"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Radio Host Rush Limbaugh got married for the 4^th time over the weekend.  His bride, Kathryn Rogers is 26 years his junior.  The guest list was filled with celebrities – mostly conservatives with one notable exception:  Rush paid renowned liberal and gay rights activist Elton John one million bucks to perform at the reception. 

- Actually Rush sent an invitation to England addressed to “The Queen” and Elton showed up.

- Rush and his bride received 4 Blenders, Two Espresso Machines and hundreds of “Mega-Dittos”.

- When they exchanged rings, his wife placed the gold band on Rush’s “formerly nicotine stained finger”. 

*****

The Free Press reports that Michigan forest ecologist Marvin Roberson wanted to honor his favorite tree, the White Pine by putting it’s Latin name on his license plate.  The only problem?  The Latin name for “White Pine” is “Pinus”.  Officials rejected the name claiming that since most people don’t speak Latin, they might misinterpret the meaning.

- Sounds like a case of “Pinus Envy” to me.

- I’ll bet making that plate would’ve caused quite a stir among the prisoners in the prison license plate shop.

- Speaking of prison… I heard Kwame originally wanted that plate on the back of his Escalade.

- To show there are no hard feelings, Roberson has ordered special plates for the officials honoring his second favorite tree… They read, “Ash”.

*****

The University of Illinois did a study involving 550 Judges and found that most disputes could end faster and more cheaply if the defendants would just say they’re sorry.  They staged dozens of hypothetical cases ranging from car accidents to divorces and each time the defendant gave a sincere sounding apology, the plaintiff’s anger was reduced.  The only problem is, Lawyers tell their clients to NEVER APOLOGIZE because it sounds like an admission of guilt…

- And the shorter the trial, the less they can charge the defendant. 

- I don’t understand… Kwame apologized and he got sentenced to up to 5 years.  Oh, wait, they said the apology had to sound “sincere”. 

- INTERESTING NOTE:  Did you notice that Tony Hayward, the CEO of BP, is running TV commercials in which he says BP is taking complete responsibility for cleaning up the spill, but not for the spill itself? 

*****

- A French Psychologist, Eric Bui, watched the “Star Wars” Prequels and has developed an interesting theory.  He says that Anakin Skywalker turned into Darth Vader because of a borderline personality disorder instead of “The Force”.  He claims Anakin showed instability as a teen and going to “The Dark Side” would be the equivalent of turning to drugs. 

- I’m pretty sure somebody is taking drugs and I’m thinking it’s this French Psychologist.

- He also believes R2D2 rode on big giant spaceships to compensate for being so short.  (Get it… “Pinus Envy”. Still confused?  Check out the license plate story above!)

- Next up… the psychologist will reveal the real reason behind the break-up of Dean Martin and French hero, Jerry Lewis.

*****

Last Thursday night in Dallas, Texas, traffic was backed up on a major highway when a truckload of Honey Maid Graham Crackers overturned.  The next day, traffic was worse when commuters stopped their cars, jumped out and began grabbing some of the hundreds of boxes scattered along the road. 

- If only another truck filled with marshmallows and chocolate bars had rear-ended the first truck… They could have had quite a party! 

"The Week that Was…"

It might have been a short work-week, but what a week it was! 

One more time around on the “Perfect Game that Wasn’t But We All Know Was”… I noticed that in the still pictures, the umpire Jim Joyce is staring at Galarraga’s glove with the ball in it, instead of the first base bag.  I’ve always heard that umpires watch the base with their eyes and listen with their ears to hear the sound of the ball hitting the glove.  That’s how they make the calls.  Obviously, you can’t look at both things at the same time.  So that’s the way it’s done.  It did not appear from the photos that that’s the way Joyce did it and therefore that’s why he made the bad call.  Just a thought… Also, I think it’s total bull that Bud Selig, the Baseball Commissioner did not reverse the call and give Galarraga the out and therefore the perfect game – since the video proves, and the umpire himself has repeatedly stated, that he got it wrong.  Even though it’s against the rules of baseball to review anything but a questionable homerun, in this particular case of a pitcher throwing a perfect game, an exception should be made to the rule.  A wrong should always be righted! 

But there is a positive side to all of this…

After the initial shock and dismay over the “Galarraga Incident”, Detroiters showed the nation what kind of town we really are:  A classy and forgiving one.  Not only did the umpire, the pitcher and the coach all act like complete gentlemen – but for the most part - the fans were equally as gracious.  I can’t tell you how many e-mails and Facebook posts I received about people who, instead of being angry, felt deeply sorry for Jim Joyce – many saying they were praying for him.  There were no over-turned cars, nothing set on fire… just an amazing sense of good sportsmanship all around.  What started out as an “I Can’t Believe He Just Did That” moment turned into a very public and much needed shot in the arm for a city that too often is looked down upon.  This play, this game, and the positive way it was handled have now entered baseball lore and will be remembered for all time.  Isn’t that amazing?! 

Have a great weekend!

-Dick

"REMEMBER – NO ONE IS PERFECT, THAT’S WHY PENCILS HAVE ERASERS"

Hi, it’s Big Al.  Won’t you sing along with me?  On three.  1, 2, 3…

Take me out to the ball game,

Take me out with the crowd,

Buy me some peanuts and VALIUM AND ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!!!

Poor Tiger’s pitcher Armando Galarraga!  Poor Tiger fans. Wow!  What a memorable night at Comerica Park!  On what should have been the 27^th consecutive out and a perfect game for Galarraga over Cleveland, an umpire’s call turned a game that should have been a “Field of Dreams” into a NIGHTMARE on Elm Street!  Veteran umpire Jim Joyce publicly admitted after seeing the replay he “BLEW IT” when he called Cleveland’s Jason Donald safe at first base on an infield hit.  Joyce said, and I quote, “I just cost that kid a perfect game”.  But ONLY after he saw the replay.  We should all be so lucky to have a chance to rewind our lives to make a wrong a right.  Look, I’m not going to describe that fateful play in detail because those replays are EVERYWHERE!  And speaking of replays…

In baseball, home runs can be reviewed to make sure they were indeed home runs.  But there are no rules in place to overturn a play other than a home run.  However, there is talk today that Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig could intervene.  Not sure if this is accurate, but the story is circulating.  But the damage has been done.  Even if time is turned back, Galarraga can’t go back and feel that moment of incomparable exhilaration.  He can’t be mobbed by the players in front of screaming fans.  (Although his teammates did douse him with beer in the locker room calling it a ”28 out perfect game”.)  So what’s left to do?  Some observations:

-  Bravo for Umpire Jim Joyce for admitting his mistake and not just to the press.  After the game he personally went to Galarraga and apologized.  He will carry the pain of blowing that call the remainder of his life.  I hope the public will cut him some slack.

-  Bravo to Manager Jim Leyland for his class remarks after the game.  He invoked the “to err is human” philosophy and praised Jim Joyce for being a very good umpire over the last 23 years.

-  And perhaps most importantly, a HUUUUUUGE bravo to Armando Galarraga for being such a gentlemen in the heat of the moment.  He knows he pitched a perfect game, but he forgave the umpire for not being perfect.

The irony is, this “NON-PERFECT-SHOULD-HAVE-BEEN-A-PERFECT-GAME” Game will probably get more attention and be talked about more than any other perfect game in baseball history.  I have to agree with Matt Lauer, who this morning on the TODAY Show said that while Galarraga’s misfortune is painful, there just may be a valuable lesson in this for kids about sportsmanship.  I’m an old sweet and sensitive sap, but I agree whole-heartedly.  Life is not perfect and last night we were all reminded that we humans aren’t either.  Although in my opinion Heidi Klum comes close.  Sorry, I digress.  Let’s just say that on a perfect night a less than perfect moment gave us a perfect example about what life is really all about.  Our beloved Ernie Harwell once said:  “Baseball is a lot like life.  It’s a day-to-day existence, full of ups and downs.  You make the most of your opportunities in baseball as you do in life.”  Ernie is most certainly looking down from Heaven today, smiling, knowing that in the end, “the game” will always give you more than it takes away.  As Ernie would say:  “That’s baseball.”  I hope I have at least made myself “perfectly” clear.  So…

Take me out to the ball game,

Take me out with the crowd,

Buy me some peanuts and hopefully some peace of mind for Armando Galarraga and Umpire Jim Joyce!

**********

I’m Big Al Muskavito.  Now go out and have a perfect day…or at least come close.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Charlie Sheen has agreed to plead guilty to a misdemeanor for allegedly threatening to kill his wife with a knife on Christmas Eve while vacationing in Colorado.  Oh, by the way, he says he was intoxicated at the time.  Sheen’s attorney’s cut a deal which will get him just 30 days in jail – which will be cut to 15 with good behavior.

- I think this is the first time the words “Charlie Sheen” and “good behavior” have appeared in the same sentence. 

- So Charlie may only do 15 days… If only Kwame had run for Mayor of Aspen. 

- I’m sure Charlie is going to meet a lot more than Two and a Half Men in the Slammer.

- Getting drunk and trying to kill your wife with a knife on Christmas Eve… Is it just me or does this just scream “Normal Rockwell Painting”?

*****

The Supreme Court has ruled that “the right to remain silent” doesn’t mean you can actually stay silent.  They said that police have a right to interrogate a suspect – even after reading them their Miranda rights - until he or she actually says, “I’m invoking my right to remain silent”. 

- It’s kind of like that Bill Clinton thing… “It depends what your definition of ‘is’ is”.

- Speaking of Bill Clinton, I heard he’s interested in this “Miranda” person.

- Ventriloquists dummies filed an immediate appeal.

*****

Britain’s Daily Star says that since divorcing Guy Ritchie and taking up with a much younger male model, Madonna is starting to feel old.  The solution?  She’s decided to treat herself to $200,000 worth of plastic surgery. 

- Ironically, by the time the surgery’s are done she’ll have a new boy friend anyway.

- So she won’t be “Like a Virgin”… she’ll just look like one. 

- Word is that years ago Virgin Airlines put her on their “No-Fly” list.

- She’s going for that “Heidi Montag” look… but no one knows what that is since it seems to change on a daily basis. 

- The Daily Star is also reporting that Fergie, the Duchess of York, is also getting plastic surgery because she’s having trouble “saving face”. 

*****

A Doctor at Britain’s University of Birmingham claims that having dad’s present during childbirth may hurt their self-esteem.  Dr. Jonathan Ives says he believes men think they will play a more involved role in the process, then end up just holding their wife’s hand.  That allegedly makes the dad feel like a failure and makes it harder for him to bond with the baby.  The solution, he says, is for men to stay in the waiting room.

- Especially if there’s a really big sports event playing on the waiting room TV.

- Why not just have him pop in to see his wife for a minute or two… You know, like he did during the conception.

- The Hospitals where Maury Povich’s guests give birth are going to have to double the size of the waiting room since there are so many guys who could be the father!

- I had six daughters and wasn’t allowed in the delivery room for any of their births.  All the magazines in the waiting room were old, tattered, pages ripped out… I’ll tell you, when push came to shove, it was no picnic for me either!

***** 

AND FINALLY… A STORY THAT WE TOTALLY MADE UP:

Rumor has it, that the economic downturn has even hit the frozen vegetable industry.  Insiders say the “Jolly Green Giant” is flat broke and has agreed to appear in a “Soft Corn” Movie to make extra cash.  “I’m not proud, said the Giant, but I’ve got to do what’s necessary to make ends meet”.  In an attempt to maintain his dignity, the big green guy promises there will be no frontal nudity having inserted a “No Niblets” clause in his contract.  

BREAKING NEWS... TIPPER PUTS AL GORE IN LOCK BOX

According to ALL news sources, Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper are calling it quits after 40 years of marriage.  In a statement released today, the couple announced that they are separating - and that the parting is “mutual”. No further details were announced, nor will be forthcoming. While no one is happy to see any marriage break up, still we’re in the comedy business. Thusly… 

- Al may believe in Global Warming… but Tipper says things are rather cool in the bedroom. 

- In the pool “Who Would Divorce First, the Gore’s or the Clinton’s” I picked the Clintons.  What was I thinking?

- Somewhere in Florida a woman has chained herself to a desk demanding a recount.  

- Maybe Tipper wasn’t happy with Al’s “Hanging Chad”!

- It all started when Al found out that Tipper voted for George W. instead of him… Talk about “An Inconvenient Truth”.  

- Rumor has it that Al is now sleeping on John Edwards couch and that Bill Clinton has flown to Tennessee to “console” Tipper.  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

The British Press is reporting that Lady Gaga is afraid of ghosts and has hired so-called “Ghostbusters” to clear the area back stage before all of her future performances.  She is allegedly terrified of “bad energy”. 

- The head of the Local Ghost Union, who goes by the name “Casper”insists all ghosts are friendly.  He added, “Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.  We Ghosts are actually afraid of her”.

From Gaga to Godiva…

On yesterday’s date in 1678, Lady Godiva rode naked through Coventry, England to protest high taxes. 

- Coincidentally yesterday Lady Gaga rode through Coventry, England on horseback fully clothed.  Why?  Because she’s weird. 

*****

Superman made his first appearance in the comics on this date in 1938 – meaning he turns 72 today.

