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"Where's the Beef?"

A law firm in Alabama has filed a class action lawsuit against Taco Bell, claiming that the food chain is engaging in false advertising by saying that its tacos are filled with beef.  They say it’s actually “taco meat filling” containing only 36% beef, and the rest is “extenders” such as water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, corn starch and “Isolate Oat Product”.  They say the USDA defines beef as “flesh of cattle,” and want Taco Bell to start using the term “taco meat filling”. 

- This could shake up the whole meat industry… I can just hear it now, “Flesh of Cattle… It’s What’s For Dinner!”

- Do they really think drunk frat boys who go to the Taco Bell drive-thru at 2a.m. care what they call it? 

- “Isolate Oat Product” has always been one of my favorites.  

- Why not just stick with the bean burrito… it’s the cheapest gas in town!

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What Ever Happened To "My Grandma Died"?

A poll by a health care company found that women are more likely than men to take sick days and are more willing to give a bizarre excuse.  56% of women admitted calling in sick when they weren’t, compared to only a third of men.  The excuses women gave included:  My dog fell and broke all its legs; I was away all weekend and my cat really missed me and I need to spend the day with him; I’m locked in my house; I forgot I worked there; and I can’t find my shoes.

- The bosses didn’t fall for the “I can’t find my shoes” excuse because being a woman she probably has about 50 more pair in her closet.

- The shoe excuse did work for the men, since most men only have one pair of shoes. 

- If she forgot she worked there, how did she know who to call and say she wouldn’t be in?

BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE! JUST CLICK ON “PAGE 2” BELOW

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"The Most Unemployed Person In The World!!!"

Keith Olbermann’s Progressive fans were shocked when he announced last Friday that it would be his last show on MSNBC.  They quickly began spinning rumors on the Internet, but apparently, the truth is that Keith quit after a contentious, yearlong contract negotiation hampered by his demand for an increase in his $7 million yearly salary and ticking off too many co-workers. 

- But he seemed like such a nice guy!

- Rush Limbaugh immediately proclaimed:  “Mission Accomplished!”

- He was going to take a spin on “Dancing With The Stars” but it turns out he’s got two left feet!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

 

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"Hello, my name is Dick and I'm a Googler"

One of the greatest things about not having to get up so early in the morning anymore is that I can stay up late and watch movies.  I love ‘em. Always have. But it occurred to me last night as I was watching one of my favorite films, that I wasn’t actually watching it.  

Let me explain. As soon as I flip on the TV, I’ve developed the habit of putting my laptop on my… well, my lap! Anyway before the opening credits are done rolling, I find myself “Googling” the movie, one of it’s actors, whatever.  

Case in point:  Last night I turned the TV on and caught the last two-thirds of the original Pink Panther starring Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau and David Niven as the jewel theif, Sir Charles Lytton.  Within two minutes I was entering “Pink Panther” to get some background.  

I learned that the movie had been written as a vehicle for David Niven… but when the director, Blake Edwards (the late husband of Julie Andrews), saw how funny Peter Sellers was, he switched gears and added a lot more scenes featuring Sellers.  

As the movie continued to play, I googled “Peter Sellers” and found out that he was incredibly angry when he didn’t win an Academy Award for his three roles (The President, a British Air Force Officer, and a Nazi scientist) in “Dr. Strangelove”.  

 

Back on the TV, there was a scene playing featuring David Niven.  I remembered something about his first wife dying tragically, so I went back to the laptop and headed over to Wikipedia.  It was all there.  “After a whirlwind two-week romance in 1940, Niven married Primula Susan Rollo, the aristocratic daughter of a British lawyer. The couple had two sons, David Jr. and Jamie. Primula, whom he called Primmie, died at age 28, only six weeks after moving to the U.S., of a fractured skull and brain lacerations from an accidental fall in the home of actor Tyrone Power. While playing a home-party version of “hide and seek”, she walked through a door believing it led to a closet, instead, it led to a stone staircase to the basement.”  

Clicking over to IMDB.com (the Internet Movie Database) I learned that Niven was so devastated by his wife’s death, that he attempted suicide and was helped through the period by his good friend Clark Gable, who had lost his wife Carole Lombard in a plane crash.  (She’d been on a tour of the U.S. promoting the sale of War Bonds during WWII).

Some of the movies I’ve “watched” and then Googled the stars names are:

- Meryl Streep, Russell Crowe, Robert Mitchum, Angelina Jolie, Jimmy Stewart, Burt Lancaster, Bette Davis, George Clooney, Steve Martin (never saw his version of the Pink Panther), Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Daniel Craig, Laurel & Hardy, and that great actor from Beverly Hills Cop III, Dick Purtan.  (My non-award winning 11-second voice-over role).  And the list goes on… 

We’ve come a long way since “The World Book Encyclopedia”, card catalogs, and the Dewey Decimal System. We can now find out about just about anything, or anyone, in an instant.  Which is pretty amazing!  

I will admit, however, that using the computer and the Internet while watching a movie can take away from certain little things, like say… the plot! 

 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday morning!

-Dick

 

 

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And Then They Had Almond Boneless Chicken...

In a joint press conference yesterday, President Obama pressed Chinese President Hu Jintao to even the balance of trade between the U. S. and China by telling him, “We want to sell you all kinds of stuff”.

- Most of that “stuff” has stickers on the bottom reading “Made in China”.

- He also tried to sell him on “Obamacare”… but the Chinese President didn’t like it any better than the new Congress. 

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"It's A Small World... NOT!"

Walt Disney World has announced plans to update and double the size of “Fantasyland”, which will include a new place to interact with Disney Princesses. 

- Lindsay Lohan was a Disney Princess and you couldn’t pay me enough to “interact” with her.

- For 50 Disney Dollars you’ll be able to get a lap-dance from Cinderella!

- Snow White is said to be thrilled… she can finally dump the dwarves and find a guy tall enough to let her wear high heels again!

- Originally they were going to double the size of Epcot, until they realized there were no new countries to add. 

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36 Is The New... EVERYTHING!

Forget tummy tucks… according to experts, the latest trend in plastic surgery is the “year zero face”.  Instead of trying to look younger, women are getting their faces professionally “done”, then frozen!  Younger women get plumped and sculptured while older women get polished and tightened, and they all get regular touch ups, injections and Botox to keep them looking the same forever.  That way nobody ever notices them aging because they look about 36 from age 23 on.

- Maybe it’s just me, but I think Betty White looks closer to 40.

- Show me a 23 year old female who wants to look 36 and I’ll show you an 18 year old male who’s dying to get Erectile Dysfunction!

- When Joan Rivers heard the news, she didn’t flinch… because she can’t!

- There isn’t enough Botox on the planet to make this work on Helen Thomas. 

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Behind Every Great Man... Is A Noxious Cloud

Marc Higgins of Bristol, Connecticut, is facing charges of fatally stabbing one man and injuring three others during an altercation that began with his flatulence.  Witnesses say Higgins got very drunk on beer at a party and was flatulent “throughout the evening” causing one woman to become so angry, she slapped him.  Higgins stormed off but returned with four knives and stabbed two people.

- Hadn’t they suffered enough already?

 - If this had happened at the symphony, it would have been considered “Classical Gas”.

- His lawyer is going with the “He Who Smelt It, Dealt It” defense. 

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Nobody Nose Where Dad Went!

Five people aged 18 to 19 were arrested in Florida in connection with a string of home robberies.  They admitted that while robbing one home, they found what they thought was cocaine and snorted it.  It was actually the powdered, cremated ashes of the homeowner’s father and her two Great Danes.

- Cops said as soon as they were in the interrogation room, the suspects just “rolled over”.

- Prosecutors are gonna drag the five suspects to jail… on their butts  across the carpet.

- The cops knew the five guys were guilty of snorting the father’s ashes because they kept yelling, “Hey you kids… get off my lawn!”

BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE OF TODAY’S NEWS ON PAGE 2!  JUST CLICK BELOW!

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The University of Wasted Money?

As high as tuition is, what are students getting out of college?  Not much according to a University of Missouri study of over 2300 undergrads.  They found that during the first two years, students tend to go to big, auditorium-like classes, that require little work and cover things they already studied in high school. 

- My personal story is a little bit different.  My first year in college consisted mainly of looking at girls.  My second year in college consisted mainly of looking at girls.  My third year in college consisted mainly of looking at girls.  And in my fourth year… I married one of ‘em! 

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We Walked Up Hill Both Ways And We Liked It!

The unusual cold wave that recently hit much of America has prompted schools to set policies on how cold it must be before students aren’t allowed to go outside for recess.  Those temperatures range from 40 degrees in North Carolina to 15 below in International Falls, Minnesota.

- In the Buffalo where I went to school, the cold didn’t matter… they only called “snow days” if the drifts were higher than 30 feet!!!  

 

Have a great day and I’ll you back here tomorrow for my “Friday Blog”!

- Dick

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"Knock, Knock"... "Hu's There!"

Tonight, the Obamas will host a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao.  Symbolism and protocol are so important to the Chinese, they’ve been trying for 5 years to get the invite.  China is even running a commercial on the Jumbotron in Times Square to boost its image among Americans.  The White House has been tight lipped about details of the event.

- This will be the first “All You Can Eat Buffet” State Dinner in White House history.

- Diners will have two entrees to choose from on Column A and Column B.

- Sasha and Malia will provide the entertainment… they’ll play “Chopsticks” on the piano.

- The only easy decision was to serve dinner on the good china instead of paper plates.   

- In honor of the occasion, Keith Olbermann will refer to his network as MSG-BC.

 

 

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Read This Story, And An Hour Later You're Gonna Want To Read It Again!

After two weeks in business, the Modern Toilet Restaurant in China has surprised critics by becoming a hit – especially with college students. The toilet theme includes urinals as wall decorations, dining chairs converted from toilets, and toilet-tailored menu options, including the “Toilet Bowl Hot Pot”.

- One patron said the food was “fit for a king”… which it should be since your sitting on a throne when you’re eating it.

- To stay up with health codes, there are signs posted in the kitchen saying, “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Going To The Restroom”.

- Finally!  A restaurant where you can sit by yourself reading the paper without everyone thinking you’re a loser.

- And to think naysayers said the owner was “flushing his money down the toilet”. 

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"From Seacrest to Shining Seacrest"

American Idol debuts tonight with some big changes.  Gone are 3 of the judges – Kara Dioguardi, Ellen Degeneres and of course, the man everyone loved to hate, Simon Cowell.  The only remaining judge, Randy “Dawg” Jackson will be joined by Jennifer Lopez and Aerosmith’s lead singer, Steven Tyler.  Also… the contestant age limit has been lowered to 15 to try and snag the Justin Beiber “tween” audience. BTW, Ryan Seacrest will be back.  

- I can’t wait to see who’s going to wear more make-up… The female contestants, JLo or Steven Tyler!  

- Ryan Seacrest is kind of like VISA… he’s everywhere you want to be.  Heck, he’s just plain EVERYWHERE! 

- Is it just me or is American Idol without Simon Cowell is kind of like World War II without Hitler? 

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Turns Out, Cougars Are Animals!

Men’s Health magazine conducted a poll that men might actually find useful.  They polled 1400 women between 29 and 49 to find out which ones were most likely to have sex on a first date.  The answer?  The cougars.  29% of women in their 40’s said they’d “go all the way” on a first date compared with 28% in their 30’s and just 17% of twenty somethings.  Researchers believe it could be that older women enjoy sex more.

- Or maybe they’re just grateful that someone asked!

- I guess this explains Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.

- In a related story, 100% of men would have sex with a woman of any age 100% of the time. 

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I Thought That Only Happened In Kentucky?

Police in Italy say they have discovered the tomb of notorious emperor Caligula.  Historians describe him as “perverted and insane”.  Among his achievements:  He reportedly slept with his sister, killed for fun and tried to appoint his horse to the Senate before being killed by his own guards at 28. 

- He made Uday and Qusay Hussein look like Wally and Beaver Clever! 

- We’ve sent a lot of horses to the senate… or at least a “certain part” of the horses. 

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At Least You Could Sue Yourself For Malpractice!

The Chicago company Medline says it was a mistake that it’s $264 gastric bypass kit made for hospitals ended up for sale on Amazon.com.  Amazon removed the listing Monday and a company spokesperson encouraged people who bought the kit to return it for a refund and urged them not to try to perform gastric bypass surgery on themselves.

- Rats!  Now Oprah has to think of something else to give everyone in her audience during today’s taping!

- Luckily there are no reports of injuries since most of the patients knocked themselves out with anestheic before they had a chance to cut themselves open.

- To the company’s credit… they did include a copy of “Gastric Bypass Surgery For Dummies” in every box.

 

 

Have a great Wednesday and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

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BREAKING NEWS:

Regis Philbin is retiring.  He announced on his show this morning that after 28 years as the host of Regis and Kathy Lee/Kelly he’s moving on.  He’s 79 and says he will step down sometime this summer. 

- Very carefully!

(More on this story as soon as we can come up with some good punchlines!)

And now on with the news…

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More Leaks Than A Bladder Control Convention...

 Monday, a former Swiss bank employee handed over two CDs to Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.  He claims the discs contain details of the secret Swiss bank accounts of over 2000 wealthy people and corporations, including “pillars of the community” like biz leaders, celebrities, politicians and organized crime bosses, all trying to evade taxes.  Wikileaks will review the CD’s, and if they check out, they’ll begin releasing the info in a couple weeks.

- I wonder if Jimmy Hoffa is on the list… he was a “pillar of the community”… now we just don’t know which pillar he’s in. 

- Lucky for me, I’ve hidden all my money in secret off-shore accounts in the Bahamas!

- I haven’t been this excited since Kanye West released his new CD/DVD… although personally I think Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time! 

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"Honey... You're Breakfast Isn't Ready!"

German researchers say they’ve disproven the theory that eating a big breakfast will curb your appetite later in the day and help you lose weight.   They followed 400 people for several weeks and found that the big-breakfast eaters ate no less for lunch or dinner than those who ate a light morning meal.  On average, they ate 400 or more calories a day, just from the big breakfast. 

- They could have saved a lot of time and money by just following Big Al around. 

- Well there go my plans to go to IHOP for my usual “Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity Pigs Patooty” pancake and bacon breakfast! 

- Models everywhere are panicked!  Now they’re going to have to cut their breakfast raisin in half.

 

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