On the Menu Today: Purtan Family Christmas Dinner Recipe... Plus We Dish The Latest On The News!

Through the years I’ve mentioned what the Purtan Family has for our traditional Christmas dinner and have had many requests for the recipe.  Since this is the season for sharing… here it is!  

Gail’s Chicken Strudel

Filling:

3 Tbls. Butter

3 Tbls. Flour

1/2 tsp. Salt

1/4 tsp. Pepper

1 Cup Chicken Broth

1 Cup Light Cream (Coffee Cream)

3 Egg Yolks

2 Cups Diced Chicken Breasts

Pastry:

Phyllo dough (available at your grocery store or specialty markets)

Melt butter, add flour, seasonings and broth.  Cook 5 minutes.  Stir in cream and beaten egg yolks.  Add chicken; heat but DO NOT BOIL.  

It is best to make this mixture the day before you make the strudels, as it is easier to roll in the dough when it is cold.

Use 3 layers of strudel dough. On a flat surface, brush the first layer of strudel with melted butter.  Carefully lay a second layer of strudel dough on top of the first; brush the second layer with melted butter.  Add a third layer of strudel dough and brush with butter.  Next, spoon some of the chicken filling across the bottom third of the strudel dough, stopping approximately one inch from each side of the strudel dough.  Fold the bottom of the strudel dough up onto  the mixture, then fold the sides of the strudel dough in toward the center of the strudel.  Finally, carefully roll the layers of strudel dough and the mixture away from you until the strudel is fully rolled.  Place the strudel on a non-stick cookie sheet. Repeat until the filling mixture is gone.

Brown at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until golden brown.  Makes 2-3 strudels.  Double or triple the recipe if you are feeding more guests.  In our family, each of us eats approximately 1/2 strudel.

Hot Fruit Compote

12 dried Macaroons, crumbled

4 cups canned fruits, drained and mixed (including peaches pears, apricots, & pineapple)

1/2 cup almonds, slivered and toasted

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup Sherry (optional)

1/4 cup melted butter

Butter a 2 1/2 quart casserole dish.  Cover bottom with macaroon crumbs.  Then alternate fruit and macaroons in layers, finishing with macaroons.  Sprinkle with almonds, brown sugar, and Sherry (if you choose to use it).  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.  Drizzle with melted butter.  Serve hot.  Serves 8.

Bon Appetit! And now… on with the news! 

Hide and Sneak!

If you want to keep your Christmas presents secret, you’d better hide them really well.  A recent poll found that one in three adults already know what they’re getting because they searched for and found their gifts.  One in five pull back the wrapping paper enough to figure out what’s inside, while 1 in 20 just rip the paper off completely.  BTW… women are the bigger snoopers; 30% of men admit to searching for their gifts compared to 40% of women.

- See ladies… this is why men shop at midnight on Christmas Eve! They don’t want you to know what they’re getting you!

- TIP: If you don’t want your husband to find his gift, hide it in the laundry room.  He’ll never go in there! 

Ham on Rye, Hold The Teacher

Veteran teacher Jose Reyes Fernandes of Cadiz, Spain was subjected to an investigation by the cops after a Muslim student claimed that Fernandez offended his religion in class.  His crime?  He mentioned ham!  He told his class that the cold mountain climate of a nearby Spanish town was ideal for curing hams.  The student’s parents filed formal charges including “psychological ill-treatment due to xenophobia and racism”.  The charges have been dropped! 

- Okay, raise your hand if you had to stop for a minute and google the word “xenophobia”? 

- And the teacher had been so sensitive he’d even read the students the Dr. Seuss classic, “Green Eggs & Lamb”.

- Let’s just hope nobody ever tells the kid what’s in the “Mystery Meat” they serve in the cafeteria.

- In a related story, the parents of a vegetarian student have filed charges against the city of Bologna, Italy. 

Boldly Going Where No Theater Group Has Gone Before…

Charles Dickens’ classic, “A Christmas Carol” has been translated into many languages, and now, a Chicago theater company is presenting a version entirely in Klingon – the made-up language from “Star Trek”.  In this version, a miserly Klingon named SQuja (Klingon for Scrooge) is visited by three ghosts on the planet Kronos during the Feast of the Long Night.  They inspire him to become a “true warrior” and save the sickly “Tiny Tim”.  The play includes three battle scenes and English subtitles.

- At the end of the play, “Tiny Tim” says, “God bless us, everyone… Tim, out”.

- William Shatner in encouraging people to save money by buying their tickets on Priceline.com.

- After the first act, you’re gonna wish there was a teleporter to get you the hell out of the theater.

That’ll Keep ‘Em Guessing!

Tuesday, Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano said the U.S. government is working “24/7, 364 days a year” to keep America safe.

- But just to throw terrorists off, she didn’t say which day of the year they weren’t working to keep America safe!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1882, Thomas Edison created the first string of Christmas lights. 

- Thus becoming the “Clark Griswald” of the 19th Century

- HISTORIC NOTE:  The string of lights is still up today after Edison told his wife, “If you think I’m taking that string down every year just to turn around and put it back up again next year, you’re crazy!”  

 

If you decide to make the strudel we hope you enjoy it!  (If you’ve already got your Christmas dinner planned… there’s always New Year’s Eve!) Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

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It's December 21st - my wedding anniversary - the shortest day and the longest night of the year! (And believe me, it was!!!)

“Merry Christmas Darling! Uh, Darling?” 

According to a 25 year study by the journal Social Sciences & Medicine, Christmas is the deadliest day of the year. Sociologists studied all official death certificates in the U.S. between 1979 and 2004 and found a big spike in deaths during the two weeks after Santa’s arrival, especially on Christmas and New Years Day.  They say holiday stress could be a factor - but only a small one.  And if people are willing themselves to live until after the holidays so they can be with their families one more time, they’re should be a drop in deaths right before Christmas, but there’s not!  Deaths just stay level, then shoot up on the big day. 

- A secondary study revealed that 50% of those who died had been hit in the head with a fruitcake during an egg nog-fueled food fight. 

- Maybe people would rather die than wait in line to return the ugly “reindeer playing poker” sweater they got from their crazy aunt. 

- There are four words to describe the high rate of death among women:  “Visiting Mother-In-Law”.  

Taking “Timeout” From the Internet

Remember the good old days when your parents would punish you by taking away your TV privileges?  Well 57% of today’s parents are taking that a step further by limiting access to the Internet when their kids misbehave; double the number since 2000.  Parents say “social networking” is not only reducing the time kids spend with their families, it’s also reducing the time they spend with their actual friends, face-to face.

- What next?  Waterboarding?

- So now the kids are forced to lock themselves in their room and text on their cell phones while listening to their iPods.

Dash-er On Over To Dairy Queen!

Dairy Queen announced what could be the most hard-to-claim Christmas promotional deal in history.  Anyone who brings a real, live reindeer to a Dairy Queen on Christmas Eve between 1 and 3p.m. will get a free “Reindeer Bites Blizzard”.  But it’ll be tough; the Reindeer Owners and Breeders Association says there are no more than 3,000 reindeer in the continental U.S. and it’s not clear how you’d get one of them to a Dairy Queen. 

- You’d attach him to your sled and fly him there, that’s how! 

- Rumor has it that “Prancer” & “Blitzen” are partial to Ben & Jerry’s.  

- Why not just tie a pair of antlers to the family dog?  It worked for the Grinch. 

Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect!

In a poll, members of the Associated Press chose the Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien NBC late-night fiasco as the #1 entertainment story of the year.  And the “Entertainer of the Year” award went to 88-year-old Betty White, who had a hit Super Bowl commercial, hit movies, a hit TV show and a fan-sponsored Facebook campaign that landed her a top rated “SNL” hosting gig.  Betty said, “It’s ridiculous.  They haven’t caught-on to me and I hope they never do”. 

- Well if they’re gonna catch-on to her they’d better hurry… there’s not much time left! 

- So it turns out that Betty White actually is a “Golden Girl”!

- As for the Jay Leno - Conan O’Brien thing… they actually thought that was a bigger story than Big Al appearing for seven seconds on “Detroit 1-8-7”?  Whatever!

- Personally, I think the “Entertainer of the Year” Award should have been shared by Kate Gosselin on DWTS and Larry King.  Neither one of them seemed to have any idea what they were doing, but it sure was entertaining to watch! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts.  

- Luckily “Ye Olde Walmart” was open late so they still had time to finish up their Christmas shopping!

 

Have a great day… I’m off to celebrate with my child bride! See you back here tomorrow! 

- Dick 

 

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"No Nudes is Good Nudes!" (See pictures below...)

Hope you had a great weekend!  I started mine early Friday by having the first annual post-retirement morning show luncheon.  As we did every year while I was on the air, we got as many of us together as we could. We ate and reminisced (Big Al mostly ate) and had a fabulous time at P.F. Changs at Sommerset. Below are a few pictures taken sometime between the Lettuce Wraps and the Moo Goo Gai Pan. We had a great time!  The only drawback was that when I told everyone, “No Gifts” they took me seriously!!  Oh well, there’s always next year! 

From Left:  Jim Ochs, Dave Zoran, Joe Noune, Ron T, Larry Lawson, Jackie, Moi, Rebekah, Big Al and Dave Jankowski.  

Jackie uses the plastic banana spring roll platter off the dessert display tray as a holiday broach. Lovely!

The core cast of characters:  Me, Rebekah, Jackie and Big Al.  Great to be back together!  

And now… on with the news!

So Now We Can Ask And We Can Tell! 

Saturday, the Senate voted to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy banning openly gay people from serving in the military.  And just minutes before the historic vote took place something rather bizarre happened:  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid tweeted Lady Gaga, who has fought to have the policy overturned, “DADT on it’s way to becoming history, “ and afterwards he tweeted her again, saying, “Ladygaga:  We did It! DADT is a thing of the past.”

- Lady Gaga tweeted the Senator back saying, “Don’t Call, Don’t Tweet”.

- Amazing!  I would have bet money Harry Reid hadn’t tweeted a woman in years! 

- He also tweeted the sailor in the Village People and Jim Nabors in the Marine Corps. 

- Years ago Harry Reid also sent a telegram to the Andrews Sisters informing them that World War II was over!

Somebody’s Gonna Be On Santa’s *$#@ List!

She might be happy about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” but the holidays seem to have put Lady Gaga in a Grinch-like mood.  At a concert in London Saturday, a fan tossed a stuffed Santa toy towards her onstage. The singer picked the toy up and tried to rip it’s head off with her teeth.  When that didn’t work, attacked it with the stiletto heel of her boot, yelling, “I hate the holidays! I’m alone and miserable!”

- … “Plus I just got a tweet from Senator Harry Reid!!!!!!”

- She’s now going by the name, “Lady Grinch-Grinch”

- Of course she’s alone… her costumes are so big no guy can get near her.

- She was just in a bad mood because concert goers mistook her for a really ugly Christmas tree. 

Are You Sure This Is Decaf?  

Police in Japan arrested three men on suspicion of providing coffee enemas without a proper medical license.  The procedure was offered as a beauty treatement at their now-defunt alternative medical clinics.  It’s a popular belief in Japan that coffee enemas are a secet weight-loss technique used by American celebrities.  A Tokyo company is even offereing a “do-it-yourself” kit consisting of an enema bag, and six cans of “Café Colon” coffee. 

- This proves one thing:  Kirstie Alley has never been to Japan.

- So guys, if you run into Angelina Jolie and she asks you over for coffee, as tempting as it may be,  say no! 

- HEALTH TIP:  You will actually gain weight if you do this procedure with a Starbucks Venti-Latte with half & half, whipped cream and a caramel drizzle.

- I don’t think this is what Maxwell House had in mind when they said, “Good to the Last Drop!”

 

Have a great day!  More shopping for me today… Wedding anniversary tomorrow - Christmas Saturday! See you in 24 hours!

- Dick

 

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"All I Want For Christmas is for a Man to Compliment My Ears"

So here we are… the weekend before Christmas!  (Is it just me or did this sneak up faster that Kwame Kilpatrick at the all-you-can-eat Prison Pizza Buffet?)  I’ve checked my list, and I’ve checked it twice and I realize that I’ve still got some serious shopping left to do.  

While surfing the Internet for last-minute gift ideas, I wandered over to a news website and found a story that caught my eye.  It ties in with Christmas… Sort of.  Let me explain.  

While a lot of us are wondering what we’ll be getting from that “special someone” in our lives - there are a lot of people out there who are missing the critical “special someone”!  What to do?  What to do? How can you impresse that good looking woman at the company Christmas party? That’s where the story I read comes in.  

If you’re a single guy (or know one) listen up:  The dating website Dadoo.com surveyed single guys around the world to find out what compliments work best on a woman.  The results were pretty interesting!

- British women respond to compliments on their legs.

- German and Canadian ladies like comments about their skin. 

- Dutch and Portuguese women go for a guy who praises their ears. 

- For Spanish women… it’s all about complimenting their hair. 

- American, Australian and Brazilian women prize compliments on their clothes.  

But the number one best way to romance ANY WOMAN FROM ANY COUNTRY, dubbed “The Holy Grail of flirting” is to compliment… a woman’s lips!  

— So if you compliment a Spanish woman who has hair on her lip you’re in-like-Flynn!  

— German women are partial to their skin so remember to say “No!” if she asks, “Do these pants make my skin look big.”

— If you meet a Canadian woman, you’ll have to wait until July or August to compliment her skin since those are the only months she’s not covered in snow pants and a parka. 

According to the survey, American woman like to be complimented on their outfits.  Being a husband and father of six daughters, I decided to do my own little survey to see if they agreed.  For fear of not getting any Christmas presents, I won’t mention any names, but here’s a rundown of what the seven women in my life like to be complimented on most (in no particular order):

Smile, Butt, Eyes, Lips, Legs, Hair, Being slender or fit, and having a cute nose and nice cheekbones.  

(In my case I was lucky!  I’ve always felt my wife Gail had the whole package! So when I met her, I had a lot to choose from!)

BTW, the girls all agreed that the worst thing a guy can compliment a women on is how good looking her friend is! 

So there you have it… now you know what women want to hear under the mistletoe!  And if we missed one, let us know! 

 

Have a great weekend - the last weekend before Christmas! - and I’ll see you back here Monday.

- Dick 

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"Father & Son... Destruction"

Yesterday, the Feds handed down an amazing array of indictments against Kwame Kilpatrick, his father Bernard and some of his closest friends. They are all accused of stealing millions through bribery and extortion from contractors – all for personal gain.  If convicted, that “comeback” promised could be postponed by several decades.  Experts say this could be the beginning of the end of the culture of corruption in Detroit city government.

- So hopefully we can return to the good old days when the mayor took all his bribes in Krugerrands!

- Kwame’s lawyer said the ex-mayor is “looking forward to fighting the charges”, as soon as he finishes his final performance in the Prison production of “The Nutcracker”. 

- NOTE:  Advance planning for Kwame’s “Early Release Get-Out-of-Jail Party” has been cancelled.  

- With the new charges, MSNBC has announced plans to begin shooting the first ever father-son episode of “Lock-Up”.  

The newest indictments reminded me of a song we wrote, recorded and used to play when Kwame’s biggest problem was failing to pay his restitution.  In honor of his most recent troubles, here’s a blast from the past…

“Kwame: The Restitution Song”

Face TIME

As we mentioned on our Facebook post Wednesday, Time Magazine has named Mark Zuckerberg, the co-creator of “Facebook” as their “Person of the Year for 2010”.  The title goes to the person who has had the most effect on people’s lives for better or worse.  Time’s editor said that social engineering is “changing the way we relate to each other and transforming the way we live our lives every day.” Zuckerberg beat out finalists including the Tea Party, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, and the Chilean miners.

- How ungrateful!  After all, the Chilean minors spent all their time trapped underground reading Time Magazine! (with their miners helmut lights) 

- The news came as no surprise to Julian Assange who had leaked the information to himself a week ago.

- Zuckerberg posted a message reading, “OMG TMPOTY 2010!”

“You Want A Lawsuit With That? 

After months of threats, the Center for Science in the Public Interest has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that putting toys in Happy Meals is deceptive advertising with the goal of over-riding parental control over kids’ diets.  McDonald’s called the group, “the food police” adding that they do offer healthy items like apple slices.  Calls from “McCustomers” are running 9 to 1 against nixing toys in the Happy Meals.

- Mayor McCheese vowed to veto any legislation aimed at getting rid of the toys.

- A red-headed McDonald’s executive identified only as “Ronald” said, “They think they’ve got us by the McNuggets but they’re wrong!”

Ironically, The Contest Still Lasted More Than Four Hours…

Baker Vince Bowen of Wigan, England, was delivering a load of pies to the World Pie Eating Championships when someone stole them from his van.  But these were no ordinary pies.  Bowen uses an unusual preservative to keep the pototos firm: small amounts of Viagra.  So whoever stole them got a whole bunch of the ED medication.

- Officials don’t believe the evidence will stand up in court.

- The baker calls them his “Little Blue-Pill-Berry Pies”.

- Police are scouring the country side for couples sitting outside in matching bathtubs.

- Have a slice with whipped cream and you’ve got yourself one kinky night ahead of you!

Bad Odds & Ends…

Tuesday, a daring armed robber in Las Vegas got away from the Bellagio Hotel and Casino with over $1.5 million in chips.  But there’s a catch!  Turns out the chips are worthless anywhere but the Bellagio and some have traceable security strips embedded in them so you have to show ID to cash them. 

- He should have stolen his grandmother’s Bingo Chips!  They’re untraceable and you’ve got much better odds of winning. 

- Is it just me… or do you think we just found out the plot for “Ocean’s Fifteen”?

- In high school this guy was voted “Most Likely To Succeed At Being An Idiot”.

- He’s mother said he’s just as dumb as his father saying, “He’s a chip off the old block”.  

As Every Waitperson Says, “Enjoy!”

For the second consecutive year, a Marist poll has named “whatever” as the most annoying word or phrase of year.

- Whatever!

- I think that at the end of the day, when we’re all on the same page, we can agree to disagree with their decision, like totally. 

- To me the most annoying phrase is, “Do you know how fast you were driving Mr. Purtan?”

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

All That Glitters Is Not The Golden Globes

Tuesday was a big day in Hollywood with the announcement of this year’s Golden Globe nominees.  “The King’s Speech” led with 7, followed by “The Social Network” with 6.  Critical favs like “127: and the upcoming “True Grit” were surprisingly snubbed, while nominations for “Best Comedy or Musical” went to the widely-panned bombs, “Burlesque” and “The Tourist”, which isn’t a comedy or a musical.  Insiders say it proves the Hollywood Foreign Press will nominate any movie if it gets big stars like Christina Aguilera, Cher, Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp to show up for the ceremony. 

- If they want big stars to show up, then how come I wasn’t nominated for my eleven second role in Beverly Hills Cop III?

- On the bright side, win or lose, we’ll all get a chance to see Angelina Jolie’s Golden Globes. 

- Cher will be there accepting the “Lifetime Plastic Surgery Achievement Award”. 

Peter Pan Made It Look So Easy!

Hugh Jackman really took it on the chin during a recent taping of “Oprah” in Australia.  Actually, he took it on his whole face. Jackman delighted audiences by sliding 100 yeards on a zipwire from the top of the Syndey Opera House to the stage below.  Unfortunately, he hit the brake too late.  He crashed into a lighting rig, cut his eye, flipped 90 degrees and hung over the stage for several seconds before landing.  Oprah stopped the show while paramedics applied ice to his face. Jackman said, “That was so much fun until the end.”

- Which is exactly what Nancy Pelosi said the day after the mid-term elections. 

- Oprah immediately surprised Jackman with lifetime health care coverage, one of her “favorite things”!

- Jackman is famous for playing “Wolverine”… with that kind of athletic ability, maybe we could get him to play for Michigan.  (The girls tell me he’s got quite the tight-end).

It’s Just Not “Norm!”-al

Kelsey Grammer’s estranged wife, former Playboy model Camille Dantaccis is reportedly threatening to release kinky sex tapes that the couple made if the “Frasier” star doesn’t cough up big alimony cash.  

- So Kelsey Grammer made a kinky sex tape?  Isn’t this the kind of thing Frasier Crane warned against on his radio call-in show?  

- Kelsey is said to be drowning his sorrows at an unnamed bar in Boston!  He said, “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name”. 

- Lillith was cold…but this is really cold! 

- Speaking of Frasier Crane, didn’t the real Dr. Laura have nude pictures taken of her and released by her boyfriend?  And these pseudo and real therapists make a living giving us advice?  

“To Bieber or Not To Bieber…” 

TMZ.com has confirmed that Canadian officals will not charge 16 year-old Justin Bieber with punching a 12-year-old boy at a laser tag center.  The victim allegedly used a homophobic slur on Bieber and attacked him first.

- Source say Bieber threw his hands up and yelled, “Don’t Lase Me Bro!”

- The most serious damage inflicted:  Bieber’s hair was temporarily knocked out of place.

- Didn’t the same thing happened recently to Susan Boyle at a Senior Center?   

Split-Ends Sexy?

Voted this year’s sexiest man and woman, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson announced that they are divorcing after just two years of marriage.  

- It’s said to be very amicable.  They’re splitting all the mirrors in the house 50-50.

- So if they’re looking to “trade up”, they better hope Brad and Angelina start having marital problems.   

Celebrity Shorts…

Alice Cooper and Neil Diamond will be inducted into the 2011 Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.  

- I can’t wait to hear Alice sing to Neil, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore”! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1791, the University of Pennsylvania established the first law school in the U.S.  

- The first two students admitted:   Isiah Feiger and Jedadiah Bernstein.

 

Have a great day, stay warm, and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Those Aren’t Christmas Lights, It’s Your Dad!

Ukraine has announced stat starting in 2011 they will open the sealed zone around the Chernobyl nuclear power plant to tourists.  The reactor exploded in 1986 and the evacuated area aound it is still considered dangerously radioactive.  But a Ukraine spokeswoman said that official travel routes are being developed that will be both informative and medically safe.

- She’s the same woman offering swimming lessons in the Gulf of Mexico. 

- I’d love to go… but I’m worried about all the radiation I’d get going through the airport body scanners!

“Waiter, There’s A Guy Next To My Soup”

Archeologists digging near the ancient Chinese capital of Xian have discovered what they believe to be a 2,400 year old pot of soup.  It’s some liquid and bones that were sealed in a small, bronze vessel insides a tomb.  They say it will help them undertand more about the eating habits of people from 475 to 220 B.C.

- 220 B.C. is of course when Campbells introduced their first canned soup… “Chicken With Femurs”.

- The label on the pot said “Chunky” – because of the bones. 

- So apparently eating soup wasn’t exactly a cure-all for the guy who was buried with it.

- Also found with the soup… a petrified egg roll and a fortune cookie with the message, “You have a long, healthy life ahead of you”.

Are You A Lonely South Korean?  There’s An App For That!

A South Korean developer has created the ultimate cell phone app for lonely iPhone users:  “Honey, It’s Me!”  Single guys who download it will start receiving messages from a fictional, virtual girlfriend named Mina. The phone allows her to make several calls a day to remind him to eat breakfast or say “Good night, sweet dreams”.  The app even plays the sound of a woman sleeping on the pillow next to you.  The app was briefly offered for free and 80,000 guys downloaded it in one day. 

- So Mina is dating 80,000 guys at once?  What a slut!

- Guys who download this app are now known as iLosers. 

- This is going over way better than the “Married Mina” app which calls your phone 30 times a day to yell at you for not taking out the garbage.

- If you really want to have a relationship with this fake girl, don’t download it to your iPhone.  Put it on your iTouch.

Alex Trebek goes PC… Literally!

In February, the game show “Jeopardy” will host a “man vs. machine” series.  Two of the show’s past champions, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter will play against “Watson”, a computer program developed by IBM.  The winner gets a cool one mil. 

- If one of the humans wins, he’ll use part of the cash to buy and download “Honey, It’s Me!”

- This isn’t the first time a game show has gone techno.  Everyone knows Vanna White was replaced by a robot years ago.

- During a dry run of the game, the computer got really nervous and just froze up. 

If He Taught Reading… It Would Be Braille!

58 year old Barry Morgan has been a driving instructor of 17 years, but his “unusual methods” have landed him in court.  A 17 year old student told police that Morgan would turn up the heat in the car to try to get female students to take off their tops, and insisted on sqeezing “their wobbly bits” as punishment for driving errors.  Other woman have confirmed the story and Morgan has been fired. 

- If he ends up in jail, he’d better keep a close eye on his own “wobbly bits”.

- So this is why people in Britain drive on the other side of the road!  They swerved over when trying to get away from Barry Morgan!

- His lawyer claims he was just “checking under the hood” for safety.

- What a dip stick!

Just Sitting Around, Twittering My Thumbs

Google’s has released it’s annual list of the top Internet searches of the year.  So who and what was “Googled” the most?  Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, iPad, and Twitter. The fastest-rising search of the year was “ChatRoulette”, a webcam site where people expose their private parts. 

-  Is it just me or do “Twitter & Google” sound like a new shock radio morning team?  

- I can’t believe “Hiter’s Bunker” didn’t make the list.  I googled it about a thousand times! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1911, Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating Robert F. Scott’s expedition. 

- Just moments later, Amundsen’s wife, who had come along on the journey, became the first “South Pole Dancer”. 

 

Have a great day, watch for the ice on the roads and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

 

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"Snow Daze"

“Dear Lord, Let it Snow! Let it Snow! PLEASE Let it Snow!”

The prayers of tens of thousands of students were answered last night when the big storm caused nearly every school in the metro area to close down today.  Yes… it’s the first big “Snow Day” of the winter. 

- It’ll be just like when we were kids and spent the day outside making snow angels and sledding… except today the kids will stay inside all day doing the same things on their Wii. 

Obama Ducks Out, Leaves Bill 

Friday, President Obama stunned reporters by entering the White House Briefing room with a special guest: Bill Clinton.  Tired of the grief he’s getting from Democrats over his deal with Republicans to extend tax cuts, he handed over the podium to the former president to sell the deal.  After a while, Obama said he was late for a Christmas party, had kept Michelle waiting half an hour and left – leaving Clinton to finish the press conference.  Bill talked for another half-hour…  

- About why Hillary should be elected President in 2012.

- Just for old times sake, he pointed his finger at Helen Thomas’s and said, “I did not have sex with that woman!!!.” 

- Clinton even took questions from the audience saying, “Yes, you m’am in the blue dress.”

- So Obama left a press conference on a major national issue because he’d kept Michelle waiting for half-an-hour?  Sounds like Hillary isn’t the only Democrat wife who wears the pants in the family.

- Obama would have had Joe Biden take over, but the VP was busy Xeroxing his butt at the Christmas party. 

“How’s My Driving?  Call 1-800-Ask-The-Opposite-Sex!”

A new study of 2000 drivers show that the old stereotypes about men and women behind the wheel are still alive and kicking.  Women drivers admitted that male drivers are better at knowing how to change a flat and are able to park in small spaces.  But there were complaints:  Women hate it when men tailgate, speed, use their cell phones, show road rage, refuse to ask for directions and constantly change the radio station.

- Hey at least men don’t do all that while putting on mascara!

- Don’t women know that the biggest cause of road rage is when they ask their man to slow down and stop tailgaiting? 

- Women should realize that while they occasionally get PMS… men always have GPS!

The mention of men and directions reminded me of a classic scene from one of my favorite holiday movies, Planes, Trains & Automobiles”.  Watch as John Candy and Steve Martin find out they’re, “Going the wrong way!”

 

On The Flip Side…

The top ten things men like about women drivers :  They always pack food and drinks for long trips, are courteous to others, don’t lose their tempers, keep talking to the man to keep him awake, and will ask for directions when lost.  What men hate most about women behind the wheel?  How long it takes them to get in and out of parking spaces, taking too long to go forward at intersections, and the way they turn away and talk to other passengers. 

- Especially if the woman happens to be driving the bus he’s riding at the time. 

- And they’re not comfortable with any woman named “Thelma” or “Louise” behind the wheel.  

Let’s Hope Brett Favre Doesn’t Post His Personal Pix On The Jumbotron At Ford Field Tonight! 

As you probably know, the Minnesota Vikings will play the NY Giants at Ford Field tonight due to the collapse of the Metrodome roof under heavy snow in Minneapolis. The game is sold-out (they gave away all the tickets for free!) but will not be seen locally since the NFL wants us to watch the scheduled Monday night game, Baltimore vs. Houston. 

As for me, in honor of the Lion’s victory yesterday over Green Bay, 7 to 3, I’ll be tied up all day building a Detroit Lion snowman in my front yard. Fortunately it’s good packing snow… that’ll make it so much easier to make the tight-end!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick  

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"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas... Shopping!"

Here we are - just two weekends ‘til Christmas and I am way behind.  Let me explain. First of all, December is a very busy month for me.  My wife Gail’s birthday is on the 3rd, our wedding anniversary is the 21st (the longest night of the year I might point out… and believe me it was!) and of course the big day which happens to fall on the 25th this year!!!  

I haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet.  It’s not that I don’t want to, but it’s a time issue.  

Somewhere in my head I guess I thought that “retirement” meant things would slow down.  NOT!  It seems I’ve never been busier in my life!  Sure, I don’t have to get up at the crack-of-the-middle-of-the-night anymore to do my radio show but my days and nights are filled.  I really don’t where the time goes.   

Which brings me back to the holdiays,  where you have to factor in all the extra stuff:  For one, decorating the house.  We’ve always decorated in a big way - not in a Clark Griswald - “Christmas Vacation”- kind of way, but we get pretty into it.  We have two trees and every year we have them up and decorated by Thanksgiving. Now, with just two weeks to go - one is ready and the other is “partially dressed” if you will; sorely lacking ornaments and tinsel. We’ll finish it this weekend. (Of course we said the same thing last weekend).  

Then there’s the whole Christmas Card issue.  If you haven’t gotten one from us yet, don’t feel bad. We haven’t sent any out.  Why?  We’re just having trouble finding the time.  And to be honest, the pressure is building! Everyday, our mailbox is jammed with cards from friends, old and new, and some from people who, to be honest, I couldn’t pick out in a police line-up.  

Yesterday alone, I opened two expensive looking cards signed by people who’s names I didn’t recognize.  I’m thrilled that they’re wishing us a “Wonderful Holdiay Season” - I just wish I knew who they were.  The toughest are the ones that have a picture of the kids but not the mom and dad.  I’ll admit “Amber & Jacob” look cute smiling brightly in matching candy cane pajamas, I just wish I knew who their parents were! Last year, I got one of those delightful “Year in Review” family news letters - you know the ones:  they document every loose tooth, just-missed basketball trophy, and prostate exam experienced by the family members over the year. The only problem?  Even after reading an extensive description of how Amanda was dealing with her new orthodontic mouthpiece, I still had no idea who sent me the letter.  

And, of course, there’s still the whole shopping dilemma.  I’m not a big mall guy (I’m usually one of the guys sitting in the leather chair trying to stay awake) so I’m trying to convince Gail to have us do all of our shopping over the Internet this year.  God knows I get enough e-mails offering “unbeatable deals” from retailers.  I’ve gotten so many e-mails from “Toys R Us” I feel like I know Geoffrey the Giraffe personally.  

No matter how I end up getting the gifts, I’m faced with the biggest challenge of all:  Wrapping!  I don’t know if it’s genetic or what, but after talking to a lot of my guy friends I’ve decided it’s true.  Men are lousy wrappers! And believe me I’ve tried.  Hand me a roll of wrapping paper, scissors, tape and a gift box and I’ll hand you back something that looks like the paper mache likeness of Abraham Lincoln I made in second grade.  

So that’s where I stand… behind in just about everything.  But I’m not worried.  It will all get done.  It has too! Because afterall, “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year”!!!

 

Have a great a weekend… I hope you come close to getting everything done on your list and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick 

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

There’s No Gay in Gayle… 

While taping an interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denied rumors that she’s a lesbian, and said that Gayle King is just her girlfriend.  Oprah said if she were a lesbian she wouldn’t deny it, but added, “I’m not even kinda a lesbian”.  But she did get choked up as she described her Gayle-Pal as “the mother I never had, the sister everbody would want.  She is the friend that everybody deserves”. 

- Sounds to me like Gayle is Oprah’s “Most Favorite Thing”.

- She likes her so much she’s going to have her cloned and give one to everybody in her studio audience!

- Oprah also described her longtime boyfriend Steadman as “Her BFF without benefits”.  

A New Spin On Twins!

Big News out of MSU… Researchers there proved that marriage settles men down and makes them less likely to get involved in aggressive or antisocial behavior.  The 10 year study was conducted on 289 sets of male twins to rule out the theory that only more mellow guys say “I Do” in the first place.  The results showed that when one twin got married, he calmed down while the bachelor twin tended to stick to his antisocial behavior. 

- So all those “Evil Twin” plots on the Soap Operas are true! 

- Getting married settles a guy down?  Looks like somebody forget to tell Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods. 

- If marriage really settles a guy down, Larry King should be in a coma by now. 

Hurry!  Sale Ends, well, uh…

Larry Falter, the owner of LTD Jewelers in Superior, Wisconsin believes that Jesus is returning… soon.  He’s putting his money where his faith is by holding a “Second Coming Sale”.  He’s offering 50% off all the jewelry in his store from now until Jesus returns.  

- When his wife found out their income would be cut in half, she served him two things: Divorce Papers and his “Last Supper”. 

- I feel bad for Jesus… he’s gonna miss the sale!

- A Jewish competitor across the street has announced a “First Coming Sale”. 

“I Swear This Dude In A Big Red Suit Came Down My Chimney, Man!”

Police in Berlin, Germany busted an “old hippie” who was using a six-foot tall marijuana plant as a Christmas tree. It was in a Christmas tree stand and decorated with a string of lights.  He told them he was planning to add more decorations and put presents underneath it, “according to tradition.”  He was charged with drug possession and his “tree” was confiscated. 

- His favorite holiday carol?  “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cannibis!”

- This guy is definitely not a “wise man”.

- His neighbors said he’s very good at crafts and rolls his own ornaments every year!

- Instead of cookies and milk, he leaves Santa a plate of Doritos and a bottle of Mountain Dew.  

On A Serious Note…

Aretha Franklin has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, one of the toughest.  My - and all Purtan’s Peoples’ thoughts and prayers go out to her and her family.  In my opinion, Aretha is the greatest singer to ever come out of Detroit.  My personal favorite is her rendition of “I Say A Little Prayer”. Just click below to hear her amazing performance!

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

You Want A Spanking?  

Democrats are furious with President Obama for caving in to Republicans and agreeing to extend the Bush tax cuts for higher income groups.  Some are even threatening to block the deal in Congress. 

- President Obama doesn’t think they can do it, but the Democrats said, “Yes We Can!”

- Obama’s new slogan is “Not Making Changes You Can Believe In!”

Tuesday, the Prez gave a rather testy press conference where he knocked the Dems for not realizing that they can’t always get everything they want.  He also blasted the Republicans he’d just cut a deal with calling them bomb-throwers and saying he had to go along with them because they were holding the middle-class hostage. 

- He also put both sides of Congress in a “time out” and took away their video game privileges for a week! 

- They should just settle the whole thing by holding a boxing match between the President and new leader of the house, John Boehner… with Nancy Pelosi as the ring girl.  

It All Seemed To Be Happening In Slow Motion… 

Former “Baywatch” babe and Playboy model Donna D’Errico claims that she was pulled out of line at the airport in L.A. by a smirking TSA guard who ordered her to go into the body scanner so he could look at her naked.  She called it a misuse of power, and sarcastically said she must have overlooked the clause in her Playboy and “Baywatch” contracts that said she would forever be subject to being seen naked in person, in public, at any time, for anyone, for free whether she agrees to it or not. 

- She then added that she likes puffy clouds, walks on the beach and playing Frisbee with her dog, “Cupcake”.

- Finally!  A girl who will pose naked for millions of men who still has morals!

- On the other hand, former “Baywatch” babe Pam Anderson INSISTS on the naked scan and the extreme pat down.

- Kim Kardashian never has this problem because her butt won’t fit in the scanner!

OMG! DWTS PRO GOP? 

Sarah Palin’s popularity is really getting to some people.  The FCC released letters they received from around the U.S., demanding a government investigation into Bristol Palin not being voted off “Dancing with the Stars”.  Complaints included claims that the show was part of a radical rightwing conspiracy, that Bristol wasn’t really a “star”, and that allowing her on the show was “encouraging and promoting teen pregnancy”. 

- The letter accusing the show of being part of a radical rightwing conspiracy was signed by one “K. Olbermann”.

- If you have to be a “star” to be on “DWTS” we would never have gotten to see Jerry Springer do the Rumba! (He certainly had enough “Rumbas” on his show!)

- I don’t thing Bristol’s appearance encouraged teen pregnancy.  But it did start a shocking new trend:  Teen Waltzing. 

From the “No #@*$ Sherlock File” 

The University of Western Australia surveyed over 2700 men aged 75 to 95 to find out when men lose interest in sex.  The answer:  NEVER!  One-fifth of 95 year olds said that sex was still at least somewhat important to them, even though illness and lack of a partner held them back.  And of those who were still sexually active, more than 40% said they weren’t getting enough…

- … Fiber. 

- So when it comes to sex… 75 is the new 18!

- Now I know why older men are always yelling, “Hey kid… get off of my lawn!”  They don’t want the kids peeking in the window.

- As George Burns said many times, “Sure I’d like to have more sex… but at my age it’s like shooting pool with a rope!”

The Day The Music Died…Again.

Believe it or not, it was 30 years ago today that John Lennon was gunned down outside his apartment building in NYC. 

- Why couldn’t Mark David Chapman have been a “Milli Vannilli” fan instead?!

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

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Read His Lips…

After holding out until the very last minute, President Obama caved to Senate Republicans Monday, agreeing to extend all the Bush tax cuts – even for high earners – for two more years.  He also agreed to raise the exemption on estate taxes from $1 million to $5 million estates and to cut Social Security taxes by 2% to put more cash in workers paychecks.

- Of course first the feds will have to find the people who are actually bringing in a paycheck…

“Terrorist in Aisle Seven”

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has stuck a deal with WalMart to show video announcements on the TV monitors in their checkout lanes urging Americans to rat out potential terrorists.  The campaign has been dubbed, “If You See Something, Say Something” and will urge WalMart shoppers to keep their eyes peeled for any suspicious behavior and report it to the proper authorities. 

- “If You See Something, Say Something”… wait a minute, I’m confused.  I thought we were supposed to “not ask and not tell”!

- So if you see anybody in the WalMart Gun department buying a gun… call the cops!

- So now you can save money on Cheetos, Stretch Pants, and Toilet Paper and save the world at the same time!

- If you hear “Price check on Dynamite” over the loudspeaker, just run for your life! 

Paying (for) the Bills

The Government decided to change the $100 bill to make it impossible for counterfeiters to print them.  The problem is, the new design is so intricate, the government can’t print them either.  The new multi-colored ink and an embedded 3D security ribbon caused 30% of the ONE BILLION bills printed to have flaws.  It will take a year to fix the problem.  BTW… the cost to taxpayers for the error?  $120 million!!

- This is exactly why I always have my money printed at Kinkos!

- The last time we had a money printing crisis was when the Feds accidentally released millions of one dollar bills featuring Barbara Bush instead of George Washington.

Oprah Scares The Dickens Out Of Fans! 

With Oprah winding down her final year in syndication, she’s pulling out all the stops.  Yesterday, she revealed her final two picks for “Oprah’s Book Club” and surprised fans by picking two Charles Dickens classics straight off the high school required reading list.  Oprah expects her fans to make it through “A Tale of Two Cities” and “Great Expectations” over Christmas and be ready to discuss them by January. 

- And at 799 pages, I have “Great Expectations” that that’s not gonna happen.

- In Disc Jockey school we had to read “A Tale of Two Hit-ties”…

- Bill Clinton suggested “The Scarlett Letter” and “The Kama Sutra”.

- Lucky for me, I just finished Carrot Top’s autobiography, so I’m good to go!

Today’s Almanac

This is, of course Pearl Harbor Day.  69 years ago the Japanese nearly decimated the U.S. Naval fleet stationed at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii signaling the United States entry into WWII.  

- On a happier note, seven years ago today, Rebekah Rhodes married her husband Wayne.  Ironically, her wedding night involved a few sneak attacks as well. 

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

 

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Will He Leak?

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be hiding near London, where authorities plan to arrest him soon on rape charges from Sweden.  But he is threatening to blackmail the entire world if any moves are made against him and his website.  He claims to have let thousands of people worldwide download an encrypted “poison pill” file that can only be opened with a password he will release if arrested.  The file reportedly contains all sorts of damaging secret info… including private corporate files of companies such as BP and Bank of America.

- Assange also claims to have X-Ray vision and can use his Super-Secret Decoder ring while changing clothes in a phone booth.

- This guy is also threatening to release the most dangerous secret of all: the recipe for his mom’s fruitcake.    

- Obviously, he’s been watching too many “Spy-Fi” movies. 

- He’s just like James Bond… except he’s “shaken… and disturbed”.

Congress Puts Their Hand In The Cookie Jar… Again

President Obama is set to sign a new childhood nutrition bill promoted by his wife Michelle and passed by Congress, but it’s turned controversial.  It’s written so broadly, critics say it could give the feds the power to ban school bake sales.  The reason?  Kids who grow up obese can’t join the military, so the government should have the power to regulate cupcakes as a national security issue. 

- Why don’t they just go with a “Don’t Bake, Don’t Tell” policy?

- This isn’t the first time in history this has happened.  Don’t forget, “Custer’s Last Lemonade Stand”!

Con-Gay Twitty? 

Police in Florida report that two “good old boys” hangin out in one of the guys’ trailers began arguing over whether the late country superstar Conway Twitty, was gay.  What started as pushing and shoving turned into a full blown fist fight with one of the guys ending up in the slammer.  For the record, Twitty was married three times, and all of his partners were women.

- These guys should have been playing, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. 

- What they really should have been arguing about was why the singer changed his name to “Conway Twitty” from his real name, “Harold Jenkins”.

“Me And Julio (and a Health Van) Down By The Schoolyard”

Singer Paul Simon will join Michigan’s Sen. Debbie Stabenow for the launch of the Children’s Health Project of Detroit.  The effort includes a mobile medical clinic to provide health services to children at schools and other locations.  Services will include primary care, physicals, immunizations, vision and dental checks.  Simon has long been involved in helping provide health services to kids in need. 

- When they first met, Simon reportedly said, “I can call you Debbie… and Debbie you can call… me… Al!”

He Looks Good Enough To Eat! 

Saturday was National Cookie Day, and in honor of that, Dunkin Donuts surveyed customers and discovered that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality by the way they eat gingerbread men.  Nearly two-thirds eat the head first, which the director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago says indicates that they are achievement-oriented and won’t take no for an answer.  He said skeptics usually eat the right hand first, creative people eat the left arm, and sensitive people eat the legs.

- Big Al eats the whole thing in one bite and washes it down with a diet coke!

- IN A RELATED STORY… The Gingerbread man lost his Gingerbread house in the sub-prime mortgage crisis and was forced to move in with his girlfriend, Lorna Doone. 

- Critics blasted all people who “dunk” him in a glass of milk…  accusing them of waterboarding the Gingerbread man. 

- I have no opinion on the issue as I’m a Snickerdoodle man myself.  

Woman Gets Frosty Reception From Police 

Police in Cheatham, England got an emergency call from a woman reporting a theft.  She said she hadn’t been out to check on him for five hours, but when she did, he was gone.  When cops asked who “he” was, she replied, “my snowman”. 

- The same thing happens to me with my front yard snowman every spring.

- Police described the woman as hysterical, saying she had, “a complete meltdown”.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1923, Calvin Coolidge gave the first presidential address broadcast on radio.

- After his speech, he announced that the tenth caller would win a pair of tickets to the “Al Jolson Christmas Spectacular”.

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

 

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"Around the World in 80 Seconds" (if you read really fast!)

Today, December 3rd, is my wife Gail’s birthday!  I started what I like to call the “Birthday Festival” by taking her to the Fox Theater Thursday night to see her favorite musical group (and mine too), “Celtic Thunder”.  The group consists of five guys from Ireland and one from Scotland, backed up by a full orchestra.  For those of you not familiar with the group, they have three albums out which feature a compilation of American pop and Irish and Scottish standards.  But with the holidays upon us, the first act of last night’s show was all Christmas music, and the second half featured new stuff and some highlights from their previous albums.   

 

I can’t tell you how good these guys are and what a great show they put on!  First I should note that the singers range in age from 18 to 43 -  and all have incredibly distinctive voices.  When the group first formed 4 years ago, the now 18-year-old Damian McGinty was, of course, just 14.  He amassed an amazing following among young girls - including my granddaughter Julia, age 13, who has seen the group 3 times along with a bunch of her girlfriends. (One time in Chicago!)  Damian’s kind of like Justin Beiber in a kilt but with a voice you wouldn’t believe!  And amazingly enough, when he first started he had to be taught each English song word by word as he only spoke Gaelic!  

Although last night’s show was their only appearance in Detroit this season, they have CD’s and DVD’s available and I highly recommend them if you are looking for a special gift for someone on your list.  The first one called, “The Show” is my favorite - and go for the DVD! To actually watch the performers really adds to the experience.  

Believe it or not, after we got home last night, Gail and I actually watched our DVD of “The Show”.  So all told… we experienced about four hours of Celtic Thunder last night.  (Do you have to go to the hospital after watching more than four hours of Celtic Thunder?) 

Just one more thing about that… Rumor has it that the guy’s counterparts, “Celtic Women”, who dance as well as sing, are coming to the Fox on April 7th. I haven’t heard or seen them, but the reviews I’ve read are outstanding!

By the way, as we were walking out the door to go last night, the phone rang.  It was Carol Lausman, the wife of Captain David Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the USS George Washington nuclear aircraft carrier based in Japan.  That’s the aircraft carrier you’ve been seeing on TV all week during the war games off the coast of South Korea.  Dave and Carol are origianlly from Detroit and when I was on the air would listen to the show on the Internet.  They called-in a few times and even visited us in the studio when Dave was on leave.  

I remember how Jackie and Rebekah literally swooned in “An Officer and A Gentlemen” kind of way when Dave walked in the studio in his dress blues! 

Carol said the war games went well and that Dave will most likely be bringing the GW and it’s crew of 6000 back to port around the middle of this month. 

By the way… if you see me anywhere around town, I’ll most likely be proudly wearing the USS George Washington baseball cap that Dave and Carol gave me last time they were in town! 

 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday!

- Dick 

 

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

And David Hasselhoff Still Isn’t One Of Them…

A Yale University study suggests that there might be three times a many stars as previously thought.  The new estimate is 300 sextillion stars, which is 300 followed by 21 zeroes. 

- So if you thought the Big Dipper was impressive, wait ‘til you get a load of the “Large Ladel”!

- “Sextillion” … That’s also the name used to describe the number of hookers Charlie Sheen has beeen with.

- Upon hearing the news, singer Don McLean announced plans for a new single, “REALLY REALLY Starry Starry Night”.

- If Vincent Van Gogh had had to paint that many stars he would have cut his other ear off!

I’m Anti-Bacterial!

NASA is set to make a major announcement today about the possibility of alien life.  They haven’t found any little green men, but they’ve reportedly found bacteria at the bottom of California’s Mono Lake, which is heavy in arsenic.  The idea is that if bacteria can live in an environment so poisonous it’s considered un-survivable, then that ups the chances of finding life on other planets. 

- What a great idea!  Bring indestructible bacteria to the surface that can kill us, just to prove there might be life somewhere else!

- Of course we already have a toxic substance available that makes people look like aliens:  Botox

Simply The Best?   

First Lady Michelle Obama has selttled on a theme for the White House holiday decorations:  “Simple Gifts”.  To emphasize the simple things that bring joy at Christmas, dozens of volunteers came from around the U.S. to make decorations from basic, even reusable materials including wood, newspaper and magazine pages.

- One woman made a string of paper garland from a copy of the health care bill that stretches all the way to China!

- Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like an ornament made out of recycled toilet paper.

Way To Go!

Nancy Pelosi might actually approve of one thing that incoming GOP Speaker John Boehner plans to change about Congress.  He’s remodeling a swanky office space adjacent to the House floor so that women will finally have a ladies restroom close by.

- Giving credit where credit is due, Boehner admitted that putting peep-holes in the walls was Bill Clinton’s idea.

- Up until now, it’s been like the old days at Pine Knob where the women just push there way into the men’s room.

- Maybe the lack of a ladies room is where they got the term “filibuster”.  

- The guy who’s office they’re taking over says he’s not going to take this sitting down.  Then again, he doesn’t have too!

It’s A Little Big For A Stocking Stuffer 

On December 16th, Nate D. Sanders auction house in Santa Monica will offer the ultimate collectible for JFK conspiracy buffs:  Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin.  It was exhumed in 1981, on his widow’s theory that a lookalike was buried in it.  Tests showed it was the real Oswald and he was reburied in a new coffin.  Bidding on the old, water-damaged one starts at $1000.

- It sounds gross but makes for a nice lawn decoration if you display it on a nice grassy knoll.

- Right now, Oliver Stone is wetting his pants.

C’mon, Deck The Halls Already! 

A new Rasmussen survey finds that 60% of American households say they plan to decorate their homes for the holiday.  However, Christmas is just 23 days away and only 22% have finished putting them up.  Not surprisingly, fewer men than woman have even gotten started yet.

- Elton John and Adam Lambert said that their houses are completely decorated and they’ve already donned their gay apparel.

A Sign Of The Times

In Spokane, Washington, freak weather conditions involving heavy snow piles are making an electronic “Don’t Walk” sign that shows an upraised hand, appear to show only the middle finger raised.  So basically it looks like it’s giving pedestrians the finger.  Officials say they’ll fix the problem after they clear up more pressing issues like plowing the streets.

- Following everyone’s mother’s advice to NOT touch your tongue to anything cold in the wintertime because it will stick, the city is now putting up signs that say, “Lick it or Ticket”.  

No Doggs Allowed

Snoop Dogg dedicated his new single “Wet” to Prince William’s bachelor party in hopes of being asked to perform at the event, but Palace officials say any party arrangements will be private. 

- Besides, William’s brother, Prince Harry has already booked his favorite band, “Adolf and the Hit-lers”.

- They were thinking of having Prince Charles wife Camilla sing at the party, but apparently her voice is a little horse. 

Blowing Out The Candles…

And Happy Birthday to Britney Spears who turns 29 today! 

- She’ll mark the occasion by wearing panties!

 

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

 

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Not Everybody Loves A Man In Uniform!

Tuesday, the Pentagon released its long-awaited survey on the effect of repealing the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on gays serving openly in the military.  Two-thirds of current service members said they would have no problem with lifting the ban on openly gay or lesbian soldiers or sailors.  But one third, many of them in combat roles did object, including 58% of combat marines.  But 69% of troops believed they had already served alongside a gay person, and only 8% believed their units functioned poorly as a result. 

- So their units functioned poorly?  They have medication for that now!

- The one’s who complained said they wouldn’t want to share a fox hole with a gay guy, but they wouldn’t mind letting him decorate it.

- But the marines have so much in common with the gay guys!  They’re all just looking for a few good men! 

The Yawn Of Civilization

Cambridge University researchers have declared April 11, 1954 as the most boring day of the 20th century.  Why?  That was the only day of that century where no major events took place.  The biggest celeb who died that day was 69-year-old soccer player Jack Shufflebotham and the only significant person born was future Turkish microwave expert, Adbulla Atalar. 

- So if you were born on April 11, 1954 and your parents always seemed bored by you – now you know why!

- I thought the most boring day of the 20th Century was the day my fellow Kenmore High School Graduate Wolf Blitzer was born.

Paper, Plastic or Excess Skin?  

Police in Edmond, Oklahoma, arrested two women who were allegedly trying to shoplift at TJ Maxx by hiding merchandise in the folds of their “Excess skin,” under their chests and armpits.  Clerks caught them with $2600 worth of stuff concealed in their folds of fat, including a wallet, a pair of gloves, three pairs of jeans and four pairs of boots. 

- It’s always hard to find a good place to hide Christmas gifts… you gotta give these two ladies points for originality!

- The store has marked the jeans as, “Previously worn… sort of”.

- Four pair of boots may sound hard to hide under your “excess skin”, but in all fairness, they were size 6 with a low heal. 

- Maybe the police should check these two for Jimmy Hoffa! 

Gloria Vander-Built Ford Tough!

Ford announced yesterday that they’re going to use re-cycled jeans in the new Ford Focus Compact for sound-deadening under the floor.

- For the deluxe edition, they’ll use designer jeans. 

- And if you want a really quiet ride, you can upgrade to the Kim Kardasian line! 

Battery Included! 

Police in Florida arrested 35 year old Yanet Barreto Carter after she allegedly got into an argument with her husband about a young woman and threw a bowl of beans and a bottle of cologne at him.  She was charged with simple battery.

- She said she couldn’t help throwing the cologne at him… it was an “Obsession”.

It’s Not A Book… But You Won’t Be Able To Put It Down!

Playboy magazine announced that it will market a $300 computer hard drive containing scanned copies of every complete issue of the magazine from 1953 to 2010.  They issued a statement reading, “Why would you let more than 650 of your favorite Playmates celebrate the holidays in a damp garage, stored under your bed, or crowded in your basement, when you can bring them all together beneath the mistletoe this year?”

- It’s the gift that Dad and all the boys in the family can enjoy! 

- I can just imagine how Norman Rockwell would have painted this one! 

- It comes with a great return policy… of course no one will use it. 

- For the older dad’s on your list… there are plans to bring out a hard drive featuring the 1953 to 2010 issues of National Geographic. 

In A Related Story…

On this day in 1953, the first issue of Playboy went on sale, featuring a centerfold of a nude Marilyn Monroe bought from a calendar company.  A mint condition copy is now worth over $10,000.

- So apparently, now you can have Marilyn Monroe on your hard drive. 

 

Have a great first day of December!  And to our pal Morey and all of our Jewish friends, Happy Hanukah! See you tomorrow…

- Dick

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

She’s Got A Lot More Than Just A Travel Visa…

The furor over the Wikileaks dump of diplomatic cables isn’t dying down. Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was embarrassed by the revelation that she ordered embassy staffers to gather info on foreign U.N. oficials, including credit card numbers, fingerprints and DNA samples. 

- She got the DNA idea from Monica Lewisnky. 

- And she has Bill dusted for fingerprints every day!

- It’s only fair that she got the Nigerian President’s credit card number.  I just got an e-mail from one of his people asking for mine so I can get ten million dollars!

Of Mice and Men

A Cancer researcher at Harvard claims to have found a way to reverse many of the symptoms of aging.  He gave elderly mice a shot of a drug that turns on an enzyme that makes the body generate new cells.  Within two months, the mice had replaced so many old cell with new ones, they were almost completely rejuvenated and even started fathering litters of babies with much younger females.  While it could take ten years to make a human version, he said the mice experiments are the equivalent of turning an 80-year-old man back into a 50-year-old. 

- With his six girlfriends, I’m pretty sure Hugh Hefner perfected this drug years ago.  

- 80 year-old-women are thrilled!  If it works, they’ll get to go through menopause all over again!

How Much Do I Have To Shell Out For The Turtle Doves?  

PNC Wealth Management released its annual estimate of the cost of giving all the gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Despite government claims that there is almost no inflation, the gifts would cost a total of $23,439 this year up almost two grand from last year.  The biggest jump was a a 30% rise in the price of Five Gold Rings.  The price of Three French Hens also soared 233% to $150, and higher wages and benefits for entertainers led to an $820 increase in the cost of hiring Nine Ladies Dancing.  

- Thank God Kwame’s in prison!  Imagine how much city money he would have spent on lap-dancing ladies at the annual it-never-happened party at the Manoogian Mansion! 

- The dancers also cost more this year because one of them was arrested and had to be bailed out of jail after being charged with prostitution.      

- It was hard to track down Three French Hens as they were off rioting in Paris over the two-year extension on the retirement age.  Then they spit on the reporter.  

- If you want to see Ten Lords a Leaping for under a hundred bucks, just sit in the audience of an Adam Lambert concert.  

- SAD NOTE:  This year, nearly all the maids-a-milking interviewed admitted they were lactose intolerant. 

Apparently Kermit Was Right, “It’s Not Easy Being Green”

Noted green lecturer and recycling activist Bono is embarking on the biggest touring production in rock history. U2’s “360 Degrees Tour” will cost $850,00 a day and require six 747’s and 55 trucks.  The previous record holders, the Rolling Stones, used only 46 trucks. 

- Maybe this should be called the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do Tour”. 

- To the bands credit, they will sell concert T-shirts made of 100% recycled material… made by kids in Chinese sweatshops.  

“Tis a Tangled Web We Weave”… Literally!

History’s most expensive show, the $65 million dollar “Spider-Man” musical, with a score by the above-mentioned Bono, had a disastrous first preview Sunday.  Special effects snafus forced the show to stop five times and run 3 and 1/2 hours. Some lowlights:  During the opening number, a lead actress was left dangling helplessly over the audience for eight minutes, wires fell on the crowd, and the “Green Goblin” character killed time by sitting at the piano and improvising “I’ll Take Manhattan, which one man called, “the best part of the show”.  Even Spider-Man was left hanging by a wire.  Toward the end, one woman yelled, “I don’t know about you, but I feel like a guinea pig tonight!”

- Sounds like this show has been cursed by “The Phantom of the Opera”!

- When asked for a comment on the glitches, Bono said, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. 

- I almost invested in this show but luckily opted out and put my money in an upcoming re-make of “The Sound of Music” starring Charlie Sheen as “Captain Von Clapp”!

“And the Oscar, like, goes to, like, um…”

The Oscars have chosen some rather surprising co-hosts for this years Academy Awards:  Actors Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  Academy organizers claim they’re doing it to “celebrate young talent”… but the bottom line is, they want to attract a younger audience. 

- They should have just gone with Justin Bieber for the really young viewers and for the slightly-older but still young demo, Macauly Culkin.  

- I don’t care who hosts the show as long as Kanye West doesn’t show up. 

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… the 1st of December!

- Dick

 

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"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

I’ve Got Good News And Bad News…

Congratulations to the Spartans!  Amazing!  As for Michigan… you’ve left us all a little “A-Dazed and Blue”…

R.I.P. Leslie Neilsen

The brilliant comedic actor who made “Don’t call me Shirley” a household expression died in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from complications of pneumonia.  Though we remember him best from the “Airplane” and as Lt. Frank Drebin in “Police Squad” and “The Naked Gun” movies… he actually began his career as a “serious” actor – even playing the ships Captain in “The Poseidon Adventure”.  Lucky for us, he turned to comedy.  Neilsen was 84. 

 

Use Your Mouse and Save Some Cheese!

Today is “Cyber Monday” – the on-line shopping equivalent of “Black Friday” with retailers offering major savings to internet shoppers. 

- Employers were worried that it would reduce productivity until someone pointed out that it will just cut down the time workers spend watching internet porn at the office. 

Shop ‘til Someone Drops!  

Retail sales on Black Friday were up 0.3 percent, but big crowds and long waits in the cold took a toll on shoppers’ patience. Police had to be called when thousand of shoppers rushed a Toys R Us in Grand Chute, Wisconsin and there was a scary pileup of stampeding shoppers trying to get into a Target in Buffalo.

- People in Buffalo don’t usually “stampede”, they usually “shuffle”! 

“Geoffrey the Giraffe” suffered whiplash in the Toys R Us incident and now has to wear a neck brace…

It Sounds Like A Bladder Control Issue…

“Wilileaks” sparked outrage by posting more than 200 thousand secret internal diplomatic communications leased from the U. S. State Department.  Aside from endangering confidential intelligence sources, they also reveal what diplomats and other officials actually think of various world leaders.  Among the revelations:  German leader Angela Merkel is “driven by paranoia” and that Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi has a fulltime nurse who’s a “hot blond”.

- Wow is that girl lucky!  Not only is she a hot blond, she gets to give Moammar Gadhafi sponge baths! 

- Angela Merkel is paranoid that nobody will take her seriously because she’s not a hot blond.

Their Relationship Was A Bust!

A man in Germany identified only as “Carston” is demanding a refund for his ex-girlfriend Anastasia’s breasts.  He agreed to loan her over $5000 (US) to get implants on the condition that she would stay with him for one year.  They broke up shortly after the surgery and now he wants the cash.  She says she’s repaid $3700 so far, and she’s afraid that if she doesn’t come up with the rest of the money, he’ll have police repossess her breasts.

- So to keep her breasts, it’s gonna cost her an arm and a leg.  

- They’ll be entered into evidence as exhibits “D” and “D”.

- They’ve agreed to a payment schedule… She’s now on the lay-away plan!

Wife Describes Husband as “Dumb as a Brick!” 

Reuters reports that a retiree in Germany decided to seal off the entrance to his cellar by bricking it up.  It was only after he’d finished the job that he realized he was on the wrong side of the wall and had bricked himself into his own basement.  Several days later, he escaped by drilling through a neighbor’s wall… since he didn’t want to wreck the one he’d just built. 

- His father did the same thing when he helped build the Berlin Wall.  

- Amazingly, when he emerged, Geraldo Rivera was there with a live camera crew.

I Love The Smell Of Pot-Pourri…

Willie Nelson was busted for pot possession in Texas after a Border Patrol officer smelled marijuana smoke coming from his tour bus. 

- Luckily these days Willie can claim he’s smoking pot for his glaucoma. 

- Willie has renamed his touring vehicle the “Canna-Bus”. 

- Willie Nelson smokes pot?  What’s next?  Charlie Sheen gets caught with a hooker?

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1948, India officially abolished the concept of “untouchability”.

- Thus allowing millions of Americans to “reach out and touch” someone in India in order to get their computer fixed! 

- And just a few weeks ago, the TSA introduced “Touchability” at US airports!

 

Have a great Cyber Monday and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

 

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"Don't Rain On My Parade"... (it didn't!)

Happy day-after Thanksgiving! I hope you had a good holiday and were able to share it with with those that mean the most to you. 

Before our annual family get together, Gail and I had something new to do this year.  Our day started with the alarm going off at 5:30am so we could get dressed and ready for the Parade.  Since I was co-Grand Marshall, The Parade Company President Tony Michaels and the committee were gracious enough to send a limo to pick Gail and me up to take us downtown.  Our first stop, Hockeytown, for an interview on Channel 4. Then back into the limo for a 5 minute ride to the Compuware building, for a pre-parade breakfast.  (They even made an egg-white omelet for me!) 

At 8:45, they limoed us, along with my co-Grand Marshall, DTE Board Chariman, Tony Earley and his wife Sarah, up Woodward to the Whitney Restaurant which was in the “holding area” location.  

After a half an hour or so there, we walked across the street to our waiting vehicles:  two Chrysler Sebring convertibles.  We then entered the parade in our assigned position (#23) about two slots behind “The Cow Jumping Over The Moon”, and we were underway for an hours ride!  

Now, having ridden up and down Woodward Avenue in 14 Woodward Dream Cruises in an open convertible, doing the same thing Thursday, was in a way similar… only colder!  Gail and I had prepared for the dismal forecast - in fact I bought a rain-repellent fur-lined hat with ear-flaps.  I wore it for the first 15 minutes, and then decided I didn’t need the ear flaps… besides, they made me look even dorkier than usual!   

I have to say riding in the Parade as co-Grand Marshall was not only an incredible honor, it was great fun!  The spirit of Detroit was never so apparent to me as it was as I watched the hundreds of thousands of people - as they say, “kids from 1 to 92” - lining Woodward Avenue on a cold, damp, blustery, Thanksgiving morning.   

As I rode up Woodward Avenue in an open convertible waving to the crowd, somehow it didn’t seem so cold. Maybe it was the thousands of people waving back! 

- Dick

P.S.  A special hello and thanks to my friend Captain Dave Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the nuclear powered aircraft carrier, the “USS George Washington”.  He and his six thousand strong crew are currently deployed off the coast of South Korea, following North Korea’s unprovoked attack earlier this week. I am truly thankful for them, their families and all of those who answer the call!

FINAL NOTE:  Saturday, Michgan State vs. Penn State… Go Green!!!!! And in honor of Michigan’s game in Columbus, click below to hear “Liquidate Ohio State” and Doc Andrews famous Mr. Michigan piece.  Go Blue!!!!! 

Liquidate Ohio State 

Mr. Michigan & the Ohio State Marching Band

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As Adam Said, "It's Thanksgiving, Eve!"

“I See London!  I See France!  I See THROUGH Your Underpants!”

Today is the biggest travel day of the year and outrage over the TSA’s “Nude Body Scan” or “Extreme Pat Down” policy threatens to cause even longer delays at airports.  And now travelers have added a new complaint:  TSA screeners don’t change their rubber gloves between searches. 

- They wear rubber gloves?  At least they’re practicing “safe groping”!

Meanwhile screeners claim they’re not thrilled about it either.  One said, he’s not comfortable going to work, knowing his hands will be on another man’s genitals, inner thighs and butt, but still worse is having to feel between rolls of flab.  He said a lot of airline passengers are obese “and have a problem understanding what personal hygiene is.”

- I sympathize with the TSA workers (they couldn’t pay me enough to take that job) …the next step will be that all passengers have to pass “the smell test”.  

- If they think they’re going to have to deal with rolls of fat the day before Thanksgiving, just wait until the people are flying home!

- So far, they haven’t found any weapons in the flaps of flab, but they have confiscated several half-eaten sandwiches, 37 semi-melted Snickers Bars and a dozen cans of Pringles.

Here Comes The Son…

Experts on North Korea believe that dictator Kim Jon-Il launched a surprise artillery attack on a sparsely populated South Korean island because he’s handing over power to his son.  They think he’s trying to work up patriotic emotions so North Koreans will embrace and rally around his son.

… Biff Jong Il

- Nothing says, “You’re gonna love my son!” like bombing innocent people in another country.

- This is great for the heir apparent who’s really been down since losing his two BFF’s…  Uday and Qusay Hussein. 

- This just in:  South Korea has officially “un-friended” North Korea on Facebook!

Blame Canada! 

Canada’s Industrial Minister Tony Clement was recently giving a speech and meant to say “We need more Canadian success stories.”  Instead, he said, “We need more Canadian sex stories”, which was met with roaring laughter from the crowd.  He later insisted that he had not been thinking of sex at the time, and that he didn’t know why he said that, adding that “The male brain is a very strange organ at times, isn’t it?”

- Well the Canadian’s did give us a picture of former Prime Minister Trudeau’s ex-wife Margaret wearing a skirt with no panties!  (That’s SORT of a sex story…)

He Calls You “Pumpkin” For A Reason!

Looks aren’t everything… scent is also a big factor in sexual attraction.  Researchers in Chicago had men age 18 to 64 smell 40 different aromas and measured the blood flow to you-know-where to see which ones sexually aroused them.  The most arousing single stimulant?  Pumpkin pie.  The least arousing was cranberries, but one researcher said the good news is that “nothing turns a man off.”

- Well, D’uh!

- This could lead to some embarrassing moments during dessert time at the family Thanksgiving table.  

- Guys if you want to eat Thanksgiving Dinner on time, don’t go near your wife while she’s cooking it! 

- Hey!  This this might give people something to do while the Lions are on…   

- And you thought the Turkey was the only thing with a pop-up timer on Thanksgiving! 

In Keeping With Tradition…

I thought I’d wrap up today’s post with something I used to play on the air each Thanksgiving Eve morning. It’s a poem, originally done by Victor Buono, but eloquently recited by the one “Purtan’s Person” uniquely qualified to do so.  Just click below to hear, “The Fat Man’s Prayer”.  

Enjoy!  And from my family to you and yours… have a safe, happy and healthy Thanksgiving Weekend and I hope to see you in person at the Parade.  (Or if not… as co-Grand Marshall, I’ll wave to you on television… they tell me around 10:40am!)

- Dick  

“The Fat Man’s Prayer”

 

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