Trump and Clinton are projected to win their respective primaries in today's highly anticipated primary in New York. 

- A large turnout is expected, but experts say the number of registered voters in "the Bronx is up, but the Battery's down". 

*****

The AMC Theater chain has decided to cancel their plans to have a text-friendly theater for Millennials. 

- So now Millennials will just have to keep using their smartphones in non-text-friendly theaters like they always do. 

*****

A new book claims that Ringo Starr slept with over 1,000 women during his time as a Beatle. 

- Now all he's got is a bunch of photographs. 

- Ringo says he's not proud of his promiscuity...but is proud that he never slept with Yoko Ono. 

*****

A Stanford study revealed that non-smokers are 24% more likely to land jobs than smokers. 

- On the plus side, smokers have something to do while standing in the unemployment line. 

*****

David Hasselhoff has asked a court to allow him to stop paying spousal support to his ex-wife. 

- She didn't make the hearing...it took longer than she thought to run to the courthouse in slow motion while wearing her bikini. 

*****

"Real Housewives of New Jersey" star Teresa Giudice visited her husband in prison for the first time. 

- The visit was filmed for a new reality show: "The Real Conjugal Visits of New Jersey". 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #192

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Podcast #192. Today Jackie and I concentrate on the big "Coachella" rock concert that has been running all this weekend in the desert in California, and the incredible lengths the women attending the concert go to to "recapture their youth". (Can you say 2O grand for liposuction and an abdomen tuck so you can look good in a midriff top at a 3 day concert???) As opposed to the guys who figure no matter what shape they're in, a tee-shirt and cut-offs will do. 

But the really BIG news here is the NEXT concert...

According to Rolling Stone Magazine, the Coachella concert in October, will be a strictly "over 70" affair - in that all of the on-stage performers will be 70 or older and will star Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, The Who and Bob Dylan. The good news: YOU don't have to be over 70 to attend! 

Plus we ask should Kindergarten students be exposed to a diatribe on "elephants" and "donkeys" (you know what I mean) when learning about animals? Or is Post-Pre-School-Politics jumping the gun? We'll get a middle schoolers take. 

So get your Bic lighter out and get ready to wave it in the air as you listen to Podcast #192! 

Have a great day!

-Dick

Rocker Bono told Congress that America should send Amy Schumer and Chris Rock to the Middle East so they can use their comedy to stop ISIS. 

- Here's an idea... Why doesn't Bono head over there and do a concert first? 

- Amy and Chris are against the idea and are encouraging people to tweet Bono: #Comedianslivesmatter. 

- You gotta love a celebrity who's willing to put other celebrities lives on the line in the name of world peace. 

*****

Bernie Sanders says tonight's Democratic Debate against Hillary Clinton will be like nothing his supporters have ever seen before. 

- Sounds like somebody's gonna wear a skirt...and it won't be Hillary!

*****

Meanwhile, longtime Hillary supporter Cher says she may switch her allegiance and vote for Bernie. 

- She identifies more with Bernie since Hillary is alway in a limo and neither she nor Bernie can drive at night. 

*****

Harrison Ford's leather jacket from Star Wars was bought by a guy at auction for $191,000. 

- His girlfriend was speechless. Then again, she doesn't talk much... she's made of plastic and filled with air. 

*****

A new report found that the Clinton Foundation paid it's male executives 38% more than it's female execs. 

- But if you average in how much Hillary gets paid for giving a speech, women actually come out ahead by 25%. 

*****

Elton John is in talks to star in the sequel to "The Kingsman" - a spy thriller film.

- Elton will play an undercover agent disguised in a giant duck suit.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The hottest new spot in Siberia is "The Putin Cafe"... a coffee shop dedicated to Vladimir Putin, which features President Obama's face on the toilet paper. 

- The Obama administration sent an email telling an elated Putin to wipe the smile off his face.

*****

RIP... Paul Carey... who worked with Ernie Harwell in the Tiger broadcast booth for many years has died at the age of 88. 

*****

A Republican National Committee member said this morning on TV that Donald Trump doesn't need 1237 delegate votes to win the nomination...he just needs 1100. 

- If this is really true, "Lyin' Ted" will become "Cryin' Ted". 

*****

A British study found that LSD frees the brain to become more like the mind of a baby. 

- The study also found that PMS frees the mind to become more like that of a serial killer. (Just kidding ladies! I have SIX daughters!) 

*****

A new dating app called "Happy Couple" allows couples to deepen their relationships by taking digital quizzes on their smartphones. 

- Didn't they used to call this "sexting"? 

*****

Starbucks has apologized for a Barista who wrote "Diabetes Here I Come" on a Florida man's Grande White Chocolate Mocha. 

- But they still haven't apologized for charging everyone eight bucks for coffee. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

According to a new study, 1 in 50 fathers in England are unknowingly raising another man's child.

- Two words: Prince Harry. 

*****

Donald Trump says that his kids, Eric and Ivanka can't vote in the New York primary because they didn't register with a political party. 

- So he has demanded that they appear on "The Apprentice" where he will immediately fire them.  

*****

The Donald's ex-wife, Marla Maples, was eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars" on Monday night. 

- Thus ending her campaign to "Make The Tango Great Again". 

- Next up for Marla: She'll appear on a local Florida TV show called "Dancing With Little Marco". 

*****

Kim Jong Un and the North Korean government have published a fake letter from Abraham Lincoln to President Obama in which Honest Abe criticizes Obama's policies against North Korean Nukes. 

- Dennis Rodman says President Lincoln has already agreed to join him on his next trip to visit his BFF...KJU! 

*****

CIA Director John Brennan says the agency will not bring back waterboarding even if the next President wants it. 

- Instead they'll make suspected terrorists watch re-runs of my fellow Kenmore High School Graduate Wolf Blitzer until they're bored enough to give up the info. 

*****

Pamela Anderson wrote a letter to California Governor Jerry Brown asking him to make all the state prisons stop serving meat. 

- So look for prisoners to be out in the yard trading cigarettes for meatloaf. 

- If you thought heroin was bad, burgers could be the new "gateway meat" to steak.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Bernie Sanders is going to the Vatican to meet with the Pope this week. 

- The Pope was originally going to go to Sander's house for the meeting, but he realized a "Weekend at Bernie's" might confuse voters as to whether Bernie is still alive. 

*****

A study by the Mayo Clinic found that 97% of Americans live an unhealthy lifestyle. 

- The other 3% have a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner! 

*****

Over 20 million people tuned in to watch The Masters final yesterday which saw Englishman Danny Willett in the Green Jacket.  Last year's winner Jordan Spieth, who at one point had a five shot lead, ended up tying for second. 

- He faded faster than Donald Trump in Wisconsin. 

*****

Three shipwrecked sailors were rescued from a desert island in the Pacific Ocean after using palm leases to spell the word "HELP". 

- They originally spelled out "SOS" but the rescue plane pilot thought it was just an add for a new Apple Operating System. 

*****

Hugh Hefner's younger brother Keith Hefner has died at the age of 87. 

- The younger Hefner was an educated man with a Masters from U of M, a PhD from Stanford and an STD from one of Hugh's old girlfriends. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

- Dick

Purtan Podcast #191

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Opening Day Weekend and Podcast #191. Today Jackie and I sit down at the Purtan Family Dining Room Table for an off the cuff conversation including:

- An update on James "The Walking Man" Robertson... and the nostalgic way he spent Opening Day. 

- Hannibal and his Elephants. 

- Another "Hannibal"... and his co-star. 

- How "Dress Up As Your Favorite Historical Character Day", when Jackie was in Junior High, turned out to be more of a learning experience for the school's Vice Principal than for the students. 

- The reality show that I have to watch occasionally because my wife Gail likes it. 

- The Pope's rather shocking new pronouncement about people needing to enjoy "erotic sex"... whatever that is. 

and

- A 2 foot tall unisex robot...and the effect it had on some college students (Let's just say the Pope would approve). 

So make like an elephant and remember to tune in to podcast #191! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Charlize Theron told British GQ Magazine that it's much harder for pretty women to land good movie roles. 

- If you're one of the two people who feel bad for her... let's get together, make some signs and start a movement: #PrettyActressesLivesMatter. 

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow underwent a therapy treatment to soften her skin in which she was stung by thousands of bees. 

- The event will be recreated in her new movie: "Shakespeare's In Love With An Idiot". 

*****

Yesterday, Bernie Sanders told a group at a rally that Hillary Clinton is "Unqualified to be President" because she takes millions in donations from Wall Street. 

- Hillary fired back that they weren't donations... she actually gave two whole speeches to earn that money. 

*****

Bernie also said that he's inspiring a new American Revolution. 

- During the last American Revolution that Bernie was part of, everyone wore tri-cornered hats. 

*****

A study by YourHealth found that certain sunscreen brands may interfere with the production of sperm cells. 

I think the lesson here is...Don't put sunscreen where the sun don't shine. 

*****

Simon Cowell says he won't be watching tonight's farewell to "American Idol" because the show came "unraveled" after he and Paula Abdul left. 

- Personally, I thought it unravelled when William Hung auditioned with "She Bang!"

*****

The children's show "Thomas the Tank Engine" has added new characters depicting trains from China and Mexico. 

- The Mexican train has a dining car where you can get a sandwich and some Coke. 

- It's only fitting they have a train representing China, since Chinese kindergarteners are the ones who made it.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Bentley owned by Queen Elizabeth has gone up for sale for $285,000.

- If you want more info, just check out the listing on Sir Craig's List. 

*****

After last nights loss to Bernie Sanders in Wisconsin, Hillary Clinton is trying to reach out to his voter base. 

- Her plan is to try and "redistribute" his delegates to her. 

*****

A British study found that 60% of married women fantasize about an ex-lover. 

- The same study found that 100% of married men named "Bill Clinton" do the same thing. 

*****

South Korea says that North Korea is now able to mount nuclear warheads on short range missiles. 

- South Korean officials are nervous since Kim Jong Un has already run out of relatives to test the missiles on. 

*****

The Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls are reportedly pondering a joint tour. 

- The idea came up after the two groups ran into each other during an Early Bird Dinner at Denny's. 

*****

A list of items purchased by convicted murderer Jodi Arias from the prison commissary has been released. It includes 10 "Shank proof" toothbrushes, Dandruff shampoo, and Beano. 

- Apparently she's trying to keep her cell from becoming a Gas Chamber. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Ben & Jerry's is giving away free Bernie Sanders-inspired ice cream ahead of the New York primaries. 

- It comes on a stick and is known as a "Metamu-cicle". 

- They say it's part of their "Redistribution of Ice Cream" Program. 

*****

Top Hillary Clinton staffer Huma Abedin (aka Mrs. Anthony Weiner) says the first time she saw Hillary she thought "Oh my God...she's so beautiful". 

- Bill said, "Seriously? Are you talking about MY Hillary?"

*****

Sarah Palin posted a Facebook photo of herself holding a dead boar alongside a message supporting Donald Trump. 

- Donald immediately said she was ugly... then sent out a clarification saying he was talking about the boar. 

*****

A new survey shows that 25% of people have used a sick day to take care of their pet. 

- The same survey showed that Dogs were grateful, but Cats were like, "Fine. But where are you taking me for Spring Break?" 

*****

An new study shows that the average "physical interlude" lasts 5.4 minutes. 

- See ladies? You haven't been giving men enough credit!

*****

Villanova beat North Carolina to become NCAA Champs last night with a three-point shot at the buzzer. 

- Now the only thing left of "March Madness" is this April cold weather. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Italian schools have made "wine tasting classes" part of the curriculum for First Graders starting next year. 

- It's known as their "Ernest & Julio Down By The Schoolyard Program". 

- They're even launching a cartoon to show during class called "Dora the Drunk Explorer". 

- The kids will be known as "Cabernet Sauvig-youngs". 

- And at school parties, the kids will play "Pinot the Tail on the Donkey". 

*****

The Secret Service caught an intruder trying to jump the White House fence on Sunday. 

- Poor Al Gore. He's still trying to find a way to get into the White House. 

*****

Donald Trump announced that part of his plan to reduce the national debt would be to sell off hundreds of government buildings that are not being used. 

- For example, the Capitol Building.  

*****

An Intel survey found that most Americans would share their private data for money. 

- With one exception... Hillary Clinton. She won't even do it with a court order. 

*****

The Prime Minister of Spain is vowing to get rid of "siestas" - the traditional three hour break Spanish workers take during the afternoon. 

- Here in America, McDonald's is vowing to get rid of the "McSiesta" where the workers spend three hours intentionally screwing up customers' drive thru orders. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner will join the cast of the TV show "Transparent". 

- Let's just hope she doesn't wear "transparent" pants. 

*****

My Alma Mater Syracuse did not make it to The Big Dance after being defeated by North Carolina in their Final Four match-up. But Congrats to them for making it almost all the way! Villanova vs. North Carolina for the NCAA Championship Title tonight at 9:19pm. 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

*****

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #190

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to an Encore presentation of Podcast #190. We got such an great response to it over the course of the week, I decided to re-post it for those of you who may have missed it. 

In all honesty, I have to say of all 190 Podcasts we've done, this may be my favorite. Our main topic today: the sudden death of comedian Garry Shandling at the age of 66. 

We invited Tom Delisle back again this week because he and Garry were friends and were a comedy writing team during many of years Tom lived in LA. Tom will explain their working relationship - and friendship - and how both came to an abrupt end when Tom gave an honest answer to a question asked by Garry during a phone call about two projected TV shows, "It's Garry Shandling's Show" and "The Larry Sanders Show". 

He'll also explain why Garry didn't fear death - and in some ways looked forward to it - all due to a car accident he survived years ago. 

And I'll tell you about a comedy bit that I saw on TV back in the early 60's that actually caused me to fall off the couch laughing... and, well, I tell the rest of story in the Podcast. (It's something I never had the nerve to tell on the air during all my years on the radio.) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

Today, March 31st marks the 88th Birthday of Gordie Howe... The Greatest of them all!

*****

An attorney for the D.C. Madam says he has phone records that could upend the Presidential race. 

- Bernie Sanders is off the hook. The last time he hired a hooker, Miss Kitty fixed him up with a girl from the Long Branch Saloon. 

*****

A Minnesota company has invented a .38 caliber pistol that folds up to look like a smartphone. 

- This gives new meaning to "Shoot me a text" and "I'll just fire off an email". 

***** 

A video has gone viral of a 78 year old Ilinois grandma dead-lifting 225 pounds. 

- She says it's no big deal... she's been carrying 250 pounds of dead weight ever since her grandson flunked out of community college. 

*****

A man in China recently used over 3,000 Rubik's cubes to create a mural to propose to his girlfriend. 

- She didn't get it at first... in fact her boyfriend said she looked puzzled. 

*****

Susan Sarandon caused an uproar in Hollywood when she told an interviewer that she's unsure if she'd vote for Hillary or The Donald. 

- Btw... Look for Susan at theaters this summers. She'll be working the concession stand. 

*****

A new biography claims that Dustin Hoffman once slapped Meryl Streep on the set of "Kramer Vs. Kramer" to get her angry. 

- Truth be told, he slapped her because she wouldn't stop talking in a Czechoslovakian accent. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

RIP... Actress Patty Duke has died of sepsis at the age of 69.

*****

The FBI has dropped it's suit against Apple after an unnamed 3rd party managed to break into the San Bernadino terrorists iPhone. 

- The press tried to reach the genius who unlocked it for a comment, but he was at recess on the playground.  

*****

Donald Trump's campaign manager has been charged with assaulting a female reporter at a Florida rally by squeezing her arm. 

- Trump says his manager would never do that... because the woman was ugly. 

*****

A new study suggests that a person's posture can affect their success in online dating.

- So when you're going through those 20 year old photos of yourself to use as  your profile pic, make sure you find one where you're standing up straight. 

*****

Florida Governor Rick Scott is calling on Yale University to leave Connecticut and move to Florida. 

- Just what Florida needs...more Seniors. 

*****

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg says that the only way to fight ISIS is by "creating a world where everyone feels cared for and loved". 

- Sounds like a plan! 

- So I guess we're supposed to "Hug a Terrorist". I nominate Zuckerberg to go first. 

*****

A radio host in Florida is suing William Shatner for $170 million for denying that he is Captain Kirk's illegitimate son. 

- Shatner says the man is just trying to Kling-on to his fortune. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Donald Trump took time out from campaigning to visit his daughter Ivanka and his newborn Grandson Theodore James. 

- Or as The Donald calls him, "Cryin' Ted". 

*****

Sally Miller, the woman who for years has claimed she had a three year affair with Bill Clinton when he was the Governor of Arkansas, said in a new interview that Bill used to come to her house, dress up in her little black nightie and play the sax. 

- He did the same thing when he was dating Hillary, but he used to slip into her little black pant suit. 

*****

Starbucks is unveiling a new marketing campaign that urges customers to discuss the Presidential Election. 

- For example, they have new cups reading: "Caution: Hot! You Might Bern Yourself".

*****

A study by Leeds Beckett University found that some parents give potato chips and soft drinks to children as young as 5 months old. 

- And you thought the Gerber baby looked happy.

*****

Justin Bieber posted a naked picture of his rear end on Instagram.

- No word where he took the photo...but his butt is usually in jail. 

- Unlike Kim Kardashian, he didn't have to use the "Panoramic" setting to get both cheeks in. 

*****

Elton John is being sued for sexual harassment by one of his former male security guards, who claims Elton demanded that he drop his pants and prepare to "Meet Uncle Elton". 

- The security guy described "Uncle Elton" as more like "Little Jeannie".

- Elton couldn't bring himself to apologize, saying "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word". 

*****

Just days after President Obama finished up his historic visit to Cuba, Fidel Castro wrote an op-ed for a newspaper in which he slammed Obama. 

- Apparently he wasn't impressed by the "Cuban Cigar of the Month" membership Barack and Michelle gave him as a hospitality gift.

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I hope you had a super Easter! Of all the colored eggs my favorite is definitely Orange - in honor of my Alma Mater Syracuse making it to the NCAA Final Four! 

*****

A report in the National Enquirer claims that Ted Cruz has been having affairs with 5 different women. 

- Bill Clinton immediately criticized Cruz...calling him "an amateur".

*****

Donald Trump is a grandfather again. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to her third child, Theodore James, Sunday afternoon. 

- At first he called the baby "Ugly"...but then realized it was a boy. 

*****

A single mother in Australia has married the sperm donor that contributed to the conception of her child. 

- She's even taking his name and will now be known as "Mrs. Donor #172". 

*****

A study by InfoPlease found that Americans consume enough jelly beans on Easter to circle the globe 3 times. 

- No one seems to know how many marshmallow chicks were eaten on Easter...in fact I haven't  heard a Peep. 

*****

President Obama used his Easter Address to assure Americans that he will stop at nothing to defeat ISIS. 

- And he'll get to that as soon as the NCAA tournament is over. Until then, we probably won't hear a Peep out of him. (Sorry for using the same punchline, but it only comes around once a year.)

*****

An American Airlines co-pilot will face a judge today after being arrested at Metro Airport for failing a breathalyzer test before flying the plane. 

- In addition to bail, the pilot will be forced to pay the airline for trying to board with too much emotional baggage. 

*****

A study by NASA found that it would cost $10 Billion to start human colonies on the moon. 

- But if it comes to that, or having your adult kids move into your basement, most people say they'd be willing to chip in for the colony. 

*****

Despite almost unanimous bad reviews by critics, "Batman Vs. Superman" took in a whopping $170 Million in it's opening weekend. 

- The critics were so embarrassed, they slipped into a phone booth and changed their minds. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #190

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to Weekend and Podcast #190... In all honesty, I have to say of all 190 Podcasts we've done, this may be my favorite. Our main topic today: the sudden death of comedian Gary Shandling at the age of 66. 

We invited Tom Delisle back again this week because he and Gary were friends and were a comedy writing team during many of years Tom lived in LA.  Tom will explain their working relationship - and friendship - and how both came to an abrupt end when Tom gave an honest answer to a question asked by Gary during a phone call about two projected TV shows, one of which became the famous "Larry Sanders Show". 

He'll also explain why Gary didn't fear death - and in some ways looked forward to it - all due to a car accident he survived years ago. 

And I'll tell you about a comedy bit that I saw on TV back in the early 60's that actually caused me to fall off the couch laughing... and, well, I tell the rest of story in the Podcast. (It's something I never had the nerve to tell on the air during all my years on the radio.) 

So join us as we celebrate and also mourn the man who brought us so many laughs and broke the television mold with "The Larry Sanders Show", thus setting the standard for a whole new genre of shows like "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "30 Rock" among others. 

RIP... Gary. 

Have a great Easter Weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

President Obama is taking heat for sipping champagne and dancing the Tango in Argentina instead of calls for him to return to the U.S. in the wake of the Brussels terrorist attacks. 

- It's not the first time he's danced around an important issue. 

- Apparently he plans to keep waltzing around Latin America. 

- He's gonna be out of work next January...maybe he's hoping for a shot on "Dancing With The Former Presidents". 

*****

Some students at Emory University claim that they are "scared and in pain" after someone wrote "Trump 2016" in chalk around campus. The school's administration is providing counselors to help them deal with their trauma. 

- I'm sure the issue will be addressed during the Graduation speech by this year's Wimp-adictorian.

- I am "scared and in pain" thinking that these students are the future of our country. 

*****

Jeb Bush officially endorsed Ted Cruz for President yesterday. 

- So Jeb! likes Ted!

*****

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that, starting in May, they will begin making "cultural exchange" trips to Cuba. 

- It's prefect because Cubans are used to being stranded at sea with a broken engine and no working bathroom. 

*****

A British study revealed that moderate alcohol consumption is not linked to a longer life. 

- But if you drink a lot, you may have a lot of fun, but you won't remember any of it. 

*****

A Seattle man caused a police situation when he climbed an 80 foot sequoia tree and refused to come down for hours.

- To reference the previous story, the guy was obviously HIGH at the time. 

- Ironically, the guy in the tree was obviously out of his tree. 

- He usually just climbed the regular sized tree in his backyard, but decided to branch out. 

*****

Film critics are calling the new Batman vs. Superman movie a complete waste of time. 

- They should have gone with Batgirl vs. Lois Lane... Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tuesday, a group supporting Ted Cruz aired a TV ad showing a naked picture of Donald Trump's wife taken from an old shoot for GQ Magazine with the caption "Here is your next first lady". 

- Wow. I didn't think we were gonna see naked pictures of the First Lady until Kanye West wins in 2020. 

*****

Meanwhile "The Donald" put out a tweet warning Ted Cruz to stop harassing his wife, or he'd "spill the beans" on Cruz's wife Heidi who is an investment banker at Goldman Sachs. 

- So we can assume by spilling the beans Trump means Heidi supported Hillary Clinton in the past.  

*****

President Obama finished up his historic visit to Cuba yesterday. 

- To pay his respects to the Cuban people, he had a bunch of inflatable rafts attached to Air Force One and floated back to the U.S. 

*****

A McGill University study found that city birds are more evolved than country birds. 

- But both kinds still poop on your windshield as soon as you leave the car wash. 

*****

A New York Times poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the highest unfavorable ratings of any two Presidential front runners - ever. 

- Bernie Sanders said he hasn't seen this much negativity since William Howard Taft ran against William Jennings Bryan in 1908. 

*****

Paul McCartney is trying to reacquire the rights to the Beatles song catalog. 

- "Reacquire" is another term for "Get Back". 

- Paul says it's been a long and winding road, but he thinks he can do it with a little help from his friends. 

- He added that he's working on the project Eight Days a Week. 

*****

The winner of "Top Chef" was arrested in Texas for assaulting his girlfriend after a night of drinking. 

- Leave it to a chef to get sauced. 

*****

Federal Agents are looking for a flight attendant who left a 70-pound suitcase of cocaine at the Los Angeles International Airport. 

- Besides, she didn't pay the "Over 50 Pounds" baggage fee. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In a speech Monday, Bill Clinton referred to the Obama presidency as the "awful legacy of the last eight years". 

- So apparently in addition to taking off his pants, Bill is capable of taking off the gloves. 

*****

CBS aired a focus group during the political program "Face The Nation" on Sunday that called Hillary Clinton the worst liar they've ever seen because she even lied about lying. 

- MSNBC's Brian Williams confirmed the focus groups' assessment, saying he was there each and every time Hillary lied. 

*****

A recent study revealed that 8 in 10 men have cried during an emotional television show. 

- And that doesn't even count Senator Rubio after Trump called him "Little Marco" during the debate. 

*****

An unnamed "Third Party" has stepped in and said they can create a way for the FBI to break into the iPhone of the San Bernadino terrorists. 

- Here's a tip for the FBI: Call my 14 year old grandson Charlie. He'll do it faster and a lot cheaper. 

*****

7-Eleven is now selling a Slurpee flavored donut. 

- Wouldn't a Donut flavored Slurpee be more refreshing? 

- Just when you thought the Kielbasa that's been on the roller for 16 hours was the unhealthiest thing at 7-Eleven. 

*****

Olivia Newton John's former boyfriend, who mysteriously disappeared off a boat 11 years ago has been spotted in Mexico with a new girlfriend. 

- Poor Olivia... She was hopelessly devoted to that guy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick