Comment

Dazed and Blue...

So Rich Rod is gone.  While I certainly understand the decision by Athletic Director Dave Brandon, I feel bad for the coach on a personal level.  We had a good relationship to the extent that I talked to him every Friday morning on the air his first two seasons.  I always tried to keep the conversations informative and yet friendly and entertaining… I wasn’t trying to be a sports reporter putting him through the ropes.  I didn’t see that as my role.  

Since things weren’t going so well with the team during most of that time, I guess he appreciated my approach to our talks, because when I retired last March, he sent me and the morning team all sorts of Michigan merchandise including official jackets, warm-up suits, sweatshirts, etc… He even sent two bonafide Michigan Helmets autographed by himself, and then A.D. Bill Martin.  

And so the Rich Rod experiment is over.  Back three years ago, Michigan purposely wanted to change their style of play and make it a much more wide-open game.  Rich obviously accomplished that on the offensive side, but the lack of defense didn’t measure up and was the undoing of him and the team. 

He and his family have been through three extremely tough years at Michigan and although I think he’s a very good football coach, as proven by his time at West Virginia, (where they came within one game of playing for the BCS Title Championship), things just didn’t workout in Ann Arbor.  

A lot of people are saying that “Rich Rod didn’t fit” - but had their been more wins, I think those same people would be saying “He fit like a glove”!

I wish him good luck no matter which school’s gridiron he lands on! 

 

Today’s Almanac

Speaking of getting the ax, on this day in 1540, British King Henry VIII married his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves. They split six months later. 

- Not her head from her body, as was his habit… the marriage was annulled.  

And finally, on this day in 1942, the “Pacific Clipper” landed in New York, becoming the first commercial airplane to fly round-the-world.  It took over 200 hours.  

- 201… if you count the full body scan and pat down!  

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with “The Week That Was”!

- Dick 

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Nancy, John & A Bill

The 112th Congress convenes today, meaning Nancy Pelosi has to hand over her “Speaker of the House” gavel to Republican John Boehner.  

- We’ll still have a bunch of boobs in Congress… but the leader’s won’t be nearly as big as we’re used to.

The new Republican House members plan to waste no time in setting a new “cost cutting” style and undoing as much of the last two years as possible.  They’ve already written a bill to repeal the entire 2,500 page Obamacare bill.  It’s just two pages long, including the title page. 

- They were going to send it out on “Twitter” but they were over by three characters!

You Can Ask, You Can Tell, But You Can’t Make Videos!

Capt. Owen P. Honors has been fired as commander of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier for producing and appearing in raunchy, humorous videos to be played on shipboard TV.  The Pentagon says crude sexual innuendo is not appropriate for today’s sailors.

- As opposed to every sailor since Christopher Columbus.  

- I think they could have chosen a better word than “innuendo”!

- He’s already been offered a job as the navy guy in the Senior Touring Company of “The Village People”.

- I remember when Captain Boblo got into the same trouble and was transfered to a dingy in Lake St. Clair.

Can We At Least Put Our Tray Table In It’s Full and Upright Position?

Britain’s Civil Aviation Authority is refusing to renew the license of Mile High Flights, a charter service that takes couples in a specially equipped Cessna so they can join the Mile High Club.  Officials say they’re not making moral judgements, they just believe sex in the sky might distract the pilots.

- Nonsense!  The pilots are way too busy having sex with the flight attendants!

- Besides, the pilots are already distracted by the drinks they had in the airport bar before they took off.  

- So now I guess frisky fliers will just have to settle for the full body scan and extreme pat down.

A Hairy-Tale Ending…

University of Pennsylvania researchers believe they’ve discovered the root cause of male pattern baldness.  They say the stem cells that produce new hair are there, but are defective and produce hairs so small they’re invisible to the naked eye.  They’re working on a cream to help grow larger hairs.

- In the meantime, they’ve introduced a new shampoo for folic-ley  challenged men:  “Gee Your Invisible Hair Smells Terrific!”

- So apparently, if you look at Big Al’s head through a microscope, you’d see he actually has more hair than Rod Blagojevich.

Taylor’s Been Swift-Boated?

Taylor Swift may be pretty, talented and successful but when she’s on the cover of magazines those issues don’t sell well.  A media spokesperson said that Taylor doesn’t have the type of narrative people like to follow, like Kim Kardashian, and that, “the days of being a nice person and just looking pretty on a cover are behind us.”

- So this finally explains why the issue of “Glamour” with Monica Conyers on the cover didn’t sell well! 

I Wanna Marry a Woman Just Like The One Who Turned Into Dear Old Dad!

Stick with me on this one… Czech TV reports that 15 years ago, Ilona Tomeckova left her husband and young son to move away and have a sex change operation.  Once “Ilona” became “Dominik”, he fell in love with a woman named Andrea who used to be a male body-builder before having sexual reassignment surgery.  When Dominik contacted his old husband, he was stunned to learn the the son he had given birth to when he was a woman, was having a sex change to become a girl.  

- Friends and relatives say, “He has his fathers nose and his mothers…….!”  

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Disney Introduces New Character:  “Gropey”

A Pennsylvania woman who says Donald Duck groped her at Disney’s Epcot Center in Florida can have her day in court.  April Magolon’s claims that the character grabbed her breast as she held her child at the Park and then joked about it. 

- Apparently she took offense after Donald groped her chest and began singing, “It’s a Small World Afterall”.

- Shouldn’t her first clue have been the fact that the guy wasn’t wearing any pants?

- It’s gonna cost a fortune to defend Donald… luckily, Disney will be footing the Bill.

- Since this happened in Epcot, why didn’t Donald just flee five steps over to France and fight extradition?

Brown Is The New “In The Red”

Yesterday in Sacramento, Arnold Schwarzenegger stepped down as Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown was sworn in (again) as Governor of California.  To emphasize the “painful choices” that will have to be made to close the state’s $29 billion budget gap, his inaugural lunch was hot dogs.

- Followed by “totally groovy” hash brownies.

-  former girlfriend Linda Rondstadt performed “When Will I Be Loved?, to which 72 year old Jerry replied, “Just as soon as I get my prescription refilled”.

- With the mess California is in, this was the only time in history former Governor Schwarzenegger said, “I WON’T be back!”

She Prefers Coke to Pepsi… 

Lindsay Lohan finished her court-ordered rehab stay and left the Betty Ford Center Monday.  Her mother had claimed that Lindsay planned to stay for another week of treatment and classes because she was so serious about getting clean and sober.  But, true to form, Lindsay walked out the second she was able and didn’t say where she was going.

- Of course she didn’t say where she was going, she didn’t even know where she was!

- The Betty Ford Clinic is so grateful for all the money Lindsay has spent there, they’re naming a wing – I’m sorry, that’s a revolving door – after her.

When The Rubber Met The Road 

A driver in Pennsylvania caused a mior car crash after he stopped suddenly when he thought there was a person lying in the road.  The “person” turned out to be an inflatable sex doll. Nobody was injured, however the man who slammed on the brakes was rear-ended.

- Not to mention the doll!

- Police suspect that the man who pushed the doll out of the car was mad at her for giving him the silent treatment.

- Maybe she was out for a jog and sprung a leak.

From the Not-So-Shocking-News-Department…

A new survey has found that nearly every woman who looks in the mirror sees herself as fat.  A diet company surveyed only healthy people whose weight was right for their height.  Still, only 13% of women said they were happy with what they saw. When asked to pick a word to describe how they looked, only 6% said “slim” and 17% said “fat”.  On the other hand, among men whose weight was proportional to their height, only six percent thought they looked fat.

- Of course those men were all hair-dressers.

- To keep with the times, Disney immediately re-wrote Snow White’s lines to read, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall… Who’s the fattest of them all”.

- NOTE TO MEN:  Be careful if you’re wife asks, “Does this mirror make my butt look big?” 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1961, history’s longest recorded strike ended when Danish barber’s assistants went back to work after 33 years.

- Finally, they got to get out of the house and go back to spending eight hours a day sitting in a barber chair reading the paper!  

- If it weren’t for the barber strike the Beatles would have had brush cuts!

Speaking of hair… 2011 marks the 50th anniversary of the “Beehive” hairdo.  

- The 60’s… a great fashion decade!  Beehive hairdos and Torpedo bras!  

Three hot chicks re-create the 60’s… minus the beehive!  (and Big Al’s hair)

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Comment

1 Comment

We're Back!

Hope everyone had a great holiday season!  Mine was terrific…. family, friends, food & fun!  Speaking of that, a special thanks to Captain Dave Lausman, the Commanding Officer of the USS George Washington Nuclear Aircraft Carrier based in Japan, and his wife Carol. for the very special gifts!  (I sent them a fruitcake so Dave can use it in case the GW has to go into battle against North Korea!)

And now on with the news…  

STOP LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

If one of your New Year’s Resolutions is to stop using annoying words or phrases, Lake Superior State University in Michigan has some tips for you.  They released their annual “Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness” list for 2010.  Among the no-no-‘s: “man up”, “the American People”, “I’m just sayin’”, and “live life to the fullest”. 

- It’s not that I disagree, I’m just sayin’ that I want to assure the American People that this year I will man-up and live life to the fullest!

A lot of internet phrases were banished as well, including “viral,” “epic”, “fail” and using “Google” and “Facebook” as verbs as in “Just Google it” or “I was Facebooking last night”.

- So now videos on YouTube won’t go “Viral”, they’ll go “Non-Bacterial”.

- But Googling is just so… Epic!

- Is it just me or does spending the night “Facebooking” sound like something that leaves you with chapped lips and a hickey?

I Don’t Think Santa’s Elves Made This Toy…

Carolee Bildsten of Illinois, made national headlines after she allegedly threatened to hit a police officer with a female sex toy when he was investigating a claim that she’d run out on a check at Joe’s Crab Shack. Last week she failed to show up for her arraignment so she was rearrested, forced to pay $10,000 bond, and will be back in court on the 14th.

- It’s a good thing she didn’t actually hit the police officer with the sex toy… being a woman she would have been able to do it multiple times. 

- Ironically, when police pulled her over, she was listening to the Beach Boys “Good Vibrations” on her iTouch.

He Should Have Flown A Turk-ish Airline

Security guards at an airport in Wales confiscated a 10-lb. frozen turkey from a passenger’s carry-on luggage that he was taking home to his family for Christmas dinner.  He said it’s impossible to buy a good turkey in Spain, but the guards told him it’s illegal to bring perishable food onto a jet without permission and took it away. 

- Amazingly, even with the full-body scan nobody noticed the giblets in his pants.

Their Glass Is Always (at least) Half-Full…

TheDailyBeast.com did a survey to determine the drunkest city in America… and the winner is:  Milwaukee.  

- Detroit didn’t even make the top 40; then again the survey was taken before the Lions won their fourth game in a row! 

- Los Angeles would have come in first, but Charlie Sheen was on vacation and Lindsay Lohan was in rehab at the time. 

BTW…

Lindsay is scheduled to be sprung from the Betty Ford Clinic today.  

- In her honor, the Homeland Security Department has upped today’s terror level by two notches.  

 

Have a great day… and a great year!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

 

 

1 Comment

2 Comments

"It's The Most Wonderful DAY of the Year!"

 

One of these guys scarfed down a whole lot of cookies and milk last night. 

HINT: He’s the one without a beard!

*****

As you wade through a sea of torn wrapping paper, you might want to take a listen to one of our all-time favorite put on calls.  (And apparently one of our listener favs too!)  We’ve gotten a lot of requests to post it, and being the holidays and all, it just made sense.  Hope you enjoy it!

Farmer Jack Put-On Call to Lisa Rossi

 

“That Purtan guy can really put away the cookies!  Lucky for me… he left out a protein bar and some pomegranite juice!”

 

Here’s wishing you and yours a healthy, happy and wonderful day! Merry Christmas from me and all of Purtan’s People! 

- Dick

P.S.  What do Santa Claus and Charlie Sheen have in common?  Ho Ho Ho!

2 Comments

Comment

A Little Old, A Little New... Here's a Little Christmas Gift For You!

 

 

From Best of Purtan Volume 7

“The Purtan’s People Kiddie Christmas”

 

From Best of Purtan Volume 9

“The Krapco Christmas Catalog”

 

 

The following poem was a Christmas tradition read by our pal Morey.  It was given to us by loyal listener Dan Powell of Livonia.

11:00 Mass

The snowdrift was blowing out of doors,

The drifts were piling high,

And I could see the pedestrians,

As they were passing by.

 

The faces of my Irish friends,

came dimly through the glass,

as they trudged the icy streets,

to worship at their Mass.

 

I watched awhile, went back to bed

and cuddled safe and sound,

as they braved those icy streets,

on a sacred duty bound.

 

I envy them, their strength of heart,

And faith that they re-new,

But on an ice-cold Sunday morn,

it’s good to be a Jew. 

 

…And to all a goodnight!

- Dick

 

Comment

Comment

Some Classics from Holidays Past...

Here they are:  Two of my Christmas favs from the morning show!  Enjoy!

“A Politically Incorrect Christmas”

 “Walkin’ ‘Round In Women’s Underwear”

And now on with the news…

You Ain’t No Santa, Baby!

Cops in Ohio rushed to the Dayton Mall Wednesday after receiving a call that an “unruly group” of people had arrived on two buses, including several intoxicated people dressed as Santa - handing out adult materials and singing naughty Christmas songs. When a female Santa approached a policeman to ask what was going on, he twisted her arm behind her, slammed her into a glass wall, shoved her to the ground, put his knee in her back and handcuffed her.  

 - Isn’t that a line from “Twas the Night Before Christmas”… “And he looked just like a peddler, shoving her to the ground and putting a knee in her back”?  

- This sounds like the plot of a new Vince Vaughn/Will Ferrell movie.

Was The Guy From Chile By Any Chance? 

An airport in Louisiana was evacuated for an hour Wednesday after an x-ray scanner showed a wired device of a mysterious shape.  Police called in bomb-sniffing dogs and other equipment to examine the package.  It turned out to contain a miner’s headlamp and a frozen chicken.  The chicken was also stuffed with crawfish, but the scanner didn’t detect that.  

- Maybe the owner was just trying to save time by thawing out the chicken with the miner’s headlamp while in flight! 

- The frozen chicken was put in the full body scanner and later complained to authorities that the photos showed his frozen giblets.  

But Can He Dance?  

Researchers in Japan are working on what they call the “Evolved Mouse Project”, creating genetically modified mice with random mutations just to see what evolves.  They say they’ve now created a mouse that tweets like a bird.  They call it a “Singing Mouse”.  

- They obviously paid an advertising agency big bucks to come up with the name “Singing Mouse”!

- Excuse me, but didn’t Walt Disney do something like this years ago?  

- They also tried to create a duck with no pants on but it didn’t pass the censors. 

- “Tweety the Bird” is claiming copyright infringement.

And R.I.P. Fred Foy…

The Detroiter and famed announcer for “The Lone Ranger”, on both Radio and TV, has passed away at the age of 89.  Below is a short clip of what many consider to be the most famous opening in broadcast history. (We tried to get the complete opening but this is all we could find!) We miss those thrilling days of yesteryear…

 

Have a great day and see you back here tomorrow… Christmas Eve!

- Dick

 

 

Comment

On the Menu Today: Purtan Family Christmas Dinner Recipe... Plus We Dish The Latest On The News!

Through the years I’ve mentioned what the Purtan Family has for our traditional Christmas dinner and have had many requests for the recipe.  Since this is the season for sharing… here it is!  

Gail’s Chicken Strudel

Filling:

3 Tbls. Butter

3 Tbls. Flour

1/2 tsp. Salt

1/4 tsp. Pepper

1 Cup Chicken Broth

1 Cup Light Cream (Coffee Cream)

3 Egg Yolks

2 Cups Diced Chicken Breasts

Pastry:

Phyllo dough (available at your grocery store or specialty markets)

Melt butter, add flour, seasonings and broth.  Cook 5 minutes.  Stir in cream and beaten egg yolks.  Add chicken; heat but DO NOT BOIL.  

It is best to make this mixture the day before you make the strudels, as it is easier to roll in the dough when it is cold.

Use 3 layers of strudel dough. On a flat surface, brush the first layer of strudel with melted butter.  Carefully lay a second layer of strudel dough on top of the first; brush the second layer with melted butter.  Add a third layer of strudel dough and brush with butter.  Next, spoon some of the chicken filling across the bottom third of the strudel dough, stopping approximately one inch from each side of the strudel dough.  Fold the bottom of the strudel dough up onto  the mixture, then fold the sides of the strudel dough in toward the center of the strudel.  Finally, carefully roll the layers of strudel dough and the mixture away from you until the strudel is fully rolled.  Place the strudel on a non-stick cookie sheet. Repeat until the filling mixture is gone.

Brown at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until golden brown.  Makes 2-3 strudels.  Double or triple the recipe if you are feeding more guests.  In our family, each of us eats approximately 1/2 strudel.

Hot Fruit Compote

12 dried Macaroons, crumbled

4 cups canned fruits, drained and mixed (including peaches pears, apricots, & pineapple)

1/2 cup almonds, slivered and toasted

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup Sherry (optional)

1/4 cup melted butter

Butter a 2 1/2 quart casserole dish.  Cover bottom with macaroon crumbs.  Then alternate fruit and macaroons in layers, finishing with macaroons.  Sprinkle with almonds, brown sugar, and Sherry (if you choose to use it).  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.  Drizzle with melted butter.  Serve hot.  Serves 8.

Bon Appetit! And now… on with the news! 

Hide and Sneak!

If you want to keep your Christmas presents secret, you’d better hide them really well.  A recent poll found that one in three adults already know what they’re getting because they searched for and found their gifts.  One in five pull back the wrapping paper enough to figure out what’s inside, while 1 in 20 just rip the paper off completely.  BTW… women are the bigger snoopers; 30% of men admit to searching for their gifts compared to 40% of women.

- See ladies… this is why men shop at midnight on Christmas Eve! They don’t want you to know what they’re getting you!

- TIP: If you don’t want your husband to find his gift, hide it in the laundry room.  He’ll never go in there! 

Ham on Rye, Hold The Teacher

Veteran teacher Jose Reyes Fernandes of Cadiz, Spain was subjected to an investigation by the cops after a Muslim student claimed that Fernandez offended his religion in class.  His crime?  He mentioned ham!  He told his class that the cold mountain climate of a nearby Spanish town was ideal for curing hams.  The student’s parents filed formal charges including “psychological ill-treatment due to xenophobia and racism”.  The charges have been dropped! 

- Okay, raise your hand if you had to stop for a minute and google the word “xenophobia”? 

- And the teacher had been so sensitive he’d even read the students the Dr. Seuss classic, “Green Eggs & Lamb”.

- Let’s just hope nobody ever tells the kid what’s in the “Mystery Meat” they serve in the cafeteria.

- In a related story, the parents of a vegetarian student have filed charges against the city of Bologna, Italy. 

Boldly Going Where No Theater Group Has Gone Before…

Charles Dickens’ classic, “A Christmas Carol” has been translated into many languages, and now, a Chicago theater company is presenting a version entirely in Klingon – the made-up language from “Star Trek”.  In this version, a miserly Klingon named SQuja (Klingon for Scrooge) is visited by three ghosts on the planet Kronos during the Feast of the Long Night.  They inspire him to become a “true warrior” and save the sickly “Tiny Tim”.  The play includes three battle scenes and English subtitles.

- At the end of the play, “Tiny Tim” says, “God bless us, everyone… Tim, out”.

- William Shatner in encouraging people to save money by buying their tickets on Priceline.com.

- After the first act, you’re gonna wish there was a teleporter to get you the hell out of the theater.

That’ll Keep ‘Em Guessing!

Tuesday, Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano said the U.S. government is working “24/7, 364 days a year” to keep America safe.

- But just to throw terrorists off, she didn’t say which day of the year they weren’t working to keep America safe!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1882, Thomas Edison created the first string of Christmas lights. 

- Thus becoming the “Clark Griswald” of the 19th Century

- HISTORIC NOTE:  The string of lights is still up today after Edison told his wife, “If you think I’m taking that string down every year just to turn around and put it back up again next year, you’re crazy!”  

 

If you decide to make the strudel we hope you enjoy it!  (If you’ve already got your Christmas dinner planned… there’s always New Year’s Eve!) Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

4 Comments

It's December 21st - my wedding anniversary - the shortest day and the longest night of the year! (And believe me, it was!!!)

“Merry Christmas Darling! Uh, Darling?” 

According to a 25 year study by the journal Social Sciences & Medicine, Christmas is the deadliest day of the year. Sociologists studied all official death certificates in the U.S. between 1979 and 2004 and found a big spike in deaths during the two weeks after Santa’s arrival, especially on Christmas and New Years Day.  They say holiday stress could be a factor - but only a small one.  And if people are willing themselves to live until after the holidays so they can be with their families one more time, they’re should be a drop in deaths right before Christmas, but there’s not!  Deaths just stay level, then shoot up on the big day. 

- A secondary study revealed that 50% of those who died had been hit in the head with a fruitcake during an egg nog-fueled food fight. 

- Maybe people would rather die than wait in line to return the ugly “reindeer playing poker” sweater they got from their crazy aunt. 

- There are four words to describe the high rate of death among women:  “Visiting Mother-In-Law”.  

Taking “Timeout” From the Internet

Remember the good old days when your parents would punish you by taking away your TV privileges?  Well 57% of today’s parents are taking that a step further by limiting access to the Internet when their kids misbehave; double the number since 2000.  Parents say “social networking” is not only reducing the time kids spend with their families, it’s also reducing the time they spend with their actual friends, face-to face.

- What next?  Waterboarding?

- So now the kids are forced to lock themselves in their room and text on their cell phones while listening to their iPods.

Dash-er On Over To Dairy Queen!

Dairy Queen announced what could be the most hard-to-claim Christmas promotional deal in history.  Anyone who brings a real, live reindeer to a Dairy Queen on Christmas Eve between 1 and 3p.m. will get a free “Reindeer Bites Blizzard”.  But it’ll be tough; the Reindeer Owners and Breeders Association says there are no more than 3,000 reindeer in the continental U.S. and it’s not clear how you’d get one of them to a Dairy Queen. 

- You’d attach him to your sled and fly him there, that’s how! 

- Rumor has it that “Prancer” & “Blitzen” are partial to Ben & Jerry’s.  

- Why not just tie a pair of antlers to the family dog?  It worked for the Grinch. 

Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect!

In a poll, members of the Associated Press chose the Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien NBC late-night fiasco as the #1 entertainment story of the year.  And the “Entertainer of the Year” award went to 88-year-old Betty White, who had a hit Super Bowl commercial, hit movies, a hit TV show and a fan-sponsored Facebook campaign that landed her a top rated “SNL” hosting gig.  Betty said, “It’s ridiculous.  They haven’t caught-on to me and I hope they never do”. 

- Well if they’re gonna catch-on to her they’d better hurry… there’s not much time left! 

- So it turns out that Betty White actually is a “Golden Girl”!

- As for the Jay Leno - Conan O’Brien thing… they actually thought that was a bigger story than Big Al appearing for seven seconds on “Detroit 1-8-7”?  Whatever!

- Personally, I think the “Entertainer of the Year” Award should have been shared by Kate Gosselin on DWTS and Larry King.  Neither one of them seemed to have any idea what they were doing, but it sure was entertaining to watch! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts.  

- Luckily “Ye Olde Walmart” was open late so they still had time to finish up their Christmas shopping!

 

Have a great day… I’m off to celebrate with my child bride! See you back here tomorrow! 

- Dick 

 

4 Comments

3 Comments

"No Nudes is Good Nudes!" (See pictures below...)

Hope you had a great weekend!  I started mine early Friday by having the first annual post-retirement morning show luncheon.  As we did every year while I was on the air, we got as many of us together as we could. We ate and reminisced (Big Al mostly ate) and had a fabulous time at P.F. Changs at Sommerset. Below are a few pictures taken sometime between the Lettuce Wraps and the Moo Goo Gai Pan. We had a great time!  The only drawback was that when I told everyone, “No Gifts” they took me seriously!!  Oh well, there’s always next year! 

From Left:  Jim Ochs, Dave Zoran, Joe Noune, Ron T, Larry Lawson, Jackie, Moi, Rebekah, Big Al and Dave Jankowski.  

Jackie uses the plastic banana spring roll platter off the dessert display tray as a holiday broach. Lovely!

The core cast of characters:  Me, Rebekah, Jackie and Big Al.  Great to be back together!  

And now… on with the news!

So Now We Can Ask And We Can Tell! 

Saturday, the Senate voted to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy banning openly gay people from serving in the military.  And just minutes before the historic vote took place something rather bizarre happened:  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid tweeted Lady Gaga, who has fought to have the policy overturned, “DADT on it’s way to becoming history, “ and afterwards he tweeted her again, saying, “Ladygaga:  We did It! DADT is a thing of the past.”

- Lady Gaga tweeted the Senator back saying, “Don’t Call, Don’t Tweet”.

- Amazing!  I would have bet money Harry Reid hadn’t tweeted a woman in years! 

- He also tweeted the sailor in the Village People and Jim Nabors in the Marine Corps. 

- Years ago Harry Reid also sent a telegram to the Andrews Sisters informing them that World War II was over!

Somebody’s Gonna Be On Santa’s *$#@ List!

She might be happy about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” but the holidays seem to have put Lady Gaga in a Grinch-like mood.  At a concert in London Saturday, a fan tossed a stuffed Santa toy towards her onstage. The singer picked the toy up and tried to rip it’s head off with her teeth.  When that didn’t work, attacked it with the stiletto heel of her boot, yelling, “I hate the holidays! I’m alone and miserable!”

- … “Plus I just got a tweet from Senator Harry Reid!!!!!!”

- She’s now going by the name, “Lady Grinch-Grinch”

- Of course she’s alone… her costumes are so big no guy can get near her.

- She was just in a bad mood because concert goers mistook her for a really ugly Christmas tree. 

Are You Sure This Is Decaf?  

Police in Japan arrested three men on suspicion of providing coffee enemas without a proper medical license.  The procedure was offered as a beauty treatement at their now-defunt alternative medical clinics.  It’s a popular belief in Japan that coffee enemas are a secet weight-loss technique used by American celebrities.  A Tokyo company is even offereing a “do-it-yourself” kit consisting of an enema bag, and six cans of “Café Colon” coffee. 

- This proves one thing:  Kirstie Alley has never been to Japan.

- So guys, if you run into Angelina Jolie and she asks you over for coffee, as tempting as it may be,  say no! 

- HEALTH TIP:  You will actually gain weight if you do this procedure with a Starbucks Venti-Latte with half & half, whipped cream and a caramel drizzle.

- I don’t think this is what Maxwell House had in mind when they said, “Good to the Last Drop!”

 

Have a great day!  More shopping for me today… Wedding anniversary tomorrow - Christmas Saturday! See you in 24 hours!

- Dick

 

3 Comments

2 Comments

"All I Want For Christmas is for a Man to Compliment My Ears"

So here we are… the weekend before Christmas!  (Is it just me or did this sneak up faster that Kwame Kilpatrick at the all-you-can-eat Prison Pizza Buffet?)  I’ve checked my list, and I’ve checked it twice and I realize that I’ve still got some serious shopping left to do.  

While surfing the Internet for last-minute gift ideas, I wandered over to a news website and found a story that caught my eye.  It ties in with Christmas… Sort of.  Let me explain.  

While a lot of us are wondering what we’ll be getting from that “special someone” in our lives - there are a lot of people out there who are missing the critical “special someone”!  What to do?  What to do? How can you impresse that good looking woman at the company Christmas party? That’s where the story I read comes in.  

If you’re a single guy (or know one) listen up:  The dating website Dadoo.com surveyed single guys around the world to find out what compliments work best on a woman.  The results were pretty interesting!

- British women respond to compliments on their legs.

- German and Canadian ladies like comments about their skin. 

- Dutch and Portuguese women go for a guy who praises their ears. 

- For Spanish women… it’s all about complimenting their hair. 

- American, Australian and Brazilian women prize compliments on their clothes.  

But the number one best way to romance ANY WOMAN FROM ANY COUNTRY, dubbed “The Holy Grail of flirting” is to compliment… a woman’s lips!  

— So if you compliment a Spanish woman who has hair on her lip you’re in-like-Flynn!  

— German women are partial to their skin so remember to say “No!” if she asks, “Do these pants make my skin look big.”

— If you meet a Canadian woman, you’ll have to wait until July or August to compliment her skin since those are the only months she’s not covered in snow pants and a parka. 

According to the survey, American woman like to be complimented on their outfits.  Being a husband and father of six daughters, I decided to do my own little survey to see if they agreed.  For fear of not getting any Christmas presents, I won’t mention any names, but here’s a rundown of what the seven women in my life like to be complimented on most (in no particular order):

Smile, Butt, Eyes, Lips, Legs, Hair, Being slender or fit, and having a cute nose and nice cheekbones.  

(In my case I was lucky!  I’ve always felt my wife Gail had the whole package! So when I met her, I had a lot to choose from!)

BTW, the girls all agreed that the worst thing a guy can compliment a women on is how good looking her friend is! 

So there you have it… now you know what women want to hear under the mistletoe!  And if we missed one, let us know! 

 

Have a great weekend - the last weekend before Christmas! - and I’ll see you back here Monday.

- Dick 

2 Comments

Comment

"Father & Son... Destruction"

Yesterday, the Feds handed down an amazing array of indictments against Kwame Kilpatrick, his father Bernard and some of his closest friends. They are all accused of stealing millions through bribery and extortion from contractors – all for personal gain.  If convicted, that “comeback” promised could be postponed by several decades.  Experts say this could be the beginning of the end of the culture of corruption in Detroit city government.

- So hopefully we can return to the good old days when the mayor took all his bribes in Krugerrands!

- Kwame’s lawyer said the ex-mayor is “looking forward to fighting the charges”, as soon as he finishes his final performance in the Prison production of “The Nutcracker”. 

- NOTE:  Advance planning for Kwame’s “Early Release Get-Out-of-Jail Party” has been cancelled.  

- With the new charges, MSNBC has announced plans to begin shooting the first ever father-son episode of “Lock-Up”.  

The newest indictments reminded me of a song we wrote, recorded and used to play when Kwame’s biggest problem was failing to pay his restitution.  In honor of his most recent troubles, here’s a blast from the past…

“Kwame: The Restitution Song”

Face TIME

As we mentioned on our Facebook post Wednesday, Time Magazine has named Mark Zuckerberg, the co-creator of “Facebook” as their “Person of the Year for 2010”.  The title goes to the person who has had the most effect on people’s lives for better or worse.  Time’s editor said that social engineering is “changing the way we relate to each other and transforming the way we live our lives every day.” Zuckerberg beat out finalists including the Tea Party, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, and the Chilean miners.

- How ungrateful!  After all, the Chilean minors spent all their time trapped underground reading Time Magazine! (with their miners helmut lights) 

- The news came as no surprise to Julian Assange who had leaked the information to himself a week ago.

- Zuckerberg posted a message reading, “OMG TMPOTY 2010!”

“You Want A Lawsuit With That? 

After months of threats, the Center for Science in the Public Interest has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that putting toys in Happy Meals is deceptive advertising with the goal of over-riding parental control over kids’ diets.  McDonald’s called the group, “the food police” adding that they do offer healthy items like apple slices.  Calls from “McCustomers” are running 9 to 1 against nixing toys in the Happy Meals.

- Mayor McCheese vowed to veto any legislation aimed at getting rid of the toys.

- A red-headed McDonald’s executive identified only as “Ronald” said, “They think they’ve got us by the McNuggets but they’re wrong!”

Ironically, The Contest Still Lasted More Than Four Hours…

Baker Vince Bowen of Wigan, England, was delivering a load of pies to the World Pie Eating Championships when someone stole them from his van.  But these were no ordinary pies.  Bowen uses an unusual preservative to keep the pototos firm: small amounts of Viagra.  So whoever stole them got a whole bunch of the ED medication.

- Officials don’t believe the evidence will stand up in court.

- The baker calls them his “Little Blue-Pill-Berry Pies”.

- Police are scouring the country side for couples sitting outside in matching bathtubs.

- Have a slice with whipped cream and you’ve got yourself one kinky night ahead of you!

Bad Odds & Ends…

Tuesday, a daring armed robber in Las Vegas got away from the Bellagio Hotel and Casino with over $1.5 million in chips.  But there’s a catch!  Turns out the chips are worthless anywhere but the Bellagio and some have traceable security strips embedded in them so you have to show ID to cash them. 

- He should have stolen his grandmother’s Bingo Chips!  They’re untraceable and you’ve got much better odds of winning. 

- Is it just me… or do you think we just found out the plot for “Ocean’s Fifteen”?

- In high school this guy was voted “Most Likely To Succeed At Being An Idiot”.

- He’s mother said he’s just as dumb as his father saying, “He’s a chip off the old block”.  

As Every Waitperson Says, “Enjoy!”

For the second consecutive year, a Marist poll has named “whatever” as the most annoying word or phrase of year.

- Whatever!

- I think that at the end of the day, when we’re all on the same page, we can agree to disagree with their decision, like totally. 

- To me the most annoying phrase is, “Do you know how fast you were driving Mr. Purtan?”

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

All That Glitters Is Not The Golden Globes

Tuesday was a big day in Hollywood with the announcement of this year’s Golden Globe nominees.  “The King’s Speech” led with 7, followed by “The Social Network” with 6.  Critical favs like “127: and the upcoming “True Grit” were surprisingly snubbed, while nominations for “Best Comedy or Musical” went to the widely-panned bombs, “Burlesque” and “The Tourist”, which isn’t a comedy or a musical.  Insiders say it proves the Hollywood Foreign Press will nominate any movie if it gets big stars like Christina Aguilera, Cher, Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp to show up for the ceremony. 

- If they want big stars to show up, then how come I wasn’t nominated for my eleven second role in Beverly Hills Cop III?

- On the bright side, win or lose, we’ll all get a chance to see Angelina Jolie’s Golden Globes. 

- Cher will be there accepting the “Lifetime Plastic Surgery Achievement Award”. 

Peter Pan Made It Look So Easy!

Hugh Jackman really took it on the chin during a recent taping of “Oprah” in Australia.  Actually, he took it on his whole face. Jackman delighted audiences by sliding 100 yeards on a zipwire from the top of the Syndey Opera House to the stage below.  Unfortunately, he hit the brake too late.  He crashed into a lighting rig, cut his eye, flipped 90 degrees and hung over the stage for several seconds before landing.  Oprah stopped the show while paramedics applied ice to his face. Jackman said, “That was so much fun until the end.”

- Which is exactly what Nancy Pelosi said the day after the mid-term elections. 

- Oprah immediately surprised Jackman with lifetime health care coverage, one of her “favorite things”!

- Jackman is famous for playing “Wolverine”… with that kind of athletic ability, maybe we could get him to play for Michigan.  (The girls tell me he’s got quite the tight-end).

It’s Just Not “Norm!”-al

Kelsey Grammer’s estranged wife, former Playboy model Camille Dantaccis is reportedly threatening to release kinky sex tapes that the couple made if the “Frasier” star doesn’t cough up big alimony cash.  

- So Kelsey Grammer made a kinky sex tape?  Isn’t this the kind of thing Frasier Crane warned against on his radio call-in show?  

- Kelsey is said to be drowning his sorrows at an unnamed bar in Boston!  He said, “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name”. 

- Lillith was cold…but this is really cold! 

- Speaking of Frasier Crane, didn’t the real Dr. Laura have nude pictures taken of her and released by her boyfriend?  And these pseudo and real therapists make a living giving us advice?  

“To Bieber or Not To Bieber…” 

TMZ.com has confirmed that Canadian officals will not charge 16 year-old Justin Bieber with punching a 12-year-old boy at a laser tag center.  The victim allegedly used a homophobic slur on Bieber and attacked him first.

- Source say Bieber threw his hands up and yelled, “Don’t Lase Me Bro!”

- The most serious damage inflicted:  Bieber’s hair was temporarily knocked out of place.

- Didn’t the same thing happened recently to Susan Boyle at a Senior Center?   

Split-Ends Sexy?

Voted this year’s sexiest man and woman, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson announced that they are divorcing after just two years of marriage.  

- It’s said to be very amicable.  They’re splitting all the mirrors in the house 50-50.

- So if they’re looking to “trade up”, they better hope Brad and Angelina start having marital problems.   

Celebrity Shorts…

Alice Cooper and Neil Diamond will be inducted into the 2011 Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.  

- I can’t wait to hear Alice sing to Neil, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore”! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1791, the University of Pennsylvania established the first law school in the U.S.  

- The first two students admitted:   Isiah Feiger and Jedadiah Bernstein.

 

Have a great day, stay warm, and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

 

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Those Aren’t Christmas Lights, It’s Your Dad!

Ukraine has announced stat starting in 2011 they will open the sealed zone around the Chernobyl nuclear power plant to tourists.  The reactor exploded in 1986 and the evacuated area aound it is still considered dangerously radioactive.  But a Ukraine spokeswoman said that official travel routes are being developed that will be both informative and medically safe.

- She’s the same woman offering swimming lessons in the Gulf of Mexico. 

- I’d love to go… but I’m worried about all the radiation I’d get going through the airport body scanners!

“Waiter, There’s A Guy Next To My Soup”

Archeologists digging near the ancient Chinese capital of Xian have discovered what they believe to be a 2,400 year old pot of soup.  It’s some liquid and bones that were sealed in a small, bronze vessel insides a tomb.  They say it will help them undertand more about the eating habits of people from 475 to 220 B.C.

- 220 B.C. is of course when Campbells introduced their first canned soup… “Chicken With Femurs”.

- The label on the pot said “Chunky” – because of the bones. 

- So apparently eating soup wasn’t exactly a cure-all for the guy who was buried with it.

- Also found with the soup… a petrified egg roll and a fortune cookie with the message, “You have a long, healthy life ahead of you”.

Are You A Lonely South Korean?  There’s An App For That!

A South Korean developer has created the ultimate cell phone app for lonely iPhone users:  “Honey, It’s Me!”  Single guys who download it will start receiving messages from a fictional, virtual girlfriend named Mina. The phone allows her to make several calls a day to remind him to eat breakfast or say “Good night, sweet dreams”.  The app even plays the sound of a woman sleeping on the pillow next to you.  The app was briefly offered for free and 80,000 guys downloaded it in one day. 

- So Mina is dating 80,000 guys at once?  What a slut!

- Guys who download this app are now known as iLosers. 

- This is going over way better than the “Married Mina” app which calls your phone 30 times a day to yell at you for not taking out the garbage.

- If you really want to have a relationship with this fake girl, don’t download it to your iPhone.  Put it on your iTouch.

Alex Trebek goes PC… Literally!

In February, the game show “Jeopardy” will host a “man vs. machine” series.  Two of the show’s past champions, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter will play against “Watson”, a computer program developed by IBM.  The winner gets a cool one mil. 

- If one of the humans wins, he’ll use part of the cash to buy and download “Honey, It’s Me!”

- This isn’t the first time a game show has gone techno.  Everyone knows Vanna White was replaced by a robot years ago.

- During a dry run of the game, the computer got really nervous and just froze up. 

If He Taught Reading… It Would Be Braille!

58 year old Barry Morgan has been a driving instructor of 17 years, but his “unusual methods” have landed him in court.  A 17 year old student told police that Morgan would turn up the heat in the car to try to get female students to take off their tops, and insisted on sqeezing “their wobbly bits” as punishment for driving errors.  Other woman have confirmed the story and Morgan has been fired. 

- If he ends up in jail, he’d better keep a close eye on his own “wobbly bits”.

- So this is why people in Britain drive on the other side of the road!  They swerved over when trying to get away from Barry Morgan!

- His lawyer claims he was just “checking under the hood” for safety.

- What a dip stick!

Just Sitting Around, Twittering My Thumbs

Google’s has released it’s annual list of the top Internet searches of the year.  So who and what was “Googled” the most?  Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, iPad, and Twitter. The fastest-rising search of the year was “ChatRoulette”, a webcam site where people expose their private parts. 

-  Is it just me or do “Twitter & Google” sound like a new shock radio morning team?  

- I can’t believe “Hiter’s Bunker” didn’t make the list.  I googled it about a thousand times! 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1911, Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating Robert F. Scott’s expedition. 

- Just moments later, Amundsen’s wife, who had come along on the journey, became the first “South Pole Dancer”. 

 

Have a great day, watch for the ice on the roads and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

 

Comment

3 Comments

"Snow Daze"

“Dear Lord, Let it Snow! Let it Snow! PLEASE Let it Snow!”

The prayers of tens of thousands of students were answered last night when the big storm caused nearly every school in the metro area to close down today.  Yes… it’s the first big “Snow Day” of the winter. 

- It’ll be just like when we were kids and spent the day outside making snow angels and sledding… except today the kids will stay inside all day doing the same things on their Wii. 

Obama Ducks Out, Leaves Bill 

Friday, President Obama stunned reporters by entering the White House Briefing room with a special guest: Bill Clinton.  Tired of the grief he’s getting from Democrats over his deal with Republicans to extend tax cuts, he handed over the podium to the former president to sell the deal.  After a while, Obama said he was late for a Christmas party, had kept Michelle waiting half an hour and left – leaving Clinton to finish the press conference.  Bill talked for another half-hour…  

- About why Hillary should be elected President in 2012.

- Just for old times sake, he pointed his finger at Helen Thomas’s and said, “I did not have sex with that woman!!!.” 

- Clinton even took questions from the audience saying, “Yes, you m’am in the blue dress.”

- So Obama left a press conference on a major national issue because he’d kept Michelle waiting for half-an-hour?  Sounds like Hillary isn’t the only Democrat wife who wears the pants in the family.

- Obama would have had Joe Biden take over, but the VP was busy Xeroxing his butt at the Christmas party. 

“How’s My Driving?  Call 1-800-Ask-The-Opposite-Sex!”

A new study of 2000 drivers show that the old stereotypes about men and women behind the wheel are still alive and kicking.  Women drivers admitted that male drivers are better at knowing how to change a flat and are able to park in small spaces.  But there were complaints:  Women hate it when men tailgate, speed, use their cell phones, show road rage, refuse to ask for directions and constantly change the radio station.

- Hey at least men don’t do all that while putting on mascara!

- Don’t women know that the biggest cause of road rage is when they ask their man to slow down and stop tailgaiting? 

- Women should realize that while they occasionally get PMS… men always have GPS!

The mention of men and directions reminded me of a classic scene from one of my favorite holiday movies, Planes, Trains & Automobiles”.  Watch as John Candy and Steve Martin find out they’re, “Going the wrong way!”

 

On The Flip Side…

The top ten things men like about women drivers :  They always pack food and drinks for long trips, are courteous to others, don’t lose their tempers, keep talking to the man to keep him awake, and will ask for directions when lost.  What men hate most about women behind the wheel?  How long it takes them to get in and out of parking spaces, taking too long to go forward at intersections, and the way they turn away and talk to other passengers. 

- Especially if the woman happens to be driving the bus he’s riding at the time. 

- And they’re not comfortable with any woman named “Thelma” or “Louise” behind the wheel.  

Let’s Hope Brett Favre Doesn’t Post His Personal Pix On The Jumbotron At Ford Field Tonight! 

As you probably know, the Minnesota Vikings will play the NY Giants at Ford Field tonight due to the collapse of the Metrodome roof under heavy snow in Minneapolis. The game is sold-out (they gave away all the tickets for free!) but will not be seen locally since the NFL wants us to watch the scheduled Monday night game, Baltimore vs. Houston. 

As for me, in honor of the Lion’s victory yesterday over Green Bay, 7 to 3, I’ll be tied up all day building a Detroit Lion snowman in my front yard. Fortunately it’s good packing snow… that’ll make it so much easier to make the tight-end!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick  

3 Comments

Comment

"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas... Shopping!"

Here we are - just two weekends ‘til Christmas and I am way behind.  Let me explain. First of all, December is a very busy month for me.  My wife Gail’s birthday is on the 3rd, our wedding anniversary is the 21st (the longest night of the year I might point out… and believe me it was!) and of course the big day which happens to fall on the 25th this year!!!  

I haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet.  It’s not that I don’t want to, but it’s a time issue.  

Somewhere in my head I guess I thought that “retirement” meant things would slow down.  NOT!  It seems I’ve never been busier in my life!  Sure, I don’t have to get up at the crack-of-the-middle-of-the-night anymore to do my radio show but my days and nights are filled.  I really don’t where the time goes.   

Which brings me back to the holdiays,  where you have to factor in all the extra stuff:  For one, decorating the house.  We’ve always decorated in a big way - not in a Clark Griswald - “Christmas Vacation”- kind of way, but we get pretty into it.  We have two trees and every year we have them up and decorated by Thanksgiving. Now, with just two weeks to go - one is ready and the other is “partially dressed” if you will; sorely lacking ornaments and tinsel. We’ll finish it this weekend. (Of course we said the same thing last weekend).  

Then there’s the whole Christmas Card issue.  If you haven’t gotten one from us yet, don’t feel bad. We haven’t sent any out.  Why?  We’re just having trouble finding the time.  And to be honest, the pressure is building! Everyday, our mailbox is jammed with cards from friends, old and new, and some from people who, to be honest, I couldn’t pick out in a police line-up.  

Yesterday alone, I opened two expensive looking cards signed by people who’s names I didn’t recognize.  I’m thrilled that they’re wishing us a “Wonderful Holdiay Season” - I just wish I knew who they were.  The toughest are the ones that have a picture of the kids but not the mom and dad.  I’ll admit “Amber & Jacob” look cute smiling brightly in matching candy cane pajamas, I just wish I knew who their parents were! Last year, I got one of those delightful “Year in Review” family news letters - you know the ones:  they document every loose tooth, just-missed basketball trophy, and prostate exam experienced by the family members over the year. The only problem?  Even after reading an extensive description of how Amanda was dealing with her new orthodontic mouthpiece, I still had no idea who sent me the letter.  

And, of course, there’s still the whole shopping dilemma.  I’m not a big mall guy (I’m usually one of the guys sitting in the leather chair trying to stay awake) so I’m trying to convince Gail to have us do all of our shopping over the Internet this year.  God knows I get enough e-mails offering “unbeatable deals” from retailers.  I’ve gotten so many e-mails from “Toys R Us” I feel like I know Geoffrey the Giraffe personally.  

No matter how I end up getting the gifts, I’m faced with the biggest challenge of all:  Wrapping!  I don’t know if it’s genetic or what, but after talking to a lot of my guy friends I’ve decided it’s true.  Men are lousy wrappers! And believe me I’ve tried.  Hand me a roll of wrapping paper, scissors, tape and a gift box and I’ll hand you back something that looks like the paper mache likeness of Abraham Lincoln I made in second grade.  

So that’s where I stand… behind in just about everything.  But I’m not worried.  It will all get done.  It has too! Because afterall, “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year”!!!

 

Have a great a weekend… I hope you come close to getting everything done on your list and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick 

 

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

There’s No Gay in Gayle… 

While taping an interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denied rumors that she’s a lesbian, and said that Gayle King is just her girlfriend.  Oprah said if she were a lesbian she wouldn’t deny it, but added, “I’m not even kinda a lesbian”.  But she did get choked up as she described her Gayle-Pal as “the mother I never had, the sister everbody would want.  She is the friend that everybody deserves”. 

- Sounds to me like Gayle is Oprah’s “Most Favorite Thing”.

- She likes her so much she’s going to have her cloned and give one to everybody in her studio audience!

- Oprah also described her longtime boyfriend Steadman as “Her BFF without benefits”.  

A New Spin On Twins!

Big News out of MSU… Researchers there proved that marriage settles men down and makes them less likely to get involved in aggressive or antisocial behavior.  The 10 year study was conducted on 289 sets of male twins to rule out the theory that only more mellow guys say “I Do” in the first place.  The results showed that when one twin got married, he calmed down while the bachelor twin tended to stick to his antisocial behavior. 

- So all those “Evil Twin” plots on the Soap Operas are true! 

- Getting married settles a guy down?  Looks like somebody forget to tell Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods. 

- If marriage really settles a guy down, Larry King should be in a coma by now. 

Hurry!  Sale Ends, well, uh…

Larry Falter, the owner of LTD Jewelers in Superior, Wisconsin believes that Jesus is returning… soon.  He’s putting his money where his faith is by holding a “Second Coming Sale”.  He’s offering 50% off all the jewelry in his store from now until Jesus returns.  

- When his wife found out their income would be cut in half, she served him two things: Divorce Papers and his “Last Supper”. 

- I feel bad for Jesus… he’s gonna miss the sale!

- A Jewish competitor across the street has announced a “First Coming Sale”. 

“I Swear This Dude In A Big Red Suit Came Down My Chimney, Man!”

Police in Berlin, Germany busted an “old hippie” who was using a six-foot tall marijuana plant as a Christmas tree. It was in a Christmas tree stand and decorated with a string of lights.  He told them he was planning to add more decorations and put presents underneath it, “according to tradition.”  He was charged with drug possession and his “tree” was confiscated. 

- His favorite holiday carol?  “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cannibis!”

- This guy is definitely not a “wise man”.

- His neighbors said he’s very good at crafts and rolls his own ornaments every year!

- Instead of cookies and milk, he leaves Santa a plate of Doritos and a bottle of Mountain Dew.  

On A Serious Note…

Aretha Franklin has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, one of the toughest.  My - and all Purtan’s Peoples’ thoughts and prayers go out to her and her family.  In my opinion, Aretha is the greatest singer to ever come out of Detroit.  My personal favorite is her rendition of “I Say A Little Prayer”. Just click below to hear her amazing performance!

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

You Want A Spanking?  

Democrats are furious with President Obama for caving in to Republicans and agreeing to extend the Bush tax cuts for higher income groups.  Some are even threatening to block the deal in Congress. 

- President Obama doesn’t think they can do it, but the Democrats said, “Yes We Can!”

- Obama’s new slogan is “Not Making Changes You Can Believe In!”

Tuesday, the Prez gave a rather testy press conference where he knocked the Dems for not realizing that they can’t always get everything they want.  He also blasted the Republicans he’d just cut a deal with calling them bomb-throwers and saying he had to go along with them because they were holding the middle-class hostage. 

- He also put both sides of Congress in a “time out” and took away their video game privileges for a week! 

- They should just settle the whole thing by holding a boxing match between the President and new leader of the house, John Boehner… with Nancy Pelosi as the ring girl.  

It All Seemed To Be Happening In Slow Motion… 

Former “Baywatch” babe and Playboy model Donna D’Errico claims that she was pulled out of line at the airport in L.A. by a smirking TSA guard who ordered her to go into the body scanner so he could look at her naked.  She called it a misuse of power, and sarcastically said she must have overlooked the clause in her Playboy and “Baywatch” contracts that said she would forever be subject to being seen naked in person, in public, at any time, for anyone, for free whether she agrees to it or not. 

- She then added that she likes puffy clouds, walks on the beach and playing Frisbee with her dog, “Cupcake”.

- Finally!  A girl who will pose naked for millions of men who still has morals!

- On the other hand, former “Baywatch” babe Pam Anderson INSISTS on the naked scan and the extreme pat down.

- Kim Kardashian never has this problem because her butt won’t fit in the scanner!

OMG! DWTS PRO GOP? 

Sarah Palin’s popularity is really getting to some people.  The FCC released letters they received from around the U.S., demanding a government investigation into Bristol Palin not being voted off “Dancing with the Stars”.  Complaints included claims that the show was part of a radical rightwing conspiracy, that Bristol wasn’t really a “star”, and that allowing her on the show was “encouraging and promoting teen pregnancy”. 

- The letter accusing the show of being part of a radical rightwing conspiracy was signed by one “K. Olbermann”.

- If you have to be a “star” to be on “DWTS” we would never have gotten to see Jerry Springer do the Rumba! (He certainly had enough “Rumbas” on his show!)

- I don’t thing Bristol’s appearance encouraged teen pregnancy.  But it did start a shocking new trend:  Teen Waltzing. 

From the “No #@*$ Sherlock File” 

The University of Western Australia surveyed over 2700 men aged 75 to 95 to find out when men lose interest in sex.  The answer:  NEVER!  One-fifth of 95 year olds said that sex was still at least somewhat important to them, even though illness and lack of a partner held them back.  And of those who were still sexually active, more than 40% said they weren’t getting enough…

- … Fiber. 

- So when it comes to sex… 75 is the new 18!

- Now I know why older men are always yelling, “Hey kid… get off of my lawn!”  They don’t want the kids peeking in the window.

- As George Burns said many times, “Sure I’d like to have more sex… but at my age it’s like shooting pool with a rope!”

The Day The Music Died…Again.

Believe it or not, it was 30 years ago today that John Lennon was gunned down outside his apartment building in NYC. 

- Why couldn’t Mark David Chapman have been a “Milli Vannilli” fan instead?!

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Read His Lips…

After holding out until the very last minute, President Obama caved to Senate Republicans Monday, agreeing to extend all the Bush tax cuts – even for high earners – for two more years.  He also agreed to raise the exemption on estate taxes from $1 million to $5 million estates and to cut Social Security taxes by 2% to put more cash in workers paychecks.

- Of course first the feds will have to find the people who are actually bringing in a paycheck…

“Terrorist in Aisle Seven”

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has stuck a deal with WalMart to show video announcements on the TV monitors in their checkout lanes urging Americans to rat out potential terrorists.  The campaign has been dubbed, “If You See Something, Say Something” and will urge WalMart shoppers to keep their eyes peeled for any suspicious behavior and report it to the proper authorities. 

- “If You See Something, Say Something”… wait a minute, I’m confused.  I thought we were supposed to “not ask and not tell”!

- So if you see anybody in the WalMart Gun department buying a gun… call the cops!

- So now you can save money on Cheetos, Stretch Pants, and Toilet Paper and save the world at the same time!

- If you hear “Price check on Dynamite” over the loudspeaker, just run for your life! 

Paying (for) the Bills

The Government decided to change the $100 bill to make it impossible for counterfeiters to print them.  The problem is, the new design is so intricate, the government can’t print them either.  The new multi-colored ink and an embedded 3D security ribbon caused 30% of the ONE BILLION bills printed to have flaws.  It will take a year to fix the problem.  BTW… the cost to taxpayers for the error?  $120 million!!

- This is exactly why I always have my money printed at Kinkos!

- The last time we had a money printing crisis was when the Feds accidentally released millions of one dollar bills featuring Barbara Bush instead of George Washington.

Oprah Scares The Dickens Out Of Fans! 

With Oprah winding down her final year in syndication, she’s pulling out all the stops.  Yesterday, she revealed her final two picks for “Oprah’s Book Club” and surprised fans by picking two Charles Dickens classics straight off the high school required reading list.  Oprah expects her fans to make it through “A Tale of Two Cities” and “Great Expectations” over Christmas and be ready to discuss them by January. 

- And at 799 pages, I have “Great Expectations” that that’s not gonna happen.

- In Disc Jockey school we had to read “A Tale of Two Hit-ties”…

- Bill Clinton suggested “The Scarlett Letter” and “The Kama Sutra”.

- Lucky for me, I just finished Carrot Top’s autobiography, so I’m good to go!

Today’s Almanac

This is, of course Pearl Harbor Day.  69 years ago the Japanese nearly decimated the U.S. Naval fleet stationed at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii signaling the United States entry into WWII.  

- On a happier note, seven years ago today, Rebekah Rhodes married her husband Wayne.  Ironically, her wedding night involved a few sneak attacks as well. 

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

 

Comment

Comment

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Will He Leak?

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be hiding near London, where authorities plan to arrest him soon on rape charges from Sweden.  But he is threatening to blackmail the entire world if any moves are made against him and his website.  He claims to have let thousands of people worldwide download an encrypted “poison pill” file that can only be opened with a password he will release if arrested.  The file reportedly contains all sorts of damaging secret info… including private corporate files of companies such as BP and Bank of America.

- Assange also claims to have X-Ray vision and can use his Super-Secret Decoder ring while changing clothes in a phone booth.

- This guy is also threatening to release the most dangerous secret of all: the recipe for his mom’s fruitcake.    

- Obviously, he’s been watching too many “Spy-Fi” movies. 

- He’s just like James Bond… except he’s “shaken… and disturbed”.

Congress Puts Their Hand In The Cookie Jar… Again

President Obama is set to sign a new childhood nutrition bill promoted by his wife Michelle and passed by Congress, but it’s turned controversial.  It’s written so broadly, critics say it could give the feds the power to ban school bake sales.  The reason?  Kids who grow up obese can’t join the military, so the government should have the power to regulate cupcakes as a national security issue. 

- Why don’t they just go with a “Don’t Bake, Don’t Tell” policy?

- This isn’t the first time in history this has happened.  Don’t forget, “Custer’s Last Lemonade Stand”!

Con-Gay Twitty? 

Police in Florida report that two “good old boys” hangin out in one of the guys’ trailers began arguing over whether the late country superstar Conway Twitty, was gay.  What started as pushing and shoving turned into a full blown fist fight with one of the guys ending up in the slammer.  For the record, Twitty was married three times, and all of his partners were women.

- These guys should have been playing, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. 

- What they really should have been arguing about was why the singer changed his name to “Conway Twitty” from his real name, “Harold Jenkins”.

“Me And Julio (and a Health Van) Down By The Schoolyard”

Singer Paul Simon will join Michigan’s Sen. Debbie Stabenow for the launch of the Children’s Health Project of Detroit.  The effort includes a mobile medical clinic to provide health services to children at schools and other locations.  Services will include primary care, physicals, immunizations, vision and dental checks.  Simon has long been involved in helping provide health services to kids in need. 

- When they first met, Simon reportedly said, “I can call you Debbie… and Debbie you can call… me… Al!”

He Looks Good Enough To Eat! 

Saturday was National Cookie Day, and in honor of that, Dunkin Donuts surveyed customers and discovered that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality by the way they eat gingerbread men.  Nearly two-thirds eat the head first, which the director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago says indicates that they are achievement-oriented and won’t take no for an answer.  He said skeptics usually eat the right hand first, creative people eat the left arm, and sensitive people eat the legs.

- Big Al eats the whole thing in one bite and washes it down with a diet coke!

- IN A RELATED STORY… The Gingerbread man lost his Gingerbread house in the sub-prime mortgage crisis and was forced to move in with his girlfriend, Lorna Doone. 

- Critics blasted all people who “dunk” him in a glass of milk…  accusing them of waterboarding the Gingerbread man. 

- I have no opinion on the issue as I’m a Snickerdoodle man myself.  

Woman Gets Frosty Reception From Police 

Police in Cheatham, England got an emergency call from a woman reporting a theft.  She said she hadn’t been out to check on him for five hours, but when she did, he was gone.  When cops asked who “he” was, she replied, “my snowman”. 

- The same thing happens to me with my front yard snowman every spring.

- Police described the woman as hysterical, saying she had, “a complete meltdown”.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1923, Calvin Coolidge gave the first presidential address broadcast on radio.

- After his speech, he announced that the tenth caller would win a pair of tickets to the “Al Jolson Christmas Spectacular”.

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

 

Comment