"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Los Angeles is in such financial trouble city leaders are considering giving up maintenance of the sidewalks and charging residents who live near them for their upkeep.  There are 4,600 miles of sidewalks in L.A. 

- And Lindsey Lohan has tripped over each and every one of them. 

- PERSONAL NOTE:  Speaking of money problems, in an on-going effort to help Greece get through its financial crisis, I’m vowing to eat at every Coney Island I can find. 

*****

Police in England’s Isle of Wight arrested a man who tried to break into a prison to free a family member -while dressed in a Snoopy costume. Brandishing a pistol, he tried to break down the jail’s door.  Turns out the “weapon” turned out to be a water pistol and he was at the wrong prison.

- He’s in the doghouse now.

- He tried to escape in his World War I biplane, but was already on the no-fly list.

*****

Meanwhile in Lincoln, Nebraska police believe they’ve finally nabbed the “Toilet Paper Bandit”.  The man robbed convenience store last month with toilet paper wrapped around his head to mask his identity.  The cops found him by tracing an empty medicine bottle found near the scene of the crime.

- He made his one phone call to a “Mr. Whipple”.

- By the way, the empty medicine bottle was labeled “Imodium”.

*****

The Social Security Administration has released its list of the most popular baby names for 2009.  The two top names, Jacob and Isabella, are both major characters in the teenage vampire saga, “Twilight”.  Both names have been popular for years, but “Cullen” the main vampires named jumped an astounding 297 places in one year.

- Whatever happened to the good old “boy” names like Dick and Big Al?  Yeah, right…

- Movies & TV have always influenced baby names.  I can’t tell you how close Gail and I came to naming Jackie, “Darth Vader Purtan”.  Yeah, right…

*****

If you want to live to be 100… don’t do anything in particular.  Researchers at New York’s Albert Einstein College of Medicine studied 500 Jewish people between 95 and 112.  They found no “environmental” factors that affected longevity.  About 30% were obese, and another 30% had smoked until age 95.  Basically, they say, long life is in your genes.

- And about 30% of the test group wears really BIG jeans.

- If this is true… this changes everything!  Tonight, I’m having a cheeseburger and fries instead of fish sticks. 

*****

An Australian documentary maker was forced to flee the country after convincing three young people to star in a new reality show in which they would auction off their virginity to the highest bidder.  The Australian public was so upset, he’s moved the project to the U.S., to a county in Nevada where prostitution is legal. 

- Am I crazy or does this sound just like “The Bachelor”?

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Happy Day-After Mother’s Day to all you Mother’s out there!  (And I’m not talking about Kwame) I hope you had a wonderful weekend!

Speaking of the weekend, I made my first public “outing” (if you don’t count trips to Costco and the Salmon Jerky Outlet) when I emceed the Karmanos Cancer Center’s annual dinner Saturday night.  When Nick Karmanos first asked me to host the event, I told him I had planned on being in Florida at the time.  “Oh come on Dick,” he said.  “By May 9^th it’s going to be sunny and 80 degrees here in Michigan!”  I called Nick yesterday, and quoted a Washington Congressman: “You lie!”

In another big development over the weekend, Big Al told me – get ready - that he has regained his sense of smell.  I’m not kidding.  The entire 14 years I worked with the man he couldn’t smell a thing and now… miraculously… it’s back.  Maybe that explains why he thought everything we did on the show was hilarious! 

And now, on with the news…

Despite NBC execs worries that 88-year-old Betty White wouldn’t be able to handle Saturday’s 90 minute episode of Saturday Night Live, she kicked butt.  Betty appeared in nearly every sketch, “killed” as they say, and the show drew its’ highest ratings in years. 

- Rumor has it, from now on their going to call the show “Senior Night Live… Next up: Abe Vigoda”.

-  To be honest, the show has been so bad lately I heard they were going to turn it into a drama:  Law & Order: SNL

*****

In an international survey by Opinionway, the French were named the world’s biggest whiners and amazingly enough they embrace it:  72% of French people believe they complain more than people in any other nation. 

- And 100% admit they whine about the fact that Jerry Lewis hasn’t made a new movie in years.

- The great thing about the other 28% of Frenchmen is that if you tell them to quit whining, they throw their hands up and say, “Fine, I surrender”.

*****

President Obama may be young… but apparently he’s not too keen on the latest technology.  At Hampton University’s commencement speech in Virginia over the weekend, the Commander in Chief complained that the 24/7 media is dangerous for democracy because it gives a voice to “some of the craziest claims”.  He also admitted that he doesn’t know how to work an iPod, iPad, Xbox or PlayStation.

- Ex-President George Bush immediately announced that he embraces the new gadgets, daring anyone to beat his PlayStation score for “Super Mario Brothers”.

- President Clinton was way ahead of his time.  He had a “PlayStation” before they were even invented.  He called it, “The little room right off the Oval Office”.

*****

The day after that badly made car bomb was found in Times Square, a Pakistani Taliban group posted a YouTube Video taking credit for it.  But after it was revealed that the would-be-bomber used non-explosive fertilizer, left the keys to his getaway car inside, and had been dubbed “The Idiot Bomber” they quickly retracted their claim. 

- In the bomber’s defense… who hasn’t accidentally left their keys in the car? 

- I guess they’d rather be associated with someone who’s just a “semi-idiot” like the Underwear Bomber.

- When the head Taliban Leader head about the screw-up he got so mad he accidentally blew himself up.  He obviously had a short fuse. 

*****

On this day in 1869, a golden spike was driven at Promontory Point, Utah, to mark the joining of tracks for the east and west for the first transcontinental railroad.

- I’m no genius… but it seems like the guys from the east were working a lot harder… Then again, they had been promised a weekend in Vegas with some showgirls if they got there first.

- LITTLE KNOWN FACT:  The first load of passengers from New York to California consisted entirely of plastic surgeons.  

Try To Remember...

Hi, it’s Jackie with some reflections on the day Detroit came together to say goodbye to our beloved Ernie…

They started lining up before dawn.  His simple casket, adorned with a folded American Flag, was opened just before 7a.m.  I read that one man, Mark Brimacombe, 61, of Toledo left his home at 2:50 a.m. to make his way to Comerica Park to say goodbye. Mr. Brimacombe told the Free Press, “Ernie was part of my growing up…I met Ernie a few times. He was very nice to me. I wanted to say good bye and to thank him.”

As I write this, on a near-perfect spring afternoon - hundreds of fans – and friends – are patiently waiting for their chance to be near the man who meant so much to them – and perhaps – to whisper a prayer of thanks. It’s been that way all day. 

It is rare to see such a massive outpouring of love when one individual dies, but then again, Ernie Harwell was the rarest of individuals.  Long before he left this earth, stories of his kindness and compassion have abounded from those who were lucky enough to meet him in person… or those just blessed to hear him through a transistor radio secreted under their pillow on a hundred summer nights.

With my apologies to Ernie, I will admit that I’m not the world’s biggest sports fan.  (Some genetic malfunction, I think.  My five sports-addicted sisters love to remind me that “Jeopardy” is NOT a sport) But while Ernie WAS baseball – he was so much more than that.  He embodied all of the things that are good in life. 

While growing up around – and ultimately working on - my Dad’s radio show, I had the honor to both meet Ernie and talk with him on the radio.  Needless to say, each encounter was magical.  There was something about him – a grace – a wink – a unique turn of phrase – that made my heart swell.  And the few times he actually said my name… well, it doesn’t get any better than that.

There was something about the way Mr. Harwell spoke that made me (and I imagine a lot of others) feel safe – like a kid snuggled up in bed, secure in the knowledge that Mom and Dad are downstairs ready to chase away the imaginary monsters.   

We lost Ernie on the 4^th of May… but I can’t help thinking that we will all hear his voice – his amazing voice – in our heads and our hearts every day of this Tiger season and beyond.  Ernie did far more than call a great baseball game; he showed us, by example, how to live a great life.  Ernie, effortlessly, proved that not only can one man make a difference in the world… one man can make a world of difference. 

When I think of Ernie – I think of a simpler, in many ways, better time – and a certain song keeps running through my mind.  Those of you who are old enough will recognize the lyrics below.  If you don’t… well, find someone over forty and they’ll help you with the tune…  God Bless you Ernie, and thank you for everything!

Try to remember the kind of September

when life was slow and oh, so mellow.

Try to remember the kind of September

when grass was green and grain was yellow.

Try to remember the kind of September

when you were a tender and callow fellow,

Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender

that no one wept except the willow.

Try to remember when life was so tender that

dreams were kept beside your pillow.

Try to remember when life was so tender that

love was an ember about to billow.

Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it’s nice to remember

although you know the snow will follow.

Deep in December it’s nice to remember

without the hurt the heart is hollow.

Deep in December it’s nice to remember

the fire of September that made us mellow.

Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

 Ernie and my Dad back in 1992.

(Photograph courtesy of the Detroit News)

Big Al Remembers Ernie…before he was Big Al

I had the incredible good fortune and honor of chatting with Ernie during my “professional” radio days.  I even got Ernie to do a special recording saying “Big Al is looooooong gone!”  But like so many people, my first cherished memories come from my younger days, glued to my radio listening to the melodic tones of the greatest baseball announcer I had ever heard.

Ernie takes a kid under his wing…

My first personal contact with Ernie was when I was a member of the sports reporting team of my high school radio station, WSHJ, Southfield; at the time 10 watts of broadcasting firepower.  I contacted Ernie about the possibility of interviewing him for our half-hour sports show.  And wouldn’t ya know it, Ernie agreed!  I’ll never forget the kindness this man showed me.  (Is anyone really surprised?)  Ernie invited me down to Tiger Stadium on a Saturday morning, personally escorted me from Trumbull Avenue up into the executive offices of the Tigers where we sat for the next half hour chatting into my reel-to-reel tape recorder.  Listening back to the tape, it’s hard to distinguish our two voices.  Yeah, right.  Think of Ernie talking to a guy who sounds like he’s still going through puberty and you’ve got the picture.  After the interview, Ernie walked me to my car so that I could safely store my equipment and then handed me a ticket to the ball game.  It was a day I will never forget…But wait, there’s more!

Later that summer, I was traveling by car out west and purposely made a stop in Kansas City to catch the Tigers playing the Royals.  Somehow I made it past the security guards and knocked on the visiting team’s broadcast booth.  There Ernie stood, warm and friendly as ever.  I reminded him of our riveting half-hour interview and told him that I just wanted to stop by and say hello.  We exchanged pleasantries and off I went.  Later that night I called home to tell my parents about my special encounter and are you ready for this?  My parents informed me that my Grandfather had been listening to the ball game that night and heard Ernie announce to the free world that, and I quote:  “Detroit broadcaster Al Muskavito stopped by to say hi to me tonight”.  Detroit broadcaster?!  I had made it!  (Okay, I wouldn’t be a true “professional” until decades later when another broadcasting legend by the name of Dick Purtan took a chance on me.)  Never-the-less, Al records another great Ernie memory.  But I’m not through.

This next memory would come years later when I was working with Dick, but it really involves my brother, a huuuuge baseball fan and a long time admirer of one Ernie Harwell.  My brother Mel was at a Tiger spring training game and went up to Ernie and introduced himself.  Mel said: “Hi Ernie, I’m Big Al’s brother”.  (Whoop dee doo, right?)  They chatted briefly and on they went.  According to my brother, it was at least TWO YEARS LATER when he would have the good fortune of crossing paths with Ernie…he thinks it might have been at another spring training game.  Well, unsolicited Ernie looks at Mel and says:  “Hey, you’re Big Al’s brother, aren’t ya?”  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!  So many people meet you and look right through you.  Ernie Harwell proved that he cherished every person and every single encounter.  You were more than a fan to him, you were his new friend.  Unbelievable!

Like thousands and thousands of people today, I have a tremendous void in my heart.  We have all lost a huge part of our youth and large part of our Detroit history.  Yet Ernie’s memory will sustain us forever and will act as a constant barometer for what it is to be a truly righteous and decent human being. 

On that note, I conclude with a strange dichotomy and it has to do with the difference between right and wrong.  This morning I was reading the newspaper and came across a story about how Kwame Kilpatrick has unveiled a new website where people can go to help contribute to a fund to pay off his restitution.  This on the same day that Ernie Harwell lays in repose at Comerica Park.  Need I say more?

Ernie Harwell today stands on the highest pedestal for all of us to see.  It’s a pedestal that reaches into Heaven.  Rest easy Ernie and enjoy your new life.

Al 

In Tribute to the One and Only Ernie Harwell

Ernie prepared us for his final journey last September when he addressed a packed crowd for the last time at Comerica Park; but none of us in Detroit were ever really prepared to say “goodbye” to Detroit’s most beloved citizen.

I was interviewed a couple of weeks ago by a New York City radio station about Ernie.  Since Vin Scully, the longtime play-by-play man for the Los Angeles Dodgers was being honored, they in turn wanted to do a piece on our beloved Ernie; both being legends in their field.  The first question they asked me:  “What comes to mind when we mention the name Ernie Harwell?”  Without a second of hesitation I said…“saint”.  We could list Ernie’s accomplishments and talk about his broadcast prowess for hours, however in my opinion, Ernie’s greatest achievement was that he taught us how to live.

This southern gentleman, the voice of summer, was the most humble and wonderful man I knew.  Just knowing Ernie was a thrill.  When I would converse with Ernie over the years, whether on the radio, during a private phone conversation, or in person, I would be nervous and tongue tied like an 8-year old kid who was meeting his hero for the very first time.

Being in radio, I naturally paid attention to the voices of people in my profession…and Ernie’s was the best!  Hearing his voice wafting through the air waves calling a Tiger game, for some reason especially at night, was for me the perfect blend.  It was magic.

A fun memory…

On two different occasions I had been asked by the Tigers to throw out the first pitch at a game.  Amazingly enough, both times I threw a perfect strike and each time Ernie not only witnessed this great baseball feat from high atop his broadcast perch, but he actually announced those strikes for all the fans in the stadium to hear.

They fired Ernie?

Who will ever forget the debacle of Ernie being relieved of his broadcast duties after the 1991 season?  We stirred things up a bit back then when we created an Opening Day protest in 1992.  We had 10,000 Ernie Harwell masks printed and taped to popsicles sticks which fans proudly held up in front of their faces during the game.  Not exactly the Opening Day PR the team was looking for.  Point well taken though.  We will forever be indebted to Mike Illitch for bringing Ernie back to the booth after he bought the team.

I want to thank everyone for the tremendous outpouring of love and affection for Ernie on my Facebook page.  Susan Sutherland Massolia wrote:  “What a wonderful man he was. His voice reminds me of summers with my dad working in the yard and the game on the radio.”  Cass Pawlowski contributed these sentiments:  “Ernie was probably THE best representative of Detroit in the 20th Century. His legend and reputation will remain.”

A lasting impression…

I was having dinner many years ago at Detroit’s famed London Chop House.  During the course of the evening I paid a visit to the restroom where the attendant, a tall, elderly, grey-haired gentlemen, was listening to Ernie call that night’s Tiger game on a small, portable transistor radio.  I wondered how many years this fine gentleman had been glued to Ernie’s every word, from this most unusual location.  It occurred to me that people literally everywhere were listening to Ernie; from their porches, from their cars, from their bedrooms, and yes, even from a restaurant restroom.  That image has stuck with me for all these years.

Hearing Ernie’s voice call a Tiger game to me was like hearing your favorite song on the radio on a beautiful summer night.  He’ll always be a part of my summers, and I know yours too!

On behalf of all of Purtan’s People, we wish LuLu, Ernie’s beloved wife of 68 years, and his children our heartfelt condolences.  We all know Ernie would not want us to spend time feeling any sorrow.  He reminded us that he was just “looking forward to going on life’s next journey”.

Thank you Ernie!  Thank you for coming into our homes and into our hearts.  We are all better for having known you and heard you.  Rest in Peace.

Dick

Ernie and me at the Detroit Historical Museum in 2008.  We were there to help unveil our “Voices of Detroit” displays.  It was truly an honor to be in the same company of the great Ernie Harwell.

Muskavito Joins a Few Close Personal Friends in Welcoming President Obama to the Big House!

Hi, Big Al here.  Wow, what a neat experience I had this past Saturday in Ann Arbor as I joined an intimate gathering of 80,000 people to hear President Obama deliver the commencement address to the 2010 University of Michigan graduating class.  I had a ticket to get into the event but I stood ready to put on my dead-on costume of Nancy Pelosi if all else failed.  (I didn’t have to add any padding to my chest either) 

No matter what your political persuasion, it’s quite something to witness the arrival of the President of the United States.  The two helicopters with the words “United States of America” emblazoned on them, landing just outside the Big House, was impressive.  Plus, the playing of “Hail to the Chief” – well, it made an emotional and patriotic sap like me get the chills.  (It was either that or the fact that I had to go to the bathroom really bad)

Yes, it was a memorable ceremony that I know every University of Michigan grad will cherish for a lifetime.  In hindsight though, I guess I shouldn’t have stood up at the end and yelled:  “GO GREEN!”  (I’m kidding, I’m kidding)  P.S.  I was disappointed that I didn’t make it back in time Saturday to hear Sarah Palin’s speech in Clarkston.  Oh well, I’ll just have to keep staring at her pictures on the Internet.  (But hey, I’m no stalker, okay?)

A couple other quick notes…

During my recent vacation I got a chance to catch comedian/impressionist Frank Caliendo in Las Vegas.  Frank was a regular guest on Dick’s show and he’s signed a big time deal with the Monte Carlo Hotel in Vegas.  Frank was great as usual, serving up a ton of incredible impersonations including his amazing John Madden and President Bush.  I was with a group of seven of my closest buddies; we go back together all the way to 4^th grade!  An added bonus was going backstage to chat with Frank.  As you can see from the picture below, Frank and I are BFF’s.  Make sure you catch Frank’s show when you’re in Sin City and tell him Big Al sent ya. Oh, by the way, what happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas.  (Okay, I’ll admit it. I overate at several all-you-can-eat buffets)

Finally, I have to concur with Dick’s feelings on his Facebook page Monday when he admitted that he was disappointed to hear that Geoffrey Fieger wouldn’t run for governor.  Dick said, and I quote:                 

“Just think of all the punch-lines we could have had!”

Yes, it was a sad day for sure, but something tells me that GF isn’t going anywhere.  And if the feeling is right, I just may dust off my Super Fieger costume and take a whirl around the city for old times sake…Just don’t look up!

Gotta go now…I ‘m leaving town again.  This time to celebrate Cinco de Mayo Day in Arizona!  What do ya think?  Good idea, huh?

Be well everybody!  Yours Truly – Big Al       

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

But He Would Have Been The Prettiest Governor Since Jennifer Granholm!

In a world filled with bad news there is one bright spot… Geoffrey Feiger announced over the weekend that he will NOT run for Governor.  He say’s his “outspoken personality” would distract from the real issues.

- Instead, he’s signed on as the new spokesmodel for Pantene Shampoo.

- Dr. Kevorkian was devastated when he heard.  He said, “I could kill myself”. 

*****

Tastes Great!  Less Filament! 

Wang Xianjun of Sichuan Province, China has an unusual snack preference:  light bulbs.  Wang claims to eat a smashed light bulb with a water chaser every morning for breakfast.  He says he finds them, “crispy and delicious”.  Doctors who have examined Wang say they see no ill effects from Wang’s eating habits.

- Although one Doctor admitted Wang seemed like a bit of a dim bulb.

- This explains why his mother always called him the light of her life.

- He got in big trouble with his wife recently when he asked for a three-way.  (Get it?  75-100-150?)

- I wonder what showed up over Wang’s head when he first got the idea?  

*****

Last week, 169 passengers on a British Airways flight from London to the Cayman Islands were warned to stop drinking anything because none of the jets six toilets were working.  Four of the six toilets were blocked up before takeoff, and the other two went out with two-and-a-half hours left in the flight. 

- This turned every passenger who couldn’t hold it into an “Underwear Bomber”.

- Their first clue came when the Flight Attendant announced that the pilot had turned on the “No-Peeing” sign.

- Congress immediately went to work on a new law requiring airlines to carry adult diapers.  It’s part of their “No Grown-Up’s Wet Behind” Program.

- They should have just emptied the tanks over the Gulf of Mexico.  It couldn’t have made things any worse! 

*****

You Gotta Give Her An “A” For Effort…

Christina Gamble of Quakertown, Pennsylvania, is facing felony charges of workers compensation fraud.  She got almost 30 grand in benefits after she fell during a moonlighting shift as a waitress at The Red Robin restaurant.  Gamble claimed that standing in front of a classroom all day was too painful – which was great until insurance investigators found her pole- dancing at CR Fanny’s strip club.

- At least she was dancing for adults and not having sex with her students!

- Always the teacher, Gamble was known to give her lap-dancing clients “pop” quizzes…

*****

On this day in 1979, a New York plastic surgeon was sued by a women who’d been promised a “Flat, sexy belly button.”  Instead, he accidentally relocated it 2 inches to the right.  A court awarded her $854,000 in damages. 

- It could have been worse… she could have gone in for breast implants.

- The belly button surgeon now works at an “Audi” dealership.  (You know… as opposed to “Innie”. Go ahead and groan).

*****

Celebrity Spending Today At Chucky Cheese…

TV infomercial guru Ron “The Pocket Fisherman” Popeil celebrates his 75^th birthday.  But wait!  There’s more…

- Ron says that after all these years, he’s still “a bass man”.

- If you want to send him a gift, please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery.

The Week That Was...

Hard to believe it’s Friday again.  Time for another “Fish Fry” – or in my case – “Poached Salmon Without Hollandaise Sauce”. 

It’s been a busy week…  If you follow me on Facebook you know I was faced with the massive challenge of fixing a broken garbage disposal.  Well guess what?  I did it! I actually called the plumber myself!

*****

News Wrap Up…

- Julia Roberts was voted People Magazine’s “Most Beautiful Person In The World”… which came as a complete shock to John Edwards. 

- Our own Senator Levin went verbally ballistic during a hearing looking into the actions of Wall Street executives… He used more expletives than P. Diddy did during Tupac Shakur’s eulogy. 

*****

In the News today…

Former Vice President-turned-environmental-activist Al Gore and his wife Tipper just bought an 8.8 million dollar villa in California.  The house boasts five bedrooms, nine bathrooms, a swimming pool, spa, and numerous fountains.   

- Gore said he wasn’t sold on the house until the realtor told him it came with several “lock boxes”.

- WORD OF ADVICE:  If you’re invited over, do not bring him a house WARMING gift!

*****

Dorothy Gallear of Wigan, England has moved her two-year-old son to another daycare after a teacher made him cry by confiscating his cheese sandwich.  The school says that cheese sandwiches are not on a list of approved menu items under national healthy food guidelines.  They say the addition of lettuce and tomato would have made it okay.  The boy’s mom called it “absolutely pathetic”.

- She originally said, “That’s a bunch of baloney” but was then told that “baloney” is not on the list of approved words used to describe national healthy food guidelines. 

*****

A hunter from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, was found guilty of illegally using bait to help attract and kill a 707-pound bear.  His bait:  Pastries.  Game wardens first became suspicious when they spotted him driving through a bear hunting area in a truck loaded with pastries.

- He was busted for illegal possession of bear claws.

*****

NEWSFLASH:  INDIAN MAN CLAIMS TO LIVE WITH NO FOOD OR WATER FOR 70 YEARS…

NEWSFLASH:  LOCAL MAN CLAIMS TO LIVE WITHOUT STOPPING EATING FOR MORE THAN 40 YEARS…

First things first… Scientists in India are testing an 82-year-old man who claims he’s healthy despite having nothing to eat or drink in 70 years.  Prahlad Jani claims he’s a “Breath-arian” who is sustained by the elixir of a goddess and lives on “spiritual life force”.

- Meanwhile, the local man, one Mr. Big A. Muskovito paused during his lunch at an all-you-can-eat buffet just long enough to claim that he is a “Breast-arian”.   In addition, he claims that he lives on a spiritual life force found only at KFC and is sustained by the elixir of gravy.  

*****

But the story of the week has to be…

A prison inmate in Caldwell, Ohio had to have emergency surgery to remove a bottle of hot sauce from… well, you know… where the sun don’t shine.  He eventually admitted he was responsible – but originally blamed the incident on another inmate.

- Which seemed plausible.  After all, the inmates name was Darrell and the bottle was clearly marked “Frank’s Hot Sauce”.

*****

Have a great weekend, we’ll see you back here Monday… and GO WINGS!

All the best,

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Yesterday People magazine named Julia Roberts the Most Beautiful Person in the World for the 4^th time.  It’s also the 12^th time she’s made People’s 100 Most Beautiful People in the World List.  

- Mandatory PC Line:  My pick would be my wife, Gail.  I’m no dummy!

- I asked Gail for her pick for the world’s most beautiful person… she didn’t go the PC route like I did.  She said it’s a toss-up between Brad Pitt and Gene Hackman.  ??? Does anybody know a good eye doctor?  

*****

Designer Kimberly Brewer didn’t like how her favorite low-rise jeans exposed her “Gluteal cleft” when she sat or bent over.  So she invented a solution:  the “Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield”.  It’s an adhesive strip of denim, decorated with studs, rhinestones, hearts and other designs.  It sticks directly to the skin so your butt crack is covered when your jeans are too low. 

- Before you order one, make sure it won’t cover-up your Tramp Stamp!

- I think I remember hearing about a device like this before… Oh, yeah.  It was called JEANS.

- If you want one of these don’t bother calling your local plumber.  I guarantee he’s never heard of ‘em. 

*****

Well it’s official… Wednesday lawmakers in Lansing made Michigan the 19^th state to make “texting while driving” illegal.  Governor Granholm will sign the bill into law via satellite on “The Oprah Show” Friday. 

- OMG! IMHO TILX MNO RTT LPN!

- When he heard the news, Kwame immediately hired a driver… at six bucks a month.    

- I say “two thumbs up”!

In other texting-type news… Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced that he is joining the Twitter community.  He says he will use his “tweets” to muster support for his socialist “revolution”.

-Actor Sean Penn got so excited when he heard the news he was rushed to the hospital with thumb spasms.

- Coming soon… “Facebook for Facists”!

*****

NASA has revealed that recent probes have discovered that the planet Mars – once thought barren – actually has what is considered the basic building blocks of life:  pond scum.

- So apparently it’s true… Mars is where old radio program directors go when they retire.   

In other “Outer Spacey” News… the makers of Oxyclean have just announced that their product can get rid of the rings around Saturn!

*****

Animals in the News…

Police in Winona, Minnesota, found a car abandoned after it struck a light pole.  A few hours later, the man called to confess saying that he’d lost control of the car when the dog began to throw up all over him.  Believe it or not, the story checked out…

- This is why it’s a good idea to let your dog hang his head out the window.

An A.P.-Petside.com poll reveals that one-third of married women who own pets would rather talk to their furry friends than their husbands.  18 percent of men said their pets are better listeners than their wives. 

- And you don’t have to worry about your pet spilling your secrets… unless you happen to own a parrot.

- There is a caveat:  The poll revealed that when you complain to your cat it just rolls its eyes.

- 100% of both men and women said they’d rather talk to their spouses than phone solicitors.  

*****

The reality show network truTV announced that it is developing a new show based on a British program to be called “The Naked Office”.  The premise?  A consultant goes into a real office and helps the workers overcome destructive interpersonal issues and build teamwork by gradually shedding their clothing.  By the end, they’re supposed to have built up enough trust to work together completely naked for one full day.

- Don’t we already have a show almost identical to this?  It’s called “Dancing With The Stars”.

- What are the chances?  I retired last month and NOW they come up with this premise.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A group of senators grilled top executives from Wall Street investment giant Goldman Sachs yesterday about the firms “risky investment” tactics that added to the country’s financial meltdown.  Michigan Senator and Chairman of the committee, Carl Levin became so angry during the session that he had to be bleeped eleven times…  

- At one point, Kanye West charged into the committee room, grabbed the mike from Senator Levin and said, “I’m happy for you.  I’m gonna let you finish.  But Beyonce had the greatest video of all time!”

- Be proud Michigan!  Looks like we’ve given America it’s first Rapping Senator… “Lil Lev”

- It was kind of strange when Senator Levin gave his leftover speaking time to Taylor Swift.  

*****

Tuesday, financial markets worldwide were rocked by the news that Greece’s government bonds had been downgraded to “junk” level.  The announcement caused the Dow Jones in this country to fall 213 points.  

- Opa!  I say we all do our part to help by having dinner in Greektown this weekend.  

- Have some Saganaki (which to be honest I always thought was the name of a city in Japan).  

*****

Using a $274,000 federal grant, Amtrak has begun operating the first “cow-powered” train between Oklahoma City and Ft. Worth.  It runs on 80 percent diesel and 20 percent biofuel made from the rendered fat of Texas cows.  

- I’d like to know how many MPC’s (that’s Miles-Per-Cow) the train gets. 

*****

Speaking of Cow Power… this is perfect for Detroit!  Mayor Bing plans to turn the city into a more agricultural community, right?  That means more farms and more farms means more cows.    

- I can see the ads now… “American Cars Now Powered By American Cows”

- Let’s just hope the Cow Cars are more fuel efficient than the current U.S. Government standards for horse *&%$#. 

- I say we test it out first on “The People Moo-er”

*****

Some burglars in Medford, Oregon, had eyes bigger than their muscles. Police arrived at a store following a break-in and found a 52-inch big-screen TV smashed on the sidewalk outside.  The thieves apparently had tried to steal it, dropped it, then went back inside and stole a 47-inch TV instead. 

- Then they got winded, dropped that, and stole a couple of iPods. 

- Next time I recommend they hire “Two Men and a Truck”

*****

Customs agents in Detroit arrested Michigan native Nimat David on charges of trying to smuggle a literal pantload of drugs in from Ontario.  Authorities say David had 9,000 Ecstasy tablets stuck to his calves and thighs with (ouch) Duct Tape.  

- Is there no end to the amazing things you can do with duct tape? 

- BEAUTY ALERT:  Duct Tape is what Richard Simmons uses to keep his legs so smooth and shiny!  

*****

The latest figures from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons show that American’s spent $10 billion dollars on facelifts, breast implants, tummy tucks and other “enhancements” in 2009.  That’s down 3 percent from 2008… meaning the recession has hit the industry hard.  

- Now California Doctors who specialize in puffing up actress’s lips may have to switch to something less important in Hollywood.  Like, say…um… Cardiac Surgery.  

“If It’s In the News…It’s News To Us”

Tens of thousands of women signed up on Facebook to display massive cleavage Monday, as part of “Boobquake Day.”  They were out to disprove an Iranian cleric’s claim that immodestly dressed women cause earthquakes. But Monday afternoon, a strong 6.9 earthquake struck off the coast of Taiwan.  A Boobquake organizer downplayed the quake, saying it “is not statistically significant, but if similar magnitude quakes occur, then we might start worshipping the power of immodesty.”

- Coincidence?  A 4.3 earthquake struck just outside the Dancing with the Stars studio after Pamela Anderson danced last night. 

- Wouldn’t “Boobquake Day” be better served on the Boob Tube than on Facebook?

*****

Speaking of “Boobs” In the News…

The famous “HOLLYWOOD” sign overlooking L.A. has been saved, thanks to Hugh Hefner. Preservationists were trying to buy the land next to it to keep developers from building expensive houses that would have blocked it from view. They managed to raise the needed $12.5 million, thanks to a final donation of $900,000 from Hefner.

- Hefner wasn’t available for further comment because he had to leave to attend a “Boobquake Day” celebration.

- Hugh kicked in the first $899,999.90.  The other 10 cents came out of his new girlfriend’s weekly allowance.

 *****

The Straight Poop from Down Under…

Australian scientists have discovered that whale poop is 10 million times more efficient than seawater in yielding high iron content. That makes it the perfect fertilizer for blooms of phytoplankton that absorbs sunlight and carbon dioxide and releases oxygen. So they say if we want to prevent global warming, we must insure that there are plenty of well-fed whales doing plenty of pooping.

- Additional fact:  Whales are the second best providers of fertilizer in the world - just “behind” politicians.

*****

And What Better Way to “Wrap Up” That Story…

On this day in 1965, R.C. Duncan received a patent for Pampers disposable diapers.

- Just like Cracker Jacks, there’s a “surprise” in every package!

- Baby Boomers everywhere will be celebrating by walking around their homes with nothing on but their Depends.

*****

On the Local Front…

Happy Birthday to Detroit’s own Casey Kasem who turns 78 today.  We understand Casey wanted to send out a “Long Distance Dedication” to himself, but at 78 he can’t go long distances anymore.  (drum rim shot please)

*****

And Last But Certainly Not Least…

Hey, Hey Hockeytown!  GO WINGS!  Bring home a Game 7 win against those wily Coyotes tonight!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Wayne State University researchers want Michigan hunters to donate the hearts of wild turkeys they kill.  It turns out that these birds have a mutation that tends to prevent heart disease.  You still have time to help… Spring Hunting Season ends May 31st.  For more info check www.wayne.edu.  

- And while your at it… why not send along a few turkey breasts.  After watching her on Dancing With The Stars, I noticed Pam Anderson could use a little “plumping”.

- In a related story, plastic surgeons at the DMC are looking for volunteer turkey’s who’d like to have their necks smoothed out.

*****

A Dating Company in Britain polled it’s female members and found that the average woman will date 24 men before finding the right one.  And the search isn’t cheap… Between hair, make-up, new clothes, fake tanning and other expenses, women spend an average of $127 getting ready for each date.  Multiply that times 24 guys and it comes to a whopping total of over $3000.

- Ladies, if you’re going to spend that much at least make sure he takes you to an expensive restaurant.

- And to think Brad Pitt is only Angelina Jolie’s 23^rd boyfriend.  He was sooooo close to being that magic #24!

- Big Al’s girlfriend Claudia says she agrees with the survey’s findings – although she admits she thought a girl was supposed to date an average of 24 thousand men before settling down.

*****

Genius physicist Stephen Hawking says he believes there is probably intelligent life somewhere in the universe, but he wishes people would stop trying to contact them.  Hawkings says that any race evolved far enough to be traveling in giant space ships would probably consider humans a primitive species to be easily conquered for our planet’s natural resources. 

- If extra-terrestrials find earth, let’s pray they don’t land in front of Congress.  Then they’ll think we’re all morons, for sure.

- Of course if they saw Kate Gosselin on Dancing With the Stars, they’ll think we’re geniuses who have invented semi-lifelike robots.

*****

Despite years wrapping up her “Farewell Tour”, Cher has decided that when her contract ends with Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, she’ll go back on tour again. 

- Cher has tentatively titled the series of concerts the “Like It Or Not You’ve Still Got Me Babe” world tour.

- When it comes to retirement… she makes Brett Farve looking like an amateur.

*****

The Blockbuster “Avatar” sold an astounding 6.7 million DVDs and Blu-Rays since its release last week – adding an extra $130 million dollars to the movie’s take. 

- And for the kids out there, look for the upcoming feature:  “Avatar for the Holidays:  I’ll Have a Blue Christmas Without You”.

*****

A convenience store robber in Suffolk, Virginia was captured because of his badly-timed bathroom break.  When police responded to the robbery call, they found the alleged perpetrator behind the store, relieving himself.  By the way… he was carrying the stolen cash.

- This is one of the first times on record where the police have asked for the money to be laundered.

- He’s now known through the city as “Enemy Number One”; which in this case is better than being “Enemy Number Two”.

- Note to Convenience Store Burglars:  Never drink a 48 ounce Slushee BEFORE the robbery. 

*****

The Thai Spice restaurant in Adelaide, Australia barred a blind man from eating there because they thought his dog was gay.  Ian Jolly’s girlfriend explained that they wanted to enter with his guide dog, Nudge.  But the waiter thought she said “Gay Dog” and turned them away.  The restaurant has a sign welcoming guide dogs – apparently just not gay ones.

- Let’s face it… it’s never a good idea to bring a dog into an Asian restaurant.

"The Week that Was…"

Well here it is… another Friday.  And what a week it was – both on a personal and public level!

Personally, I achieved some amazing things in this, my fourth week of retirement.  On Tuesday, I changed two – count ‘em two – light bulbs WITHOUT using the instruction manual or calling one of my sons-in law.  I know… pretty amazing. (I don’t want to brag – but one of them was a “three way bulb”… you know ‘75, 100 and 150’ watts – which in my opinion, made the job three times more challenging). 

***** 

As for world news…

The volcanic eruption in Iceland continued wrecking havoc for airline passengers across Europe. 

- I was proud to be an American when I heard a rep from United airlines say, “Hey… we’re not afraid of some stupid Volcano.  We’ll kick it’s ash.”

The real bombshell of the week had to be the announcement that Larry King and his eighth wife, Shawn, both filed for divorce.

- Am I the only one who thought those crazy kids were really in love?  Maybe I’m just looking at the world through rose-colored glasses (as opposed to Larry who’s looking at everything through trifocals).

***** 

New today…

Michael Flatley – of “Lord of the Dance” fame has announced that he will return to the stage after a 12-year hiatus. 

- He’d have been back sooner but it took this long to get all of his shoes re-soled. 

*****

In “The King-Other-Than-Larry” News…

On this date in 1956, Elvis Presley made his Las Vegas debut.  He opened for comic Shecky Green and flopped so badly he didn’t return to Vegas for 13 years.

- He’d have been back sooner but it took that long to get his hips re-swiveled

*****

After much consideration, our “Story of the Week” honor goes unanimously to Sean Andrew McClendon the man who was arrested in Oklahoma for allegedly dropping his pants and shaking his bare-derriere at women in two different Target stores on the same day.  Police say the man has a history of indecent exposure charges. 

- For more info… check out our post from Wednesday, but suffice it to say, he took the “Half-Off Everything In The Store” Sale a bit too literally. 

***** 

Finally, we want to introduce a new Friday Feature… It’s our “Favorite Facebook Feedback” Award.  This week it goes to two gentlemen who commented on my gleeful post that Kate Gosselin had finally been kicked off Dancing With the Stars…

Joshua DeLand posted: …free at last! free at last! free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last! And Ron Dewey who added… “Our long national nightmare is over…”

Thanks to all of you for all of your great comments!  We read them all so keep ‘em coming! 

Have a great weekend and check back right here Monday for new postings!  For now, I’ve gotta go… Judge Judy is about to settle a dispute between a landlord and a tenant who’s been hiding a pet poodle in a no-pets allowed building.  Could it get any better than this? 

All the best,

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Three bi-sexual mean are suing the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance for discrimination.  After playing for the second-place team in the 2008 Gay Softball World Series in Seattle, they were interviewed and deemed “non-gay” by a panel of experts.  They say the ruling violates discrimination laws – and want both the ruling overturned and $75,000 each for emotional distress.

- They didn’t stand a chance… I heard the “panel of experts” included Ricky Martin, Barnie Frank, and Elton John.

- Apparently if you try to get to first base with boys and girls… you’re just not gay-enough.

- It’s not like they’re the first “switch-hitters” in the history of baseball…

Speaking of sex…

The former Little League coach for Larry King’s two young sons told In Touch magazine that he had an affair with Larry’s wife, Shawn – but Larry didn’t care because he was infatuated with her younger sister, Shannon.  Hector Penate claims Shawn gave him a BMW, among other things, and wanted to have a baby with him.  He said, “We had sex in Larry’s bed – a lot.  I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV.  Our sex life was real good.”

- It was “real good” because they were using Larry’s suspenders as a trapeze.

- In my book, fooling around while watching Larry King is the very definition of “bad sex”.

- Once, during one of their “frolicking sessions” they freaked out when they heard Larry say, “Helloooo!”

*****

Popular Mechanics magazine reports that inventor Bruce Lund has invented a new weapon for the Pentagon.  Lund’s “projectile” is specially designed to calculate distance and hydrogen propulsion allowing a projectile to stop, but not kill, a target.  But what’s really interesting is that Lund made his fortune as a toymaker.  Among his creations:  “Honey:  My Baby Pony” and “Tickle Me Elmo”.

- In fact, he can adjust the propulsion of a projectile to just tickle you. 

- Instead of “Bro” I can see the news footage now… “Don’t tase me, Elmo!”

- Next up:  “Bert & Ernie’s Biological Weapons… brought to you by the letters B & W”

*****

If you’re desperate for a job, Florida’s Ritz Carlton South Beach is having a hard time finding a “Tanning Butler”.  That’s right… they’re looking for a man to apply lotion to sunbathing guests.  Despite getting national attention for their ad, only three men showed up to apply for the job and all were deemed “unsuitable”.

- They’ve got one heck of a “Sun-Screen-ing Process”.

- And Big Al was so sure that the third costume he wore would work. 

- At last I found my new occupation in retirement:  Tanning Butler!  Why didn’t I think of this before? 

*****

Romance writer Danielle Steel’s former assistant Kristy Watts had been sentenced to almost three years in the slammer for embezzlement.  Watt’s, who worked part time for Steel, was paid two hundred grand a year to handle payroll and accounting – but it turns out that, among other things, she used her access to Steel’s accounts to pay herself an additional $760,000…

- On a happy note, it gave Danielle Steel an idea for a great new novel… “In The Black… In The Red… As Long As We’re in Bed”. 

- When the officers arrived to arrest Steel’s assistant… “Her bosom heaved…straining against the pearl buttons on her silken blouse.  Gasping for breath, she managed to whisper… ‘I’ve been a very bad girl officer’.  ‘I know”, he mumbled, roughly slapping the handcuffs on her delicate wrists.  ‘It’s my job to find out just how bad…’”

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Yesterday, the Supreme Court struck down a law banning videos of dogfights, pit bull attacks and other animal cruelty.  The Court found that the ban was too vague in defining “animal cruelty” and violated First Amendment free speech rights. 

- Unfortunately, this means the Lion’s games will continue to be televised.

 *****

Tuesday, Senator Tom Harkin and Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro urged the FDA to place strict limits on the amount of salt that processed food makers can put into food.  They say the American diet is too salty and cutting average salt intake from 1 ½ teaspoons a day to one teaspoon could prevent 100,000 deaths a year from heart disease and other diseases.

- They also called for workers at the Detroit Salt Mine -which lies deep below the city - to start looking for less dangerous condiments like Paprika. 

- Plus they gave the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans 5 years to significantly reduce their salt content or risk being drained by the Feds.  

- Weren’t we all just drained by the Feds last week on Tax Day?

 *****

Police in Oklahoma City arrested Sean Andrew McClendon for allegedly dropping his pants and shaking his derriere at women in two different Target stores on the same day last week.  The man, who has a history of indecent exposure charges, allegedly did it in the Garden Section.

- The guy was obviously just shopping for some “Miracle-Gro”.

- Thank goodness he didn’t do it at Home Depot… They’re slogan used to be “You Can Do It.  We Can Help”.

- On the bright side… the men’s department at the Target Store immediately announced a “Pants Half-Off Sale!”

*****

Two Thumbs Up!

A new Pew Research study found that the typical teenage girl with a cell phone sends 80 texts messages a day, the typical boy sends 30 and one in three teens sends over 100.  That’s over 3000 text messages a month making texting the most popular means of communication among young people.

- Young people… and Kwame Kilpatrick.

- OMG! LMAO! (FYI:  I had to ask Jackie’s 8 year-old son, Charlie what that means). 

*****

Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her 84^th Birthday today.

- Prince Charles, her heir-not-so-apparent said, “I think people are taking this whole ‘Long Live the Queen’ thing a bit too literally.”

*****

It’s not too late to celebrate!  Yesterday was National Marijuana Day – a “holiday” dating back to 1971.

- So pull out your Willie Nelson CD’s, rent a Woody Harrelson movie and Par-tay!

- The “Doobie Brothers” marked 39^th anniversary of the event by changing their name to “The Lipitor Guys”. 

And speaking of illegal drugs… Workers digging up the lawn at John Lennon’s old home in Surrey, England think they found his long-buried stash of LSD.  Lennon buried it after turning to transcendental meditation in 1967.  He eventually changed his mind, but couldn’t remember where he buried it. 

- Ironically, his memory loss was caused by excessive use of LSD.

- The remaining Beatles have called for the LSD to be preserved and Yoko Ono to be buried in its place. 

Kwame's Courtroom Conundrum Continues! Kilpatrick Found Guilty of Probation Violation!

Yep, Kwame is in more trouble.  Judge Groner has ruled that the former mayor violated his probation by failing to disclose some of his assets.  A sentencing date has been set  for May 20th.  So, it looks like Kwame is headed for the slammer…  but there is good news:  By having to travel back and forth between Detroit and Texas, Kwame is building up an impressive number of frequent flier miles.  

Speaking of the sentencing…Judge Groner advised Kilpatrick to get his affairs in order.  “Affairs in order?”  Yes, and with that Kwame immediately texted Christine Beatty.

New evidence has emerged that could prove that Kwame has been hiding his money by making large transfers of cash into new bank accounts in his wife’s name.  There isn’t a paper trail, but my sources say there are an extraordinary number of new toasters in the Kilpatrick’s kitchen. (You see the joke is that banks used to give out lots of toast…ah never mind.  If you have to explain it…)

And maybe it’s time to have more restitution fundraisers for Kwame.  A while back we suggested car washes, bake sales, lemonade stands…Any new suggestions?  Please click on the “Post a Comment” tab above.  Thanks! 

Oh, and here’s one final thought.  Actually a suggestion.  I say the judge should order Kwame to fly to Iceland and sit on the top of that volcano, you know, like a giant cork!  A perfect act of community service, wouldn’t you say?!               

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Air travel across Europe continues to be paralyzed after an Icelandic Volcano erupted last Wednesday, sending a huge cloud of ash miles into the air.  Thousands of flights have been cancelled… stranding countless passengers at airports around the globe.  Pictures taken from a satellite show a dramatic cloud drifting for thousands of miles across the European continent.  

- If you don’t feel like “Googling” those images, just imagine a picture taken from the top of Cheech and Chong’s tour bus.

*****

Spirit Airlines - which of course services Detroit, announced the other day that they will charge a $45 fee per CARRY-ON bag.  Well now that appears to be backfiring… Seven U.S. Senators called it ridiculous and proposed a tax on excessive baggage fees.  Now, five top U.S. carriers – including United, Delta and American have promised not to add a fee for carry on bags. 

- But just wait till you check out their new “Seatbelt Rental Fee”.

- I think passengers should be allowed to charge an “emotional baggage fee” to the guy sitting next to you who spends the entire flight telling you how his ex-wife screwed him over. 

*****

 “I Feel the Earth Move…”

Although Iran sits on several fault lines, a senior Islamic cleric says that‘s not the cause of recent earthquakes.  The real cause:  women!!  Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi claims that women who wear make-up or dress “inappropriately” inflame young mens’ desire, thus leading to extramarital affairs, which in turn cause earthquakes.

- If extramarital sex can cause seismic activity, then every city where Tiger Woods has ever played should be in ruins.

*****

Long Overdue…

If George Washington were alive today, he might face a hefty overdue library fine.  New York City’s oldest Library says one of its ledgers shows that the President took out two books in the late 1700’s – which he never returned.  Both books were due back on November 2^nd, 1789.  The entry on Washington simply lists the borrower as “President”. The Library says they don’t want to collect a fine but would like the books back. 

- One of the books is said to have “I Heart Martha” scribbled in the margin.  The other one says, “The British Suck Rocks”.

- Washington isn’t the only President to be delinquent with checked-out books.  A Library in Arkansas is still hoping Bill Clinton will return, “A First-Grader’s Guide to the Kama Sutra” and “Really Curious George” which he checked out in elementary school. 

Hey, how ya doin?! Big Al here with my first blog at DickPurtan.com!!!

First of all I want to thank the 1,000 people, give or take 985, who reacted to my message on Dick’s Facebook page on Sunday.  It’s truly heartwarming to know that, that, (brief emotional break) you still care.  So, let’s do some catching up.

Just got back from a Caribbean cruise on the world’s largest ship, the Oasis of the Seas.  It’s 4 football fields long, 8,000 passengers and crew, and an area with real trees and flowers they call Central Park!  (Without the muggers or people selling knock-off watches)  I was so elated to be on this boat that I ran to the bow and in true Leonardo DiCaprio/Titanic-style yelled:  “I’m the King of the Midnight Buffet!”

One of the cruise destinations was the island of St. Maarten, home to the famous Orient Beach where people go sans clothes, which is nice because then you don’t get sans in your shorts.  Embarrassing moment:  When I took off my clothes and was mistaken for a Beluga whale.  I still can’t believe those people dragged me back into the water.  And don’t even ask about the blowhole incident.

I’m waaaay behind on American Idol, but did catch last week’s show.  I’m really under-whelmed this year.  The talent doesn’t compare with years past.  Agree/Disagree?  Click on the “Post a Comment” tab above.  By the way, I think the girl with the dreadlocks and Janis Joplin appeal is the frontrunner. 

And finally…I’ve had at least 100 people, give or take 98, ask me what I’m doing now.  Retired?  Plus-size modeling?  Nope.  But all kidding aside, I’m networking with a lot of great people in the entertainment and business community.  I will be free-lancing as a writer and maybe even do some performing along the way.  (In other words, I haven’t been paid to do anything yet)  But rest assured I’m happy in my “post radio” life.  And of course there hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I had a chance to work with the best personality in the history of radio…Mr. Dick Purtan!  (What, did you think I was going to give up being a suck up?)  Take care and stay tuned!  All the best…Al

P.S.  To the ladies who have Facebooked asking “Hey Al, what are your wearin’?”  Sorry, but that answer will have to wait for another blog.

“Dick-tation”... (Although I’m actually typing this myself)

Well it’s been three weeks today since I said “goodbye” to radio and “hello” to a good nights sleep.  I thought I’d take a minute to fill you in on what I’ve been up to.  And fasten your seatbelts… it’s pretty exciting.

Take today for example… This morning I had an orange for breakfast.  Navel, I think.  Delicious.  Then, after finding out that our power and water would be turned off for the next six hours due to a “household repair issue” that, amazingly enough, Gail couldn’t fix – we decided to head out for some real excitement:  You guessed it – Costco.  After flashing my membership card (with a picture of me that looks like a cross between Groucho Marx and Saddam Hussein) I headed to the vitamin aisle.  Who knew Fish Oil pills came in pallets?  I guess I just never had the time to notice before. 

I casually strolled the aisles, sampling turkey sausage and 67 Grain-Crackers, not caring if I filled up so much I’d have to have a late lunch.  (“Late Lunches” used to screw up my nap, but guess what… “I don’t need no stinkin’ nap!)

After packing the car with enough paper towels to clean up the spill from the Exxon Valdez, we headed over to the bookstore.  “Maybe I’ll branch out and read a novel”, I thought to myself.  “Something different than my usual fare of history books and biographies…”

I checked out, thrilled with my purchase, “Hitler’s Favorite Knock-Knock Jokes”.  

At 3:25pm EST I treated myself to a snack – low fat granola with a pomegranate juice chaser.  (I know…I’m a wild man). 

With the power and water back on, I worked out, took a shower and now – after sending this off – Gail and I are headed out to dinner with our favorite daughter and son-in-law.  (Not Jackie)  – just kidding.  She’s in the top six, I swear.

After dinner… who knows?   It’s either “The American Idol Double Elimination Round” I DVRed on Wednesday or a special on Iwo Jima.  I’ll decide later. 

So as you can see… my life is just as exciting as ever.  Speaking of which, I want to leave you with something we used to do every Friday on the show:  The Story of The Week.

A 64-year-old British handyman, Peer Aspinall was asked to prune a sycamore tree on the grounds of a hotel in Lancashire.  Being a seasoned professional, he leaned his ladder against a branch 14 feet above the ground – and then proceeded to saw off the branch.  He was in the hospital for two weeks. 

I think I like this story so much because it reminds me of something I can see myself doing.  Which is, of course, while Gail has always forbidden me to go near ladders or prune anything. 

Have a great weekend… Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.  (Which, as you can see, pretty much leaves things wide open)

I miss you all and thanks for your many kind messages!  I appreciate them, each and every one.

Talk to you soon,  

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

How Tweet It Is!

Google has announced that it is archiving every Tweet ever sent, all the way back to the first one in 2006, into a giant, searchable database.  Meanwhile the Library of Congress says it plans to acquire copies of all the public Tweets ever Twittered.  A spokesman said, “It boggles my mind to think what we might be able to learn about ourselves and the world around us from this wealth of data.”

- I can imagine History classes in the future… “Kids, on April 15^th, 1912 at 2:20 am the Titanic Sank claiming the lives of more than 15 hundred people.  Meanwhile on April 15^th 2010 at 2:23 pm, Lorraine Johnson of Royal Oak decided to make Lasagna for dinner”.

*****

Britain’s Daily Star claims that 24-year-old caterer Amanda Flowers of Manchester was turned into a nymphomaniac by a Nintendo Wii accident.  She says she was working out on her Wii fit board when she slipped and fell.  Now, she says that the slightest vibration – even from a cell phone or food processor makes her crazy. 

- So guys, you might want to get in line now in the game department at Wal-Mart… Sweetest Day is only seven months away. 

- On a bright note, while the woman claims she needs “romance” at least ten times a day, Larry King just happens to be on the market! 

Speaking of Larry King…

- He may loose his shirt in the divorce, but his suspenders should prevent him from losing his pants. 

*****

Pfizer Inc. might be one step closer to a Viagra for women.  A British study found that a new drug they’re testing is having the desired effect on rabbits.  They admit, however that rabbits and women are only similar up to a point. 

- On the other hand, men and rabbits are almost identical. 

- The female rabbits in the study are now living in a heavy-petting zoo.

 *****

Last night two wannabe’s got the boot on American Idol.   That followed Tuesday’s “Elvis Night”  – where everyone sang one of his hits. 

- After watching the show at a Burger King in Kalamazoo, Elvis was seen crying while furiously texting “Don’t Be Cruel” to each contestant.