"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

It Goes Over Great In the Talent Competition…

18-year-old Laura Copeland has an unusual duel ambition:  She hopes to win the beauty pageant she’s in and also become a mortician.  She’s says due to working part time at a funeral home, she already has many of the skills needed, such as styling hair and make-up on dead people, which also come in handy for beauty pageants.     

Except the dead people are usually, but not necessarily, more lifelike than the beauty queens. 

When the “Antiques Roadshow” Goes Bad 

70-year-old John Joslin of California is facing charges of assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly trying to keep a 64-year-old man from beating him to a yard sale.   The Sheriff said both men arrived early to the sale and were walking up the long driveway when Joslin tried to get there first by tripping the other man, and when that didn’t work, by hitting him over the head with a five-pound, cast iron cornbread pan.

You always want to be first in line at a yard sale!  That way you can buy the best junk and leave the really crappy junk for the other guys. 

The victim dropped the charges after the 70-year-old sold him the cornbread pan for a buck-and-a-half.  

Victorian Secret 

Men might be happy that “Mad Men” has brought female curves back in style, but they might not be so happy that it’s also causing a surge in “Granny Panties”.  Apparently women want “more coverage in their underwear” beneath their micro-mini skirts and shorts.  Experts say G-Strings can’t give you accentuated curves - for that you need high waisted, old-style panties that pull in your waist.  But they warn they must be snug not saggy, because you don’t want to look like you threw on “nana’s curtains.”

Why not?  Grandpa apparently found them pretty sexy.  If he hadn’t, chances are you wouldn’t be here today! 

“Going” Once… “Going” Twice…

Saturday in London, John Lennon’s old toilet sold at auction for $14,740 US…10 times the pre-sale estimate.   He used it from 1969 to 1971. 

It’s the toilet that dozens of famous guests threw up in after having to listen to Yoko sing after dinner!

The new owner has reported nicknamed the commode:  “Let it Pee”. 

Father Knows Best?

Lindsay Lohan’s estranged Dad, Michael Lohan, is moving to California to open his own drug and alcohol rehab clinic. 

So if you have drug and booze problems… see Michael and let him do for you what he’s done for his daughter!  

Long Live the King! 

Other economic indicators are weak, but Elvis impersonators are looking up.  The Manager of The Doo Wop Shop music store in Louisville, Kentucky says that he’d seen no Elvis impersonators in a year, then last week two came in for paraphernalia.   And that’s a sign that the party business is coming back.  

So it looks like its time to sell your stocks and bonds and invest in companies that make rhinestones, blue suede shoes and jumpsuits with huge collars. 

The guy next-door at the Sandwich shop disagrees, saying sales of peanut butter and nana sandwiches are still as flat as last year. 

They Thought He Had A Screw Loose…

On this day in 1842 a man was granted a patent for a machine that made nuts and bolts.  That, of course, begs the question… What did he put the machine together with?  

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

“I’d Like To Teach the World To Snort…”

Paris Hilton was arrested, then released, in Las Vegas late Friday night.  Cops pulled over an Escalade she was riding in with her boyfriend when they noticed a trail of smoke coming from the car that smelled like pot.  Upon investigation, police found a small amount of cocaine in Paris’s possession.  She says she’s not worried… that “it’s no big deal”.  Experts predict she’ll get probation. 

She said the Coke thing was just a mistake.  She thought she’d bought Pepsi. 

Why oh why couldn’t she have been pulled over in Turkey or Thailand? 

She said there was a bright spot to her arrest.  The booking officer was HOT!

Mall Talkers 

Saturday a huge crowd from across America packed the National Mall in Washington for conservative talk show host Glenn Beck’s “Restoring America” rally.  Beck and speaker Sarah Palin said the rally wasn’t about politics – but about restoring America’s honor and having faith in God. The most controversial part was the crowd count.

There was just a slight discrepancy…  Fox News reported 1 million people attended while MSNBC claimed only 10 people showed up. 

And Keith Olbermann said they were the “10 Worst People In The World!”

Two Great Reasons To Vote For This Guy…

Breast implants are big, so to speak, in Venezuela but the bad economy has caused a lot of people to cut back on plastic surgery.   That gave National Assembly candidate Gustavo Rojas a great idea for funding his campaign:  He’s raising money by raffling off free breast implant surgery. 

His campaign slogan is, “A Chicken In Every Pot… and An Implant In Every Breast!”

I finally understand why they call it a “Campaign Chest”!

So if you’re a breast man and you like inflation, vote for Rojas!

“Eat, Drink & You Won’t Be Able To Do Mary” 

According to a new survey by the Nutrisystem diet company, many Americans would give up just about anything to lose 10 to 20 pounds.  A large number said they would give up a job promotion, throw away their cell phones or stop watching TV in order to have a toned stomach. 

But if they give up TV… how are they going to find out how to order all those “Not-Available-In-Stores-Amazing-Stomach-Toners”? 

NOTE TO MEN:  52% of women surveyed said they’d rather give up sex for an entire summer than gain 10 pounds.

So when you take your wife out to dinner – don’t let her order anything but salad!

Let’s face it, Americans would give up just about anything to lose weight – except food.   

There Was a Doctor in the House!

Al Pacino picked up an Emmy last night for lead actor in a movie/mini-series for his role in “You Don’t Know Jack” – the story of our own Dr. Jack Kevorkian.  And guess what?  The good doctor himself was in the audience and rose to salute Pacino as he accepted his award. Jimmy Fallon hosted the ceremony and got good reviews.

Fallon was good… but Dr. Kevorkian killed!

There was so much Botox in the room, Dr. K said it was just like being in the morgue – except the people had clothes on. 

Geoffrey Feiger not only loaned Kevorkian his own personal hair stylist for the event, he actually flew him out to LA.  On his own back!  (Super Feiger…Up, Up and Away!)

BONUS VIDEO!

We thought Jimmy Fallon did a pretty good job last night – and the best part was his musical tribute to some popular TV shows that have finished their run.  Click below and enjoy…

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"The Week that Was…"

A lot of important things happened this week…

- The controversy over the proposed mega-Mosque just two blocks from Ground Zero reached a fever pitch…

- The always handsome Mahmoud Amedinejhad took off his “Members Only” jacket long enough to announce the opening of Iran’s first nuclear reactor and unveiled the country’s first unmanned drone-bombing plane, which Mahmoud called “the ambassador of death”… as Sgt. Sacto would say… “Ooooohhh, scary!”

- And Salmonella poisoning caused a massive, nationwide egg recall that had grocery stores scrambling.

But there’s one story that I feel is incredibly important, yet got very little coverage in the Press:  Can Hooters girls be overweight? 

Apparently, it’s possible.  A Michigan judge has okayed two lawsuits against Hooters filed by waitresses saying they were wrongfully fired for being “too heavy”.  A Hooter’s spokesperson claims the girls are actually “entertainers” and therefore have to meet certain requirements.   

The Hooters Girls are entertainers???    Shouldn’t they be charging some kind of cover charge?  Silly me, and all this time I thought they were just waitresses wearing tight t-shirts. 

I feel better now that I got that off MY chest.  Oh, by the way, on a side note… Big Al just got hired as a waiter at a new Mexican restaurant called “Tooters”.

Hard to believe we’re getting close to Labor Day Weekend.  Not the official, but to me, the end of Summer… my absolute favorite season of the year. 

The back-to-school commercials are all over TV.  And as a matter of fact, my grandso…um, my daughter, Jill’s son, Matthew, has already been back in school for almost two full weeks. 

Hop on the freeway and you’re bound to see cars packed with dorm room paraphernalia – including the obligatory futon strapped to the roof or sticking out the back.  (As a father of six girls, I know how happy all you dads are helping your daughter move in a piece of furniture that’s not only a couch…but converts into a bed!)

And walk into just about any store – and you’ll find yourself face-to-face with Halloween stuff.  HALLOWEEN???  My ears are still ringing from the 4^th of July Fireworks!  I’m not ready for Candy Corn and Witches Costumes… (although I’ll admit the Nancy Pelosi mask I saw was pretty realistic). 

Sure fall is beautiful in Michigan, but I’m just not ready for it.  I want Frisbees not Football!  Sunscreen not Sweatshirts!  I’m going to hang on to summer with everything I’ve got. 

And, yes, I will wear white after Labor Day!   

Call me crazy… a renegade… I don’t care.  This may be the last weekend of August but, to paraphrase the poet Dylan Thomas, “I will not go gently into September”. 

