Will There Also Be An Octopus' Garden?

The German aquarium that used to house “Paul the Psychic Octopus” who predicted World Cup winners have exciting news.  They’ve announced plans to build a shrine for fans that will include a statue of Paul and a golden urn containing his ashes. 

- His widow, Mrs. Psychic Octopus, is against it, saying she “just can’t wrap her arms around the idea”. 

- The statue will be anatomically correct so visitors will be able to see Paul’s Tentacles. 

- The family of “Marvin the Mind-Reading Manatee” feel totally snubbed.

"Gee My Hair Looks Horrific!"

Jennifer Aniston can’t understand why her haircut on “Friends”, “The Rachel”, took America by storm because it was “the ugliest haircut she’s ever seen.”

- Rod Blogojevich immediately agreed!

BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE OF TODAY’S NEWS!  CLICK THE PAGE “2” BUTTON BELOW!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1912, English explorer Robert F. Scott and his party reached the South Pole, only to discover that Roald Amudsen had beaten them to it.

- They knew it when they arrived and found Roald with his tongue stuck to the pole.    

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

They Couldn't Twitter The Winners Fast Enough!

Sunday night the Golden Globes were handed out in L.A.  “The Social Network” – the movie about Facebook – was the big winner, taking the Best Picture and Best Director prizes.  “Glee”, the show about a bunch of high schoolers who spontaneously burst into song, won three Globes including one for Best Television Series.

- So the Best Movie winner was about Facebook and the Best TV Show features a bunch of kids who use “MySpace”.  This soooo deserves an article on Wikipedia! 

Ricky Gerv-ASS???

The Globes were hosted by British comedian Ricky Gervais and his lines and jokes were met with a mixture of laugher and uncomfortable silence.  Here’s just a sample of his remarks.

In talking about the controversy that the Hollywood Foreign Press can be bribed, Gervais said, “They weren’t bribed.  They were taken to a Cher concert.  How the hell is that a bribe?” he asked.  “Do you want to go and see Cher?  No.  Why not?  Because it’s not 1975.”

Then he noted that Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor were not nominated for the movie “I Love You, Phillip Morris”.  He said, “They were only pretending to be gay unlike two famous Scientologists.”(Apparently alluding to the long-rumored sexual orientation of Tom Cruise and John Travolta). 

While introducing Robert Downey Jr. Gervais said, “He’s best known from facilities like The Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail”.   When he came on stage Downey quipped, “Aside from the hugely mean-spirited and mildly sinister undertones, I’d say the vibe of the show is pretty good don’t you think?”

What do you think?  Post your comment by clicking the button above or on our Facebook page!

She's Way Smarter Than, Like, Such As, Miss Teen South Carolina!

Saturday night in Las Vegas, Teresa Scanlan became the first Miss Nebraska to win the Miss America pageant.  She hopes to become a politician someday, but if she ran for office today, she couldn’t even vote for herself.  Scanlan is only 17 making her the youngest Miss America since 15-and-a-half year old Mary Bergeron won the crown in 1933.

- Of course with “mass media” what it was back then,  Mary had to give up her crown after a pencil sketch of her naked was found tacked to a tree.   

- For the “talent” portion of Sunday’s competition, 17-year-old Scanlan brought out her Driver’s Ed teacher to confirm that she can parallel park… most of the time.

- Her “platform” was shoes. 

- When asked what she wished for, she answered, “World Peace and that Justin Bieber would drop his total bitch of a girlfriend and ask her out”.

- LITTLE KNOWN, TOTALLY UNTRUE FACT:  Larry King was a judge at both the 1933 and 2011 pageants.  

The State Of The Union? Musical Chairs!

For years it’s been traditional for the two parties in Congress to sit in separate sections during the President’s State of the Union speeches, so you can see his supporters jumping up and applauding after every sentence while the other party sits stone-faced.  But in the spirit of “overcoming partisan divisions,” several members of both parties are pushing a proposal that would mix-up the seating, so Dems and Repubs would sit amongst each other in “a show of unity”.

- You Lie!

- They also want everybody to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya” before the President’s speech.

- Who knows?  By the end, Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner could become BFF’s!

They're Caf-Fiends!

Starbucks has announced that it’s biggest drink size yet – the 31 ounce “Trenta” will makes it’s debut in all of it’s U.S. coffee shops by May 3^rd. The “Trenta” will only be available for iced coffee & iced tea based drinks and is 7 ounces larger than the “Venti” the largest size now available. 

- The announcement was made on “Jitter”, um, I mean “Twitter”.

- A Starbucks spokesman said company officials lost a lot a sleep over the decision… or maybe it was the test “Trenta” mocha iced coffee with caramel syrup and a triple shot of espresso they all had at the board meeting.

- Next up:  the IV-enti where they just hook you up to an IV pole and drip the caffeine directly into your veins.  

- 31 ounces works out to be about 4 “bottomless cups of coffee”.

BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE!  TO FIND OUT IF “CLOWNING AROUND” CAN REALLY GET YOU PREGANT, CLICK ON PAGE “2” BELOW!

Ten Fingers, Ten Toes & A Big Red Nose!

The secret to getting pregnant could be a visit from a clown! 

An Israeli medical center followed 219 women who were undergoing in-vitro fertilization.  Immediately after the procedure, half of the would-be-moms were treated to a “medical clowning encounter” in which a hospital clown did 20 minutes of jokes and magic tricks.  36% of the women who were visited by the clown got pregnant compared to only 20% of those who weren’t.  Doctors theorize that laughter might release stress and make it easier for the embryo to attach.

- You should see little “Bozo Goldfarb”… he’s adorable!

- A lot of the women who became pregnant after the visit from the jokester had multiples.  The OB/GYN said, “They just came coming out… like clowns out of a tiny car!”

 You know what they say, “Big, floppy shoes, big…

Dick

P.S. Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

The Stars Come Out Tonight...

Tonight’s the night… the big Charity Preview of the North American International Auto Show.  

This is the first time in a good many years that I, along with Purtan’s People won’t be broadcasting live from the event - and hosting the gala to raise money for Children’s Charities afterwards.  How do I feel about that? Frankly, I’m torn.  It was always great to be part of such a huge event in Detroit.  Even in the tough years (the worst of which are hopefully behind us!) it was always interesting to interview the automotive big wigs.  And, of course, there were the local politicians and celebs.  Over the years we interviewed everyone from Governor Granholm (who was less than happy when I accidentally called her “Jen”) to Magic Johnson… to even the rather flamboyant “Ross the Intern” from the Tonight Show. The highlight in recent years was chatting up his dis-honor, Kwame Kilpatrick. (He was always wearing those pin-stripe suits (so slenderizing!) on those nights as opposed to the orange jumpsuit he’ll be wearing at the Prison Gala this evening!) 

And the list goes on… One of the most challenging parts for me was talking to automotive engineers.  You know, the guys who could spend an entire evening talking about Pistons. (And I’m not talking about the guys who play at the Palace). I love cars.  Love to look at ‘em. Love to drive ‘em.  I’m just not really an under-the-hood kind of guy.  Give me a good radio, heated seats and a steering wheel and I’m good to go.  

The Charity Preview is considered by many the “Oscars” for Detroit… and that means a lot of glamour. For me… one of the best parts of the evening was looking at the ladies in their amazing dresses - which ranged from floor length to barely-there.  Wow!  Jackie, Rebekah and Dana used watch the crowd and play “First Wife-Second-Wife”.  Their theory was, the shorter the shirt and the lower the neckline the greater chance it was wife number two. As for the men, we all pretty much looked the same.  

All in all it was always a great evening and I was happy to be part of it.  

Of course there was a downside… 

What follows is a list of comments made by the girls when I asked what they wouldn’t miss about attending this years event.

- Hiding underneath our broadcasting table to continually adjust their strapless bras that somehow kept heading south. 

- Enduring the pain (and miracle!) of control top pantyhose.  Apparently it’s hard to be elegant and funny with an elastic waistband digging into your mid-section.

- Wearing strappy high heels on what always seemed to be one of the snowiest, iciest nights of the year.  Follow that with what seemed like a six mile walk through Cobo to get to our broadcast site and, as John Candy famously said in “Planes, Trains & Automobiles”, “My dogs are barking today!”

- Realizing that there’s not enough make-up in the world to make yourself look as good as an auto show model.

- And of course… there was Big Al’s never ending battle to shove the neck-extender under his collar to accommodate his ever expanding sub-chin girth.  

 

My biggest problem was the blowing out of my eardrums, since I was wearing headphones and many times our broadcast location was only 30 or 40 feet away a from rock band that one of the auto companies had hired to entertain the crowd.  I don’t remember them ever taking a break!

To wrap it up, I should mention the big irony that took place every year we were down there, broadcasting the Black Tie Gala.  Since we had to be on the air for 2 hours and then immediately catch a bus to another location to host the Post-Gala Children’s Charity event… we never got to see any of the cars!  

- Dick

Luckily, The Hokes On Us!

A big maize and blue welcome to new Michigan Head Coach, Brady Hoke.  Hoke, who comes most recently from San Diego State is no stranger to the Wolverines.  He served for eight years as Defensive Live Coach under Lloyd Carr.  During his press conference yesterday, the new Big Guy (literally and figuratively) of Michigan football said that this is his “dream job”.  He said money was not an issue… in fact he said it wasn’t even part of the negotiations.  

Hoke has worked with several programs and turned them around.  It’s worked for him in the past, let’s keep our fingers crossed that he can restore the Wolverines to their former glory.

With the first kick-off a long way off, he’s already got a full plate.  First up:  Recruiting the “right” players and of course, trying to retain the amazing, record-breaking QB, Denard Robinson.  

From the enthusiasm he showed yesterday, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he’s already hard at work right now.  

"Say Cheese!"

The German firm “X-Pire” is about to introduce a new software program that they claim will end the era of embarrassing things staying on the Internet forever.  Before posting a photo to Facebook or any other site, you can run it through their program which adds an electronic key with an erase date embedded in the file.  Once the date expires, the server blocks the photo from ever being seen - so your embarrassing photos will disappear from the Internet. 

- Hopefully this will work on videos too, so eventually we can forget that “Jersey Shore” ever existed. 

Here’s a picture we wanted to get out there before the X-Pire software goes on the market. 

The Clowns Didn't Even Have A Tiny Car!

A touring circus in Belarus was so bad that locals complained to the police.  The posters promised “jugglers and midgets, fantasy heroes and performing animals.” But the audience called the cops during intermission to complain that the performers appeared to be drunk, and were dropping their juggling balls and repeatedly falling off their bicycles.  

- Police later identified the drunken ring-master as David Hasselhoff.  

- It’s not surprising some of the “performing animals” were a dissappointment… they were Lions flown in from Detroit. 

- Apparently kids over there just don’t like Cotton Candy that’s actually made of cotton. 

- Ironically, police said the audiences unruly behavior created a “circus like atmosphere”.  

Imagine If She'd Been Beaten By "Meatballs"

In his debut interview, Larry King’s replacement, Piers Morgan got Oprah Winfrey to make quite an admission.  The Queen of Talk admitted that she blamed the homicidal doll Chucky for making her pig-out on mac and cheese.  Oprah said that when her movie “Beloved” debuted in 1998 and was crushed at the box office by “Bride of Chucky,” she didn’t even know what Chucky was.  But she was so depressed, she had her chef whip up some mac ‘n cheese and, “I ate about 30 pounds worth.  I’m not kidding!”

 - So we can safely assume that Chucky is not one of Oprah’s “Favorite Things”!

- This of course led to the creation of the restaurant “Chucky Cheese”.  

- And we should be surprised by this because??? 

In a not-really-related story…

The tabloids were all abuzz with rumors that the producers of “Three And A Half Men” were worried Monday that Charlie Sheen hadn’t returned from a weekend in Vegas with three porn star girlfriends at the porn video awards.  But Charlie’s rep said he’s fine and was back at work Tuesday.

- And we should be surprised by this beause???

"Does This Dress Make Frasier's Butt Look Big?"

TMZ.com claims that Kelsey Grammer’s estranged wife Camille told fellow “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast members that Kelsey was a cross-dresser.  But when pressed, she denied saying that and said that Kelsey’s “very much a man”.  

- A man who she plans to take to the cleaners… and not just to pick up his Vera Wang Cocktail Dress.   

- If Kelsey is a cross-dresser, he and his new 20-something fiance can share clothes!  

- Of all the guys on “Cheers” I would have put my money on Cliff the Mailman as the one in a dress.  

Have a great Thursday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!  

- Dick 

We Say Goodbye to A Great American Hero

Dick Winters has died at the age of 92.  His heroism was captured in the famous “Band of Brothers” TV mini series based on the book by Stephen Ambrose.  Dick was a great leader who rose to become the commanding officer of Easy Company of the 506 PIR, 101st Airborne Division in World War II.  His unit landed on D-Day, fought at the Battle of the Bulge and all across Europe, right up to Hitler’s Berchesgarten at the war’s end.  (My wife’s aunt’s brother, Skip Muck, was a member of the unit and was killed at Bastogne).  We all have our heroes…Dick Winters was my Number One.  Rest in Peace.

Today we also say farewell to the last remaining member of the original “Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet Show”, David Nelson, who has passed away at the age of 74 after battling colon cancer.  Dave was the older brother of teen idol Ricky Nelson who was lost in a plane crash in 1985 at the age of 45.  Dave went on to become a successful producer and director.  I’m reminded of the age-old show biz question…What did Ozzie Nelson really do for a living on his show?  We may never know!

"Sex?"..."No thanks, just a pat on the back will do."

A study about “self-esteem” indicates that today’s young people require regular praise just to survive.  A professor at Ohio State University asked 282 students to rate various pleasurable activities, such as getting a paycheck, seeing a friend or eating a favorite food.  They rated receiving a compliment and getting a good grade higher than any other activities, including eating and having sex. The professor said he was stunned because he tried to list everything he thought a college student would like, and they still preferred having their egos stroked. 

The students preferred having their egos stroked…as long as it was by somebody of the opposite sex.

Apparently this means that “Animal House” wasn’t a documentary! 

What gave the Ohio State students the most pleasure?  Beating Michigan in football!  Here’s hoping new Wolverine Head Coach Brady Hoke can change that!

Vanilla Ice Gives Madonna the Cold Shoulder

Back in 1991, white rapper Vanilla Ice was dating Madonna, and he’s finally revealed to a British tabloid why they broke up.  He claims it was because of her notorious photo book, “Sex.”  He said, “I thought she was taking pictures and running around naked because she was like that,” but he was “embarrassed and ashamed” to discover it was “porno” and his photo was in it.  Ice said, “We were in a relationship,” but the book made it look as if she were having sex with all these other people.  He called it “disgusting,” “cheap” and “slutty.”

Today  “disgusting”, “cheap” and “slutty” are part of Madonna’s Facebook profile.  (Actually, “Disgusting”, “Cheap” and “Slutty” are three of Charlie’s Sheen’s 7 Dwarfs)

So Vanilla Ice didn’t think Madonna was having sex with other people?  Hmm, I have some swampland I’d like to sell him in Florida.

"Cat Got Your Tongue?" No...a Pole Did!

Firefighters in Woodward, Oklahoma, rushed to a middle school, where an 8-year-old boy’s tongue was frozen to a metal stop sign pole.  They poured water on it to free it and took him to a hospital for treatment.  Asked why he touched the frozen pole with his tongue, he said because his older brother had dared him to do it.  

Why doesn’t this happen to our politicians?…Oh that’s right, they don’t believe in “poles”.

As punishment, the older bother will receive a week’s worth of wedgies and purple nurples from his kid brother.

True story…My beautiful bride Gail got her tongue stuck on a pole when she was 4-years old and in kindergarten.  Which raises a point.  I was 5 years old when I was in kindergarten.  Which explains why Gail beats me night in and night out at “Wheel of Fortune”!

"It'll Be A Cold Day In..."

Geoscientists from Scotland’s University of St. Andrews say they have evidence that will disprove the “Snowball Earth” theory; the idea that 600 million years ago, the planet was completely encased in ice a kilometer thick. They say rocks in Scotland show that even during the coldest period, the ocean water wasn’t frozen, which means that some parts of the Earth always remained unfrozen.  

The scientists did agree however that “Hell” would freeze over once the Lions won the Super Bowl.  (Although we are starting to get a small glimmer of hope!)