President Obama announced that the U.S. will send Americans to Mars by 2030. 

- Right now, I'm a little more concerned about who we're going to send to the White House next month. 

*****

New Wikileaks documents show that media sources provided Hillary Clinton with the questions ahead of the Presidential Primary debates, which is basically cheating.  

- In the old days, when the word "Clinton" and "Cheating" were used in the same sentence, the word "Bill" always came to mind. 

*****

This just in... The President of CNN has reportedly ordered a blackout of any coverage of Danney Williams, the Arkansas man who claims to be Bill Clinton's biological son. 

- Williams says he doesn't care about CNN... He just cares about DNA.

*****

49 year old Pamela Anderson posed in lingerie for a series of Selfies in a Spanish magazine... then went on to say that racy images and pornography are ruining marriages. 

- Pam really "walks the walk"... albeit in slow motion. 

*****

Scot Baio says people need to "grow up" if they're offended by Donald Trump's comments. 

- Look for his new TV show "I Groped Joanie And She Still Loves Cha-Chi". 

*****

McDonald's announced that they're cutting down on appearances by Ronald McDonald because of the "Creepy Clown" scare. 

- In a related story, "The Hamburgler" is being questioned by French police in the Kim Kardashian robbery. Coincidence? ... Maybe.

*****

A Hulu survey found that 62% of men lie about having watched the latest popular TV shows. 

- Turns out instead of watching  "Game of Thrones"... they're actually on the throne checking the sports scores on their smartphone. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

A 90 second re-mix of Sunday night's Presidential debate that has Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton singing the duet "I've Had The Time Of My Life" from the movie Dirty Dancing has already gotten over 1 million hits. I decided to post it here for your listening enjoyment...

*****

Just released Wikileaks documents include an email from Hillary's campaign manager John Podesta saying "I know she has begun to hate everyday Americans" - but he said she needed to say she would be their "champion". 

- But she's become really fond of the millions of voters in the "basket of deplorables" who according to the polls have switched their support to her. 

*****

In one of the documents released by Wikileaks, Bill Clinton's best friend who works for the Clinton Foundation called Chelsea Clinton a "Spoiled Brat".

- The guy must be taking parenting lessons from Alec Baldwin. 

*****

Former Republican California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he will not support Donald Trump because of his sexist comments about women. 

- Arnold called Donald and started the conversation with "Hello Kettle? It's me, The Pot". 

- Wow. I thought those two were Maid for each other. 

*****

Samsung has officially ended production of their "Galaxy 7" smartphone after more consumers complained that the phones caught on fire. 

- This is not what Samsung meant when they introduced the phone and said "It would catch on fire!" 

- That's why I love my Flip Phone. It never catches on fire... in fact, I can barely get it to turn on. 

*****

A new study claims that Yoga might not be rigorous enough to satisfy the recommended guidelines for daily physical activity. 

- Just when I finally mastered the "Leaning Tower of Pisa During A Hurricane" pose.  

*****

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told Katie Couric that the "kneeling during the National Anthem" trend is "Dumb and Disrespectful". 

- And at 83 years old, she announced she'll be holding a "Justices' Lives Matter" rally this weekend. 

*****

Social Media lit up when a rumor surfaced that Nickelodeon had cancelled production of "SpongeBob Squarepants" after 17 years. But Nick execs say it's not true. 

- Tens of thousands of 30 year olds living in their parents basements are breathing a collective sigh of relief. 

*****

NOTE: Today is the LAST DAY in Michigan to register to Vote in the November 8th Presidential Election! 

- Don't miss your chance to cast your ballot for the Candidate you despise the least! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

OCTOBER 10, 2016

Both Trump and Hillary Clinton took the gloves off during last night's Presidential debate, hurling insults at each other.

- She called him a "Liar" and "Unfit to be President". And he said she should be "In jail" and is "Unfit to be in a 'Girls Gone Wild' Video". 

*****

Right off the top, The Donald apologized for what he called "Locker Room Talk" in the famous video that rocked his campaign over the weekend. 

- The conversation on that tape was like the Locker Room Talk at Spartan Stadium lately...but Trump used a lot fewer expletives. 

*****

The biggest star of the night turned out to be one of the undecided voters named Kenneth Bone who, donning a bright red sweater, asked a question about Energy policy. 

- He was just what the doctor ordered for disgruntled voters can't stand either Trump or Clinton and who've been saying "C'mon... throw me a Bone, wouldya?"

*****

An FBI study shows that gun sales are up by 27% compared to this time last year. 

- FBI Director James Comey says the gun sales are clearly wrong... but he has no plans to indict anyone who bought one. 

*****

A new biography of Paul Simon labels the singer as a thief and a bully. 

- That may be, but he's still got better hair than Art Garfunkel. 

- The book is called "Me & Julio Stealing a Kid's Lunch Money Down By The School Yard". 

*****

Pope Francis named 17 new Cardinals during a ceremony at the Vatican. 

- He would have named 18, but they'd already reached their Salary Cap. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #206

OCTOBER 8, 2016

Well thanks to the miracle of modern science (okay... Jackie figured out which button to push) I am thrilled to present our first full length Podcast in some time! 

With Hurricane Matthew on everyone's mind... I'll tell you the true (even backed up by old newspaper accounts) story of how a very young and naive Gail and I not only survived Hurricane Donna when it ravaged Jacksonville, Florida in 1960 - but how we actually drove across a massive bridge during the worst of it... all so I could get to work on time. (Hey... somebody had to be there to spin the tunes!)

Then it's on to our final look at the new Seinfeld book - with an emphasis this time on Michael Richards aka Kramer. (Hint: He was apparently as eccentric when the cameras were off, as he was when they were rolling). 

So put down that rickshaw your pulling and instead of declaring "I'm out!", "Tune in!" to Podcast #206. 

Have a great rest-of-the-weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

October 6, 2016

In the wake of scores of "Scary Clown" sightings, a group in Oregon is planning a "Clown's Lives Matter" march to show that clowns are good people, not psycho killers. 

- The Clowns say they plan a peaceful event... but if detractors show up, they haven't ruled out using water-squirting flowers and confetti-filled cannons. What a bunch of Bozos. 

*****

The U.S. has suspended bilateral contact with Russia because of their ongoing role in Syria.

- Translation: President Obama unfriended Vladimir Putin on Facebook.

*****

Thousands of flights have already been cancelled in anticipation of the arrival of Hurricane Matthew. 

- This is horrible news for travelers, but great news for pilots who want to throw back a few cocktails. 

*****

Supporters of Hillary Clinton claim Donald Trump was "an idiot" for his pronunciation of "Nevada" during a campaign stop there. Trump insists it's "Ne-VAH-da"... They say it's "Nev-AD-a". 

- Coming soon... The Great "You Say To-MAY-To... I Say To-MAH-to" debate. 

- It mean not seem like a big deal until you remember how Dan Quayle was brought down by a Potato.

*****

The Arkansas man who claims that Bill Clinton is his biological father has started a Facebook page. 

- Does this guy NOT understand that if Hillary can delete 33,000 emails, she's not gonna have much trouble getting rid of THAT?

*****

In an exclusive interview with People Magazine, Kim Kardashian said she knew she had to keep quiet to survive the robbery in France. 

- Which is why she barely made a sound while uploading selfies of herself sitting on her butt in the bathtub looking "scared-but-sexy" to her Instagram account. 

*****

A Nigerian man gave his fiancee a surprise lavish wedding just 6 hours after proposing to her. 

- He paid for it with the $100,000 she wired him when he first emailed her last summer. 

*****

There's a new spicy tortilla chip in stores so hot - it only comes one to a package. "The Carolina Reaper Madness Chip" will set you back $4.99 and after trying it, one tester said, "I have no idea what's happening to my body right now."

- I feel the same way every time I binge out on a bag of Cheetos. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

October 5, 2016

Last night's VP Debate was a bit of a free-for-all, with Hillary Clinton's Veep candidate Tim Kaine interrupting Trump's Mike Pence & the moderator 72 times in 90 minutes. 

- The technical term for it is "De-bate-us Interuptus". 

- George W. Bush, who watched the debate, has dubbed Kaine "The Interrupter-er". 

- Kaine interrupted so much, when the moderator asked a question, she then asked for some duct tape.

*****

Social Media went crazy after Kaine said he would be "Hillary's Right-Hand Person" instead of "Right-Hand Man".

- What next? "Personal Assistant of State" because the word "Secretary" is demeaning to women? I mean... uh... "People With Alternate Reproductive Organs". 

- And what about Left-Handed people? Great... another disenfranchised minority. 

*****

Commentators pretty much agreed that Pence brought a sense of sensibility to the Trump Campaign.

- Trump immediately tweeted, "Yada...Yada...Yada..." 

*****

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is expected to test fire a rocket today that will include a pre-planned explosion, which the crew would survive. 

- The crew would actually eject with parachutes and glide back to earth for FREE in just 2 Days - Guaranteed if they have Amazon Prime.

*****

Vladimir Putin announced that he is tired of being attacked as a bad guy by Clinton and Trump.

- And if anybody knows about attacks...it's Putin. 

- Vlad is said to be so distracted by Trump and Clinton mentioning him, he forgot to take his shirt off for his horseback ride this morning. 

*****

ABC has given the green light to a reboot of the 1970's hit "The Gong Show". 

- The network is auditioning a bunch of ISIS wanna be's... because it's guaranteed they'll bomb. 

*****

Action figures based on the cast of "The Golden Girls" will debut at the New York Comic-Con this weekend. 

- They were going to debut figures of Baywatch girls but they ran out of plastic. 

*****

A new study shows that Botox injections may be slightly better for incontinence than surgical intervention. 

- And as a bonus... patients won't have those unsightly bladder wrinkles. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

A 28 year old man named Danny Williams is demanding a DNA test, claiming that Bill Clinton is his Dad after having an affair with his Mom, a prostitute, in Little Rock. 

- Looks like Bill's next campaign appearance is going to be on The Maury Povich show. 

*****

Meanwhile, during a speech in Flint yesterday, Bill Clinton took a shot at President Obama calling Obamacare a "crazy system" that "doesn't make any sense". 

- He said it wasn't as crazy as "Hillarycare" that his wife proposed back in 1993, but still "it's pretty nuts". 

*****

Tonight is the big debate between the two VP candidates, Trump running mate Mike Pence and Clinton Veep Tim Kaine. 

- These two guys are important. After all, one of them could be one heartbeat away... and the other one seasonal allergy away from the Presidency. 

*****

Donald Trump continues to defend using legal loopholes to avoid paying federal taxes, and vows to change the system so he will have to pay more taxes in the future. 

- I haven't been this confused since Bruce Jenner got a Boob Job. 

*****

Despite the fact that the father of the 15 year old girl who was sexted by Anthony Weiner won't press charges, the FBI is going after "Carlos Danger". 

- Let's just cut to the chase... The FBI is gonna say he did some really bad stuff, but won't indict him. 

******

Some people think that Kim Kardashian's robbery-at-gunpoint was actually a publicity stunt to help sagging ratings of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". 

- I don't care what they say. I believe Kim, no ifs, ands or Butts. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan had to have part of her finger surgically reattached after she severed it in a boating accident. 

- This is what happens when you try to do coke off a moving propeller. 

*****

Three Brits have split the Nobel Prize in Physics for their research into the secrets of 'exotic matter'.

- This has led to a new movement in the scientific community: "Exotic Matter Matters". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Masked men broke into Kim Kardashian's bedroom at a residence in Paris last night, tied her up at gunpoint and robbed her of more than $10 million in jewelry. 

- Luckily Kim was able to untie herself and call Ryan Lochte's mom.

- Kanye West rushed to Kim's side, but said "Beyonce was still the greatest person ever robbed at gunpoint of all time". 

*****

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is set to release a new set of documents tomorrow that he says will seriously damage Hillary Clinton's campaign - and also claims she once asked her staff if they could take him out in a drone strike. 

- Apparently emails aren't the only thing she wanted deleted. 

*****

Meanwhile an audio tape has surfaced where Hillary mocks Bernie Sander's supporters saying they "live in their parents basement" and work as "Baristas". 

- It may be insulting... but even Bernie has to admit it's kinda true. 

*****

A New York Times article revealed that Donald Trump lost almost a billion dollars in 1995, largely from his failed casino, meaning legally he didn't have to pay federal taxes for almost two decades. 

- You gotta wonder about a guy who loses at his own casino. 

*****

Pope Francis says he won't comment on the American election, but urged Catholics to Pray before voting. 

- With these two candidates, I'm thinking that's a good idea whether your Catholic or not. 

*****

A Yahoo Health survey found that 80% of Americans think the price of prescription drugs is too high.

- Apparently the other 20% have a two-dollar co-pay. 

- Madonna said she has to do one extra concert per year just to pay for her antibiotics. 

*****

Nicole Kidman told Red Magazine that she was way too young to marry Tom Cruise. 

- She added that trying to look shorter than him was "Mission Impossible". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #205

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #205...a bit of a mini-Podcast. Yes, once again technical difficulties have sidelined us from putting up the full 40 minutes that we recorded, but we did manage to get 11 minutes featuring two very special guests: Jackie's 15 year old son Charlie, and my daughter Julie's 4-year old son Brayden (aka "Captain America"). Charlie, who just turned 15, proves that teenage boys really don't have much to say... as opposed to Brayden who talks more than Donald Trump after a tweet from Rosie O'Donnell. 

So "take ten" (literally and figuratively) and join us for Podcast #205. As they say... it's short but sweet! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

Political Shocker: The Detroit News has endorsed Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate for President. It's the first time in the 143 year history of the Paper that they have Not endorsed a Republican Candidate for President. Johnson's a tri-athlete who has climbed the seven tallest mountains in the world, including Mt. Everest. 

- In response Trump Tweeted "Johnson doesn't have The Stamina to be President". 

*****

Donald Trump is hinting on Social Media that he will bring up Bill Clinton's sexual exploits during the next debate. 

- He won't get to all the women though... the debate's only 90 minutes long. 

*****

Apple is reportedly developing a sleep-tracking app for the Apple Watch. 

- Finally... I won't have to look at the clock on my nightstand to find out how much sleep I'm Not getting. 

*****

A life sized bronze statue of the late Eagles singer Glenn Frey has been installed in a park in Arizona. 

- Wouldn't a better spot for the statue have been a Hotel in California?  

*****

Angelina Jolie announced that she's going the London School of Economics.

- Meanwhile Brad Pitt announced that he's joining Match.com. 

*****

Speaking of Brangelina... There's a rumor going around that Angelina is once again wearing a vial of her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. 

- Of course at his age now, she's had to add some Coumadin to keep it from clotting.

*****

According to a study in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, sitting for three hours a day causes 433,000 deaths every year. 

- On the bright side, they don't really "drop dead", they just slump a little further down on the couch. 

*****

Sorry if I seem a little tired today -I was up late at the Kanye West concert at the Joe. 

- It was a great show but I wish he'd included more of his old songs like "Badunkadunk"and  "Call Some Hoes". 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

So as not to offend anyone, U of M students can now choose the pronoun they wish to be referred to, including "He", "She" and "Ze" or "Hir" for students who aren't sure which gender they are. 

- And instead of "Go Blue"... Alumni are now asked to say "Go Roy G Biv" so All Colors of the rainbow feel included. 

- This is going to make rushing Fraternities and Sororities a lot more complicated.

- I wouldn't want to the TV announcer who has to describe who just scored the touchdown. 

*****

Facebook users are being warned not to believe a scam post claiming that Brad Pitt is dead. 

- It was posted by an A. Jolie. 

- Friends are urging Angelina to ADOPT a nicer attitude towards Brad. 

*****

Hillary and Donald are both claiming that they won Monday night's debate. 

- Look for the same thing to happen the day after the election. 

*****

Meanwhile The Donald says the reason it seemed like he was sniffing so much at the debate was because someone monkeyed with his microphone. 

- When I hear "Monkeying with his microphone"... Bill Clinton always comes to mind. 

*****

A British study found that wearing polyester pants can lower a person's sex drive. 

- The study also found that if you wear polyester pants, you gave up on sex a long time ago.

*****

Switzerland has banned Muslim women from wearing Burkas in public. 

- Yet it still perfectly legal for Men to wear Speedos. Where is the justice???

*****

Scientists have revealed that people who suffer from acne as teens will look much younger later in life and will actually live longer than their smooth skinned classmates.

- I hope Joan Lyke reads this and regrets turning me down for the Freshmen Homecoming Dance. 

- So I should have saved all of the money I spent on Clearasil. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In their heated debate last night, Donald Trump said he'll release his tax returns when Hillary Clinton releases her 33,000 missing emails. 

- So all we have to do is wait for Hell to freeze over. 

*****

Debate Moderator, NBC News Anchor Lester Holt is being criticized for Not asking Hillary Clinton tough questions. 

- Like Benghazi, The Clinton Foundation, and Her Plan to get Brad and Angelina back together again. 

*****

The Donald has been criticized for rambling all over the place with his comments. 

- They should have brought in a  band to play "Ramblin Gamblin Man".

- I thought for sure Kanye West was gonna jump on stage and proclaim that "Hillary is the greatest Presidential Debater of all time!" 

*****

Despite fears that Hillary's pneumonia would cause her to have a coughing fit, Donald was the one who kept sniffling. 

- It was like watching "Sniffles the Clown" vs. "Little Red Email-Hood".

**** 

A study by Michigan State University found that riding a high-intensity roller coaster can help people pass kidney stones. 

- And if the roller coaster comes to a stop when you're upside down, they found people passed a lot more than that. 

*****

A man shot a barista a a Las Vegas Starbucks after his credit card was declined. 

- Luckily no one was injured since it was a Shot of Espresso. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #204

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of Fall and Podcast #204. We actually recorded it last Sunday (when it was still Summer), but with the passing of longtime Detroit news anchor and talk show host John Kelly, I decided to postpone putting it up until today. 

In this go round, Jackie and I will give you a list of reasons to embrace the change of seasons (got hairy arms? Autumn is your time of the year!) Then, I serve as your own personal "audio book" - reading more of the new best-seller "Seinfeldia". 

From why NBC had to shell out big bucks to name "Kramer", "Kramer", how Jason Alexander beat out scores of other actors to land the role of "George", and the actress who almost became "Elaine" before Julia Louis Dreyfus got the part, it's all in Podcast #204. 

So put on your Puffy Shirt and tune in... if you don't... "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog.

-Dick

Carmen Harlan is retiring from Channel 4 after 38 years. She worked with Mort Crim for the first 18, and with Devin Scillian for the last 20. About 6 years ago, Carmen and I were at a party when she asked me how I liked retirement. I told her I loved it, and she told me she was "considering it". Apparently it took her a while to make up her mind... Her last newscast will be November 11th.  

*****

Angelina Jolie allegedly told a friend that Brad Pitt smokes tons of weed and hired a group of Russian hookers, adding that since he turned 50, he's basically "gone insane".  

- Not wear-a-vial of-Billy-Bob-Thornton's-blood-around-your-neck-like-she-did-insane...but still pretty crazy!

*****

Anthony Weiner is in trouble AGAIN... This time for allegedly sexting with a 15 year old girl. 

- In his defense, the girl actually told him she was 16. 

*****

American University is now offering free coloring books to students to help them "de-stress".

- And if that doesn't work, they all get a Juice Box and a PB & J sandwich with the crust cut off.

*****

According to newly discovered documents, ISIS Jihadists are now giving their Brides suicide vests as wedding gifts. 

- Ah yes... "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something That Goes BOOM!"

- This is what happens when you register at "Bed, Bath & The Great Beyond". 

*****

The first official Breast Milk Bank has opened in New York State where mothers who can't breast feed can get milk for their babies. 

- The bank is lactated...I'm sorry, that's LOCATED... in Westchester County.

*****

David Letterman is returning to TV for a National Geographic series on Climate Change. 

- The show will feature the "Top Ten Icebergs That Are Melting" and "Stupid Human's Driving SUV's Tricks".

*****

Donald Trump told reporters he's preparing for the upcoming Presidential debates the same way he prepared for the Republican Primary Debates. 

- That explains why he's been making references to "Little Hillary".

*****

An Italian Neurosurgeon says he is prepared to perform the first human head transplant, and will reanimate his patient using electrical current. 

- The doctor said his patient won't feel a thing as he'll be given a strong Sed-A-Give. (Gene Wilder line in Young Frankenstein). 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with the first of our Fall Podcasts!

-Dick 

America is still reeling from the news that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. 

- But they'll still be together... As soon as the divorce is final, she's going to adopt him.

- You hear this kind of devastating news and it really puts the whole ISIS thing in perspective. 

*****

Singer Adele was so shaken up by news of the Jolie/Pitt break-up that she dedicated her concert to them last night at Madison Square Garden.

- HELLO???

*****

It's been reported that Bill Clinton  made $260,000 for a speech to the National Fragrance Foundation that lasted less than an hour. 

- It's inspired a new perfume... "Chanel No. 260,000". 

*****

The Russian Government has revealed that they plan on sending a man to the moon by 2030. 

- Which would be amazing news if this was 1969.

*****

Rapper Shawty Lo has died at the age of 40, leaving behind 11 children and 10 baby mamas. 

- He sure produced a lot more kids than he did hit songs. 

- Apparently he didn't come up "Shawty" in the bedroom. 

*****

O.J. Simpson prosecutor Chris Darden told Entertainment Tonight that he and co-counselor Marcia Clark were "more than just friends" DURING THE TRIAL. 

- He said their personalities fit together perfectly... you know, like hand-in-glove. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

RIP... Charmian Carr, who played the oldest daughter "Liesl" in the film classic The Sound Of Music, has died at the age of 73. One of Jackie's life-highlights was singing "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" with her live on the air when she visited us in the studio one day. The other six actors who played the Von Trapp Children are still alive. 

*****

Tom Hiddleston says that despite their break-up, he is still friends with Taylor Swift. 

- Taylor's got more ex-boyfriends than Madonna... but still doesn't have as many STD's. 

*****

It's a HUGE day in Pop Music History, as we celebrate the 20 Anniversary of the Spice Girls. 

- They're the second best group to ever come out of England... after Freddie & the Dreamers, of course. 

*****

An Italian tourist was trampled by an elephant just seconds after taking a pic of himself standing in front of it. 

- His girlfriend says she'll never forgot the horrible moment... and neither will the elephant. 

*****

A California Review Board has denied Mark Zuckerberg's request to demolish four homes so he could expand the size of his mansion. 

- He's already "unfriended" everyone on the board. 

*****

Recently leaked emails show that Hillary reads her Blackberry in the shower.

- And you don't even want KNOW what Bill does in there. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

R.I.P..... John Kelly, longtime Detroit TV newsman and talk show host, has died at the age of 88 at his residence in Southfield. John was part of the incredibly famous Channel 7 news team, "Bonds, Kelly, Ackerman, Turner" in the 1970's - having been hired away from his previous station, WJBK where here worked successfully with Jac Le Goff, Jerry Kodak and his soon-to-be-wife, Marilyn Turner. 

In addition to the news, John, along with Marilyn, co-hosted "Kelly & Company"... a widely popular morning talk show. Jackie had the privilege of interning on the show for a summer and said that John was "alway funny and beyond nice. He treated us 'little people' like we were just as important as the famous guests who came in to be on the show". The picture of the coffee cup was taken by Jackie at her house this morning. She got it (okay...she stole it) when she left to go back to college and still uses it to this day. 

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Marilyn and the family. 

A 25 year old British woman has entered the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest female beard in the world. 

- She was going to go out and celebrate with her boyfriend... but then realized she doesn't have one anymore because her beard was longer than his. 

- That sketch looks like Caitlyn Jenner at 5 in the afternoon. 

*****

Donald Trump says he needs to lose 15 or 20 pounds. 

- His next tweet should read "Trump With The Rump".  

- Apparently the Donald has been making his waist "Great Again". 

*****

CBS is underfire for editing Bill Clinton's comments about Hillary's health...taking out the word "frequently" and leaving in "rarely" when he talked about her fainting spells over the years. 

- If I didn't know better... I'd think the media was Biased.

- Apparently CBS stands for the "Clinton Broadcasting System".

*****

The White House has confirmed that two more prisoners released from Gitmo by President Obama have re-joined terrorist groups. So far, over 100 men released from the prison have returned to jihadist groups. 

- This is great.... we'll let anybody IN the country, but we make sure we send Islamic Terroists back to their friends and family.

*****

A New York photography studio has begun offering professional "penis" photoshoots that include dressing "Mr. Happy" in costumes and tiny hats. 

- It's good to see Anthony Weiner putting his photography skills to good use. 

- For Trump fans, they even have an itty bitty  "Make America Great Again" baseball cap.

*****

The Detroit Lions are teaming up with Uber to offer fans rides to and from their games at Ford Field. 

- In keeping with many of the Lions passes, the Uber cars will drive out of bounds. 

- So now you'll make it home safely, but the Lions still won't make it to the Super Bowl.

*****

The Outback Steakhouse released a statement reminding customers that they do not allow firearms in the restaurants. 

- Apparently they want diners to leave their guns Outback.

- So you can ride shotgun in the car on the way to dinner... you just can't take it in. 

*****

A Fertility Doctor in Indianapolis has been accused of using his own sperm to inseminate at least 50 of his patients.

- He's going to have to clear out an entire cupboard to fit all of the "World's Worst Dad" coffee mugs he'll be getting next Father's Day.     

******

A woman in Florida, upset with her order at a Wendy's drive-thru, went into the restaurant, trashed the counter and threw pink lemonade in the manager's face. 

- Wow... I had no idea Wendy's had pink lemonade.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Donald Trump will sit down with Doctor Oz tomorrow to discuss the status of his health. 

- We don't know what he's going to say... but we do know that Dr. Oz is going to stretch a human colon out across the stage and tell Trump that he can drop a ton of weight by drinking green tea extract. 

*****

Speaking of Colons... Colin Powell is the latest victim of email hacking... and it's not good for Hillary. Powell said that he lost a speaking gig "because she so overcharged them... they couldn’t afford any fees for awhile. I should send her a bill.” 

- Hillary is going to respond in a speech she's giving this afternoon... for 250 grand. 

*****

Meanwhile, a new poll found that 50% of Americans think that Hillary has given false information about her health. 

- The other 50% were unable to respond as they were coughing too hard from "seasonal allergies". 

*****

Two cops in California rescued a kitten who was trapped in a drain pipe by luring it out with a leftover burrito from their car.

- Donald Trump said he believes it's a Mexican kitten that sneaked across the border and is threatening to deport it. 

*****

A 2-year-old South Carolina boy is home safely after he was found driving down the street in the middle of the night in a battery-powered toy car.

- Boy... Uber will hire anybody these days. 

*****

The Oxford English dictionary is adding the word "moobs" which is short for "man boobs". 

- Under synonyms you'll find the words "Caitlyn Jenner". 

*****

The first trailer has been released for "Fifty Shades Darker".... the sequel to "Fifty Shades of Grey". 

- Reviewers say it's just like a porn movie... except it has a plot... sort of. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Ryan Lochte was dancing on DWTS when a man rushed the stage yelling "Lochte's a liar". 

- Ryan immediately called his Mom and said he and his dance partner had been robbed at gunpoint. 

*****

Former Texas Rick Perry also made his debut on DWTS to good reviews. 

- One Judge said he hasn't seen a politician dance that well since Hillary Clinton talked about her health. 

*****

Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary well and hopes she get over her pneumonia soon. 

- But added that he's going to build a wall around her at the debates to keep out any unwanted germs. 

*****

Some leaders of the Democratic Party are reportedly looking at other candidates to replace Hillary in case her health keeps her from continuing her campaign. 

- This could give Bernie Sanders the chance to not get the nomination Twice in one year.

*****

Supermodel Kate Upton blasts the Miami Dolphins on social media for kneeling down during the National Anthem. 

- The Dolphins plan to Flipper off. 

*****

Rapper Lil Wayne says that later today, he'll announce whether he's retiring from making music. 

- You might agree with me that he retired from making music the first time he turned his microphone on. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick