Happy Birthday James!!!

Happy Birthday to James "The Walking Man" Robertson who turns 57 today. James is doing great, and in honor of his birthday, Jackie is helping him celebrate by doing one of his favorite things...taking him to the Tiger Game! Go Tigs and Go James! 

- James is only person I know who thinks the most exciting play in baseball is "the walk". 

*****

A study by the Population Institute found that 25% of Japanese men above the age of 30 are virgins. 

- It's hard to get a date when you've been working 80 hours a week since kindergarten. 

- They could really reduce that number if they could just get Madonna to play some concert dates in Tokyo. 

*****

Dunkin' Donuts announced that they're testing out home delivery service. 

- So if you're looking for a cop, just stop by his house. 

*****

Hollywood sources say that Mr. T is coming out with a home improvement show. 

- It's tentatively titled: "I Pity The Tool". 

*****

NBC sources say that Brian Williams is "despondent" because the advance word is, the network is not going to give him his anchor job back. 

- Insiders say he hasn't been this traumatized since he narrowly escaped death when the Hindenburg went down. 

*****

Donald Trump says that his upcoming announcement about whether he's running for President will make a lot of people happy. 

- So I guess we can safely assume he's NOT running. 

*****

Miley Cyrus posed naked with a pig in her latest Instagram pic. 

- It's was a PR stunt for her new line of processed meat snacks "Pork Twerky". 

Miley also says she doesn't identify herself as a boy or a girl, and "is open to any consensual sexual behavior as long as it doesn't involve animals". 

- Cats and Dogs everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

TMI?

As part of a it's new "Reproductive Health" feature, iPhones users will soon be able to keep track of how often, when and how they have sex.

- This replaces the old technology known as "bragging to your friends about it". 

*****

Former First Lady Barbara Bush celebrated her 90th Birthday yesterday with the whole family gathered at Kennebunkport. 

- Things went great until one of the great-grandkids asked, "Who invited George Washington to the party?"

*****

Tomorrow is James "The Walkin' Man" Robertson's Birthday. 

- In honor of James, I'm listening to Fat's Domino's "I'm Walkin'" right now!

*****

An FDA Advisory panel has officially backed a new "Viagra for Women" pill, clearing the way for full approval in August.  

- Caitlyn Jenner immediately tweeted "It's About Time!" #girlsjustwannahavefun.

*****

Jerry Seinfeld says he doesn't play college campuses because kids are too "Politically Correct" and "don't know what the F#%& they're talking about". 

- Jerry was angry that day, my friends. 

- Apparently he thinks college kids suffer from "brain shrinkage".  

- When colleges offer him gigs, he responds "No Jokes for You!"

*****

A Florida principal is under fire for plagiarizing a graduation speech. 

- People became suspicious when he told the grads, "Ask not what your college can do for you...but what you can do for your college"...and then vowed that we would make it to the Moon by 2020. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

I Dough! I Dough! I Dough!

A study by Knot.com found that the average American wedding now costs $31,000. 

- That's cheap compared to the Divorce!

*****

The President spoke at the Biden funeral Saturday. 

- They wanted Hillary...but they couldn't afford her speaking fee. 

*****

American Pharaoh made history on Saturday when he became the first horse to win the Triple Crown in 37 years. His trainer says his reward will be "getting to have sex with 200 mare's a year". 

- It's very similar to the signing bonuses offered to NBA players. 

*****

Two convicted murderers escaped a maximum-security prison in New York on Friday by using power tools to carve a tunnel. 

- It's being called "The Electric Saw-Shank Redemption". 

*****

In the middle of California's ever worsening drought, the state's Governor, Jerry Brown, announced that he's showering less often. 

- And in a show of solidarity, Woody Harrelson announced that he will continue his policy of not showering at all. 

*****

Indiana's first official Church of Cannabis held it's first masses this weekend. 

- Afterwards, everyone gathered in the Social Hall for a Pot Luck dinner.  

*****

The residents of a street in Austin, Texas are thinking of changing the street name from "Bruce Jenner Lane" to something else. 

- They're also considering putting in a U-Turn lane. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #163: "Change You Can Believe In???"

Clearly Photoshopped Photo Courtesy of Dave Jankowski

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #163! Join former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune, Jackie and me (???) as we "transition" from topic to topic including: 

- What Mrs. Bruce Jenner (Kris) had to say about her ex-husband marrying her in the first place. 

- Bruce Jenner vs. Caitlyn Jenner's gigantic "speaking fee" increase. 

- Should the International Olympic Committee strip Bruce/Caitlyn of His/Her Olympic Gold?  

- Does OSU have an advantage in Football recruiting over UofM and MSU? 

- Coming soon...a sequel of "National Lampoon's Vacation" with Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo as the Grandparents. No word as to who's going to play "Cousin Ed". 

- The one Golden Rule the character voices on my radio show HAD to follow. 

- And of all the "Purtan's Person's"... ironically... who was the most difficult for me to motivate? 

So while you're trying to erase that picture of me from your mind... why not slip into something comfortable and tune in to Podcast #163?   (37:05) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick 

P.S. A special thanks... (I think)... to my good friend and graphic artist Dave Jankowski for making me a "Cover Girl"! 

Clint Back In The Swim Of Things!

Clint Eastwood is not only directing a movie about "Sully" Sullenberger, the hero pilot who safely landed that U.S. Airways flight in the middle of the Hudson River, but also wrote some of the dialogue. 

- So look for the part where Sully goes on the plane's PA system and asks the passengers, "Are you feeling lucky, Punks?". 

*****

Taco Bell announced that they will begin serving beer and wine at some of their locations. 

- I guess they figure the people who eat Taco Bell just aren't drunk enough. 

*****

U of M's Women's Softball Team lost to Florida last night, 4 to 1, losing the Women's College World Series Championship. 

- The team would have called the Tigers for pre-game advice...but then they remembered that the Tigs had lost 5 in a row. (Now 6!)

*****

For the first time in her 56-year history, Barbie can now wear both heels and flats - opening up her footwear possibilities.

- The same thing happened to Bruce Jenner earlier this week. 

*****

A BBC reporter is in trouble for Tweeting that Queen Elizabeth had died. 

- But he's in way less trouble than Prince Charles who immediately tweeted "FINALLY!" #WhoDaKing?I'mDaKing!

*****

Comedian Jeffrey Ross says that Martha Stewart smoked weed after filming the "Justin Bieber Roast". 

- Martha admitted it's true...but says she grew the pot in her kitchen window herb garden, mixed it with a touch of basil and fresh parsley, then rolled it in handmade parchment paper. 

*****

Last night on "Jeopardy" Alex Trebek read the clue:  “Here she is at her confirmation hearing to be our nation’s top cop", while showing a pic of the new US Attorney General. Not one of the 3 contestants clicked in to even attempt a guess.

- Proving that even some of the smartest people in the country have no idea what's going on with the U.S. Government. 

FYI: When time ran out, Trebek was forced to disclose, “And that is Loretta Lynch.”

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand spanking new Podcast! 

-Dick

"The Girls of Summer!"

Good luck to the UofM Women's Softball Team in tonight's Winner-Take-All Title Game against Florida for the Women's College World Series Championship! 

*****

NSA Whistle Blower Edward Snowden says it was worth it to become an International fugitive, never able to see his family again, and forced to live in Russia. 

- He claims it was important for Americans to realize the US government was spying on them...plus he now gets to go on shirtless horseback rides with Vladimir Putin. 

*****

FDA Scientists are considering a new pill that claims to be "Viagra for Women". 

- Talk about a bunch of Stand Up guys! 

- Now if they can just figure out a comfortable way for women to swallow expensive jewelry. 

*****

A Pew poll found that 61% of Millennials get their political news from Facebook. 

- Facebook is also the place they turn for important developments in where their fake friends are having dinner.   

*****

An internal study by the Department of Homeland Security found that the TSA failed to spot weapons being sneaked onto planes 95% of the time. 

- On a happy note, TSA workers reported "immensely enjoying" invasive pat downs 100% of the time. 

*****

A new brand of liquor is hitting shelves this week that's said to be inspired by the lives of porn stars. 

- Offerings include: "Absolut Tramp" and "No Wonder Jim's Beaming". 

*****

According to scientists...Chimpanzees can understand the concept of cooking and are willing to postpone eating raw food, even carrying it a distance to cook it rather than eat it immediately.

- So yes it's official ladies, Chimpanzees are more civilized than your boyfriend. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Decatha-Lingerie!

The newly debuted "Caitlyn" Jenner set a new Twitter record by getting one million Twitter followers in just 4 hours and 3 minutes Monday.  

Meanwhile, over 10 million tweets were written about "Caitlyn's" step-daughter Kim Kardashian's announcement that she and Kanye are expecting baby #2. 

- The most exciting part to me is that Caitlyn's gonna be a Grandma! 

- I'll be honest...and this point I'm finding it really hard to "Keep Up With The Kardashians". 

 ****

Google is teaming up with Levi's to make computerized pants that would work like a touch screen phone. 

- Let's hope the camera faces out. 

- So now you'll be able to butt-dial your friends intentionally. 

- These pants are perfect for people who are too lazy to take the Smartphone out of their pocket to make a call.  

*****

A new survey found that 53% of college graduates admitted to stealing stories about their friends and claiming they happened to them. 

- It's called the "Brian Williams Effect". 

*****

Wall Street analysts say that Disney's profits are going to spike by 50% in the next three years. 

- Which in laymen's terms mean you'll soon be paying 50% more to take a spin on "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride". 

- At this point, Disney is going to have to add an Eighth Dwarf: Greedy. 

*****

A Virginia high school teacher was suspended for showing students pictures of her new boob job. 

- In her defense, it was "Show and Tell" day. 

- Nothing's fair in life...She gets fired for showing off her new boobs, and Caitlyn Jenner lands the cover of Vanity Fair. 

*****

Producers of "Britain's Got Talent" and the dog trainer who won the competition are coming under fire after a doggie "double" was used to perform a tightrope-walking sequence in Sunday night's live finale.

- Still, the performance was Spot On! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #162: "Now THAT'S A Mouthful!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #162! This week my wife Gail, Jackie and I sit down for a discussion of the "F-word"... and that word is "Food". On the menu: 

- Snack items we always make sure to have on hand at our house. 

- Do raisins have tiny little hairs? (We do an experiment to find out).

- The 5 letter word that seems to be the key if you want to live to be 100. 

- What are "Nonpareils" anyway?

- And some Dairy Queen treats...including my favorite Berry Pomegranate Smoothie. It's no Peanut Buster Parfait...but (I Hope!) it's a little bit healthier. 

So grab your favorite snack and get a taste of Podcast #162!  (It's fat and calorie free!) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog.

-Dick

Deja Vu All Over Again!

In an interview with the UK's Daily Mail, Paula Jones - yes, THAT Paula Jones - said: "Don't let Bill back in the White House". 

- Bill responded by saying "Paula should keep her nose out of my business". 

*****

Taylor Swift became the youngest woman to ever make the Forbes List of the World's Most Powerful Women. 

- In a related story, Forbes named Bruce Jenner "The World's NEWEST Woman". 

*****

A Kenyan lawyer is offering President Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats if he can marry the Prez's daughter Malia. 

- The President declined, but said for just two goats he'd be willing to give the guy Joe Biden. 

*****

A Gallup survey found that 32.2% of the people in Mississippi are obese, making it the most obese state in the Nation. 

- That because all the food in Mississippi is M-I-S-S...I-S-S...I-P-P-FRIED.

- Alabama has demanded a recount. 

*****

According to a new study, drinking more than five espressos a day may be damaging to your health. 

- And you'll be awake all night worrying about it. 

*****

A Brazilian man was caught on video having sex with the tail pipe of his car. 

- At least he didn't do it while the car was running. 

- Kind of makes the usual "backseat" thing sound pretty tame. 

*****

"San Andreas" the new movie about a massive earthquake that decimates California opens nationwide tomorrow. One reviewer called it  "A Feel-Good Disaster Movie". 

- So if you're planning on seeing just one Feel-Good Disaster Movie this summer...make sure it's this one!

- This is the same guy who called "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" "A bloodbath horror flick with a heart!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

Hillary Will Sell You The Shirt Off Her Back...

Hillary Clinton has launched an online apparel shop that sells clothing with her campaign logo on it. So far the top seller is a tee shirt that looks like a pantsuit. 

- And just like Bill, the t-shirt doesn't come with pants. 

*****

Psychologists say that many people who consistently post "happy" pics and status updates about their romantic life are actually insecure, and want the world to know that their partner is "taken". 

- And people who consistently post pictures of their cats inadvertently let the world know that they haven't had a romantic relationship since the mid '80's. 

*****

Taco Bell and Pizza Hut announced that they're getting rid of the artificial ingredients in their foods. 

- So basically their menus will now consist of "Bottled Water". 

*****

Malaysian Airlines announced that they'll be changing their name next week. 

- They we're going to do it this week, but the piece of paper with the new name on it disappeared. 

- CNN will have live coverage of the name change announcement. 24 hours a day. For the next six months. 

*****

Art Garfunkel told an interviewer that Paul Simon "was a jerk" for splitting up the duo at the height of their popularity. 

- Apparently Art hasn't quite crossed that Bridge over Troubled Water. 

- He said he became suspicious when he saw "Paul and Julio down by the school yard". 

- He said he should have known when Paul wanted to call one of their hits, "50 Ways To Leave Your Duo". 

*****

The Olsen twins announced that they will NOT star in the updated version of "Full House" called "Fuller House". 

- I know...I'm crying too. 

*****

Tom Brady's appeal of his four game suspension has been postponed to give him more time to prepare. 

- Between practice, being married to Giselle Bundchen and this legal stuff, Tom's got a lot of balls in the air. They're under inflated, but they're in the air. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Intelligence In "Jeopardy"?

A contestant brought the house down during "Final Jeopardy" last night. When given the "Answer": "A Christian Hymn and Jewish Holiday Hymn are both titled this, also the name of a 2009 Tony nominated musical", instead of coming up with the correct response, "Rock of Ages", he wrote down "What is Kinky Boots?"  "Kinky Boots" is a Broadway musical written by Cyndi Lauper about a shoemaker and a drag queen. 

- This proves I ain't as dumb as I think i are!

*****

In a new interview, Pope Francis admits that he hasn't watched TV since 1990, thinks people care too much about their pets, and likes being around people so much that he would "make a lousy monk". 

- Is it just me or does in sound like that would be the Pope's online dating profile? 

*****

A new study says that drinking coffee may help prevent erectile dysfunction. 

- So if the lines are extra long at Starbucks today, now you know why. 

- This is not what I thought they meant when they said too much coffee can keep you up all night. 

- No wonder Mrs. Folger was always smiling. 

*****

Scientists in Kenya found a set of stone tools dating back 3.3 million years. 

- They were found inside the ruins of building with a sign reading "Cave Depot". 

*****

The Rolling Stones kicked off yet another summer tour in San Diego over the weekend. 

- It's being billed as the "Lipi-Tour". 

- The concert was over by 8pm because most of the audience members aren't allowed to drive after dark.  

*****

Chelsea Clinton has been given a $1 Million dollar advance to write a children's book. 

- Hillary wrote her the nicest "Congratulations" email! Or so we're told. We won't be able to read it until 2016. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow...Wednesday!

-Dick

Memorial Day 2015

For a dozen years following the attacks on 9/11, as we approached Memorial Day, I would read a poem on the air called "The Inscription". 

It was sent to me by an Ohio listener named Paul Reside and was written by Paul's Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, who composed it in 1932. 

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier, and was published by the Perry County Ohio newspaper on what was then called "Decoration Day". 

On this Memorial Day, as we remember those who have given their lives in the cause of Freedom, I hope you will enjoy my reading of the poem from the radio show, which you can hear by clicking on the link below. 

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones  (1:52)

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

P.S. Here are three songs that I find appropriate to play today… 

Stars and Stripes Forever

Whitney Houston - Star Spangled Banner

Ray Charles - America The Beautiful 

Purtan Podcast #161: "Goodbye Dave... Hello Summer!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Memorial Day Weekend and Podcast #161. Join Jackie and me as we usher in the unofficial start of summer with a conversation including:

- David Letterman's last show and the real reasons he retired.

- The person who was the true inspiration for Letterman's style (and it wasn't Johnny Carson).

- Why Letterman didn't get the "Tonight Show" and why Leno did. 

- The night that Letterman lost the ratings war to Leno, when Jay asked a celeb a game-changing 4 word question.  

- The time that Jackie's ex was convinced that Letterman was hitting on her when they went to a taping of the show.  

- My favorite cable channels on TV.

- My favorite American Flag to fly on Memorial Day and what it once flew over. 

And finally...

- My memories as a kid of Memorial Day parades in my hometown passing right in front of my house.

So take some time out of your long weekend for a short listen to Podcast #161! (31:26)

And don't forget to Remember what Memorial Day is really all about... Honoring the brave men and women who gave their lives so that we could live ours in Freedom. 

Have a great, safe weekend! 

-Dick 

"The LAST Show With David Letterman"

Today's the day... After 30 years, David Letterman will host his last "Late Show" tonight. No word on who his final guests will be, but some TV critics are hoping that long time rival Jay Leno will make an appearance. 

-  I'm pretty sure we can all come up with a "Top Ten List" of reasons THAT'S not gonna happen.

(My new Podcast...going up this weekend...will delve into the whole Leno/Letterman controversy with special guest Tom DeLisle, who worked on the "Tonight Show".)

*****

President Obama got his own Twitter account yesterday. 

- Now I won't have to look up his golf scores on the internet! 

*****

A new study determined that boys who smoke marijuana before puberty grow up to be 4 inches shorter than boys who don't. 

- So I guess we know what Kim Jong Un was doing during recess at Elementary school. (Aside from shooting toy missiles at fellow classmates). 

*****

Apple is denying rumors that it has plans to make a hi-def TV. 

- Apparently somebody at Apple figured out that strapping a 65 inch TV on your wrist would be a little cumbersome. 

*****

Rumer Willis took home the Mirrored Ball Trophy on "Dancing With the Stars" last night, bringing her parents Bruce Willis and Demi Moore to tears. 

- Bruce was crying about his daughter winning...Demi was still crying about getting dumped by Ashton Kutcher. 

*****

Disney World is banning "Selfie Sticks" that allow you to hold the camera farther away from yourself from all the rides at their park. 

- With the exception of "Mickey's Magical Super Duper Selfie Stick" available at kiosks around the park for just $59.99!

*****

A West Virginia school teacher has come under fire for allowing her high school class to watch "Fifty Shades of Grey" as a reward for good behavior. She claims she had no idea what the movie was about. 

- They knew she was lying when her face turned Fifty Shades of Red. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"Man...Do I Look HOT!"

A survey found that men check themselves out in mirrors 23 times a day, compared to just 16 times for women. 

- So if my math is right, Bruce Jenner will look in the mirror 19.5 times today. 

*****

Michelle Obama revealed that Secret Service agents recently taught 16 year old Malia Obama how to drive. 

- The agents said she's such a good driver, they didn't even spill their drinks! 

*****

Saudi Arabia announced that they are looking to hire eight "sword executioners". 

- They'll be assigned to the Saudi HR Department. 

*****

"The Who" guitarist and song-writer Pete Townshend turns the big 7-O today. 

- He celebrating with a new album featuring the songs, "Who are you? And What Are You Doing On My Lawn?", "The Grandkids Are Alright",  "I Can't See For Miles Anymore", and "My Generation...Now Smokes Pot For Medical Reasons".  

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow told Women's Health magazine that her sex life is the reason she looks so healthy. 

- And people who have sex with Madonna look healthy because of Antibiotics. 

*****

Ireland is considering legalizing same sex marriages. 

- Let's face it...as long as there's an open bar, they don't care whose gettin' married. 

*****

The entire graduate class at USC's art school has dropped out in protest of faculty changes. 

- But if those kids don't get their Art Degree how are they possibly going to support themselves??? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Pharaoh Rules!

American Pharaoh won the Preakness and is now one win away from horse racing's Triple Crown - something that hasn't happened in almost 40 years. 

- Pharaoh stands a better chance of being crowned than Prince Charles does. 

*****

A group of US Commandos killed a senior ISIS leader and captured his wife Saturday night. 

- She's just glad that she'll finally be allowed to watch "The Real Cave-wives of Islamabad". 

***** 

Federal authorities say a cyber-hacker was able to take control of commercial jets on 15 different occasions by hacking into their in-flight entertainment systems. 

- Meanwhile I still can't figure out how to send an email without calling one of my daughters. 

*****

Bill Cosby gave a bizarre interview to "Nightline" on Saturday night during which he babbled incoherently. 

- Sounds like somebody accidentally grabbed the wrong drink off the table. 

*****

A study by BeUnique.com found that teenage girls spend 5 hours a week taking selfies. 

- They spend the other 163 hours of the week tweeting and posting the pics on Instagram. 

*****

Taylor Swift was the big winner at last night's Billboard Music Awards, taking home 8 trophies. 

- And three new boyfriends. 

Meanwhile Kanye West baffled the audience by performing a medley of his hits with so many pyrotechnics that you 1) could barely see him and 2) censors bleeped out so many of the lyrics you could barely hear him. 

- So all in all, it was a great performance. 

*****

Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during an ice hockey exhibition on Saturday. 

- What makes it really impressive is that he did it shirtless, while riding a horse. 

*****

A Nigerian restaurant was closed down for serving human flesh. 

- So next time you're at a restaurant in Nigeria and they offer a hamburger made from "Ground Chuck"... take them at their word. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #160: "Jackie Almost Gives Me An 'Art' Attack"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #160... In my latest audio offering I welcome Daughter #1 Jennifer to the table along with my regular Podcasting Partner in Crime, Jackie (aka Daughter #2) Topics include: 

- Kim Jong Un and his unique way of "retiring" his Military Advisors. 

- If you need hearing aids...the BEST reason to wear them. 

- Tom Brady: Guilty or Not? 

- The newly named Gordie Howe Memorial Bridge. 

- Why we're not supposed to wash raw chicken or turkey anymore. 

- I prove once again that I am a technical moron. 

- CBS canceling "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" after 11 seasons, the genius "behind the scenes" of that show, and how he kept the overworked stars happy. 

- Plus...Jackie's piece of "Sculpture" (and I use that term loosely) that she made in elementary school and why it's still in our curio cabinet. 

So give in to your curio-osity and tune in to Podcast #160!  (49:57)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Kim Jong Un-Believable!

Kim Jong Un is at it again... He ordered the North Korean Defense Minister killed with an anti-aircraft missile. Why? Because the man fell asleep while Kim was speaking at a meeting. 

- He picked up this idea from the Radio business, where when you fall asleep during company meetings, they threaten to Fire you - but not Fire AT you. Kim just took it a step further. 

*****

President Obama announced that his Presidential Library will be located in the South Side of Chicago. 

- "But if you go down there, you better just beware, of a man named LeRoy Brown". 

- The Library is expected to attract thousands of visitors...but still not as many as the "Adult Section" of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library in Arkansas. 

*****

Starbucks announced that they're going to be selling mini Frappuccinos between now and July 6th. 

- It's perfect for people who want to cut down on Caffeine but still spend a ridiculous amount of money. 

- Is it just me or does "Mini Frappuccino" sound like a short, Italian rapper? 

*****

Lindsay Lohan failed to show up at a Brooklyn Children's Center where she was scheduled to fufill her community service. 

- So now the little kids are going to have to figure out how to spike their juice boxes all by themselves. 

*****

Google has admitted that four of their computerized "self-driving" cars have crashed in the past 9 months. 

- Thus breaking the previous record held by Billy Joel. 

*****

Kanye West received an honorary PhD from the Art Institute of Chicago.

- His wife Kim Kardashian was so proud saying "OMG! Now we have a Doctor in the house in case there are any...like...medical emergencies!"

*****

A study by the New York Post says the average lifespan of a New Yorker increased to 81 years while Michael Bloomberg was the Mayor of NYC. 

- Hey...If you can make it to 81 there, you can make it to 81 anywhere!

*****

A 33 year old Oklahoma man pleaded guilty to killing his step-father by giving him an "Atomic Wedgie" during a family fight. He pulled the man's underwear up so high, the waistband went around his neck and suffocated him. 

- I'm sure he'll be enjoying a few atomic wedgies of his own when the guys in prison find out what he's in for. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Look Closely... It's NOT ME... I SWEAR!

79 year old Burt Reynolds made a rare public appearance at Comic Con in Philadelphia over the weekend and told fans that despite all the rumors - he is not broke.  

- He was there to "Boost" his career...and also drink some "Boost".

*****

Tom Brady says he'll appeal the 4-Game suspension handed down by the NFL in the wake of "DeflateGate". 

- If that were me, I'd just take those days off and complete some passes with his wife Giselle Bunchen. 

*****

Sources out of North Korea claim that Kim Jong Un's aunt didn't die from a stroke as he claimed, but that he actually had her poisoned after she yelled at him for executing her husband, Kim's uncle. 

- Oh well...what family doesn't occasionally have it's ups and downs? 

*****

Fox announced that they're canceling American Idol after next season. 

- So if you want to hear bad, off key singing, you're going to have to go back to listening to yourself in the shower. 

- How do we say goodbye to the show that gave us William Hung???

*****

A new survey found that 40% of American moms did not enjoy Mother's Day last Sunday. 

- The other 60% didn't respond to the survey because they were still doing the dishes. 

- But on the bright side, Bruce Jenner said he had the best brunch ever! 

*****

Kim Kardashian says she posed nude for a photo shoot to show that she's comfortable with her psoriasis. 

- As opposed to last week when she posed nude just because. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

"Lookin' For Love In All The Wrong Bunkers..."

Prince Harry admitted that the birth of his new niece, Princess Charlotte, makes him wish he had someone special is his life to marry and have children with. 

- So ladies, if you're single, the "Eva Braun" type and like a man in a Nazi uniform, give him a call! 

*****

A Yahoo News survey found that 58% of Americans want New England Patriot's QB Tom Brady suspended for his role in "DeflateGate". 

- The other 42% think the whole thing is just a lot of hot air. (Bada boom!) 

*****

The University of California at San Diego is coming under fire for a Performance Art Class that requires students to take their final exams while completely naked. 

- Well where are they gonna hide their cheat sheets? 

- Appparently the teacher believes in grading female students "On a Curves". 

*****

Natalie Portman will play Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in an upcoming movie. 

- Proving that not only is Justice "Blind"... but so are casting directors. 

*****

JetBlue airlines announced that they will now offer service to and from Cuba. 

- And just to make passengers feel at home, the planes' emergency chutes will be shaped like '57 Chevys. 

*****

P. Diddy has launched a new fragrance called 3AM. 

- Apparently he's been having prostate issues and named the cologne after the time "Diddy is usually up trying to P".

*****

North Korea is claiming that they successfully test fired a ballistic missile from a submarine yesterday. 

- And Brian Williams claims he was almost hit by it. 

*****

Monica Lewinsky turned down a $1 Million offer for the blue dress she wore during her encounter with President Clinton. 

- I guess if Hillary really wants that thing to disappear she's going to have to come up with a lot more cash. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see back here Tuesday!

-Dick