No matter what your Political persuasion… no matter if your favorite candidate or party won or lost, we must remember that we are - and always will be - Proud Americans.

With that in mind, I thought it appropriate today that we play a piece called “The Americans” written and broadcast in Toronto back in 1973 by Canadian radio commentator Gordon Sinclair. Detroit radio newsman Byron MacGregor heard Sinclair’s piece and was so moved by it, that he recorded it word for word, set it to music, and it went on to become a #1 selling record in this country.

“The Americans” was written at a time when our country faced great challenges, not unlike those we face today. I think it fitting to play now after witnessing the contentious midterm election season… and the chaotic state of the World today.

A growing number of Native Americans are calling on Elizabeth Warren to apologize for claiming that she’s a member of the Cherokee Tribe.

- To makes amends she sold her Jeep Cherokee and invited Tribe members to come to her Tee Pee to smoke the Peace Pipe.

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Meanwhile our neighbors to the South (Windsor) are smoking Pot… as legalized Marijuana officially went on sale in Canada yesterday.

- There were long lines at Pot dispensaries… and an hour later at Tim Hortons.

- So now it’s legal for a guy in a Toque to take a Toke.

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In honor of hunting season, some Arby’s locations will offer a Duck breast sandwich for one day only this Saturday.

- Thus there new slogan: “We Have The Mallards!”

- Donald Duck will protest by not wearing pants. No, wait…

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Lady Gaga’s fiancé reportedly spent a million dollars on her engagement ring.

- And on her Big Day she plans on wearing “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Sirloin”.

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This Saturday, a coven of witches in Brooklyn, N.Y. will gather “to put a hex” on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

- You know the old Witches adage: “If at First the FBI Investigation Doesn't Go Your Way, Throw the Toe of a Frog in Boiling Oil”.

- This is what’s known in Witch Circles as “Sittin’ for a Spell”.

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A Bride-to-Be in England is being criticized for sending her Bridal Shower attendees an itemized bill… including 71 cents for napkins and 43 cents for M&Ms.

- Sure. Call her cheap… But these were the M&M’s with PEANUTS.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

More than 30 million people will spend an estimated $480 million on Halloween costumes FOR THEIR PETS this year.

- I don’t care what you dress them up as, they’re still gonna rub their butts on the carpet and pee on the rug.

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A website named EatThisNotThat.com says the worst Halloween candy for your waistline is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Minis.

- That’s why health conscious kids LOVE Trick or Treating at my house! The ladles of soup I give away have no added sugar!

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The man who plays Big Bird & Oscar the Grouch is retiring from Sesame Street this week after 50 years.

- Luckily, playing Big Bird gave him the opportunity to put away a really substantial Nest Egg.

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SPOILER ALERT!

In last night’s debut episode of “The Connors”, viewers found out that Roseanne Barr’s character died from an Opioid overdose.

- After watching the show in the Prison Break Room Bill Cosby warned his cellmate, “See… It’s always the pills that getcha in trouble”.

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A South Carolina woman forced her husband to get her name tattooed on his crotch after she caught him cheating.

- What’s the big deal? … Asked John Wayne Bobbitt.

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This just in… It’s “National 4 Prunes Day”! The day set aside to celebrate the habit of eating 4 prunes a day to help with… um… digestion.

- And now back to our Regular programming.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos predicts we'll have 1 TRILLION humans living in outer space one day — and says his rocket company plans to help us get there.

- The trip into space takes months or years, but you can get there in just TWO DAYS if you have Prime.

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A federal district court judge in California dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against President Trump, and ordered her to pay his legal fees.

- As is tradition for Stormy, the fees will be paid all in singles.

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Turns out Elizabeth Warren’s Native American ancestry is not 1/512 as we reported yesterday, but rather 1/1,024 - which is entirely possible for virtually ALL Americans.

- Trump says “Who Cares??” adding “I’m the President and she’s just a Senator”… making him the Top Guy on the Totem Pole.

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The Chinese Government threw a blogger in jail for five days after he disrespected the National Anthem.

- As opposed to here in America where we pay football players millions of dollars to “Take a Knee” during the National Anthem.

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According to Showbiz 911 Caitlyn Jenner has been completely cut off from the Kardashian family.

- Luckily, Caitlyn is used to having things completely cut off.

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A new dating show in France called "Making Love" features contestants having sex the first time they meet and then deciding if they like each other.

- This makes “The Bachelor” look like an episode of “Ozzie & Harriet”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Social Media went crazy after viewers spotted a painting of Prez Trump hanging out with 9 other Republican Presidents - including Abraham Lincoln - during Trump’s White House interview with “60 Minutes” Sunday.

- Bill Clinton has a similar painting of himself with 9 Democrat Presidents. Only in his painting they’re sitting around a table at Hooters.

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Police is San Bernardino, CA were able to coral a giant runaway Pig by luring him with Doritos.

- The Doritos worked WAY better than the Pork Rinds they offered him first.

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A new study finds that nice people may be more likely to struggle financially and even go bankrupt than those who are less thoughtful.

- Bottom line: The people who run Sears must be SUPER nice!

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Two male penguins at an Aquarium in Australia are taking care of an egg given to them by staff members who “suspected they were more than friends”.

- There haven’t been two gay guys in tuxes this happy since Boy George and Barry Manilow appeared together on the Grammy’s.

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Elizabeth Warren says a DNA test proves she’s somewhere between 1/32nd and 1/512th American Indian. (She says her mother told her she has Indian blood because she has “high cheekbones”).

- Just to drive the point home to Prez Trump - who sarcastically refers to her as “Pocahontas” - Warren Tee Pee’d the White House.

- She’s gonna run for Prez on the slogan “Hopi & Change”.

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The World’s Oldest Person, a 129 year old Chechen woman, says her longevity is “a punishment from God” and that she’s only lived “one happy day” in her life.

- On the bright side, she’ll have another “happy day” on November 7th - if she lives long enough for the Midterm elections to be over.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

One of the 80 sexual assault cases against Harvey Weinstein may be dropped because new notes kept by his accuser reportedly prove the sex was “friendly and consensual”.

- Harvey replied, “One down… only 79 to go!”

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Scientists say picking your nose can spread pneumonia.

- This is great ammo if you’re trying to get your kids, grandkids and husband to stop “digging for gold”.

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Two inmates escaped from a Kentucky prison by hiding inside the garbage.

- Ironically, they were caught by ANOTHER inmate, who picked them up by the side of the road with a trash-stick.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger told Men’s Health Magazine that he has “stepped over the line” with women several times in the past and he regrets it.

- Arnold is so apologetic, he’s even founded the #MaidToo movement.

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A new study RealtyHop.com named San Francisco the “Poop Capitol of the World” with more than 21,000 sightings on public streets last year.

- So, If you're going to San Francisco… Be sure to wear some nicely-scented flowers in your hair.

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Nabisco is about to launch a new “Most Stuf Oreo” with even more filling than their “Double Stuf” cookies.

- The new treats are known on the street as “Diabetes”.

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Bored with plain old Oreos? Head over to China where Nabisco is now offering “Spicy Chicken Wing” flavored cookies.

- They go great with Blue Cheese flavored milk!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Beyonce and Jay-Z announced that they’ve “severed all ties” with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for supporting Donald Trump.

- This is the most shocking break-up since the Tigers’ Mario Impemba and Rod Allen.

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Anthony Weiner will be released from prison next May - 3 months early - for being a “Model Prisoner”.

- Weiner says he’ll write a book about his time in prison… It’ll be a Pop-up Book.

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Frontier Airlines passengers were up in arms after a woman delayed a flight by bringing an “Emotional Support Squirrel” onboard.

- The passengers didn’t mind having the squirrel on board, it’s just that he ate all the bags of nuts.

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In other Squirrel news… Minnesota police were amazed when they found a man by the side of the road giving CPR to a Squirrel he’d accidentally hit with this car.

- The squirrel survived… and even HE thought the guy was nuts.

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A Gekko being treated at an animal hospital in Hawaii somehow used his little feet to call dozens of people on one of the vet’s cell phones.

- He was trying to get people to spend 15 minutes to save HUNDREDS on their car insurance.

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According to “laundry experts” on the internet - the easiest away to de-wrinkle clothes is to toss them in the dryer with a few ice cubes.

- Men who try this may experience some shrinkage.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy “Columbus Day”! Or as it’s known in more and more places - including Columbus, Ohio these days: “Indigenous Peoples’ Day”.

- But you can still get a great deal during Art Van’s “Incredible Indigenous Peoples’ Day Half-Off Mattress Sale”!!!

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A female writer for “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” has apologized for tweeting “Whatever happens, I’m just glad we ruined Brett Kavanaugh’s life”.

- More proof that this was ALWAYS about the issues.

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Bill and Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance at Oktoberfest in Germany on Friday.

- Hillary spent the whole time looking for her email server while Bill spent the afternoon groping his Female server.

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A new study found that drinking even one glass of wine a day can lead to an early death.

- So much for the expression “Life is a Cabernet Old Chum”.

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New research shows that men who have fertility problems have smaller… um… “Manhoods” than men who have no problems fathering children.

- As if men with fertility issues don’t have enough problems… Now they’re also publicly getting the short end of the stick.

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#Metoo co-founder Rose McGowen says she didn’t mean to say the #Metoo movement was “a lie”… she meant to say that Hollywood’s #Time’sUp movement was a lie.

- I’ve got one thing to say: #I’mConfused.

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A riot broke out in the stands after Conor McGregor’s Mixed Martial Arts loss to Khabib Nurmagomedov in Las Vegas on Saturday night.

- There were so many people in handcuffs it looked like a Supreme Court Hearing.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Taco Day”… AND “National Toot Your Flute Day”!

- So, if you eat a taco today, chances are a few hours later you’ll automatically be tooting your flute.

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A group of investors are trying to salvage “Toys R Us” - and plan to bring back the company in 2019.

- But you won’t see Geoffrey the Giraffe because he’s been #’ed for “Unwanted Necking” at a Malibu Dream House Party.

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A New York Jet player who was fined by the NFL after rubbing a football against his butt on Thursday Night Football has been signed as the spokesperson for “Dude Wipes” - a toilet paper substitute for men.

- The team not only fined him, BUTT gave him a new jersey… #2.

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A video of man looking at lottery tickets in a gas station has gone viral, because the man is a dead ringer for President Trump.

- The man was immediately mocked by a man who is a dead ringer for Stephen Colbert.

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A woman at an Iowa Walmart was busted after attempting to pay for her order with fake $100 bills… that had bright pink Chinese letters on them.

- How could someone be so clueless you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!

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Researchers from Carnegie Mellon University say people who consider themselves huggers are healthier than non-huggers.

- If this is true, Harvey Weinstein is going live to be 100.

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In an appearance on CBS This Morning, Chelsea Clinton spoke out against Brett Kavanaugh - but was not even asked about her own father’s sexual history.

- Chelsea said, “I was not asked if my Dad had sexual relations with that woman… Miss Lewinsky”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The search is on for the next Gerber Spokes Baby… with the winner taking home $50,000.

- I was this close to winning last year but turns out they don’t allow babies with mustaches.

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According to the fashion industry more and more men are wearing high heels and stilettos as we “move society forward”.

- As I’ve always said: “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his Pumps”.

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Inmates in an Irish Prison used a drone to have Chinese food delivered to them in the Prison Yard.

- Guards caught on when the prisoners started singing “Oh Danny Boy, Lo Mein… Lo Mein is calling you!”

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A video of 73 year old Mick Jagger dancing at a party is Paris has gone viral.

- He showed off his signature moves to hits including “Limpin’ Jack Flash” and “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want”.

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Amazon gave in to pressure from critics and voluntarily raised worker rates to $15 an hour.

- Workers will get their first big check in November… or this Friday if they have PRIME.

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At 2:20pm this afternoon, all cell phone users will receive a “Test Text” from FEMA as part of a test of the National Emergency Alert System.

- It’s only a test. If you want something REAL to be Alarmed about, just turn on the Kavanaugh coverage on cable TV.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

During an interview with NBC, third Kavanaugh accuser Julie Swetnick changed the story she gave in her sworn statement and now says she can’t say for sure that Brett Kavanaugh was involved in the alleged gang-rape.

- But she knows FOR SURE that she had lunch with Elvis at a Burger King in 1982.

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A man in NY has been left with permanently red eyes after taking too much Viagra.

- Same thing happened when he was a teenage and parents told him to stop spending so much time in the bathroom or he’d go blind.

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Germany now has an Adults-Only Oktoberfest where adults can drink beer and get naked in front of each other.

- We have that in America too, but we call them “Fraternity Parties”.

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The National Enquirer claims that Cher is being stalked by a man who sent her an ear in the mail.

- Big deal. She’s already had four chins and three foreheads… what’s another ear?

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Rapper Snoop Dog called Kanye West an “Uncle Tom” for supporting Trump… meanwhile Kanye reportedly thinks Snoop is on drugs.

- And nobody knows more about drugs than the man who’s married to Kim Kardashian.

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A University of Michigan Professor won a Nobel Prize in Physics for work with lasers.

- In a related story, an Ohio State University professor won 2 bucks on a Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump tweeted about the new one-week probe of Brett Kavanaugh.

- The Prez relates to this story because both he and Kavanaugh have been investigated by the FBI.

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Facebook admitted that a security breach gave a hacker the personal information of over 50 million users.

- The hacker knows two things: Where you stand on the Kavanaugh/Ford controversy and what you had for dinner last night.

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A St. Louis Mother has filed a federal lawsuit over the fact that her son didn’t make his high school soccer team.

- But he tried out so the way things are these days, at least he’ll get a Participation Trophy.

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Kanye West gave a Pro-Trump speech on SNL Saturday Night while wearing a MAGA hat… but producers cut it “For Time”. Kanye proceeded to have a meltdown.

- How could they tell??

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A Bride-to-Be has taken to social media to complain about her soon-to-be Mother in Law for buying a white, wedding dress-like gown to wear to future daughter-in-laws wedding.

- She’s the first daughter-in-law to complain about her mother-in-law for an actual reason.

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Visitors to Disneyland in California are up in arms because park officials are removing benches leaving people with no place to sit down and rest.

- One guy was so exhausted he had no choice but to tell Sleeping Beauty to “move over”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels attorney says he will soon reveal a third accuser of Brent Kavanaugh - but he won’t disclose any details like who she is or what she alleges happened.

- Hard to believe this goes on in America. Well… maybe Salem, Massachusetts in the 1600’s… but not in America today!

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An Italian designer had models walk the runway with a fake third breast implanted in between their other two “To raise awareness of water shortage and the environment”.

- Huh???

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It’s D-Day for Bill Cosby who will be sentenced in his sexual assault case later this afternoon.

- So we’ll finally find out if the Coz will be spending time in a 6’ by 8” CELL-O!

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In attempt to reverse declining sales, Starbucks says they’ll begin laying off workers in November.

- To make losing their job a little easier, affected employees will get a “Pumpkin Spice Pink Slip”.

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A passenger sparked panic in mid-air when he tried to open a plane door, apparently mistaking it for the toilet.

- He almost became the first passenger in history who needed a parachute to join the Mile High Club.

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It’s National One Hit Wonder Day!

So grab your “Earth Angel” (The Penguins)… “Tip Toe Through the Tulips” (Tiny Tim) and settle in for a little “Afternoon Delight!” (The Starland Vocal Band). These songs are so great we’ll still be listening to them “In the Year 2525” (Zager & Evans).

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

“A-Weema-Weh, A-Weema-Weh, A-Weema-Weh, A-Weema-Weh
THE LIONS WON LAST NIGHT” crushing Tom Brady and the Patriots 26 to 10!!! CONGRATS!!!

Tiger Woods won the 2018 Tour Championship - his first PGA Tour victory in 5 years.

- So it was a big day for Lions & Tiger & Bears (they won too)! Oh my!

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56 year old Mary Kay Letourneau, the elementary school teacher who dated - then married - her twelve year old student, says she didn't know their love affair was a crime and that “he was in charge”.

- I mean, she knew it was sick but she DID NOT know it was a crime.

- This confirms my long held theory that you don’t ever want to put a 12 year old in charge of ANYTHING.

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A study of 2,000 people in relationships found that the average person had gained 36 pounds since they’ve first started dating their current partner — 17 pounds of which were gained in the first year alone.

- This was especially true with people who met on Plenty’oDeepFriedFish.com.

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According to the NY Times, one in every three positive reviews on TripAdvisor.com is fake and bought by hotels and restaurants to pump up business.

- The press caught on when they read Five Star reviews for Scranton’s “Motel 6” and “Lou’s House of Meatloaf”.

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Speaking of meatloaf… Micheal Moore says if his new movie “11/9” which is tanking at the box office “causes any trouble”, he’ll move to Canada.

- Tim Hortons’ stock immediately skyrocketed.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Oreos announced that they’re releasing a special Birthday Cake flavored cookie this November in honor of Mickey Mouse’s 90th Birthday.

- In a related story… Fiber One will offer a special birthday cookie in honor of Winnie the Pooh.

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Caitlyn Jenner says her 20 year old daughter Kylie struggled with her pregnancy - because she wanted to wait until she was 30 to become a Mom.

- As opposed to Him, who didn’t become a Mom until he was 68.

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Former "Saturday Night Live" star Chevy Chase slammed SNL for what he called "the worst f--- humor in the world” and referred to some of the cast members as “S—-H——”.

- After these remarks, the only friend Chevy’s gonna have left is Cousin Ed.

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U2’s Bono met with Pope Francis to discuss the “Evils of Capitalism”.

- Bono was late for the meeting due to problems with his private jet.

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A restaurant in Maine is getting Lobsters stoned before boiling them to make their deaths less painful.

- Proving the long held theory that marijuana is the gateway to drawn butter.

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Arby’s is giving out free tattoos to dedicated fans who eat there everyday. 

- Look for their new slogan: We have the INK!

- Taco Bell tried this one time but it didn’t work out because customers complained that it hurt too much to get a tattoo on their Chalupa. 

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Prez Trump has been mocked after saying that Hurricane Florence was “One of the wettest we have seen from the standpoint of water”.

- This reminds me of the time I visited the Sahara Desert and said to my wife, “Boy… there sure is a lot of sand around here!”

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Hillary Clinton says that we should give the woman accusing SC nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault “the benefit of the doubt”.

- You know… like she did for Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones and Kathleen Willey.

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People on Facebook are really vehemently divided on the Kavanaugh-Ford controversy.

- Facebook users haven’t been this angry at each other’s opinions since… yesterday.

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The big moment at the Emmy Awards was one of the winners proposing to his girlfriend onstage.

- There was some confusion because when he got down on one knee, people thought the National Anthem was about to come on.

- It was nice for Showbiz to see a man proposing something to a woman OUTSIDE of the casting office.

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A Florida man faces charges after he allegedly drove his 15-year-old son to a park with his teen girlfriend so they could - as he put it - “do their thang”.

- And to think my Mom told me not stand close to Gail unless there was “room for Jesus”.

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Coca-Cola is partnering with a Canadian pot farmer to produce a series of Marijuana infused beverages.

- I could be wrong but I thought pot is a gateway to coke, not the other way around.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

73 year old Bob Seger has announced that his upcoming 6-month tour will be his last. He may not be touring anymore but to us fans, Bob, - every time we listen to one of your songs, you’re Still the Same!

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Apple unveiled it’s new iPhone Monday and some women are calling them out for a bigger 6.5 in. screen that they say “hurts” and is “Damaging to a women’s ‘hand health’”.

- This is the first reported case of Hand Shaming.

- Simple Solution: Don’t buy the phone!

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96 year old Betty White won her 8th Emmy last night - this was celebrating 80 years in television.

- Betty’s never won an Oscar… but there’s always next year. Well, MAYBE.

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Roseanne revealed the way producers of her show - which she was fired from - killed off her character: An opioid overdose.

- “That’s gotta be a bitter pill to swallow”… said Bill Cosby.

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Julie Chen is leaving “The Talk,” days after her husband, Les Moonves, was fired as the CEO of CBS for sexual assault.

- She’s no longer on “The Talk”, but I’ll bet there’s a whole lotta talk going on in the Moonves home these days.

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Archeologists claim they’ve discovered the world’s oldest brewery in Israel.

- L’Chaim!

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Britain’s Oldest Person told an interviewer that the key to her living to be 112 is: Whiskey. 

- Good news! Now we all have a shot at living to 112! 

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Prez Trump is going to send a text message to all U.S. cellphones this Thursday as a test of the new Federal Emergency Alert System.

- The message will start out, “This is a TEXT. This is only a TEXT”.

- The new system is designed to make sure we’re prepared in the event North Korea launches a Nuclear Covfefe.

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Woody Allen’s wife/daughter, Soon Yi, claims that her father/husband Woody is innocent, but that her mother/husband’s ex-girlfriend, Mia Farrow emotionally abused her when she was a child.

- The only thing that could make this story more complicated would be if Caitlyn Jenner was involved.

- And you thought Thanksgiving with YOUR family was awkward.

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Paul McCartney called out President Trump in one of his new songs, saying: “We’ve got a mad captain sailing this boat”.

- Trump immediately tweeted: “More proof the Beatles were a bunch of no-talent HACKS! And don’t get me started on Paul’s wife, Yoko! SAD!!!”

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The Weather Channel apologized after one it’s meteorologists who was seen allegedly battling fierce winds live on camera during Hurricane Florence while two guys were seen casually walked through the background.

- Forecasters say there’s a 100% chance of this guy getting canned by 5 this afternoon.

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Today is National Apple Dumpling Day!

- If you like to Dumple Apples… this is your Lucky Day.

(For those of you who don’t know what an Apple Dumpling is, (like me) it’s a cored apple - doused with cinnamon, sugar and butter, wrapped in pastry and baked!)

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A viral video shows a 2,000 pound bull in Utah jumping a fence and running away — all to avoid being circumcized.

- Well wouldn’t you???

- I nominate this for the “Take a Little Off the Top” Story of the Day!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

After 1,082 games and 960 career points over 15 years with the Red Wings, Henrik Zetterberg is retiring due to a degenerative back issue. A member of the 2008 Red Wing Stanley Cup team, he took over when Nick Lidstrom retired in 2012. Zetterberg said, “Even though I knew that I was on my last couple years, I wish that I could play a little bit longer.” So do we, “Hank”! Best of luck…and many thanks!!

-Dick

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

Former White House aid Omarosa Manigault Newman unveiled a new recording from inside the White House.

- Don’t tell me what’s on it! I’m waiting for the Box Set.

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Alex Trebek debuted a new beard during the season premier of Jeopardy that’s got the entire showbiz world talking.

- It’s the most famous beard in Hollywood since Debbie Rowe married Michael Jackson.

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A Wallet Hub survey found that 55% of millennials are willing to go into debt in order to get one of the new iPhones unveiled this week.

- I think the big news here is that Millennials are willing to pay for something without hitting up their parents.

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An Ohio supermarket is facing criminal charges after for eating $9000 worth of deli meat during the past five years she has worked for the business.

- Her attorney says the charges are a “bunch of bologna”. 

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A naked Florida man accidentally started his house on fire by trying to bake cookies on a George Foreman grill.

- This is exactly why I always get my cookies from the Girl Scouts.  

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A growing number number of Germans are accusing British women of ruining Oktoberfest by showing up in scantily clad outfits.

- The British have finally found a way to annoy the Germans for starting World War II.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick