"Not Exactly the Bird of Paradise!"

An electrician from Taiwan has sued his neighbors for teaching their mynah bird to curse him because he complained to the police that they were too loud.  Wang Han-chin claimed that every time he leaves home, the talking bird calls out, “Clueless, big-mouthed idiot!”  He said this distressed him so much that he can’t concentrate at work.

This gives new meaning to giving someone “The Bird”.

A mynah bird with a “fowl” mouth, go figure.

The bird is so obnoxious that it’s going to be featured with Snooki on the next episode of “The Jersey Shore”.

Happy Birthday Wishes Today!

Can you believe Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh share a birthday?  Howard is 57, Rush 60.  Howard celebrated this morning by getting women to bare their breasts on his show, while Rush celebrated by calling all democrats “boobs”.

And it’s hard to believe Kirstie Alley turns 60 today.  I can remember when she was just a little girl. 

Time to get out of my “birthday suit” and get some clothes on.  It’s cccccold out!  See you back here Thursday!…Dick

My Take On Tucson

Here’s what we’ve learned about the shooter:

- Agents believe he developed a “festering and irrational hatred of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords” after she failed to answer a nonsensical question he asked her during a similar rally in 2007.  The question was:  “What is government if words have no meaning?”

-  He was expelled from a community college in Tucson after five encounters with campus police.

- He was arrested twice in separate drug and graffiti offenses.

- Many of his classmates say he made them feel “uncomfortable” and feared that he would show up in class with a gun.

- Many of them thought he was on the verge of a violent breakdown.

- Many who knew him believed that he was mentally ill.

- He would smile incessantly and break into laughter at inappropriate times. 

- A classmate said he was a “left-winger”.

- Others said he was non-political.

- Some say he was a member of a anti-Semitic fringe group.

- He was obsessed with the Mayan apocalyptical prophesy that the world will end in 2012.

- His backyard shrine contained a skull and candles indicating that he might have been involved in Satanic rituals. 

- He was upset that the countries monetary system isn’t based on the gold standard.

- He was fixated on the government using grammer as “mind control”.  (Which would seem to tie back into the question that he asked Gabrielle back in 2007)

After looking at this list and then listening to the commentators and political types giving their opinions as to why this obviously mentally-ill individual did what he did, it appears to me, that sadly, most of their explanations are framed and designed to advance their own political agendas! 

And now… for a look at the lighter side of today’s news, scroll down!

They Don't Read The Laws They Pass!

An annual survey of the top 75 U.S. metropolitan areas named Washington, DC, as the most literate city in America.  The study is based on the number and frequency of use of libraries, bookstores, newspapers, magazines and the Internet. 

- The city council of Columbus, Ohio immediately demanded a recount saying, “There ain’t no way those numbers is korrect!”

- I would have guessed the most literate city would have been Reading, Pennsylvania. 

These Days, Hef Really Does Only Read It For The Articles!

Hugh Hefner is taking back his Playboy Empire.  He’s still the largest shareholder and he’s reportedly struck a deal to pay $207 million to buy the remaining shares and make Playboy private again.  Although the magazine has been steadily losing money, Hef says he wants to turn it around and pass it on to his two sons when he dies.

- Those are two lucky boys!  Most guys have to settle for finding their dad’s stash of old issues in the back of his closet.

- The sons of the guy who owns “Reader’s Digest” said, “Life just isn’t fair”. 

- Hugh will be the only guy in history who’s Will features a pull-out centerfold of his naked widow.

Bye-ByeSpace?

MySpace, the social network that used to dominate the Internet, has fallen so far that they are laying off over half their staff of 1,000 today in a last-ditch effort to survive.

- Everyone at Facebook is LTAO!

- They should remame it “LieSpace” and give everyone a place to post fake pictures of themselves and make up lies about how great they are… no wait, we’ve already got “Match.com”.  

"The Lonely Goatherd(er)"

Police in Kretzyn, Poland, stopped a 54 year old man who was three times over the drunk driving limit and were stunned to find that he had a live goat for a passenger.  He told the cops he’d been lonely and gone to a friend’s farm to meet a female goat.  He had a few vodkas to “break the ice” and after a few more, decided to take the goat out on a date.  He may face prison time.

- I’d love to be a fly on the wall the first time an inmate asks him, “So whataya in for?”

- The man insisted there was no sex… Apparently he was willing but the goat was sheepish.

- If you really want to romance a farm animal, you should try putting perfume on a pig!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Too Sad Too Talk About...

Needless to say, the tragedy in Tucson over the weekend has left us all shaking our collective heads.  Since it’s all over the news, I thought we’d give you something a little lighter to help take your mind off the mind-boggling event.  Needless to say, our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families.  

"Love 4000"

Andre Agassi was presiding over a charity auction of an autographed dish in Taiwan, and to get the bids up, he offered to show the winner a naked photo of his wife Steffi Graf on his cell phone.  A man ended up paying over $4000 for the dish. 

- Big Al had a similar experience once when he paid big bucks for a plate with a nude picture of Helen Hunt on it… but ended up getting a plate featuring a naked picture of Helen Thomas.   

I Feel Like I'm Drugged, Eh?

 

Researchers at McGill University in Canada may have discovered why some people get so obsessed with music. They hooked up 217 subjects to monitors who claimed that they got “chills” listening to their favorite tunes.  As they listened, their bodies showed a reaction like a rush of physical activity and their brains released dopamine, the same pleasure chemical that comes from eating good food, making money or taking psychoactive drugs.  

- It turns out the people who had the drug-like reaction while listening to Lady Gaga actually had taken drugs. 

- In my radio days, I always got a rush when I played “My Baby Does the Hanky Panky”  It was a rush right to the bathroom to throw-up!  (In truth, everytime it came up on the playlist, I skipped over it and played something else!)

- If President Obama ever releases an album, Chris Matthews will probably overdose.  

OMG!

Some people on the Internet are panicking over a false news report that Mark Zuckerberg is under too much stress and “wants his old life back”, so he plans on shutting down Facebook on March 15^th.  The story actually originated in the Weekly World News, the bizarre tabloid that brought us “Batboy”.

- I was so depressed when I heard, I changed my profile picture from my face to a bottle of Prozac.

- Thank God it’s not true!  How could I possibly keep up my fake friendships with all those people I’ve never met?

 

"You Make Me Feel So Young... And Look So Old!"

Listen up Hugh Hefner:  German researchers have found that most people are able to guess someone’s age fairly accurately when they see the person alone or with people of the same age.   But when test subjects saw an older person with a much younger person, the contrast made them estimate the older one to be much older than they really are.  Younger people with older partners were judged to be much younger than they really were.  

- So an eighty year old man who’s dating a 25 year old looks ninety?  Something tells me he couldn’t give a rats patoot. 

"My Declaration of Annoyance!"

Yesterday, House Republicans kept their campaign promise to read the Constitution out loud.  But that doesn’t mean Congress members actually paid any attention to it.  Some members groused that they were “fetishizing” an old document.  Now that rules have just been changed to allow the use of personal electronic devices on the floor, some of them busied themselves sending Twitter Tweets.  But one moment of drama came during the reading of the clause that says nobody but a natural-born citizen can be President, and a woman in the Gallery yelled out, “Except Obama!  Except Obama!” and had to be removed. 

- Mrs. Obama later apologized for her outburst!

Kind of amusing, but pretty damn disheartening as well.    

I think that most Americans love this country – with all of it’s flaws and blemishes.  I fly my flag.  I am awed by, and grateful for, the men and women who have and continue to serve in our Military.  I vote.  (except for the contestants on “American Idol” and “DWTS”). I stand and put my hand over my heart when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I’ve taught my kids to do the same.  I know this country isn’t perfect, but when I look around the world… I’d say it’s the best thing going!

I can’t imagine that - if today’s technology had existed back in the 1700’s when an extrodinary group of men (and the women behind them!) came together to produce the blueprint for our country, this same “Twittering” would have been going on.   

Imagine Ben Franklin Tweets to Thomas Jefferson:  “Don’t tell J. Adams, but Abigail is HOT”.

Jefferson Tweets back:  “OMG… I’m into B. Ross.  She flies my flag if u know what I mean”.

Nor can I imagine John Hancock listening to the hot new single from England by King George’s cousin, “Lady GaGa”.  Or Alexender Hamilton paying his horse-lease online while the Constitution was being debated. Or George Washington “tweeting” Martha to remind her to pick up some furniture polish for his teeth.

I realize the world has changed.  But I also find it disrespectful and in poor taste that some of the people we elected to uphold our countries Constitution, couldn’t even take the time to listen to it Thursday.

They should have forced themselves to do it… like I was forced (for years!) to listen to Minnie Ripperton’s “Loving You” and Maria Muldaur’s “Midnight at the Oasis”.  It just goes with the job!   

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!

- Dick 

Dazed and Blue...

So Rich Rod is gone.  While I certainly understand the decision by Athletic Director Dave Brandon, I feel bad for the coach on a personal level.  We had a good relationship to the extent that I talked to him every Friday morning on the air his first two seasons.  I always tried to keep the conversations informative and yet friendly and entertaining… I wasn’t trying to be a sports reporter putting him through the ropes.  I didn’t see that as my role.  

Since things weren’t going so well with the team during most of that time, I guess he appreciated my approach to our talks, because when I retired last March, he sent me and the morning team all sorts of Michigan merchandise including official jackets, warm-up suits, sweatshirts, etc… He even sent two bonafide Michigan Helmets autographed by himself, and then A.D. Bill Martin.  

And so the Rich Rod experiment is over.  Back three years ago, Michigan purposely wanted to change their style of play and make it a much more wide-open game.  Rich obviously accomplished that on the offensive side, but the lack of defense didn’t measure up and was the undoing of him and the team. 

He and his family have been through three extremely tough years at Michigan and although I think he’s a very good football coach, as proven by his time at West Virginia, (where they came within one game of playing for the BCS Title Championship), things just didn’t workout in Ann Arbor.  

A lot of people are saying that “Rich Rod didn’t fit” - but had their been more wins, I think those same people would be saying “He fit like a glove”!

I wish him good luck no matter which school’s gridiron he lands on! 

Today’s Almanac

Speaking of getting the ax, on this day in 1540, British King Henry VIII married his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves. They split six months later. 

- Not her head from her body, as was his habit… the marriage was annulled.  

And finally, on this day in 1942, the “Pacific Clipper” landed in New York, becoming the first commercial airplane to fly round-the-world.  It took over 200 hours.  

- 201… if you count the full body scan and pat down!  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with “The Week That Was”!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Nancy, John & A Bill

The 112^th Congress convenes today, meaning Nancy Pelosi has to hand over her “Speaker of the House” gavel to Republican John Boehner.  

- We’ll still have a bunch of boobs in Congress… but the leader’s won’t be nearly as big as we’re used to.

The new Republican House members plan to waste no time in setting a new “cost cutting” style and undoing as much of the last two years as possible.  They’ve already written a bill to repeal the entire 2,500 page Obamacare bill.  It’s just two pages long, including the title page. 

- They were going to send it out on “Twitter” but they were over by three characters!

You Can Ask, You Can Tell, But You Can’t Make Videos!

Capt. Owen P. Honors has been fired as commander of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier for producing and appearing in raunchy, humorous videos to be played on shipboard TV.  The Pentagon says crude sexual innuendo is not appropriate for today’s sailors.

- As opposed to every sailor since Christopher Columbus.  

- I think they could have chosen a better word than “innuendo”!

- He’s already been offered a job as the navy guy in the Senior Touring Company of “The Village People”.

- I remember when Captain Boblo got into the same trouble and was transfered to a dingy in Lake St. Clair.

Can We At Least Put Our Tray Table In It’s Full and Upright Position?

Britain’s Civil Aviation Authority is refusing to renew the license of Mile High Flights, a charter service that takes couples in a specially equipped Cessna so they can join the Mile High Club.  Officials say they’re not making moral judgements, they just believe sex in the sky might distract the pilots.

- Nonsense!  The pilots are way too busy having sex with the flight attendants!

- Besides, the pilots are already distracted by the drinks they had in the airport bar before they took off.  

- So now I guess frisky fliers will just have to settle for the full body scan and extreme pat down.

A Hairy-Tale Ending…

University of Pennsylvania researchers believe they’ve discovered the root cause of male pattern baldness.  They say the stem cells that produce new hair are there, but are defective and produce hairs so small they’re invisible to the naked eye.  They’re working on a cream to help grow larger hairs.

- In the meantime, they’ve introduced a new shampoo for folic-ley  challenged men:  “Gee Your Invisible Hair Smells Terrific!”

- So apparently, if you look at Big Al’s head through a microscope, you’d see he actually has more hair than Rod Blagojevich.

Taylor’s Been Swift-Boated?

Taylor Swift may be pretty, talented and successful but when she’s on the cover of magazines those issues don’t sell well.  A media spokesperson said that Taylor doesn’t have the type of narrative people like to follow, like Kim Kardashian, and that, “the days of being a nice person and just looking pretty on a cover are behind us.”

- So this finally explains why the issue of “Glamour” with Monica Conyers on the cover didn’t sell well! 

I Wanna Marry a Woman Just Like The One Who Turned Into Dear Old Dad!

Stick with me on this one… Czech TV reports that 15 years ago, Ilona Tomeckova left her husband and young son to move away and have a sex change operation.  Once “Ilona” became “Dominik”, he fell in love with a woman named Andrea who used to be a male body-builder before having sexual reassignment surgery.  When Dominik contacted his old husband, he was stunned to learn the the son he had given birth to when he was a woman, was having a sex change to become a girl.  

- Friends and relatives say, “He has his fathers nose and his mothers…….!”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Disney Introduces New Character:  “Gropey”

A Pennsylvania woman who says Donald Duck groped her at Disney’s Epcot Center in Florida can have her day in court.  April Magolon’s claims that the character grabbed her breast as she held her child at the Park and then joked about it. 

- Apparently she took offense after Donald groped her chest and began singing, “It’s a Small World Afterall”.

- Shouldn’t her first clue have been the fact that the guy wasn’t wearing any pants?

- It’s gonna cost a fortune to defend Donald… luckily, Disney will be footing the Bill.

- Since this happened in Epcot, why didn’t Donald just flee five steps over to France and fight extradition?

Brown Is The New “In The Red”

Yesterday in Sacramento, Arnold Schwarzenegger stepped down as Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown was sworn in (again) as Governor of California.  To emphasize the “painful choices” that will have to be made to close the state’s $29 billion budget gap, his inaugural lunch was hot dogs.

- Followed by “totally groovy” hash brownies.

-  former girlfriend Linda Rondstadt performed “When Will I Be Loved?, to which 72 year old Jerry replied, “Just as soon as I get my prescription refilled”.

- With the mess California is in, this was the only time in history former Governor Schwarzenegger said, “I WON’T be back!”

She Prefers Coke to Pepsi… 

Lindsay Lohan finished her court-ordered rehab stay and left the Betty Ford Center Monday.  Her mother had claimed that Lindsay planned to stay for another week of treatment and classes because she was so serious about getting clean and sober.  But, true to form, Lindsay walked out the second she was able and didn’t say where she was going.

- Of course she didn’t say where she was going, she didn’t even know where she was!

- The Betty Ford Clinic is so grateful for all the money Lindsay has spent there, they’re naming a wing – I’m sorry, that’s a revolving door – after her.

When The Rubber Met The Road 

A driver in Pennsylvania caused a mior car crash after he stopped suddenly when he thought there was a person lying in the road.  The “person” turned out to be an inflatable sex doll. Nobody was injured, however the man who slammed on the brakes was rear-ended.

- Not to mention the doll!

- Police suspect that the man who pushed the doll out of the car was mad at her for giving him the silent treatment.

- Maybe she was out for a jog and sprung a leak.

From the Not-So-Shocking-News-Department…

A new survey has found that nearly every woman who looks in the mirror sees herself as fat.  A diet company surveyed only healthy people whose weight was right for their height.  Still, only 13% of women said they were happy with what they saw. When asked to pick a word to describe how they looked, only 6% said “slim” and 17% said “fat”.  On the other hand, among men whose weight was proportional to their height, only six percent thought they looked fat.

- Of course those men were all hair-dressers.

- To keep with the times, Disney immediately re-wrote Snow White’s lines to read, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall… Who’s the fattest of them all”.

- NOTE TO MEN:  Be careful if you’re wife asks, “Does this mirror make my butt look big?” 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1961, history’s longest recorded strike ended when Danish barber’s assistants went back to work after 33 years.

- Finally, they got to get out of the house and go back to spending eight hours a day sitting in a barber chair reading the paper!  

- If it weren’t for the barber strike the Beatles would have had brush cuts!

Speaking of hair… 2011 marks the 50th anniversary of the “Beehive” hairdo.  

- The 60’s… a great fashion decade!  Beehive hairdos and Torpedo bras!  

Three hot chicks re-create the 60’s… minus the beehive!  (and Big Al’s hair)

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

We're Back!

Hope everyone had a great holiday season!  Mine was terrific…. family, friends, food & fun!  Speaking of that, a special thanks to Captain Dave Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the USS George Washington Nuclear Aircraft Carrier based in Japan, and his wife Carol. for the very special gifts!  (I sent them a fruitcake so Dave can use it in case the GW has to go into battle against North Korea!)

And now on with the news…  

STOP LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

If one of your New Year’s Resolutions is to stop using annoying words or phrases, Lake Superior State University in Michigan has some tips for you.  They released their annual “Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness” list for 2010.  Among the no-no-‘s: “man up”, “the American People”, “I’m just sayin’”, and “live life to the fullest”. 

- It’s not that I disagree, I’m just sayin’ that I want to assure the American People that this year I will man-up and live life to the fullest!

A lot of internet phrases were banished as well, including “viral,” “epic”, “fail” and using “Google” and “Facebook” as verbs as in “Just Google it” or “I was Facebooking last night”.

- So now videos on YouTube won’t go “Viral”, they’ll go “Non-Bacterial”.

- But Googling is just so… Epic!

- Is it just me or does spending the night “Facebooking” sound like something that leaves you with chapped lips and a hickey?

I Don’t Think Santa’s Elves Made This Toy…

Carolee Bildsten of Illinois, made national headlines after she allegedly threatened to hit a police officer with a female sex toy when he was investigating a claim that she’d run out on a check at Joe’s Crab Shack. Last week she failed to show up for her arraignment so she was rearrested, forced to pay $10,000 bond, and will be back in court on the 14^th.

- It’s a good thing she didn’t actually hit the police officer with the sex toy… being a woman she would have been able to do it multiple times. 

- Ironically, when police pulled her over, she was listening to the Beach Boys “Good Vibrations” on her iTouch.

He Should Have Flown A Turk-ish Airline

Security guards at an airport in Wales confiscated a 10-lb. frozen turkey from a passenger’s carry-on luggage that he was taking home to his family for Christmas dinner.  He said it’s impossible to buy a good turkey in Spain, but the guards told him it’s illegal to bring perishable food onto a jet without permission and took it away. 

- Amazingly, even with the full-body scan nobody noticed the giblets in his pants.

Their Glass Is Always (at least) Half-Full…

TheDailyBeast.com did a survey to determine the drunkest city in America… and the winner is:  Milwaukee.  

- Detroit didn’t even make the top 40; then again the survey was taken before the Lions won their fourth game in a row! 

- Los Angeles would have come in first, but Charlie Sheen was on vacation and Lindsay Lohan was in rehab at the time. 

BTW…

Lindsay is scheduled to be sprung from the Betty Ford Clinic today.  

- In her honor, the Homeland Security Department has upped today’s terror level by two notches.  

Have a great day… and a great year!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"It's The Most Wonderful DAY of the Year!"

One of these guys scarfed down a whole lot of cookies and milk last night. 

HINT: He’s the one without a beard!

*****

As you wade through a sea of torn wrapping paper, you might want to take a listen to one of our all-time favorite put on calls.  (And apparently one of our listener favs too!)  We’ve gotten a lot of requests to post it, and being the holidays and all, it just made sense.  Hope you enjoy it!

Farmer Jack Put-On Call to Lisa Rossi

“That Purtan guy can really put away the cookies!  Lucky for me… he left out a protein bar and some pomegranite juice!”

Here’s wishing you and yours a healthy, happy and wonderful day! Merry Christmas from me and all of Purtan’s People! 

- Dick

P.S.  What do Santa Claus and Charlie Sheen have in common?  Ho Ho Ho!

A Little Old, A Little New... Here's a Little Christmas Gift For You!

From Best of Purtan Volume 7

“The Purtan’s People Kiddie Christmas”

From Best of Purtan Volume 9

“The Krapco Christmas Catalog”

The following poem was a Christmas tradition read by our pal Morey.  It was given to us by loyal listener Dan Powell of Livonia.

11:00 Mass

The snowdrift was blowing out of doors,

The drifts were piling high,

And I could see the pedestrians,

As they were passing by.

The faces of my Irish friends,

came dimly through the glass,

as they trudged the icy streets,

to worship at their Mass.

I watched awhile, went back to bed

and cuddled safe and sound,

as they braved those icy streets,

on a sacred duty bound.

I envy them, their strength of heart,

And faith that they re-new,

But on an ice-cold Sunday morn,

it’s good to be a Jew. 

…And to all a goodnight!

- Dick

Some Classics from Holidays Past...

Here they are:  Two of my Christmas favs from the morning show!  Enjoy!

“A Politically Incorrect Christmas”

 “Walkin’ ‘Round In Women’s Underwear”

And now on with the news…

You Ain’t No Santa, Baby!

Cops in Ohio rushed to the Dayton Mall Wednesday after receiving a call that an “unruly group” of people had arrived on two buses, including several intoxicated people dressed as Santa - handing out adult materials and singing naughty Christmas songs. When a female Santa approached a policeman to ask what was going on, he twisted her arm behind her, slammed her into a glass wall, shoved her to the ground, put his knee in her back and handcuffed her.  

 - Isn’t that a line from “Twas the Night Before Christmas”… “And he looked just like a peddler, shoving her to the ground and putting a knee in her back”?  

- This sounds like the plot of a new Vince Vaughn/Will Ferrell movie.

Was The Guy From Chile By Any Chance? 

An airport in Louisiana was evacuated for an hour Wednesday after an x-ray scanner showed a wired device of a mysterious shape.  Police called in bomb-sniffing dogs and other equipment to examine the package.  It turned out to contain a miner’s headlamp and a frozen chicken.  The chicken was also stuffed with crawfish, but the scanner didn’t detect that.  

- Maybe the owner was just trying to save time by thawing out the chicken with the miner’s headlamp while in flight! 

- The frozen chicken was put in the full body scanner and later complained to authorities that the photos showed his frozen giblets.  

But Can He Dance?  

Researchers in Japan are working on what they call the “Evolved Mouse Project”, creating genetically modified mice with random mutations just to see what evolves.  They say they’ve now created a mouse that tweets like a bird.  They call it a “Singing Mouse”.  

- They obviously paid an advertising agency big bucks to come up with the name “Singing Mouse”!

- Excuse me, but didn’t Walt Disney do something like this years ago?  

- They also tried to create a duck with no pants on but it didn’t pass the censors. 

- “Tweety the Bird” is claiming copyright infringement.

And R.I.P. Fred Foy…

The Detroiter and famed announcer for “The Lone Ranger”, on both Radio and TV, has passed away at the age of 89.  Below is a short clip of what many consider to be the most famous opening in broadcast history. (We tried to get the complete opening but this is all we could find!) We miss those thrilling days of yesteryear…

Have a great day and see you back here tomorrow… Christmas Eve!

- Dick