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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Swiss actor Dominic Deville was watching horror movies when he came up with an idea for a lucrative new career.  He rents himself out to kids parties as the  “Evil Clown”.  When a parent hires him, he starts taunting the birthday boy or girl with frightening texts, calls and letters warning them that at some point during the party he’s going to smash a cake in their faces.  He then shows up in scary make-up and actually does it.

- I think he got the idea from watching the movie “Rosemary’s Bozo”

- Correct me if I’m wrong… but I think this guy was hired to help get the Health Care Bill passed.

*****

Two men in New Hampshire are under arrest for a series of burglaries in Maine.  Turns out the men were out on probation on drug charges and were wearing electronic monitoring ankle bracelets.  A simple check of the records placed them at the scene of every robbery. 

- In their defense, the guys said they thought the ankle tethers were just “really cool 3-D tattoos. “

Speaking of criminals…

Two men escaped from a maximum security prison in Argentina and evaded 300 cops for a week by pretending to be sheep.  They reportedly stole two sheep hides complete with heads from a ranch and spent their time blending in with the herd. 

- They were almost caught a few days ago when someone spotted them having breakfast at the local Ram’s Horn. 

- If they hadn’t been sheered, who knows how long they would have been on the lamb. 

- If I were them, I’d deep six the sheep outfits before going to the slammer.  That would be baaaaad all around.

- Is it just me… or does this sound like the beginning of “Brokeback Mountain – The Sequel”?

*****

Researchers at Wayne State University studied photos of 230 major league baseball players dating back to 1952 and found that those with the widest grins and deepest laugh lines lived an average of seven years longer than their teammates with glum expressions. 

- The bad news is you end up with a ton of wrinkles.  The even worse news is you have seven more years to worry about the economy… but at least your alive. 

- Something just occurred to me… Do baseball players think about baseball during sex?  

*****

On this day in 1865, President Lincoln was shot by actor John Wilkes Booth – at the time, the biggest star in the country.  I think if Honest Abe had been around to watch the alleged “stars” on DWTS he would have shot himself.  

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I'm Used to Playing Tunes in Your Car... Not Being in a Cartoon!

I came across something I thought was pretty cool and wanted to share it with you.  My thanks to the very talented cartoonist, Dan Saad for both his art and his kind words… Click the link below to see what I’m talking about!  And don’t forget to hit the “Comment” button to leave me (and Dan) your thoughts!  

http://saadcommentary.blogspot.com/2010/03/cartoon-of-week-morning-radio-in.html

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

TWO SHOWBIZ SHOCKERS…

Elizabeth Taylor-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky is denying rumors that she’s set to marry for the ninth time.   She told fans that she loves her manager but isn’t ready to wed again –making the announcement via Twitter. 

- Personally, I think she’s “twittered” enough. 

And Tony Dow, who played Wally on “Leave It To Beaver”, turns 65 today…

- I’ve heard rumors that he’s going to star in a remake of the show called “You Can Leave It To Beaver, But At His Age He Won’t Remember Where He Left It”. 

 *****

New research shows that the sexes have weathered the recession quite differently.  A British study found that men tend to invest in stocks and bonds and as a result have taken quite a hit in the last few years.  Women on the other hand, saw a need and started their own businesses.  Take Sarah Tremellen, whose pregnancy made her breasts balloon to a G-Cup.  Unable to find bras that fit, she started Bravissimo lingerie as a mail order firm.  She now employs 350 people, selling sexy lingerie to women up to breast size 40JJ.

- Wow!  Talk about your double-digit inflation. 

- Being a man, I did the stocks and bonds thing and lost big.  Now who’s the boob? 

 ***** 

The makers of the auto device I-kube studied accident records to discover the most dangerous foods to eat while driving.  They found that one in 20 drivers had crashed or had a near miss while eating or drinking at the wheel.  According to the data, most accidents occurred while drivers were attempting to eat a bag of chips.

- I’ll admit I had a near miss eating behind the wheel.  And from that day to this I’ve never had French Onion Soup while driving again. 

- Big Al was recently involved in a car accident while eating.  The bad news is – his airbag didn’t deploy.  The good news is Al’s bag of Cheese Puffs cushioned the impact. 

 

 

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Coroner Pronounces Self Dead

Meinhardt Raabe, the Munchkin coroner from “The Wizard of Oz”  is really, most sincerely dead… at the age of 94. 

- He’s one of the only people in history to live both a short and long life. 

 

*****

 

A German woman has a good excuse after she was arrested on suspicion of trying to smuggle her dead husband onto a plane in Liverpool by putting sunglasses on him and pushing him in a wheelchair. Gitta Jarant told the Bild newspaper that she didn’t know her 91-year-old husband was dead. She claims he was alive when they got there. But all of a sudden, his fingernails turned blue and he looked like a wax figure. She said, “At home, he was still warm - I swear!”

 - The passenger sitting next to her dead husband wasn’t too unhappy…he finally got to sit next to a passenger who didn’t talk his ear off through a whole flight!

 - Gitta actually got away with it, that is until a flight attendant got suspicious when she asked for help stuffing her husband into an overhead compartment.

 

*****

 

 After all the hoopla about his return to the Masters, Tiger Woods played great, but came in fourth, losing to Phil Mickelson. Tiger had vowed to contain his temper, but he threw a club after one bad shot and was caught cursing by an open mic after another. Asked about his surly mood, Woods tersely told CBS, “It’s not what I wanted…As the week went on, I kept hitting the ball worse.”

 - Tiger’s wife Elin did not attend the Masters. She was busy meeting with a German woman named Gitta who was teaching her how to smuggle a dead husband onto an airplane.

 

*****

 

Speaking of guys who like to play “a round”…David Letterman turns 63 today…

 - David’s wife had no comment…She was busy meeting with a German woman named Gitta who was teaching her how to smuggle a dead husband onto an airplane.

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A poll by the British magazine Radio Times showed just how different men and women are.  Asked to pick the greatest female film roles of all time, men ranked Ursula Andress in her white bikini in “Dr. No” as #1, followed by Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in “Aliens” and Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini in “Star Wars.”  For their #1, British women picked Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” followed by Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music,” and at #3, Julie Andrews again in “Mary Poppins”…

When the same men were asked for the greatest female strictly dramatic roles of all time, the men ranked Ursula Andress in her white bikini in “Dr. No” as #1, followed by Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in “Aliens” and Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini in “Star Wars.”

The only Julie Andrews role the men could remember, was the movie, “S.O.B.”  where she took her top off. 

 

 ***** 

 

London’s Sun tabloid reports that an online marketing firm calculated that the average woman spends two years and ten months of her life shopping.  That’s nearly 25,185 hours over 63 years, or just under 400 hours a year.  In the average year, women spend about 95 hours shopping for food, 17-1/2 hours shopping for toiletries like deodorant and razors, nearly 101 hours shopping for clothes, 29-1/2 hours shopping for fashion accessories and 40-1/2 hours shopping for shoes.  This doesn’t include the 51 times a year that they window shop and don’t buy anything… 

JoAnne Purtan, of Channel 7’s “Don’t Waste Your Money” says she doesn’t believe any of this.  Always the consummate professional, she says, “It’s just a bunch of crap.”

Some say that men shop just as much as women.  But it’s probably that Elton John and Boy George are throwing off the average. 

 

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, took a nasty spill during a so-call “Hill-Walk” during a trip to Scotland on Wednesday – resulting in a broken leg.  The Royal Physician applied a plaster cast which she has been instructed to wear for four to six weeks… 

I guess this means no more “horse play” for she and Charles for a while. 

Camilla is said to be resting comfortably.  This afternoon she had a cup of tea with two lumps of sugar – which she ate out of Prince Charles’ hand. 

Camilla’s Mother-In-Law, Queen Elizabeth, said, “I’m devastated to hear about Camilla’s broken leg.  Of course this means we’ll have to put her down.” 

The Queen added, “I’m sorry to see her go… just when her popularity was up in the latest Gallop poll.”

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Believe it or not…we’ve got more robot news from Japan.  They announced today that they’ve perfected a new robot that can do household chores – including folding laundry.  The only trouble is, it takes the robot about 25 minutes to fold one towel…

Obviously this is a married male robot.  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Celebrity Butt News…

Arthur and Ann Kelly of New Jersey officially ended their marriage Tuesday, turning the divorce terms over to an arbitrator, after Bruce Springsteen allegedly came between them.  Arthur a high-paid mortgage broker claims that his wife Ann – a 45 year-old mother of two, became mistress of “The Boss” after joining the same glitzy gym Springsteen belongs to.  Although it’s never been confirmed, it’s claimed the two started “canoodling” after Bruce told Ann she had the “nicest ass” in the gym…

Our own Jackie’s not buying this story… During her time in New York, she was a member of the very same gym and says quote, “Bruce has the nicest ass on the planet”.

 

Meanwhile in Hollywood, word has it that after hearing about her break-up with Jim Carrey via Twitter, Actress/ Model Jenny McCarthy called Carrey the “Biggest Ass” on the planet. 

 

And from the Japanese – who seem to have a thing for robots – comes news that they have perfected the most lifelike female automatron ever.  “Geminoid” as she’s called, is not only pretty, but can actually smile. 

Her mechanical boyfriend was recently quoted as saying, “Of all the female robots I’ve known, she has the nicest robutt in the lab”. 

(Admit it… You thought we were going to say “ass” again)

 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Tuesday, President Obama unveiled new restrictions on America’s use of nuclear weapons.  As long as other world nations obey Nuclear Treaties and don’t have nukes themselves… the U.S. will not retaliate with nuclear weapons even if we are attacked with chemical or biological warfare. Instead, the President says he’ll use “graded options”, combining old and new types of weapons…

No word yet on whether these will include the time-tested “swirly”, “noogie”, and “atomic wedgie”.  

 

In a related story, Monday the President threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. The crowd both cheered and booed as the ball ironically veered wildly to the left…

The Washington Nationals’ catcher got so freaked out, that for the rest of the game he wore Nancy Pelosi’s chest protector.  

Story of the Day (Until we can think of a catchier name for this feature)

In what can only be described as historic, later this week, there will be four – count ‘em four - women astronauts on the International Space Station.  That will be the largest number of women ever sent into space at the same time…

The launch has already been delayed by several weeks, after two of the space gals realized that they had selected the same space suit. 

It’s obviously an incredible view from up there…And speaking the “The View”, I can think of four women I wouldn’t mind sending into space. 

 

 

(Please hum news-sounding theme music to yourself as you read this. Thank you...) "And Now From the DickPurtan.com News Room"...

Big Al Muskavito here at the DickPurtan.com News Desk.  Well, just when it had appeared that the dust had settled on Dick’s retirement, comes more reaction - this time from the Big Apple and from a very unlikely source - HOWARD STERN! Yes, Howard paid homage to Dick and his career during his radio show this past week.  Plus, Dick was also interviewed by Howard’s news anchor.  Tune in, actually log in, next week to DickPurtan.com and hear for yourself.  I’m Big Al Muskavito reporting.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.

What a Difference a Week Makes...

Hard to believe… but it was one week ago today that Dick Purtan signed off for the final time.  So how did Dick and his “People” mark the milestone?

At 9:00am this morning…

Rebekah, ironically, was stuck in traffic.

Big Al had his head buried in an All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet.

Jackie cried.  (Again)

And Dick… well, he slept right through the whole thing. 

 

Wishing (My Dad) Dick Purtan Well

Take a look at this wonderful farewell tribute done by Dick’s daughter.   

This is a Breaking News Alert… So Big, We’d Have It Scrolling Across the Bottom of the Page If We Knew How To Do That…

Dateline:  His Bedroom

Recent Radio Retiree Dick Purtan shocked not only his wife, Gail, but also himself last night by sleeping an astounding 10 hours and 12 minutes in a row.  (Well, almost.)  Purtan went to bed at 11:45pm and didn’t wake until 8:55am EST when he glanced at the clock, rolled over and went back to sleep until 9:57am.  

A Sleep-Event of this magnitude has not happened to Purtan since August of 1965 – just prior to his starting the morning show on WKNR. 

What led to this phenomenon?  Experts disagree.  One told us it could have been the glass and a half of red wine Purtan reportedly had with dinner which would both act as a relaxant and of course provide him with heart-healthy antioxidants.  Another expert said simply, “Look, the guys been getting up in the middle of the night for 45 years.  He’s tired”. 

In a related story… Salmon Futures fell leading to a near panic on Wall Street, as word came that Purtan dined on Beef – not his usual Salmon - at a local Bistro last night. 

More details as they become available…  

Breaking News...Dick Purtan Gets Great Night of Sleep. Retirement Working Out Well So Far

Well, it’s been over 24 hours since I left the air waves and I’m rested, organized and ready to tackle the next big chapter in my life…Okay, I’m just rested, but I know the other stuff will follow soon.  In the meantime, I want to say thanks to all the folks who came up to me at the drug store this afternoon.  (I hope no one saw the prescriptions I picked up)  Anyway, someone asked “Why, why did you retire now?”  Well, for those of you who didn’t catch my February 11th retirement message on the air or my final broadcast this past Friday, it goes like this…Over the 4th of July weekend last summer, I informed my kids that I planned on retiring soon but I hadn’t decided on the final exit date.  My wife Gail and I had many discussions since then.  Then this past holiday season Gail asked me if I was looking forward to going back to work after my two-week vacation.  For the first time in 45 years I answered “not really”.  It was then that I knew that the time was right.  2010 would be my 45th year in Detroit radio, and that seemed to be a good number to go out on.  And now you know, as radio legend Paul Harvey used to say, “the rest of the story”.  

 

Click below to see and hear the conclusion of my last show.  (While you watch, I think I’m going to take a nap.)

 

To Paraphrase the Beatles: This morning, March 26th..."Dick Purtan Said Goodbye"...

And now he says HELLO!” to his permanent new home at DickPurtan.com.  In a spectacular four hour send off surrounded by family and friends, Dick bid farewell to his loyal listeners after 14 years at WOMC and 45 years behind the mic in Detroit.  Throughout the program, Dick replayed some of his favorite comedic moments from his broadcast past, as well as shared some behind the scenes stories.  And Dick is not about to slow down! (His creative drive, that is…his car driving, well, he’s working on that.)

Dick is seen here just after his final sign off.  (Daughter JoAnne to his right, wife Gail in the center, and daughter Julie to his left.  Too bad, the woman seen on the TV monitor above doesn’t even know she’s a part of radio broadcast history!)  For more great photos from the Detroit News, click on the image and enjoy an up close and personal look at Dick’s final day on the air. 

Who would've thunk it...Dick Purtan Steals Thunder from New Health Care Bill!

What an honor!  On Monday night U.S. Representative Thaddeus G. McCotter of Michigan’s 11th District recognized Dick Purtan on the House floor commemorating Dick’s retirement.  Dick said, and we quote:  “I am humbled and grateful to Rep. McCotter for his incredibly gracious remarks”.  However Dick was really moved by Vice President Joe Biden, who said of his retirement, and we quote:  “Wow, Dick’s retiring…This is a  big #@*! deal!”  Really.

"Dick in a Dress" Pretty Woman???

 

Okay, I’ll admit it.  On occasion… I’ve worn women’s clothes.  This particular time was for our 2009 Children’s Hospital Calendar saluting classic TV shows.   I was originally cast as Archie Bunker (for our “All in the Family” shot) but a last minute change had me playing Edith.  Why?  Big Al didn’t fit in the dress.  No kidding.  Ah… Showbiz! 

DickPurtan.com...Officially Open for Business!

Welcome to my brand spanking new website!  I can’t believe it, but I’m now officially a member of cyberspace and ready to throw away my IBM Selectric Typewriter.  (Anybody need a gently used roll of correction tape?) Remember, I may be going off the air waves on Friday, March 26th, but the conversation continues right here, right now, at DickPurtan.com.  Click below for a special greeting from Jackie, Big Al and yours truly.

 Testing 1,2, 3…Can you hear us now?