- And thanks to Cialis he’s still able to tell Lois Lane, “Up, Up and Away!”

*****

Chinese scientists have finally figured out why the Great Wall has stood for 600 years.  Turns out the mortar holding the bricks together is a mixture of lime and sticky rice flour.  It has such a strong microstructure that even after six centuries, weeds can’t grow between the bricks.

- The scientists discovered this by accident… They just picked one item from Column A and one from Column B.

- This my friends is the real “Ancient Chinese Secret”

- Here’s an idea:  Why doesn’t BP mix up a batch to try and plug the oil gusher in the Gulf!

*****

Fergie, the Dutchess of York appears on Oprah today where she will reportedly claim that she was broke and drunk when she was caught on videotape offering to sell access to her ex, Prince Andrew for $700,000.  Us Weekly reports that she’s a shopaholic who wants to appear on “Dancing with the Stars”.

- Wait… a shopaholic who wants to be on DWTS. Are they talking about Fergie or Oprah? 

- Let’s see… Fergie likes to get drunk, trade cash for influence and spend a lot of money.  I say we elect her to Congress.

- I think she’s going on Oprah in the hopes of winning a new car!

***** 

Speaking of celebrities (sort of) reality-show star Heidi Montag and her reality show husband Spencer Pratt have separated.  Heidi, who recently underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day claims that Spencer is “brainwashing” her. 

- Which, I believe, is impossible if one doesn’t have a brain. 

Reps for the couple say they have no plans to divorce – that this is just a “hiccup” in their relationship.

- If you’ve seen pictures of Heidi’s new implants you know that if she hiccups she could knock herself unconscious.

- Spencer says he’s so commited to making it work, he’s willing to become a whole new guy.  Why not?  She’s already become a whole new girl. 

*****

The food police at the Center for Science in the Public Interest have just announced their picks for the nine least healthy restaurant items in America.  Included on the list:  California Pizza Kitchen’s Tostada Pizza with grilled steak (which has the calorie and fat equivalent of a pepperoni pizza with six beef tacos on top) and the Cheesecake Factory’s Chocolate Tower Truffle Cake.  Weighing in at ¾ of a lb. it has over 1600 calories and is the equivalent of eating 14 Hostess Ho-Hos. 

- Didn’t Tiger Woods date a Hostess Ho-Ho?

- Nutritionists say you’d have to be a “Ding-Dong” to eat this stuff.

- But it’s okay as long as you wash it all down with a Diet pop.

An Incredible "Star-Spangled Banner"...

Happy Memorial Day!  I hope you’re having a safe, fun weekend, and I hope, like me, you’re displaying your American Flag. 

This year, I have the incredible honor of flying a one-of-a-kind Flag.  Let me go back a bit…

Some of you may remember Navy Captain David Lousman and his wonderful wife Carol.  They called us on the air one day – from Japan – where Dave is stationed.  Originally from the Detroit area, they regularly listened to our show over the internet while having dinner (there is an eleven hour time difference). We had a great talk and found out that Dave was about to become Captain and Commanding Officer of the nuclear powered aircraft carrier, the USS George Washington. The ship, which is currently stationed in the Sea of Japan, is home to 5000 service men and women… a virtual city on the water. 

Over the months, we spoke with Dave and Carol and then were thrilled when they surprised us by coming into the studio during a trip home. 

They are both exceptional people – the kind that really make you proud to be an American.    

Imagine how surprised I was when I received an official letter from Captain Lausman that the American Flag they would raise on the USS George Washington on March 26, 2010 – my last day on the air – would be flown in my honor. 

Wow.  I was stunned. 

Soon after I received a package from Dave and Carol in the mail.  It contained a video of the Flag ceremony, pictures, an official proclamation, and the actual Flag itself. 

I really don’t have the words to describe how I felt when I saw it – or how I feel now as I watch it flying out my window in the hot, humid breeze of this Memorial Day. 

But I do know that I am humbled and honored by this exceptional act of kindness, and eternally grateful to Dave and Carol, the men and women of the USS George Washington, their families – and all members of the U.S. Armed Forces – both past and present – for the incredible sacrifices they – and their loved ones make, to insure that America is, and always will be, “The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave”! 

A Tribute to the Courageous Men and Women of Our Armed Forces Who Have Made the Ultimate Sacrifice

Over the last several years I recited the following poem on the air in honor and in memory of the brave men and women who have laid down their lives so that we can live ours.

 “The Inscription” was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned this poem around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day” or as we know it today – “Memorial Day”.  Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, who was a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

Share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  It is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.

 Have a Safe Memorial Weekend…and God Bless America!

 Dick

 THE INSCRIPTION

By Annabelle Gunnett Jones

“Here lies an American Soldier

Known but to God.”

As I read the words over softly

I said to myself, “how odd!”

For I knew the Unknown Soldier

Ever since he was a lad.

He was just an average boy

Neither too good or too bad.

He liked to play ball, and marbles

Climb trees, fish and swim.

Collect moths and arrowheads

Or whatever suited his whim.

I watched him grow to Manhood

And fall in love with a fair-haired lass.

While half a war torn world away

The cry was “They shall not pass.”

I was there on the station platform

When he kissed his sweetheart goodbye.

There he started his journey

To a foreign land to die.

Letters came from o’er the billows

What a story they did tell!

Then - the message - he was missing

In the Argonne’s flaming hell.

Back across the restless ocean

To his own dear native shore.

They brought his broken body home

Here to sleep for evermore.

Back and forth, the sentry paces

With his firmly shouldered gun.

Ever guarding the sleep of the soldier

Called “Unknown” by everyone.

But I know his name, so listen!

While I tell it to everyone.

He’s not an Unknown Soldier

For his Mother called him — Son.

The Week That Was...

Friday again.  And not just Friday… the start of a long weekend!  

It was an amazing week… After dragging Detroit through the mud for what seems like forever, Kwame is finally settled in his new home.  And this time it’s not a million dollar mansion in Dallas.  I guess a realtor might describe it as “a one-bedroom, one-bathroom fixer-upper – with lots of neighbors and within walking distance of bars!”  That reminds me, I’ve got to run out and get him a cell-warming gift…

Unfortunately oil continues to gush into the Gulf of Mexico from that BP disaster…  What a tragedy!  As I write this, they’re pumping mud and golf balls into the hole to try to slow it down enough for them to pour in concrete and seal it off.  (I heard that Elin Nordegrin volunteered to have Tiger Woods go down and personally place each golf ball directly in the hole).

On a lighter note… A lot of TV shows wrapped up this week… DWTS, American Idol, Lost, 24… I think the only show that didn’t have a “MUCH-ANTICIPATED, MUST-SEE 2-HOUR SEASON FINALE” was the Local Wetlands Board Meeting on Cable Access. 

As for me… I enjoyed the fabulous weather, spent a lot of time outside reading a great book by Late Late Night Host Craig Ferguson, and really just relaxed… until I heard the words I had been dreading for weeks:

“Honey… I think it’s time to clean the garage!!!” 

Talk about a mood-wrecker. 

It’s not that I don’t help around the house… I’m great at taking out the garbage, rinsing dishes, and putting away socks.  I even replace the toilet paper (For those of you skeptics out there, I actually put it on the roll, not just balance it on top, thank-you) - but the whole “garage-thing” has always been a weak point for me.  First of all, it’s A GARAGE.  It’s supposed to get a little dirty, right?  Not according to Gail.  She has it more organized than the Ferndale Public Library. 

“What’s to clean?” I asked sheepishly.  “It looks great… honest!”  She then gave me that sweet, nice-try-but-you’re-not-getting-out-of-this look.  “We need to move the cars out, sweep, and then scrub the floor”. 

“But I have to work on tomorrows show”, I said quickly – temporarily forgetting that I didn’t have a show to work on.  Oh well! 

And so we cleaned the garage.  And I have to say… it looks exactly like it did before.  Perfect!

And that’s how I hope your weekend goes.  Speaking of which, Monday is Memorial Day and in honor of that, Saturday morning we will post the words to “The Inscription”.  It’s a beautiful piece written in the 1930’s by a Grandmother in Ohio that I’ve I read on the air over this weekend every year for the last ten years or so.   It was dedicated to those American’s lost in WWI… but her words are just as fitting today as they were then. 

God Bless America!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Move Over Florine Mark… Try the Jacktown Diet!

Now that Kwame is behind bars, details of his incarceration are coming to light.  Most importantly… the Prison Menu!  According to sources his first dinner was a choice of Pork Stew or Black Bean Stew over noodles with an Orange or Strawberry Sherbet.  Breakfast was bacon and eggs… and lunch?  A choice of a PB&J sandwich or a hot dog. That’s not a lot of food for a guy as big as Kwame!

- Word has it he already asked Carlita to bring him a nail file with a cake hidden in it.

*****

Last night, paint store clerk Lee DeWyze surprised many by beating out Crystal Bowersox to win “American Idol”.  The star studded finale featured performances from everyone from the Bee Gee’s to Alice Cooper to William Hung.  Plenty of celebs sat in the audience as well – among them, Christy Brinkley and David Hasselhoff.  Even the “Pant’s on the Ground” guy was there…

- Speaking of pants on the ground, neither Jesse James or Tiger Woods were in attendance.

- Paula Abdul surprised everyone by showing up… SOBER!

- Guest Singer Joe Cocker said Paula looked great…but added that he couldn’t understand a word she said.

- Speaking of Joe Cocker… between his and William Hung’s performances, I found myself longing for a good old-fashioned Bob Dylan song.

“SIMON SAYS”… SO LONG!

Much of the two-hour finale was devoted to paying homage to Simon Cowell who is leaving after nine seasons as the shows most famous and critical judge.  He was surprisingly humble in his goodbye speech – claiming that the viewers are the real judges…

- … then added that they are doing a horrible job.

A lot of comments came in saying that though he was harsh, viewers really appreciated Simon’s honesty. 

- So next time your boss calls you a “talentless complete waste of time” be sure to thank him for his honesty. 

Ellen DeGeneres joked that Simon “wants her” and has been hitting on her all season.

- Wait… I’m confused. I thought Ryan Seacrest was hitting on Simon all season.

*****

Yesterday, Disney was rocked by an insider trading scandal… The Feds in L.A. arrested the assistant to a top Disney exec and her boyfriend for allegedly trying to sell top-secret company info. Disney has denied one of the so-called secrets -  that they’re trying to sell ABC. 

- Everybody sing!  “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to jail they go!”

- Although to be fair, I don’t think telling people “It’s a Small World After All” qualifies as “inside information”.

- The most interesting info they had was that Mickey and Minnie Mouse are seeing a sex therapist. 

  - In a related story, it was on this date 50 years ago that Donald Duck lost his pants in an insider trading deal gone wrong.

*****

COMING TOMORROW TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU… “The Week That Was” - a thrilling wrap-up of the week’s top events and my exciting life in retirement! Do the words “clean the garage” mean anything to you? 

See ya Friday!

-Dick  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us" - Plus a Commentary by Big Al

The NFL has chosen the new open-air Meadowlands stadium in New York/New Jersey for the 2014 Superbowl game which of course is played in February.  Did you notice we said OPEN AIR…

- I guess they’re hoping Global Warming kicks in by then. 

*****

Miss America has been rescued from cable TV!  Starting next year, the pageant will be aired on ABC-TV, Channel 7.

- ABC’s plan is to get rid of the judges and have the women parade around in front of a bachelor who will pick out his favorite.  Then instead of a crown, he’ll give her a rose. 

- CBS was turned down because they wanted Charlie Sheen to be the only judge. 

- Spike TV was axed – they wanted the swimsuit competition held in a pool of Jell-O. 

*****

And now here’s Big Al with a few thoughts…

Thanks Dick and hello everyone… Well, could we say goodbye two more polar opposite Detroit personalities on Tuesday?  Kwame Kilpatrick and Steve Yzermen.  But only one of these guys has been skating on thin ice.

Observations:

Ironically on Tuesday both Kwame and Steve both got 5 years!  Kwame in the slammer (the penalty box, if you will) and “The Captain” signed for 5 years as the new General Manager for the Tampa Bay Lightening.  (Kwame probably feels like he was just hit by lightening!)

It’s hot and humid where Stevie Y is going.  And we all know one day Kwame is going to head south to a REALLY hot place.  You can stick a pitchfork in him Devil, he’s done!

Steve Yzerman signed for millions with Tampa Bay that he deserves and Kwame Kilpatrick took us for millions that he didn’t.

Steve Yzerman was a prolific scorer with a little black puck.  Kwame Kilpatrick was always looking up who to text next from his little black book.

Steve Yzerman is in the Hall of Fame and Kwame Kilpatrick is in the Hall of Shame. (thank you Fox 2)

As a leader, Steve Yzerman took the Red Wings to the Promised Land.  As a leader, Kwame Kilpatrick broke his promises.

Steve Yzerman is heading to a team that needs rebuilding.  Kwame Kilpatrick tore us down and left us in a shambles.

Steve Yzerman worked hard to get into the record books.  Kwame Kilpatrick got the book thrown at him.

So on Tuesday we said goodbye two big public figures that both cast giant shadows.  One positive on the city of Detroit, the other negative.  And if I had my way, I’d love to see both Stevie and Kwame together at the Joe Louis Fist.  First “The Fist” would unfurl and extend its hand in congratulations to “The Captain” on a job well done.  Then in a perfect world “The Fist” would swing back and slap Kwame into the next county.

Good luck Stevie!  Good riddance Kwame!  And goodbye for now from your friend Big Al!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

“D-Day” for Kwame in the “D” 

You could almost hear the violins playing as Kwame stood and addressed Judge David Groner this morning – insisting that he’s a changed man. But the judge didn’t buy it and as I’m sure you’ve heard, the former Mayor was sentenced to a maximum of five years in the slammer – with a minimum of a year-and-a-half for violating his probation.  When the verdict was announced there was an audible gasp in the courtroom…

- The gasp actually came from the prison cook who suddenly realized he was going to have to double tonight’s recipe for Franks and Beans.

- A lot of people were thrilled with the verdict – even the Spirit of Detroit and the Joe Louis Fist gave each other a high-five.

- Remember the good old days when the mayor of Detroit just had a kid out of wedlock and his police chief hid a load of Kuggerands in his ceiling?   

*****

Economists say Europeans are bracing for the end of their beloved welfare states because they’ve run up an insurmountable debt and have to slash their budgets.  The Prime Minister of Great Britain has already slashed the budget by 9 billion dollars including cutting limo service for all but four government officials.     

- Charles and Camilla will continue to get around on horseback

- The Queen is pitching in by trading in her golden carriage for a Honda… Although Prince Charles has offered to buy her a Toyota.

Meanwhile in France the government is considering raising the legal retirement age for full pension benefits beyond the current level of 60 years.

- That’s just plain rude.  Which makes perfect sense coming from the French. 

- The government is also considering putting a comedy tax on the rental of Jerry Lewis films – which they believe could bring in enough money to single-handedly solve the crisis. 

*****

An inmate at a prison in Britain found an ingenious new use for a Sony Playstation.  He attached the video game machine’s motor to a ballpoint pen with a sharpened end – thus creating a makeshift “Tattoo Machine”. 

- Now all the guys on his cellblock have an “I Heart Super Mario Bros.” tat on their chests.

- In a related story… he turned his Wii into a makeshift urinal.

*****

Dr. Raymond Adamcik was arrested in Florida during a “bar crawl” for medical professionals.  He allegedly groped a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito stuffed in his pants. 

- Things could have been worse… He could have dropped his chalupa.

- His defense lawyer claimed it was not a burrito in his pants – he was just happy to see her. 

- I’d expect this kind of behavior from, say, “The Green Horny-net” but not Captain America!

*****

For the second time in several weeks, a chapter of Pi Beta Phi has been accused of engaging in “Animal House” behavior.  In the latest incident, the Ohio Chapter is accused of trashing an Arts Center – the site of their spring dance.  They say attendees drunkenly had a food fight, threw dishes, up-chucked on carpets, tried to rip the clothes off a female bartender and even broke a bathroom sink while…um… having relations on top of it.  By the way, Pi Beta Phi is a SORORITY…

- …The most Popular sorority on campus!

- Where were these girls when I was in college?

- “It was all a misunderstanding”, said they’re House Mother – a Miss Tonya Harding.

- To be fair, the seniors were over-excited because they’d just found out they’d been accepted into the WWF.

*****

Speaking of Girls Gone Wild… Despite failing to attend her alcohol education classes and repeatedly missing hearings, Lindsay Lohan is not going to jail.  For the time being she has to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet and submit to random drug tests.  A source close to the family said Lindsay was “furious” with the ruling because she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong.

- Of course that’s just the booze and drugs talking. 

By the way, Lindsay showed up for the hearing eight minutes late.

- According to sources she went to the ladies room to “un-powder” her nose. 

*****

Are we having fun yet?  Deakin University in Australia believes they’ve discovered the key to a long lasting marriage:  The husband shouldn’t be too much happier than the wife.  After studying tens of thousands of couples, they found that the bigger the “Happiness Gap”, the more likely a couple was to break up.

- So the bottom line is… if you want a long, happy marriage, make sure you and your spouse are equally miserable!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Last night, ABC’s two and a half-hour finale of “Lost” left many viewers, well, uh, “lost”.  It ended with the character Jack meeting his dead dad and many of the other castaways at his own funeral.  Some say it means they’re all dead.

- Well possibly… it was all a DREAM!

Meanwhile on the finale of Celebrity Apprentice, Poison singer Bret Michael’s beat out Holly Robinson Peete.  He flew to New York after having a brain hemorrhage and a “warning stroke” to be there when Donald Trump announced, “You’re hired”.

- Trump immediately changed his mind when he realized he now had to pay for Bret’s healthcare. 

*****

Fergie… Fergie… Fergie…

The Dutchess of York is in hot water… 
Sarah Ferguson, ex-wife of Britain’s Prince Andrew was caught on tape selling access to her ex-husband.  A journalist, posing as a businessman, gave her a bag with $40,000 cash – plus agreed to wire $700,000 more into her account.  Fergie has apologized profusely and claims that she is desperate for money.

- When the Queen heard this, she fell off the Throne – and knocked over the plunger.

- Apparently, when Fergie served as a Spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, the weight she lost was all in her brain.

*****

Officials in Washington, D.C. say some high school students are complaining that the free condoms handed out by school nurses are too small and low quality.  So the city has decided to start handing out Trojan condoms – including the companies “Super-Size Magnum”.

- And to think I used to complain about the food in the school cafeteria…

- I guess the “Magnum” is just another example of “Bigger Government”.

- Most of the male students have already applied to USC… Home of the Trojans.

- Those unfamiliar with condoms can find all the answers to their questions in a manual that will be handed out.  It’s a pop-up book.

*****

Over the weekend, Briton Don Wales and his team broke the world land speed record for a lawnmower.  After showing that the mower could actually cut grass, he took it on a speed course and made it up to an astounding 87 miles per hour. 

- The “Fastest Weed-Wacker” part of the competition was cancelled due to an unfortunate accident…

- While driving the mower home, Mr. Wales was ticketed by police for a “Mowing Violation”.

- The good news is he broke the record.  The bad news is he has to return the lawn mower to the neighbor he borrowed it from.

*****

Michael Jackson fans in Japan are coughing up $1000 a piece for the chance to spend the night in a room filled with a collection of his clothes, awards and other possessions on June 25^th – the 1^st anniversary of his death.  Organizers say being with possessions of loved ones on the anniversary of their death is an important ritual.

- Right… and charging a thousand bucks for it is an important “Rich”-ual for the organizers.

- I just hope the items aren’t “Bubbles” wrapped. 

- For $2000 bucks you can to spend the night with his collection of noses.

- TOTALLY UNTRUE FACT:  This event was predicted by “Nostril”-damus two thousand years ago. 

- For an extra free, Dr. Murray, Michael’s personal physician will give you a dose of Propofol to help you sleep. 

*****

On this date in 1844, Samuel Morse opened America’s first telegraph line by transmitting the message, “What hath God wrought!”

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT:  in 1855, Kwame Kipatrick’s great, great grandfather was caught up in a sex telegraph message scandal.

"The Week that Was…"

Another Friday… another busy week!  

I went fishing, metal detecting, and sat on the porch waiting for the mail to come.  No wait… I think I saw that in a movie once.  Actually…

- I had five lunch dates.  (Not that kind of date)

- Went to see an amazing mid-morning performance of the DSO at Orchestra Hall.  (A combination of Andrew Lloyd Webber songs and Patriotic music in honor of the upcoming Memorial Day Holiday).  It was absolutely fantastic and, with no offense to Diana Ross or Tommy James and the Shondells, it was nice to hear something a little different in the morning.  

- I watched a bunch of episodes of “Pacific”, the HBO mini-series which I missed the first time around because it was on past my bed time. Incredible show… I read it cost 200 million dollars to make.  And it was worth every penny (especially because it wasn’t my money). 

- I made a leap into summer by putting the lawn furniture out… which is now soaking wet and covered with soggy leaves.  Isn’t it supposed to be April showers?  

- And I spent four-and-a-half hours waiting for the TV repairman to show up during his GUARANTEED four-hour window.  Bottom line, he fixed it. The remote is close by my side and all is well with the world.  

Jackie and Al were also busy this week… so busy that apparently they didn’t have time to blog about it.  We’ll get to that on Monday!  

Have a great weekend - and get some rest… we’ve got a big week coming up:  I believe a certain Mr. Kilpatrick is due to be sentenced!  He looks so good in orange…

Take care, 

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

CBS is doing so well, they’re cancelling some of their hit TV shows.  This week they announced that they’re cancelling long-running hits including “Cold Case” and “The New Adventures of Old Christine”.  Execs say they think they can replace them with new shows that will get even better ratings…

- Like “CSI: Flatrock”, “CSI: Ypsilanti” and “CSI: Sterling Heights”.

NBC is also making changes… cancelling  the original “Law & Order” after 20 years.  Don’t panic, though. They’ve renewed “Law & Order: SVU”…

- The network says it will make history by producing a show aimed at women-only called “Law & Order: PMS”. 

- In an other historic move, the network has decided to run the new show only once a month.

- NBC believes they’ll not only retain existing viewers, but gain viewers who are retaining water. 

*****

Move over Mom… Researchers at Eastern Virginia Medical School has discovered that about 10% of new fathers experience postpartum depression when a  new child is born – possibly because of loss of sleep and stress on their relationship with their wives. 

- The percentage of postpartum dads is much higher when they realize the baby doesn’t look anything like them – but looks a lot like the next door neighbor.

*****

When President Obama speaks at an upcoming high school graduation in Kalamazoo he plans on shaking the hands of each and every graduate.  There is a catch,  though.  Each Senior must provide the Secret Service with their dates of birth, Social Security numbers and proof of their citizenship status.

- The class clown replied, “I’ll show Obama my birth certificate if he’ll show me his”. 

- Grads can also bypass the security check by just showing a snapshot proving they know infamous White House party crashers Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

*****

A nationwide survey of men over 40 suggest that taking Viagra, Cialis and other similar E.D. drugs could double a man’s risk of hearing impairment…

- Most men surveyed said, “and the downside is???”

- When asked about this story, Big Al replied, “I’m only going to take Viagra until I need hearing aids”

- Turns out Hugh Hefner hasn’t heard a word one of his girlfriends has said in the last 10 years.

*****

A new university study found that animals are surprisingly similar to human males.  Researchers discovered that male antelopes will “lie” to females by pretending there are Lions nearby in order to keep them from wandering off and having sex with other male antelopes.  The study was conducted at our own MSU!

- The male antelopes were also known to light couches on fire after big football games. (Just kidding…)

- The study further showed that gay male antelopes liked to take the females shopping and really listened to them when they talked about their boyfriend troubles.

*****

Actor Nicholas Cage has done it again… He told Britain’s “The Sun” newspaper that he will only eat animals that have sex in a “dignified” way.  Among them, fish and chicken, creatures  he believes pro-create in a respectable fashion. 

- You know, like goldfish… who do it in a goldfish bowl.

*****

British Petroleum has given the go-ahead to try a new machine designed to help clean up the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  The device can filter oil sludge out of about 210,100 gallons of water a day and was invented by actor Kevin Costner’s brother…

- He says he got the idea for helping with oceanic disasters after seeing his brother’s movie, “Waterworld”.

- Kevin is said to have told his brother, “If you build it, the oil will come”. 

*****

Have you had the “Double Down” from KFC yet?  It’s a sandwich consisting of bacon and cheese nestled inside two fried chicken breasts instead of a bun.  At 540 calories and 32 grams of fat, it’s KFC’s hottest seller yet.  It was supposed to be a limited-time menu item… but it’s proven so popular, KFC has decided to keep it on the menu indefinitely…

- They’res a new sign outside each restaurant reading: “10 Million Served.  9 Million Died!”

- Why would KFC want to promote something that will help their customers, “Kick the Bucket”?  

And I thought New York was known as the "Naked City"

Hi everybody, Big Al here!…Have you caught up with the controversy surrounding the newly crowned Miss U.S.A.? - And who just happens to be our very own Miss Michigan, Rima Fakih!  Turns out she was part of a “Stripper 101 Class and Competition” back in 2007 involving one of our former friendly radio competitors.  Oh those crazy, wacky radio contests.  Gosh I miss them.  Now, I just happened to “accidentally” see the photos on the Internet and I gotta tell ya, I think they were pretty mild considering the lingerie shots the Miss U.S.A contestants were required to pose in for their “official contestant” photos.  Honest, they did.  I also “accidentally” saw the lingerie photos on the Internet (go ahead, look ‘em up) and they were much more provocative then the shots involved in this so-called pole-dancing debacle.  Even me, the anti-PC-er, think these lingerie shots are a disgrace to women.  Come on pageant officials, what happened to this is more than just a beauty pageant?  Of course we all know what the lesson here is.  In our Facebook, everything is being recorded, sex tape, nothing is a secret anymore, world we live in…THINK BEFORE YOU STRIP!  Futures are being jeopardized over past indiscretions.  Remember my photo as the New Years Baby in a past Purtan’s People Calendar? I was wearing only a giant baby diaper!  I wore the same get-up when some Sumo wrestlers visited our studio.  I also dressed up as Marilyn Monroe for one of Dick’s Comedy Night Out shows.  But wait, there’s more!  In a TV commercial we filmed several years ago for, yes, a crazy, wacky radio contest, I portrayed a character called the “Birthday Fairy”.  No wonder I’m still looking for work!  Look at the pics below; the proof is in the pudding…or the diaper, if you will.

Sorry, I know the  “Birthday Fairy” photo is blurry.  Trust me, it’s for your own good.

And now I’d like to “weigh-in” on another local lady making news because of what she was wearing or not wearing.  (Now you know you why I was always asking female listeners what they were wearing.  It’s an important issue people!)  But this next story is a real hoot.  Actually, it’s a real “hooter(s)”.  A waitress at a local Hooters, has apparently received a strong reprimand regarding her weight.  She has worked at Hooter’s for the last two years and was just informed that she must lose weight OR lose her job.  Ladies and gentlemen, from what I heard, she’s 5’ 8” tall and weighs 132 lbs!  My left leg weighs 132 lbs!  (Plus she claims she weighed 142 when she started her job).  Needless to say, she was humiliated.  Now, I “accidentally” saw a picture of this young lady on the Internet in her Hooter’s attire and she looked just fine, thank you.  Now, as a credible journalist, I really should stop by several Hooters to turn in an accurate report.  Besides, I hear their “chicken breasts” are too die for.  (I know, I’m pathetic)

Now you know why Dick gets nervous when he lets me blog for a day.  Fret not, Dick returns tomorrow!  That’s all ( that’s enough) for now!  Be well…Fondly, Big Al.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Before we get to the news, I want to mention that yesterday was “Armed Forces Day” – the day we salute all the brave men and women who have, and do, put their lives on the line every day to guarantee our freedom.  To all of them, and their families… Thank you!

As you may know, I am no stranger to the military life.  In fact I was wounded in (non) action.  It happened during my basic training at Ft. Dix in New Jersey.  During an intense practice drill, I was forced to shimmy on my belly underneath a mass of barbed wire.  What happened next was a blur… Somehow I turned my head and accidentally nicked my cheek on one of the barbs.  It took Gail two full months to nurse me back to health. 

Did I get a Purple Heart?  No.  But I did get a band-aid.

So to all the real Heroes in our Armed Forces… you have my profound admiration and undying gratitude!

And now, on with the news…

*****

An Animal Rescue and Adoption Center on Long Island, NY needs Viagra.  “The Little Blue Pill” was originally developed as a heart medication, and a vet says one of the dogs, a pit bull, needs two Viagra Pills a day to stay alive. 

- When asked about the story, a surprised Big Al commented, “Just two?”

- Now the shelter can get the dog to roll over – then it smokes a cigarette and falls asleep.

- If the dog seems interested in your leg for more than four hours… take him to the vet immediately.

- The hard part is getting the dog to relax in that white bathtub in the field they’re always showing in the commercials.

- You gonna say “no” to a pit bull?

*****

Last night Rima Fakih – Miss Michigan – was crowned Miss USA! 

- She’s originally from Lebanon, but if you’ve seen the just-released photos of her past exploits, you might think she’s of “Pole”-ish descent…

*****

A new poll of 2000 adults in Britain found that 58% say the first thing they’ll discuss with strangers and even business acquaintances is the weather.   That’s way more than they chat about work, sports, TV or gossip.  On average, they talk about the weather for 49 hours a year. 

- Big deal.  Al Gore spent that long talking about it just this past weekend.

- If they lived in Michigan, their conversation would change every five minutes. 

*****

Hillary Clinton still owes $770,000 in campaign debt and her husband Bill is stepping in to help pay if off.  Supporters just received an e-mail saying that if they donate as little as $5, they’ll be entered in a raffle to “Win A Day With Bill” in New York City.

- The Ex-President only agreed to it because he thought it was called “Win a DATE with Bill”.

- Contestants are urged to submit a photo of themselves in a bikini and sign a confidentiality agreement swearing they won’t tell anyone what they did on their “special day” with Bill… especially Hillary.

*****

A new autobiography by the first Chinese astronaut to make it into space has revealed some rather shocking info.  In the book, Yang Liwei says that his space-menu included braised chicken, steamed fish and dog meat.

- Yang said, “Chicken and fish?  Yech!”

- Wait until “Pluto” hears about this…

- You know what they say… “In Space… No One Can Hear You Bark”.

*****

The comic strip “Little Orphan Annie” has been given the ax after 85 years.  Debuting in 1924, it followed the adventures of the redheaded orphan after her adoption by millionaire Daddy Warbucks.  It inspired movies, radio shows and even the famous Broadway play, Annie.

- They broke the news to her by saying: “The Sun Will Come Out, Tomorrow… NOT”

- I just hope her dog Sandy doesn’t end up in the Chinese Space Program.

- Not to worry, Angelina Jolie has agreed to adopt her. 

- But there is a bright side… Annie has been asked to come back and co-host Saturday Night Live with Betty White. 

"The Week that Was…"

Ah, Friday.  Finally.  It’s been a long week of work.  No wait, I forgot, I’m retired… with lots of time on my hands.  NOT.

Life is busier than ever…

As I mentioned on Monday, last Saturday I had the pleasure of speaking at the annual Karmanos Cancer Center Dinner.  Met the new President Gerold Beplar.  Great guy.  Great Event.  There was one thing though…

The evening featured a fashion show – with the models actually sashaying down the runway and onto the middle of the various dinner tables.  I held my breath – waiting for someone to wipe out on a stray pat of butter or the balsamic vinaigrette I’d spilled on the tablecloth – but it didn’t happen.  One models outfit, however, had me perplexed.  Her “ensemble” was all right, but here’s the confusing part: If I’m not mistaken, she had a full sized roll of toilet paper (the giant ones, like they have at the airport) attached to each forearm like a bracelet.  Gail told me it was “high couture”.  Okay.  Not exactly my cup of tea, but for a guy who can barely get a roll of toilet paper on the roll – I was pretty impressed that the model managed to get them on her wrists!  I wouldn’t want to have to type this wearing those things…

Next up… “Don’t Be Cruel:  The Life and Times of Elvis Presley” Tribute Play at Andiamo, Novi.  An amazing mix of live action and audio-visual stuff.  Great food (as you’d expect from a place run by Joe Vacari!) Great show!  And the only toilet paper was in the men’s room…  I assume they had it in the ladies room, too but I didn’t check.  (For reservations call 248-348-4448)

It was also a big sports week… despite the fact that the Red Wings lost to the Sharks.  With seven nieces and nephews , uhhhh, grandkids, it felt like the Olympics had come to town (without the random drug testing).  I went from playing catch with 6-year-old Jack to watching his 8-year-old brother Preston’s swim team practice.  Then it was off to roller hockey with seven-year-old Adam.  Fortunately I convinced them that me taking a turn on one of their pogo sticks would be a really bad idea. 

