DickPurtan.com

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

July 1, 2010

More Gore-y Details…

The massage therapist who claims Al Gore of assaulting her like a “crazed poodle” has gone public with an interview in the National Enquirer. Molly Hagerty claims she has DNA evidence on her pants, a witness and hotel surveillance cameras to back her up. Police in Portland Oregon have re-opened the case.

- This is one of the first cases ever of the masseuse claiming the client “rubbed her the wrong way”.

- Too bad Bill Clinton has allegedly cleaned up his act or he and Al could double date!

MEANWHILE…

The therapist says when she first mentioned it to her liberal friends about the incident, one told her, “keep quiet or we’ll all be destroyed by Global Warming.” She did keep quiet for a while, but now claims, “Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator”.

- This explains it! He invented the Internet so he could watch porn!

- And according to her, he’s got a Dimpled Chad! (And you thought we were going to say “Hanging Chad”!)

*****

Word on the street is that Tiger Woods wife Elin has agreed to a $750 million divorce settlement. As for custody – Elin gets the kids and Tiger would not be allowed to bring any single women near the children unless he was engaged to marry her.

- So she gets the kids, and he gets to keep his putter!

- $750 mil… Talk about your Double Bogie!

- Tiger just entered the “Sandtrap of Doom”.

*****

British Jeweler Christopher Michael Shellis has created a pair of women’s shoes that might even break Elin Woods’ budget… The “Eternal Diamond Stilettos” are made almost entirely of gold inlaid with 2,200 diamonds. The price tag? $155,000.

- They’re only available at DSW – Diamond Shoe Warehouse

- Elton John and Adam Lambert are worried sick that they’ll wear them to the same event!

*****

A woman from Seattle has won this year’s Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the worst opening line of a make-believe novel. Molly Ringle wrote, “For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss – a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.”

- Sounds like one of Kwame’s texts to Christine…

- Actor Richard Gere said he thought the line was great. Especially the part about the gerbil!

- That reminds me… I went for a boat ride last week and you’ll never believe it… “The sea was angry that day my friends.”

- The cover of the book features a bare-chested Fabio gazing longingly at a Habitrail-Home.

*****

Police in Chalmette, Louisiana, tracked down a man who was seen taking a duck from the pond in a local park. They found the man at home; the duck was in a bucket in his van. The man explained that he had planned to eat the duck – at which time he was arrested for theft and the duck was returned to the pond.

- His prison jumpsuit color is described as “Duck a la Orange”.

- The name of the arresting officer: Paul Blart: Mall-ard Cop.

In other Duck News…

Donald Norman Duck was arrested for a DUI in Ohio.

- But you’ve got to give him credit, unlike another Donald Duck, this Duck was wearing pants.

*****

After 60 years, Wonder Woman is getting a make-over. In order to make her less sexy they’ve dumped her skimpy Stars and Stripes outfit and put her in a dark jacket and black leggings.

- To make her less sexy, they could have kept the outfit and just re-drawn her face to look like Helen Thomas.

- They had to put her in leggings because at age 60, instead of Wonder Woman she’s more like “Vericose Vein Woman”.

- Big Al’s favorite was Betty Boop. But he kind of soured on her when he heard rumors that she’d had a Boop Job!

Welcome to July! See you tomorrow!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 30, 2010

Former comedian-turned-Minnesota Senator Al Franken was on hand for the Confirmation Hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan… sort of. Franken was seen on TV doodling and then, he just flat out fell asleep.

- He may be good enough and smart enough but gosh darn it… he’s tired!

- It’s not surprising he needed a nap… after all he is the “Junior” Senator.

This Should Have Woken Him Up…

Kagan was a bit of comedienne herself. When asked by a Senator where she was on Christmas Day when the Nigerian underwear bomber tried to blow up a plane over Detroit she replied, “Like all Jews, I was probably at a Chinese restaurant”.

- She followed up by saying she would be a thoughtful and fair judge, looking at opinions from both column A and column B.

- Justice may be blind… but apparently she loves the smell of pot-stickers!

*****

The King is Leaving the Building!

TV Icon Larry King announced that after 25 years – he’ll leave CNN’s “Larry King Live” this fall. Larry said, “I want more time with other things. It’s time to go”.

- And at his age, he’s up “trying to go” about 10 times a night.

- If by “other things” he means appearing on “Dancing With the Stars”, I’ll kill myself.

- Rumor has it that “60 Minutes” has offered him a job… to bring in a younger audience.

- He’s leaving some pretty big suspenders to fill…

- So many women, so little time… left.

Now with a quick commentary about Larry King’s impending retirement we turn to our TV & Radio Broadcasting Editor -Big Al Muskavito. Al.

Thanks, Dick. From dickpurtan.com…Helloooooo…And goodbye Larry. Yes, after 25 years on CNN Larry King has announced that this fall he’ll be hanging up his suspenders. While Larry has become an icon, some of his recent performances make you wonder whether those suspenders were cutting off the blood supply to his brain. There’s one infamous incident that Dick talked about on the air. It was the time Larry was interviewing tennis player Andre Agassi. When Larry came back from a commercial break he welcomed back “PANCHO GONZALEZ”, a tennis star from the 1950’s! IT’S TRUE! Hey, we all make mistakes, but very few of us are off by several decades.

So the big question is – who will replace Larry King? Larry has said publicly that he thinks - are you ready - that RYAN SEACREST should take his place! Ryan Seacrest? Let me get this straight, the same man who has asked riveting questions of American Idol contestants Sanjaya and William Hung will now be grilling world leaders and newsmakers? Yes, if there’s one man that can press Mahmoud Ahmadinejad into an honest answer about his nation’s nuclear capability its RYAN SEACREST - hellooooo!

I’ve got a better idea for a replacement for Larry King. How about a charming broadcasting icon who lives right here in Detroit. A man who has made us laugh and cry for years. A man with incomparable interviewing skills and impeccable timing. And a man, who despite his incredible communication talents, currently has no media outlet for that voice. Come on, you know who I’m talking about! But since I’m not available, I say we go with Dick Purtan!

Screw retirement Dick, a nation needs you!

I’m Big Al Muskavito and that’s my point of view. Now if you’ll excuse me, its time for my medication.

Thanks, Al…Now back to the news of the day…

Forbes Magazine has announced its annual list of the 100 Most Powerful Celebrities, and as usual, Oprah Winfrey took the number one spot. She was followed in order by Beyonce, James Cameron, Lady Gaga and Tiger Woods.

- If you remember the picture of Tiger’s smashed-out car window… I’d say his wife, Elin, is the more powerful celebrity.

- It’s kind of fitting that both Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga both made the list since we all know that Tiger goes Ga-Ga over the Ladies!

- Rumor has it that “Titanic” director James Cameron is going to make a new movie about Oprah’s struggles with her weight. He’s calling it “Gigantic”.

****

The long anticipated “Flying Car” is finally becoming a reality. A company called Terrafugia has been given the go ahead from the FAA to produce their new “Transition” two-seater plane that converts into a street-legal car. It can fly 115 mph as a plane, then, after landing, you just fold up the wings and drive home. The best news? You only need 20 hours flying time to get a license.

- And when you land at the airport, your luggage is already in your car!

- Wait a sec… I thought we already had a flying car: the Toyota Prius.

Have a great last-day-of-June! See you in July! (aka tomorrow) Oh, I almost forgot, it’s my fifth favorite daughter’s birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE! Many more happy and healthy ones! I hope you enjoy your gift even though I have no idea what it is because your Mom picked it out.

And now as we say in the United States…Adios!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 29, 2010

In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court has ruled for the first time that the Second Amendment isn’t about militias, but grants all Americans a fundamental right to keep and bear arms. The government will still be able to enforce laws keeping guns out of school zones and preventing convicted felons from buying them… but gun owners will find it easier to challenge laws they think are too restrictive.

- If memory serves me, didn’t Justice Clarence Thomas once tell Anita Hill that he was packing heat under his robe?

- The vote was 5 to 4. But it’s not like anyone was holding a gun to their heads.

- I guess the NRA really had them over a barrel… of a handgun.

- One of the judges who dissented from the majority opinion said he was “really pistoled-off”.

- The White House must be happy… First Lady Michelle Obama’s choice in clothing clearing shows she supports “The right to bear arms”.

*****

Just a week after President Obama bought Russian President Dimity Medvedev a burger and called him a “solid and reliable guy”, the FBI announced that it busted the biggest Russian Spy Ring in decades. Eleven suspects have been arrested. They were allegedly sent here years ago to live as normal Americans with names like “Cynthia Murphy”. The idea was to infiltrate and influence U.S. government policy.

- And to think I just friended Cynthia Murphy on Facebook!

- TWO WORDS: The Salahis.

- The FBI cracked the case when one of the guys ordered a Big Mac at McDonalds… and asked for a side of Russian dressing.

- Luckily, Global Warming will keep this from re-starting the Cold War!

*****

FLY ME TO THE MOON… BUT DON’T TOUCH ME WHEN WE GET THERE…

Commanders on the International Space Station, which houses a mixed crew of men and women from different countries, do not allow sexual relations in space. NASA commander Alan Poindexter says the astronauts are “professionals” and that “personal relationships” are not an issue. Reportedly John Glenn told his fellow space collegues to “keep it zipped”.

- It’s too bad John Glenn never gave career advice to Kwame Kilpatrick.

- There is one exception: If you land on the moon, you are allowed to get your rocks off.

- Apparently Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, but they aren’t hooking up in the back of Saturn.

- If this is true… how come we ended up with “Star Trek: THE NEXT GENERATION?”

*****

Police in St. Paul, Minnesota, arrested a 15 year old girl who was caught allegedly shoplifting 44 pair of panties from a local Kmart. She reportedly told the officers that she needed clean underwear and demanded to know if they “expect me to wear dirty underwear?”

- Police ruled out Britney Spears as a suspect before they even arrived at the scene.

- This reminds me of something my mom told me: “Always wear clean underwear in case you’re ever caught shoplifting.”

- 44 pair of underwear, eh? What was she going to do on day 45? Shoplift a washing machine?

- Why not just do what college guys do and go commando?

*****

The Wall Street Journal asked human resource professionals to put together a list of the dumbest mistakes they’ve seen job hunters make. They included submitting a resume full of typos and asking the interviewer to have someone on staff fix it… and pulling out a sandwich and eating it during the interview.

- Unless it’s a Salmon Sandwich… which would impress them that you’re including healthy Omega 3 fish oil in your diet.

- Another dumb mistake: Listing your former position as “Head of Quality Control for BP”.

- Here’s some more advice… Never brag that you used to be a disc jockey!

*****

On this date in 1969, Jimi Hendrix played his last concert at Denver’s Mile Stadium.

- It was a beautiful night, except for a “Purple Haze”.

Also… on this day in 1613, England’s Globe Theater burned down during a performance of Shakespeare’s “Henry VIII”.

- It was one of the few times in history it was ruled “okay” to yell “fire” in a crowded theater!

Have a great day… Back tomorrow!

-Dick

4 Comments

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 28, 2010

Good Monday to you! For those of you who follow me on Facebook… you’ll remember that, after a slew of comments and questions regarding Erik Smith’s departure from Channel 7, I mentioned that I would tell you what I know about the situation on the website today. So here we go…

I understand that Erik’s contract was up in May and that he was undecided as to whether he wanted to continue or retire. Apparently three days before his contract was up, he finished his show and left the station, not to return. Why? I honestly don’t know. I do understand that both Erik and the station are unhappy… so basically, your guess is as good as mine. Susan Whitall, the Detroit News TV writer says that the non-compete clause in Erik’s contract will be up at the end of this year, so if that’s true, it’s possible that he may pop up on another station. I miss Erik, too. After all we’ve been friends for 45 years and even started out in Detroit together. He’s not only a great talent, he’s a great guy and belongs on TV (unlike yours truly who has a face for radio). But the decision is his. I guess we’ll all just have to stay tuned…

And now, on with the news!

Vice President Joe Biden did it again… While visiting a frozen custard shop in Milwaukee over the weekend, he asked the manager how much he owed. The man quipped, “Lower our taxes, and we’ll call it even”. The Veep snapped at the man (whom he’d never met) “Why don’t you say something nice instead of being a smartass all the time?”

- Apparently he was confused and thought he was talking to former U.S. Afghan Commander General McChrystal.

- President Obama immediately apologized for Biden’s remarks and appointed two frozen custard Czars: Ben & Jerry.

- This incident will be recorded in the history books as “Biden’s Last Custard Stand”.

*****

Speaking of Politics… Following the big G-20 Summit in Toronto, the President said he can’t be sure how long Americans will be in Afghanistan, adding, “I don’t have a Crystal Ball”.

- Of course last week he had General McChrystal by the… , um, never mind!

*****

After six years of heated debate, the Internet naming agency ICANN voted Friday to allow the creation of “dot-xxx” suffix for domain names for porn sites. But aficionados don’t have to worry about re-bookmarking their favorite erotic cyber sites. Existing websites can keep their dot-com and dot-net addresses. By the way… since the announcement, more than 100,000 pre-reservations have been made for the xxx sites.

- Big Al thought dot-xxx was reserved for on-line clothing stores that carried his size.

*****

Dr. SanthoshThomas, an Indian-American Doctor from Westlake, Ohio and his wife were stunned when they were told their daughter Alyssa is on the Department of Homeland Security’s No-Fly List. By the way… Alyssa is six years old! Despite being just out of Kindergarten, she was barred from boarding the plane and despite complaints, the Homeland Security Dept. says they’re not changing their decision.

- If she’s that bad at 6… she must have been something else during the “terrible twos”!

- What concerned security the most was Alyssa’s suspicious looking Dora the Explorer gym shoes with the Velcro ties.

- It was all a big mistake… she was supposed to be on the “Tends-To-Kick-The-Back-Of-The-Seat-Of-The-Guy-In-Front-Of-‘Em-No-Fly-List”.

- If they add any more charges for booking, snacks, luggage or carry-ons, I’m going to put myself on the No-Fly List!

*****

HOT (NEWS) FLASH!

Iranian scientists say they have developed a simple blood test that can determine when a woman will begin menopause, accurate to within a four-month period.

- So to speak…

- The four-month warning will give men plenty of time to take cover.

*****

Police in Fort Worth, Texas are trying to figure out how to deal with a man who’s got a beer vending machine on his front porch. It’s illegal to sell beer without a license, but the owner claims that it’s just a personal refrigerator filled with beer and he can’t help it if unauthorized people come into his yard, pop in a buck fifty and take a beer.

- If Joe Biden stops by, he’ll give him a beer for free… IF he’ll agree to lower his taxes. What a smartass!

*****

And finally, on this day in 1914, a Serb nationalist assassinated Austria’s Archduke Ferdinand and his wife, triggering World War I.

- Big Al asked us not to say how the War ended because he’s just finishing a book about it.

Have a great day… See you tomorrow!

- Dick

4 Comments

"The Week that Was…"

June 25, 2010

What a week!

-General Stanley McChrystal – the U.S. commander in Afghanistan was fired … uh… resigned after criticizing the President and Vice President. I hear he’s got a much more dangerous job now – he’s going to be an alcohol monitor for Lindsay Lohan.

- Joran Van der Scum recanted his confession in the murder of a girl in Peru… saying he was forced into signing the confession by authorities. Something tells me he’s going to be forced into a lot of things in the years to come…

- Thousands of baffled women suddenly had the urge to have a cigarette on Wednesday afternoon – until they realized what they’d just experienced was actually an earthquake centered in Ottawa Canada and not, well, you know…

- The very same day, Kwame Kilpatrick experienced what you might call a series of “aftershocks”. Nineteen of them to be exact. Federal indictments on tax evasion and bribery that could land him in jail for decades – after he finishes his current stint for probation violation. By the time he gets out of jail, he’ll probably be too old to text at night…

- Today, of course, marks the one year anniversary of the deaths of both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Hard to believe!

As for my personal life… I have a confession to make.

After a Full-Family-Father’s-Day-Festival at our house last Sunday… I finally admitted something to myself that I’ve known for a long time: I’m not the greatest griller in the world. I know, I know… you always see pictures of men, spatula in hand, wearing aprons with slogans like “Grill Sergeant” or “The Original Burger KING!” as a mouth-watering array of meat (or in my case Salmon) sizzles on the grill behind them. For years, I was that guy. (sans the apron). Well here’s the problem. What I consider “well done” my family calls “burnt beyond recognition”. Apparently they believe the term “blackened” should only apply to Cajun style fish - not hot dogs. Whatever! The point is… after years of complaints like “I never realized chicken could be this dry”… I made the executive decision to hand over the BBQ tongs to my sons-in-law. It wasn’t easy – but I think it was the right thing to do. Like the time in 2002 when I had the honor of carrying the Olympic Torch… it was time to hand it off to the next guy.

This afternoon I’d planned to take three of my grandki… grandki… um… my daughters’ children, swimming, but they turned me down. They said they’d be too embarrassed to see me in my Speedo!! (Just kidding!)

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 24, 2010

It was tough to sleep last night… FOR KWAME. A 19 count Federal Indictment was handed down yesterday charging the former Mayor with spending money from his non-profit civic fund on personal expenses including cars, camps for his kids, yoga and golf lessons. Each charge carries a maximum of 20 years in prison.

- On the bright side… while in the slammer, he’s got plenty of time to plan out his defense strategy for the new charges.

- Using non-profit money for golf lessons? Even Bernie Madoff said, “That is sooooo unethical!”

- Yoga involves contorting your body in a lot of tough positions, right? How much do you want to bet he bought those lessons for Christine Beatty?

While we’re talking about former Politicians…

The National Enquirer is claiming that one of the reasons Al and Tipper Gore have split is that back in 2006, Al was accused of “unwanted sexual advances” by a masseuse in Oregon. She says, among other things, he answered the door in a robe and hugged her for an “uncomfortably long time”. Police say they saw the $540 massage bill and the woman kept a pair of his pants as evidence. Still, the woman refused to press charges.

- The Hotel did, however press his pants.

- Usually all Al has to do to turn women on is tell ‘em he invented the internet.

- Maybe the woman was upset because Al didn’t “Tipper”.

- Our Big Al once paid $540 for a massage, but that’s because the masseuse charged him a dollar per pound.

*****

A sex survey of Britons by the Kawi garlic company found that 31% have cut a love-making session short because they were too tired to go on. They also found that one in twenty Brits worry about having a heart attack during “enthusiastic sex”.

- So they believe screaming through a three-hour World Cup Soccer match is okay, but a minute and a half in the sack might kill ‘em…

- This study was conducted by A GARLIC COMPANY. Any chance that was why the romance was cut short?

- At her age, Queen Elizabeth defines “enthusiastic sex” as going to the Tower of London and checking out the family jewels.

*****

(No Disrespect to the dead… but as they say, “Tragedy plus time equals Comedy”…)

Hard to believe, but tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson. Forest Lawn Cemetery, MJ’s final resting place, announced that fans will be allowed to leave flowers – but that statues, posters, incense, web broadcasting equipment, balloons, candles, doves, pinwheels and radios are strictly prohibited.

- Radios? Who listens to those anymore? (Just kidding!!!!!)

- When Bubbles heard he couldn’t bring balloons he went ape.

- They’ve already got a cardboard cut-out of Michael posted outside the gates that says, “You must be shorter than my arm to enter the cemetery”.

- Instead of filing past the grave forward, in the traditional manner, fans will be asked to moonwalk.

*****

A blogger for Marie Claire magazine asked readers to comment on a suggestion by a bridal website for how to deal with elaborate and restricting wedding gowns. One bride wrote that since her gown took twenty minutes to get in and out of, a shop manager suggested she wear adult diapers underneath so she didn’t have to worry about lengthy potty breaks. Turns out some bridal shops do carry a bridal version of Depends…

- They come with toilet paper hanging out the back which looks just like a “train”!

- I thought most couples getting married these days didn’t have to deal with diapers until the bride gave birth to their first child a few months after the wedding.

- So now brides can have padded panties to match their padded bras!

- Imagine how surprised the grooms gonna be when he lifts her dress to remove the garter…

- I heard that it’s not just for brides… Larry King has worn depends through the last three of his eight marriages.

As Larry would say, “Helllooo!” … I mean goodbye! See ya tomorrow!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 23, 2010

No… that tremor in the ground you may have felt this afternoon was NOT the result of Big Al jump roping on his driveway. It was an earthquake centered around Ottawa, Canada and measuring 5.5 on the Richter Scale. To be honest after waiting for an hour and a half to get my Driver’s License renewed at the Secretary of States office, I thought the tremor was caused by one of the State Employees falling off their stool!

*****

D-Day for McChrystal…

In what reminds me of being called to the principal’s office for mouthing off about your teacher, US Afghan war commander General Stanley McChrystal arrived at the White House this morning and tendered his resignation to the President - which was accepted. McChrystal was summoned after quotes by he and his staff in a Rolling Stone article angered the President.

- To show you just how mad the President actually was, he “unfriended” McChrystal on his Facebook page!

*****

Champaign on ICE!

Congratulations to two former Red Wings, Dino Ciccarelli and Front Office Exec Jimmy Devellano for being inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame! By the way… next season five of the six original NHL teams will play the Wings (the 6^th original team) down at the Joe! That hasn’t happened since the Lions won a Champio… Well, it hasn’t actually been quite that long! The only drawback for next season? Tampa Bay won’t be playing here in Detroit – So no chance to see Stevie Y’s team. To paraphrase Nancy Kerrigan, “Y not here? Y not now?”

*****

The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades…

A new survey by the Pew Research Center came up with some pretty interesting results as to what Americans expect will happen by 2050. Among the findings 71% believe Cancer will be cured and 81% percent believe computers will be able to converse like humans.

- Unlike today, when most teenage humans can only converse USING a computer.

On the negative side, 58% of those polled expect a World War in the next 40 years and 31% believe the earth will be hit by an asteroid.

- 100% believe that General McChrystal got his asteroid kicked by the President in the Rose Garden this afternoon.

*****

Jerry Seinfeld has lashed out against Pop Diva Lady Gaga. She was moved to his private suite at the New York Mets Stadium after flipping off photographers and the crowd. Jerry - who was not at the game - said “She’s a jerk. You flip people off and you get upgraded?”

- Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

*****

A 17-year-old girl in Washington State is facing jail for allegedly attacking her brother with a BBQ tool while making macaroni and cheese. Apparently he asked if she was using margarine or real butter – which naturally led to a physical altercation.

- 1st question: Who uses a BBQ tool to make Macaroni and Cheese?

- And to think all he said was, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”

*****

The food police at the Center for Science in the Public Interest are threatening to sue McDonald’s if they don’t stop offering toys in their Happy Meals within 30 days. They say the toys lure kids into “an unpaid drone army” nagging their parents into taking them out for unhealthy fast food.

- And they’re just figuring this out now?

- They better not sue until I complete my collection of “Shrek” character watches!

***** SPEAKING OF FOOD *****

Oprah’s medical expert, Dr. Oz, told the Boston Herald that the #1 health problem in America isn’t obesity; it’s a lack of sex. He says people will talk about fat, but are too embarrassed to talk about what he calls a “sexual famine”. He added that while most Americans have sex once a week, upping that to twice a week could add three years to a person’s life.

- If sex increases your lifespan… Charlie Sheen’s gonna live forever!

- McDonald’s is thinking of combining the two issues by introducing the “Really Happy Meal” for adults with a special toy in every box!

- President Obama has weighed in on the subject by appointing a new “Sex Czar”: Bill Clinton.

*****

New York City’s “Naked Cowboy” has sent a cease-and-desist letter to a former stripper who is appearing around town as “The Naked Cowgirl”. Robert Bruck plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a hat, boots and bikini briefs. He claims he’s trademarked the “Naked Cowboy” nickname and if she’s going to charge tourists for photos, she’ll have to pay him a yearly $5000 “Naked Cowboy Franchise Fee”.

- First of all, who’s gonna notice another semi-naked person running around New York City?

- I don’t know why he’s upset. She appears “all over town” whereas the Naked Cowboy stays in the lucrative Times Square area. As they say in the real estate and semi-naked performance art industries, it’s all about “Location! Location! Location!”

- We contacted NY’s “Naked Mime” about this story, but he refused to talk.

*****

And finally, on this date in 1776, the final draft of the Declaration of Independence was submitted to Congress.

- It would have been ready a day sooner, but the “Spell Check” button on Jefferson’s Quill was broken.

- The Declaration was then taken over to “Ye Olde Kinko’s” to be copied and collated.

- It included a provision that required all Americans to have health care – which at the time meant having a “Primary Leech Provider”.

*****

Have a great day! (Or at least a better one than General McCrystal had!) Back tomorrow…

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 22, 2010

There were plenty of ooohs and ahhhs – even some screaming – last night as the skies over Detroit lit up. No… I’m not talking about the fireworks. I’m talking about the storm! The thunder was so loud and the lightning so intense that, as a good husband, I inched closer to Gail so I wouldn’t be scared she wouldn’t be scared. Which reminds me of something that happened to Jackie when she was a kid… Take it away, Jack.

Thanks Dad. I was all of 8 years old one stormy summer night when I heard the unmistakable sound of little feet coming down the hall toward my room. I didn’t need my David Cassidy nightlight to recognize my three-year-old sister, Jessica standing in the doorway – blankie in hand and thumb in mouth. “I know it’s loud, but it’s okay, sweetie!” I whispered and pulled her up to snuggle with me. Then she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said, “Jackie, you’re so lucky!” “Why?” I asked. She replied, “Cuz when you get scared, you’re already in your bed!” You gotta love being a big sister! And now back to the man who will undoubtedly be returning everything I gave him for Father’s Day… my Dad.

Thanks Jackie. And by the way… I’m not returning everything. I thought the card was great. Besides, you already wrote on it. Now back to last night…

As for the annual Fireworks… they were spectacular. And kudos to Carman Harlan and Devon Scillian for coming up with so many adjectives… “Stunning” “Amazing” “Oh, look at that one!” They sounded just like Big Al when he watches Cinemax…

- One question though? Carmen’s hat… Look’s like she got it from the Aretha Franklin Collection.

Speaking of singers…

The judges on American Idol have long complained that teenage contestants can’t convey the mature emotions of certain songs. Producers of the show have responded by lowering the minimum age of contestants from 16 to 15.

- “Sinatra Night” has always been my favorite. Now we can look forward to hearing a 15 year old sing, “I did it My Way!”

- Or how about, “When I was 5… it was a very good year…”

- Roman Polanski and Woody Allen have already asked to be celebrity judges.

On that “note”…

Sullivan Island, South Carolina already has a ban on making noises on the street including crying, shouting and playing musical instruments if people nearby find them annoying. Now the town council wants to expand the “annoying sounds list”, making it illegal to shout, yell, whistle or sing in an annoying manner.

- We have a similar hear rule hear in Detroit. Fortunately it doesn’t prohibit “Booing” so you can still go to Lion’s games.

- PERSONAL OBSERVATION: Second-year safety Louis Delmas has predicted that Lions will win at least 8 games this season. Is it just me or does one player on the team make the same statement every year? And is it just me… or are they always WRONG?!

*****

You know those long, loud horns that have become such a distraction during the World Cup? Well they’ve become a literal pain in the butt for one man… A doctor at the Daktari Medical Center in Johannesburg said a South African man came in with one of the horns (“a vuvuzela”) stuck up his… well you know. Apparently the man had had an ugly run-in with some Uruguayans celebrating their victory.

- I think we just found the answer to plugging the oil leak in the gulf!

- In a related story, some people in Louisiana say they have similar plans if they ever run into BP CEO Tony Hayward.

*****

The top U.S. commander in Afghanistan has been called back to the White House for a meeting with President Obama after criticizing the President and his administration’s handling of the war during an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine. General Stanley McChrystal has already issued a statement apologizing for exercising “poor judgment”.

- If only he’d looked in his “McChrystal Ball” he’d have realized he was gonna get in trouble!

- Sounds just like when Harry Truman called Douglas MacArthur to the Oval Office and told him, “You Shall Not Return”.

***** UPDATE ON “The Ponz” *****

According to his cellmate, disgraced Financier Bernie Madoff “made off” with 9 billion dollars by secretly funneling it to friends before he confessed to cops in 2008.

- And let me tell you that money is going to come in pretty handy when he strolls out of prison 149 years from now!

*****

In one of the least surprising findings of all time, a Yale study proved that kids want foods that have Shrek or Scooby-Doo on the package. In the study, up to 85 percent of kids preferred snacks that came from a box featuring a cartoon character and just over half believed that a snack from a container with a picture of Shrek or Scooby actually tasted better.

- You mean it doesn’t?

- That must be the reason I wouldn’t eat spinach as a kid… My mom bought the off-brand that didn’t have Popeye on the label!

- To be honest, if “Sally the Salmon” wasn’t on the package, I may never have tried my favorite breakfast cereal, “Salmon Flakes”. They’re GRRRRR-eat!

*****

And finally… One hundred years ago today, count Zeppelin started the first airship passenger service. He offered zeppelin trips from Friedrichshafen to Dusseldorf – a distance of 300 miles.

- And one hundred years ago tomorrow, a man named Hans and a flight attendant named Helga became the first members of the “Mile High Zeppelin Club”.

Have a great day! See you right back here tomorrow…

-Dick

JOIN BIG AL FOR A NIGHT OF BIG LAUGHS!

June 21, 2010

Hi, Big Al here! Well, it’s been almost 3 months since I’ve been off the air and I’m absolutely DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION AGAIN! That being said, won’t you please join me on Tuesday, June 29th at 8:00 p.m. at Joey’s Comedy Club in Livonia. I’m honored to be the Master of Ceremonies as Detroit’s Comedy All-Stars Brett Kline, Nate Fridson, Ben Konstantin and Jeff Dwoskin come together for a stellar night of comedy! Jeff Dwoskin, by the way, was the winner of Dick’s Comedy Night Out “Laugh Off” contest a couple years back at the Royal Oak Music Theater! Yes, he was funnier than me, but I’m over it.

TICKETS ARE ONLY $15 with proceeds benefiting the IMERMAN ANGELS.

WHAT AN AMAZING ORGANIZATION….Imerman Angels carefully matches and individually pairs a person touched by cancer (a cancer fighter or survivor) with someone who has fought and survived the same type of cancer (a Mentor Angel). Cancer caregivers (spouses, parents, children and other family and friends of fighters) also receive 1-on-1 connections with other caregivers and survivors. These 1-on-1 relationships inspire hope and offer the chance to ask personal questions and receive support from someone who is uniquely familiar with the experience. The service is absolutely free and helps anyone touched by any type of cancer, at any cancer stage level, at any age, living anywhere in the world.

COME HUNGRY TOO!…25% off your meal @ Kicker’s before the show with reservations and 1/2 off pizza during the show. (Just chew with your mouths closed so we don’t interrupt the comedians)

HOW TO GET YOUR TICKETS…Email jeff@jeffisfunny.com with the amount of tickets you would like to reserve. You will receive an email back with an address to send your check and you’ll be mailed tickets for the event! Must be 21 or older to attend.

More info at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=123818370975490&ref=ts

It’s a great night of laughter for a great organization. I hope to see you there!…

Thanks! Your BFF…Big Al

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 21, 2010

It’s officially Summer and Mayor Dave Bing has declared it Ernie Harwell Day!

- It’s the best idea to come out of the City of Detroit since Monica Conyers was sentenced to jail.

*****

Look Ma! No Hands!

Otis Mathis, the President of the Detroit School Board resigned after the boards superintendent claims he “entertained himself” for 20 minutes during a one-on-one meeting with her. Mathis admitted it but now says getting his job back would actually help him work through his “problem”.

- The other members took a vote… which began with a show of hands.

NOTE: Last year Mathis admitted that although he is President of the school board, he is basically illiterate. His memos were full of misspellings and grammatical errors. So the President of the Detroit School Board is illiterate… WOW!

- Now we know why; he was typing with one hand!

*****

BP CEO Tony Hayward is taking a lot of heat for taking the weekend off from trying to cap the Gulf oil leak to watch his multi-million dollar yacht race off England’s Isle of Wight.

- If they had as much oil in the water over there as we’ve got in the gulf, he could go from England to France in about 2 and a half seconds.

Speaking of the oil leak…

BP has already received 64 thousand compensation claims from people who have lost wages due to the disaster. Most are in the fishing industry, but now the Mimosa Dancing Girls Strip Club in New Orleans wants- in on the action. The owners claim that fishermen are their biggest clients and with no income, they’ve stopped coming to the club, thus impacting the dancers revenue.

- Club owners say they’ve had to lower the price for a shot and a leer…uh, beer.

- The star of the show, a Miss Fifi VaVaVoom, daughter of the club owners Eddie and Vicki VaVaVoom, plans on using the money to buy new fishnets.

*****

Arizona abruptly canceled plans to build some rope bridges for a colony of 250 endangered red squirrels so they could cross the road safely. But the plan was nixed when ABC News reported that the project would cost 1.25 million dollars and save approximately 5 squirrels a year.

- Here’s a way to save a quick 1.25 million dollars: How about just slowing down and let the squirrels cross the street?

- There’s always “Rocky the Flying Squirrel” from the Bullwinkle Show. Why not just hire him to teach the other squirrels how to fly?

- Arizona has just passed an amendment to their immigration law so now suspicious looking squirrels can be pulled over and asked if they’re in this country legally.

*****

“Toy Story 3” is a massive hit with audiences and critics… it raked in $109 million in the U.S. alone over the weekend – that’s 35 mil more than the other top ten movies made combined. The biggest flop was the comic book inspired “Jonah Hex” which took in just five million dollars.

- Hey, at least it didn’t go direct to video like one of the movies I was in, “Collision Course”.

*****

Gospel Singer Roger Menees of Illinois set a new Guinness world record for the lowest note ever hit by a human voice. Menees voice registered 0.393 hertz, a very low F-Sharp.

- The record for the highest note ever is currently held by John Wayne Bobbitt.

*****

On this date in 1948, Dr. Peter Goldmark of CBS Laboratories demonstrated the first successful long-playing record. Before that, records could only hold one song on each side.

- Another benefit of the “Long Playing Record”? Us radio guys could finally take bathroom breaks!

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget the fireworks on the Detroit River tonight! I will continue my tradition of standing in front of the TV watching Channel 4’s Devon Scillian and Carmen Harlan - with a sparkler in my hand!

P.S. Hope you all had a great Father’s Day! And for those of you still waiting for the DNA tests to come back… I hope you get the results you’re hoping for!

"The Week that Was…"

June 18, 2010

Another Friday… another busy week…

First of all, for all of you who were kind enough to donate $240 to my Radiothon for the Salvation Army’s Bed and Bread Club… I have good news. “The Plate’s in the mail!” I know you’ve been waiting a long time and I apologize… We were told by the company firing the commemorative plates that they would be ready in April. But as is so often the case, there was a “production delay” (whatever that means). The point is, they’re on the way even as we speak. I thank you for your patience and your generosity!

Now a look back at the week…

- Judge David Groner kicked Kwame’s request to attend a 90-day boot camp to the curb. That means no early parole… Speaking of that, does anybody know the visiting schedule at the prison up north? I’m thinking of heading to the Traverse City Cherry Festival in July…

- After much thought, “The Wizard of Iz”, Tom Izzo decided he’s staying at MSU… despite a big bucks offer to move to the NBA and coach the Cleveland Cavs. Kudos to the coach for picking the “Green and White” instead of just the “Green”…

- Sadly, oil continues gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Watching BP CEO Tony Hayward being grilled by Congress made me think he should have his “BP” checked or he’s going to have a stroke.

- Perhaps the most shocking news this week came just this morning: Franco-American announced that “Spaghetti-O’s with Meatballs” are being recalled. Apparently there is a concern that the meatballs weren’t cooked at a high enough temperature. There go my Friday night dinner plans…

- Speaking of meatballs… US Magazine is reporting that Kate Gosselin has a set of twins we didn’t know about! Apparently her bodyguard convinced her to get breast implants last spring. No wonder she was so lead-footed on Dancing With The Stars… she was top-heavy!

On a personal note…

Gail and I took care of my daughter Jessica’s kids (The Amazing Preston, 8, and equally amazing Jack, 6) and Jackie’s son, 8 year old Charlie - who’s amazing, too (I had to say that) one night this week. We had dinner at a Coney Island and I actually refrained from lecturing the boys on what the hot dogs and cheese fries can do to their arteries.

If I may digress for just a second… Why is it that French Fries are so bad for you and at the same time are THE GREATEST TASTING FOOD IN THE WORLD? (With the possible exception of Cheetos!!!)

Anyway, after dinner it was back to the house for a two-and-a-half hour crash course on the wonders of “Pokemon”. For those not “in the know” like me, Pokemon are animated Japanese creatures that star in a never-ending series of TV shows, movies and video games. Being the good guy that I am, I pretended to listen, smiled and threw in the occasional, “Wow!” as the boys thumbs flew over their hand-held players faster than Kwame texting Christine. “Archeus from the Sinho Region just used the Hyper Beam against Charmander!” declared, Charlie. “All right!”, I said. “That’s great!” And in that instant, I realized I was busted. The looks on their faces said it all: Archeus using the Hyper Beam against Charmander was not a good thing at all. “Haven’t you been paying attention?” Jack said. You’d have thought I just intentionally ran over their bikes with my car. Whatever happened to throwing a ball around the backyard?

Kids, of course brings us to the fact that Sunday is “Father’s Day”, (or as Maury Povich and Jerry Springer call it, “Father’s DNA Day”).

Happy Father’s Day to all you Dad’s out there! Hope it’s a great weekend!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 17, 2010

Have You Married a Ford Lately?

After dating for nearly a decade, Calista “Ally McBeal” Flockhart and Harrison “Indiana Jones” Ford finally tied the knot! The ceremony was performed in New Mexico by Governor Bill Richardson.

- So I guess this means Harrison’s no longer “Han SOLO”

- Calista’s “Brothers & Sisters” co-star Sally Field couldn’t attend the wedding because, go figure, it was the one-day of the month she had to be home in L.A. to take her Boniva.

*****

Kind of makes that Free Turkey your boss gave you last Christmas seem pretty lame…

Oprah celebrated the 10^th anniversary of her “O” magazine by giving everyone on the staff 10 thousand dollars and a brand new iPad with an engraved leather case. And here’s the thing… it doesn’t matter how long you’ve worked at the company – you still got the “thank you” gift.

- Keeping in the Mac theme, she gave her longtime boyfriend Steadman an Apple… no, just an apple.

Speaking of People Rolling in Dough…

Last year, Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a private (and secretive) dinner for other billionaires including one of the Rockefellers and Oprah. Fortune Magazine now reports the dinner was actually a fundraiser… Gates and Buffet want the billionaires to help the world by pledging to give away at least half of their fortunes to worthy causes now or upon their deaths.

- How much you want to bet they all voted for the “upon my death” option?

- A billion dollars… let’s see that’s nine zeros. Except for the Hilton family where it comes out to eleven zeros – if you count Paris and Nicky.

*****

Which brings us to the Charlie Sheen Car-Knapping Mystery…

Someone stole Charlie Sheen’s Mercedes in the middle of the night, rolled it over a 100 foot cliff, and left it running at the bottom of a ravine with its light on. Curiously, the exact same thing happened five months ago to Charlie’s Bentley.

- Police are looking for 5000 hookers who Charlie short-changed… on the tab!

- Investigators say they do have have leads so far on Two and a Half irate husbands. (Two of the guys are really mad… the other guy’s just sort of ticked off.)

*****

The FDA announced yesterday that a pill touted as “the female Viagra” showed disappointing results in two studies. The so-called “Little Pink Pill” is supposed to boost the sex drive in premenopausal women but women taking the pill showed no significant increase in desire. On the up side, the women said they were a bit more satisfied when they did have sex.

- Of course the women who were the most satisfied were the ones given the placebo sugar pill.

- When they found out the pill didn’t work, the researchers suggested the old fashioned approach: just give her a gift certificate to DSW and a Whitman’s Sampler.

- I want someone to develop a pill that would help me understand why the people in the Cialis commercials have two antique bathtubs in their backyard.

*****

The NY Post reports that Greyhound Bus driver Duane Snipes was fired and charged with grand larceny for allegedly taking a $600,000 bus from an NYC bus terminal to Mount Vernon, New York. Snipes originally said he took the bus to take his daughter to school… but finally admitted he stole it so he could go visit his girlfriend.

- Apparently his girlfriend said, “why don’t you just hop on a bus and come see me?”… so he did.

- If you think his boss was upset, you should’ve seen the bus passengers!

*****

Police in Florida have arrested a man who allegedly became enraged because Burger King ran out of lemonade. When the manager at the drive-thru told him they were out, he got out of his pick up truck, grabbed her by the collar and started screaming at her. He was later arrested for battery.

- The manager said she won’t press charges… but did call the man “a real sourpuss”.

- I don’t know why he wanted lemonade to start with… sounds like he’d already had a ton of Orange Juice… with Vodka.

While we’re on the subject of Juice…

It was on this day in 1994 that millions of people watched O.J. Simpson lead Los Angeles police on a slow-speed car chase in his white Ford Bronco before being arrested for double-murder.

- Of course we didn’t realize it at the time, but that ride gave network execs the idea for “Reality Shows”. OJ should have been given the death penalty just for that.

*****

Steve Wilson, an employee for DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal in St. Louis, is one honest guy. While picking up some dog poop, he noticed some bills sticking out of it. He pulled the money out, sanitized it, and returned it to the pet’s owner. The total take: $58.

- Kind of gives new meaning to the expression, “Filthy Rich”.

- Now we know why bear’s do it in the woods… They don’t want anyone to find their “savings deposits”.

- The company wanted to give him a bonus, but Mr. Wilson insisted he was just “doing his doody”.

- Now when he makes calls, his customers always greet him with a friendly, “Howdy Doody!”

On the "Banks" of the Red Cedar, There's a Coach You Can "Bank" On For Life!

June 16, 2010

He’s staying put! As well he should! He’s where he belongs!

But enough about Kwame Kilpatrick not going to Boot Camp! Let’s all get in the Izzone!!! Thank you Tom! A grateful Michigan State thanks you and for that matter a grateful State of Michigan thanks you.

(Photo Courtesy of clickondetroit.com)

Sure, the ordeal lasted an excruciating nine days, but when Green smoke billowed from the Breslin Center on the campus of MSU Tuesday night we finally knew that the Spartans had a basketball coach for life. And we finally were informed why it took 9 days. And I loved it. The Coach said his daughter, a freshman in high school, was in the middle of finals and he didn’t want her to be distracted! He said he didn’t talk about the coaching decision with his family for four days because of that! (Talk about a critical time out!) You want to talk priorities?

School finals or no school finals, make no mistake, Tom Izzo earned the right to think about it. This wasn’t a question of loyalty; Tom had already given MSU 27 years of blood, sweat and tears. This wasn’t just a question of money; although Tom is going to have to make due on $3 million dollars a year instead of $6 million a year. Tom Izzo used the same values and principals in making this coaching decision that he used protecting his daughter. He knows what really matters. Tom is a father for life and now he’s Michigan State’s basketball coach for life. And Coach Izzo’s kids and the kids he teaches about basketball and life - both on and off the hardwood - are better off for it.

Look ladies and gentlemen, do you realize how many times New York and L.A. radio stations came calling during my tenure with Dick Purtan? Do you realize how easily I could’ve bolted, leaving hundreds of thousands of adoring fans behind? Do you realize how many offers of millions of dollars, lavish homes, beautiful women, and expensive cars I turned down to stay with Dick Purtan and Purtan’s Peop….

WE INTERUPT THIS BLOG TO WAIT FOR THIS FANTASY OF BIG AL’S TO COME TO A CLOSE. STAND BY, PLEASE………

Hello? Oh. Okay, I’m back. Sorry, I went a way for a awhile but I’m back now. Let me see, uh, oh yeah…

Folks, when we lost Ernie Harwell, our community lost a man of great integrity, honesty, loyalty, passion and compassion; a shining example of what a person should be. And now a man, who in many ways is cut from that same cloth, albeit rougher around the edges, is here to stay. This is not just a win for MSU, it is a win for all of us. Whether you wear Green & White or Maize & Blue, there’s no denying that Coach Tom Izzo, born and raised in Michigan, is one our State’s most valuable “Natural Resources”.

One final thing. As Dick stated on his Facebook late Tuesday night, I do have one surprise to reveal. More than a surprise really, more like a secret that I kept to myself on the air for 14 years. No, not THAT secret. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The other secret?……

I’M A MICHIGAN STATE GRAD!!! IT’S TRUE! COMMUNICATION ARTS MAJOR CLASS OF, OF, OF…NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! GO GREEN, GO WHITE! AND GO TOM IZZO!… Big Al over and out.

(Photo Courtesy of msuspartans.com)

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 15, 2010

No Camp for Kwame…

Yesterday, Judge David Groner denied Kwame Kilpatrick’s request to be sent to a Prison “Boot Camp” that would have made him eligible for parole in just 90 days. But critics say the former Mayor still has it pretty good in the slammer… He’s isolated from the other prisoners, he’s got his own cell, bathroom and gets to watch TV.

- His favorite show? Re-runs of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!”

- Since he gets to shower alone, the only “Cheeks” he has to see is when his mom comes to visit.

*****

A Los Angeles court sentenced a man who pleaded no contest to stalking Ryan Seacrest to two years in state prison and ordered him to stay away from Seacrest and his workplace for the next 10 years.

- I always wondered what happened to Clay Aiken.

- If I were this guy, I wouldn’t tell my fellow inmates what I’m in for!

*****

They Don’t Call It the Land of Fruits and Nuts for Nothing…

A California law bans people from profiting from a divorce if they tried to kill their spouse, but – and this is a Kim Kardashian size but – they can still collect if they hired someone else to do the deed. Now some politicians there have proposed a new law that would specifically prevent wives from getting anything in a divorce if the hitman they hire is unsuccessful.

- NOTE TO DISGRUNTLED WIVES IN CALIFORNIA: Ask your hitman for references before you hire him!

- Too bad OJ’s in Prison… this sounds like a whole new career opportunity for him.

- Of course if you divorce a big-time celebrity in Hollywood, you can make a killing without actually making a killing.

- I don’t think they should change the law, husbands and wives should just change the pre-nup!

- It’s a good thing Tiger Woods lives in Florida…

*****

A 74 year old woman in Boise, Idaho, was arrested for allegedly pouring a jar of mayonnaise down the book return slot of her local library. Police say she’s a “person of interest” in a string of at least 10 incidents where librarians have found various condiments in the book drop slot.

- Her family says she can’t be guilty as she always uses “Miracle Whip”.

- Because of all the condiments, the library is changing over to the “Gooey Decimal System”.

- I can’t understand how it took the police so long to Ketchup with her…

- The Librarians say her arrest is long “over due”.

- Her lawyer insisted on postponing the case until he can he can have her evaluated at the Mayo Clinic.

*****

A 26 year old man in Bavaria walked into a Hell’s Angels clubhouse, pulled down his shorts, mooned the bikers, threw a puppy at them, then fled. He stole a frontloader from a construction site and headed for Munich, but the vehicle moved so slowly it caused a three mile traffic jam. After police nabbed him, it was discovered that he had forgotten to take his anti-depression medication.

- No disrespect intended, but any guy who moons the Hell’s Angels isn’t depressed… he’s suicidal!

- Hey… at least he didn’t put mayonnaise down a book return slot.

*****

Stunning news in the Sex Department…

Researchers in Toronto have revealed that nearly one in twelve people studied at a sleep clinic admitted to initiating or engaging in some kind of romantic romping while asleep. It’s call “Sexsomnia”. The study’s leader says it’s not a problem as long as your partner doesn’t mind and that the only drawback is that it can leave you tired the next day.

- Having sex and sleeping at the same time? Who says men can’t “multi-task”?

- The men in the study weren’t that tired the next day… after all, they’d only been active for two or three minutes.

- The dangerous part is smoking the cigarette afterwards.

*****

On this day in 1752, Ben Franklin flew a kite during a storm to prove that lightning was a discharge of electricity…

- For the first time, wives had a place to tell their husbands to go when they were mad at ‘em.

Also on this date in 1844, Charlie Goodyear received a patent on his process for vulcanizing rubber. But he didn’t profit from it.

- Poor guy… he died “Flat” broke.

- To this day, his family has his body rotated twice a year.

3 Comments

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 14, 2010

“And Forever May She Wave!”

It’s Flag Day! On this day in 1777, the U.S. Congress authorized the original American flag, with 13 red and white stripes and 13 white stars on a blue field.

- Right after that, they passed a five hundred dollar “Stimulus Bill” to try and get the economy moving.

- Betsy Ross was disappointed… she was hoping they’d pick a design that wasn’t so hard to sew.

- It’s also my daughter Jennifer’s Birthday… I’d tell you how old she is today, but I’m allergic to stun guns.

*****

The U.S. was flying Old Glory high on Saturday when the U.S. Soccer team stunned Britain (and the world) by coming up with a 1-1 tie in the first round of World Cup Soccer. The tie, considered by many a “victory” for the Americans came when the British Goalie missed an easy block, allowing for the goal.

- The Brits immediately blamed Umpire Jim Joyce for making what they said was “A bad call”.

- Prince Phillips wife, Camilla, was said to be so upset she immediately went to the barn to lay down.

- So the British Soccer team can’t block a goal… and British Petroleum can’t block the oil spill. I think I see a pattern here…

*****

Also on the calendar…

On this date in 1922, Warren G. Harding became the first president heard on the radio. He was broadcast on WEAR in Baltimore.

- The President gave the weather forecast and then announced that the 10^th caller would get backstage passes to the Enrico Caruso concert.

- Hey, his radio career lasted almost a long as mine in Baltimore! Remember, I got fired after five weeks for making fun of then-governor Spiro Agnew and also for being “too wild” for the town. (Imagine mild-mannered me being “too wild” for anything?!?!)

And on this date in 1974, Dr. Henry Heimlich announced the invention of the “Heimlich Maneuver”.

- When the medical community realized how simple it was, some doctors nearly choked on their lunch.

*****

Sarah Palin has responded to rampant Internet rumors that she had a boob job. Palin issued a statement that she does not have implants and wishes that people would concentrate on things like helping people in the gulf instead of her cleavage…

- Bill Clinton said, “Hey… I can see Sarah Palin’s boobs from my house!”

- Real or not… they’re still not as big as Barney Franks.

- If you want to see the biggest boobs in Politics… just take a look at Congress.

*****

Stick a Fork In It… That Theme Line’s Done!

Because of slipping sales, the National Pork Board is looking for a replacement for their long-time slogan, “Pork. The Other White Meat”.

- How about these: “Don’t Forget to Get This Little Piggy When You Go to Market!”… “We Will Sell No Swine Before It’s Time”… “All We Are Saying… Is Give Pork a Chance”.

