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A "Pope-Pourri" Of Tantalizing Tidbits...

The Vatican has announced that following his retirement on Thursday, the Pope will be known as “Emeritus Pope” and will continue to wear his white cossack. 

- Apparently that whole “no white until after Memorial Day” doesn’t apply to the Pontiff. 

- “Emeritus Pope” sounds like a character in one of those British Films that critics love and I don’t understand. 

*****

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, the man who issued stern warnings to Americans agains drugs, cigarettes, fatty foods and unprotected sex has died at 96. 

- If only he’d followed his own advice he could have made it to 100.  

- His family wanted him creamated, but he said the smoke would be bad for them. 

***** 

Thefts of toilet paper have forced a library in Trenton, New Jersey to ration it by having the staff hand it out to library visitors who need to use the facilities. 

- Thus marking the first time in history people don’t have to be told to whisper when asking the librarian a question. 

- They got the idea from a library in England that uses the “Huey, Dewey & I Have To Go To The Loo-ie” decimal system. 

- The toilet paper is the only thing in the library that they don’t ask you to return. 

***** 

Kim Kardashian recently announced on her reality show that if she were a man, she like to have sex with…wait for it…HERSELF. 

- She also added that if the sex led to marriage, she would like totally make herself sign a pre-nup. 

Speaking of Kim and sex…the “Master Unedited Sex Tape” of her, kept locked in a Hollywood producer’s vault, almost when up in smoke when his office caught on fire over the weekend. 

- The producer managed to save Kim’s tape, but threw the Master copies of all of Eddie Murphy’s movies into the flames before firefighters arrived. (Except for “Beverly Hills Cop III”!)

***** 

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler told an Australian TV program that his cocaine addiction used to be so strong that he snorted half of Peru. 

- In an random act of kindness, he left the other half of Peru for Lindsay Lohan. 

***** 

Danica Patrick made history Sunday when she became the first woman driver to start the pole at a Sprint Cup Race. She had a shot at winning, but ended up coming in 8th. 

- If only she hadn’t stopped for directions! 

***** 

On this day in 1870, New York City’s first pneumatic-powered subway line was opened to the public. 

- And was shorted-out that afternoon when a guy peed on the tracks. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

 

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What a Weekend!

First the Radiothon…then the Oscars. In my book, the real winners were all of you who donated so generously to the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon and the thousands of people who will be fed and sheltered with the $1.3 Million raised. As you heard on the Oscars so many times last night, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 

And now… on with the show!

*****

Seth MacFarlane, the creator “The Family Guy”, and two other currently running TV shows did a fabulous job as Emcee of the Academy Awards last night. He’s smart, clever, and funny - and on top of it, is good looking and is an accomplished singer and dancer. The whole thing had a nice “throw back” to “Old Hollywood”. MacFarlane’s jokes were edgy, but in my opinion, never crossed the line.

MacFarlane did cause quite a stir with a clever song and dance number - introduced by William Shatner as Captain Kirk who visited from the future - about actresses who have bared their tops in the movies. It was called, “We Saw Your Boobs” - and it didn’t go over too well with some of the actresses who were included in the song. 

- Apparently they don’t mind showing them on the big screen, but they’re offended by any one mentioning it on TV. 

- Hey…at least they didn’t give out an Award for “Best Plastic Surgeon”. 

*****

There was a great bit where he went to introduce Christopher Plummer - as Captain Von Trapp from “The Sound of Music”. When he annonced him name, they cut to a shot of double doors which no one came through. He tried again, saying “The Von Trapp Family Singers”, and again…no one showed up. Then, just like in the movie, a guy dressed as a Nazi ran through the doors and yelled, “They’re gone!” I don’t know if our junior readers got it, but I thought it was hysterical.

- That’s why he got paid so much “Do-Re-Mi” for hosting! 

*****

Daniel Day Lewis took home the Best Actor for his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln in “Lincoln”. 

- I know some of you haven’t seen the movie yet, so I won’t tell you how it ends.  

***** 

Anne Hathaway took home the best Actress Award for her role as Fantine in Les Miserables, in which she both acted and sang live. 

- When I saw the shabby haircut she sported in the movie, I thought for sure my barber Tom would be mentioned in the credits. 

***** 

The Award for Best Picture went to “Argo” and as a special surprise was announced by First Lady Michelle Obama. 

- Marco Rubio immediately followed with a Rebublican rebuttal claiming that “Lincoln” should have won. 

***** 

Barbra Streisand made her first appearance on the Oscars in 30 years when she sang and dedicated “The Way We Were” to the late great Marvin Hamlisch who won an Academy Award for it in 1974.  

- She also dedicated it to Jennifer Aniston and every actor in the room that she has dated or been engaged to in the last 5 years. 

*****

The movie “Life of Pi” was the big winner taking home 4 trophies. 

- It was inspired by Michael Moore’s eating habits. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

 

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It's Radiothon Day!!!!!

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Today’s the day! The 26th Annual Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon! Today’s 16-Hour event, live from the Oakland Mall from 6am to 10pm is THE fundraiser for a program that feeds more that 5000 men, women and children in the Metro-Detroit area 365 DAYS A YEAR! And it shelters over 400 people EVERY NIGHT! 

Hard to believe I started this Radiothon 26 years ago with the hope of raising a few hundred dollars. 26 years later…we’ve (thanks to you!) raised millions and have helped thousands and thousands of people who truly need our help.  

I invite you to join in as we broadcast live on 760 WJR and encourage you to donate now! 

A donation of $10 a month (that’s $120 a year) will feed ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!

If you can afford $20 a month ($240 for the year), that will feed TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. 

And donating couldn’t be easier… Just click on the “Donate Now” button on the left of this page, call 1-248-528-0760, or go to salmich.org. No matter how much you can afford - it will be welcomed with open arms and a grateful heart. And remember…every penny goes right to this vital feeding program. Not one cent is spent on administrative costs. 

Stop by the mall and say hi if you get the chance…or in addition to listening to the broadcast on 760 WJR, you can watch live streaming on wjr.com as well as Channel 4 and Channel 7’s websites! 

Please help us as we help those who need it the most!

Thanks for your many years of continued support…

-Dick 

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Waking Up...

By Jackie Purtan - 2/21/2012

Imagine, just for a moment, that you are six years old again. It must be morning, because the faintest light of dawn sneaks it’s way through a tiny gap in the special “Dinosaur” curtains your mom made for your bedroom window. Gradually a sliver of sunshine inches across the floor and comes to rest on the T-Rex in the center of your matching “Dinosaur” quilt. The rumble in your stomach breaks the silence, reminding you that it’s time to head downstairs for breakfast; judging by the delicious scent in the air…pancakes and crispy bacon. You throw back the covers, and - still toasty warm in your “feetie pajamas”, grab your favorite stuffed animal and rush down the steps - two at a time - to the kitchen.

And then you wake up.

You’re still six… but you’re not warm at all, in fact you feel frozen to the bone. There are no special curtains and quilt, no feetie pajamas, no delicious smells tickling your nose. The only thing that’s the same is the rumble in your tummy.

You’re hungry. You’re cold. Gazing around, reality hits hard, like it has for more mornings than you can remember. And breakfast… well you’ll just have to wait until lunch.

You’re in the same clothes you wore yesterday - they’re ragged and dirty, but along with the threadbare blanket your Mom tucked you in with last night, you’re not as cold as you could be.

It’s not your Mom’s fault. Or your Dad’s. You’ve heard the words “ecomommy” and “drown- slizing” and although you don’t know what they mean exactly, you have a feeling it’s not a good thing. The one happy part is that your Dad is around a lot more now, since he lost his job.

But maybe that’s not really a happy thing. Cuz your parents whisper a lot, but they don’t know that you have Super Hero powers that give you Super-Sensitive Hearing. You’re powers are so strong that you can hear your mom cry - even when she tries to be quiet and buries her face in the stained shapeless thing she uses as a pillow.

You wish you had other powers. It would be cool to have X-Ray vision and even more awesome if you could fly. You’d put on your special cape and fly your Mom & Dad - and even your annoying baby brother and sister - to “The Planet HappEness”. That’s the place you dreamed up in your head where there’s plenty of food and clean clothes, and tears - but the happy kind, not the kind that come when you’re sad.

You squeeze your eyes shut super-duper tight and try to will yourself into becoming a Super Hero. But just like all the other times, when you open them, nothing has changed.

The hours go by slowly. Who knew it could take forever to get to lunchtime?

Finally, you hear it. The familiar horn honking. Everyone in the family scrambles to get to the door, and together you walk to the corner - heads held high because your Mom always says you have “nothing to be ashamed of - but plenty to be grateful for”.

And there it is. The bestest, coolest, most awesome thing you imagine you’ll ever see. The Salvation Army Bed & Bread truck. 

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Salvation Army Radiothon Just Two Days Away!!!

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The Beta Tau branch of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity at the University of Michigan has been suspended after a series of photos featuring nearly nude frat members draped in American flags were sent out as party invitations to a sorority. 

- I have seen the future of America…and I’m terrified.

- Somebody should have run that idea up the flag pole before they ran it up the flag pole. 

- The last person to cover up his naked body with an American Flag was Bill Clinton when Hillary unexpectedly stopped by the Oval Office. 

 ***** 

President Obama warned that if sequestration cuts go through, prisoners around the country will be let out of jail. 

- It’s commonly known as “The Lindsay Lohan Prison Policy”. 

***** 

When President Obama returned from his weekend in Florida, the issue-minded White House Press Corps asked him if he had beaten Tiger Woods on the links. 

- So instead of the usual “softball questions” they asked him a “golf ball question”. 

- I remember back when Bill Clinton played with Tiger Woods and reportedly asked him for tips on using his putter. 

*****

Warren Buffett bought the Heinz company for $28 billion. 

- It sounds like a lot, but it’s actually just over $490 million for each of the 57 varieties. 

- Buffett says he always practices “safe investing” which is why he bought a whole bunch of condiments. 

***** 

Clara Cowell, a 102-year-old British woman who still lives on her own, announced that she’s finally given up cigarettes after 82 years of smoking. 

- She didn’t want to quit, but she just didn’t have the energy left to walk a mile for a Camel. 

*****

Medical experts are saying it’s not good to hold in your, um, gas on an airplane. They say it can cause bloating and discomfort. 

- Advice like that is how these guy end up making the big bucks.

- Suddenly sitting around a bunch of screaming kids who kick the back of your seat sounds pretty appealing. 

- I can just hear the flight attendant now… “Ladies and Gentlemen please fasten your seat belts as we’re about to experience some flatulence…”

***** 

New York news anchorman Rob Morrison was arrested for allegedly trying to strangle his wife, fellow anchor Ashley Morrison. The police report paints him as an angry, screaming drunk who watches porn on the internet. 

- But that’s only when he isn’t delivering the news about other angry, screaming drunks who try to kill their wives after watching porn on the Internet. 

*****

REMINDER: We’re just two days away from the 26th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! This Radiothon is the sole fundraiser to support this vital program that feeds 5,000 men women & children in our area 365 days a year! And it shelters over 400 people a night! 

I’ll be back behind the mic THIS FRIDAY, Feb 22, from 6am to 10pm as we broadcast live from the Oakland Mall. A donation of $10 a month (that’s just $120 dollars a year) will FEED ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and earns you membership in the “Bed & Bread Club”. A donation of $20 a month (that’s $240 for the year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR! 

If you’d like to donate now, just go to salmich.org or call 1-248-528-0760. Operators are already on duty!

Feel free to stop by the Mall anytime during the 16-Hour Event, listen to it as we broadcast live on 760 WJR, or watch live streaming on WJR, as well as Channel’s 2, 4, & 7.

It’s hard to believe we started the Radiothon 26 years ago - but what’s even harder to believe is the thousands and thousands of lives that have been changed by your generosity. I know times are tough, but if you have a roof over your head and a way to feed yourself and your family, please help us out. I guarantee you’ll be glad you did!

Thanks in advance!

-Dick  

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"You Can Lead A Senator To Water...But Should He Drink?"

Some pundits believe Marco Rubio’s awkward pause for a drink of water during his State of the Union rebuttal could impact his future political aspirations. 

- Apparently the Government doesn’t like people drinking…unless it the Kool-Aid they’re handing out. 

- Stopping to drink during speeches never hurt Ted Kennedy’s career! 

*****

Stanford University geneticist Dr. Gerald Crabtree says he believes that the human race is slowly becoming dumber and dumber. 

- But with every new reality show…we’re getting dumber faster and faster.

- I believe they already made a documentary about this starring Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels.

- Dr. Crabtree says the “dumbest person on the planet” could possibly be born the day Kim Kardashian gives birth to Kanye West’s baby.  

***** 

Office Max and Office Depot are reportedly planning to merge. 

- There’s only one thing that could make those two companies join together: Staples. 

*****

A Nestle spokesman said that the complaint of glass in their Lean Cuisine dinners is unusual because their factories have a “no glass” policy. 

- But they did note that “glass is very low in calories and has no sat fat!”

- On the bright side, having a slow bleed from a piece of glass in your digestive system really speeds up weight loss! 

- This explains why “Windex” is listed as an ingredient in the sauce on their glazed chicken. 

*****

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are starting their own wine business. 

- I guess since their attempts at world peace failed, they decided to just get drunk and forget about it. 

- In related news, Manti Te’o and his imaginary dead girlfriend are opening their own dating website. 

***** 

Rhianna debuted her first fashion line, but critics called her clothes “hideous” and like a “horror show”. 

- Hey…at least she’s getting hit by the critics and not Chris Brown. 

***** 

NOTE: Don’t forget to remember that the 26th annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up THIS FRIDAY, Feb 22nd, from 6am to 10pm. I’ll be back behind the mic for the entire 16 hour broadcast which will air and be streamed live from the Oakland Mall on 760 WJR.

As many of you know, this Radiothon is the only fundraiser for the Bed & Bread Program which feeds over 5000 men, women & children every day, 365 days a year. It also provides shelter for over 400 Metro-Detroiters every night of the year. Your donation of $10 a month - that’s just $120 a year - FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR ENTIRE YEAR! You can donate right now by going to salmich.org or calling 1-248-528-0760. 

Every penny raised goes right to those who need it the most. 

Thanks so much for your support and I hope you’ll stop by the Oakland Mall, or tune in at 760 WJR. You can also watch it all unfold as it’s streamed live on WJR, plus Channels 2, 4, & 7. 

-Dick

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President's Day Today...Radiothon Friday!

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It’s President’s Day…and only 4 more before the Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon! (Details below!)

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- As is tradition, Bill Clinton will celebrate by having one of his interns deliver a pizza. 

***** 

US Airways and American Airlines are finalizing a deal to merge and create the world’s largest airline. 

- So you can look forward to a new $50 “Merger Fee” every time you fly. 

- To celebrate, passengers who fly either airline this week will get a FREE 1/2 can of pop and a pretzel.  

***** 

Facebook admitted that last month an unidentified hacker group broke into their servers, but they didn’t get any customer information. 

- Really? Then how come I got a friend request from Kim Jong Un? 

- AND an invitation to his upcoming “Missile Launch Party”? 

***** 

A Florida couple admitted to the show “Strange Addictions” that they are addicted to daily coffee enemas. 

- TIP: If this couple asks you over for coffee…SAY NO!

- This gives a whole new meaning to getting your coffee “To Go”. 

- It also gives new meaning to “Good To The Last Drop!”

- As they say, “The best part of waking up, is Folger’s in your butt!” 

***** 

The Vatican says that there will be no farewell party for the Pope when he steps down on February 28th. 

- Darn! I’ll bet they would have had some awesome party hats! 

- Of course they could just be saying that to keep the “Pope-a-razzi” from showing up. 

- The “Vatican City Chuck E. Cheese” says with the “Private Party” now cancelled, they’ll be open to the public as usual. 

***** 

Lady Gaga cancelled the rest of her tour and will undergo hip surgery. 

- Her doctors said they’re confident a nice strip steak will cover the scar. 

***** 

Latino Review reports that 70-year-old Harrison Ford has finally agreed to play Han Solo again in one of the new “Star Wars” movies. 

- He’s apparently a little confused because he kept muttering, “Luke, I am your Grandfather, right?”. 

- This movie will be slightly different as Han won’t be allowed to drive his spaceship at night. 

*****

It’s almost here! This Friday, Feb 22nd is the 26 Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon. The Salvation Army relies soley on the money raised during this 16-Hour Event to provide over 5000 meals to men, women and children in Metro Detroit 365 days a year. The program also shelters over 400 people a night. I invite you to join the “Bed & Bread Club” by donating $10 a month (that’s $120 for the year) which feeds ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR! 

To donate to this vital program, go to salmich.org or call 248-528-0760! Phones are up and running now with operators on duty to take your donation! 

You can also join yours truly live at the Oakland Mall Friday from 6am to 10pm. I’ll be on stage and behind the mic for the whole event which will be broadcast and streamed live on 760 WJR! Channels 2, 4, & 7 will also have live streaming!

Thanks in advance for your support and if you get a chance, stop by the Mall Friday and say hello! 

-Dick 

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Purtan Podcast #74: "Daughter-Swapping, Burnt Popcorn, and The Bed & Bread Club Radiothon...Oh My!"

JoAnne, Adam & Lauren stop by the set of ABC’s “World News Tonight with Diane Sawyer” before heading over to Carnagie Hall!Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast! Today I swapped out daughter #2 (Jackie) for daughter #4 (JoAnne) and her kids Lauren (12) and Adam (9). JoAnne’s not only a Mom, she’s a news anchor for Channel 7 Action News. We’ll have more of that story after the break…

No wait…that’s TV talk. And since this is just a Podcast, JoAnne reveals how she feels about watching tapes of herself delivering the news. I also tell you how Jackie and I feel about listening to old radio air-checks of ourselves on my morning show. (Hint: It ranks right up there with a colonoscopy…so to speak!) 

Performers have differing opinons on the topic… For instance, Johnny Carson watched every one of his shows to “review” his performance, while sidekick Ed McMahon refused to watch himself. He said he was afraid he would over-think what he did on the show. (I think the only thing he needed to overthink was his decision to do those commercials for the walk-in-bathtubs - and the mortgage fiasco that left him “washed up” financially!)

Then, fresh off scoring 4 goals in his Pee Wee Roller Hockey game, Adam joins us to talk about…well, whatever 9-year-old-boys talk about, and Lauren fills us in on the fascinating life of a “Tween”. Both kids recently took a bite out of the “Big Apple” when JoAnne took them to NYC to watch their dad (her husband) perform in a choir at Carnagie Hall. (Before we started recording, I asked Adam if he knew how to get to Carnagie Hall. He said, “Yeah, you take a cab.”) 

We also go public with a Purtan Family secret: JoAnne’s complete lack of cooking skills. (She can’t even microwave a bag of popcorn without the fire department showing up!)

And speaking of “heating things up” I’ll tell you how in my teenage years, I somehow managed to mix-up the party games “Spin the Bottle” and “Post Office”. (Little wonder that no girls ever swooned over my declaration that “Neither snow, nor rain, nor dark of night will keep me from kissing you in the closet). 

And with weather on our minds, JoAnne tells us “weather” Channel 7 Meteorologist Dave Rexroth is more “real” on TV or in person. 

We cap off the Podcast with a visit from Dale Johnson, my right-hand man who served as producer of my annual Radiothon for the Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club. This year’s event is coming up on Friday, Feb. 22, live from the Oakland Mall from 6am to 10pm and broadcast on 760 WJR.  

Once again, Dale will be there all morning/day/evening long - as will I. On the Podcast, Dale gives you all the info on the Bed & Bread Club that feeds and shelters thousand of Metro-Detroiter’s 365 days a year. 

As you know…I’m quite passionate about the program and hope you will join us or tune in sometime during the 16-hour event! 

So microwave some popcorn (just don’t ask JoAnne to do it), sit back, and take a listen to Podcast #74!

Have a great weekend!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #74  (45:43)

 

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Love Is In The Air...

Ah…Valentine’s Day! Hearts…Flowers…Chocolates… It doesn’t matter what you do for that special someone in your life…Just make sure you do something! They don’t call it the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre for nothing! 
Valentine’s Day always makes me think of the great romantic couples through out history…
- Antony & Cleopatra
- Napoleon & Josephine
- Bogie & Bacall
- Kwame & Christine 
and my all time favorite…
- Manti Te’o & his imaginary deceased girlfriend. If those two crazy kids can’t make love work, who can? 
In honor of the big day, I decided to post two romantic and musical videos. One features the late, great Guy Marks singing “Loving You Has Made Me Bananas” - The song I used on my Comedy Special on Channel 4. (Unfortunately, you might remember me dancing around Belle Isle dressed as Detroit-Discoverer Antione de Cadillac…but the lryics are funny). 
Then on a more personal note, I invite you to watch as Regis Philbin convinces my wife Gail to sing a love song to ME. It happened a few years back at Andiamo’s in Warren. 
Enjoy the videos and I wish you a Valentine’s Day full of romance. Speaking of which, I’m off to the gas station to get one of those fake-roses-on-a-stick. 
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#74)
-Dick

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Last Night It Was State Over UofM, and "State of the Union" Over An Hour...

There were a lot of hostile looks and elbowing at last night’s big event…

- …The same was true at the UofM/MSU basketball game. (Score: MSU 75 - Uof M 52) 

***** 

President Obama’s “State of the Union” speech lasted almost exactly an hour and had a lot of people on the edge of their seats. 

- With Biden and Boehner behind the Prez, it was like watching two of the Seven Dwarfs… “Happy & Grumpy”. 

- Boehner looked like the guy in the commercial BEFORE he takes Ex-Lax. 

***** 

At the end of his speech, Obama recognized a woman in the audience who waited in line for six hours to cast her vote in the Presidential election. She’s 102 years old. 

- She said she was thrilled with the accolade but ticked off that she waited six hours to vote and all of her dead friends in Chicago voted absentee.  

***** 

Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent. 

- Most Catholics give up things like alcohol or sweets. The Pope decided to give up his job. 

- He’s already got a new job lined up: He’s going to be a Catholic School “Crossing Guard”!  

*****

The British Royal family is upset that the paparazzi got photos of Princess Kate Middleton pregnant and in a bikini.

- They were even more embarrassed by the photos of Prince Charles in a Speedo.  

*****

REMINDER: The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is a week from this Friday, Feb. 22nd. Every penny raised during the 16-Hour event goes to feed over 5000 men, women and children everyday, 365 days a year, and provides shelter for more than 800 Metro-Detroiters every night. I hope you’ll join me live at the Oakland Mall or tune in anytime from 6am to 10pm on 760 WJR!

Many thanks in advance for your support!

-Dick

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Pope Too Pooped To Pope!

The Pope’s sudden announcement that he is stepping down at the end of February has left Catholics and just about everyone else in shock. 

- On the day of his departure, everyone at the Vatican will be treated to a farewell breakfast featuring “Eggs Benedict”.

 - Word is he’s going to write a tell-all…fortunately, it’ll be in Latin so no one has to worry what he’s “telling all” about.   

- He’s been tapped to host a new reality singing show: “American’s Who Don’t Worship False Idols”. 

- Those who upset about his resignation are referring to him as: “Pope Benedict Arnold”. 

*****

President Obama gives his State of the Union Address tonight. 

-  In order to reach out to weapon-owning Americans, the speech will open with a 21-gun salute. 

- Obama is said to be nervous about the speech, but is “thrilled” that Beyonce will be singing during half-time between the President’s address and the Republican re-buttal. 

***** 

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is bragging that he wants to test a nuclear missile - and will aim it directly at America. 

- Given his track record with missile launches, the boosters will be filled with rocket fuel and thousands of Viagra tablets. 

***** 

Today is Abe Lincoln’s birthday. 

- If he were alive today, I’ll bet his wife Mary Todd would treat him to dinner and tickets to a broadway show. 

- Who knew he was born on Paczki Day in 1809? 

*****

A poll shows that a majority of Americans are against drone attacks on U.S. Soil. 

- Unless they’re aimed at Kim Kardashian’s house. 

***** 

Frozen food manufacturer Findus recalled Lasagna in the UK after it was found to contain a significant amount of horsemeat. 

- People are also suspicious of their “Filly Mignon”. 

***** 

Witnesses told TMZ.com that they saw Chris Brown and Rihanna smoking weed together in a club after the Grammy’s. 

- It’s nice to seem him “take a hit” on something other than Rhianna. 

*****

On this day in 1964 the Beatles performed in New York City’s Carnagie Hall. 

- The audience liked them, but said when it came to long-haired music, they would have preferred Beethoven. 

*****

REMINDER: The 16-hour Salavation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up next week, on Friday, February 22 from 6am to 10pm, LIVE from the Oakland Mall. Once again it will be broadcast on 760 WJR! SAVE THE DATE!

-Dick 

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The Pope Sez "Nope"!!!

Pope Benedict has stunned the world and even his closest advisors by announcing that he will step down as Pope on February 28. The 85-year-old Pontiff said doesn’t have the physical strengh to carry out is duties. He’s the first Pope to voluntarily step down in 600 years. 

- You can’t blame him…he did wear a lot of heavy hats!

- The Pope said he will spend his retirement following his favorite baseball team…the Cardinals. 

- Picking a new Pope is a lot like watching Woody Harrelson’s house. You just wait until a lot of white smoke comes out of the chimney. 

*****

Last night Grammy’s featured a lot of boobage, despite the fact that CBS has warned perfomers to wear clothing that covered up their “Genitals, butts and breasts”.

- The two rule breakers were Katy Perry’s Cleavage-Festival Green gown and the even more buxom…Elton John’s Man-Boobs. 

*****

Beyonce shocked Red Carpet Critics when she showed up in a black and white top and black stretch pants clinging to her ample rear end.  

- She was going to borrow the strech pants from Kim Kardashian, but the tailor said it would have taken weeks to have the butt area taken-in.  

***** 

The best “Rap Performance” Grammy went to Beyonce’s husband Jay-Z, and Kanye West for “N— as in Paris”.

- How far we’ve come from “April in Paris”. 

- In an eerily familar move, Kanye jumped up on stage and announced that “Beyonce’s husband had the greatest video of all time!”

*****

The “Best Dancing Recording” award went to Skillex featuring Sirah for their hit “Bangarang”.

- Wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s campaign theme song? 

*****

The second family in a week has come forward claiming that Donald Duck didn’t hug their child at Disneyland because they’re black. 

- Maybe he was afraid of a sexual harrassment suit since, let’s face it, the guy doesn’t wear pants! 

***** 

Brown University announced that the student health insurance plan would now cover sex change operations. 

- Let’s just hope the kids who take advantage of it live in a Co-Ed dorm. 

- The new policy is known as “Really Changing Your Major”. 

- One parent was excited saying, “I never got letters from my son…but daughters are so much better at staying in touch!” 

- You won’t know who had the operations until graduation day when students wear nothing under their robes.  

***** 

On this day in 1554 Lady Jane Grey was beheaded after being Queen of England for only nine days. 

- Apparently she didn’t listen to Anne Boleyn who told her never to tell the King that she was “Head over heals” in love with him!  

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget the Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Club 16-Hour Radiothon - 6am to 10pm - live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 WJR. It’s coming up on Friday,  February 22! SAVE THE DATE!

-Dick

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Purtan Podcast #73: "History vs. Herstory?"

“Well the weather outside is frightful…but my new Podcast is so delightful…” How could it not be delightful when we welcome back “Mr. Positive” himself, former “Purtan’s Person” Jim Ochs to the table? 

Before we are barely underway, Jim announces that he has to use the restroom - giving Me and Jackie the chance to debate who did the best “Casey Kasem” imitation on my show - without making Jim feel bad. 

His imitation of “White Fang” does, however, provide us with the #1 and #2 reasons I get nervous inviting him to participate!

With the Oscars coming up…we talk about what appears to be the frontrunner…”Cornstarch”…I mean “Argo” and how it will fare against my personal favorite, “Lincoln”. Ironically, Jim’s belief that men like historical pictures while women prefer flicks featuring bare-chested men (ie: “Magic Mike”) sets off a verbal Civil War between Jackie, Jim and me that had me thinking we were going to end up at the Appomattox Court House!

We also reveal today’s most bankable actress…and least bankable actor. (Is it any wonder I co-starred with him in a movie???) Plus we give our opinions on which movie was best, the original “The In-Laws” with Peter Falk and Alan Arkin or the remake starring Albert Brooks and Michael Douglas. (Hard to believe the man married to Catherine Zeta Jones is playing Liberace in a new movie, but he is!) 

Then we switch from the silver screen to the computer screen to tell you about a new way internet scammers are using YOU to get your friends to open ads for a wide range of things. (Let’s just say my daughter JoAnne was a bit suspicious when she received an ad for a male-enhancement product allegedly sent to her by Jackie!) 

I also come clean about a wildly popular TV series that I don’t watch because, frankly, I can’t understand the accents. 

What I do understand is the need for your support for this year’s Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon coming up on Friday, February 22nd! I will be there for the entire 16 hour event…once again broadcast this year on 760 WJR. Remember…this is THE ONLY fundraiser for this critical program that feeds more than 5000 Metro-Detroit men, women & children everyday of the year, and shelters over 800 a night! More details to come in our next Podcast! 

So take a break from shoveling your driveway and tune in as we shovel a whole bunch of stuff on Podcast #73! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back hear Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #73: “History vs. Herstory?” (36:14)

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Iron Out, Cat In...In Monopoly!

Hasbro announced that after nearly 80 years, they’re replacing the miniature “Iron” game piece in Monoply sets with a cat to make the came more “relevant” to today’s young people. 

- If they want to make it more relevant, don’t use a cat…use a miniature video game controller. 

- In a related story, the “Community Chest” card will now feature the picture of a porn star with fake boobs. 

***** 

The Post Office announced that to save money, they plan to end Saturday mail delivery. 

- Great! Now I’m not going to get the flyer announcing Gardner White’s “Super Sunday Everything-Must-Go Sale” until Monday. 

- So a stamp may be “Forever”…but Saturday delivery? Not so much. 

***** 

Gun enthusiasts say the photo of President Obama skeet shooting is a fake because the gun is pointed eye-high. 

- In Washington, “skeet” is another word for “John Boehner”.  

***** 

A new smart phone app is being developed that would allow your plants to “talk” to you and remind you water them. 

- Of course if you own a Cactus plant don’t expect to hear from it anytime soon. 

- This is way better than the “Venus Fly App” that reminds your plant to eat your hand if you don’t water it. 

***** 

CBS issued a warning to performers on Sunday’s Grammy Awards not to wear clothing that exposes genitals, buttocks or boobs. 

- Lady Gaga has assured them that her sirloin dress will cover all the important parts. 

- So Kanye West will be allowed to make an ass of himself…he just can’t show his on camera. 

***** 

Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced that his wife is pregnant. 

- So apparently he’s got more than a great arm. 

- He also announced that Beyonce will be performing between the the second and third trimesters. 

- It’s gonna be a little weird when he makes all the dads slap each other on the butt after LaMazze class. 

***** 

The NFL hasn’t decided if there will be a halftime show during next year’s Super Bowl because for the first time, the game will be played in a cold climate in a uncovered stadium. 

- Instead of a halftime show they can just have a hockey game. 

***** 

On this day in 1943, Shoe rationing was announced in America during WWII. It limited civilians to three pair of shoes per year. 

- People told the government to “put a sock in it!”

- The only person non-affected by the move was “Shoeless Joe Jackson”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast (#73)!

-Dick

 

 

 

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No Lights! Camera! Action!

Officials are investigating what caused the power outage during the Super Bowl. In what should have been a clue that something was wrong, the lights in the Superdome blew out twice during Beyonce’s halftime show rehearsals. 

- I guess she figured it’s harder to tell if you’re lip-syncing if the whole stadium is dark. 

- The reason the lights were out for 34 minutes was it took time to call the guy in India who told them how to fix it.  

*****

John McCain was accused of racism for a joking Tweet that compared Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to the monkey Iran allegedly sent into space. 

- Personally I think Mamoud looks more like a baboon’s butt…or a horse’s ass.  

*****

A new study suggests that Neanderthals died out 15,000 years earlier than we thought. 

- But a small group of them still lives today…They’re known as “The Detroit City Council”. 

***** 

Using DNA, British archeologists confirmed that they found the bones of 15th century King Richard the III buried under a parking garage. 

- So it only took about six hundred years to find King Richard the III…which means we’ve got about 550 years left until they find Jimmy Hoffa! 

***** 

A family in Brazil says they found their pet tortoise that went missing 30 years ago alive in their home’s attic. 

- They say he ran away to join a “Turtles Tribute Band” but apparently never made it out of the house. 

- Talk about a shell-tered existance! 

***** 

“American Idol season 12 contestant Matthew Farmer admitted that he lied about being wounded by an IED in Afghanistan and that he has always had a problem telling the truth. 

- And we’re supposed to believe that? 

- The first clue that something was amiss came during his audition when his pants spontaneously caught on fire. 

***** 

Mike Tyson said that Lance Armstrong is “an awesome human being”. 

- Well if that endoresement doesn’t get his Tour de France medals reinstated I don’t know what will! 

- Boy that Tyson can really chew your ear off…literally.

***** 

On this day in 1901 the Loop-the-Loop centrifugal roller coaster was patented by Ed Prescot. 

- in 1902 his picture was featured on all bottles of Dramamine. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

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Oh Brother! What A Game...

What a great game! Superbowl LXVII - the first “Big Game” featuring two brothers as head coaches - came down to the last minute of play. When all was said and done, Baltimore pulled it out 34-31 over the 49er’s giving older brother John Harbaugh the win over his younger brother (and former U of M QB) Jim Harbaugh. 
I’ll admit I was pulling for Baltimore and here’s why: Years ago, I had an audition for an on-air radio job in San Francisco which the program director of the radio station gave me the old “thumbs down” on. A year later, I was offered a job in Baltimore, which I took. They fired me five weeks later, claiming I was “too wild for the town”. So I only made it about two hours in SF and a whole 5 weeks in Baltimore so I sort of, kind of, consider it a “hometown team”. 
As for the commericials… I was partial to the Jeep “Whole Again” spot featuring the voice of Oprah Winfrey and music that was stirring and perfect with “Band Of Brothers” feel to it. 
And then there was the Go Daddy commercial with a supermodel sloppy-kissing a certified nerd, that probably looked good on paper but was a little too much. Although I will say the star model, Bar Rafaeli was better on camera than she was on paper! 
If you had a favorite or one you thought was not-so-hot, click on the comment button above and let me know! 
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 
-Dick

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Purtan Podcast #72: "Nabor-hood Gossip & More!"

Welcome to February and a frenetic new Podcast (#72). Today, Jackie and I are joined by former “Purtan’s Person” Jim Ochs. Jim did character voices on my show for years including my agent “Sol”, “White Fang”, and the King of Music Countdowns, “Casey Kasem”. 

Speaking of music…we talk about Barbra Streisand’s decision to perform on this year’s Oscars for the first time in 36 years. (Her assistant…I mean husband… James Brolin talked her into it), plus “Here Comes The Bride” - or in this case “The Grooms” - with Jim Nabors not-so-shocking announcement that he is gay and has married his partner of 38 years. Well Gooooolllllyyyy! 

Also on the relationship front…we touch on Ashley Judd’s impending divorce from race car driver Dino Franchitti (apparently she got tired of driving around in circles) and the man who pretended to be Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o’s fake-deceased-girlfriend who has now admitted that not only was she a he, but she/he fell hopelessly and romantically in love with Manti.  

I also reveal who I’m pulling for in Sunday’s “Harbaugh Brother’s Super Bowl of Sibling Rivalry”…and why I have a special affinity for six specific NFL teams. 

We also talk about Chicken Wing Sauce, what quitting smoking by age 44 can mean to your lifespan, and I’ll tell you about a guy who stole a pick-up truck to try and stop his ex-girlfriend’s wedding to another guy. (If it sounds like a movie…it probably will be and we’ll tell you which actresses we think should play the female lead!) 

So kiss January goodbye and forge into February with Podcast #72. Like the movie “Ground Hog Day”, you can listen to it over and over and over…

Have a great weekend and Go _______’s!  (You have to listen to fill in the blank!)

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #72

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Sharon McPhail-ed To See Kwame Korruption?

Former counsel to and foe of Kwame Kilpatrick, Sharon McPhail will testify for the defense in his Federal Corruption Racketeering trial. McPhail, who once accused Kwame of rigging her massage office chair to electrocute her, says she’s comfortable testifying and that she was so busy working, she didn’t see anything illegal going on. 

- I believe her! She was way to busy watching all the illegal stuff going on in the City Council

- She’ll testify while sitting in a specially designed electric massage witness chair. 

*****

Dr. Phil says that Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the man who masterminded the fake dead girlfriend hoax on Notre Dame’s Manti T’eo said that T’eo was in no way involved in the scheme but that he “fell deeply, romantically in love” with Manti. Manti, however, maintains that he himself is not gay. 

- I’m not sure which is worse, finding out that your imaginary girlfriend is dead, or that she’s alive, is actually a man, and is in love with you. 

- If this guy wanted a football player to make a pass at him, he should have gone after a Quarterback.

- If Notre Dame had a strategy as ingenious as this guy, maybe they would have beaten Alabama. 

*****

Former Vice President Dick Cheney turned 72 on Wednesday. 

- His family was going to throw his a surprise party, but his cardiologist put the kabosh on that. 

- Cheney ended up having dinner with a few close friends, then went quail hunting and accidentally shot ‘em in the face. 

***** 

A study from Madrid found that the more housework husbands do, the less sex they have. 

- Unless they’re Arnold Schwarzenegger who has sex with the maid while she’s doing the housework. 

***** 

Iran has begun using a new amputation machine to publicly cut off the fingers of convicted thieves. 

- It can cut off a finger and still slice a tomato “this thin!”.

- Ironically, now all the human finger-cutter-off-er’s are going to lose their jobs and will have to start stealing themselves.  

***** 

Barbra Streisand has agreed to sing on the Oscars for the first time in 36 years. 

- She’ll do an updated medley of her hits including, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowmax” and “The Way We What?”. 

***** 

On this day in 1928 the 3M Company first marketed Scotch Tape. 

- That’s their story and they’re sticking to it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick 

 

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Spring Has Sprung...

Okay…Spring may not be here to stay - but it’s stopped by for a visit. Unfortunately, unlike relatives over the holidays, it’s not staying long. Regardless, I’m proudly putting on my black socks and sandals. (A great look anytime of the year!) 

*****

Police in Connecticut arrested a 71-year-old woman on prostitution charges. 

- This finally explains why they call it “The World’s Oldest Profession”. 

- She puts the “Walker” in Street Walker. 

*****

A Pennsylvania man was buried with a Burger King Whopper after his funeral procession stopped at the drive-up window. 

- His ex-wife showed up during the eulogy and yelled, “It should have been a Whopper Jr.!” 

- In a similar story, another man was buried at sea…along with a McDonald’s Fillet ‘O Fish. 

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be giving a series of motivational talks in Australia. 

- Well he’s certainly an expert of things “Down Under”. 

- He’s really trying to clean up his act. Wait…doesn’t he have a maid for that? 

*****

It’s estimated that the family dog is the cause of at least 150 family arguments a year. 

- Most of which begin with the words “It wasn’t me…”

*****

In an interview with NBC, country singer Mindy McCreedy denied shooting her boyfriend to death. 

- You can hear all about it in her new song “I Didn’t Shoot My Boyfriend To Death”. 

*****

Ashton Kutcher was hospitalized after going on a fruit-only diet while preparing for a movie role where he plays Steve Jobs. 

- I thought an Apple a day was supposed to keep the doctor away.

- He was so dehydrated, EMT’s immediately put in an iV. 

*****

On this day in 1933 the radio series “The Lone Ranger” made its radio debut. The program originated on WXYZ radio here in Detroit. (I worked there from 1968 to 1978).

- The Lone Ranger and his “faithful Indian companion” Tonto, got along well…except they disagreed about the country’s immigration policy. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

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Obama "Punts" On Football.

President Obama said that if he had a son he probably wouldn’t let him play football because it’s too violent. 

- Besides, if his son went to Notre Dame, he wouldn’t want him bringing an imaginary girlfriend to dinner at the White House. 

- Obama should know…he’s the one who walks around carrying a “nuclear football”. 

- The real violence will kick in when Michelle sees the fat-laden 27-layer dip Joe Biden’s bringing to the White House Superbowl Party.  

*****

Hillary Clinton is wearing special glasses to prevent double vision after the fall that left her with a concussion. 

- Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is wearing special glasses that allow him to see through women’s clothing. 

***** 

The Boy Scouts of America is considering lifting the longtime ban on gay members and Scoutmasters. 

- So instead of S’mores…Boyscouts will now sit around the campfire making Baked Brie on a stick. 

***** 

Lance Armstrong turned down a slot on “Dancing With The Stars”. 

- That’s what he says, but frankly I’m not sure I believe him. 

- Instead, he’ll star on a new reality show: “The Biggest Liar”. 

***** 

Hugh Hefner’s secretary of 40 years died on Sunday. The cause of death is not known. 

- But a Playboy Mansion insider said she was crushed to death when Hef’s Little Black Book accidentally fell on her. 

- She not only managed Hef’s schedule…she babysat all of his girlfriends…and wives.  

***** 

The National Institutes of health reported that most of their research chimpanzees will be retired. 

- Most will move to a condo complex in Florida, but four of them are going to launch a “Monkee’s Tribute Band”. 

***** 

A new UC-Berkley study has linked age-related memory loss to sleep deprivation. 

- I’m not sure…but I have a vague recollection of being up all last night worrying about it. 

***** 

On this day in 1933 German President von Hindenburg appointed Adolph Hitler Chancellor. 

- If only he’d celebrated by giving Hitler a free ride on his blimp, he could have saved the world a lot of trouble. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

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