Today's Almanac

On this day in 1803, history’s biggest real estate deal, the Louisiana Purchase was finalized. France signed over 828,000 square miles of land to the U.S. for $15 million, or about 3 cents an acre.  

- The deal was handled by the “19th Century Real Estate Co.”   

And speaking of getting things for “a steal”… You can still get your copy (copies!) of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” for just $19.99! It benefits Operation Homefront and Honor Flight: The Legacy Project, two outstanding Michigan Military charities that help veterans and their families, both past and present. To order the greatest stocking stuffer since Joe Namath slipped into a pair of pantyhose, just click on the blue CD ad on this website! It’s easy, affordable and full of 40 of my favorite cuts from my last few years on the air! 

Have a great day, I’ll see you back here Wednesday… now start shopping! 

-Dick 

Time Is Running Out...

Last day for FREE Super Saver Shipping on “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD with 40 (yes 40!) cuts! It’s a great way to stuff your stockings, and at just $19.99 it’s cheap, uh, affordable, and benefits two great Michigan Military Charities! Just click on the blue CD ad to make sure you get yours in plenty of time for the big day… and order before midnight tonight to get FREE Super Saver Shipping! (Big announcer voice: Some restrictions apply).  

Kim Jong No Longer "Ill"... Actually "Dead"!

The world is mourning (huh?) the death of longtime North Korean dictator Kim Jong Ill. According to official North Korean reports, the “Dear Leader” died of heart failure on a train following “great mental and physical strain” from a “high intensity field inspection”.  There will be a ten-day mourning period leading up to his funeral on December 28th. During that time, no “entertainment” will be allowed and no foreign dignitaries will be invited to attend the service “who might wish to convey their condolences”. 

- Which means Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can stick with their original Christmas vacation plans.  

- The North Korean people will also fast for ten days… which is the basically the same thing they’ve been doing for the last ten years. (Actually a lot more than that but who’s counting?) 

- His funeral will be followed by the traditional Korean Funeral Brunch featuring “Schnauzer Sausage”, “Collie Kebobs”, and “Poodle Popovers”.

"The Son Also Rises..."

Kim Jung Ill will be succeeded by his third born son, 24 year-old Kim Jung Un. Just hours after his father’s death, Un reportedly ordered the the firing of a series of test missiles. 

- Un is just asserting his independence.  His dad never let him drive at night or have the keys to the missile cabinet! 

- I feel bad for the kid.  His dad left some pretty big elevator shoes to fill! 

What's In A Word?

An annual Marist Poll asked Americans which words they find the most annoying. Seven percent hate it when people say “Seriously.” 11% chose, “Just sayin’.” 19% despise “You know,” and 20% dislike “like”.  But far and away the most annoying word — for the third year in a row — with 39% of the vote was “Whatever.”

- To which I say… Whatever! 

- 18% hated it when Herman Cain kept referring to himself as “Herman Cain”.  

- My pick for the #1 most annoying word:  “Kardashian”! 

But They Can't Drive Their Little Deuce Coupe At Night!

Brian Wilson and the other surviving memebers of the Beach Boys announced they’ve put all their lawsuits and bad blood behind them and are planning a big 50th anniversary reunion tour. 

- They say they’ll have “Fun, Fun, Fun ‘til their Doctor’s take the Viagra away!”

- To stay current, they’ve updated some of their classics including:

- “In My Room… At The Nursing Home”. 

- “Help Me Rhonda… I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up”.  

- “I Get Around… With The Help Of My Electric Scooter-Chair”. 

-  “Barbara Ann?  Who The Hell Is Barbara Ann?”

- “I Haven’t Felt A ‘Good Vibration’ Since The EMT Jolted Me With A Defibrilator!”

More Horrifying Than A Trip On "The Titanic"?

Next April, Carnival Cruise Lines will present the world’s first horror-themed cruise.  It’s called the “Tides of Torture” cruise, and is billed as the first horror convention at sea.  For $699 a piece, passengers get to mingle with the stars of movies including “Machete”, “Halloween”, “Hellraiser” and “Friday the 13th”.  There will also be horror movie screenings and a “Dance of the Dead”. 

- “Dance of the Dead” summed up Kate Gosselin’s entire run on “Dancing With The Stars”. 

- If you want a real horror cruise, sign up for one of Rosie O’Donnell’s trips.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1843, “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens was first published in England.  

- He didn’t make any money on it so he accused the book publisher of scrooging him. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #23: Things Are So Crazy... We Should Be Sent To A Home For The Holidays!

If you think Santa covers a lot of ground on Christmas Eve… check this out!  My special Pre-Christmas “Podisode” touches on everything from soup to chestnuts. Bill Clinton joins us to complain that neither he, Hillary, nor any of his girlfriends made Barbara Walters’ “10 Most Fascinating People of the Year” list, and I relay the story-behind-the-story of something hilarious that allegedly happened on the Jay Leno Show. Plus,  I’ll tell you a CLEAN joke you can share at your office party that’s actually FUNNY! And we even have a special musical guest! (Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like Jackie’s ten-year-old son Charlie playing “Three Blind Mice” on the recorder!) All that, plus more stuff than you’ll have in your “gifts to return” pile on December 26th!

   

And speaking of gifts… now is the perfect time to order your copy (or copies) of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD! It’s loaded with 40 of my favorite character bits and conversations from the last few years I was on the air.  And at just $19.99… it’s a fun, inexpensive stocking stuffer for anyone you know who was a fan of the show!

But wait… there’s more!

Order by Monday, December 19th, and get FREE Super Saver Shipping! (restrictions apply).  

Just click on the blue CD ad to place your order and guarantee you’ll have it in your hands before Rudolph finishes carbo-loading for the long flight! 

Then pour yourself a cup of egg nog, (egg-white nog in my case), sit back and enjoy the Podcast! 

Purtan Podcast #23:  Things Are So Crazy… We Should Be Sent To A Home For The Holidays!

-Dick 

Special Holiday Announcement From Amazon!

Here’s an early Christmas present for you… Amazon.com has extended it’s FREE Super Saver Shipping when you purchase of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD unitl next Monday, the 19th! That means you can get your copy (or copies) of the CD - filled with 40 of my favorite character bits and other funny stuff from the last few years of my show - for just $19.99 - with FREE SHIPPING!  (restrictions apply).

And you’ll have it in your hot little hands before Santa even leaves the North Pole!  To give you an idea what you’ll find on the CD, just click on the link below to hear a sample. It’s a conversation I had with Jack Stewart about his synchoronized swim team and it goes a little something like this…

A Gay Old Time With Jack Stewart  (1:52)

Barbara Walters Weveals Most Fascinating Pwrson of 2011! (And No, It's Not Donald Twump!)

Last night, Barbara Walters aired her “Most Fascinating People of 2011” special. In additon to those already announced including Herman Cain, Donald Trump, The Kardashians and Pippa Middleton, Barbara revealed the most fascinating person of all: Apple CEO Steve Jobs.  This came as a big surprise since the rule has always been that to make the list, you had to be alive.  Walters said she’d already picked Jobs before his death and decided to follow his philosophy that “rules are made to be broken”. 

- Or as Babs said, “Wules ah made to be bwoken”.

- I’m sure Steve Jobs would rather be dead than know he was on the same list as the Kardashians. 

- Babara wasn’t able to get an actual interview with Jobs from the afterlife… apparently there’s NOT an app for that! 

Judge Praises Lindsay Lohan - No One More Shocked Than Lindsay Lohan.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was back in court, and for a change, she was actually praised by the judge, who noted she’d actually done more then the minimum 12 days of community service required in the first month. 

- The judge also praised Barbara Walters for NOT including Lindsay on her list of “The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2011”. 

- Sounds to me like “somebody” got a look at those leaked naked photos of Lilo’s Playboy spread. 

The Teacher's (Heavy) Pet?

The recent annoucement that Austria would soon open the world’s first international sex school, offering “hands -on lovemaking lessons” has turned out to be a hoax.  The alleged “Headmistress” of the school, is actually a Swiss artist, and the story was concocted by an advocacy group that’s trying to bring attention to Austria’s low birth rate.  

- If Austria wants to increase it’s birth rate, they should invite Arnold Schwartznegger back home and give him a key to the city. 

- It would have been the first school in history where the students were begging for homework!

BREAKING NEWS: Weather Forecasters Wrong!

Two of America’s top hurricane forecasters at Colorado State Universtiy annouced that they will no longer issue hurricane season forecasts in December, six months before the season starts.  After reviewing their previous 20 years of forecasts, they realized that they had “no predictive value at all”. 

- Duh! 

- Most meteorologists can’t tell us what’s going to happen this afternoon, let alone six months from now. 

- Meteorologists everywhere immediately lowered their Dopplers to half mast.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect.  

- And the very next day Betsy Ross nearly gave George Washington a heart attack when she became the first woman to publicly bare her arms! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with Podcast #23! 

-Dick 

Diamonds Are An Auctioneer's Best Friend!

Some items from Liz Taylor’s vast collection of personal jewelry went on the auction block at Christies Auction House in NY yesterday… with some pretty astounding results.  A 33.19 carat diamond ring given to Liz by her two-time husband Richard Purtan, uh, Burton… sold for $8,818,500 to  a private buyer from Asia. It was estimated to go for between $2.5 and $3.5 million.  Also, a single pearl purchased by Burton for Taylor for $37,000 in 1969 sold for $11,842,500 - setting a world record. 

- I almost had the pearl… but I set my limit at $11,842,480 because I needed the extra &19.99 to buy “The Best of Purtan” CD! 

And btw… Today, (Wednesday!) is your last chance to get FREE Super Saver Shipping on the CD, “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10”. You read me right… order by midnight tonight and you get FREE shipping! At just $19.99, the CD makes a great stocking stuffer for anyone on your list who was a fan of the show. What’s on the CD you ask? 40 of my favorite never-before-released cuts from my last few years on the air. You’ll love it and you’ll laugh your family jewels off! 

They're Already Lining Up To Protest Times "Person Of The Year"...

Time Magazine announced their “Person of The Year” on the Today Show this morning, and the winner is… “The Protester”.  They say that Governments have failed America and the world and that real leadership comes from “the bottom of the pyramid”.  

- Each of the protesters will receive a copy of the magazine and a bar of Dove soap. 

Trump Bumps Himself From Debate... But Sez He Might Still Try For Prez!

With only New Girgrich and Rick Santorum agreeing to  appear in the debate he was set to host, Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he’s pulling out as moderator.

- Newt only agreed to appear because he figured Trump would bring some really hot looking babes to the event.  

Meanwhile Trump says Republicans want his assurance that he won’t run for Prez as a third party candidate, but he released a statement saying sometime after the final episode of “The Apprentice” airs on May 20th, he will decide whether to run. Until then, he said, “I must leave all of my options open because, above all else, we must make America great again!” 

- If he wants to make America great again, cancelling “The Apprentice” would be a good start! 

- Just in case he does run, Trump has already dug up the original copy of his birth certificate… proving he was born on the planet Krypton. 

FCC "Turns Down" Advertisers!

The era of leaping for the remote to turn down blaring commercials is coming to a close. Tuesday, the FCC voted unanimously that starting next December, TV stations have to play commercials at the same volume as the shows they interupt.  

- But the commercials are so much more entertaining! 

- The FCC also upheld the longstanding rule that men are legally entitled to hold the remote at all times.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1911, Norweigian explorer Roald Amudsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating out an expedition led by Robert F. Scott.  

- Scott would have have made it first if only he hadn’t stopped for a quick bite at the Antarctic Cracker Barrell! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick