to 6:30pm on Channel 20.  Hope you’ll donate to this very worthy cause!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

I’m Just Sari This Didn’t Happen Sooner…

Ford Motor Company is expected to announce today that they will launch eight new vehicles in India by 2015 as it tries to gain market share in the rapidly growing automotive market.

So they’re basically trying to curry favor with Indian drivers. 

Ford’s slogan in India will be:  “Have You Driven a Ford in Sandals Lately?” 

It’ll be nice knowing that the Indian guy you spend hours on the phone with trying to fix your computer drove to work in an American car.

To make the Indians more comfortable, Ford will drop “Horsepower” and replace it with “Sacred Cow Power”.

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That!

In an interview with the Atlantic Magazine, former RNC Chairman and President Bush’s 2004 Campaign manager Ken Mehlman revealed that he is gay.  Mehlman is the highest-ranking Republican to come out of the closet.

Ironically, it was the same closet Bill Clinton used to hide Monica Lewinsky in when Hillary dropped by the Oval Office.

Former Senator Larry Craig has refused to take a stance on the announcement… but when he does you know it’s gonna be a really wide one! 

Democrat Barney Frank said, “I always knew I liked Ken… now I know why”. 

I Just Hope He Didn’t Get the (Polite Golf) Clap!

In what she says will be her only interview, Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she was “blindsided” by Tiger Woods multiple affairs and wanted to save the marriage but just couldn’t trust him anymore. The former Mrs. Woods said that she never hit Tiger with a golf club and added “Money can’t buy happiness, or put my family back together.” 

Although she did admit, “it could possibly make things a little easier”!!

But still not as easy as Tiger’s mistresses were!

On the bright side for the kids, $500 mil should be enough to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. 

She may not have hit him with a golf club, but she did do some damage to his putter. 

Finally, Something Green In Washington That Can’t Be Spent By Congress!

Jim Henson’s widow Jane has donated the very first Kermit the Frog to the Smithsonian along with some other Muppets.  Kermit made his debut in the 1950’s and looked a lot different than the one we know today.  Mrs. Henson said the original was made from two ping-pong balls and Henson’s mom’s old, faded green felt coat.

If Jim’s mom had had a gray coat, we would have ended up with Kermit the Toad. 

The Swedish Chef will be unable to attend the unveiling ceremony as he was just hired by Elin Nordegren to cook for her kids. 

Bert and Ernie, now life partners living in San Francisco, were unavailable for comment.   

And Miss Piggy?  She was so touched by the gesture she actually cried “puppet-tears”.  (Get it?!)

Oh What A Webbed Lawn Chair We Weave!

Listen up suburban dads!  Archeologists digging up Roman ruins found a Centurion’s sandal with fibers stuck to it.  They believe that means the sandal was worn with socks!  They also found evidence of socks in 14 Roman Graves. 

So even 2000 years ago there were Roman men sitting on their porches yelling, “Hey thou kidseth, get thineselves off of mine lawn!”

ON A SIDE NOTE:  It’s a little known fact that Roman Chariot drivers often reported seeing one lone sandal by the side of the road. 

So this many years later,  I find out my dad was cool and hip after all! 

Business is Way Up!

While businesses everywhere are hurting, the recession actually seems to be helping the sex toy industry. Experts think couples would rather spend their money on something that lasts – unlike an expensive dinner. Even Amazon.com is now offering 60,000 “adult toys” that are selling quite well.

It’s okay to buy them new from Amazon… but just stay away from the “previously enjoyed” stuff on E-Bay.

So a lot of people aren’t waiting for Christmas morning to open something that says, “batteries not included”.

Forget the government!  We Americans know how to create our own Stimulus Package!

And finally…

Check out what is perhaps the greatest racehorse call in history…

Have a great day!  See you back here tomorrow for my Friday Blog…

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Sad News On Two Fronts Today…

Nancy Dolman, wife of the great comedic actor Martin Short has died of Cancer at the age of 58. RIP. 

And Edward Kean, head writer of the “Howdy Doody Show” and the man credited with creating the expression, “kowabunga,” has died at the age of 85 in a nursing care facility in West Bloomfield.  He even wrote the theme song, “It’s Howdy Doody Time” and the word “kowabunga” is still popular today, thanks to Bart Simpson.

There must be some kind of local connection because, not only did he die here, but - TRUE STORY – the puppet Howdy Doody is stored in a box at the Detroit Institute of Arts.  Sadly, Howdy has been locked up longer than Kwame! 

Howdy Doody and Kwame have something else in common…Everything they did in their careers came with “strings attached”.

There’s a rumor going around that “Howdy” was at that non-party-party at the Manoogian Mansion.  Howdy got lucky.  He left the party just as Kwame was about to throw another log on the fire.

Goin’ Postal 

More than 3000 American Postal Workers Union Members from across the country walked from Cobo to Campus Martius yesterday.  Donning blue shirts, they chanted “Five day, no way”! in protest of the Congressional proposal to cut Saturday mail delivery.  The Postal service lost $7 billion last year and delivered 25 billion fewer pieces of mail. 

No mail on Saturday?  What’s next… no Free Press or News on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday?  Oh, wait a sec… 

Actually it’s a great idea… one less day to get bills! 

If the proposal passes, it’s gonna confuse a lot of dogs. 

So now parents of college students are gonna have to wait two whole days to find out that they’re kid didn’t write ’em a letter.

He’s Just Puttering Around The House… 

Things just keep getting worse for Tiger Woods… his game is off, he just signed a $100 million-plus divorce settlement and now it turns out sales of Nike’s “Tiger Woods” brand of golf apparel are way down.  A sports business professor says that what made people buy Tiger’s clothes was his “aura of perfection” both on and off the course; he doesn’t think he can get that back.

The only person who thinks Tiger still represents perfection?  Sandra Bullock’s ex - Jesse James. 

On a bright note, Nike’s “Tigers Do It In The Woods” T-Shirts are selling like hotcakes!

Tiger is going to have to hire another caddy just to carry his emotional baggage!

He Almost Had Paris… 

Early Tuesday morning a man reportedly tried to break into Paris Hilton’s home in LA by banging on a window with a brick.  He was also  carrying two knives and the cops think he was a deranged fan.

NOTE:  Isn’t anyone who claims to be a fan of Paris Hilton technically “deranged”?

Paris turned the whole thing into more publicity…  She tweeted her fans how scared she was while the man was still being arrested, plus news helicopters got shots of her running out onto her balcony wearing only a towel.

And the most shocking part… It wasn’t a Hilton Towel.  It was from the Motel 6!

Hello Norma Jean…

In a Poll by Clairol’s Nice “N” Easy hair coloring, Marilyn Monroe was named the greatest blonde of all time.  She was followed, in order, by Grace Kelly, Brigitte Bardot and Cameron Diaz.  Amazingly making the list…coming in at #20… was Paris Hilton. 

I don’t know if she’s nice, but I’m pretty sure she’s easy.

#21:  Geoffrey Feiger

And Finally…

On this day in 1973, the CAT Scan (Computer Assisted Tomography) was first used on a patient.  

I told a friend of mine a CAT Scan joke.  He’s Canadian and it took him six months to get it. 

Have a great day!  And oh, by the way, if you have a suggestion for a blond who should be in the top five (or at least replace Paris Hilton) post it on our Facebook page!  More tomorrow…

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

It’s Over “Fore” The Woods’

So it’s finally official… Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren surprised the tabloids by appearing together in court in Panama City, Florida to execute a secretly negotiated divorce agreement and officially end their marriage.  They issued a statement saying that the happiness of their children “has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”  Elin’s settlement is rumored to run anywhere from $100 million to five times that. 

Tiger should have cheated on his golf score instead of Elin… it would have been a lot cheaper.

I thought it was kind of tacky that Tiger brought along his caddy to pick out which pen he should sign the agreement with.

Although he’s been off his game lately, Tiger vows to get it back in the upcoming “Masters and Johnson Tournament”.

So look at the bright for Tiger… he’s losing a lot of money, but he get’s to keep his clubs and balls. 

This Will Really Put Her On The Map… 

Last night, Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarette, was crowned Miss Universe at the pageant in Las Vegas.  Unfortunately Miss USA, Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih, didn’t even make it into the final 15.  Donald Trump, who runs the pageant will give the new winner a salary, clothes, jewelry, a luxury New York apartment and pay her tuition to the film academy. 

You know, all the stuff you need when your main goal in life is to help achieve world peace.

So Miss Mexico won, eh?  I bet it never would have happened if the pageant had been held in Arizona! 

Another example of a Mexican taking an American’s job…

NOTE:  Whenever I think of pageants… I can’t help but think of the inspired, thought provoken answer given by Miss Teen South Carolina a few years ago… Just click on the link below and enjoy! 

Abs-Solut Workout!

The David Barton Gym Chain has added something unusual to their gyms in Chicago, Miami and New York:  cocktail hour.  The owner cut a deal with a vodka company and all this month, customers can trade their usual protein smoothies for vodka and orange juice screwdrivers.  He says he’s not pushing alcohol but that, “It’s better to work out and drink than to not work out and drink.”  The gyms motto is “Look Better Naked”.

After a few screwdrivers doesn’t everybody look better naked?

Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson immediately signed up for a Lifetime Membership.

The owner has renamed the chain “Gym and Tonic”. 

They should put out a line of exercise videos and call them “Sweatin’ to the Smirnoff’s”.

General Tso’s Traffic

With China’s economy booming, the Chinese are buying cars faster than they can build highways causing severe traffic problems.  In fact 400 police have spent the last nine days trying to untangle a traffic jam on a Beijing Expressway that is over 60 miles long and involves thousands of cars and scattered accidents.  It’s expected to last until September.  For now, drivers are camping out and playing cards while vendors have shown up to sell food and other items. 

A traffic jam that lasts for weeks?  That’s just plain Wong! 

The most popular dish being sold by the vendors?   Almond Boneless Chicken! 

In China they only have a choice of two lanes of traffic:  Column A or Column B. 

Nostril-Damus Never Predicted This… 

On September 24^th, Guernsey’s Auction House in NY will give bidders the chance to own a piece of the Statue of Liberty’s nose.  It’s a 2-foot-long copper nose tip left over from the Statue’s restoration in the 1980’s.  Four potential replacements were made.  An auction spokesman said the one up for bids is “the tip of the nose with the area around the nostrils.  It doesn’t sound like it… but it’s fairly attractive.”

So apparently the restoration committee had four noses made but didn’t pick this one.

This is perfect if you’ve got a lot of money to blow…

If you buy the nose you can put up a sign in your home reading:  “Give me your tired, your poor, your nasally congested…” 

The winning bidder will get the nose and a really big bottle of Afrin.  

Have a great Tuesday!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Miss Teen South Carolina

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Somebody’s in a Bad Mah-Mood!

Over the weekend, Iran fired up its first nuclear reactor, which it swears will be used only for peaceful purposes.  Iran also unveiled its first unmanned drone-bombing plane, which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called the “ambassador of death”. 

I thought Jack Kevorkian was the “ambassador of death”…

All he is saying… is “Give Peace a Chance” – and if you don’t, he’ll kill you.

Speaking of People Who Want World Peace…

America’s first Muslim Miss USA, Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih will attempt to win the “Miss Universe” title in tonight’s pageant.  And she’s dedicated the barely-there costume she’ll wear to the President’s work “to bring peace to the world.”  It’s a Victoria’s Secret Angel style version of an eagle with gold lame wings and not much else.  Rima calls it a celebration of “life, liberty and all that is American”.

One look at her chest and they’re going to change the lyrics of “America the Beautiful” to “From C to shining C!”

When the Taliban heard about her costume, a bunch of them exploded… and they weren’t even wearing suicide vests.  

UFOhhhhhh!

Yesterday was “Go Topless Day” – an event celebrating the anniversary of women getting the right to vote. Rallies were held around the country, promoted by the Raelian religious cult that believes humans were put on earth by UFO’s.  They believe it would please the alien scientists who invented our bodies to see them sans clothing. 

Thank God Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist and not a Raelian!

NOTE:  A Raeliean spokeswoman says some men do come to gawk and take pictures, but “they get used to seeing women’s bodies and return to normal within an hour”. 

It’s a good thing it doesn’t take four hours… then they’d have to go directly to the hospital! 

I saw my first naked woman when I was 12 and I still haven’t returned to normal!

Big Al doesn’t believe any of the Raelian UFO nonsense, however he does believe the topless part.

Al also supports the Raelians by wearing a sports bra for his manboobs every day of the year. 

A Human ATM

19-year-old Nicholas Ryan Harris was being booked into a Florida jail on charges of DUI and pot possession when the cops gave him a strip search.  They were startled when dollar bills started falling out of his rear end.  By the time they were done, a total of $45 dollars had dropped from his derriere. 

What happened to the good old days when people hid money under their mattresses? 

Gives a new meaning to the word “Assets”.

“I Can’t Come To The Phone Right Now… I’m Robbing a Bank”

Police in Eden, New York, are looking for a bank robber who was caught on video taking a cell phone call DURING THE ROBBERY!  They suspect it was his getaway car driver, reminding him that he’d forgotten to put his mask on. It was still hanging around his neck. 

The cell phone company’s slogan?  “Reach out and Rob Someone”.

Great Scot! 

Last week in Devon, England, Scottish bagpiper Bill Millin died at 88.  He became famous in World War II when he came ashore on D-Day and stormed the beach at Normandy with no weapon other than his bagpipes, playing Scottish songs to inspire his fellow British troops.  He was even portrayed in the movie “The Longest Day” – which gained him worldwide notoriety.  Two German snipers interviewed after the battle were asked why they didn’t shoot Millin as he came ashore, and they said they assumed he was insane and wanted to die.  

The real reason he wasn’t shot was that the German’s heard the bagpipes, started screaming and ran away.

He was responsible for capturing more German’s than Sgt. York. 

“Bach to the Basics”

A Reader’s Digest survey of over 1500 people found that while 61 percent of people say they like some classical music, they have no idea who wrote it.  Most people not only couldn’t tell Tchaikovsky from Vivaldi from Rossini, but four percent identified Bocconcini as a classical composer.  It’s actually a type of cheeseball from Italy. 

Reading further in the survey, I found out that Rossini wrote “The Barber of Seville”.  I always thought Bugs Bunny wrote that… and that Beethoven was a St. Bernard. 

And isn’t The Lone Ranger’s real name William Tell? 

Have a great Monday!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"My Crusin' Memories..."

It’s kind of strange not being a part of things this year;  after all,  I’ve been in 13 of the last 14 Woodward Dream Cruises!  (I only missed the first one because I hadn’t moved to WOMC yet!)  As I’m sure you do, I have a lot of memories from cruises past – the following are some of my favorites…

- Although we never had a major rainstorm on Dream Cruise Day, a few years ago we were threatened with some pretty amazing lightning.  I can still remember Big Al, Jackie, Dana, Ankles and I standing high above the street on a metal – yes METAL – platform with a metal, yes METAL roof as we saw severe lightning strikes coming closer and closer.  We suggested that instead of waiting to be killed, we make the quick drive back to the radio station and finish the broadcast from there.  Our illustrious Program Director at the time said, “No, you’ll be fine.  Stay here”.  So of course we packed up our microphones and headed back to the studio. You just can’t beat that kind of leadership!

- Ford used to host a fabulous party the night before the big cruise.  It was loaded with celebrities – okay, there were two – James Darren and Connie Stevens.  They both looked fabulous – maybe even better than they had when I interviewed them in the 1960’s.  I don’t know if any of it was real – but it was spectacular!

- Big Al and I attended another pre-Dream Cruise Party put on by Ford another year – and as always had a great time.  We had driven over together in my convertible, and on the way home, I secretly turned on Al’s seat warmer.  (Remember, this is in the middle of August).  I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he squirmed and began to sweat.  He finally looked at me and said, “I don’t know why… but my buns are on fire!”

- Speaking of being on fire… Another year Al and I were driving back towards home from yet another WDC event with the car top down and some – I’d guess I’d describe it as “relaxing” music – on the radio. We stopped at a red light and two guys in a pick-up truck blaring rock music pulled up in the next lane.  They looked over at us like we were Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken out for a drive. 

- The radio station always had us ride in a classic car up and down Woodward after our morning broadcast and Al and I had heard stories of women along the avenue that would flash the cruisers a la Mardi Gras.  As luck would have it, the only person who I ever saw do it, was… you guessed it… Big Al. 

- One year, I had to ride in both the Gratiot and the Woodward Cruises.  After waving to the crowd for more than three hours, I almost threw my shoulder out.  It gave me a new respect for Queen Elizabeth…

- I almost missed one TV Dream Cruise Broadcast altogether…  I entered Woodward from a side street around 15 and a half mile.  As soon as I turned I realized I was in trouble.  It took me an hour and a half to make it to the Channel 7 Broadcast at 13 mile. I haven’t driven that slowly since I was invited to have lunch with Jack Kevorkian.  

- For many years I did my radio show in the morning, then would drive home and come back to be part of aforementioned TV Broadcast along with Guy Gordon and my daughter, JoAnne.  Many a time JoAnne had to nudge me and whisper ever-so-subtly that I was looking into the wrong camera.  (They don’t put those handy red-lights on them like they do in TV studios). 

And I can’t tell you how many times my wife Gail, who was watching the broadcast at home called my cell phone to tell me that I was slouching and apparently picking up lint off my pants while on camera.  I’m just not a TV guy!

- It was during one of Channel 7’s “Dream Idol” singing contests that I had a bit of a run-in with a former Detroit City Council Woman.  No, it wasn’t Monica Conyers (Thank God) it was Martha Reeves.  She and I were the two “Celebrity” judges.  When one of the contestants did a cover of Martha’s hit “Dancin’ in the Streets”, I said, ON CAMERA, “That was great!  In fact I think I liked it better than your version Martha”.  One look from her and I realized that Miss Reeves  is all for dancin’ but not so much for kiddin’ around. 

But my absolute favorite memory has to be the “Woodward Dream Cruise Wedding”.  A couple won the chance to have their marriage televised LIVE from the mainstage next to Duggan’s with Big Al and our beloved Doc Andrews serving as “Best Men”.  So there stood Al, stuffed into his powder blue tuxedo next to Doc in his spiffy wedding attire waiting for the bride to appear.  The image still makes me laugh to this day.  Not being a clergyman, (although I do know some good “A Priest, a Rabbi and a Parrot walk into a bar” jokes) I sort of emceed the ceremony.  The minister officiated the exchanging of the vows as muscle cars revved their engines on Woodward Avenue below the stage.  Then, of course, came the traditional fight between the bride and groom.  No kidding.  One of them got mad about something and they ended up screaming at each other from the make-shift backstage area in the parking lot.  I don’t know how the marriage worked out, but we all had a helluva time! 

I hope you, too, have a great time at the Dream Cruise this year!   Have a super and safe WDC weekend and we’ll see you right back here Monday!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Is She A Member Of Alpha Pie? 

Remember the woman who smashed an apple pie into Senator Carl Levin’s face during a question and answer session with voters this week to “shine light on his war crimes”?   Turns out she’s a student at Michigan State! 

Afterwards she immediately went over to Cedar Village and lit a couch on fire!

If she’s charged, the prosecutor will be chanting, “Go Green!  Go White!  Go to Jail!”

Shaken, Stirred and Arrested

Fire officials in Fairfax County, Virginia are taking heat for going overboard.  For 13 years, bartenders at Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern have entertained customers by juggling bottles and spitting flames of liquor.  But they were recently charged with a felony for setting a fire, and manufacturing an explosive device just for doing the usual bar tricks that hurt nobody. 

Putting alcohol in your mouth doesn’t turn you into an explosive device unless you’re Mel Gibson!

Of course if you count the alcohol actually in someone’s system… Lindsay Lohan is a Weapon of Mass Destruction!

A Bedtime Story…

Manhattan sexologist Logan Levkoff offered some tips to husbands who want to get their wives to have sex more often.  She says don’t treat women like porn stars, because reflects men’s fantasies, not women’s.  Offer to watch the kids so she can take some time to relax and spend 20 minutes talking to her about non-stressful topics so she’ll know you’re a good listener and can communicate. The sexologist added that if you hug your wife for 30 seconds, kiss and hold her hand, it raises her levels of the cuddle hormone Oxytocin and puts her in the mood.  But she cautions against groping her chest or butt as that upsets women. 

Okay, I’ll go along with all of those except the one about spending 20 minutes talking about non-stressful topics to show I’m able to listen and communicate.  (You have to draw the line somewhere…)

After watching the kids for a few hours, you may re-think your decision to do something that could produce another one.

Unfortunately, by the time you figure out all the rules, you’re too tired to have sex anyway.

What a Bunch of Bananas!

Police in Washington State recently got a call about two men doing donuts in a local parking lot.  They arrived to find 21-year-old Carlton Jeffrey Kohnert dressed in a child’s banana costume.  According to witnesses, earlier that day he’d exposed himself to a woman in a restaurant and at one point jumped out of the car – in his banana suit – brandished a shotgun and began yelling about white supremacy. Police say they believe alcohol was involved.

How much you wanna bet that alcohol came in the form of a banana daiquiri? 

Wait ‘til the guys in prison find out that he likes to dress up as a fruit.

Grocery and Disorderly Conduct

A man in Aukville, Wisconsin was issued a $429 citation for creating a disturbance after he allegedly came up to a woman who brought more than 10 items to a grocery store express lane and began berating her.  He even called her “fat and ugly”.  Ironically, the clerk had told her she could use that lane because she was the only person in line.

The man was just mad because the last time he’d gone through the line, the cashier had said, “I need a price check on Depends…” 

I See London… I See France…

UPDATE:  Police in Paris have now arrested the two girls who were robbing men at ATM’s after distracting them by exposing their breasts.  They are both 14 years old!!!!!

Roman Polanski said he’d like to make a movie about these two 14-year-old girls and their criminal career but they’re a year too old.

You’ve Got Questions… I’ve Got Answers!

In answer to Sandra Kort’s question on Facebook yesterday, I will not be at the Woodward Dream Cruise this year.  It will only be the second one that I’ve ever missed!   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow…

 - Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Reach Out And Hit Someone…

An 84 year old Eastpointe man is facing an assault charge after hitting the citie’s police chief in the head with a cell phone during a city council meeting Tuesday night.  Octogenarian Frank Zundl Jr. was shouting obscenities at the city council members when officers tried to remove him.  That’s when he whacked the chief, drawing blood.

Where was this guy when we needed him?  When Monica Conyers was on the Detroit City Council… (“Shrek! Shrek!” Ah, the good old days!)

He can always get a job as Russell Crowe’s official cell-phone thrower. 

“Gee That Verdict Smells Horrific!”

The big trial of the summer – former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s trial ended in an anti-climax.  The jury found him guilty of just one of 24 charges – lying to the FBI - and deadlocked on the rest.  The judge declared a mistrial on the other 23 charges and Prosecutors plan to appeal immediately.

OMG!  He lied to the FBI?  That SOB!

Blago’s excited about the prospect of another trial.  He loves showing off his hair during the “perp walk”. 

Besides lying to the FBI the only other unanimous verdict by the jury was directed at Blago’s barber…uh… hair stylist. 

It’s Okay to be “Medal”-some…

Yesterday, a San Francisco appeals court struck down the federal Stolen Valor Act that made it a crime to falsely claim to be medal-winning military veteran.  The case centered around a local water board member who lied about winning the Congressional Medal of Honor.  The Court said they weren’t endorsing an “unbridled right to lie,” but ruled that it was “not evident” that any harm was caused by such lies, so they were protected free speech.  

Okay then.  Did I tell you about the time I came within inches of taking out Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il by planting a bomb in their elevator shoes?  Unfortunately they were duds… the bombs and the targets! 

What a Tool!

British cricket star Graeme Swann was charged with drunk driving but gave the world a whole new excuse for DUI.  He said it was unavoidable because after returning home from drinking with friends, he found his cat trapped under the floorboards.  He claimed he had to drive to the store to buy some screwdrivers to rescue it.

Sounds like he drank a few screwdrivers, too!  In fact it sounds like he was hammered. 

Even the District Court of Appeals in San Francisco would have found him guilty on this one. 

The Doctor is Out

After a week of controversy over her repeated use of the “N-Word” to a radio caller, Dr. Laura announced that she is giving-up her talk show at the end of this year. 

She and Mel Gibson will team-up to do a morning show called “Wake Up You Mother %$#*&@’s”

Let Them Eat Cake! 

And a big Happy Birthday today to one of the biggest heartthrobs of the 1970’s, Robert Redford.  He’s 73.  (I can never remember if he was Butch Cassidy or the Sundance Kid. And at 73, chances are neither can he). 

And Roman Polanski turns 77 today. But he still feels like a 13 year old. He’ll mark the occasion by taking his current girlfriend to dinner tonight at Chuck E. Cheese. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

First of all, thanks for your heartfelt and insightful comments on Facebook yesterday regarding the site of the proposed Mosque only two blocks from Ground Zero.  The issue has obviously struck a nerve.  This is not in any way a religious issue, it’s a geographical issue.  After all, part of one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers landed on the roof of the building currently standing on the proposed lot.  As they say in real estate, it’s “Location.  Location.  Location.”  While the Iman who came up with the idea certainly has a right to build what he wants on his property, common sense and compassion for all who were affected by the horrific events of 9/11 would surely dictate that another location would be best for all concerned.

And now on with the news…

Arts, Beats & Packing Heats

Gun owners will be allowed to openly carry their weapons at next month’s Ford Arts, Beats, & Eats Festival in downtown Royal Oak.  Officials lifted the ban after hours of public discussion – with many fearing that mixing firearms with alcohol is not a good idea.

They always have alcohol at the festival – let’s hope this year no one ends up doing shots.

How much you wanna bet the men are going to ask their wives to carry the gun in their purse along with their wallet and keys?

I can hear it now:  “Is that a handgun in your fanny pack or are you just happy to see me?”

Gun supporters say it won’t really change the festival – although this year they’ll be putting on a special show for the kids:  “Goldi-Glocks and the Three Bears.”

NOTE:  For a funny and interesting commentary on the controversy, go to Royal Oak to allow guns at Ford Arts, Beats & Eats festival | freep.com | Detroit Free 

They Could Of At Least Used Whipped Cream!

Michigan’s own Senator Carl Levin got “Soupy Sales-ed” yesterday.  He was answering questions about his stance on foreign policy at a Deli in Big Rapids when a woman came up from behind and smashed an apple pie in his face.  Levin cleaned up and continued taking questions. 

The most amazing part… his glasses never moved off the tip of his nose.

Protesting the government… why, that’s as American as Apple Pie!

What a Twit!

Kevin Kristopik of Bloomfield Township had to change his phone number because of a weird connection with Justin Bieber.  Kevin got Bieber’s personal number through a friend and texted him repeatedly. Bieber took revenge by posting Kevin’s 248 area code and phone number on his official page and encouraged his more that 4.5 million Twitter fans to send texts to Kevin.  More than 26,000 of them did.  Kevin’s dad said his son is a fan of Biebers and hasn’t decided on a punishment yet. 

I think the fact that now Kevin’s guy friends know he’s a Justin Bieber fan is going to be punishment enough!

Traveling Can Be a Bear!

A poll of 6,000 British adults found that more than half still have a teddy bear from childhood.  It all started when a motel chain reunited over 75,000 lost Teddy Bears with their owners – and found that many were not children.  The adult owners said they find sleeping with their stuffed animal “comforting” and 25% said that “Teddy” reminds them of home.

I thought men in hotels usually sleep with someone WEARING a Teddy?

Big Al says he takes his childhood stuffed rabbit with him whenever he travels.  He named it after himself:  “Mr. Floppy”.

For Those Tired of Going Han “Solo”…

Over the weekend, Orlando hosted the “Star Wars Celebration V” convention – and for the first time, this year’s event featured “Star Wars Speed Dating”.  Participants dressed as Jedi’s, storm troopers and Princess Leia had just three minutes to talk to each other before moving on.

One guy dressed as Han Solo admitted he just did it in an attempt to “get a little wookie”.

The guy most girls wanted to see again?   The one with the biggest light saber.

Big Al attended the session but didn’t have much luck… I told him not to go with the “Jabba the Hut” costume.

It’s A Miracle!

Mel Gibson lost control of his $180,000 Maserati in Malibu, California Sunday night and smashed into a rocky wall.  Luckily he wasn’t hurt and amazingly enough police say he was NOT intoxicated at the time.

So obviously there’s some guy driving around Malibu in a Maserati impersonating Mel Gibson.

And Speaking of Cars…

On this day in 1896, the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was run down in Croyden, England.  The car was only going four miles per hour. 

Ironically, the car was driven by George Michael’s great-great-grand father.

The first thing the victim’s family did?  “They Called Sam’s great-great grand father”. 

Turned out the driver was strung out on COKE-a-Cola at the time. 

Have a great Tuesday… See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Do you have an opinion on the proposed Mosque just a few blocks from Ground Zero in New York?  You can join the conversation right now on our Facebook page.  Just click the link to the left and go!  And now, on with the news…

Here’s A New Way to Collect “Interest” At The Bank

Police in Paris are urging citizens to pay attention while using ATM’s after a man reported that he was robbed in a rather unusual way.  He had just entered his PIN when two attractive twenty-something women approached him.  One exposed her breasts – and the other took almost $400 American out of his account while he stood stunned. 

Pity the poor guy who’s now forced to pick out the culprits in that police line up! 

It’s Nothing To Thumb Your Nose At… 

Psychology Today reports that a French Researcher has scientifically proven that the bigger a hitchhiker’s breasts, the more likely she is to be picked up by passing motorists.  Among male drivers, 15% stopped for an “A” cup, 18% for a “B” cup and 24% for a “C” cup.

The only exception were men driving Toyotas.  No matter how big the hitchhiker’s boobs, they just kept on going…

So in case of a breakdown, every woman should have an emergency kit containing a flashlight, flares, and an inflatable bra.

Making Out and Making the Grade…

A new study reveals that teenagers who “hook-up” and have casual sex have more problems at school and get lower grades than teens that abstain.  But teens who have sex within serious relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don’t have sex. 

It actually improves their grades if they’re doing it with the teacher! 

The Games People Play

An international team of researchers using powerful computers loaned to them by Google has compiled every way that the Rubik’s cube can be solved.  The computers worked through billions of Rubik’s cube positions and proved that using the algorithm, or sequence of steps, the cube can always be solved in 20 moves or less.

I think the most efficient way to solve it is to put it away in a closet, forget about it, and let somebody else do it. 

Big Al thought Rubik’s Cube was where his friend Joe Rubik sits at his office. 

Don’t Forget to Buckle Up! 

Chubb Insurance is suing NYC over an $187,000 belt buckle.  One of their insurees went to jail for assault.  When he was released he said the jail authorities failed to return his bejeweled, gold belt buckle claiming that it was lost.  He collected the insurance money and Chubb is suing New York to get the cash back. 

In prison, Rule #1 is:  Always keep your pants up!

Elvis had a bejeweled belt buckle and a jumpsuit… so he would have had double protection if he’d ever been forced to do the “Jail House Rock”.   

Speaking of The King…

Today marks the 33^rd anniversary of his death at Graceland and Madonna turns 52 today. 

In honor of Elvis, Madonna is releasing a cover of his classic hit, “Kentucky Rain”.  Only now it will be known as “Kabbalah Rain”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"Fasten Your Seat Belts... It Was A Bumpy Night!"

And so it’s Friday… But not just any Friday – it’s FRIDAY THE 13^TH!

I know a lot of people believe it to be an unlucky day but, knock on wood, I’ve never been very superstitious.

I am, however, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty tired.  Why?  Well you may have heard on the news that last night was supposed to be the perfect night for viewing the “Persied Meteor Shower” – something that only comes around every 133 years or so.  The experts said that the optimum viewing time to see this spectacular show would be between 4am and 5am.  So, being the amateur astronomer that I am (okay, not really – but I did used to like the way Carl Sagan said “billions and billions”) I made the decision to get up in the middle of the night and check it out. 

I set my radio alarm clock, (not the one by my bed – the one in my head that is still programmed to get up early to do the show) and woke up promptly at 3:40a.m.  I put on my robe and slippers and headed out onto the driveway to watch the show.  It was a perfectly clear night, so my expectations were high. 

For the next half hour, I stood gazing upward - waiting to be amazed.  This was quite a risk for me, because if you remember, the last time I looked upward for a half-hour I passed out at the Sistine Chapel looking at the paintings of Michelangelo. 

While I stood there, I remembered that the meteorologist on TV had said that what we would see streaking across the sky wasn’t actually the meteor itself, but debris it left as it hurtled across space. 

Well guess what?  I SAW SOME DEBRIS!  Unfortunately it wasn’t from the meteor, it was the stuff some raccoons had left behind after knocking over my neighbors garbage can. 

As for the big Celestial event?  I saw nothing.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  Oh well, I’ll just wait for my next chance in the year 2143. 

Have a great weekend and don’t be afraid of this whole “Friday the 13th” thing.  I’ve always found April 15th a lot scarier!

See you Monday,

- Dick