But it wasn’t all sports… I was one of the lucky few that got great seats at my 12 year old granddaughter Julia’s middle school production of “Beauty and the Beast Jr.” Does the fact that I got a little misty seeing her on stage make me a Metro-Sexual?  I’ll have to ask Al. 

Let’s see… that’s Jack, Preston, Adam and Julia… which, if I’m not mistaken leaves Matthew, Lauren and Charlie.  I think I’ll save my exploits with them for next Friday’s Blog…

As for now, I’m off to sit in the sun (at least I think that’s sun… it’s been a long time) and continue reading Dan Ewalds’ brand new book, “Six:  A Tribute to Al Kaline”.  I’ll be the guy wearing black socks and sandals sitting on a webbed lawn chair in the front yard.  (Oh, by the way Ewalds’ book is only available at Comerica Park.  And believe me, if you love baseball, it’s $25 well spent!)

Have a great weekend… and look for updates on Facebook as they occur to me! 

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Hats Off to Mr. Song…

Who could forget the famous hat that Aretha Franklin wore while singing at the President’s inauguration?  Gray, decorated with a gigantic bow, the hat was designed by Luke Song, a hat maker right here in Detroit.  Now Mr. Song is suing two other hat manufacturers for ripping off his design.

- I say, show the man some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

- Unfortunately, the imitation hats have been flying off the shelves… Literally!

*****

If the centerfold in the June Playboy looks out of focus, don’t worry:  it’s just printed in 3D.  Hugh Hefner says he wanted to get in on the 3D craze and will include special glasses in each issue so men can enjoy Playmate Hope Dworaczyk to the fullest.

- When Playboy readers see that out-of-focus picture, they’l think, “Damn, it’s true!  Doing this DOES make you go blind…”

- This is a great way to go from double-D to triple-D without surgery!

*****

Betty White’s stellar performance on Saturday Night Live has led to a new Facebook campaign.  So far 11,000 people have signed up hoping to get Betty hired as host of the next Academy Awards.

- She’ll be 89 at the time of the broadcast.  But hey, if she keels over it’s not like she’d be the first Oscar host to die on stage!

- Some people even want Betty to run for President.  Her slogan would be… “I’ve been through the Change… and you can believe it”. 

*****

Larry King and his 8^th wife Shawn have officially announced that they are calling off their divorce despite reports that she’s been sleeping with their kid’s baseball coach and Larry has been having an affair with his wife’s sister.  They issued a statement saying, “we love our children, we love each other, we love being a family”.

- Larry especially loves his sister-in-law…

- Shawn even loves their sons’ baseball coach on alternating Wednesdays and Fridays.

- If I’m not mistaken, this exact scenario is one of the sub-plots on “Desperate Housewives”.

*****

Coca-Cola is introducing a revolutionary new soft drink vending machine call the Freestyle.  Using touch-screen technology, it allows you to custom-design your beverage using various combinations of regular and diet pops, sparkling waters, sports drinks and flavorings. They say there are 104 different possible combinations.

- But are any of them Caffeine-Free?????

- This machine can make you chocolate Gatorade with a hint of Mt. Dew… but it still won’t accept a dollar bill with a microscopic crease in the corner.

- I’d prefer a machine you don’t have to kick to get your Cheetos to fall off the rack…

*****

The Los Angeles City Council voted 13 to 1 to boycott Arizona.  They claim that if Arizona’s new law allowing police to ask if someone is an illegal alien is not repealed, the city may cancel 8 million dollars in contracts with Arizona companies – including those for tasers, surveillance services and helicopters.

- But if they get rid of the helicopters, how are we going to watch all the high-speed chases between L.A. cops and illegal immigrants?

*****

Police in Detroit found a truck that was stolen earlier this week from the corporate headquarters of “Lover’s Lane” adult products in Plymouth.  The van had contained $10,000 worth of sex toys and lingerie.  Of course, when the cops found vehicle, the merchandise was gone.

- The whole town is a-buzz over it. 

- The van had been “stripped” cleaned.

- Police say they don’t have a suspect… well I’ve got two words for them:  Big Al. 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A new study out of Britain indicates that working “overtime” can take years off your life.  That reminds me of one of my favorite jokes…

A guy is sitting on his porch, when a municipal truck pulls up and stops across the street. He watches as the driver gets out, goes to the back of the truck, pulls out a shovel and proceeds to dig a hole in the dirt by the side of the road.  He then puts the shovel back in the truck, goes back and sits behind the wheel in the cab. At this time, the man sitting on the right side, steps outs, goes to the rear of the truck, pulls out the shovel and puts the pile of dirt back in the hole.  He pats the dirt down, puts the shovel back in the truck and returns to his seat in the cab.  The man on the porch then watches as the truck moves down the road about 20 feet and stops.  At this point, the driver gets out, goes to the rear of the truck, pulls out a shovel, goes to the side of the road and digs another hole.  He then puts the shovel back in the truck and returns to the drivers seat.  At this point, the man on the right opens his door, steps out, goes to the rear of the truck, pulls out the shovel, puts the pile of dirt back in the hole. He pats the dirt down, puts the shovel back in the truck and returns to his seat in the cab.  The man on the porch then watches as the truck moves another 20 feet down the road and once again comes to a stop.  He watches as the driver gets out, goes to the rear of the truck, pulls out a shovel and proceeds to dig another hole in the dirt by the side of the road.  He then puts the shovel back in the truck and returns to the drivers seat.  At this point, the man on the right opens his door, steps out, goes to the rear of the truck, pulls out the shovel, puts the pile of dirt back in the hole.  He pats the dirt down, puts the shovel back in the truck and returns to his seat in the cab. Before the truck driver has a chance to move down the road again, the man on the porch runs down to the truck, knocks on the door and says to the driver, “Why do you keep digging a hole on the side of the road and then the other guy gets out and fills it back in?” The driver replies, “We’re part of the County Highway Beautification Program… and the guy who plants the flowers took the day off”.  

*****

Speaking of working… Dreaming of retiring at 50?  Think again.  A new Gallup poll finds that due to the economic crisis, only 29 percent of Americans will have enough in their 401K’s to retire before age 65.  The majority believe they’ll have to work into their 60’s or beyond.

- So in case I have to go back to work, today I got fitted for an official “I’m a Wal-Mart Greeter” vest… and I keep repeating to myself over and over, “Welcome to Wal-Mart”. 

- And I’ve been lifting weights in case I’m assigned “Parking Lot Duty” and have to push the long snaking line of carts back into the store.