The Vatican has announced that following his retirement on Thursday, the Pope will be known as “Emeritus Pope” and will continue to wear his white cossack.
- Apparently that whole “no white until after Memorial Day” doesn’t apply to the Pontiff.
- “Emeritus Pope” sounds like a character in one of those British Films that critics love and I don’t understand.
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Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, the man who issued stern warnings to Americans agains drugs, cigarettes, fatty foods and unprotected sex has died at 96.
- If only he’d followed his own advice he could have made it to 100.
- His family wanted him creamated, but he said the smoke would be bad for them.
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Thefts of toilet paper have forced a library in Trenton, New Jersey to ration it by having the staff hand it out to library visitors who need to use the facilities.
- Thus marking the first time in history people don’t have to be told to whisper when asking the librarian a question.
- They got the idea from a library in England that uses the “Huey, Dewey & I Have To Go To The Loo-ie” decimal system.
- The toilet paper is the only thing in the library that they don’t ask you to return.
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Kim Kardashian recently announced on her reality show that if she were a man, she like to have sex with…wait for it…HERSELF.
- She also added that if the sex led to marriage, she would like totally make herself sign a pre-nup.
Speaking of Kim and sex…the “Master Unedited Sex Tape” of her, kept locked in a Hollywood producer’s vault, almost when up in smoke when his office caught on fire over the weekend.
- The producer managed to save Kim’s tape, but threw the Master copies of all of Eddie Murphy’s movies into the flames before firefighters arrived. (Except for “Beverly Hills Cop III”!)
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Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler told an Australian TV program that his cocaine addiction used to be so strong that he snorted half of Peru.
- In an random act of kindness, he left the other half of Peru for Lindsay Lohan.
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Danica Patrick made history Sunday when she became the first woman driver to start the pole at a Sprint Cup Race. She had a shot at winning, but ended up coming in 8th.
- If only she hadn’t stopped for directions!
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On this day in 1870, New York City’s first pneumatic-powered subway line was opened to the public.
- And was shorted-out that afternoon when a guy peed on the tracks.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick