The Donald Says He'll Dump "Denali"

Donald Trump tweeted yesterday that if elected he will reverse President Obama's decision to change Mt. McKinley's name to it's original Eskimo name "Denali". 

- He also tweeted that The White House will be known as "Trump Plaza D.C."

*****

After some Republican candidates called for a wall along the Mexican border, Scott Walker is now calling for a wall to be built all the way across the border with Canada. 

- Luckily, we already have Tim Horton's over here. 

- Finally...something to stop the influx of Hockey sticks. 

*****

Ashley Madison claims that 87,000 women have signed up for their service since last month's hack. 

- They're hoping to set up a date with their husbands. 

*****

A Spongebob musical is coming to Broadway. 

- Being in NYC, the show will feature nudity which is why they're calling it "Spongebob NoPants". 

*****

The State Department has upgraded another 150 emails from Hillary Clinton's private server to  Classified status. 

- The only good news Hillary's had this week is that Bill's name still hasn't shown up on Ashley Madison. 

*****

Chipotle is being sued for lying about having a GMO-free menu. 

- I thought a GMO was a car song by Ronnie & The Daytonas.

*****

Travel & Leisure Magazine has declared Moscow, Russia as the least friendly city in the world. 

- Hard to believe with all those pictures of their smiling President. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

A Monumental Decision?

President Obama announced that Mt. McKinley is being renamed back to it's original Native American name, "Denali". 

- He also announced that the Washington Monument will now be known as "Big White Pointy Thing That Faces Sky". 

*****

NJ Governor Chris Christie says he wants to track immigrants the same way FedEx tracks packages. 

- The hard part will be getting the immigrants to wear the bar code stickers. 

*****

Researchers say that King Tut's manhood was fully erect when he was mummified, but that it was broken off when his tomb was discovered. 

- Suspects include an archeologist and a Ms. L. Bobbitt.

- Steve Martin could do a whole other song about this... "Howdya Get So HAPPY? King Tut...Tut...".   

*****

Sleep well last night? A new study shows that people who get less than 6 hours of sleep are 4.2 times more likely to catch a cold. 

- Which explains why my voice may have sounded deep on the radio all those years. I was sick! 

*****

Apple is expected to unveil their newest iPhones on September 12th. 

- And I will unveil my current Flip-Phone to anyone who stops by my house that same day.

*****

The Wall Street Journal apologized to the President of China for Tweeting that their economy is "a chink in his armor". 

- They devoted a whole column to the apology. Actually two... Column A and Column B. 

- A lot of papers would have been too Almond Boneless Chicken to apologize. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

The VMA'S: Not Music To MY Ears!

Lots happened at last night's MTV Video Music Awards - Justin Bieber sang a new song then broke down in tears and Hip-Hop artist Nicky Minaj called scantily-clad host Miley Cyrus a B*&ch. But the big moment came when Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with the VMA Vanguard Award and during his acceptance speech, Kanye announced that.. get ready... HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020! 

- He's hoping Beyonce won't run...since she'd have The Greatest Campaign Of All Time!

*****

And now for the much less important news... 

President Obama went to New Orleans over the weekend to mark the 10th Anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. 

- In a related story, FEMA will mark the 10th Anniversary of their arrival in New Orleans by arriving three weeks from now. 

*****

Donald Trump let a reporter pull on his hair to prove that it's not a toupee. 

- Then The Donald challenged the reporter to pull out some of Megyn Kelly's hair to prove she's not a real blond. 

*****

Indiana University and USC are offering classes on how to take "Selfies" and how they impact society. 

- Yes Mom & Dad... saving all those years so your kid could get a good college education has finally paid off! 

*****

Three top fundraisers bailed on Jeb Bush's campaign because of his lackluster showing in the polls. 

- Along with their resignation letters, they put up a banner reading "Looks Like Mission Not Going To Be Accomplished". 

*****

Ashley Madison CEO Noel Biderman stepped down after news broke that he had used his own site to cheat on his wife. 

- Just another example of a guy who brings his work home with him. 

*****

Jerry Seinfeld's Son's Charity Lemonade Stand was shut down in the Hamptons after someone called the cops. 

- Rumor has it that that "someone" was a chubby former postal employee.  

- Kramer also had a lemonade stand, but didn't make enough. When drivers came by he was forced to say "Im Out!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #170: "From Favorite Foods To The Fab Four"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Poscast #170. Today Jackie and I sit down and discuss a full menu of topics including: 

- A description of some food items taken from the Purtan Family pantry. 

- Robots, Drones & Space Aliens. 

- They behead people but the biggest disgrace for an ISIS jihadist is???

- The first two female US Army Rangers.

- The heroic Rangers at Normandy's Pointe du Hoc during the D-Day invasion.  

- And finally, the Beatles first contract that's up for sale... and Jackie's love for Paul. 

So consider Podcast #170 a gift "From Me To You"... and remember it's available for your listening pleasure "Eight Days A Week" right here @dickpurtan.com.  (25:00)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Horsing Around!

According to Gawker Media, there are only 3 zip codes out of almost 43,000 in the entire U.S. that didn't have Ashley Madison accounts. 

- All three are in Amish Country where they're not allowed to use email. 

*****

The Trump campaign says they ejected Univision anchor Jorge Ramos from a rally because he was "ranting and raving like a madman". 

- That's Donald's job. 

*****

Speaking of The Donald... Former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke says that Trump is the "best of the lot" in this year's election. 

- It seems like just yesterday that Duke announced he was running for President, when he threw his big white hat in the ring. 

*****

A study by the University of Birmingham found that obese adults who drank a pint of plain tap water before every meal, lost almost 10 pounds in 12 weeks. 

- Which is great news for Obese adults everywhere...except for California since they don't have any tap water. 

*****

Joy Behar will re-join the cast of "The View" for it's upcoming 19th season. 

- As if I needed another reason NOT to watch that show. 

*****

MTV will present Kanye West with it's Video Vanguard Award at the VMA's this Sunday. 

- Wouldn't it be great if Beyonce jumped up on stage, grabbed the award and gave it to Taylor Swift?

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast!

-Dick 

"Ticket To Ride...To The Joe!"

Paul McCartney announced that he will play a show at the Joe on October 21st. 

- Now that Paul is in his 70's, songs will include: "You're No Lady, Madonna", "Let It Be...Time For My Pain Meds", and "The Long and Winding Road...Is Even Longer Since I Don't Remember Where You Live". 

*****

According to  a new report, one in ten Americans are NOT saving for retirement at all. 

- If you're one of those people, don't feel bad. The 9 in 10 who WERE saving for retirement lost it all in the stock market plunge on Monday. 

*****

President Obama will head to New Orleans on Friday to mark the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. 

- And FEMA will show up a few weeks later.

*****

The financial unrest is China has caused major problems not only here in the States but obviously in their own country as well.

- For instance, tens of thousand of Chinese 5 year olds will be doing the unthinkable... going to kindergarten instead of work. 

*****

A Yahoo News study found that parents who share childcare responsibilities have better sex lives. 

- They also listed "diaper changing" and "cutting orange slices" as foreplay. 

*****

North and South Korea are reportedly organizing a joint marathon. 

- The date for the event hasn't been set, but Kim Jong Un has already been declared the winner..running 26.2 miles in just under 5 minutes. 

*****

Officials at the Washington National Zoo confirmed that Mei Xiang, the panda, gave birth to Twins on Saturday. 

- The panda Father says he's thrilled...and apologizes for being "outed" last week on AshleyMadison.com. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Biden His Time?

Joe Biden met with Elizabeth Warren on Saturday to gauge her interest in being his running mate in 2016. 

- Their campaign slogan will be “Biden-Warren…Just in Case Hillary’s in the Slammer”. 

*****

On Friday, the FDA formally approved the first ever “female Viagra” pill. 

- Married men are thrilled to have a cheap alternative to remodeling the kitchen. 

*****

A survey by CareerCast.Com found that surgeons have the highest paying jobs. 

- And if they have to take a pay cut, it’s very precise and barely leaves a scar.  

*****

On his upcoming trip, the Pope says he wants to enter the U.S. by crossing the Mexican border. 

- Why not? Everyone else is. 

- Donald Trump says that if elected President, he'll perform a real miracle and get people to go the other way. 

***** 

A New Jersey woman says that Frankie Valli had sex with her when he was an adult and she was just 16.

- He’s lucky… She kneed him in the groin and permanently changed him from a baritone to a soprano. 

- To his credit, she says he did keep insisting “I…Love…You…Baaaabbbby!”

*****

An Ashley Madison spokesperson assured users that there are no other breaches on their servers. 

- There aren't very many “britches” on their clients either. 

- A new site has been launched that guarantees complete security. Just go to ClintonAndCosby.com. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #169: "Startling Scandals & Other Stuff"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #169. This go-around daughter #3, Jill, joins daughter #2, Jackie, and me around the Purtan family dining room table for a variety of topics including: 

- Two major scandals: The Ashley Madison Website Hack & the shocking truth behind Jared "The Subway Guy". 

- The discovery of the "Weight Gene" that may be responsible for obesity. 

- The dangers of "heading" the ball in soccer. (At any age)

- The recent passing of television's "Batgirl". 

- My favorite website... Wikipedia. 

- The smartest way to be successful at getting ALL of the Jeopardy "Answers" right. 

- Humidity. (Enough said)

- And the unfortunate return of 70's style pants. 

So slap on some almost-end-of-the-summer sunscreen and soak up Podcast #169. (22:14) We won't reveal your name or credit card info...I promise! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog.

-Dick

Think Pink!

Women across America are celebrating the FDA's approval of the so-called "Pink Viagra" - the first ever drug to improve women's sex drive. 

- Unless you count the illegal stuff that Bill Cosby likes to put in women's drinks. 

*****

The IT company that maintained Hillary Clinton's private email server operated out of a loft apartment and kept the server in a bathroom closet. 

- Which makes perfect sense to me... It's so much easier to scrub a hard drive clean when it's right near the bathtub. 

*****

The winner of the World Yo-Yo Contest held in Japan this week is none other than 20-year old Jake Elliot from Milford. 

- We tried to reach Jake for a comment but his Dad said he was busy Walking the Dog. 

- His Dad added that he and Yo-Yo's Ma were very proud. 

*****

Hackers broke into the Ashley Madison dating site for married people looking to have an affair and posted personal information about tens of thousands of "clients" including names and sexual preferences. 

- Women haven't torn through anything this fast since "Fifty Shades of Grey". 

- Bill Clinton is hoping that nobody will pick up on his username "Former-Commander-in-Briefs".

*****

Yvonne Craig, who played Batgirl on the Batman TV series, has died suddenly at the age of 78. 

- It happened so fast, Commissioner Gordon didn't even have time to flash the Bat Signal. 

- Her eulogy was going to be delivered by The Joker, but The Penguin looks so much better in a tux.

*****

A new report says that American marijuana businesses are are having a hard time finding workers. 

- Apparently, when the workers go out for their "smoke break" they end up wandering off to find a party-size bag of Doritos. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast!

-Dick 

A study at the THE Ohio State University found that fighting with your spouse can lead to obesity. 

- I agree with that. It's something I learned by watching the Jerry Springer Show. 

*****

A new report claims that AT&T helped the NSA spy on your internet chats. 

- It was part of their "Reach Out And Spy On Someone" program. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Shared Data".

*****

Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison this Friday. (He ONLY served 10 months).

- NOTE TO WOMEN: If he invites you over to his place, don't use the bathroom!

*****

Hillary Clinton's spokesperson announced that Hillary will appear on the Ellen DeGeneres show because they share similar views. 

- Plus, Ellen loves to dance and Hillary's been dancing around the e-mail deal for months now. 

*****

Donald Trump told New York Magazine that Heidi Klum is no longer a "10". 

- Heidi responded that "The Donald" is still a "zero". 

*****

Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell said he believes aliens visited earth to prevent a nuclear war between Russia and the U.S. 

- If that's true, I'd like to invite them back and let them loose on ISIS. 

*****

Darrell Hammond is out...and Norm MacDonald is in as the spokesperson for KFC. 

- Norm says he's thrilled and that working for KFC has alway been on his Bucket List. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

You May Turn Your Nose Up At This...

The website RoadSnacks.net released a list of the "10 Snobbiest Places in Michigan". Here are the results from 10 to 1:

10. Saline

9. Okemos

8. Novi

7. Troy

6. Petoskey

5. Traverse City

4. Royal Oak

3. Plymouth

2. Rochester

And the Snobbiest place in Michigan... Northville. 

- Is it just me or did someone forget Birmingham...or Melvindale...or Flint???

*****

Donald Trump reported for jury duty in New York City yesterday. 

- He told the judge he would not vote in any trial unless he was elected Foreman.  

*****

Disney announced that a new Star Wars-themed land is coming to Disney World. 

- They could save a lot of money by just making Yoda the 8th Dwarf. 

- I can't wait to hear Darth Vader say "Mickey Mouse...I am your father". 

- They came up with the concept a long time ago...in a galaxy far, far away. 

*****

China unveiled a sculpture that's identical to Chicago's famous sculpture, The Bean. 

- But the Chinese version comes in a giant White Carton and is covered with the Chef's Special Sauce. 

*****

A new study shows that women who work more than forty hours a week struggle to get pregnant. 

- A related study found that women who work more than forty hours a week trying to get pregnant are happy, but exhausted. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Reality Bites...

I read a story about sharks the other day…it turns out there are more than 500 species - an incredibly diverse cast of characters lumped into 35 families.

- 37 if you include the Bernsteins and the Fiegers.

*****

President Obama released his daytime/nighttime musical playlist on Spotify.  Among his favorites is "Wang Dang Doodle" by Howlin' Wolf. 

- He didn't even know that song until Bill Clinton released His playlist last month. 

*****

New York City was named the most unfriendly city by Travel and Leisure Magazine. 

- New Yorker’s responded with “Up Yours!"

*****

Rolling Stone magazine has named Bob Dylan as the "Greatest Songwriter Of All Time". 

- Song WRITER not Song SINGER. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #168: "We're Back At Podcast Central!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #168... our first "Podisode" since getting back from our summer vacation. Jackie and I talk about how we spent our time off, and a myriad of other topics including: 

- Tarantulas, Grass Hoppers and a Preying Mantis...oh my!

- Famous actresses caught shop lifting.

- Since we recorded this podcast on August 14th, the 20th anniversary of the last day of WWII we talk about why it took 2 Atomic Bombs to get Japan to Surrender. 

- The person who I think would be a great President. 

- Why rapper "Lil B The Space God" stopped endorsing Hillary.  

- Little House On The Prairie star Melissa Gilbert running for Congress in Michigan. 

- And the REAL reason China devalued their currency. 

It's the Dog Days of August...so catch a Frisbee in your teeth and tune in to Podcast #168! (21:37).

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Time To Put Your Top Down!

The 21st Annual Dream Cruise is coming up this Saturday on Woodward Avenue. A number of people I've run into the last week or so have asked if I'll be going to the Big Event, and I tell  them that after doing 14 Cruises in a row, I'm literally "Exhausted". (Cough...cough). I'll just stay home and watch my daughter, JoAnne, on the Channel 7 news coverage!

*****

We've got the Dream Cruise, and in San Francisco, that "glamorous" City by the Bay, vagrancy has gotten so bad that the city has painted nine walls with a repellant paint that makes pee spray back on the offender's clothes and shoes.

- So if you're headed to SF for vacation, Urine for a big surprise. 

*****

The big financial story is that China has devalued it's currency, the Yuan, again. 

- Like any good American I'm wondering how this will effect the price of my favorite Sweet 'n Sour Chicken at the China Cafe. 

- China made the change after adding up the numbers in Column A and Column B.  

*****

A study by World Lifestyle named Cheetos the worst snack for people trying to eat healthy. 

- But it's the best snack for people who want orange fingers.

- Phew. I was afraid I was going to have to give up Fried Pork Rinds. 

*****

Sources are saying that FOX News president Roger Ailes has sided with Donald Trump over Megyn Kelly in their recent debate dispute. 

- It was a tough decision for him because their both blondes. 

*****

The hot showbiz rumor is that the Spice Girls are planning a 20 year reunion tour. 

- The songs will be the same, but this time around Baby Spice will be known as Old Spice. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here with a brand new Podcast on Friday! 

-Dick 

Little House of Representatives On The Prairie?

Little House on the Prairie star Melissa Gilbert is running for Congress in Michigan's 8th District. 

- She says she feels confident she can beat her rival, Nellie Oleson. 

*****

Bars in London are now serving "Breathable Alcohol" in which you soak up booze through your skin and eyes. 

- In America we call that, "Hanging out with Lindsay Lohan". 

- It's for people who are just too darn lazy to actually pick up a glass. 

*****

The National Nurses Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders. 

- Meanwhile the National Chicken Lovers Union has endorsed Colonel Sanders. 

*****

A Drexel University survey found that 88% of adults have sexted. 

- The other 12% still have rotary dial phones. 

*****

Japan has invented personal vehicles that can fold up so small they can fit in people's pockets. 

- So now you'll not only forget where you put your keys, you'll forget where you put your car. 

*****

Hillary Clinton unveiled her $350 Billion college affordability plan on Monday. 

- She'll reveal the details in a $300,000 speech she's giving at Harvard next week. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick 

The Donald and Megyn: Things Are Gettin' Hairy

Donald Trump says that he's the one who deserves an apology after his nasty exchange with Fox News debate host Megyn Kelly. 

- The Donald insisted that if Megyn doesn't apologize "there's going to be hell toupee". 

*****

Astronomers have spotted a mysterious woman-like shape on the planet Mars. 

- They knew it was true when they spotted Bill Cosby offering her a drink. 

- I thought Women were from Mars and Men were from Venus. 

*****

A new survey found that 75% of millennials plan on buying a home someday. 

- The other 25% assume they'll inherit the one they're living in now. 

*****

Cuba is building 4 new cruise ships in anticipation of the increased tourism between the US and Cuba. 

- To make people leaving Cuba feel at home, the massive boats will be shaped like '57 Chevys.

***** 

Kris Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner were seen together at a grocery store in Los Angeles. 

- They both stocked up on the staples...Milk, Bread and Miss Clairol hair color. 

- Caitlyn also bought some "Secret" deodorant because "It's Strong Enough For a Man, But Made For a Woman". 

*****

Target has announced they will no longer label their departments by gender. 

- So now if your looking for pantyhose at Target, you're on your own. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

I hope you've been having a great "summer" (if you can call it that!) Jackie and I are back from our break, rested and ready to roll. But before we dive into the news of the day, I thought I'd take a minute to catch you up on my time off, kind of like the kids do when they head back to school. With that said, here's a short essay: 

What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Dickie P. 

I had a great time on my vacation. First of all, I slept in and then had breakfast while watching cartoons. (I think Spongebob and Patrick might be more than just "friends".)

One day, I opened a lemonade stand at the bottom of my driveway. Lot's of cars drove by, but no one stopped until I changed the sign to read: "Lemonade & Vodka". After that, business really picked up. 

One weekend I went to Cedar Point! It was a blast! I got on "The Raptor" and pulled a muscle in my shoulder putting on the seat belt. I asked the teenager running the ride to let me off, then put a note in the suggestion box. It said: "Please change the sign from "You must be 54 inches to ride the Raptor" to "You must be under 30 years old to ride the Raptor". 

I saw a lot of people there wearing T-Shirts like "I Used To Be With Stupid. Now I'm with an Idiot!" and "I'm the Best Ride at Cedar Point". 

I was disappointed that they didn't have Salmon flavored funnel cakes, but other than that it was an awesome trip! 

I also went to sleepaway camp, but got homesick and called my mom, uh, my wife, to pick me up after one day. 

I did a lot of other stuff too, but I really don't remember. 

All in all, it was an excellent summer vacation. 

-Dickie P. 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

It's Vacation Time!

Hi guys (can you still say "guys" for everybody?) 

I've made the executive decision to give Jackie and myself a few weeks off from the Blog, Facebook and Podcasting! Let's face it, Summer only rolls around once a year and here in Michigan we never know how long it's gonna last! 

Back when we run out of sunscreen... And if you see a guy roaming around town in black socks and sandals - it'll probably be me...

Have fun!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #167: "A Family Affair"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the 4th of July Weekend and Podcast #167! Gather 'round the Purtan Dining Room Table for a Red, White, & Blue discussion on topics including:  

- What Julie's 3 year old son Brayden had to do to earn a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. 

- The time actor Victor Mature called and basically hit on my wife Gail. 

- The growing trend among women to let their arm pit hair grow. 

- The "Best Lead Band Singer of All Time"...and a few of the WORST songs of all time. 

- My being kicked out of the studio at CKLW and why. 

- And a recent exorcism by the Vatican and some Catholic Priests...of the entire country of Mexico. 

So before you light up your sparklers and run around the backyard, take a few minutes to fire up Podcast #167. There may even be a few "oohs" and "ahhs". 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

LOL!

Yesterday was International Joke Day. 

- To honor the event, a Priest, a Rabbi and a German Shepherd walked into a bar...

*****

Western Europe is experiencing an historic heatwave - with temps reaching up to 111 degrees Fahrenheit. 

- It's so hot, the French aren't even giving American tourists the cold shoulder. 

*****

In the wake of what many consider Donald Trump's anti-Mexican comments, Macy's will no longer carry his clothing line. 

- But his Ego will still be the most inflated float in their annual Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

*****

TV Land will no longer show re-runs of "The Dukes of Hazzard" because execs claim the show glorifies the Confederate Flag. 

- They also announced that they'll pull re-runs of "Joanie Loves Chachi" because it glorifies stupidity. 

*****

3,000 of Hillary Clinton's private emails from when she was Secretary of State were released, including ones where she emailed staff members to get her iced tea when she was thirsty. 

- Unlike Bill, who used his email to ask staffers to bring him an intern when he was randy. 

*****

A new study found that the majority of Americans suffer from "Digital Amnesia" - relying on smartphones and other devices to "remember" things for them. 91% said they use the Internet as "an extension of their brain". 

- I'll have more on this story after I Google it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick