"Man...Do I Look HOT!"

A survey found that men check themselves out in mirrors 23 times a day, compared to just 16 times for women. 

- So if my math is right, Bruce Jenner will look in the mirror 19.5 times today. 

*****

Michelle Obama revealed that Secret Service agents recently taught 16 year old Malia Obama how to drive. 

- The agents said she's such a good driver, they didn't even spill their drinks! 

*****

Saudi Arabia announced that they are looking to hire eight "sword executioners". 

- They'll be assigned to the Saudi HR Department. 

*****

"The Who" guitarist and song-writer Pete Townshend turns the big 7-O today. 

- He celebrating with a new album featuring the songs, "Who are you? And What Are You Doing On My Lawn?", "The Grandkids Are Alright",  "I Can't See For Miles Anymore", and "My Generation...Now Smokes Pot For Medical Reasons".  

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow told Women's Health magazine that her sex life is the reason she looks so healthy. 

- And people who have sex with Madonna look healthy because of Antibiotics. 

*****

Ireland is considering legalizing same sex marriages. 

- Let's face it...as long as there's an open bar, they don't care whose gettin' married. 

*****

The entire graduate class at USC's art school has dropped out in protest of faculty changes. 

- But if those kids don't get their Art Degree how are they possibly going to support themselves??? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Pharaoh Rules!

American Pharaoh won the Preakness and is now one win away from horse racing's Triple Crown - something that hasn't happened in almost 40 years. 

- Pharaoh stands a better chance of being crowned than Prince Charles does. 

*****

A group of US Commandos killed a senior ISIS leader and captured his wife Saturday night. 

- She's just glad that she'll finally be allowed to watch "The Real Cave-wives of Islamabad". 

***** 

Federal authorities say a cyber-hacker was able to take control of commercial jets on 15 different occasions by hacking into their in-flight entertainment systems. 

- Meanwhile I still can't figure out how to send an email without calling one of my daughters. 

*****

Bill Cosby gave a bizarre interview to "Nightline" on Saturday night during which he babbled incoherently. 

- Sounds like somebody accidentally grabbed the wrong drink off the table. 

*****

A study by BeUnique.com found that teenage girls spend 5 hours a week taking selfies. 

- They spend the other 163 hours of the week tweeting and posting the pics on Instagram. 

*****

Taylor Swift was the big winner at last night's Billboard Music Awards, taking home 8 trophies. 

- And three new boyfriends. 

Meanwhile Kanye West baffled the audience by performing a medley of his hits with so many pyrotechnics that you 1) could barely see him and 2) censors bleeped out so many of the lyrics you could barely hear him. 

- So all in all, it was a great performance. 

*****

Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during an ice hockey exhibition on Saturday. 

- What makes it really impressive is that he did it shirtless, while riding a horse. 

*****

A Nigerian restaurant was closed down for serving human flesh. 

- So next time you're at a restaurant in Nigeria and they offer a hamburger made from "Ground Chuck"... take them at their word. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #160: "Jackie Almost Gives Me An 'Art' Attack"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #160... In my latest audio offering I welcome Daughter #1 Jennifer to the table along with my regular Podcasting Partner in Crime, Jackie (aka Daughter #2) Topics include: 

- Kim Jong Un and his unique way of "retiring" his Military Advisors. 

- If you need hearing aids...the BEST reason to wear them. 

- Tom Brady: Guilty or Not? 

- The newly named Gordie Howe Memorial Bridge. 

- Why we're not supposed to wash raw chicken or turkey anymore. 

- I prove once again that I am a technical moron. 

- CBS canceling "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" after 11 seasons, the genius "behind the scenes" of that show, and how he kept the overworked stars happy. 

- Plus...Jackie's piece of "Sculpture" (and I use that term loosely) that she made in elementary school and why it's still in our curio cabinet. 

So give in to your curio-osity and tune in to Podcast #160!  (49:57)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Kim Jong Un-Believable!

Kim Jong Un is at it again... He ordered the North Korean Defense Minister killed with an anti-aircraft missile. Why? Because the man fell asleep while Kim was speaking at a meeting. 

- He picked up this idea from the Radio business, where when you fall asleep during company meetings, they threaten to Fire you - but not Fire AT you. Kim just took it a step further. 

*****

President Obama announced that his Presidential Library will be located in the South Side of Chicago. 

- "But if you go down there, you better just beware, of a man named LeRoy Brown". 

- The Library is expected to attract thousands of visitors...but still not as many as the "Adult Section" of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library in Arkansas. 

*****

Starbucks announced that they're going to be selling mini Frappuccinos between now and July 6th. 

- It's perfect for people who want to cut down on Caffeine but still spend a ridiculous amount of money. 

- Is it just me or does "Mini Frappuccino" sound like a short, Italian rapper? 

*****

Lindsay Lohan failed to show up at a Brooklyn Children's Center where she was scheduled to fufill her community service. 

- So now the little kids are going to have to figure out how to spike their juice boxes all by themselves. 

*****

Google has admitted that four of their computerized "self-driving" cars have crashed in the past 9 months. 

- Thus breaking the previous record held by Billy Joel. 

*****

Kanye West received an honorary PhD from the Art Institute of Chicago.

- His wife Kim Kardashian was so proud saying "OMG! Now we have a Doctor in the house in case there are any...like...medical emergencies!"

*****

A study by the New York Post says the average lifespan of a New Yorker increased to 81 years while Michael Bloomberg was the Mayor of NYC. 

- Hey...If you can make it to 81 there, you can make it to 81 anywhere!

*****

A 33 year old Oklahoma man pleaded guilty to killing his step-father by giving him an "Atomic Wedgie" during a family fight. He pulled the man's underwear up so high, the waistband went around his neck and suffocated him. 

- I'm sure he'll be enjoying a few atomic wedgies of his own when the guys in prison find out what he's in for. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Look Closely... It's NOT ME... I SWEAR!

79 year old Burt Reynolds made a rare public appearance at Comic Con in Philadelphia over the weekend and told fans that despite all the rumors - he is not broke.  

- He was there to "Boost" his career...and also drink some "Boost".

*****

Tom Brady says he'll appeal the 4-Game suspension handed down by the NFL in the wake of "DeflateGate". 

- If that were me, I'd just take those days off and complete some passes with his wife Giselle Bunchen. 

*****

Sources out of North Korea claim that Kim Jong Un's aunt didn't die from a stroke as he claimed, but that he actually had her poisoned after she yelled at him for executing her husband, Kim's uncle. 

- Oh well...what family doesn't occasionally have it's ups and downs? 

*****

Fox announced that they're canceling American Idol after next season. 

- So if you want to hear bad, off key singing, you're going to have to go back to listening to yourself in the shower. 

- How do we say goodbye to the show that gave us William Hung???

*****

A new survey found that 40% of American moms did not enjoy Mother's Day last Sunday. 

- The other 60% didn't respond to the survey because they were still doing the dishes. 

- But on the bright side, Bruce Jenner said he had the best brunch ever! 

*****

Kim Kardashian says she posed nude for a photo shoot to show that she's comfortable with her psoriasis. 

- As opposed to last week when she posed nude just because. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

"Lookin' For Love In All The Wrong Bunkers..."

Prince Harry admitted that the birth of his new niece, Princess Charlotte, makes him wish he had someone special is his life to marry and have children with. 

- So ladies, if you're single, the "Eva Braun" type and like a man in a Nazi uniform, give him a call! 

*****

A Yahoo News survey found that 58% of Americans want New England Patriot's QB Tom Brady suspended for his role in "DeflateGate". 

- The other 42% think the whole thing is just a lot of hot air. (Bada boom!) 

*****

The University of California at San Diego is coming under fire for a Performance Art Class that requires students to take their final exams while completely naked. 

- Well where are they gonna hide their cheat sheets? 

- Appparently the teacher believes in grading female students "On a Curves". 

*****

Natalie Portman will play Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in an upcoming movie. 

- Proving that not only is Justice "Blind"... but so are casting directors. 

*****

JetBlue airlines announced that they will now offer service to and from Cuba. 

- And just to make passengers feel at home, the planes' emergency chutes will be shaped like '57 Chevys. 

*****

P. Diddy has launched a new fragrance called 3AM. 

- Apparently he's been having prostate issues and named the cologne after the time "Diddy is usually up trying to P".

*****

North Korea is claiming that they successfully test fired a ballistic missile from a submarine yesterday. 

- And Brian Williams claims he was almost hit by it. 

*****

Monica Lewinsky turned down a $1 Million offer for the blue dress she wore during her encounter with President Clinton. 

- I guess if Hillary really wants that thing to disappear she's going to have to come up with a lot more cash. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #159: "The Mother of All Podcasts"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Mother's Day Weekend and Podcast #159. Today Jackie (daughter #2) and I welcome daughter #4 (JoAnne) to the Family dining room table for a fast, fun discussion of topics including: 

- The latest flurry of texts the girls were getting WHILE we were recording the Podcast. 

- How some Movie Musicals and Plays are great...until they start Singing. 

- A medley by Jackie & JoAnne of one of the big hits from West Side Story. 

- The frustration of watching "Jeopardy". 

- JoAnne gets a plug in for her new daily TV news show on Channel 7 called "The Now". 

And finally...

-We're not sure, but we think Wallside Windows is having a sale! 

It's all in Podcast #159! And remember, as the song that I used to play on the radio goes... "If It Wasn't For Your Father, Would Your Mother be Your Mother? So Remember Dad on Mother's Day!"

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog. 

-Dick

"NOT Keeping Up With The Kardashians!"

A new app called "Kardblock" will remove any mention of the Kardashians from the websites you visit. The company's next app will filter out any mention of Justin Bieber. 

- So if you want to keep up with Justin, you'll just have to get yourself a good old fashioned Police Scanner. 

*****

President Obama told David Letterman that he plans to spend his retirement golfing all day and playing dominoes. 

- He wanted to say "Ordering Domino's" but was afraid Michelle would kick his butt. 

*****

Scientists have used reverse aging software on the image of Jesus's face from the Shroud of Turin to show what he would have looked like as a 12 year old boy. 

- But they admitted they went too far when they put him in a "Jerusalem Jets"' Soccer Jersey.

***** 

TLC debuts a new game show called "Labor Games" tonight during which women IN LABOR at the hospital, along with their husbands, have to answer trivia questions about child-rearing to win prizes. 

- It's kind of like "The Price Is Right" especially when the announcer tells the baby to "Come On OUT!"

*****

Yahoo news is reporting that the latest fashion trend is for women to dye their underarm hair bright colors and wear it as an accessory. 

- French women have been doing this for years...just without the dyeing part. 

- Attention ladies: It's time to upload some new photos to your online dating profile! 

*****

Tiger Woods says he "hasn't slept" since Olympic Skier Lindsay Vaughn broke up with him. 

- Just to clarify... He's SLEPT with a lot of women...he just hasn't actually gone to sleep. 

*****

A French man is being investigated for assaulting two women he met on a dating site devoted to people with urination fetishes. 

- The site is called "Christian Tinkle". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Cinco de Mayo!

It's Cinco de Mayo which can only mean one thing! Tomorrow is May 6th! 

Meanwhile a Facebook survey found that 48% of Americans plan on drinking today to celebrate Mexico's unlikely victory over France in the Battle of Puebla. 

- 78% of Mexicans say they won't have time to drink as they'll be too busy sneaking into America.

*****

A video has gone viral of President Obama fist-bumping what appeared to be a 4 year old boy before boarding Marine One yesterday. 

- We're checking a rumor that  the "4 year old boy" was actually Kim Jong Un, who was on a sight-seeing tour of D.C. with Dennis Rodman. 

*****

A company in China is building a manufacturing plant that will be run solely by 1000 robots. 

- Translation: 1000 Kindergarteners are about to lose their jobs. 

*****

In Melissa Rivers' new book about her mother Joan, Melissa says that her mom had a lifelong obsession with death and had 348 plastic surgeries including countless facelifts.

- This explains why Joan referred to Michael Jackson as "an amateur". 

*****

The E! Network is airing a 2-hour special about the Kardashian's response to Bruce Jenner's "transisition" to womanhood. 

- They're all just ticked off that this year they have to buy TWO Mother's Day gifts. 

*****

Olympic Skier Lindsey Vonn announced that she and boyfriend Tiger Woods have split. 

- So now she'll have more time to spend on the slopes, and he'll have more time to play "a round". 

*****

A Texas councilman forgot to turn off his microphone while visiting the men's room, thus broadcasting his brief visit to the john to an entire room full of people holding a council meeting.  

- Meantime the Council slapped him with a fine for violating the noise ordinance. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Charlotte's on the Web!

It's Official! Prince William and Kate Middleton have announced that the name of their new baby girl born on Saturday is: Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.  

- The couple was considering "North West" but another Royal couple, Kim and Kanye, beat them to it.

 - Oddsmakers in Vegas had predicted Charlotte and Alice as the favorites...but that was for Bruce Jenner. 

*****

American Pharaoh won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday by two-lengths. 

- The horse didn't seem that excited, prompting his jockey to ask "Why the long face?" (Rimshot, please). 

*****

Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao in a unanimous decision to win the "Fight of the Century" in Las Vegas. 

- With his history of domestic violence, was anyone really surprised that Floyd knew how to land a punch? 

*****

Stars Wars fans claim today, the 4th of May is THEIR day... since "May The Force Be With You" sounds similar to "May the Fourth Be With You". 

- To paraphrase Seinfeld... Yoda, Yoda, Yoda. 

- So if your 35 year old son living in your basement seems extra excited when he comes upstairs to grab some snacks, now you know why. 

*****

Capitol Police found a loaded gun in John Boehner's office restroom on Friday. 

- Boehner vowed that when they find the culprit...he's gonna Tan his hide. Literally. 

*****

Rosie O'Donnell's estranged wife reportedly wants her to be drug tested. 

- I know one thing there not gonna find in Rosie's system: Estrogen. 

*****

RIP... Ben E. King who died Friday at the age of 76. His hit songs, some with The Drifters, are legendary and include: "Stand By Me", "Under The Boardwalk", "This Magic Moment", "Spanish Harlem", "There Goes My Baby" "Save The Last Dance For Me", and my personal favorite... "Up On The Roof". (I think that was Santa Claus's favorite too).

Have a great day and I'll you see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #158: "May Days! May Days!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of May and Podcast #158. This time around, Jackie and I are joined once again by former "Purtan's Person" and "The Glass is Half-Empty" kinda guy, Jim Ochs. Our topics include: 

-Why my not having a Smartphone seems "dumb" to some...but how my Flip-Phone comes in handy. 

- Something we've never dared talk about before: The ball on top of the Penobscot Building. 

- The latest on Bruce Jenner's transition...including what Cup Size he's going with and why. 

- The story behind Netflix launching a "Full House" reprise called "Fuller House". 

- Two Burning Questions: Was Lassie a boy or a girl in real life? And who was Rudd Weatherwax?

- The voice behind "The Grinch". 

- Some great lines from Paul Lynde & Charlie Weaver on "Hollywood Squares". 

- Why get an Apple Watch? 

- Plus....for you history fans...How Michigan ended up giving Toledo to Ohio in exchange for the U.P. 

So usher in the new Month with Podcast #158! Who knows...you MAY just like it!   (43:08)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

It's "National Honesty Day"... Honest!

Today is National Honesty Day!

- NBC News will mark the day by duct taping Brian Williams mouth shut. 

***** 

While honesty is good...turns out we all tell a few "little white lies". Ranker.com did some research and came up with the Top Ten. As a public service, I'll list them here: 

1.      I'm Fine

2.      I'm 5 Minutes Away

3.      Let's Keep in Touch

4.      I Totally Forgot to Do That Thing You Asked Me to Do

5.      My Phone Died

6.      I've Been Swamped Lately

7.      I'm Busy That Day

8.      I Love It!

9.      Yeah, I'm Listening

10.  Oh Yeah, I Remember You

And then there's the one they forgot... "Sure! I'd LOVE to babysit the grandkids Saturday night!"

*****

Jack Ely, the lead singer of The Kingsmen, died this week at the age of 71. It's his voice that we heard on the huge hit song "Louie, Louie". 

- The song is considered a classic and is also in my humble opinion one of the worst songs ever. I probably played it on the radio 10,000 times during my career and hated it every time. 

*****

A plane carrying Bill Clinton had to make an emergency landing in Tanzania after one of it's four engines gave out. 

- Along with three flight attendants. 

*****

Twitter's stock price plummeted after it's financial earnings were leaked early on...TWITTER. 

- That, my friends, is the definition of #irony. 

*****

A study by Ipsos Market Research found that the majority of parents are not saving for their children's college education. 

- Instead, they're using the money to furnish their basements since that's where their kids will end up living anyway. 

*****

New York's Museum of Biblical Art announced it is permanently closing in June. 

- And that is the Gospel Truth. 

*****

A French company is allowing people to bottle the scent of a loved one so they can use it as perfume when that person dies. 

- It's called "Chanel #6... Feet Under". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

GAME ON!

The Red Wings face the Tampa Bay Lightning in Game 7 of their series tonight in Tampa. A win will send them to the next round of the play offs... but it's going to be extra-challenging. The Wings will be without "go-to-guy" Niklas Kronwell, who was suspended for one game for "launching into a hit" against a Lightning forward. Game time: 7:30pm. GO WINGS!

***** 

A hot new trend in Japan called "Silver Porn" features "Adult Film Actresses" over the age of 65. 

- Among the most popular films: "Debbie Has No Recollection of Doing Dallas" & "Deep Vein Thrombosis". 

*****

Justin Bieber is being criticized for crashing a high school prom in California last Saturday night. 

- The news is just coming out now because everyone thought he was just an awkward girl that no one would dance with. 

*****

Apple has confirmed that wrist tattoos can cause the Apple Watch to malfunction, keeping tattooed wearers from using some apps and even making calls. 

- So your Tattoo may say "I Heart Mom"...but you can't call her to let her know. 

*****

Prince William and Kate Middleton sent pastries and coffee to fans waiting outside St. Mary's Hospital for the birth of their Royal baby. 

- So when Push comes to Shove, the Royals really do care about the commoners! 

*****

Two graduate students from Ohio have invented a device that can determine if motorists have used marijuana. 

- The technical name for it is: "A Bag Of Doritos". 

*****

New York City's Yellow Taxi's are installing a panic button that a driver can push is he's under attack. 

- Taxi Riders are lobbying for a panic button THEY can use when their sense of smell is under attack. 

*****

A Pennsylvania woman "relieved herself" on a cops leg while resisting arrest. 

- She fled on foot, and the police immediately issued an A-Pee-B. 

- Her lawyer plans to to with the "Over Active Bladder Defense". 

*****

Have a great day, GO WINGS, and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Made in China?

The White Houe unveiled a new Barack Obama china set that will be used for state dinners. 

- Michelle is upset since Barack promised her "If you like the China you use for State Dinners now, you can KEEP the china you use for state dinners now". 

- They also unveiled the new Joe Biden Dribble-Glass collection. 

*****

According to a CBS News poll, 25% of Americans say they have been contacted by the dead. 

- Put another way, 25% of Americans are looking to score their own reality show. 

*****

Matt Lauer and Ellen DeGeneres performed a skit at the Daytime Emmys featuring Lauer dressed in bondage gear from Fifty Shades of Grey. 

- Apparently Matt likes to take a beating in more than just the ratings. 

*****

A pair of Air Jordans worn by Michael Jordan raked in a cool $71,000 at auction. 

- That's almost as much as you'd pay for an unworn pair of Air Jordans. 

- But not as much as you'd have to shell out for a pair of Dennis Rodman's pumps. 

*****

Producers say Bruce Jenner's Docu-series about his transition to womanhood will include some light hearted moments including Bruce re-learning how to swing a golf club now that he has breasts. 

- Bruce was apparently so excited during the segment, instead of yelling "Fore!" he yelled "TWO!"

*****

Abercrombie and Fitch has announced they will no longer hire employees based on attractiveness. 

- So if you're really attractive and looking for work, you're gonna have to head over to Fox News. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hot Wings!

The Red Wings are hoping to wrap up their series with Tampa Bay tonight at the Joe by winning Game 6 of the 7 game series. GO WINGS!!!

*****

Buckingham Palace has confirmed Prince William & his wife Kate will break Royal tradition and announce the birth of their second child (due any minute now) via Twitter. 

- The old system was a puff of smoke appearing above the Royal Bedroom...no wait... that's the Pope. 

*****

A new study shows that one-third of babies between the age of 6 months and two years already spend up to an hour a day using smart phones and other high tech devices - even making calls on them. 

- If you get a call from a six month old and there's no one on the other end of the line, you can consider yourself "Rash On My Butt Dialed". 

- You can tell when a two-year old tweets because they use the hashtag #loadeddiaper.

*****

British Medical Authorities are coming under fire for asking 75 year olds - even healthy ones - if they will sign a Do Not Resuscitate order. Critics say it's designed to speed up the deaths of the elderly population. 

- They got the idea from Prince Charles, who's been trying to get his Mum to sign one of those for YEARS. 

*****

A new report says that a group of Russian hackers had access to President Obama's emails in 2014. 

- Now if we could just get them to take a crack at Hillary's email account and tell us what's in 'em. 

*****

Rumors are swirling that NBC is asking Brian Williams to resign, as the network has uncovered at least 10 other lies that he told. 

- I think we can count on at least one more lie...when Brian claims he's "retiring to spend more time with his family". 

*****

Over the weekend, three more women came forward to accuse Bill Cosby of drugging them. 

- Usually, the "Proof is in the Pudding"...but in Cosby's case, it's in a glass of wine. 

*****

The Chinese government is banning the quaint practice of hiring strippers to dance at funerals. 

- Apparently it was taking too long to get the caskets shut.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #157: "My Man To Man Talk With Bruce Jenner"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #157... This go-around, former "Purtan's Person" Jim Ochs joins Jackie and me for a spirited conversation on topics including: 

- Diane Sawyer's BIG INTERVIEW with Bruce Jenner that will air TONIGHT (Friday) in which Bruce will allegedly kiss his manhood goodbye. (So to speak). The pic above was taken at the Auto Show back in the mid-80's. I can only imagine what I'd find if I checked under Bruce's hood today!

- My mother's recently discovered "Mystery" older sister who no one in my family ever talked about. 

- The "Real" Chevy Chase.

- Ringo's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...and how Eric Clapton stole George Harrison's wife. 

- Jackie's not-so-nice but true story about a Doctor who asked Harrison to autograph his guitar while George was on his death bed. 

- The John Lennon/Paul McCartney rivalry. 

- And Gender Neutral Bathrooms: Where do we Go from here? 

So whether you're a man, woman or "undecided"...don't stall... tune in to Podcast #157!  (40:57)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Kermit, Mary Kate & Ashley!

Hold onto your hats! Two big showbiz announcements: 

ABC is coming out with a new adult "Muppets" series that will delve into the personal lives of the characters like a soap opera. 

- I can't wait to see the two old guys in the balcony go to the doctor for their annual prostate exams. 

AND... Netflix is considering producing a new updated "Full House" series called "Fuller House". 

- So all you Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen fans out there... WE'RE ON THIS STORY!!!!! Details when available! 

*****

ISIS has banned the wearing of Nike shoes and apparel because the company name is similar to the Arabic word for "Sexual Intercourse". 

- Personally, I think Adidas look better with Burkas anyway. 

*****

Dr. Oz will devote the entire hour of today's show to countering claims by ten other doctors who signed a letter stating that they believe he promotes quack products, and is only motivated by financial gain. 

- The episode will be sponsored by "The New Zealand Snail-Slime Belly Fat Burning Weight Loss Capsules".  

- At the end of the show, he'll stretch out a real 25 foot human intestine just to keep things normal. 

*****

A study by Rover.Com found that "Max" was the most popular dog name of 2014. 

- They didn't bother finding out the most popular Cat name since they couldn't find a Cat who would talk to them.  

*****

A Colorado  man was arrested for shooting his computer eight times because it was driving him crazy. 

- He should have just sworn at the computer like I do. 

*****

People Magazine has announced it's pick for "The Most Beautiful Woman of the Year"... And the winner is: Sandra Bullock. 

- Am I the only one who thinks Bruce Jenner was robbed?

*****

It's National "Take Your Son Or Daughter To Work Day". 

- NBA Players were going to participate, but there weren't enough seats in the arena for all of their kids. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

Happy Birthday JoAnne!!!

It's Earth Day! And it also happens to be the Birthday of my wonderful daughter, JoAnne...number 4 of 6!

- I don't know who to hug first...JoAnne or a Tree! 

*****

Dennis Hoff, the owner of the Nevada Bunny Ranch, has launched a Political Action Committee called "Hookers for Hillary". 

- Just to be fair, he's also formed a  "Get-Some-Action Committee" called "Bunnies For Bill".  

*****

A female student at the University of Alabama has left the US to join ISIS. 

- Think of it as an "Arab Spring Break". 

- Apparently the back-stabbing at her sorority just wasn't violent enough. 

*****

Google is going to use weather balloons to bring WiFi to underdeveloped nations. 

- Too bad no one living in those places has a cell phone or laptop. 

*****

A new trend called the Kylie Jenner Challenge dares girls to suck on an empty jar until their lips blow up and look as puffy as hers. 

- Her stepmom, Bruce Jenner, says it's saved him hundreds on collagen lip injections! 

*****

TMZ is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Patrick have broken up. 

- Patrick has already moved on and is dating the family maid's daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

How Tweet It Is!

Twitter announced  that it will now allow users to send direct messages to people who aren't following them. 

- And if you have any idea what that means, please email me. Or better yet... send me a postcard. 

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Congrats to the Tigers for their 2-1 win over the Yankess...upping their 1st place record to 11-2! And Good Luck to the Wings as they take on Tampa Bay in Game 3 of the Playoffs tonight at the Joe. Game time: 7pm. 

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A new book called "Clinton Cash",  questions the foreign donations that have been made to Bill and Hillary's family charity. 

- "Clinton Cash" is also the term strippers use to describe the singles Bill stuffs in their G-strings.

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U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy appeared on Sesame Street and told Elmo to get vaccinated against the measles. 

- He also reminded Miss Piggy to drop a few pounds. 

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The Taliban is condemning ISIS for a series of bombings in Afghanistan. 

- I think this takes the "Pot Calling The Kettle Black" thing to a whole new level. 

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A dress worn by Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind was sold at auction for $137,000. 

- Ironically, the anonymous buyer plans to take the dress apart and have it made into drapes. 

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Demi Moore has put her Manhattan Penthouse up for sale for $75 million. 

- It comes fully furnished, including Ashton Kutcher's old race car bed and his entire collection of Pokemon cards. 

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A study by Utrecht University found that you can become happy by smelling the sweat of someone who is happy. 

- And they say you'll be SUPER happy if you catch of a whiff of Michael Moore at an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

1st Place Tigers Hoping To Roar Some More!

Our red hot Tigers will try to increase their 1st place AL Central League standing to 11 - 3 when they take on the New York Yankees tonight at Comerica Park. Game time: 7:09 GO TIGS!!!!!

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In a "Long and Winding" acceptance speech at his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Ringo Starr offered some advice to bands trying to make it today: If you break wind on the tour bus, "own it". 

- The same applies if you're trapped in a Yellow Submarine. 

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The FBI admitted to "overstating" forensic hair matches in every murder trial before the year 2000. 

- "Overstated" must be FBI speak for "Lied". 

- I knew OJ didn't do it!

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An unidentified person was arrested by the Secret Service Sunday after scaling the fence and trying to get into the White House. 

- If he wants in the White House so badly, why doesn't he just run for President like everybody else? 

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In a clip from his upcoming tell-all "I am a woman" interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner says his kids are his number one priority. 

- Bruce is putting his kids first...just like any other good Mother.

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A North Korean news agency is reporting that Kim Jong Un has climbed the highest mountain in North Korea. 

- The report was confirmed by a man claiming to be Kim's sherpa...a Mr. B. Williams formerly of NBC. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick