DickPurtan.com

The Old Guard Is Changing...

July 29, 2010

Jerry Hodak has announced he is retiring from his television weather forecasting duties on Channel 7 in September, after a 45 year Detroit television career. “The Chief” as they call him at Channel 7 has been on Detroit television airwaves longer than anyone else. As someone who is enjoying every single minute of his retirement, I wish Jerry and his wife Peggy all the best and hope they have as much fun as Gail and I are having!

This morning I called Sonny Eliot to see how he was doing, and while he’s feeling well, he too, is thinking of hanging up his weather Doppler one of these days. He’s 90 now and still does the 4:18 and 5:18p.m. daily weather forecasts on WWJ Radio. As I hung up the phone with Sonny this morning, I said, “Sonny, it sounds to me like you’ve still got it.” And he instantly replied, “And if I can find it… I’d like to get rid of it!”

And of course, longtime Detroit TV News Anchorman Jac LeGoff passed away this week at the age of 89. I remember one night watching the Channel 4 evening news – anchored that night by Jac LeGoff and his co-anchor, Margie Reedy. In those days the set was triangular with the two news anchors on either side… and the sportscaster’s position between, but behind them – like the point on a triangle. After finishing a story, Jac announced, “It’s time now to take a look at sports… with our own Al Ackerman. Al…” he said smiling, as he turned to find an empty chair. After an awkward moment of silence, his co-anchor jumped in and said, “… Who is of course reporting live tonight from Tiger Stadium…Al?” As they cut to the shot of Al, the entire studio - anchors and crew - erupted in laughter. Ah, showbiz!

And now on with a brief look at the news of the day…

The President made a guest appearance on “The View” today, and tonight, in an effort to reduce the deficit, will make a guest appearance on “Wheel of Fortune”.

It’s So Down To Earth!

Astronomers have announced that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that a massive asteroid 18 hundred feet across could hit the earth before 2200 causing massive destruction. They estimate a target date of September 24, 2182.

Damn, I had money on the Lions to win the Superbowl in 2183!

President Obama is hoping the Asteroid will land in Arizona.

It’s so huge, it’s been named the “Kardashian Asteroid”.

It’s So Hard to Find a Mother-Of-The-Bride Pantsuit!

Wedding consultants are now estimating that the cost of Chelsea Clinton’s wedding this weekend could balloon to over $5 million… including $11,000 for the cake, $50,000 for her designer bridal gown, and a quarter million to rent the estate where the wedding will be held. Our investigative team has uncovered some other details about the event…

- Al Gore will provide masseuse services for all the guests.

- Janet Reno will provide security.

- The train on Chelsea’s wedding gown is being provided by Amtrak.

-In an unusual twist, Bill will escort the Bride and all of the bridesmaids down the aisle.

-The flowers will be provided by a Little Rock, Arkansas company, “Flowers by Gennifer”.

Have a great day… Back tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 28, 2010

The President’s scheduled appearance on Thursday’s episode of “The View” is raising eyebrows. Some say his “guest shot” on the chat fest will lower the dignity of the Presidency.

Wait… I thought Bill and Monica did that?

He could appear on Jerry Springer and he would still show more dignity than Congress.

I can’t wait to hear Barbara Walters ask Obama, “If you were a twee, what kind of twee would you be?”

The tough questions will probably come from Elizabeth Hasselbeck… that is if you can hear her through the duct tape over her mouth.

Fun for the Whole Family!

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to report to rehab within 24 hours of her release from jail, but she’s not too happy with the idea. She says she wants to spend some quality time with her family first.

If only she had a quality family…

Her plans include suing her father, then doing shots with her mother.

She Got The Short End of the Stick…

A woman in India has been ordered to pay $4440 U.S. to her estranged husband for citing his impotence as grounds for divorce. She married him nine years ago – but left after 3 months claiming that she “could not have conjugal bliss, as he was impotent”. The man counter-sued her for “defaming his manhood and rendering him unmarriageable”. The judge sided with the man.

He also claimed his wife ruined his chances of joining the Indian version of “Up With People”.

“Defaming his manhood” – isn’t that was marriage is all about? (Just kidding ladies! Just kidding!)

The man’s mistress, a “Miss Cialis”, testified that he had no problems in the bedroom.

There’s Dumb & Dumber & Then This Guy…

William Morse of Cincinnati showed up in court for a misdemeanor hearing wearing a T-Shirt featuring the murderous doll Chucky from the “Child’s Play” movies with the tag line: “Say Goodbye To The Killer”. The judge sent him home saying his attire was inappropriate. The man’s excuse? He got up late and didn’t have time to change.

Ironically, the man’s attorney was wearing an “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirt with the arrow pointed right at his client.

Noah’s Dork

Police in Austria stopped a driver who appeared “jumpy” – and it turns out he had good reason. He was trying so smuggle in over 60 animals he’d bought from a bankrupt wildlife park in Holland and planned to resell. The animals included dozens of parrots, small mammals, peacocks, birds of paradise and six kangaroos.

The guy was “jumpy” because one of the kangaroos kept kicking the back of his seat.

He never should have let the peacock ride shotgun!

Turns out the parrots had called the cops before he even left the wildlife park.

Speak Up! I Can’t Hair You!

55-year-old Radha Bajpai of India already holds the world record for the longest ear hair at 5.2 inches but wants to update that because the hair is now 11 inches long. One of his relatives said people used to taunt him, but now realize that “he has really achieved something in life”.

The old ear hair record holder? Howard Binkpaltonakowski.

Eleven inches of ear hair is impressive. But if he had eleven inches of NOSE hair… not that would will really be something!

A few inches longer and he can use it as a scarf around the collar of his Nehru jacket.

Too Horny in Italy?

Police in Pievebelvicino, Italy, arrested a man who had finally had it with those vuvuzela horns so popular during the World Cup. People at a bar near his home wouldn’t stop playing the horns, so the man drove his car repeatedly into the front of the bar. Police took him in for psychiatric evaluation.

Doctors diagnosed him as “the sanest man in Italy”.

This guy has given angry Lions’ fans a bad idea!

Have a great middle-of-the-week day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick, Jackie & Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 27, 2010

After weeks of speculation it was announced that BP CEO Tony Hayward will step down and be replaced by an American executive. But don’t worry about him… He’s reportedly getting a $23 million dollar golden parachute – including a $930,000 a year pension and a possible position with BP’s Russian operation.

I think he should be thrown out of a plane with a golden parachute… with a big hole in it.

When he heard how much money he was getting he positively GUSHED!

The really bad news is that Hayward’s being put in charge of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.

Talk About Digging Your Own Grave…

Britain’s Sun tabloid reports that UK’s version of the IRS busted a man for a bizarre scheme to evade taxes. They claim he took $210,000 U.S. and buried it in his aunt’s grave. Allegedly he planned to leave it there until the 20-year time limit for tax investigations had passed. He was turned in by his local priest and the police dug up the money.

Police say they have a lot of dirt on this guy… of course not as much as is on his aunt.

So it’s true: You Can’t Take It With You… but your dead aunt can hold onto it for a while.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Grave Robbers”.

“Doe A Deer a Female Deer…”

17-year-old Kacee Larson of Conrad, Iowa has been nicknamed “The Deer Magnet” because deer just keep running in front of her car. She’s hit five deer in the last year alone. Her pastor’s wife suggested that she pray before getting behind the wheel.

Shouldn’t the deer be the ones praying?

On the bright side, she makes one heck of a Venison Stew!

She’s thinking of trading in her mini-van for a slower moving, less dangerous vehicle: A John Deere Tractor.

We’re Not Yolking, Honest!

A man in China’s Yunan Province is applying for a Guinness World Record. He claims he’s had a laying hen since 1988 – making her 22 or 400 years old in human terms. He says she’s in fairly good health and has laid over 5,000 eggs during her lifetime.

Question: Why did the oldest chicken cross the road? Don’t ask the chicken, it can’t remember.

She’s laid over 5,000 eggs… which breaks the record of a chicken once owned by Wilt Chamberlain.

Can We Talk?

President Obama will make history this Thursday when he becomes the first sitting American President to ever appear on a daytime talk show. Which show you ask? The View!

I’d tune in to hear what he has to say but lets be honest, with him sitting in the middle of all those women, he’s not gonna get a word in edgewise.

I wonder if they’ll have him sit on Whoopi’s cushion?

Elizabeth Hasselbeck has already been put on a Valium I.V. Drip.

Have You Got a Light?

On this day in 1586, Sir Walter Raleigh arrived in England with his first load of tobacco from Virginia.

The very next day Queen Elizabeth the First proclaimed, “Smoke ‘em if thou’s got ‘em!”

Is That A Carrot In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Believe it or not, Bugs Bunny turns 70 today…

Thanks to the Viagra we finally know the answer to the question, “What’s up Doc”. (His ears, of course!)

Have a great Tuesday and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick, Jackie & Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 26, 2010

If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands!

According to the annual Gallup World Poll, Scandinavians are the happiest people on earth. The poll is based on a series of questions about overall life satisfaction including whether respondents are well rested, pain-free and intellectually engaged. American’s ranked 14^th, right behind Brazil.

The unhappiest people were American women getting Brazilians.

Sweden only won because Elin Nordegren is from there – and her happiness over the $700 million divorce settlement from Tiger threw off the curve.

The “intellectually engaged” part eliminated every one who’s ever dated Britney Spears or the Olsen Twins.

The Apple of His Eye

Stefan Magadalinski came up with a creative way to give his wife a practical birthday gift while making it seem romantic. He bought her an iPad, but instead of putting it in the Apple box, he wrapped it in plastic and had it dipped in gourmet chocolate to look like a giant candy bar. He says she was thrilled when she cracked the chocolate and found the iPad.

NOTE TO MEN: This may work with an iPad, but don’t expect a great reaction if you give her a chocolate dipped vacuum cleaner.

Technically the iPad wasn’t a chocolate bar…it was more like a “Candy Apple”.

So Fourteen is the New Six!

British actress and “Mad Men” star Christina Hendricks is being celebrated as great role model for women. She’s a size 14 and is proud of it. In fact Esquire recently named her “The Sexiest Woman Alive”. She says she’s proud of her full figure and says of her size 36C breasts, “They are fabulous”.

Most women would prefer to be a size 14 if everything they ate went straight to their boobs!

I am like such a totally big fan of Art…

80 Year old Gordon Clement of Georgia was surprised to discover that a painting he bought for a few bucks, then failed to sell for $25 dollars at a local auction turned out to be worth a lot more. As he was driving home a relative noticed something moving around inside the frame. Turned out to be $4800 worth of pot. He said he was a nervous wreck driving home knowing how much marijuana he had in his car.

He reported the incident to the cops…. Right after he polished off three burrito supremes and a bag of Doritos.

At 80 years old, it can use all that pot for his glaucoma!

Ironically, the painting featured Cheech and Chong playing poker with a bunch of dogs.

Speaking of Canabis, uh, I mean Canvas…

On this date in 1656, the Dutch master artist Rembrandt declared bankruptcy.

Today, of course, he is remembered for his most important work: The Rembrandt Tooth Whitening Strip System.

If Mona Lisa had only used it… maybe she wouldn’t have been afraid to smile and show her teeth!

“I’m Ready For My Close-Up…”

The latest craze in movie making seems to be losing it’s appeal. Ticket sales for the latest batch of 3-D films have been steadily declining.

I’d settle for a decent 2-D movie… just too many one-dimensional characters.

In other cinematic news…

On this day back in 1928, the first all-talking feature film , “Lights of New York”, opened in NYC.

President Calvin Coolidge, who attended the premiere, called it “a boring chick-flick”.

These days, the audience talks more than the actors do.

And finally…

Happy 67^th Birthday to Mick Jagger. He still performs, but now he sings, “Hey, hey, you, you, get offa my lawn!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick, Jackie & Big Al

Click Here to Listen to the One and Only Doc Andrews!

Mr. Michigan at the Ann Arbor Art Fair! A Classic Purtan's People Moment!

July 23, 2010

With the Ann Arbor Art Fair in full swing this weekend we couldn’t resist reliving one of our favorite bits… Doc Andrews as “Mr. Michigan”! This classic sketch was written by the late, great, Gene Taylor. Enjoy this trip down Memory Lane and have a great weekend!

- Dick, Jackie & Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 22, 2010

Big Day for the “K”!

A judge ruled yesterday that starting today Kwame could be released to “mingle” with the general population at his new prison home in Milan! He’s going to make so many new friends! Imagine the fun… a pick-up game of basketball, a stroll around the yard, trading a pack of smokes for an Escalade… Good times! Good times!

Farewell to “The Chief”…

Detroit Police Chief Warren Evans resigned (was fired) after a six and a half minute video surfaced of him auditioning for a reality crime TV show. Mayor Bing wasn’t happy and let him go.

Why bother with another reality crime show? All you have to do is watch the local news every night.

The next logical move for former Chief Evans: An appearance on Dancing with the Stars!

An Inconvenient Accusation…

The National Enquirer is reporting that two more female massage therapists have come forward claiming that Al Gore sexually assaulted them. One works at a hotel in Tokyo, the other in Hollywood. She claims Gore called her to his luxury hotel room while he was in town for the Oscars. When he arrived he allegedly dropped his towel, pointed to his – shall we say – “extremely happy little Veep” – and said “Take care of THIS”.

Isn’t that what good politicians do? Delegate responsibilities?

This gives a whole new meaning to, “I serve at the pleasure of the Vice President”.

Maybe Al just thought sex with a masseuse was part of the standard “Oscar Nominee Goodie Bag”.

Police are allegedly dusting the room to see if they can identify his Carbon Footprint.

Which reminds us…

Happy Early Birthday to Monica Lewinsky! She turns the big 37 tomorrow. To show all is forgiven, Hillary even sent her a gift: A CD of Mitch Ryder’s “Devil With The Blue Dress On”.

“Ladies and Gentlemen… The Beatles!” (Piano)

Abbey Road Studios in London is selling their old studio piano – the same one heard on many of the Beatles records. It’s covered in cigarette burns and coffee rings and although it’s been played everyday for decades, they claim it still sounds good. It’s expected to bring in about $225,000.

If Yoko Ono buys the piano and starts playing and singing, her neighbors plan to take Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and smash it.

Hey, once you sand off the cigarette burns and coffee stains and slap on a fresh coat of varnish, that piano will be as good as new!

On a similar “note”…

An auction company in Chicago will sell the autopsy tools used on Elvis Presley, along with his casket shipping invoice and toe tag. They hope to get about $8000 for the lot. Before you get out your checkbook, you should know that the toe tag is actually a replacement. It reads “John Doe” because the original was stolen from the hospital by a fan.

When hospital workers discovered the theft, they said “The toe tag reading “The King” has left the building”!

Elvis in Heaven… It’s sort of the ultimate case of “Return to Sender”.

If you’re interested in buying the toe tag you’d better act quick! “It’s Now or Never”…

“An Affair to Forget”

A new survey of 1000 Australians found that nearly half believe romantic comedies have ruined their view of an ideal relationship. They said the warm and fuzzy cliche-filled flicks made them believe their partner should know what they’re thinking, give gifts “just because” and expect fireworks and a happy-ever ending to their relationships.

That explains it! Mel Gibson has been watching one too many Romantic Comedies.

One thing most people would agree on: “It’s Complicated”.

Have a great day! See you tomorrow!

- Dick, Jackie & Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 21, 2010

I had a warm fuzzy feeling this morning that I couldn’t explain… and then I read the headline and it all made sense: “Kwame Kilpatrick Moved Closer to Detroit”. Now I understand!

Kwame has been transferred from a prison in Manistee to the Federal Corrections Institution in Milan, about 15 miles south of Ann Arbor. The Kwamster’s lawyer said access to a legal library and a computer will better allow his client to prepare a defense against federal fraud and tax charges.

And the computer will make it a whole lot easier to send e-mails to his lady friends! Those carrier pigeons took forever!

He’s really excited about the library… Kwame loves “Text” books!

By the way, inmates at Kwame’s new home include Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian accused of attempting to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas Day.

The only difference between the two is one concealed a bomb in his underwear and the other one’s life exploded because he couldn’t keep his underwear on!

Speaking of Prison (and Underwear)

Lindsay Lohan woke up in a California prison this morning (the same one Paris Hilton briefly visited), and chances are, she’s not in a happy mood. While incarcerated she’ll be forced to used cheap, generic brand shampoo, she can’t smoke, drink, wear hair extentions, use a cell phone or Twitter.

And here we were worried about the torture at Gitmo…

When she heard she wouldn’t be able to have hair extensions, she allegedly begged for the death penalty.

On the bright side, she’ll be around bars 24/7!

There are 8 million stories in the Naked City…

84 year old Hugh Hefner told the New York Post that while he’s gotten used to seeing naked women over the years (unlike Big Al), he has not become “desensitized” to female nudity. He says he’s always been “a tradition-bound romantic”. As for big boobs, Hef says if you’re born without them, “one understands that’s what cosmetic surgery is for”.

He is a traditional romantic!

As for Hef’s private parts… “one understands that’s what Viagra is for”.

He may have gotten used to seeing naked women… but there isn’t a woman on the planet who can get used to seeing him naked.

Labors of Love…

Angie Cromar of Murray, Utah, stunned doctors by conceiving two babies, a boy and a girl, a week apart. The babies aren’t twins and are due at different times. Turns out she has an extremely rare condition called “Didelyphs” which means she has two uteruses. The odds of conceiving in both at the same time are one in five million.

Maury Povich is devoting an entire season to figuring out who the fathers are.

Actually for privacy purposes, the babies had requested “adjoining wombs”.

If only the Octomom had this condition, she could have carried 16 babies that she can’t take care of!

While we’re on the subject of Mothers…

Happy belated (by one day) Birthday to my daughter Jessica, the proud mother of the “Amazing Preston” and the “Equally Amazing Jack”. I meant to mention it yesterday but I was so emotional about the whole Lindsey Lohan prison-thing I forgot…

Have a great day and see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 20, 2010

ABC News has finally found hard evidence of the $800 BILLION stimulus bill creating jobs. All over America there are signs posted along roads, touting a stimulus funded project and the slogan, “Putting America Back to Work”. In many places, nobody’s actually working on the projects, but about $20 million has been spent hiring people to make the signs.

Well, that’s just a “sign” of the times.

What happened to the good old days when a “Stimulus Package” meant a prescription for Viagra?

While we’re on the subject, please sign on the dotted line…

John Marcotte of Sacramento is against California’s Prop 8 gay marriage ban, so he’s collecting signatures to get his own proposition on the ballot. It would ban divorce. He says banning divorce is a much more effective way of protecting the “traditional marriage” than banning gay ones. But he’ll need 700, signatures to get the measure on the ballot.

Mr. Marcotte says he has 699,999 signatures locked up; now if he can just get his wife to sign on!

Mel Gibson says the idea is a bunch of @#*#@!

If the “No Divorce” law passes… Larry King is going to have to move out of state.

Speaking of Young Women Larry King Could Eventually Marry…

Filipino pop star Charince Pemperngco claims she was under “tremendous pressure” to “look fresh on camera” during an upcoming guest shot on the show “Glee”. So she got Botox and an anti-aging Thermage skin-tightening facial. Oh, did I mention she’s only 18?

Joan Rivers was said to be shocked – despite the fact that she was unable to change facial expressions.

When I was 18 I did stuff to look better too… I used Clearasil.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Be Older…

To mark Beauty Month, QVC TV polled 2000 men and women on the subject of attractiveness. Surprisingly, a majority of both sexes said that confidence, style and personality were more important to attractiveness than youth. When it came to the question “at what age does a woman look most beautiful” the most often mentioned response was 31.

After that… it’s all downhill.

They also say wine becomes better with age… And we all know the more you drink, the better-looking people become!

So technically, Betty White is a lot hotter than Megan Fox.

If Only He’s Had a Dingy To Hold Onto…

66 year-old Candido Dominguez was on his sailboat in Tampa Bay, Florida when it overturned. He tried towing it to shore but got too tired so he swam to a nearby bridge. With nothing else at hand, he took off his trunks and began waving them for help. A deputy saw the naked man and stopped to pick him up.

How come when he does that, the police come help him; but when I do it, they tell me to get dressed and leave Wal-Mart?

At first the cops just thought he was a fisherman with a pretty impressive lure…

Candido is lucky he got noticed at all considering the “shrinkage factor”.

“Let Them Eat (a lot of) Cake!”

Hall hunt of Florida is the ninth-ranked competitive eater in the world – famous for downing 68 hamburgers in 8 minutes. After he began dating Emily Wright in 2008 she took up competitive eating too. They married recently and the ceremony pitted the bride and groom in a wedding cake eating contest. The bride won.

Love is never having to say “Are you gonna finish that?”

The Groom has been in traction ever since he carried his bride over the threshold.

Big Al wants to know if the bride has a sister.

The Moon and The Stars…

On this day in 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin became the first and second men to walk on the moon.

The third man to walk on the moon? You guessed it… Michael Jackson.

Sadly, ask any teenager today who Buzz Aldrin is and they’ll tell you… “Oh, yeah, he’s that old geezer from Dancing with the Stars”.

When Push Comes To Shiv…

And finally… a special shout-out to Lindsay Lohan who has begun serving her 90 prison sentence, although due to the fact that she’s a celebrity…uh… I mean over-crowding, she’ll only serve 23 days.

Having gotten her start in Disney films, walking into her cell gave Linsday a whole new appreciation for the song, “It’s a Small World Afterall”.

Have a great day… See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

"Notes From A Broad... I Mean Abroad!"

July 19, 2010

I’m back…

And you didn’t even know I was gone! Gail and I just returned from a European Cruise – a sort of birthday/retirement/let’s get-away-from- the-kids-for-a-while celebration. (Just kidding about the kids part). We had an amazing time! Set sail from Venice which is a lot more like Detroit than you might think. I could have sworn I saw inflatable orange construction barrels floating all over the canals…

We made stops in Turkey, including Istanbul which “was once Constantinople” (for our junior listeners/readers that was once a hit song), Greece (I thought about joining in an anti-government protest but decided I wasn’t up for being tasered) and the incredible Italian Amalfi Coast. We then went on to the equally beautiful French Riviera.

On a side note: My daughter Jennifer and her husband Neil traveled with us and I have to give Kudos to Neil. His luggage arrived on the ship four days before the cruise ended. He bought a couple pair of shorts and some T-shirts. Fortunately he handled it well or we might have had another “Underwear Bomber” on our hands…

But the highlight of the trip came on day ten, when we visited 93 degree hot Rome and had a four hour tour of the Vatican. (Unlike Gilligan and the other castaways who took “a three hour tour… A three hour tour”). Just prior to the end of the tour, we were in the Sistine Chapel (along with hundreds and hundreds of other people packed into the room) gazing up at the ceiling admiring the work of Michelangelo. As the tour guide continued to give us every last detail on the history of it all (remember, this is at the end of a FOUR HOUR TOUR) I suddenly started feeling lightheaded and nauseous. Realizing I needed to sit down, I made my way over to a little ledge packed with weary tourists. As best I could I wedged myself in between two fellow visitors and sat down, at which time I’m thinking, “Would it be sacrilegious to toss your tortellini in the Sistine Chapel?”

The next thing I remember, my panicked wife, Gail (at least she told me she was panicked) was shaking me and pouring water on my face. In that semi-conscious instant, I thought I had been elected Pope and was being blessed with Holy Water. Turns out I was just “Pope Dick-the-Dehydrated”. NOTE TO SELF: Always take extra bottled water when going on a long tour. (Much of the Vatican is not air-conditioned).

In retrospect, I’m glad I’m not the Pope. I don’t look good in big hats! (Neither does Aretha Franklin, but that’s another story).

Because we hear so much about Europeans not liking Americans, here’s a little side note: As we were trying to make our way through the Barcelona airport, I asked a Security official if we were headed for the right line. He said, “Yes,” then looked up at me and smiling, added, “I LOVE AMERICANS!” I’m guessing he could tell from my accent – or maybe it was the white tennis shoes I was wearing. In Europe, you seldom see people wearing white athletic shoes… they’re usually black or dark brown.

All in all it was a great trip… but to paraphrase the great Frank Sinatra Song…

“It’s very nice to go trav’ling, to Paris, Naples and Rome

It’s oh, so nice to go trav’ling

But it’s so much nicer

Yes, it’s so much nicer to come home!”

See you tomorrow!

-Dick

The Salacious Rumors Must Stop!

July 18, 2010

Big Al would like to clarify something for the record…

“There was NO inappropriate TOUCHING…HONEST!!!”

(Photo courtesy of Wendell Leadbetter…Thank You Wendell!)

Hi, Big Al here! Welcome to a Friday!

July 16, 2010

Do we even get into the latest news about Kwame? Accused of sexual misconduct in prison?! But what a relief…IT WAS WITH HIS WIFE FOR A CHANGE!!! Okay, enough about Kwame, why ruin our weekend.

How ‘bout that storm Thursday? I haven’t experienced that much wind since I went to an “all you can eat buffet” in Mexican Village.

Speaking of “wind”. There was actually a “wind delay” at the British Open today. (Now referred to these days as just “The Open”) Tiger Woods is several strokes off the pace. I guess he really misses that club his estranged wife Elin put through the window of his car.

Can it really be the start of the second half of the baseball season already? And July 4^th has come and gone! Please summer, slooooow down! Someone told me they saw “Back To School” stuff in the stores. Nooooooooooo!

Let’s all hope that new cap on the oil leak holds up. Words really don’t describe the tragedy of that situation. But did they listen to me? I told ‘em weeks ago to plug that hole up with Kwame. But nooooooo! We could’ve been out of this mess already!

And finally, if you’re like me, you like to catch up on your sleep on the weekends. Well, if you’re having trouble in that department, you might want to go mich.gov., the State of Michigan’s official website. I understand they’ve added info on the issue of “bed bugs!”. Great, just when I was getting used to the monster under my bed!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! Be safe and have fun! Oh, and of course, don’t let the bed bugs bite!

All the best,

Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 15, 2010

Bill Clinton Back in the Oval Office. (I hope it was a supervised visit!)

Yesterday President Obama met with both investment guru Warren Buffett and Bill Clinton regarding the current state of the economy. Clinton was the last Democratic President who presided over budget surpluses and was seen as pro-business, so Obama invited him back to the Oval Office to give him some tips.

But only economic tips. Although Bill said he’d also be happy to offer the President dating tips. And that’s when the First Lady stepped in and ended the meeting.

Bill later offered an apology over his attire. Reportedly he wore shorts, sandals and a “Parrot Head” t-shirt because he thought he was meeting with Jimmy Buffet, not Warren Buffet.

Love is a Many Splendored Thing…

In a shocking announcement, Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol told Us Magazine that she and baby daddy Levi Johnston are engaged again! Johnston recently apologized to the Palin family for lying about them and posing nude in Playgirl. 19-year-old Bristol said the announcement would come as a surprise to her mom, too, because the thought of her reaction would be too “intimidating and scary” for them to tell her in advance.

When Sarah Palin heard the news she grabbed her rifle, made Levi dress up as a moose, and gave him a five-minute head start.

Bristol and Levi don’t plan on expanding their family anytime too soon. As a matter of fact, until they’re officially married, they only plan on rubbing noses together.

From the You Can’t Make This Up Department…

A policeman in Munster (I love their cheese), Germany, won an extra week of vacation to compensate him for the time he spends getting dressed. Martin Schauder calculated that it took him 15 minutes a day to put on his full uniform and weapons before work, and 15 minutes to take it off afterwards. He said that added up to 45 hours a year of overtime that he should be paid for. When his bosses refused, he took it to the city’s administrative court and WON AN EXTRA WEEK OF VACATION TIME EACH YEAR!

Finally, women will be making twice as much men for the same job. (Just kidding, no e-mails please!)

In fairness though, don’t you think the officer should DEDUCT a half-hour for casual Fridays?

And This Little Piggy Went to the Hospital…

Monday in Gurnee, Illinois, two off-duty employees at Six Flags Great America theme park were held by security and charged with battery for allegedly beating up Porky Pig. Witnesses say the two young men took a photo with a colleague dressed as Porky Pig, then suddenly began punching “the pig” in the head 10 to 15 times. The head was large and padded, but the mascot suffered headaches and a stiff neck.

…And a stutter.

Please feel free to chime in with your own corny jokes. Here’s ours…

The two employees were sentenced to two years in the pen…pig pen.

They were also charged with threatening to “spiral slice” the mascot.

When the pig mascot was asked if the two employees did anything else wrong, the pig replied… “ba-dee, ba-dee, be-dee-that’s all, folks!”

Yep, that’s all folks! Get ready for the weekend! See you tomorrow!

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 14, 2010

Oh, oh, you may want to plug your ears…

Tuesday, the U.S. Court of Appeals in New York threw out the FCC’s broadcast indecency policy. They ruled it arbitrary, capricious and unconstitutionally vague, saying that it imposed a chilling effect on free speech because the FCC could sock broadcasters with huge fines for undefined infractions that weren’t planned or predictable. TV stations were hit with $200,000 fines because they didn’t know Janet Jackson’s breast was going to be exposed at the Super Bowl.

This just in…Janet Jackson has announced that in honor of the court ruling, she’ll expose her “other” boob at next year’s Super Bowl.

This is true…It was because of the Janet Jackson incident that our morning show was put on a :15 second delay. But it wasn’t really that #@!* of a deal.

This is great news for Mel Gibson…He can now give up acting and become a shock jock.

Okay, everybody “OUT” of the pool!

Officials in Austria are urging swimmers to help conserve water and pool chemicals at Vienna’s 18 public baths and pools by keeping their mouths shut when they swim. During the current heat wave, people are flocking to public pools, and officials estimate that visitors are swallowing up to 1,320 gallons of pool water a day.

You especially want to keep your mouth shut at the kiddie end of the pool.

This reminds me of a certain pool scene in Caddy Shack. Remember?

Water loss from pools is exactly why Big Al is banned from doing “Cannon Balls”.

Hey you kids, get out of my bank!

Last Friday a geriatric robber believed to be in his 70s entered a high-end clothing store in Manhattan. He was using a cane and an oxygen tank when he pulled out a gun and announced a stick-up. He fired a shot at a fleeing customer and two at a manager, but none of them hit anyone. Police said he fled in a black Cadillac.

He did it in a crazy attempt to impress Betty White.

There’s only one defense attorney who could handle this case: “Matlock”.

There’s an All-Points-Bulletin to be on the lookout for a black Cadillac driving 20 mph with its right blinker on.

The same man is wanted in three states for stealing “Sweet-N-Low” packages from restaurants.

(Everybody Sing!) “London sewers are filling up, filling up. London sewers are filling up…

Apparently a lot of eateries in London aren’t complying with orders to stop pouring cooking grease down their kitchen drains. It’s become so bad that a team of water company workers has donned breathing masks and taken shovels into the sewers to remove 1,000 tons of fat clogging the sewers. They say it hardens quickly, and they couldn’t even access the sewers at first because they were blocked by a four-foot-thick wall of solid fat.

It’s like doing liposuction on Kirstie Alley.

If the shoveling doesn’t work, they’ll just start pouring Lipitor down the sewers.

Have you experienced British cooking? They should just pour the whole meal down the drain!

Move over Phantom of the Opera!

An Arkansas songwriter and poet have written an opera about Bill Clinton. It’s called “Billy Blythe,” and it’s about his difficult childhood. It was inspired by Clinton’s autobiography and is set to debut in September at the White Water Tavern in Little Rock.

Its like most operas, except the Clinton Opera isn’t over until the Fat Lady “has relations” with Bill.

Bill has offered to help the female lead reach the “high notes”.

The Clinton opera features the stirring love theme, “Pants On The Ground”.

And finally, put this in your pipe and…

Happy Birthday to Popeye the Sailor Man who is 77 years young today. To help with his aches and pains, Popeye now stuffs his pipe with medical marijuana.

That’s all for “Hump Day!” See you tomorrow!

Dick

Ladies and Gentlemen, the One and Only…Marilyn Monroe!

July 12, 2010

Sorry this is a little late, but…

Happy Birthday to You,

Happy Birthday Dear Mr. Retired Radio Personality,

Happy Birthday to YOU!!!

(Followed by a high pitched giggle)

Looking for an appetite suppressant? Stick the above photo on your frig!

And now to the news that really matters….

KWAME WAS BACK IN TOWN TODAY!!!! And you’ll never believe it; he pleaded “not guilty” to a 19-count federal grand jury indictment. Of course he did. The Kwamster arrived in court looking resplendent in an orange jumpsuit and shackles. What I would call “Shabby Chic”; but perfect for this time of year. And guess what else? He claimed to have no money to pay for an attorney. Of course he did. Heck, what do you expect, he’s given all of his money back to the City of Detroit, right? (Yeah, right!) I say “Super Fieger” should swoop down and save the day for the ex-mayor. He won’t be a flight risk, because I don’t even think Super Fieger could pick up Kwame and fly away!

From the “You Can’t Make This Up” Department…

A headline seen at ClickOnDetroit.com read: “After 12 years, Woods may switch putters.”

- I’m not surprised. After last year alone it’s got to be pretty much worn out.

- He can always sell it on Craig’s list as “Previously enjoyed”.

- Maybe Elin Nordegrin is getting the old one in the divorce settlement.

I know, I should’ve yelled “FORE” before sharing these lines!

Last But Certainly the Best…

Good luck to former U of M Head Coach Lloyd Carr who has announced that he will retire on September 1^stfrom his university administrative position. Coach Carr gave us a lot to cheer about and a lot to be proud of during his tenure, including a National Title in 1997! We had the privilege of interviewing Coach Carr on the morning show for a few seasons and he’s a first class gentleman on and off the field. All the best Coach to you and your family. Oh, and if your wife needs any tips on how to handle a retired husband - just have her give my wife Gail a call. Oh, and one other thing Coach…if you’re looking for a mall-walking partner, count me in!

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to retire…to my Lazy Boy. More tomorrow everybody!

Dick

LeBron Gets the Heat and Cleveland Gets the Cold Shoulder…

July 9, 2010

The LeBron James Fiasco is exactly why Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo did the right thing and stayed out of the NBA fray and stayed put in East Lansing. Year after year Tom MOLDS A TEAM out of very good basketball players, not super stars, just very good basketball players, and teaches them to over achieve. And in doing so the Spartans have been to the Final Four 6 times in the last 12 years.

LeBron James on the other hand will never have the satisfaction of saying he stayed in Cleveland and won a championship with a team HE led and molded into a champion. He’s taking the high road and going where supposedly better talent will take him to the Promised Land. It can’t be more satisfying can it? Wasn’t it gratifying to watch the Pistons win their titles over the years knowing that they were a blue collar team that stayed together and scratched and clawed their way to the top?

Yes, LeBron did give Cleveland seven outstanding years, and yes he is entitled to better himself. That’s free enterprise and if you’re an American, you can’t argue against LeBron’s right to take that journey in the “pursuit of happiness”. So many athletes have done it before him, just not with as much fanfare. Had LeBron simply announced his decision at a standard press conference, he probably could have saved himself some bad press. BUT A ONE-HOUR PRIME TIME SPECIAL?! That’s rubbing it in the faces of Cleveland fans and sports fans in general. You could say it was just a bit “CAVALIER” of LeBron, don’t ya think?

I can’t help but recall what Al Kaline did when the Tigers offered him $100,000 in 1971. He was so embarrassed that he turned it down and would only take 90 grand! I found this quote on the Internet that was attributed to Kaline… “I don’t deserve such a salary. I didn’t have a good season last year. This ball club has been so fair and decent to me that I’d prefer to have you give it to me when I rate it.” That’s the storybook type of tale that used to make sports so captivating.

So now LeBron James is off to a team with a few more All-Stars and a better chance, but not a guarantee, to win a title. In a way he did pick the right team – the Miami Heat, because LeBron, after your free agency circus…THE “HEAT” WILL DEFINITELY BE ON YOU!

Have a safe and fun weekend! (Ahhhh, enjoy that cooler weather, too!)

Big Al

6 Comments

July 8, 2010

You don’t need to be a “LeBrain” surgeon to tell this LeBron James deal is out of control!

Can you believe ESPN is blocking out an hour of time tonight at 9:00 to provide LeBron James a national televised forum to announce where he’ll play basketball next season? ESPN has titled the show “The Decision”. My decision? To DVR it and watch the only important part of the show later, that being the :10 seconds it takes LeBron to announce where he’s playing!

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Waiter, an extra napkin and a defibrillator please…

Health.com has listed the 50 Fattest Foods in the U.S., choosing one dish from each U.S. state. Some of the more unusual dishes: New York’s “Garbage Plate,” a dish that combines meat, home fries, macaroni salad and baked beans on one plate, drenched in mustard, onions and hot sauce and weighing in at 3 pounds. Then there’s Indiana’s Fried Brain Sandwich, which is literally a battered pork brain on a bun…

Sounds like Big Al is going on a road trip this summer!

Fried Brain Sandwich? Why that’s Lindsay Lohan’s favorite dish!

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Now here’s a menu item I can relate to…

Wasilla, Alaska, has a new claim to fame besides Sarah Palin. Local distiller Toby Foster has created a smoked salmon flavored vodka that’s already available in Alaska bars, and he hopes to take it nationwide. Foster said it took him about 50 tries to perfect smoked salmon vodka.

I wonder…What kind of wine goes with salmon-flavored vodka? Red or white?

Hey, no wonder salmon swim UP stream…THEY’RE DRUNK!

Next drink special ready to hit the market…Tuna Tequila!

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Some Post July 4^th History…

Well even though the 4^th of July Weekend is now but a distant memory, we thought we’d pass along one historical reference that got by us…Last week marked the 232^nd anniversary that Mary Ludwig Hays carried water to American Revolutionary soldiers at the Battle of Monmouth, New Jersey. She became known in history as “Molly Pitcher”.

Of course when she got tired they brought a “Relief Pitcher” (Keep the groans to yourself please)

Big Al points out that Molly wasn’t as popular as the woman with the big jugs…of water. (Go to your room Big Al)

More news we can abuse…Tomorrow at DickPurtan.com.

Dick

6 Comments

THE TOP 9 WAYS I’M KEEPING COOL…

July 7, 2010

#9…As we speak, my wife Gail is fanning me while I relax in my hammock.

#8…When the Heat Index is over 90 degrees; I can’t watch any movies starring Ashley Judd or Jamie Lee Curtis.

#7…I get out the blender and make a nice Salmon Blizzard. (Careful, watch for the bones)

#6…I get my grandkids’ Slip & Slide out and slide from one end of my backyard to the other. (I hope the kids don’t come over until I’m done using it)

#5…I go to the nearest 7-11 and stick my head under the Slurpee spout. (I heard some stores actually carry De-Café Diet Coke Slurpees!)

#4…I put on my Speedo and run through the fountain at Hart Plaza.

#3…I stick my head out of my car window like my dogs used to do.

#2…I fill my Sleep Number Bed air chambers with cold water. (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME…IT’S ONLY A JOKE)

And the #1 way I’m keeping cool?…I put on some nice Christmas Music! “Tis the season to be sweating, fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!”

STAY COOL AND SEE YOU AGAIN TOMORROW, HOPEFULLY WITH LESS HUMIDITY AND MORE LEVITY!!!

Dick