How SWEET It Is!!!

Congrats to U of M and MSU...both bound for the Sweet Sixteen next weekend! Go Blue! Go Green! And let the March Madness continue! 

*****

Speaking of "March Madness"...Ukraine's leaders are accusing Vladimir Putin of wanting to take over their whole country. 

- It looks like we have another "Cold War" on our hands...not counting the dreaded Polar Vortex which looks like it's returned as well. 

*****

Former President Jimmy Carter says he believes the NSA is spying on him too. 

- He was tipped off by a giant rabbit he ran into while he was ice fishing. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are on the cover of Vogue in their pre-wedding Wedding gown and tux. Kermit and Miss Piggy released a spoof cover. 

- The fact is, Kim's had more hands up her skirt than Miss Piggy.  

- The two old men in the balcony said they prefer the Miss Piggy cover since she has more realistic fake boobs than Kim. 

*****

New research says that sleep deprivation damages intelligent brain cells. 

- So basically Keith Richards hasn't slept since he took a nap between sets at Woodstock. 

- Now insomniacs have something else to lie awake all night worrying about. 

*****

A Florida man was arrested after drinking 10 Jaegermeister shots, punching a 70 year old man in the nose and starting a fire in the bar bathroom one recent afternoon.   

- The 70-year-old was so mad he flipped the guy the early "Bird" special. 

*****

In an effort to find the missing plane, Malaysian officials plan on asking the U.S. for undersea surveillance help. 

- Why don't they ask Edward Snowden? He seems to know everything. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #114: "Here's Just A 'Sample' Of What You'll Hear..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of Spring!!! Today I offer up an encore of the Podcast we put up last Friday. Why? I got a lot of emails about it and wanted to give those of you who didn't hear it a chance to check it out. Next question: Why so many emails? Well, Podcast #114 features two hilarious "Everything You Wanted To Know About Trying To Get Pregnant But Were Afraid To Ask" stories. One from former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune, and the other from my daughter Jackie. 

Both Joe and Jackie's then-husband had to have their "Michael Phelps" counted (if you catch my drift) and though their experiences were different...they are both hysterical. Who knew "giving a sample" could be so complicated? 

What's NOT complicated is listening to the Podcast! Just click on either of the links on this page and voila! You can "sample" it for yourself!

Have a great Spring Weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular Blog! 

-Dick 

Spring Fever & March Madness!

Spring officially arrives at 12:57pm today. That means it's time to put away my fur-lined sneakers and pull out the old black socks and sandals!!! 

*****

Today also marks the beginning of "March Madness"...and both Spartan and Wolverine basketball fans will be glued to their TV's. #4 seed MSU takes on #13 Delaware at 4:40pm. Then at 7:10pm, #2 seeded Michigan faces #15 Wofford. GO GREEN AND GO BLUE!!!

*****

President Obama picked MSU to win the NCAA Tournament. 

- Before you get too excited...this is the same guy who said "If you like your Doctor, you can keep your Doctor".

- Just to tick Obama off, Vladimir Putin picked U of M...the University of Moscow. 

- Obama's very experienced when it comes to basketball. He's been jumping through hoops trying to get people to sign up for Obamacare for months now. 

*****

A Urologist in Texas says that more men get vasectomies during "March Madness" than any other time of the year. He claims the guys time-it so they can "recover" while watching nonstop basketball. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to the "Tip Off"...no wait, that's a circumcision. 

- If only we could get more professional basketball players to get vasectomies, Father's Day would be so much less confusing!

*****

Osama Bin Laden's son-in-law claims he warned Bin Laden that the U.S. wouldn't stop until it killed him, but he replied "You're being too pessimistic." 

- It's that kind of positive thinking that earned Bin Laden the Presidency of the "Secret Pakistani Hideout Optimist Club". 

- More proof that Osama was a "The Camel's Hump is Half Full" kind of guy.

*****

Starbucks has announced that it will begin selling a new Chai Tea named after Oprah Winfrey. 

- They say it's has a robust flavor and gives off a pleasing "new car smell". 

Execs say Starbucks will also begin serving Alcohol in it's stores during the evening hours. 

- Finally! Somewhere you can get a paper cup of wine for just $27.50!

*****

A school principal in Hempstead, Texas was fired for telling students to speak English instead of Spanish. 

- You can hear her message by calling the school and pressing #1 for Spanish, and #2 for English. 

*****

In Touch magazine released more names from Lindsay Lohan's list of men she's slept with, including Ashton Kutcher, Benicio del Toro and Ryan Phillippe. 

- So now we know three more guys who are taking penicillin. 

- Wouldn't it be easier for her to hand out a list of guys she hasn't slept with? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

The Winter Of 2014: So Long Sucka!

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF WINTER!!!!! I REPEAT...TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF WINTER!!!!!

*****

Vladimir Putin issued a list of Americans who are not allowed to visit Russia as a response to U.S. Sanctions. 

- Well there goes the annual Purtan family trip to Moscow to take pics of the grandkids next to an embalmed Lenin under glass. 

- Basically the only American NOT on the list is Eric Snowden. 

*****

Katie Holmes was spotted at Disney World taking pictures with tourists. 

- She did refuse to go on "It's a Small World" because it reminds her of Tom Cruise.

*****

This is the date the swallows traditionally return to the San Juan Capistrano Mission in California. 

- And boy are their arms tired. 

- Unfortunately one of the birds didn't make it. He fell off the radar about an hour after he took off and nobody can find him. 

*****

The White House's executive pastry chef has resigned. 

- I guess it just wasn't any fun making "Cauliflower Cupcakes".

*****

A study by the University of Toronto says that saturated fat doesn't lead to heart disease.

- The study was funded by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. 

*****

An 88-year old mobster is accused of bullying his neighbors at a Florida nursing home. 

- He told one woman she'd soon be sleeping with her great grandson's pet fishes. 

- What's he gonna do? Hire two guys to break someone's hip? 

*****

TV Infomercial star Kevin Trudeau has been sentenced to 10 years in the slammer for scamming millions of consumers with his fake medical cures, financial tips and weight loss books. 

- Trudeau panicked when the judge said "But Wait...There's More!!!"

- When he heard the sentence he immediately dropped two pounds...of course that was just "water weight". 

- Look for his new book "How To Turn The Prison Commisary Into Your Own Cash Cow!" coming soon. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Maize & Blues...But No Booze!

The University of Michigan says it won't allow alcohol at their football games next year. 

- Fans will compensate by starting their tailgate parties 3 hours earlier. 

- THE Ohio State University Football Team was going to ban booze in their Stadium as well, but the players said they refused to play in an empty house. 

*****

Joe Biden is in Poland to reassure our allies that Russia won't be allowed to make any more land grabs. 

- Polish residents said with Biden's presence they are no longer afraid. They're terrified.

- Biden said he won't let the Russians put a foot in Poland. But added that if the German's show up...they're on their own.  

***** 

A 4.4 magnitude Earthquake struck Los Angeles this morning. 

- This is what happens when Kirstie Alley and Michael Moore get together at Denny's for breakfast. 

*****

Guinness pulled out of New York City's St. Patrick's Day Parade, citing the exclusion of gay marchers. 

- I guess they think gay guys should have the chance pee along the parade route just like everybody else.

- Parade officials said they will allow Gays to march in the Parade next year...but only if they're dressed as Leprechauns. 

*****

The search continues for the missing Malaysian Airliner in the Indian Ocean. 

- This plane is turning out to be harder to find than relatives at a Kim Jong Un Family Reunion. 

*****

Game of Thrones actress Sibel Kekelli says there should be more male nudity on her show.

- Well that would certainly point the show in a new direction.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

MSU Win Over UofM Puts The "Green" In St. Patrick's Day

#22 ranked MSU stunned #8 ranked Michigan yesterday by claiming the Big Ten Tournament Title in a 69-55 victory.  Both teams head into "March Madness" later this week. 

*****

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all Irishman and Irishwomen celebrating today! 

- Since there is virtually no chance of you remembering what we put in today's blog, we're just going to repost the same stuff tomorrow! For now, here's one of the classic Irish ditties!

*****

LITTLE KNOWN IRISH FACTS: 

- The expression "May The Wind Be Always At Your Back" originated in 1632 after Irishman  Donny O'Donnell had a bit too much cabbage with his corned beef. 

- Not all Irishmen drink Beer on St. Patrick's Day. Some of them drink Whiskey instead. 

- O'prah Winfrey is not really Irish. 

- Kissing the Blarney Stone won't necessarily bring you luck, but it might get you a nasty case of herpes, depending on who kissed it, before you did. 

*****

- Secretary of State John Kerry says that if Russia doesn't reverse its course in Ukraine by the end of the day today, there will be serious economic repercussions. 

- Translation: John and his billionaire wife Theresa Heinz Kerry will start buying their Caviar from some other country. 

*****

A study shows that 68% of High Schools in the US are doing away with school dances. 

- Officials say it's just an extension of their current policy of doing away with school education. 

- Father's everywhere are disappointed that this Spring's "Daddy-Daughter Twerkathon" is a no-go. 

- So now nerds and geeks can stay home and play video games like they do every Friday night without wasting time being rejected by a cheerleader. 

*****

Saudi Arabia issued a list of 50 names new parents are banned from naming their newborns. The list includes Alice, Benjamin and Sandy. 

- Approved names on the list include Mohammed, Mohammed and Mohammed. 

*****

Lady Ga-Ga hired a "vomit artist" to throw up on her costume at the SXSW music festival. 

- It was kind of like the famous "meat dress" she wore...but this time it was partially digested. 

*****

Have a great St. Patrick's Day...celebrate safely...and I'll see you back here O'Tuesday. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #114: "We Did This On The Sperm Of The Moment"...

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand spanking new Podcast! Today former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune joins Jackie and me at the Purtan Dining Room table for some R&R - and by that I mean "Riveting and Rollicking" conversation. 

First up, we'll tell you about a new scientific breakthrough to eliminate genetic diseases that involves using not two, but three people to make one baby. (The technique was inspired by some great reproductive research pioneers: The guests on "The Jerry Springer Show".)

I'll also explain how Vladimir Putin became the Uber Oprah Winfrey of Mother Russia after the Sochi Olympics. (He's not only handing out free cars...but a new country as well!) and we'll share the amazing story of a blind woman who's being kicked out of her nudist-colony-condo-complex because her Seeing Eye Dog is too tall. It may sound like a bunch of shitzu, but it's true, and we'll get to the bottom...(or maybe it's the front) of why it's happening! 

And speaking of true stories, Joe and Jackie both recount (so to speak) the harrowing experiences they went through when it came time to try to have a baby. (No...not together!) Let's just say when it came time to play "Count the Sperm", Joe completely misunderstood the concept of having someone "take his sample" (although he did entertain a lot of nurses). And Jackie and her then-husband, who were living in NYC at the time, were forced to buy one of "those magazines", hold a public unisex bathroom hostage, and lie to small children all in an effort to get their sample in the right hands.

So drop what your doing and join us for a conversation that goes along quite "swimmingly" in Podcast #114!  (

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you back here Monday - St. Patrick's Day - with my regular O'Blog! 

-Dick

31% Of Christians Have No Idea It's Your Nephew's Birthday...

A survey found that 31% of Christians have given up Social Media for lent. 

- Let's see if we can get 100,000 "Likes" for this on Facebook! 

- This is explains the 31% decrease in pictures of "cute cats" and must-try pot roast recipes on my newsfeed. 

- It's led to a new medical condition called PTSD...Post Twitter Stress Disorder. 

*****

A pastor in Tennessee has started a website aim at guilting church goers into tipping better at restaurants. 

- I can see it now... "Tip 20% Or This May Be Your Last Supper!"

- One parishioner said he'll start tipping 50%...the day his waiter starts turning water into wine. 

- The news has really excited employees at the local "Waffle House Of Worship" and "Burger King of Kings". 

*****

Publishing sources say that Keith Richards is writing a Children's Book.  

- At least they think it's a children's book...they can't read his handwriting. 

- The working title is "Hey, Hey, You Kids...Get Offa My Lawn!"

*****

Texas US Representative Sheila Jackson Lee took to the house floor Wednesday and declared that the Constitution is 400 years old.

- I think she meant to say that Keith Richards is 400 years old. 

- We should have known she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed when she asked to be sworn into Congress using the "Steve Gutenberg Bible". 

*****

Wildlife officials in India are giving birth control pills to monkeys. 

- They tried other methods of contraception, but the male monkeys kept putting the condoms on their bananas. 

- PETA's gonna go Ape when they hear about this one. 

*****

The FDA approved a nerve stimulating headband as the first medical device to prevent headaches. 

- Men everywhere are now asking their wives to put on a  teddy with a matching nerve stimulation headband."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a Shiny New Podcast! (#114).

-Dick

I Don't Know About You...But I'm Ready For Some "Climate Change"!

The latest blast of Winter may be fraying everyone's nerves, but's it's also led to the release of a whole slew of new country songs. Here's just a sample...

"If Mother Nature Ain't Happy...Ain't Nobody Happy" 

"I'm Dreaming of a White St. Patrick's Day"

"Take This Job and Shovel It"

"All I've Got Is A Pothole To Pee In"

*****

McGraw-Hill launched  "Government in Action" video game for school children. 

- The game features a bunch of clowns running around in circles doing nothing. 

- If kids say they don't like the game, their parents automatically get audited by the IRS. 

*****

An Iranian government official has accused the United States of "Kidnapping" the missing Malaysian 777 airplane. 

- Apparently he thinks two guys in masks drove up to 35,000 feet and forced the plane to get into a flying unmarked van at gunpoint. Makes perfect sense to me. 

*****

Tomorrow, Denver will host a "Job Fair" for the Marijuana industry. 

- Organizers expect the turnout to be extremely high. 

- There are jobs in the Marijuana industry? And I thought the economy was going to Pot. 

- Seminars include: "Printing Your Resume On Rolling Papers" and "Effectively Blowing Smoke Up Your Bosses Butt".

*****

In Oregon, an angry house cat trapped a family inside a bedroom, forcing the dad to call 911. 

- Then his kids used the phone to order his "My Dad Is A Total Wuss" coffee mug for Father's Day. 

- Animal experts say this marks the first time a house cat has done...well, anything to be honest. 

*****

A Chinese man underwent surgery to remove a toy whistle that he swallowed as a small child. 

- Actually, doctors found two whistles. Apparently he got hungry again an hour after he ate the first one. 

- The bad news is, he's been fired as his job as a referee. 

*****

Have a great day, drive & shovel safely, and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Another Loss For The Lions... Only This Time It's The Boss.

RIP...William Clay Ford, Sr. who passed away Sunday night at the age of 88. Ford owned the Detroit Lions for 50 years and the team never gave him a Championship. 

*****

Thanks for all the Facebook comments and emails about the picture of me with my new "Hip" goatee-mustache-and-just-rolled-out-of-bed-hair that we posted last Friday. Most of you seem to like the "new look" but to be honest I wasn't that crazy about it (and neither was my wife). So I combed my hair, snapped  a pic with the goat-stache for "Pos-Hairity" and shaved it off. All that remains now is my usual mustache...So I'm back to almost full facial nudity and off the terrorist lookalike list. Oh well...it was fun while it lasted! 

***** 

55-year-old Prince dazzled a crowd of about 1000 people over the weekend with a 3 hour and 45 minute concert. But before starting, he asked the crowd to put away their cell phones saying "You can't get down with technology in your hand". 

- Basically, he just wanted people to go back to partying like it was 1999. 

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford told his Twitter followers to set their clocks back an hour over the weekend instead of setting them ahead like they were supposed to. 

- It makes sense...he spends every Saturday night "Falling Back". Or just plain falling down. 

- In his defense, he said it was an honest mistake and, oh yeah, he was incredibly intoxicated at the time.

*****

North Korean Election Officials announced that Kim Jong Un received 100% of the vote in the recent election there. Amazingly, his father Kim Jong Ill had the same election results. 

- I guess some things just run in the family. 

- He thanked his staff and then to celebrate, he killed two uncles, three cousins and a couple of old girlfriends. 

*****

A study by TiqIQ found that the Rolling Stones have the highest average ticket price at $624. 

- Once again, young people are being asked to pay for the staggering health care costs of the elderly. 

*****

Have a great day...enjoy the extra hour of daylight...and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #113: "How Dick Became 'A Dude' In One Day"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #113...our first "Pothole Podcast". My wife Gail, daughter Jackie and I talk about the dangers of swerving drivers due to the virtual invasion of these road wreckers. And speaking of invasions...We discuss Hillary Clinton's recent comparison of Vladimir Putin to none other than Hitler. (Apparently Ukraine is the new Poland). Also speaking of invasions...we'll tell you about Bill Clinton's recent "accidental" photo op with two prostitutes. 

From there I'll tell you the Five Words I've been mispronouncing my entire life...and you probably have been too! 

Then suddenly, WH-ooo (that's a hint) walks in...but my special guest, former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune. (He wasn't late - we just started without him). He immediately notices that I am now sporting not only my traditional mustache, but a goatee and a new hairstyle. 

It all started as a way to raise money for the recent Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon and ended up changing my entire "Look". Yes, with the help of my barber, an olympic size swimming pool and two blow driers, I managed to create the "Just Rolled Out Of Bed" look so many Hollywood types are sporting. Hard to believe...but after all these years I'm finally "A Dude". I'm "Hip"! 

As I bask in my "Coolness", I'll reveal the REAL REASON I retired... and if that isn't shocking enough, Jackie tells us about a new remote control device accidentally discovered by scientists that will allow women to experience the big "O" (and I'm not talking Oprah) with the touch of a button. 

Get ready guys...the girls are about to get their very own Clicker! 

From Potholes to "Personal Pleasure" it's all in Podcast #113!  (36:12)

Have a great weekend, and my goatee and I will see you back here Monday with our regular blog! 

-Dick

Talk About A "High 5"!

Congratulations to Red Wing Great Nick Lidstrom, whose #5 jersey will be hung from the rafters  tonight before the Wings game against Colorado at the Joe. His Jersey will join fellow Red Wing Legends: Steve Yzerman - #19, Terry Sawchuk - #1 (Goalie), Alex Delvecchio - #10, Ted Lindsay - #7, Sid Abel - #12 & Gordie Howe - #9.

*****

Twitter is still buzzing about John Travolta's botched pronunciation of Best Supporting Actress Idina Menzel at the Oscars. Travolta has apologized and said he "won't get caught with his pants down again."

- Which is gonna make things a lot more difficult during his weekly "Scientology Probe".

*****

Crimea's Parliament has voted to join Russia. 

- Opposition party leaders Bullwinkle T. Moose and Boris Badenov voted against it. 

*****

A Russian group has nominated Vladimir Putin for a Nobel Peace Prize. 

- It'll look great on the mantel next to his "Joseph Stalin Goodfellow Award". 

*****

On this date in 1836 a small group of Texans were overrun and killed by 3000 Mexicans in a battle for The Alamo. 

- The guys down the block at Hertz and Avis fared much better. 

*****

In a trailer for her new reality show, Lindsay Lohan says she often feels like a prisoner. 

- That's probably because she often is. 

- But the feeling passes as soon as her lawyer bails her out of jail.

*****

Meanwhile a Miami judge ruled that the jailhouse video of Justin Bieber relieving himself must be censored before for it can be released to the public.

- They have to blur out the Cheerio in the toilet bowl that Justin was using as a target.

*****

The NY Times has apologized for spelling someone's name wrong 161 years ago. 

- 60 Minute's reporter Morley Safer graciously accepted the apology. 

*****

A Pew Poll found that the word American's most associate with Hillary Clinton is "tough". 

- And the word American's most associate with Bill Clinton is "Sexytime!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#113).

-Dick 

Short People Get Short End Of Stick!

A study by the University of Edinburgh claims that tall people are smarter than short people. 

- They noted there was an exception: Results showed Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman were both idiots. 

*****

Speaking of idiots...Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was reportedly upset after Jimmy Kimmel showed 5 videos of him clearly drunk and on drugs during his guest appearance Monday night.

- Luckily, by Tuesday morning Ford had forgotten he'd even been on the show. 

*****

A French court granted a woman the right to marry her dead fiancee. 

- It'll be a short ceremony since they can skip the whole "'Til Death Do Us Part" section. 

- The bride says her finance is "a great guy and a regular working stiff". 

- The couple is registered at "Pottery Urn", "Lord & Taylor" and "Bed, Bath & The Great Beyond". 

*****

A Florida nudist colony is evicting a blind woman whose seeing eye dog is taller than the maximum allowed for pets. 

- Apparently the men are afraid a game of "Go fetch the stick" could go horribly wrong.

- Question: Doesn't being blind take half the fun out of living in a nudist colony? 

*****

Sarah Palin says that President Obama is mishandling the Russian conflict. 

- She should know...she's watching the whole thing from her home. (Actually she never said that. Tina Fey did.)

*****

The delivery man who brought pizza to the Oscars was given a $1000 tip. 

- If only they'd used that money to get John Travolta a pronunciation coach! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"Fat Tuesday" Today! "Obese Wednesday" Tomorrow!

Mardi Gras is here...or as we in Detroit call it "Paczki Day". The heavy, sweet donut-like Polish treats are everywhere today.

- But at 700-plus calories each, tomorrow you'll only be able to find them on your thighs or around your mid-section.  

*****

Mardi Gras, which means "Fat Tuesday" in English, is also the day when a whole lot of people drink a whole lot of liquor, wear crazy costumes and women flash their breasts in exchange for plastic bead necklaces. 

- It's similar to another American tradition: "Spring Break". 

*****

Pope Francis accidentally dropped the "F" bomb during a speech in St. Peter's Square. He was giving the speech in Italian which is not his native language and meant to use a similar sounding word meaning "example".

- He set an "example" all right.  

- One of the Cardinals was overhead whispering, "Holy S---! Did you hear what he just said?"

- I think if anyone stands a chance of being forgiven, the Pope is at the top of the list. 

*****

A pastor in Nairobi Kenya has instructed all female parishioners to attend church without wearing bras or underwear to make them more open to receiving the message of the Lord. He said there would be consequences for those who didn't comply - and most of the women did. 

- No wonder the Pope dropped the "F" bomb. 

*****

The White House announced that Michele Obama will visit China to speak to schoolchildren about the importance of education. 

- If we could only get her to do that here in America. 

- The event is considered so important, Sweatshop owners have agreed to extend the kids lunch breaks to 5 minutes, so they can attend the speech. 

*****

A 66 year old New York man suffered a heart attack during a 5K event for Heart Attack Awareness. 

- He didn't just "talk the talk", he "walked the walk"...and then collapsed. 

- Event planners say next time they'll use a silencer on the starter pistol.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Ellen Manages To Win "Best Picture"...

Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres organized a big time selfie last night when she got Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts and a whole bunch of other stars to pose for a cell phone shot. 

-Of all the guys in the shot, Ellen had the coolest tux. 

*****

Last night's Oscars went pretty much as expected with "12 Years a Slave" taking home Best Picture and Matthew McConaughey winning Best Actor. 

- The biggest surprise of the night was that McConaughey wore a shirt while giving his acceptance speech. 

*****

President Obama urged Vladimir Putin to withdraw from Ukraine during a 90 minute call. 

- The two spent one minute talking about the Ukraine and the other 89 minutes discussing their March Madness Brackets. 

*****

A memorabilia dealer is selling a sex tape that allegedly shows a menage a trois between Marilyn Monroe, JFK, and RFK. 

- The dealer says he's already received a million dollar offer from a Mr. B. Clinton of no fixed address. 

*****

Bill Clinton raised eyebrows when he posed for a picture with two prostitutes at a humanitarian gala. The girls said the former Prez had no idea they were Hookers. 

- He thought they were interns. 

*****

American Airlines is canceling it's bereavement policy so from now on people will have to pay full price to fly in following a death. 

- Leave it to the airline industry to take the "fun" out of "funeral"! 

- They'll also charge you extra for all the emotional baggage you'll be carrying since you didn't bother to fly in while they were still alive to say your goodbyes. 

*****

The World's Oldest Person, 116-year-old Misao Okawa of Japan, says the key to living so long is getting 8 hours of sleep and eating sushi. 

- Most Americans want to know how far they can get on 12 hours of sleep and eating lots of BBQ pork. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #112: "Dah...Dah...Dah...Dah...Dah..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Now...Here's...Podcast #112!

Today we welcome back my most requested (and not just by his wife) special guest, former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle, for a Podcast featuring all things "Tonight Show". 

With Jimmy Fallon now behind the iconic desk, we discuss the history of the storied late night show, from how Jack Parr ended up replacing Steve Allen (the original host) to who Jay Leno NEVER MENTIONED on his first "Tonight Show" broadcast and why.

Jackie, Tom & I also debate who was the best Tonight Show host of all time and I'll tell you the inside story of who really aced Conan O'Brien out of the TS job (and it WASN'T Jay Leno!) 

And I could do a monologue on some of the other things we cover...including whether or not our former "Commander-in-Briefs"...yes Bill Clinton...really "had sex with that woman...Elizabeth Hurley" and whether or not Woody Allen is seriously BANANAS! 

There's lots more...but I'm having trouble typing so I'm running out to Metro Airport to have my fingers De-Iced! 

Have a great weekend, kiss February goodbye and March into Podcast #112! 

-Dick 

Dogs Put Nose In Owners Business!

An Animal Hospital in Denver reports that since pot has been legalized, there has been a significant spike in dogs needing treatment from eating marijuana. 

- None of the dogs were seriously ill, but all of them got a newspaper-to-the-nose from their owners for "stealing their stash". 

- Cat's were not affected at all. But admittedly it's hard to tell since they don't seem to be affected by anything anyway. 

*****

Medical researchers are warning of a new condition causing unwanted lines and wrinkles. It's called "Techneck" and it's caused by people spending so much time looking down at their cell phones, computers and other gadgets. 

- The only way to fix the problem is by having iSurgery. 

- Remember the good old days when the only problem your phone caused was a torn Rotary-tator Cuff? 

*****

A female Army soldier is catching heat for taking and posting a "selfie" as she hid in her car to avoid attending a flag saluting ceremony at her home base.  

- The Army is considering a new "No Shoot" policy...not for guns, for cell phone cameras. 

*****

The Governor of Arizona vetoed a controversial bill that would have allowed businesses to deny service to gay people based on their "religious beliefs". 

- So they'll just go back to business as usual and deny them service based on bigotry. 

*****

A man in Queens, NY was arrested for stealing a grandmother's ashes during a burglary. 

- Just another reason why you shouldn't keep your deceased Grandma in a fancy ashtray on your coffee table. 

*****

Scientists have developed a new "Death Test" that uses 4 specific biomarkers that can accurately predict whether even healthy people will die of an unknown medical condition in the next five years. 

- It's a simple blood test and makes a great gift for that special someone you really want to send into a deep depression! 

- The White House was quick to point out that the "Death Test" WILL BE COVERED under Obamacare!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#112) featuring my most requested "special guest"...former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! 

Stay warm...

-Dick

The "Today Show" Puts On A Brave Face...

The Today Show anchors revealed what their faces look like without makeup. 

- Viewers said the pics make Bob Costas' Pink-Eye look downright sexy.  

- Forget Carnival Cruises...Kathy Lee looks like she just got back from a vacation on Royal Carribean. 

*****

A new technology aimed at eliminating genetic disease would combine the DNA of three people to make a baby, instead of two. 

- So now when mother's say, "Wait 'til your father gets home!" the kids will respond: "Which one?"

- Like Father's Day wasn't confusing enough in the NBA. 

*****

50 years ago Cassius Clay (aka Mohammad Ali) defeated Sonny Liston to claim the Heavyweight Championship of the World, but new reports claim the FBI believed the fight was fixed by the mafia. 

- They also believed Sonny Liston slept with Marilyn Monroe on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

*****

A study by the Mayo Clinic found that the average American is idle for 8 hours a day. 

- The technical name for it is "A good night's sleep". 

- That doesn't count Kelly Clarkson who's turned being an Idol American into an entire career. 

*****

According to the gossip site TMZ, Stevie Wonder's girlfriend wants to "see other people". 

- Stevie said, "Get in line". 

- She threw salt on the wound by saying she plans on going on a few blind dates. 

*****

76 year-old Jane Fonda says that she cries when she thinks about how little time she has left on this earth. 

- You know what they say..."So many enemy tanks to sit on...So little time!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"Skate Softly... And Carry A Big Stick!"

Tonya Harding told NBC that she does a lot of yard work since giving up figure skating. 

- Sure...that's easy for her since she's got two good knees! 

*****

In an effort to boost cancer awareness, CBS is giving away a trip to New York City for a free colonoscopy. 

- And you thought having your pocket picked was the most invasive thing that could happen to you on a trip to the Big Apple. 

- CBS claims there's already been quite a run on entries. 

*****

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says he'll shrink the U.S. Army to its smallest size since just before World War II. 

- Is it just me or would this be like FDR sending a "Save the Date" card to Hitler so he could plan ahead for the D-Day invasion? 

- He also plans to send our enemies GPS locators so they can pinpoint exactly where our reduced amount of soldiers are stationed. 

*****

Google's director of engineering predicts that computers will be smarter than humans by 2029. 

- Why not? They're already smarter than Chuck Hagel. 

*****

CNN is canceling the Piers Morgan Show, citing low ratings. 

- At CNN, "Low Ratings" means even the guys in the control room aren't watching the show. 

*****

Pope Francis told a group of Cardinals that they should all behave like the Saints. 

- So first thing this morning, they got in a huddle and patted each other on the butts. 

*****

RIP...Harold Ramis. The comedic writer, director and actor who starred in films including "Ghostbusters" and "Stripes" died at age 69. 

- Sometimes the answer to "Who Ya Gonna Call?" should be "911" not "Ghostbusters". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Putin Out The Flame At The Sochi Olympics...

Congratulations to Stevie Yzerman as GM and the Red Wings' Mike Babcock as Coach, who led Team Canada to their second consecutive Olympic Hockey Gold Medal! 

Also... in College B-Ball... Michigan upset MSU 79-70!  

*****

The Sochi Games are over and Russia led all nations in Medals...

- ...And stray dogs. 

The USA came in second in the total medal count. 

- But we came in #1 in the "Ugly Sweater Competition".

 *****

Maria Von Trapp - one of the seven Von Trapp Children - depicted in the movie "The Sound Of Music" (she was portrayed as the blond daughter "Louisa" in the movie) died at the age of 99. 

- The announcement came when a doctor ran out the front door of the hospital dressed in a Nazi uniform and yelled, "She's Gone!!!"

- The nurses are said to be thrilled that they no longer have to try to figure out "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?"! 

*****

Justin Bieber has scouted six houses for sale in Buckhead, Georgia. 

- It's unclear if he wants to buy them or egg them. 

*****

The Gregorgian Calendar was established on this date in the year 1582. It's the most widely used calendar in the world. 

- If you don't count the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick