"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Kwame + Two Cops May = Another Text Message Scandal!

Detroit’s two top cops, the recently dismissed Warren Evans and his replacement acting Chief of Police Ralph Godbee are, or have been, involved with the same woman, Detroit Police Lt. Monique Patterson. It all came out when in a possible effort to get more money in his termination settlement from the city, Evans’ attorney went public about text messages between Godbee and the woman who happens to be Evans current girlfriend. 

This Patterson chick is starting to make Christine Beatty look like a piker!

Who can blame her?  Don’t all women have a thing for a man in a uniform? 

Just Say Yes!

A new study out of Scotland found that one of the best ways to fight aging is to have sex.  Lots of it.  Researchers say it not only boosts immunity and fights heart disease, but the sweat released during sex releases oils that hydrate the skin and make it glow.   As for the big “O”… It releases hormones that relieve stress and can actually prevent wrinkles.    They concluded that sex three times a week can make you look four years younger.

This explains why Helen Thomas looks like she does.  She’s actually only 35. 

The study was conducted by the “Institute for Thinking Up More Ways To Get Women To Say Yes To Sex”.

If Justin Bieber starts sleeping around, he’s gonna end up looking like a 3^rd grader.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged…

People Magazine reports that – gasp! – Jennifer Lopez WILL NOT be a judge on “American Idol” next season.  Insiders say her demands were getting out of hand and Fox axed the deal.  Just to give you an example, when J-Lo shot a five-minute cameo on “Will & Grace”, she brought an entourage of 75 including an eyebrow specialist and an aide who did nothing but hold her coat.

Couldn’t she have just shared Ryan’s Seacrest’s eyebrow specialist? 

And to think they canned Paula Abdul when all she asked for was more booze in her Coke cup.

Adam Lambert says he not only does his own eyebrows, but his own mascara, guyliner and lipstick as well!

There Must Be Something in the Water in Pennsylvania!

Gary Matthews of Pennsylvania has asked a judge to legally change his name to “Boomer the Dog”.  Matthews often dresses in a dog costume for conventions and parties – and is involved in “furries,” a subculture of people who get kinky thrills hanging out dressed as animals.  Matthews says his parents were warming up to the idea before they passed away.

Actually he asked them after he dug them up from their burial plots in his backyard. 

The judge was slightly annoyed when Matthews rubbed his butt across the courtroom carpet during the hearing.

Gary says if he can’t change his name to “Boomer the Dog” he’ll just roll over and die! (or at least play dead).

His friends who also like to dress up say he’s “quite fetching”.

From Dogs to Ducks…

Pennsylvania resident April Megalon is suing Disney, claiming that while visiting Epcot, Donald Duck groped her breasts and molested her.  She claims it’s just one in a long line of similar incidents by costumed Disney characters.  She wants damages in excess of $50,000 for “severe physical injury and emotional distress”. 

If Disney loses the case, I hope they make Donald pay the bill!

What do you expect from a guy who doesn’t even wear pants?

As for Donald, he said of the woman’s breasts, “She’s a Small Girl After All!”

Speaking of Boobs…

Topless sunbathing has gone out of style on Italian beaches, but it’s not illegal.  Still, police have opened an obscenity file on a woman after a mother complained that the way the woman was rubbing sunscreen on her breasts was “troubling” to her 12 and 14 year-old sons. 

The boys have filed a restraining order against their mother so she can’t come to the beach with them anymore.

Hair Today… Gone Tomorrow???

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s jury announced that they are dreadlocked, um, I mean deadlocked…

They all think he’s guilty, but one juror, who works at a salon, can’t stand the thought of Blago having his beautiful hair ruined by some prison barber.

Lady of Spain I Adore Ya!

On this day in 1856, Anthony Fass received the first U.S. patent for the accordion. 

Which made life so much easier for strolling musicians who used to have to drag their cellos all over restaurants! 

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow! 

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Hey there and sorry about yesterday!  Computers are like condoms… they’re great when they work, but you’re really screwed if they don’t!

Now… on with the news!

“He Loves to Slide…and it Showed!”

Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who cursed-out a plane load of passengers over the intercom, grabbed a beer and exited the plane via the inflatable slide is being hailed as a folk hero.  Over 13 thousand people have already joined a facebook page in his honor – saying it was about time someone finally stood up to rude passengers.  His family says he “snapped” after getting hit in the head while two female passengers argued about overhead bin space. 

His lawyer is claiming temporary insanity – saying his mind was “not in it’s full, upright position at the time of the incident”. 

How’s he gonna get a decent paying job now?  Instead of handing out peanuts… he’ll be making them. 

Soda Way To Get A Job Is To Stay Sober?

Researchers from the Universities of Michigan and Pennsylvania have found that non-drinkers have a better shot at getting a job.  During a series of mock-interviews, applicants were given a choice of Coke or “the house Merlot”.  Those who chose the wine were seen as “less intelligent” and less worthy of hiring.

But much more fun to date!

The only exception was for those applying for a job with Pepsi.

The only people who can drink during an interview and for sure get a job are morning disc jockeys. 

From our old friend Jacques Cousteau Jr… Animals in the News!

Police in Buffalo, New York arrested Gary Korkuk on a traffic violation when they heard a cat crying in the trunk.  They opened it to find Korkuc’s cat in a cage, “marinating” in a mix of red peppers, oil, salt and chili peppers.  He said he had decided to eat the cat because it was “mean to him”.

I guess it’s okay for cats to be aloof and moody.  But mean? Forget it!

Maybe he just has an unusual way of making Chicken Cat-chatori.

Have you ever eaten cat?  It tastes like dog food!

Well that really Sucks!

Some neighbors in a town in Germany called for help when they heard horrifying screams coming from a nearby house while the owner was away.  Firefighters burst in to find a cat and a vacuum cleaner.  The cat had somehow turned on the vacuum and was screaming in terror. 

Screaming… that’s the exact reaction most husbands have when their wives ask them to vacuum. 

They calmed the cat down by putting him in a nice marinade of oil and chili peppers. 

On the bright side, his litter box was clean as a whistle. 

Can you sell Chesticles on Craig’s List?

Guo Qingpo of China held a record that he’s happy to get rid of – He had the world’s largest manboobs.  About ten years ago a metabolic condition kicked in and his pecs grew as big as footballs.  After years of ridicule he finally found  a doctor willing to perform a moob-ectomy and now says he feels like a new man.

We tried to reach Big Al for a comment on this story, but he was on a  plane to China.

I don’t understand why he had the surgery!  Aren’t football and big boobs every man’s dream?

If only there was a surgery that could remove all the man-boobs in Congress! 

He Should Have Seen It Coming…

The Moscow Times reports that a Russian man recently became furious when a gypsy fortune teller told him that she saw a prison stay in his future.  He attacked her, then killed two witnesses.  He was sentenced to 22 years in prison. 

With all the current charges against him, Kwame Kilpatrick has fired his attorneys and hired the fortune teller. 

“I Don’t Know Nothin’ ‘Bout Fixin’ Dresses!”

The University of Texas in Austin is asking for donations to help restore five of the dresses Vivien Leigh wore when she played Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind.  They say they need $30,000 to fix the worn fabric and tattered seams on the dresses which include what’s been called the most famous dress in movie history;  the green gown that Mammy made from the drapes.

If they don’t come up with the cash…  Where will they go?  What will they do? 

I’m not donating because frankly, I don’t give a damn!

And with that I am “Gone With the Wind” for today.  Hope yours is a great one and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Dick's Big "Braveheart" Weekend

This past Saturday, I made my first public appearance since my retirement from Radio back in March.  It was my “Coming Out” party of sorts.  And what better way to celebrate my “coming out” than by wearing a skirt!

Perhaps I should explain…

Over the weekend I had the honor of Emcee-ing the 161^st annual Highland Games at Greenmead in Livonia. It’s a celebration of everything Scotish – and in keeping with the theme, I donned a kilt.  (And trust me, after learning the hard way a few years back, I made sure to wear shorts underneath!)

The Highland Games is my absolute favorite event of the summer – a real family affair.  There are games for the kids, traditional Scottish delicacies (can you say “shortbread”?) athletic competitions, and of course, bagpipers.  Hundreds of them! 

I can’t describe how amazing it is to watch row after row of people, decked out in the different colors and paterns of their “clan”, proudly marching across the beautiful, hilly fields of Greenmead, followed by two hundred-plus bagpipers decked out in full regalia, playing Scotish tunes in perfect unison.  Truly remarkable! The only thing that could have made it more spectacular was if Lady Gaga had been the drum majorette! 

I got to watch all this from an open-air stage filled with Scottish officials and local politicians.  (Which worked out really well for the bagpipers when they ran out of hot air.) 

After the bands played, there were plenty of games and physical competitions including “The Caber Toss”, “The Stone Put”, and Scottish military battle reenactments.  (When the “Soldiers”, bedecked in traditional war garb fired their rifles simultaneously, Big Al jumped about a foot.)

Oh, yeah… I forgot to mention that Big Al was there with me.  He thought that the people at the games might want his autograph because of  his upcoming appearance on the new ABC television show, “Detroit 1-8-7”.  He was wrong!  But don’t forget to check out his Network television debut Tuesday September 21, at 10pm playing… are your ready for this… a Polka Band leader.

But I digress… Al was there to help me as I had the priviledge of judging the biggest event of the day - the annual “Tug-of-War”.  The event features a host of teams including The U.S. Army, The U.S. Marine Corps, The Wayne County Sheriff’s Department and the (defending champion) Livonia Firefighters, among others.  I judged each “pull” and then had the honor of declaring this years winner:  The U.S. Marine Corps team.  Kudos to The Marines and all of the tug-of-warriors!  

And a special shout-out to Rick Snyder and Virg Bernero who staged a one-on-one tug of war.  (As I write this they’re still pulling, so it’s too early to call!)

On a side note, Al actually came to the Games straight from visiting that fine Scottish lad, Kwame Kilpatrick at the Federal Prison in Milan, Michigan.  He said he had a very nice visit with the former mayor, although Al now realizes it was a mistake to wear a kilt into a men’s prison!  In fact as he left, he said the prison the inmates were still chanting “Big Cheeks Muskavito”!

All in all, it was a fabulous day and a first class event.  They even beefed up the security this year at Greenmead… This was the first time I ever had my sporn searched.  (confused?  Just Google “sporn”)

And it wasn’t only fun, it was educational; I found out that the Scotish community had a lot to do with the successful plugging of the leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.  They stopped the leak by filling the pipe with cement and Haggis. 

Have a great day… and if you get the chance, take a ride on an escalator. Why?  On this date in 1859, Nathan Amos patented the “moving staircase”.  Of course it was all downhill from there…

See you tomorrow!

- Dick 

Dick's Postscript to Big Al's Blog about his Upcoming National TV Debut on ABC's "Detroit 187"

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already got my DVR programmed for 10pm on September 21^st to catch Big Al’s Network Television Debut on “Detroit 1-8-7”.  I am thrilled for the big guy – I just hope that he doesn’t fall into the haze of booze and drugs that so often come with stardom.  God forbid he become “Big Al Lohan” or “Tiger Muskavito”.  But Jackie and I, (the “little people”) have vowed to help keep him grounded.  And when your Al’s size… that’s a pretty big piece of ground.  (Just kidding big guy!)

Anyway… reading Al’s blog reminded me of my own foray into on-camera work:  My starring…uh…supporting…uh…eleven second role in Beverly Hills Cop III.  (The fact that the movie was a complete failure compared to the first two films in the series doesn’t need to be mentioned here). 

I’ll never forget answering the phone and finding Director John Landis on the other end of the line.  After some brief Hollywood chit-chat (NOT) he asked if I would be interested in playing a disc jockey in the new movie he was shooting.  With radio as my first love, I’d never even thought about branching into film.  But why not?  A surge of adrenaline flooded my body and I heard myself saying, “Absolutely!  When do I fly out?”

It was then he explained that all he needed me to do was record a few lines at the radio station and send them to him.  I wasn’t going to be seen in the film, my voice would just come out of a boom box during a scene set in a chop shop.  Mr. Landis – or “John” as I like to call him - asked me to include the temperature and asked what I thought would be a good one.  “Well… how about 67 degrees?”, I said.  “Great!” he replied. 

And with that we hung up.  Soon after, my Canadian engineer John “Ankles” Stewart recorded me doing my lines.  For those of you who haven’t seen the movie (or did but chose to forget it) my lines went something like this:  “This is Dick Purtan…it’s 67 degrees and now here are the Supremes with ‘Come See About Me’.” 

I sent out the tape – and a few weeks later another call came in from John Landis.  This couldn’t be good.  Thoughts flooded my brain - I must have screwed up the role and he was calling to tell me they were going with someone else…  Not Jim Harper… No!  

Turns out he just wanted me to change the temperature.

The scene I was in featured a bunch of guys breaking into a chop shop in downtown Detroit while my voice came out of a radio boom box.  The problem was, the scene had already been shot and the guys were wearing jackets.  John Landis didn’t think they would be wearing jackets if it was 67 degrees, so we mutually decided to change it to… 57 degrees.  This now joins the ranks of other great script changes like: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” from the original “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a rat’s ass!”

So “Ankles” and I headed back into the studio and re-recorded it. 

The rest is cinematic history!  Although I will admit that I did suffer an injury as a result of all this.  When the guys break into the chop-shop they start shooting and the boom box radio was caught in a spray of bullets. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was shot in both my woofer and my tweeter.   But, hey, that’s Showbiz. 

I occasionally get royalty checks (some as high as 3 dollars!) for the 11 seconds I was in the movie and am still waiting for the phone to ring with my next role on the silver screen.  It doesn’t have to be a starring role,  as Big Al mentioned in his blog, “there are no small parts”.  (And I’d like to add that in Big Al’s case “There are only actors with small parts”). 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick

Big Al Prepares for His Network TV Debut!!!

Lights, camera, action – somebody pinch me!  A couple of weeks ago I had my first ever big time prime time network TV audition and…I GOT THE PART!  Not an “extra”, a real live speaking part!  (More later about my role, but remember what they say:  “there are no small parts”)  The show is entitled Detroit 1-8-7.  It’s a drama about a Detroit homicide unit, and its been getting a ton of press lately.  The show is scheduled to debut Tuesday, September 21^st at 10:00 p.m.  It’s the first prime-time television series to be fully produced right here in Detroit.  Some of my “co-stars?”  On the guys side:  Michael Imperioli who played “Christopher”, James Gandolfini’s nephew on the “Sopranos”, and James McDaniel from “NYPD Blue”.  And the ladies:  Aisha Hinds (“True Blood”) and Erin Cummings (“Spartacus: Blood and Sand”). 

And the Emmy Goes To…

My role?…A POLKA BAND LEADER AT A WEDDING!  They had me play it straight but I was dying to break into a Lawrence Welk impression.  (I’m pausing for a moment to give you a chance to stop laughing)  Everybody okay?  Okay…Obviously I can’t give away the plot but rest assured my 5 lines are delivered at a very critical part in the show.  (“I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille”)

Highlights of My Prime-Time Television Debut…

- During my audition, I blew my lines twice before getting it right!  Come on, I only had like five days to memorize them.  But I guess I made a good impression.  I will never forget getting that phone call saying I had been awarded the part.  (Note to aspiring actors – wear a pair of “Depends” to your first audition)

- I got my own dressing room with air-conditioning and a private bathroom!  And my name was posted on the door!  HONEST!  I couldn’t believe it.  And I was given permission to keep the sign for a souvenir, which of course yours truly FORGOT TO TAKE!  No worries, I embarked on a one-hour round trip journey BACK to downtown Detroit at 11:00 at night to retrieve it.  (I hope an Emmy nomination for me will drive up the price of my dressing room sign on eBay).

- The day of the shoot was extraordinary.  I was a sponge soaking up so many different experiences.  My scene was shot on the Detroit Princess River Boat and lasted about 7 hours.  And I actually got to sit in one of those director’s chairs, only mine said “Cast”. 

- It was so great to hear the gratitude and high praise Detroit received from the cast and crew.  I heard it first hand from Director Kevin Hooks and lead actor James McDaniel, just to name a few, who both gave our city and its people glowing marks for their hospitality.  (More accolades for Motown can be found by reading Free Press columnist B.J. Hammerstein’s interviews with actors Michael Imperioli and Erin Cummings in this past Sunday’s Free Press).  I was sure to thank everyone I could for bringing the much-needed work to Michigan.

- The free food was great!

- My love scenes went really well.  (Okay, okay, okay, a guy can dream, can’t he?)

That’s a wrap…(Some final thoughts)

-  So, will I make the transition from radio to TV/movie star as well as Dick Purtan?  Time will only tell.  Thank goodness I had D.P. as an acting mentor. 

And the envelope please…

- There are just so many people to thank.  First and foremost, to my agent Olga Denysenko from “Productions Plus – The Talent Shop”.  Thank you for believing in me and working so hard on my behalf.  I couldn’t have done it without you!

- And what would I do without my family?  The sacrifices you’ve made and continue to make are…(THIS IS WHERE THE ORCHESTRA INTERRUPTS ME)…

Thanks everyone for allowing me to share this very exciting event in my life.  Stay tuned!  I hope there’s more to come!  (Of course now I’ll have to be more selective about what roles I accept.  And if you believe that, I’ve got an oil well in the Gulf I’d like to sell you).

All the best!

Big Al 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Kwames’ Mommy…

After seven terms as a U.S. Congresswoman from the 13^th District, Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, the mother of our currently incarcerated former Mayor lost in yesterday’s primary to State Senator Hansen Clark. 

On a happy note, now she’ll have a lot more free time to visit Kwame in the Slammer! 

Now she can get back to the things she loves… gardening, knitting, and baking cakes with files in them.

I guess with the family’s history of legal troubles, this time voters just weren’t willing to “turn the other Cheeks”.

“Says who?  Says me!”

Democrat Virg Bernero, dubbed America’s “Angriest Mayor” for his rants favoring federal bailouts for the auto companies will battle self proclaimed “Tough Nerd” Republican businessman Rick Snyder to become Michigan’s next governor.

The personalities of these two guys makes it sound like a fight during recess on the school playground… We could save the state a lot of money by skipping the election and just letting “the bully” and “the nerd” have a staring contest by the monkey bars. 

They’re Gonna Need a Lot of Windex…

Yesterday, two Republican Senators released a report called “Summertime Blues”.  It lists the 100 most wasteful spending projects in the $862 billion dollar stimulus bill.  Highlights include over $500,000 to replace windows in the Mt. St. Helens visitor center (which is closed) and a cool million to send researchers to India to study exotic ants. 

While they’re in India, maybe they can find the guy who had me on the phone for an hour and a half trying to fix my computer. 

$500,000 for windows?  They could have saved a lot of money if they’d just called 1-800-Hanson’s.  (They get it done!)

Unlimited Salad and Breadsticks! 

Saturday in Florida a woman met a man in the parking lot of an Olive Garden for a blind date.  He got into her car, pulled out a gun and demanded money.  She gave him 90 bucks and he took off running. Police caught him later and he told them he had spent the money having dinner at the Olive Garden. 

Later on the woman said he was kind of cute and admitted she’d like to see him again when he gets out of jail. 

Too Big to Rollover (Minutes)

A phone survey by the CDC suggests that Americans are getting a little more honest about how fat they are.  27% of phone respondents admitted being obese, compared to only 25.5% last year.  The actual U.S. obesity rate is 34 percent, so not everyone is honest. 

Big Al says he missed the survey call because he was out having lunch at the Olive Garden that day. 

He’s going to have to have his kilt let out for the Highland Games in Livonia this Saturday. 

Will He “Say Cheese” When They Take His Mugshot?  

A man named Ronnie from NYC has invented a new career:  Grilled Cheese pusher.  He started out making the sandwiches for a few friends, but demand increased and he now makes and delivers them in brown bags to people on street corners for $5 to $7 dollars each.  Now he’s afraid the health department will come after him since he doesn’t have a license. 

My mom used to make really good grilled cheese sandwiches too and she only charged me three dollars! 

“So… A Needle Pulling Thread”

Jonas, a man from Sweden, told the local press that after cutting his leg on his kitchen stove he went to the local emergency room, where sat around for over an hour.  Tired of being ignored, he grabbed some surgical thread and a needle, sewed up his own leg and went home.  He is being charged with “unauthorized use of medical equipment”. 

This gave the people in the US Congress an idea to save money.  Under the new healthcare bill, everyone will get a free needle and thread. 

Justin Time for V-Day!

16-year-old Justin Bieber shot down a rumor that he has signed a book deal to write his memoirs.  However, he does plan to star in a movie about his life that will open on Valentine’s Day of 2011.

The title of the movie:  “Leave it to Bieber!”

R U ACLU Kidding Me? 

Tuesday, the New York Landmark Commission cleared the way for a giant mosque to be built by Ground Zero, which the ACLU hailed as victory for tolerance…

If that’s true, I can’t wait to be able to buy a kosher hot dog at the Deli next door! 

And Finally…

Sandra Bullock has topped Forbes’ new list of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood with an income of over $56 million in 2009. 

Upon hearing this news, her ex, Jesse James, bought one of those “I’m with Stupid” T-Shirts with the arrow pointing directly at him!

Have a great day… See you tomorrow!

- Dick

Dick & Gail's Not So Excellent Adventure...

As I mentioned on Friday, there were two big weddings in New York State this weekend; Chelsea Clinton’s and my sister Mary Lou’s daughter, Meagan. 

Being family and all, Gail and I opted to go to my nieces wedding.  (That and the fact that we weren’t invited to the Clinton nuptuals).

The wedding was to be held in our hometown of Buffalo on Saturday at 2:30pm.  Due to a commitment Friday night, we decided to “hit the highway” at 8:00a.m. Saturday morning.  Having driven to Buffalo about a million times, I knew we would make it in under five hours – giving us plenty of time to “Get to the Church on Time”.  And I  wouldn’t even have to break the speed limit (although some say I have a habit of doing that… like virtually every cop in the Metro area).

Still, having been a Boy Scout – and thus “always prepared”, I had suggested that we dress for the wedding before leaving, just in case.  (With the exception of panty hose – Gail’s, not mine).  Bottom line, we were golden.

And so we tooled happily along highway 401 listening to our favorite Lady Gaga, uh, I mean Frank Sinatra CD. 

And then, around 12:30, as we were getting close to Niagara Falls a large sign caught our attention: “Expect One to Two Hour Delays at the Bridge to USA”. 

Uh oh!

I immediately got out my cell phone and called my sister, the Mother-of-the-Bride, who was in the midst of arranging a gaggle of bridesmaids for the pre-wedding photo shoot.  I told her about the sign – and that we might not make it - and she said very calmly and nicely, much to her credit, “not to worry”.  Her husband, Larry is Canadian and they’ve made they’re way over the border too many times to count.  She assured me that the signs are very often wrong. 

Luckily, she was right. 

NOT! 

As we got closer to the bridge we came to a dead stop – along with what appeared to be a million other cars.  At this point I’m thinking, “Is everyone in Canada going to this wedding?”  A scant hour and forty-five minutes later, we finally pulled up to the Customs and Immigraton Booth.  It was 2:35pm.  So basically, as the clergyman was asking, “Who gives this woman to marry this man?”, a border agent was asking me, “Do you have any firearms in your vehicle?”. 

After the formalities, I asked the customs agent if traffic was always this heavy going into the States on a Saturday afternoon.  “Oh no,” he responded.  “Just on Canadian Civic Holiday Weekends”.

How could I have forgotten?  The first weekend in August is ALWAYS a Civic holiday in Canada.  Where were Jacque and Frenchy LePuke when I needed them? 

When I asked why so many were headed to the states he said, “Shopping”.  (Apparently they have cheaper prescription drugs, but we have better prices on things like jeans and toilet paper). 

Just out of curiosity, I inquired as to whether the traffic would be as bad coming back into Canada the next day (when we planned to return).  “You bet, he said.  The earlier you leave the better”.

So we finally made it across the border but completely missed the wedding.  “Luckily, the reception isn’t until six,” said Gail.  Hand my wife a lemon and she’ll make the best lemonade in town.

With a few hours to kill until the party, we opted to stop at “Ted’s Hot Dog Stand” – our favorite spot since high school… on the way to our hotel.  Did we look ridiculous sitting in the most casual restaurant in the world, me in a suit and Gail in a beautiful dress and heals?  Probably!  But at that point after an almost seven hour trip we didn’t really care all that much.     

The reception (which we got to ON TIME thank you) was lovely.  We were seated at a table with a man who had been friends with my late father for years.  His name was Tommy and at the age of 89 was in better shape than I ever hope to be.  In fact he and his LIVE-IN girlfriend, Terry, (did I mention that he’s 89????) danced every song from the Hustle to the Macarena.  Between turns on the floor, he told me a story about my dad.  “Your father,” he said with a smile, “he was really something.  You know he and I used to drive up to this restaurant in Toronto with our women on Monday nights all the time.”  “Why?” I asked. (After all, Toronto is about an hour-an-a-half drive from Buffalo).  “If you bought one meal… you got the second one free”. 

Knowing my Dad, that answer made perfect sense.  He added that on one of their 3-hour-round trip jaunts to Toronto to save ten bucks on dinner, a heavy fog covered the freeway.  Tommy said you could barely see the road, but instead of slowing down, my father, who was behind the wheel sped up.  “Don’t you think we should take it easy,” Tommy recalled asking my dad.  “It’s dangerous to drive this fast”. He said my Dad replied, “The faster we get through the fog, the faster we’ll get out of it”.

Again, knowing my Dad, that answer made perfect sense. 

The next day we were invited over to Mary Lou’s for a “Post-Wedding-Out-of Town-Guest Lunch” at 12 noon.  We were torn… Echo’s of the border agents warning, “The earlier you leave, the better” were battling with a feeling of obligation to attend the luncheon.  After all, we HAD missed the wedding. 

So, of course, we skipped the lunch and headed home early.  We only had to wait five minutes at the border and got back to Detroit in 4 hours and 58 minutes. 

I can’t wait to see the pictures of the wedding.  I’ll bet it was beautiful! 

- Dick

"The Week that Was…"

Ah, Friday.  The day of the week that seems to come so much less often than Monday!

Taking a quick look back…

Shocking news from American Idol… Ellen DeGeneres quits; Kara DioGuardi has been fired – and according to reports, the show will go to a three judge panel featuring singer Beyonce, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler and longtime judge Randy Jackson.  Or as the three might be known for short: “Butt-Ugly-Dawg”. 

Just don’t tell me Ellen quit because she’s wants a shot on Dancing with the Stars.  Don’t we see her dance enough on her own show???  Personally I preferred Elaine’s dancing on “Seinfeld”…

Two big weddings in New York State this weekend… Chelsea Clinton and my sister Mary Lou’s daughter, Meagan.  Guess which one I’m invited to? But had I been invited to the Clinton wedding, I would have been confronted with the question:  What do you get the girl who’s dad has had everyone?  For her sake I hope she isn’t “marrying a guy just like the guy who married dear old mom”!

Kwame was in town yesterday.  He was deposed behind closed doors for five hours in the Tamara Greene case.  If you remember, Miss Greene was one of the alleged tap-dancers, uh, I mean “lap-dancers” at the alleged party at the Manoogian Mansion back in 2002.  Months later, she was shot and killed while riding in a car.   

While lawyers are keeping mum on what Kwame said, the lawyer for Greene’s family says he was “responsive”.

I’m sure Kwame was “responsive” during the alleged lap-dance at the alleged party as well…

From Depositions to Dopplers…

We found out this week that Jerry Hodak will be retiring as head meteorologist at Channel 7 in September after 45 years.  I remember a picture of Jerry and me taken at a charity event, but unfortunately I can’t find it.  It was a real “Hodak Moment”…  I did find a picture of myself with Mr. Belvedere but I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to put that up on the blog today.  Then again, I need a little work done on the house.  I guess I’ll “call Tyler 8-7100 for a home improvement date”… because afterall, he assured me, “We Do Good Work!”

As for my personal life… Very busy this week.  Mowed the lawn, watered the flowers, tinkered in the garage. NOT… (on the last one).  

I actually spent a lot of time with the family.  Caught 7 year old Jack and Adam’s playoff game.  They lost. I considered starting a riot among the parents but decided against it. 

That’s it for now.  Enjoy the last weekend of the best month of the year… July!  And I’ll look for you back here Monday!

- Dick

The Old Guard Is Changing...

Jerry Hodak has announced he is retiring from his television weather forecasting duties on Channel 7 in September, after a 45 year Detroit television career.  “The Chief” as they call him at Channel 7 has been on Detroit television airwaves longer than anyone else.  As someone who is enjoying every single minute of his retirement, I wish Jerry and his wife Peggy all the best and hope they have as much fun as Gail and I are having! 

This morning I called Sonny Eliot to see how he was doing, and while he’s feeling well, he too, is thinking of hanging up his weather Doppler one of these days.  He’s 90 now and still does the 4:18 and 5:18p.m. daily weather forecasts on WWJ Radio.  As I hung up the phone with Sonny this morning, I said, “Sonny, it sounds to me like you’ve still got it.”  And he instantly replied, “And if I can find it… I’d like to get rid of it!” 

And of course, longtime Detroit TV News Anchorman Jac LeGoff passed away this week at the age of 89.  I remember one night watching the Channel 4 evening news – anchored that night by Jac LeGoff and his co-anchor, Margie Reedy.  In those days the set was triangular with the two news anchors on either side… and the sportscaster’s position between, but behind them – like the point on a triangle.  After finishing a story, Jac announced, “It’s time now to take a look at sports… with our own Al Ackerman.  Al…” he said smiling, as he turned to find an empty chair.  After an awkward moment of silence, his co-anchor jumped in and said, “… Who is of course reporting live tonight from Tiger Stadium…Al?”  As they cut to the shot of Al, the entire studio - anchors and crew - erupted in laughter.  Ah, showbiz!

And now on with a brief look at the news of the day…

The President made a guest appearance on “The View” today, and tonight, in an effort to reduce the deficit, will make a guest appearance on “Wheel of Fortune”.

It’s So Down To Earth!

Astronomers have announced that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that a massive asteroid 18 hundred feet across could hit the earth before 2200 causing massive destruction.  They estimate a target date of September 24, 2182.

Damn, I had money on the Lions to win the Superbowl in 2183!

President Obama is hoping the Asteroid will land in Arizona.

It’s so huge, it’s been named the “Kardashian Asteroid”.

It’s So Hard to Find a Mother-Of-The-Bride Pantsuit! 

Wedding consultants are now estimating that the cost of Chelsea Clinton’s wedding this weekend could balloon to over $5 million… including $11,000 for the cake, $50,000 for her designer bridal gown, and a quarter million to rent the estate where the wedding will be held.  Our investigative team has uncovered some other details about the event…

- Al Gore will provide masseuse services for all the guests.

- Janet Reno will provide security.

- The train on Chelsea’s wedding gown is being provided by Amtrak.

-In an unusual twist, Bill will escort the Bride and all of the bridesmaids down the aisle. 

-The flowers will be provided by a Little Rock, Arkansas company, “Flowers by Gennifer”.  

Have a great day… Back tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

The President’s scheduled appearance on Thursday’s episode of “The View” is raising eyebrows.  Some say his “guest shot” on the chat fest will lower the dignity of the Presidency. 

Wait… I thought Bill and Monica did that? 

He could appear on Jerry Springer and he would still show more dignity than Congress. 

I can’t wait to hear Barbara Walters ask Obama, “If you were a twee, what kind of twee would you be?”

The tough questions will probably come from Elizabeth Hasselbeck… that is if you can hear her through the duct tape over her mouth. 

Fun for the Whole Family!

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to report to rehab within 24 hours of her release from jail, but she’s not too happy with the idea.  She says she wants to spend some quality time with her family first.

If only she had a quality family…

Her plans include suing her father, then doing shots with her mother. 

She Got The Short End of the Stick…

A woman in India has been ordered to pay $4440 U.S. to her estranged husband for citing his impotence as grounds for divorce.  She married him nine years ago – but left after 3 months claiming that she “could not have conjugal bliss, as he was impotent”.  The man counter-sued her for “defaming his manhood and rendering him unmarriageable”.  The judge sided with the man. 

He also claimed his wife ruined his chances of joining the Indian version of “Up With People”. 

“Defaming his manhood” – isn’t that was marriage is all about?  (Just kidding ladies!  Just kidding!)

The man’s mistress, a “Miss Cialis”, testified that he had no problems in the bedroom.  

There’s Dumb & Dumber & Then This Guy…

William Morse of Cincinnati showed up in court for a misdemeanor hearing wearing a T-Shirt featuring the murderous doll Chucky from the “Child’s Play” movies with the tag line:  “Say Goodbye To The Killer”.  The judge sent him home saying his attire was inappropriate.  The man’s excuse?  He got up late and didn’t have time to change. 

Ironically, the man’s attorney was wearing an “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirt with the arrow pointed right at his client.

Noah’s Dork

Police in Austria stopped a driver who appeared “jumpy” – and it turns out he had good reason.  He was trying so smuggle in over 60 animals he’d bought from a bankrupt wildlife park in Holland and planned to resell.  The animals included dozens of parrots, small mammals, peacocks, birds of paradise and six kangaroos. 

The guy was “jumpy” because one of the kangaroos kept kicking the back of his seat. 

He never should have let the peacock ride shotgun!

Turns out the parrots had called the cops before he even left the wildlife park.    

Speak Up!  I Can’t Hair You!

55-year-old Radha Bajpai of India already holds the world record for the longest ear hair at 5.2 inches but wants to update that because the hair is now 11 inches long.  One of his relatives said people used to taunt him, but now realize that “he has really achieved something in life”.

The old ear hair record holder?  Howard Binkpaltonakowski.

Eleven inches of ear hair is impressive.  But if he had eleven inches of NOSE hair… not that would will really be something!

A few inches longer and he can use it as a scarf around the collar of his Nehru jacket. 

Too Horny in Italy?

Police in Pievebelvicino, Italy, arrested a man who had finally had it with those vuvuzela horns so popular during the World Cup.  People at a bar near his home wouldn’t stop playing the horns, so the man drove his car repeatedly into the front of the bar.  Police took him in for psychiatric evaluation.

Doctors diagnosed him as “the sanest man in Italy”. 

This guy has given angry Lions’ fans a bad idea! 

Have a great middle-of-the-week day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow! 

- Dick, Jackie & Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

After weeks of speculation it was announced that BP CEO Tony Hayward will step down and be replaced by an American executive.  But don’t worry about him… He’s reportedly getting a $23 million dollar golden parachute – including a $930,000 a year pension and a possible position with BP’s Russian operation.

I think he should be thrown out of a plane with a golden parachute… with a big hole in it.

When he heard how much money he was getting he positively GUSHED!

The really bad news is that Hayward’s being put in charge of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.

Talk About Digging Your Own Grave…

Britain’s Sun tabloid reports that UK’s version of the IRS busted a man for a bizarre scheme to evade taxes.  They claim he took $210,000 U.S. and buried it in his aunt’s grave.  Allegedly he planned to leave it there until the 20-year time limit for tax investigations had passed.  He was turned in by his local priest and the police dug up the money.

Police say they have a lot of dirt on this guy… of course not as much as is on his aunt.

So it’s true:  You Can’t Take It With You… but your dead aunt can hold onto it for a while.  

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Grave Robbers”.

“Doe A Deer a Female Deer…”

17-year-old Kacee Larson of Conrad, Iowa has been nicknamed “The Deer Magnet” because deer just keep running in front of her car.  She’s hit five deer in the last year alone.  Her pastor’s wife suggested that she pray before getting behind the wheel.

Shouldn’t the deer be the ones praying? 

On the bright side, she makes one heck of a Venison Stew!

She’s thinking of trading in her mini-van for a slower moving, less dangerous vehicle: A John Deere Tractor. 

We’re Not Yolking, Honest!

A man in China’s Yunan Province is applying for a Guinness World Record.  He claims he’s had a laying hen since 1988 – making her 22 or 400 years old in human terms.  He says she’s in fairly good health and has laid over 5,000 eggs during her lifetime. 

Question:  Why did the oldest chicken cross the road?  Don’t ask the chicken, it can’t remember.

She’s laid over 5,000 eggs… which breaks the record of a chicken once owned by Wilt Chamberlain. 

Can We Talk? 

President Obama will make history this Thursday when he becomes the first sitting American President to ever appear on a daytime talk show. Which show you ask?  The View!

I’d tune in to hear what he has to say but lets be honest, with him sitting in the middle of all those women, he’s not gonna get a word in edgewise.

I wonder if they’ll have him sit on Whoopi’s cushion?

Elizabeth Hasselbeck has already been put on a Valium I.V. Drip.

Have You Got a Light? 

On this day in 1586, Sir Walter Raleigh arrived in England with his first load of tobacco from Virginia.

The very next day Queen Elizabeth the First proclaimed, “Smoke ‘em if thou’s got ‘em!”

Is That A Carrot In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Believe it or not, Bugs Bunny turns 70 today…

Thanks to the Viagra we finally know the answer to the question, “What’s up Doc”.   (His ears, of course!)

Have a great Tuesday and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick, Jackie & Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands!

According to the annual Gallup World Poll, Scandinavians are the happiest people on earth.  The poll is based on a series of questions about overall life satisfaction including whether respondents are well rested, pain-free and intellectually engaged.  American’s ranked 14^th, right behind Brazil.

The unhappiest people were American women getting Brazilians.

Sweden only won because Elin Nordegren is from there – and her happiness over the $700 million divorce settlement from Tiger threw off the curve.

The “intellectually engaged” part eliminated every one who’s ever dated Britney Spears or the Olsen Twins.

The Apple of His Eye

Stefan Magadalinski came up with a creative way to give his wife a practical birthday gift while making it seem romantic.  He bought her an iPad, but instead of putting it in the Apple box, he wrapped it in plastic and had it dipped in gourmet chocolate to look like a giant candy bar.  He says she was thrilled when she cracked the chocolate and found the iPad.

NOTE TO MEN:  This may work with an iPad, but don’t expect a great reaction if you give her a chocolate dipped vacuum cleaner.

Technically the iPad wasn’t a chocolate bar…it was more like a “Candy Apple”. 

So Fourteen is the New Six!

British actress and “Mad Men” star Christina Hendricks is being celebrated as great role model for women.  She’s a size 14 and is proud of it.  In fact Esquire recently named her “The Sexiest Woman Alive”.  She says she’s proud of her full figure and says of her size 36C breasts, “They are fabulous”.

Most women would prefer to be a size 14 if everything they ate went straight to their boobs!

I am like such a totally big fan of Art…

80 Year old Gordon Clement of Georgia was surprised to discover that a painting he bought for a few bucks, then failed to sell for $25 dollars at a local auction turned out to be worth a lot more.  As he was driving home a relative noticed something moving around inside the frame.  Turned out to be $4800 worth of pot.  He said he was a nervous wreck driving home knowing how much marijuana he had in his car. 

He reported the incident to the cops…. Right after he polished off three burrito supremes and a bag of Doritos. 

At 80 years old, it can use all that pot for his glaucoma!

Ironically, the painting featured Cheech and Chong playing poker with a bunch of dogs.

Speaking of Canabis, uh, I mean Canvas…

On this date in 1656, the Dutch master artist Rembrandt declared bankruptcy. 

Today, of course, he is remembered for his most important work:  The Rembrandt Tooth Whitening Strip System.

If Mona Lisa had only used it… maybe she wouldn’t have been afraid to smile and show her teeth!

“I’m Ready For My Close-Up…”

The latest craze in movie making seems to be losing it’s appeal.  Ticket sales for the latest batch of 3-D films have been steadily declining. 

I’d settle for a decent 2-D movie… just too many one-dimensional characters. 

In other cinematic news…

On this day back in 1928, the first all-talking feature film , “Lights of New York”, opened in NYC. 

President Calvin Coolidge, who attended the premiere, called it “a boring chick-flick”. 

These days, the audience talks more than the actors do. 

And finally…

Happy 67^th Birthday to Mick Jagger.  He still performs, but now he sings, “Hey, hey, you, you, get offa my lawn!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick, Jackie & Big Al

Mr. Michigan at the Ann Arbor Art Fair! A Classic Purtan's People Moment!

With the Ann Arbor Art Fair in full swing this weekend we couldn’t resist reliving one of our favorite bits… Doc Andrews as “Mr. Michigan”! This classic sketch was written by the late, great, Gene Taylor.  Enjoy this trip down Memory Lane and have a great weekend!

- Dick, Jackie & Big Al

Click Here to Listen to the One and Only Doc Andrews!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Big Day for the “K”! 

A judge ruled yesterday that starting today Kwame could be released to “mingle” with the general population at his new prison home in Milan!  He’s going to make so many new friends!  Imagine the fun… a pick-up game of basketball, a stroll around the yard, trading a pack of smokes for an Escalade… Good times!  Good times!

Farewell to “The Chief”…

Detroit Police Chief Warren Evans resigned (was fired) after a six and a half minute video surfaced of him auditioning for a reality crime TV show.  Mayor Bing wasn’t happy and let him go.  

Why bother with another reality crime show?  All you have to do is watch the local news every night.  

The next logical move for former Chief Evans:  An appearance on Dancing with the Stars!

An Inconvenient Accusation…

The National Enquirer is reporting that two more female massage therapists have come forward claiming that Al Gore sexually assaulted them.  One works at a hotel in Tokyo, the other in Hollywood.  She claims Gore called her to his luxury hotel room while he was in town for the Oscars.  When he arrived he allegedly dropped his towel, pointed to his – shall we say – “extremely happy little Veep” – and said “Take care of THIS”.

Isn’t that what good politicians do?  Delegate responsibilities?

This gives a whole new meaning to, “I serve at the pleasure of the Vice President”. 

Maybe Al just thought sex with a masseuse was part of the standard “Oscar Nominee Goodie Bag”.

Police are allegedly dusting the room to see if they can identify his Carbon Footprint.

Which reminds us…

Happy Early Birthday to Monica Lewinsky!  She turns the big 37 tomorrow.  To show all is forgiven, Hillary even sent her a gift: A CD of Mitch Ryder’s “Devil With The Blue Dress On”. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen… The Beatles!” (Piano)

Abbey Road Studios in London is selling their old studio piano – the same one heard on many of the Beatles records.  It’s covered in cigarette burns and coffee rings and although it’s been played everyday for decades, they claim it still sounds good.  It’s expected to bring in about $225,000.

If Yoko Ono buys the piano and starts playing and singing, her neighbors plan to take Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and smash it.  

Hey, once you sand off the cigarette burns and coffee stains and slap on a fresh coat of varnish, that piano will be as good as new! 

On a similar “note”…

An auction company in Chicago will sell the autopsy tools used on Elvis Presley, along with his casket shipping invoice and toe tag.  They hope to get about $8000 for the lot.  Before you get out your checkbook, you should know that the toe tag is actually a replacement.  It reads “John Doe” because the original was stolen from the hospital by a fan.

When hospital workers discovered the theft, they said “The toe tag reading “The King” has left the building”!

Elvis in Heaven… It’s sort of the ultimate case of “Return to Sender”. 

If you’re interested in buying the toe tag you’d better act quick!  “It’s Now or Never”…

“An Affair to Forget”

A new survey of 1000 Australians found that nearly half believe romantic comedies have ruined their view of an ideal relationship. They said the warm and fuzzy cliche-filled flicks made them believe their partner should know what they’re thinking, give gifts “just because” and expect fireworks and a happy-ever ending to their relationships. 

That explains it!  Mel Gibson has been watching one too many Romantic Comedies. 

One thing most people would agree on:  “It’s Complicated”.  

Have a great day!  See you tomorrow!

- Dick, Jackie & Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

I had a warm fuzzy feeling this morning that I couldn’t explain… and then I read the headline and it all made sense:  “Kwame Kilpatrick Moved Closer to Detroit”. Now I understand! 

Kwame has been transferred from a prison in Manistee to the Federal Corrections Institution in Milan, about 15 miles south of Ann Arbor.  The Kwamster’s lawyer said access to a legal library and a computer will better allow his client to prepare a defense against federal fraud and tax charges.

And the computer will make it a whole lot easier to send e-mails to his lady friends!  Those carrier pigeons took forever!

He’s really excited about the library… Kwame loves “Text” books!

By the way, inmates at Kwame’s new home include Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian accused of attempting to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas Day.

The only difference between the two is one concealed a bomb in his underwear and the other one’s life exploded because he couldn’t keep his underwear on! 

Speaking of Prison (and Underwear)

Lindsay Lohan woke up in a California prison this morning (the same one Paris Hilton briefly visited), and chances are, she’s not in a happy mood.  While incarcerated she’ll be forced to used cheap, generic brand shampoo, she can’t smoke, drink, wear hair extentions, use a cell phone or Twitter.

And here we were worried about the torture at Gitmo…  

When she heard she wouldn’t be able to have hair extensions, she allegedly begged for the death penalty. 

On the bright side, she’ll be around bars 24/7! 

There are 8 million stories in the Naked City…

84 year old Hugh Hefner told the New York Post that while he’s gotten used to seeing naked women over the years (unlike Big Al), he has not become “desensitized” to female nudity.  He says he’s always been “a tradition-bound romantic”.  As for big boobs, Hef says if you’re born without them, “one understands that’s what cosmetic surgery is for”.

He is a traditional romantic!

As for Hef’s private parts… “one understands that’s what Viagra is for”.

He may have gotten used to seeing naked women… but there isn’t a woman on the planet who can get used to seeing him naked. 

Labors of Love…

Angie Cromar of Murray, Utah, stunned doctors by conceiving two babies, a boy and a girl, a week apart.  The babies aren’t twins and are due at different times.  Turns out she has an extremely rare condition called “Didelyphs” which means she has two uteruses.  The odds of conceiving in both at the same time are one in five million.

Maury Povich is devoting an entire season to figuring out who the fathers are.

Actually for privacy purposes, the babies had requested “adjoining wombs”.

If only the Octomom had this condition, she could have carried 16 babies that she can’t take care of!

While we’re on the subject of Mothers…

Happy belated (by one day) Birthday to my daughter Jessica, the proud mother of the “Amazing Preston” and the “Equally Amazing Jack”.  I meant to mention it yesterday but I was so emotional about the whole Lindsey Lohan prison-thing I forgot… 

Have a great day and see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

ABC News has finally found hard evidence of the $800 BILLION stimulus bill creating jobs.  All over America there are signs posted along roads, touting a stimulus funded project and the slogan, “Putting America Back to Work”.  In many places, nobody’s actually working on the projects, but about $20 million has been spent hiring people to make the signs. 

Well, that’s just a “sign” of the times.

What happened to the good old days when a “Stimulus Package” meant a prescription for Viagra?

 While we’re on the subject, please sign on the dotted line…

John Marcotte of Sacramento is against California’s Prop 8 gay marriage ban, so he’s collecting signatures to get his own proposition on the ballot.  It would ban divorce.  He says banning divorce is a much more effective way of protecting the “traditional marriage” than banning gay ones.  But he’ll need 700, signatures to get the measure on the ballot. 

Mr. Marcotte says he has 699,999 signatures locked up; now if he can just get his wife to sign on!

Mel Gibson says the idea is a bunch of @#*#@!

If the “No Divorce” law passes… Larry King is going to have to move out of state.

Speaking of Young Women Larry King Could Eventually Marry…

Filipino pop star Charince Pemperngco claims she was under “tremendous pressure” to “look fresh on camera” during an upcoming guest shot on the show “Glee”.  So she got Botox and an anti-aging Thermage skin-tightening facial.  Oh, did I mention she’s only 18?

Joan Rivers was said to be shocked – despite the fact that she was unable to change facial expressions. 

When I was 18 I did stuff to look better too… I used Clearasil.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Be Older…

To mark Beauty Month, QVC TV polled 2000 men and women on the subject of attractiveness.  Surprisingly, a majority of both sexes said that confidence, style and personality were more important to attractiveness than youth.  When it came to the question “at what age does a woman look most beautiful” the most often mentioned response was 31.  

After that… it’s all downhill. 

They also say wine becomes better with age… And we all know the more you drink, the better-looking people become! 

So technically, Betty White is a lot hotter than Megan Fox.

If Only He’s Had a Dingy To Hold Onto…

66 year-old Candido Dominguez was on his sailboat in Tampa Bay, Florida when it overturned.  He tried towing it to shore but got too tired so he swam to a nearby bridge.  With nothing else at hand, he took off his trunks and began waving them for help.  A deputy saw the naked man and stopped to pick him up.

How come when he does that, the police come help him; but when I do it, they tell me to get dressed and leave Wal-Mart?

At first the cops just thought he was a fisherman with a pretty impressive lure…

Candido is lucky he got noticed at all considering the “shrinkage factor”.

 “Let Them Eat (a lot of) Cake!”

Hall hunt of Florida is the ninth-ranked competitive eater in the world – famous for downing 68 hamburgers in 8 minutes.  After he began dating Emily Wright in 2008 she took up competitive eating too.  They married recently and the ceremony pitted the bride and groom in a wedding cake eating contest.  The bride won. 

Love is never having to say “Are you gonna finish that?” 

The Groom has been in traction ever since he carried his bride over the threshold.

Big Al wants to know if the bride has a sister. 

The Moon and The Stars…

On this day in 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin became the first and second men to walk on the moon. 

The third man to walk on the moon?  You guessed it… Michael Jackson.

Sadly, ask any teenager today who Buzz Aldrin is and they’ll tell you… “Oh, yeah, he’s that old geezer from Dancing with the Stars”. 

When Push Comes To Shiv…

And finally… a special shout-out to Lindsay Lohan who has begun serving her 90 prison sentence, although due to the fact that she’s a celebrity…uh… I mean over-crowding, she’ll only serve 23 days.

Having gotten her start in Disney films, walking into her cell gave Linsday a whole new appreciation for the song, “It’s a Small World Afterall”. 

Have a great day… See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

"Notes From A Broad... I Mean Abroad!"

I’m back…

And you didn’t even know I was gone!  Gail and I just returned from a European Cruise – a sort of birthday/retirement/let’s get-away-from- the-kids-for-a-while celebration.  (Just kidding about the kids part).  We had an amazing time!  Set sail from Venice which is a lot more like Detroit than you might think.  I could have sworn I saw inflatable orange construction barrels floating all over the canals…

We made stops in Turkey, including Istanbul which “was once Constantinople” (for our junior listeners/readers that was once a hit song), Greece (I thought about joining in an anti-government protest but decided I wasn’t up for being tasered) and the incredible Italian Amalfi Coast.  We then went on to the equally beautiful French Riviera.    

On a side note:  My daughter Jennifer and her husband Neil traveled with us and I have to give Kudos to Neil.  His luggage arrived on the ship four days before the cruise ended.  He bought a couple pair of shorts and some T-shirts.  Fortunately he handled it well or we might have had another “Underwear Bomber” on our hands…

But the highlight of the trip came on day ten, when we visited 93 degree hot Rome and had a four hour tour of the Vatican. (Unlike Gilligan and the other castaways who took “a three hour tour…  A three hour tour”). Just prior to the end of the tour, we were in the Sistine Chapel (along with hundreds and hundreds of other people packed into the room) gazing up at the ceiling admiring the work of Michelangelo.  As the tour guide continued to give us every last detail on the history of it all (remember, this is at the end of a FOUR HOUR TOUR) I suddenly started feeling lightheaded and nauseous.  Realizing I needed to sit down, I made my way over to a little ledge packed with weary tourists.  As best I could I wedged myself in between two fellow visitors and sat down, at which time I’m thinking, “Would it be sacrilegious to toss your tortellini in the Sistine Chapel?” 

The next thing I remember, my panicked wife, Gail (at least she told me she was panicked) was shaking me and pouring water on my face.  In that semi-conscious instant, I thought I had been elected Pope and was being blessed with Holy Water.  Turns out I was just “Pope Dick-the-Dehydrated”.  NOTE TO SELF:  Always take extra bottled water when going on a long tour.  (Much of the Vatican is not air-conditioned). 

In retrospect, I’m glad I’m not the Pope.  I don’t look good in big hats!  (Neither does Aretha Franklin, but that’s another story).

Because we hear so much about Europeans not liking Americans, here’s a little side note:  As we were trying to make our way through the Barcelona airport, I asked a Security official if we were headed for the right line.  He said, “Yes,” then looked up at me and smiling, added, “I LOVE AMERICANS!”  I’m guessing he could tell from my accent – or maybe it was the white tennis shoes I was wearing.  In Europe, you seldom see people wearing white athletic shoes… they’re usually black or dark brown. 

All in all it was a great trip… but to paraphrase the great Frank Sinatra Song…

“It’s very nice to go trav’ling, to Paris, Naples and Rome

It’s oh, so nice to go trav’ling

But it’s so much nicer

Yes, it’s so much nicer to come home!” 

See you tomorrow!

-Dick

The Salacious Rumors Must Stop!

Big Al would like to clarify something for the record…

“There was NO inappropriate TOUCHING…HONEST!!!”

(Photo courtesy of Wendell Leadbetter…Thank You Wendell!)

Hi, Big Al here! Welcome to a Friday!

Do we even get into the latest news about Kwame?  Accused of sexual misconduct in prison?!  But what a relief…IT WAS WITH HIS WIFE FOR A CHANGE!!!  Okay, enough about Kwame, why ruin our weekend.

How ‘bout that storm Thursday?  I haven’t experienced that much wind since I went to an “all you can eat buffet” in Mexican Village. 

Speaking of “wind”.  There was actually a “wind delay” at the British Open today.  (Now referred to these days as just “The Open”)  Tiger Woods is several strokes off the pace.  I guess he really misses that club his estranged wife Elin put through the window of his car.

Can it really be the start of the second half of the baseball season already?  And July 4^th has come and gone!  Please summer, slooooow down!  Someone told me they saw “Back To School” stuff in the stores. Nooooooooooo!

Let’s all hope that new cap on the oil leak holds up.  Words really don’t describe the tragedy of that situation.  But did they listen to me?  I told ‘em weeks ago to plug that hole up with Kwame.  But nooooooo!  We could’ve been out of this mess already!

And finally, if you’re like me, you like to catch up on your sleep on the weekends.  Well, if you’re having trouble in that department, you might want to go mich.gov., the State of Michigan’s official website.  I understand they’ve added info on the issue of “bed bugs!”.  Great, just when I was getting used to the monster under my bed!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!  Be safe and have fun!  Oh, and of course, don’t let the bed bugs bite!

All the best,

Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Bill Clinton Back in the Oval Office.  (I hope it was a supervised visit!)

Yesterday President Obama met with both investment guru Warren Buffett and Bill Clinton regarding the current state of the economy.  Clinton was the last Democratic President who presided over budget surpluses and was seen as pro-business, so Obama invited him back to the Oval Office to give him some tips.

But only economic tips.  Although Bill said he’d also be happy to offer the President dating tips.  And that’s when the First Lady stepped in and ended the meeting.

Bill later offered an apology over his attire.  Reportedly he wore shorts, sandals and a “Parrot Head” t-shirt because he thought he was meeting with Jimmy Buffet, not Warren Buffet.

Love is a Many Splendored Thing…

In a shocking announcement, Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol told Us Magazine that she and baby daddy Levi Johnston are engaged again!  Johnston recently apologized to the Palin family for lying about them and posing nude in Playgirl.  19-year-old Bristol said the announcement would come as a surprise to her mom, too, because the thought of her reaction would be too “intimidating and scary” for them to tell her in advance.

When Sarah Palin heard the news she grabbed her rifle, made Levi dress up as a moose, and gave him a five-minute head start. 

Bristol and Levi don’t plan on expanding their family anytime too soon.  As a matter of fact, until they’re officially married, they only plan on rubbing noses together. 

From the You Can’t Make This Up Department…

A policeman in Munster (I love their cheese), Germany, won an extra week of vacation to compensate him for the time he spends getting dressed.  Martin Schauder calculated that it took him 15 minutes a day to put on his full uniform and weapons before work, and 15 minutes to take it off afterwards.  He said that added up to 45 hours a year of overtime that he should be paid for.  When his bosses refused, he took it to the city’s administrative court and WON AN EXTRA WEEK OF VACATION TIME EACH YEAR!

Finally, women will be making twice as much men for the same job.  (Just kidding, no e-mails please!)

In fairness though, don’t you think the officer should DEDUCT a half-hour for casual Fridays?

And This Little Piggy Went to the Hospital…

Monday in Gurnee, Illinois, two off-duty employees at Six Flags Great America theme park were held by security and charged with battery for allegedly beating up Porky Pig.  Witnesses say the two young men took a photo with a colleague dressed as Porky Pig, then suddenly began punching “the pig” in the head 10 to 15 times.  The head was large and padded, but the mascot suffered headaches and a stiff neck.

…And a stutter.

Please feel free to chime in with your own corny jokes.  Here’s ours…

The two employees were sentenced to two years in the pen…pig pen.

They were also charged with threatening to “spiral slice” the mascot.

When the pig mascot was asked if the two employees did anything else wrong, the pig replied… “ba-dee, ba-dee, be-dee-that’s all, folks!” 

Yep, that’s all folks!  Get ready for the weekend!  See you tomorrow!

Dick