In fact, I may wear my Speedo until it snows! (Not)

Have a safe, happy weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick

P.S.  On Labor Day itself I will be co-hosting the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy telethon along with my daughter, JoAnne.  We’ll be on the final three-and-a-half hours from 3pm to 6:30pm on Channel 20.  Hope you’ll donate to this very worthy cause!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

I’m Just Sari This Didn’t Happen Sooner…

Ford Motor Company is expected to announce today that they will launch eight new vehicles in India by 2015 as it tries to gain market share in the rapidly growing automotive market.

So they’re basically trying to curry favor with Indian drivers. 

Ford’s slogan in India will be:  “Have You Driven a Ford in Sandals Lately?” 

It’ll be nice knowing that the Indian guy you spend hours on the phone with trying to fix your computer drove to work in an American car.

To make the Indians more comfortable, Ford will drop “Horsepower” and replace it with “Sacred Cow Power”.

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That!

In an interview with the Atlantic Magazine, former RNC Chairman and President Bush’s 2004 Campaign manager Ken Mehlman revealed that he is gay.  Mehlman is the highest-ranking Republican to come out of the closet.

Ironically, it was the same closet Bill Clinton used to hide Monica Lewinsky in when Hillary dropped by the Oval Office.

Former Senator Larry Craig has refused to take a stance on the announcement… but when he does you know it’s gonna be a really wide one! 

Democrat Barney Frank said, “I always knew I liked Ken… now I know why”. 

I Just Hope He Didn’t Get the (Polite Golf) Clap!

In what she says will be her only interview, Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she was “blindsided” by Tiger Woods multiple affairs and wanted to save the marriage but just couldn’t trust him anymore. The former Mrs. Woods said that she never hit Tiger with a golf club and added “Money can’t buy happiness, or put my family back together.” 

Although she did admit, “it could possibly make things a little easier”!!

But still not as easy as Tiger’s mistresses were!

On the bright side for the kids, $500 mil should be enough to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. 

She may not have hit him with a golf club, but she did do some damage to his putter. 

Finally, Something Green In Washington That Can’t Be Spent By Congress!

Jim Henson’s widow Jane has donated the very first Kermit the Frog to the Smithsonian along with some other Muppets.  Kermit made his debut in the 1950’s and looked a lot different than the one we know today.  Mrs. Henson said the original was made from two ping-pong balls and Henson’s mom’s old, faded green felt coat.

If Jim’s mom had had a gray coat, we would have ended up with Kermit the Toad. 

The Swedish Chef will be unable to attend the unveiling ceremony as he was just hired by Elin Nordegren to cook for her kids. 

Bert and Ernie, now life partners living in San Francisco, were unavailable for comment.   

And Miss Piggy?  She was so touched by the gesture she actually cried “puppet-tears”.  (Get it?!)

Oh What A Webbed Lawn Chair We Weave!

Listen up suburban dads!  Archeologists digging up Roman ruins found a Centurion’s sandal with fibers stuck to it.  They believe that means the sandal was worn with socks!  They also found evidence of socks in 14 Roman Graves. 

So even 2000 years ago there were Roman men sitting on their porches yelling, “Hey thou kidseth, get thineselves off of mine lawn!”

ON A SIDE NOTE:  It’s a little known fact that Roman Chariot drivers often reported seeing one lone sandal by the side of the road. 

So this many years later,  I find out my dad was cool and hip after all! 

Business is Way Up!

While businesses everywhere are hurting, the recession actually seems to be helping the sex toy industry. Experts think couples would rather spend their money on something that lasts – unlike an expensive dinner. Even Amazon.com is now offering 60,000 “adult toys” that are selling quite well.

It’s okay to buy them new from Amazon… but just stay away from the “previously enjoyed” stuff on E-Bay.

So a lot of people aren’t waiting for Christmas morning to open something that says, “batteries not included”.

Forget the government!  We Americans know how to create our own Stimulus Package!

And finally…

Check out what is perhaps the greatest racehorse call in history…

Have a great day!  See you back here tomorrow for my Friday Blog…

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Sad News On Two Fronts Today…

Nancy Dolman, wife of the great comedic actor Martin Short has died of Cancer at the age of 58. RIP. 

And Edward Kean, head writer of the “Howdy Doody Show” and the man credited with creating the expression, “kowabunga,” has died at the age of 85 in a nursing care facility in West Bloomfield.  He even wrote the theme song, “It’s Howdy Doody Time” and the word “kowabunga” is still popular today, thanks to Bart Simpson.

There must be some kind of local connection because, not only did he die here, but - TRUE STORY – the puppet Howdy Doody is stored in a box at the Detroit Institute of Arts.  Sadly, Howdy has been locked up longer than Kwame! 

Howdy Doody and Kwame have something else in common…Everything they did in their careers came with “strings attached”.

There’s a rumor going around that “Howdy” was at that non-party-party at the Manoogian Mansion.  Howdy got lucky.  He left the party just as Kwame was about to throw another log on the fire.

Goin’ Postal 

More than 3000 American Postal Workers Union Members from across the country walked from Cobo to Campus Martius yesterday.  Donning blue shirts, they chanted “Five day, no way”! in protest of the Congressional proposal to cut Saturday mail delivery.  The Postal service lost $7 billion last year and delivered 25 billion fewer pieces of mail. 

No mail on Saturday?  What’s next… no Free Press or News on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday?  Oh, wait a sec… 

Actually it’s a great idea… one less day to get bills! 

If the proposal passes, it’s gonna confuse a lot of dogs. 

So now parents of college students are gonna have to wait two whole days to find out that they’re kid didn’t write ’em a letter.

He’s Just Puttering Around The House… 

Things just keep getting worse for Tiger Woods… his game is off, he just signed a $100 million-plus divorce settlement and now it turns out sales of Nike’s “Tiger Woods” brand of golf apparel are way down.  A sports business professor says that what made people buy Tiger’s clothes was his “aura of perfection” both on and off the course; he doesn’t think he can get that back.

The only person who thinks Tiger still represents perfection?  Sandra Bullock’s ex - Jesse James. 

On a bright note, Nike’s “Tigers Do It In The Woods” T-Shirts are selling like hotcakes!

Tiger is going to have to hire another caddy just to carry his emotional baggage!

He Almost Had Paris… 

Early Tuesday morning a man reportedly tried to break into Paris Hilton’s home in LA by banging on a window with a brick.  He was also  carrying two knives and the cops think he was a deranged fan.

NOTE:  Isn’t anyone who claims to be a fan of Paris Hilton technically “deranged”?

Paris turned the whole thing into more publicity…  She tweeted her fans how scared she was while the man was still being arrested, plus news helicopters got shots of her running out onto her balcony wearing only a towel.

And the most shocking part… It wasn’t a Hilton Towel.  It was from the Motel 6!

Hello Norma Jean…

In a Poll by Clairol’s Nice “N” Easy hair coloring, Marilyn Monroe was named the greatest blonde of all time.  She was followed, in order, by Grace Kelly, Brigitte Bardot and Cameron Diaz.  Amazingly making the list…coming in at #20… was Paris Hilton. 

I don’t know if she’s nice, but I’m pretty sure she’s easy.

#21:  Geoffrey Feiger

And Finally…

On this day in 1973, the CAT Scan (Computer Assisted Tomography) was first used on a patient.  

I told a friend of mine a CAT Scan joke.  He’s Canadian and it took him six months to get it. 

Have a great day!  And oh, by the way, if you have a suggestion for a blond who should be in the top five (or at least replace Paris Hilton) post it on our Facebook page!  More tomorrow…

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

It’s Over “Fore” The Woods’

So it’s finally official… Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren surprised the tabloids by appearing together in court in Panama City, Florida to execute a secretly negotiated divorce agreement and officially end their marriage.  They issued a statement saying that the happiness of their children “has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”  Elin’s settlement is rumored to run anywhere from $100 million to five times that. 

Tiger should have cheated on his golf score instead of Elin… it would have been a lot cheaper.

I thought it was kind of tacky that Tiger brought along his caddy to pick out which pen he should sign the agreement with.

Although he’s been off his game lately, Tiger vows to get it back in the upcoming “Masters and Johnson Tournament”.

So look at the bright for Tiger… he’s losing a lot of money, but he get’s to keep his clubs and balls. 

This Will Really Put Her On The Map… 

Last night, Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarette, was crowned Miss Universe at the pageant in Las Vegas.  Unfortunately Miss USA, Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih, didn’t even make it into the final 15.  Donald Trump, who runs the pageant will give the new winner a salary, clothes, jewelry, a luxury New York apartment and pay her tuition to the film academy. 

You know, all the stuff you need when your main goal in life is to help achieve world peace.

So Miss Mexico won, eh?  I bet it never would have happened if the pageant had been held in Arizona! 

Another example of a Mexican taking an American’s job…

NOTE:  Whenever I think of pageants… I can’t help but think of the inspired, thought provoken answer given by Miss Teen South Carolina a few years ago… Just click on the link below and enjoy! 

Abs-Solut Workout!

The David Barton Gym Chain has added something unusual to their gyms in Chicago, Miami and New York:  cocktail hour.  The owner cut a deal with a vodka company and all this month, customers can trade their usual protein smoothies for vodka and orange juice screwdrivers.  He says he’s not pushing alcohol but that, “It’s better to work out and drink than to not work out and drink.”  The gyms motto is “Look Better Naked”.

After a few screwdrivers doesn’t everybody look better naked?

Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson immediately signed up for a Lifetime Membership.

The owner has renamed the chain “Gym and Tonic”. 

They should put out a line of exercise videos and call them “Sweatin’ to the Smirnoff’s”.

General Tso’s Traffic

With China’s economy booming, the Chinese are buying cars faster than they can build highways causing severe traffic problems.  In fact 400 police have spent the last nine days trying to untangle a traffic jam on a Beijing Expressway that is over 60 miles long and involves thousands of cars and scattered accidents.  It’s expected to last until September.  For now, drivers are camping out and playing cards while vendors have shown up to sell food and other items. 

A traffic jam that lasts for weeks?  That’s just plain Wong! 

The most popular dish being sold by the vendors?   Almond Boneless Chicken! 

In China they only have a choice of two lanes of traffic:  Column A or Column B. 

Nostril-Damus Never Predicted This… 

On September 24^th, Guernsey’s Auction House in NY will give bidders the chance to own a piece of the Statue of Liberty’s nose.  It’s a 2-foot-long copper nose tip left over from the Statue’s restoration in the 1980’s.  Four potential replacements were made.  An auction spokesman said the one up for bids is “the tip of the nose with the area around the nostrils.  It doesn’t sound like it… but it’s fairly attractive.”

So apparently the restoration committee had four noses made but didn’t pick this one.

This is perfect if you’ve got a lot of money to blow…

If you buy the nose you can put up a sign in your home reading:  “Give me your tired, your poor, your nasally congested…” 

The winning bidder will get the nose and a really big bottle of Afrin.  

Have a great Tuesday!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Miss Teen South Carolina

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Somebody’s in a Bad Mah-Mood!

Over the weekend, Iran fired up its first nuclear reactor, which it swears will be used only for peaceful purposes.  Iran also unveiled its first unmanned drone-bombing plane, which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called the “ambassador of death”. 

I thought Jack Kevorkian was the “ambassador of death”…

All he is saying… is “Give Peace a Chance” – and if you don’t, he’ll kill you.

Speaking of People Who Want World Peace…

America’s first Muslim Miss USA, Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih will attempt to win the “Miss Universe” title in tonight’s pageant.  And she’s dedicated the barely-there costume she’ll wear to the President’s work “to bring peace to the world.”  It’s a Victoria’s Secret Angel style version of an eagle with gold lame wings and not much else.  Rima calls it a celebration of “life, liberty and all that is American”.

One look at her chest and they’re going to change the lyrics of “America the Beautiful” to “From C to shining C!”

When the Taliban heard about her costume, a bunch of them exploded… and they weren’t even wearing suicide vests.  

UFOhhhhhh!

Yesterday was “Go Topless Day” – an event celebrating the anniversary of women getting the right to vote. Rallies were held around the country, promoted by the Raelian religious cult that believes humans were put on earth by UFO’s.  They believe it would please the alien scientists who invented our bodies to see them sans clothing. 

Thank God Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist and not a Raelian!

NOTE:  A Raeliean spokeswoman says some men do come to gawk and take pictures, but “they get used to seeing women’s bodies and return to normal within an hour”. 

It’s a good thing it doesn’t take four hours… then they’d have to go directly to the hospital! 

I saw my first naked woman when I was 12 and I still haven’t returned to normal!

Big Al doesn’t believe any of the Raelian UFO nonsense, however he does believe the topless part.

Al also supports the Raelians by wearing a sports bra for his manboobs every day of the year. 

A Human ATM

19-year-old Nicholas Ryan Harris was being booked into a Florida jail on charges of DUI and pot possession when the cops gave him a strip search.  They were startled when dollar bills started falling out of his rear end.  By the time they were done, a total of $45 dollars had dropped from his derriere. 

What happened to the good old days when people hid money under their mattresses? 

Gives a new meaning to the word “Assets”.

“I Can’t Come To The Phone Right Now… I’m Robbing a Bank”

Police in Eden, New York, are looking for a bank robber who was caught on video taking a cell phone call DURING THE ROBBERY!  They suspect it was his getaway car driver, reminding him that he’d forgotten to put his mask on. It was still hanging around his neck. 

The cell phone company’s slogan?  “Reach out and Rob Someone”.

Great Scot! 

Last week in Devon, England, Scottish bagpiper Bill Millin died at 88.  He became famous in World War II when he came ashore on D-Day and stormed the beach at Normandy with no weapon other than his bagpipes, playing Scottish songs to inspire his fellow British troops.  He was even portrayed in the movie “The Longest Day” – which gained him worldwide notoriety.  Two German snipers interviewed after the battle were asked why they didn’t shoot Millin as he came ashore, and they said they assumed he was insane and wanted to die.  

The real reason he wasn’t shot was that the German’s heard the bagpipes, started screaming and ran away.

He was responsible for capturing more German’s than Sgt. York. 

“Bach to the Basics”

A Reader’s Digest survey of over 1500 people found that while 61 percent of people say they like some classical music, they have no idea who wrote it.  Most people not only couldn’t tell Tchaikovsky from Vivaldi from Rossini, but four percent identified Bocconcini as a classical composer.  It’s actually a type of cheeseball from Italy. 

Reading further in the survey, I found out that Rossini wrote “The Barber of Seville”.  I always thought Bugs Bunny wrote that… and that Beethoven was a St. Bernard. 

And isn’t The Lone Ranger’s real name William Tell? 

Have a great Monday!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"My Crusin' Memories..."

It’s kind of strange not being a part of things this year;  after all,  I’ve been in 13 of the last 14 Woodward Dream Cruises!  (I only missed the first one because I hadn’t moved to WOMC yet!)  As I’m sure you do, I have a lot of memories from cruises past – the following are some of my favorites…

- Although we never had a major rainstorm on Dream Cruise Day, a few years ago we were threatened with some pretty amazing lightning.  I can still remember Big Al, Jackie, Dana, Ankles and I standing high above the street on a metal – yes METAL – platform with a metal, yes METAL roof as we saw severe lightning strikes coming closer and closer.  We suggested that instead of waiting to be killed, we make the quick drive back to the radio station and finish the broadcast from there.  Our illustrious Program Director at the time said, “No, you’ll be fine.  Stay here”.  So of course we packed up our microphones and headed back to the studio. You just can’t beat that kind of leadership!

- Ford used to host a fabulous party the night before the big cruise.  It was loaded with celebrities – okay, there were two – James Darren and Connie Stevens.  They both looked fabulous – maybe even better than they had when I interviewed them in the 1960’s.  I don’t know if any of it was real – but it was spectacular!

- Big Al and I attended another pre-Dream Cruise Party put on by Ford another year – and as always had a great time.  We had driven over together in my convertible, and on the way home, I secretly turned on Al’s seat warmer.  (Remember, this is in the middle of August).  I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he squirmed and began to sweat.  He finally looked at me and said, “I don’t know why… but my buns are on fire!”

- Speaking of being on fire… Another year Al and I were driving back towards home from yet another WDC event with the car top down and some – I’d guess I’d describe it as “relaxing” music – on the radio. We stopped at a red light and two guys in a pick-up truck blaring rock music pulled up in the next lane.  They looked over at us like we were Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken out for a drive. 

- The radio station always had us ride in a classic car up and down Woodward after our morning broadcast and Al and I had heard stories of women along the avenue that would flash the cruisers a la Mardi Gras.  As luck would have it, the only person who I ever saw do it, was… you guessed it… Big Al. 

- One year, I had to ride in both the Gratiot and the Woodward Cruises.  After waving to the crowd for more than three hours, I almost threw my shoulder out.  It gave me a new respect for Queen Elizabeth…

- I almost missed one TV Dream Cruise Broadcast altogether…  I entered Woodward from a side street around 15 and a half mile.  As soon as I turned I realized I was in trouble.  It took me an hour and a half to make it to the Channel 7 Broadcast at 13 mile. I haven’t driven that slowly since I was invited to have lunch with Jack Kevorkian.  

- For many years I did my radio show in the morning, then would drive home and come back to be part of aforementioned TV Broadcast along with Guy Gordon and my daughter, JoAnne.  Many a time JoAnne had to nudge me and whisper ever-so-subtly that I was looking into the wrong camera.  (They don’t put those handy red-lights on them like they do in TV studios). 

And I can’t tell you how many times my wife Gail, who was watching the broadcast at home called my cell phone to tell me that I was slouching and apparently picking up lint off my pants while on camera.  I’m just not a TV guy!

- It was during one of Channel 7’s “Dream Idol” singing contests that I had a bit of a run-in with a former Detroit City Council Woman.  No, it wasn’t Monica Conyers (Thank God) it was Martha Reeves.  She and I were the two “Celebrity” judges.  When one of the contestants did a cover of Martha’s hit “Dancin’ in the Streets”, I said, ON CAMERA, “That was great!  In fact I think I liked it better than your version Martha”.  One look from her and I realized that Miss Reeves  is all for dancin’ but not so much for kiddin’ around. 

But my absolute favorite memory has to be the “Woodward Dream Cruise Wedding”.  A couple won the chance to have their marriage televised LIVE from the mainstage next to Duggan’s with Big Al and our beloved Doc Andrews serving as “Best Men”.  So there stood Al, stuffed into his powder blue tuxedo next to Doc in his spiffy wedding attire waiting for the bride to appear.  The image still makes me laugh to this day.  Not being a clergyman, (although I do know some good “A Priest, a Rabbi and a Parrot walk into a bar” jokes) I sort of emceed the ceremony.  The minister officiated the exchanging of the vows as muscle cars revved their engines on Woodward Avenue below the stage.  Then, of course, came the traditional fight between the bride and groom.  No kidding.  One of them got mad about something and they ended up screaming at each other from the make-shift backstage area in the parking lot.  I don’t know how the marriage worked out, but we all had a helluva time! 

I hope you, too, have a great time at the Dream Cruise this year!   Have a super and safe WDC weekend and we’ll see you right back here Monday!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Is She A Member Of Alpha Pie? 

Remember the woman who smashed an apple pie into Senator Carl Levin’s face during a question and answer session with voters this week to “shine light on his war crimes”?   Turns out she’s a student at Michigan State! 

Afterwards she immediately went over to Cedar Village and lit a couch on fire!

If she’s charged, the prosecutor will be chanting, “Go Green!  Go White!  Go to Jail!”

Shaken, Stirred and Arrested

Fire officials in Fairfax County, Virginia are taking heat for going overboard.  For 13 years, bartenders at Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern have entertained customers by juggling bottles and spitting flames of liquor.  But they were recently charged with a felony for setting a fire, and manufacturing an explosive device just for doing the usual bar tricks that hurt nobody. 

Putting alcohol in your mouth doesn’t turn you into an explosive device unless you’re Mel Gibson!

Of course if you count the alcohol actually in someone’s system… Lindsay Lohan is a Weapon of Mass Destruction!

A Bedtime Story…

Manhattan sexologist Logan Levkoff offered some tips to husbands who want to get their wives to have sex more often.  She says don’t treat women like porn stars, because reflects men’s fantasies, not women’s.  Offer to watch the kids so she can take some time to relax and spend 20 minutes talking to her about non-stressful topics so she’ll know you’re a good listener and can communicate. The sexologist added that if you hug your wife for 30 seconds, kiss and hold her hand, it raises her levels of the cuddle hormone Oxytocin and puts her in the mood.  But she cautions against groping her chest or butt as that upsets women. 

Okay, I’ll go along with all of those except the one about spending 20 minutes talking about non-stressful topics to show I’m able to listen and communicate.  (You have to draw the line somewhere…)

After watching the kids for a few hours, you may re-think your decision to do something that could produce another one.

Unfortunately, by the time you figure out all the rules, you’re too tired to have sex anyway.

What a Bunch of Bananas!

Police in Washington State recently got a call about two men doing donuts in a local parking lot.  They arrived to find 21-year-old Carlton Jeffrey Kohnert dressed in a child’s banana costume.  According to witnesses, earlier that day he’d exposed himself to a woman in a restaurant and at one point jumped out of the car – in his banana suit – brandished a shotgun and began yelling about white supremacy. Police say they believe alcohol was involved.

How much you wanna bet that alcohol came in the form of a banana daiquiri? 

Wait ‘til the guys in prison find out that he likes to dress up as a fruit.

Grocery and Disorderly Conduct

A man in Aukville, Wisconsin was issued a $429 citation for creating a disturbance after he allegedly came up to a woman who brought more than 10 items to a grocery store express lane and began berating her.  He even called her “fat and ugly”.  Ironically, the clerk had told her she could use that lane because she was the only person in line.

The man was just mad because the last time he’d gone through the line, the cashier had said, “I need a price check on Depends…” 

I See London… I See France…

UPDATE:  Police in Paris have now arrested the two girls who were robbing men at ATM’s after distracting them by exposing their breasts.  They are both 14 years old!!!!!

Roman Polanski said he’d like to make a movie about these two 14-year-old girls and their criminal career but they’re a year too old.

You’ve Got Questions… I’ve Got Answers!

In answer to Sandra Kort’s question on Facebook yesterday, I will not be at the Woodward Dream Cruise this year.  It will only be the second one that I’ve ever missed!   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow…

 - Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Reach Out And Hit Someone…

An 84 year old Eastpointe man is facing an assault charge after hitting the citie’s police chief in the head with a cell phone during a city council meeting Tuesday night.  Octogenarian Frank Zundl Jr. was shouting obscenities at the city council members when officers tried to remove him.  That’s when he whacked the chief, drawing blood.

Where was this guy when we needed him?  When Monica Conyers was on the Detroit City Council… (“Shrek! Shrek!” Ah, the good old days!)

He can always get a job as Russell Crowe’s official cell-phone thrower. 

“Gee That Verdict Smells Horrific!”

The big trial of the summer – former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s trial ended in an anti-climax.  The jury found him guilty of just one of 24 charges – lying to the FBI - and deadlocked on the rest.  The judge declared a mistrial on the other 23 charges and Prosecutors plan to appeal immediately.

OMG!  He lied to the FBI?  That SOB!

Blago’s excited about the prospect of another trial.  He loves showing off his hair during the “perp walk”. 

Besides lying to the FBI the only other unanimous verdict by the jury was directed at Blago’s barber…uh… hair stylist. 

It’s Okay to be “Medal”-some…

Yesterday, a San Francisco appeals court struck down the federal Stolen Valor Act that made it a crime to falsely claim to be medal-winning military veteran.  The case centered around a local water board member who lied about winning the Congressional Medal of Honor.  The Court said they weren’t endorsing an “unbridled right to lie,” but ruled that it was “not evident” that any harm was caused by such lies, so they were protected free speech.  

Okay then.  Did I tell you about the time I came within inches of taking out Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il by planting a bomb in their elevator shoes?  Unfortunately they were duds… the bombs and the targets! 

What a Tool!

British cricket star Graeme Swann was charged with drunk driving but gave the world a whole new excuse for DUI.  He said it was unavoidable because after returning home from drinking with friends, he found his cat trapped under the floorboards.  He claimed he had to drive to the store to buy some screwdrivers to rescue it.

Sounds like he drank a few screwdrivers, too!  In fact it sounds like he was hammered. 

Even the District Court of Appeals in San Francisco would have found him guilty on this one. 

The Doctor is Out

After a week of controversy over her repeated use of the “N-Word” to a radio caller, Dr. Laura announced that she is giving-up her talk show at the end of this year. 

She and Mel Gibson will team-up to do a morning show called “Wake Up You Mother %$#*&@’s”

Let Them Eat Cake! 

And a big Happy Birthday today to one of the biggest heartthrobs of the 1970’s, Robert Redford.  He’s 73.  (I can never remember if he was Butch Cassidy or the Sundance Kid. And at 73, chances are neither can he). 

And Roman Polanski turns 77 today. But he still feels like a 13 year old. He’ll mark the occasion by taking his current girlfriend to dinner tonight at Chuck E. Cheese. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

First of all, thanks for your heartfelt and insightful comments on Facebook yesterday regarding the site of the proposed Mosque only two blocks from Ground Zero.  The issue has obviously struck a nerve.  This is not in any way a religious issue, it’s a geographical issue.  After all, part of one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers landed on the roof of the building currently standing on the proposed lot.  As they say in real estate, it’s “Location.  Location.  Location.”  While the Iman who came up with the idea certainly has a right to build what he wants on his property, common sense and compassion for all who were affected by the horrific events of 9/11 would surely dictate that another location would be best for all concerned.

And now on with the news…

Arts, Beats & Packing Heats

Gun owners will be allowed to openly carry their weapons at next month’s Ford Arts, Beats, & Eats Festival in downtown Royal Oak.  Officials lifted the ban after hours of public discussion – with many fearing that mixing firearms with alcohol is not a good idea.

They always have alcohol at the festival – let’s hope this year no one ends up doing shots.

How much you wanna bet the men are going to ask their wives to carry the gun in their purse along with their wallet and keys?

I can hear it now:  “Is that a handgun in your fanny pack or are you just happy to see me?”

Gun supporters say it won’t really change the festival – although this year they’ll be putting on a special show for the kids:  “Goldi-Glocks and the Three Bears.”

NOTE:  For a funny and interesting commentary on the controversy, go to Royal Oak to allow guns at Ford Arts, Beats & Eats festival | freep.com | Detroit Free 

They Could Of At Least Used Whipped Cream!

Michigan’s own Senator Carl Levin got “Soupy Sales-ed” yesterday.  He was answering questions about his stance on foreign policy at a Deli in Big Rapids when a woman came up from behind and smashed an apple pie in his face.  Levin cleaned up and continued taking questions. 

The most amazing part… his glasses never moved off the tip of his nose.

Protesting the government… why, that’s as American as Apple Pie!

What a Twit!

Kevin Kristopik of Bloomfield Township had to change his phone number because of a weird connection with Justin Bieber.  Kevin got Bieber’s personal number through a friend and texted him repeatedly. Bieber took revenge by posting Kevin’s 248 area code and phone number on his official page and encouraged his more that 4.5 million Twitter fans to send texts to Kevin.  More than 26,000 of them did.  Kevin’s dad said his son is a fan of Biebers and hasn’t decided on a punishment yet. 

I think the fact that now Kevin’s guy friends know he’s a Justin Bieber fan is going to be punishment enough!

Traveling Can Be a Bear!

A poll of 6,000 British adults found that more than half still have a teddy bear from childhood.  It all started when a motel chain reunited over 75,000 lost Teddy Bears with their owners – and found that many were not children.  The adult owners said they find sleeping with their stuffed animal “comforting” and 25% said that “Teddy” reminds them of home.

I thought men in hotels usually sleep with someone WEARING a Teddy?

Big Al says he takes his childhood stuffed rabbit with him whenever he travels.  He named it after himself:  “Mr. Floppy”.

For Those Tired of Going Han “Solo”…

Over the weekend, Orlando hosted the “Star Wars Celebration V” convention – and for the first time, this year’s event featured “Star Wars Speed Dating”.  Participants dressed as Jedi’s, storm troopers and Princess Leia had just three minutes to talk to each other before moving on.

One guy dressed as Han Solo admitted he just did it in an attempt to “get a little wookie”.

The guy most girls wanted to see again?   The one with the biggest light saber.

Big Al attended the session but didn’t have much luck… I told him not to go with the “Jabba the Hut” costume.

It’s A Miracle!

Mel Gibson lost control of his $180,000 Maserati in Malibu, California Sunday night and smashed into a rocky wall.  Luckily he wasn’t hurt and amazingly enough police say he was NOT intoxicated at the time.

So obviously there’s some guy driving around Malibu in a Maserati impersonating Mel Gibson.

And Speaking of Cars…

On this day in 1896, the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was run down in Croyden, England.  The car was only going four miles per hour. 

Ironically, the car was driven by George Michael’s great-great-grand father.

The first thing the victim’s family did?  “They Called Sam’s great-great grand father”. 

Turned out the driver was strung out on COKE-a-Cola at the time. 

Have a great Tuesday… See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Do you have an opinion on the proposed Mosque just a few blocks from Ground Zero in New York?  You can join the conversation right now on our Facebook page.  Just click the link to the left and go!  And now, on with the news…

Here’s A New Way to Collect “Interest” At The Bank

Police in Paris are urging citizens to pay attention while using ATM’s after a man reported that he was robbed in a rather unusual way.  He had just entered his PIN when two attractive twenty-something women approached him.  One exposed her breasts – and the other took almost $400 American out of his account while he stood stunned. 

Pity the poor guy who’s now forced to pick out the culprits in that police line up! 

It’s Nothing To Thumb Your Nose At… 

Psychology Today reports that a French Researcher has scientifically proven that the bigger a hitchhiker’s breasts, the more likely she is to be picked up by passing motorists.  Among male drivers, 15% stopped for an “A” cup, 18% for a “B” cup and 24% for a “C” cup.

The only exception were men driving Toyotas.  No matter how big the hitchhiker’s boobs, they just kept on going…

So in case of a breakdown, every woman should have an emergency kit containing a flashlight, flares, and an inflatable bra.

Making Out and Making the Grade…

A new study reveals that teenagers who “hook-up” and have casual sex have more problems at school and get lower grades than teens that abstain.  But teens who have sex within serious relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don’t have sex. 

It actually improves their grades if they’re doing it with the teacher! 

The Games People Play

An international team of researchers using powerful computers loaned to them by Google has compiled every way that the Rubik’s cube can be solved.  The computers worked through billions of Rubik’s cube positions and proved that using the algorithm, or sequence of steps, the cube can always be solved in 20 moves or less.

I think the most efficient way to solve it is to put it away in a closet, forget about it, and let somebody else do it. 

Big Al thought Rubik’s Cube was where his friend Joe Rubik sits at his office. 

Don’t Forget to Buckle Up! 

Chubb Insurance is suing NYC over an $187,000 belt buckle.  One of their insurees went to jail for assault.  When he was released he said the jail authorities failed to return his bejeweled, gold belt buckle claiming that it was lost.  He collected the insurance money and Chubb is suing New York to get the cash back. 

In prison, Rule #1 is:  Always keep your pants up!

Elvis had a bejeweled belt buckle and a jumpsuit… so he would have had double protection if he’d ever been forced to do the “Jail House Rock”.   

Speaking of The King…

Today marks the 33^rd anniversary of his death at Graceland and Madonna turns 52 today. 

In honor of Elvis, Madonna is releasing a cover of his classic hit, “Kentucky Rain”.  Only now it will be known as “Kabbalah Rain”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"Fasten Your Seat Belts... It Was A Bumpy Night!"

And so it’s Friday… But not just any Friday – it’s FRIDAY THE 13^TH!

I know a lot of people believe it to be an unlucky day but, knock on wood, I’ve never been very superstitious.

I am, however, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty tired.  Why?  Well you may have heard on the news that last night was supposed to be the perfect night for viewing the “Persied Meteor Shower” – something that only comes around every 133 years or so.  The experts said that the optimum viewing time to see this spectacular show would be between 4am and 5am.  So, being the amateur astronomer that I am (okay, not really – but I did used to like the way Carl Sagan said “billions and billions”) I made the decision to get up in the middle of the night and check it out. 

I set my radio alarm clock, (not the one by my bed – the one in my head that is still programmed to get up early to do the show) and woke up promptly at 3:40a.m.  I put on my robe and slippers and headed out onto the driveway to watch the show.  It was a perfectly clear night, so my expectations were high. 

For the next half hour, I stood gazing upward - waiting to be amazed.  This was quite a risk for me, because if you remember, the last time I looked upward for a half-hour I passed out at the Sistine Chapel looking at the paintings of Michelangelo. 

While I stood there, I remembered that the meteorologist on TV had said that what we would see streaking across the sky wasn’t actually the meteor itself, but debris it left as it hurtled across space. 

Well guess what?  I SAW SOME DEBRIS!  Unfortunately it wasn’t from the meteor, it was the stuff some raccoons had left behind after knocking over my neighbors garbage can. 

As for the big Celestial event?  I saw nothing.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  Oh well, I’ll just wait for my next chance in the year 2143. 

Have a great weekend and don’t be afraid of this whole “Friday the 13th” thing.  I’ve always found April 15th a lot scarier!

See you Monday,

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Kwame + Two Cops May = Another Text Message Scandal!

Detroit’s two top cops, the recently dismissed Warren Evans and his replacement acting Chief of Police Ralph Godbee are, or have been, involved with the same woman, Detroit Police Lt. Monique Patterson. It all came out when in a possible effort to get more money in his termination settlement from the city, Evans’ attorney went public about text messages between Godbee and the woman who happens to be Evans current girlfriend. 

This Patterson chick is starting to make Christine Beatty look like a piker!

Who can blame her?  Don’t all women have a thing for a man in a uniform? 

Just Say Yes!

A new study out of Scotland found that one of the best ways to fight aging is to have sex.  Lots of it.  Researchers say it not only boosts immunity and fights heart disease, but the sweat released during sex releases oils that hydrate the skin and make it glow.   As for the big “O”… It releases hormones that relieve stress and can actually prevent wrinkles.    They concluded that sex three times a week can make you look four years younger.

This explains why Helen Thomas looks like she does.  She’s actually only 35. 

The study was conducted by the “Institute for Thinking Up More Ways To Get Women To Say Yes To Sex”.

If Justin Bieber starts sleeping around, he’s gonna end up looking like a 3^rd grader.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged…

People Magazine reports that – gasp! – Jennifer Lopez WILL NOT be a judge on “American Idol” next season.  Insiders say her demands were getting out of hand and Fox axed the deal.  Just to give you an example, when J-Lo shot a five-minute cameo on “Will & Grace”, she brought an entourage of 75 including an eyebrow specialist and an aide who did nothing but hold her coat.

Couldn’t she have just shared Ryan’s Seacrest’s eyebrow specialist? 

And to think they canned Paula Abdul when all she asked for was more booze in her Coke cup.

Adam Lambert says he not only does his own eyebrows, but his own mascara, guyliner and lipstick as well!

There Must Be Something in the Water in Pennsylvania!

Gary Matthews of Pennsylvania has asked a judge to legally change his name to “Boomer the Dog”.  Matthews often dresses in a dog costume for conventions and parties – and is involved in “furries,” a subculture of people who get kinky thrills hanging out dressed as animals.  Matthews says his parents were warming up to the idea before they passed away.

Actually he asked them after he dug them up from their burial plots in his backyard. 

The judge was slightly annoyed when Matthews rubbed his butt across the courtroom carpet during the hearing.

Gary says if he can’t change his name to “Boomer the Dog” he’ll just roll over and die! (or at least play dead).

His friends who also like to dress up say he’s “quite fetching”.

From Dogs to Ducks…

Pennsylvania resident April Megalon is suing Disney, claiming that while visiting Epcot, Donald Duck groped her breasts and molested her.  She claims it’s just one in a long line of similar incidents by costumed Disney characters.  She wants damages in excess of $50,000 for “severe physical injury and emotional distress”. 

If Disney loses the case, I hope they make Donald pay the bill!

What do you expect from a guy who doesn’t even wear pants?

As for Donald, he said of the woman’s breasts, “She’s a Small Girl After All!”

Speaking of Boobs…

Topless sunbathing has gone out of style on Italian beaches, but it’s not illegal.  Still, police have opened an obscenity file on a woman after a mother complained that the way the woman was rubbing sunscreen on her breasts was “troubling” to her 12 and 14 year-old sons. 

The boys have filed a restraining order against their mother so she can’t come to the beach with them anymore.

Hair Today… Gone Tomorrow???

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s jury announced that they are dreadlocked, um, I mean deadlocked…

They all think he’s guilty, but one juror, who works at a salon, can’t stand the thought of Blago having his beautiful hair ruined by some prison barber.

Lady of Spain I Adore Ya!

On this day in 1856, Anthony Fass received the first U.S. patent for the accordion. 

Which made life so much easier for strolling musicians who used to have to drag their cellos all over restaurants! 

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow! 

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Hey there and sorry about yesterday!  Computers are like condoms… they’re great when they work, but you’re really screwed if they don’t!

Now… on with the news!

“He Loves to Slide…and it Showed!”

Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who cursed-out a plane load of passengers over the intercom, grabbed a beer and exited the plane via the inflatable slide is being hailed as a folk hero.  Over 13 thousand people have already joined a facebook page in his honor – saying it was about time someone finally stood up to rude passengers.  His family says he “snapped” after getting hit in the head while two female passengers argued about overhead bin space. 

His lawyer is claiming temporary insanity – saying his mind was “not in it’s full, upright position at the time of the incident”. 

How’s he gonna get a decent paying job now?  Instead of handing out peanuts… he’ll be making them. 

Soda Way To Get A Job Is To Stay Sober?

Researchers from the Universities of Michigan and Pennsylvania have found that non-drinkers have a better shot at getting a job.  During a series of mock-interviews, applicants were given a choice of Coke or “the house Merlot”.  Those who chose the wine were seen as “less intelligent” and less worthy of hiring.

But much more fun to date!

The only exception was for those applying for a job with Pepsi.

The only people who can drink during an interview and for sure get a job are morning disc jockeys. 

From our old friend Jacques Cousteau Jr… Animals in the News!

Police in Buffalo, New York arrested Gary Korkuk on a traffic violation when they heard a cat crying in the trunk.  They opened it to find Korkuc’s cat in a cage, “marinating” in a mix of red peppers, oil, salt and chili peppers.  He said he had decided to eat the cat because it was “mean to him”.

I guess it’s okay for cats to be aloof and moody.  But mean? Forget it!

Maybe he just has an unusual way of making Chicken Cat-chatori.

Have you ever eaten cat?  It tastes like dog food!

Well that really Sucks!

Some neighbors in a town in Germany called for help when they heard horrifying screams coming from a nearby house while the owner was away.  Firefighters burst in to find a cat and a vacuum cleaner.  The cat had somehow turned on the vacuum and was screaming in terror. 

Screaming… that’s the exact reaction most husbands have when their wives ask them to vacuum. 

They calmed the cat down by putting him in a nice marinade of oil and chili peppers. 

On the bright side, his litter box was clean as a whistle. 

Can you sell Chesticles on Craig’s List?

Guo Qingpo of China held a record that he’s happy to get rid of – He had the world’s largest manboobs.  About ten years ago a metabolic condition kicked in and his pecs grew as big as footballs.  After years of ridicule he finally found  a doctor willing to perform a moob-ectomy and now says he feels like a new man.

We tried to reach Big Al for a comment on this story, but he was on a  plane to China.

I don’t understand why he had the surgery!  Aren’t football and big boobs every man’s dream?

If only there was a surgery that could remove all the man-boobs in Congress! 

He Should Have Seen It Coming…

The Moscow Times reports that a Russian man recently became furious when a gypsy fortune teller told him that she saw a prison stay in his future.  He attacked her, then killed two witnesses.  He was sentenced to 22 years in prison. 

With all the current charges against him, Kwame Kilpatrick has fired his attorneys and hired the fortune teller. 

“I Don’t Know Nothin’ ‘Bout Fixin’ Dresses!”

The University of Texas in Austin is asking for donations to help restore five of the dresses Vivien Leigh wore when she played Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind.  They say they need $30,000 to fix the worn fabric and tattered seams on the dresses which include what’s been called the most famous dress in movie history;  the green gown that Mammy made from the drapes.

If they don’t come up with the cash…  Where will they go?  What will they do? 

I’m not donating because frankly, I don’t give a damn!

And with that I am “Gone With the Wind” for today.  Hope yours is a great one and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Dick's Big "Braveheart" Weekend

This past Saturday, I made my first public appearance since my retirement from Radio back in March.  It was my “Coming Out” party of sorts.  And what better way to celebrate my “coming out” than by wearing a skirt!

Perhaps I should explain…

Over the weekend I had the honor of Emcee-ing the 161^st annual Highland Games at Greenmead in Livonia. It’s a celebration of everything Scotish – and in keeping with the theme, I donned a kilt.  (And trust me, after learning the hard way a few years back, I made sure to wear shorts underneath!)

The Highland Games is my absolute favorite event of the summer – a real family affair.  There are games for the kids, traditional Scottish delicacies (can you say “shortbread”?) athletic competitions, and of course, bagpipers.  Hundreds of them! 

I can’t describe how amazing it is to watch row after row of people, decked out in the different colors and paterns of their “clan”, proudly marching across the beautiful, hilly fields of Greenmead, followed by two hundred-plus bagpipers decked out in full regalia, playing Scotish tunes in perfect unison.  Truly remarkable! The only thing that could have made it more spectacular was if Lady Gaga had been the drum majorette! 

I got to watch all this from an open-air stage filled with Scottish officials and local politicians.  (Which worked out really well for the bagpipers when they ran out of hot air.) 

After the bands played, there were plenty of games and physical competitions including “The Caber Toss”, “The Stone Put”, and Scottish military battle reenactments.  (When the “Soldiers”, bedecked in traditional war garb fired their rifles simultaneously, Big Al jumped about a foot.)

Oh, yeah… I forgot to mention that Big Al was there with me.  He thought that the people at the games might want his autograph because of  his upcoming appearance on the new ABC television show, “Detroit 1-8-7”.  He was wrong!  But don’t forget to check out his Network television debut Tuesday September 21, at 10pm playing… are your ready for this… a Polka Band leader.

But I digress… Al was there to help me as I had the priviledge of judging the biggest event of the day - the annual “Tug-of-War”.  The event features a host of teams including The U.S. Army, The U.S. Marine Corps, The Wayne County Sheriff’s Department and the (defending champion) Livonia Firefighters, among others.  I judged each “pull” and then had the honor of declaring this years winner:  The U.S. Marine Corps team.  Kudos to The Marines and all of the tug-of-warriors!  

And a special shout-out to Rick Snyder and Virg Bernero who staged a one-on-one tug of war.  (As I write this they’re still pulling, so it’s too early to call!)

On a side note, Al actually came to the Games straight from visiting that fine Scottish lad, Kwame Kilpatrick at the Federal Prison in Milan, Michigan.  He said he had a very nice visit with the former mayor, although Al now realizes it was a mistake to wear a kilt into a men’s prison!  In fact as he left, he said the prison the inmates were still chanting “Big Cheeks Muskavito”!

All in all, it was a fabulous day and a first class event.  They even beefed up the security this year at Greenmead… This was the first time I ever had my sporn searched.  (confused?  Just Google “sporn”)

And it wasn’t only fun, it was educational; I found out that the Scotish community had a lot to do with the successful plugging of the leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.  They stopped the leak by filling the pipe with cement and Haggis. 

Have a great day… and if you get the chance, take a ride on an escalator. Why?  On this date in 1859, Nathan Amos patented the “moving staircase”.  Of course it was all downhill from there…

See you tomorrow!

- Dick 

Dick's Postscript to Big Al's Blog about his Upcoming National TV Debut on ABC's "Detroit 187"

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already got my DVR programmed for 10pm on September 21^st to catch Big Al’s Network Television Debut on “Detroit 1-8-7”.  I am thrilled for the big guy – I just hope that he doesn’t fall into the haze of booze and drugs that so often come with stardom.  God forbid he become “Big Al Lohan” or “Tiger Muskavito”.  But Jackie and I, (the “little people”) have vowed to help keep him grounded.  And when your Al’s size… that’s a pretty big piece of ground.  (Just kidding big guy!)

Anyway… reading Al’s blog reminded me of my own foray into on-camera work:  My starring…uh…supporting…uh…eleven second role in Beverly Hills Cop III.  (The fact that the movie was a complete failure compared to the first two films in the series doesn’t need to be mentioned here). 

I’ll never forget answering the phone and finding Director John Landis on the other end of the line.  After some brief Hollywood chit-chat (NOT) he asked if I would be interested in playing a disc jockey in the new movie he was shooting.  With radio as my first love, I’d never even thought about branching into film.  But why not?  A surge of adrenaline flooded my body and I heard myself saying, “Absolutely!  When do I fly out?”

It was then he explained that all he needed me to do was record a few lines at the radio station and send them to him.  I wasn’t going to be seen in the film, my voice would just come out of a boom box during a scene set in a chop shop.  Mr. Landis – or “John” as I like to call him - asked me to include the temperature and asked what I thought would be a good one.  “Well… how about 67 degrees?”, I said.  “Great!” he replied. 

And with that we hung up.  Soon after, my Canadian engineer John “Ankles” Stewart recorded me doing my lines.  For those of you who haven’t seen the movie (or did but chose to forget it) my lines went something like this:  “This is Dick Purtan…it’s 67 degrees and now here are the Supremes with ‘Come See About Me’.” 

I sent out the tape – and a few weeks later another call came in from John Landis.  This couldn’t be good.  Thoughts flooded my brain - I must have screwed up the role and he was calling to tell me they were going with someone else…  Not Jim Harper… No!  

Turns out he just wanted me to change the temperature.

The scene I was in featured a bunch of guys breaking into a chop shop in downtown Detroit while my voice came out of a radio boom box.  The problem was, the scene had already been shot and the guys were wearing jackets.  John Landis didn’t think they would be wearing jackets if it was 67 degrees, so we mutually decided to change it to… 57 degrees.  This now joins the ranks of other great script changes like: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” from the original “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a rat’s ass!”

So “Ankles” and I headed back into the studio and re-recorded it. 

The rest is cinematic history!  Although I will admit that I did suffer an injury as a result of all this.  When the guys break into the chop-shop they start shooting and the boom box radio was caught in a spray of bullets. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was shot in both my woofer and my tweeter.   But, hey, that’s Showbiz. 

I occasionally get royalty checks (some as high as 3 dollars!) for the 11 seconds I was in the movie and am still waiting for the phone to ring with my next role on the silver screen.  It doesn’t have to be a starring role,  as Big Al mentioned in his blog, “there are no small parts”.  (And I’d like to add that in Big Al’s case “There are only actors with small parts”). 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick

Big Al Prepares for His Network TV Debut!!!

Lights, camera, action – somebody pinch me!  A couple of weeks ago I had my first ever big time prime time network TV audition and…I GOT THE PART!  Not an “extra”, a real live speaking part!  (More later about my role, but remember what they say:  “there are no small parts”)  The show is entitled Detroit 1-8-7.  It’s a drama about a Detroit homicide unit, and its been getting a ton of press lately.  The show is scheduled to debut Tuesday, September 21^st at 10:00 p.m.  It’s the first prime-time television series to be fully produced right here in Detroit.  Some of my “co-stars?”  On the guys side:  Michael Imperioli who played “Christopher”, James Gandolfini’s nephew on the “Sopranos”, and James McDaniel from “NYPD Blue”.  And the ladies:  Aisha Hinds (“True Blood”) and Erin Cummings (“Spartacus: Blood and Sand”). 

And the Emmy Goes To…

My role?…A POLKA BAND LEADER AT A WEDDING!  They had me play it straight but I was dying to break into a Lawrence Welk impression.  (I’m pausing for a moment to give you a chance to stop laughing)  Everybody okay?  Okay…Obviously I can’t give away the plot but rest assured my 5 lines are delivered at a very critical part in the show.  (“I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille”)

Highlights of My Prime-Time Television Debut…

- During my audition, I blew my lines twice before getting it right!  Come on, I only had like five days to memorize them.  But I guess I made a good impression.  I will never forget getting that phone call saying I had been awarded the part.  (Note to aspiring actors – wear a pair of “Depends” to your first audition)

- I got my own dressing room with air-conditioning and a private bathroom!  And my name was posted on the door!  HONEST!  I couldn’t believe it.  And I was given permission to keep the sign for a souvenir, which of course yours truly FORGOT TO TAKE!  No worries, I embarked on a one-hour round trip journey BACK to downtown Detroit at 11:00 at night to retrieve it.  (I hope an Emmy nomination for me will drive up the price of my dressing room sign on eBay).

- The day of the shoot was extraordinary.  I was a sponge soaking up so many different experiences.  My scene was shot on the Detroit Princess River Boat and lasted about 7 hours.  And I actually got to sit in one of those director’s chairs, only mine said “Cast”. 

- It was so great to hear the gratitude and high praise Detroit received from the cast and crew.  I heard it first hand from Director Kevin Hooks and lead actor James McDaniel, just to name a few, who both gave our city and its people glowing marks for their hospitality.  (More accolades for Motown can be found by reading Free Press columnist B.J. Hammerstein’s interviews with actors Michael Imperioli and Erin Cummings in this past Sunday’s Free Press).  I was sure to thank everyone I could for bringing the much-needed work to Michigan.

- The free food was great!

- My love scenes went really well.  (Okay, okay, okay, a guy can dream, can’t he?)

That’s a wrap…(Some final thoughts)

-  So, will I make the transition from radio to TV/movie star as well as Dick Purtan?  Time will only tell.  Thank goodness I had D.P. as an acting mentor. 

And the envelope please…

- There are just so many people to thank.  First and foremost, to my agent Olga Denysenko from “Productions Plus – The Talent Shop”.  Thank you for believing in me and working so hard on my behalf.  I couldn’t have done it without you!

- And what would I do without my family?  The sacrifices you’ve made and continue to make are…(THIS IS WHERE THE ORCHESTRA INTERRUPTS ME)…

Thanks everyone for allowing me to share this very exciting event in my life.  Stay tuned!  I hope there’s more to come!  (Of course now I’ll have to be more selective about what roles I accept.  And if you believe that, I’ve got an oil well in the Gulf I’d like to sell you).

All the best!

Big Al 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Kwames’ Mommy…

After seven terms as a U.S. Congresswoman from the 13^th District, Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, the mother of our currently incarcerated former Mayor lost in yesterday’s primary to State Senator Hansen Clark. 

On a happy note, now she’ll have a lot more free time to visit Kwame in the Slammer! 

Now she can get back to the things she loves… gardening, knitting, and baking cakes with files in them.

I guess with the family’s history of legal troubles, this time voters just weren’t willing to “turn the other Cheeks”.

“Says who?  Says me!”

Democrat Virg Bernero, dubbed America’s “Angriest Mayor” for his rants favoring federal bailouts for the auto companies will battle self proclaimed “Tough Nerd” Republican businessman Rick Snyder to become Michigan’s next governor.

The personalities of these two guys makes it sound like a fight during recess on the school playground… We could save the state a lot of money by skipping the election and just letting “the bully” and “the nerd” have a staring contest by the monkey bars. 

They’re Gonna Need a Lot of Windex…

Yesterday, two Republican Senators released a report called “Summertime Blues”.  It lists the 100 most wasteful spending projects in the $862 billion dollar stimulus bill.  Highlights include over $500,000 to replace windows in the Mt. St. Helens visitor center (which is closed) and a cool million to send researchers to India to study exotic ants. 

While they’re in India, maybe they can find the guy who had me on the phone for an hour and a half trying to fix my computer. 

$500,000 for windows?  They could have saved a lot of money if they’d just called 1-800-Hanson’s.  (They get it done!)

Unlimited Salad and Breadsticks! 

Saturday in Florida a woman met a man in the parking lot of an Olive Garden for a blind date.  He got into her car, pulled out a gun and demanded money.  She gave him 90 bucks and he took off running. Police caught him later and he told them he had spent the money having dinner at the Olive Garden. 

Later on the woman said he was kind of cute and admitted she’d like to see him again when he gets out of jail. 

Too Big to Rollover (Minutes)

A phone survey by the CDC suggests that Americans are getting a little more honest about how fat they are.  27% of phone respondents admitted being obese, compared to only 25.5% last year.  The actual U.S. obesity rate is 34 percent, so not everyone is honest. 

Big Al says he missed the survey call because he was out having lunch at the Olive Garden that day. 

He’s going to have to have his kilt let out for the Highland Games in Livonia this Saturday. 

Will He “Say Cheese” When They Take His Mugshot?  

A man named Ronnie from NYC has invented a new career:  Grilled Cheese pusher.  He started out making the sandwiches for a few friends, but demand increased and he now makes and delivers them in brown bags to people on street corners for $5 to $7 dollars each.  Now he’s afraid the health department will come after him since he doesn’t have a license. 

My mom used to make really good grilled cheese sandwiches too and she only charged me three dollars! 

“So… A Needle Pulling Thread”

Jonas, a man from Sweden, told the local press that after cutting his leg on his kitchen stove he went to the local emergency room, where sat around for over an hour.  Tired of being ignored, he grabbed some surgical thread and a needle, sewed up his own leg and went home.  He is being charged with “unauthorized use of medical equipment”. 

This gave the people in the US Congress an idea to save money.  Under the new healthcare bill, everyone will get a free needle and thread. 

Justin Time for V-Day!

16-year-old Justin Bieber shot down a rumor that he has signed a book deal to write his memoirs.  However, he does plan to star in a movie about his life that will open on Valentine’s Day of 2011.

The title of the movie:  “Leave it to Bieber!”

R U ACLU Kidding Me? 

Tuesday, the New York Landmark Commission cleared the way for a giant mosque to be built by Ground Zero, which the ACLU hailed as victory for tolerance…

If that’s true, I can’t wait to be able to buy a kosher hot dog at the Deli next door! 

And Finally…

Sandra Bullock has topped Forbes’ new list of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood with an income of over $56 million in 2009. 

Upon hearing this news, her ex, Jesse James, bought one of those “I’m with Stupid” T-Shirts with the arrow pointing directly at him!

Have a great day… See you tomorrow!

- Dick

Dick & Gail's Not So Excellent Adventure...

As I mentioned on Friday, there were two big weddings in New York State this weekend; Chelsea Clinton’s and my sister Mary Lou’s daughter, Meagan. 

Being family and all, Gail and I opted to go to my nieces wedding.  (That and the fact that we weren’t invited to the Clinton nuptuals).

The wedding was to be held in our hometown of Buffalo on Saturday at 2:30pm.  Due to a commitment Friday night, we decided to “hit the highway” at 8:00a.m. Saturday morning.  Having driven to Buffalo about a million times, I knew we would make it in under five hours – giving us plenty of time to “Get to the Church on Time”.  And I  wouldn’t even have to break the speed limit (although some say I have a habit of doing that… like virtually every cop in the Metro area).

Still, having been a Boy Scout – and thus “always prepared”, I had suggested that we dress for the wedding before leaving, just in case.  (With the exception of panty hose – Gail’s, not mine).  Bottom line, we were golden.

And so we tooled happily along highway 401 listening to our favorite Lady Gaga, uh, I mean Frank Sinatra CD. 

And then, around 12:30, as we were getting close to Niagara Falls a large sign caught our attention: “Expect One to Two Hour Delays at the Bridge to USA”. 

Uh oh!

I immediately got out my cell phone and called my sister, the Mother-of-the-Bride, who was in the midst of arranging a gaggle of bridesmaids for the pre-wedding photo shoot.  I told her about the sign – and that we might not make it - and she said very calmly and nicely, much to her credit, “not to worry”.  Her husband, Larry is Canadian and they’ve made they’re way over the border too many times to count.  She assured me that the signs are very often wrong. 

Luckily, she was right. 

NOT! 

As we got closer to the bridge we came to a dead stop – along with what appeared to be a million other cars.  At this point I’m thinking, “Is everyone in Canada going to this wedding?”  A scant hour and forty-five minutes later, we finally pulled up to the Customs and Immigraton Booth.  It was 2:35pm.  So basically, as the clergyman was asking, “Who gives this woman to marry this man?”, a border agent was asking me, “Do you have any firearms in your vehicle?”. 

After the formalities, I asked the customs agent if traffic was always this heavy going into the States on a Saturday afternoon.  “Oh no,” he responded.  “Just on Canadian Civic Holiday Weekends”.

How could I have forgotten?  The first weekend in August is ALWAYS a Civic holiday in Canada.  Where were Jacque and Frenchy LePuke when I needed them? 

When I asked why so many were headed to the states he said, “Shopping”.  (Apparently they have cheaper prescription drugs, but we have better prices on things like jeans and toilet paper). 

Just out of curiosity, I inquired as to whether the traffic would be as bad coming back into Canada the next day (when we planned to return).  “You bet, he said.  The earlier you leave the better”.

So we finally made it across the border but completely missed the wedding.  “Luckily, the reception isn’t until six,” said Gail.  Hand my wife a lemon and she’ll make the best lemonade in town.

With a few hours to kill until the party, we opted to stop at “Ted’s Hot Dog Stand” – our favorite spot since high school… on the way to our hotel.  Did we look ridiculous sitting in the most casual restaurant in the world, me in a suit and Gail in a beautiful dress and heals?  Probably!  But at that point after an almost seven hour trip we didn’t really care all that much.     

The reception (which we got to ON TIME thank you) was lovely.  We were seated at a table with a man who had been friends with my late father for years.  His name was Tommy and at the age of 89 was in better shape than I ever hope to be.  In fact he and his LIVE-IN girlfriend, Terry, (did I mention that he’s 89????) danced every song from the Hustle to the Macarena.  Between turns on the floor, he told me a story about my dad.  “Your father,” he said with a smile, “he was really something.  You know he and I used to drive up to this restaurant in Toronto with our women on Monday nights all the time.”  “Why?” I asked. (After all, Toronto is about an hour-an-a-half drive from Buffalo).  “If you bought one meal… you got the second one free”. 

Knowing my Dad, that answer made perfect sense.  He added that on one of their 3-hour-round trip jaunts to Toronto to save ten bucks on dinner, a heavy fog covered the freeway.  Tommy said you could barely see the road, but instead of slowing down, my father, who was behind the wheel sped up.  “Don’t you think we should take it easy,” Tommy recalled asking my dad.  “It’s dangerous to drive this fast”. He said my Dad replied, “The faster we get through the fog, the faster we’ll get out of it”.

Again, knowing my Dad, that answer made perfect sense. 

The next day we were invited over to Mary Lou’s for a “Post-Wedding-Out-of Town-Guest Lunch” at 12 noon.  We were torn… Echo’s of the border agents warning, “The earlier you leave, the better” were battling with a feeling of obligation to attend the luncheon.  After all, we HAD missed the wedding. 

So, of course, we skipped the lunch and headed home early.  We only had to wait five minutes at the border and got back to Detroit in 4 hours and 58 minutes. 

I can’t wait to see the pictures of the wedding.  I’ll bet it was beautiful! 

- Dick