- Come up with the winning slogan and you could end up bringing home the bacon!

- NOTE: Gotta a slogan? Just click on our Facebook page and post it there… or here… by clicking the “comment button” at the top of this page.

*****

While were on the topic of meat… Sausage king (and singer) Jimmy Dean has passed away at the age of 81.

- In lieu of a funeral, the family will be holding a “Brown & Memorial SERVE-ice”.

- They say Jimmy loved and sold pork… right up until the day it killed him.

*****

And finally… Elvis Presley’s Graceland estate has signed a deal to market the first Elvis version of Mr. Potato Head. The toy will debut during Elvis Tribute Week in August.

- You are what you eat, and Elvis is now a potato.

3 Comments

"The Week that Was…"

June 11, 2010

Another Friday… another eventful week.

Joran Van der Sloot. As Ernie Harwell would say, “He’s looonnnggg gone!” for killing that girl in Peru. I saw a prison expert on TV say that the Peruvian jails are the worst in the world with dozens of prisoners jammed into tiny cells with nothing but a hole in the floor for a john. Just where the sleaze belongs.

Which leads us to Kwame… no murders, just a vicious hatchet job on the people and city of Detroit. Sentenced to one and a half to 5 years in prison – he may now enter a “boot camp”, which would make him eligible for parole in just 90 days. Here’s hoping Judge David Groner sticks to his guns and “boots” Kwame’s big butt back to his cell for the next one-and-a-half years to five. (Although if he does let Kwame go… I’m going to have go back to being pen pals with Bernie Madoff).

By the way, did you see that Mayor Dave Bing has announced that the new Detroit Police Headquarters will be the old MGM Grand Casino? Makes sense to me… the place has always been filled with one-armed bandits.

What’s in a name? Apparently a lot. Chevrolet execs announced that from now on, their cars will not be referred to as “Chevy’s” but Chevrolets. Being a radio guy, my first thought was, “Hmmm… does this mean Don McLean is going to have to re-record the lyrics of his classic, “American Pie”? Instead of, “I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry” will it go something like, “I drove my Chevrolet to the Lev-ro-let”?(I’m no Gershwin - or Lady Gaga for that matter, but I know most songs rhyme). Frankly I’m just amazed that I actually remembered the words to a song I only played 2 or 3 thousand times.

On a personal note… it was a hectic week. (And I’m not just talking about the fifteen minutes I tried convincing the sample lady at Costco that I really wasn’t interested in trying the “Marinated Pork Sausage in A Blanket”…)

I spent one night enjoying the all-American pastime – no, not watching the premiere of “Kate Plus Eight” – I’m talking baseball. My two nephews, uh, grandson’s, Jack and Adam (ages 6 and 7) took on another group of kids with equal athletic prowess. Sometime during the third inning, it occurred to me that all the kids were wearing protective helmets. I said to my daughter, JoAnne, Adam’s mom, “When I played as a kid, we never wore helmets… and we liked it!” JoAnne responded, “Well that explains a lot…” Hmmm. Note to self: Revise Will!

Gail and I are going to a dinner party tonight – an intimate gathering of some radio people. It’s a casual deal with everybody bringing something. After a lengthy discussion we decided on a fruit tray.

So it was back to Costco. Back to passing by the sample lady. This time, it was a “Mini-Corn Dog On a Stick” with a low-fat yogurt dipping sauce. It seems to me that if you’re gonna eat a corn dog, the fat content of the dipping sauce doesn’t really matter. Although it would have been perfect for the State Fair. NOT!!!!!

Hope you had a great week – and here’s to an even better weekend!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

June 10, 2010

He’s only served two weeks of his 1 and ½ year sentence, but the Michigan Department of Corrections is proposing that Kwame Kilpatrick head to boot camp with parole possible in just 90 days. He is currently in a prison near Traverse City.

- Kwame immediately texted the Department seconding the motion…

- He’s the only guy I know who gets sentenced to 5 years in jail and then ends up going to the prison equivalent of “Summer Camp”.

- So if you see something big and orange by the side of the road this summer, it might not be a construction barrell - it might be Kwame.

- If all goes well, he could be paroled in time to compete in the Traverse City Cherry Pit Spitting Competition!

*****

The Sun Tabloid reports that Britney Spears’ top bodyguard has quit and is thinking of suing her for sexual harassment. Ex-cop Fernando Flores says that Britney is, “a nightmare to deal with, her emotions are totally out of control…she runs around the house naked yelling at staff”. Fernando says he quit because Brit started coming on to him and he wouldn’t give in…

- He doesn’t want to have sex with Britney? So he’s either gay or has a super-high co-pay for antibiotics.

- Not the sharpest tool in the shed, Flores has reportedly applied for a bodyguard job for Madonna.

- Let me get this straight… Emotions out of control, running around the house naked yelling at people? I’ve got three letters for you: “PMS”.

*****

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney has confirmed that her client’s ankle bracelet, which detects alcohol in body sweat, did go off at an MTV Awards party last week… (Lindsay is forbidden from imbibing) but insists she believes Lindsay has complied with the “no-drinking” provision of her probation.

- Her attorney blamed it on her perfume, “Chanel No. 5 - 40 Proof”.

- …and the soap she uses… “Irish WHISKEY Spring”. Manly, yes. But Lindsay likes it, too!

- Miss Lohan wasn’t available for comment… she was over at Britney Spears’ house running around naked.

*****

Alvin Greene, the unknown, unemployed veteran who won the South Carolina Democratic primary without taking a dime in campaign contributions is coming under fire… He’s facing a felony charge for allegedly showing obscene Internet photos to a female college student and faces up to five years in prison.

- He ran as a member of the “Tea and A” Party.

*****

A 57-year-old woman from Ohio has been sentenced to three days in jail for repeatedly calling 911 to complain that she needed a husband. (She admits alcohol was involved).

- Instead of 911 she should have called 411 and just asked for some guys numbers.

- $50 bucks says she’s the star of next season’s “The Bachelorette”.

*****

Donna Simpson of New Bridge, New Jersey wants to become the world’s heaviest living woman. The mother of two already weigh’s over 600 pounds and wears size XXXXL clothes. Her fiancé says she’s “very sexy” and is 100% behind her goal of reaching one thousand pounds.

- In a twist, after the ceremony, the bride will carry the groom across the threshold.

- They couple has hired a special high-speed photographer to capture the “cake eating” ceremony.

- She’s got a reality show in the works called, “Donna Plus 8… Hundred Pounds”.

- Hmmmm… XXXXXL. I believe that’s the next Superbowl that the Lion’s actually have a chance of playing in.

*****

You’ve probably seen the video by now… Philadelphia Phillies fans were shocked during Sunday’s game when the stadium cameras picked up what appeared to be a 3 or 4-year-old boy with a beer bottle in his mouth. Officials say they haven’t been able to identify the little guy but assume the bottle was empty at the time.

- Still, they’re going to change the beers’ slogan to: “Tastes Great. Less Filling…In A Diaper”.

- The incident gave the kid’s dad a great idea… He’s going to wear “Pull-Ups” to every game so he’ll never miss a pitch!

- Umpire Jim Joyce said giving beer to a kid is, “a bad call”. And this time he was right!

*****

BIRTHDAY NEWS…

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, celebrates his 89^th birthday today.

- As a very special gift, the Queen has announced that she will spend the entire day holding his scepter.