Hey BFF (Best Ferginator Forever)… need your opinion. Found a great dating website for inmates - e-Incarcerated.com - and wrote up a little profile for myself on some toilet paper. Would love your input, Bro. I’d ask my cell mate, but he’d only get jealous. He says he’s looking for a “commited relationship”, winks at me,  and keeps asking me if his orange jumpsuit makes his butt look big. (It does btw).

Here my Profile: 

What’s up yo? Are you a hot lonely chick who has a thing for wrongly concicted Felonious Fellas? Has a conjugal visit always been your idea of the perfect “Date Night”? Are you looking for a guy who will spend big bucks buying you the things you deserve… from the prison commissary? Then look no further!

I am a slim and trim man - handsome as hell - (think Denzel Washington) in incredible shape. I am very well off financially. (In an effort to be honest - which I ALWAYS AM… I do owe a little bit of money to a city in the Midwest but it’s not much…think parking ticket).  

I am not married (as far as you know) but would be willing to settle down with the right girl. 

Are you that girl? I hope so… Do you enjoy getting together two Sundays a month between 1pm and 2pm, holding hands in a room full of convicts and armed guards? Do you enjoy funny stories about guys getting shived in the shower? Do you like watching puffy clouds through windows with bars on them? Would you be willing to relocate to an as yet unnamed city with a Federal Prison in the area? If so, you could be “The One”!

Looks are not important to me…Your HEART is what matters! (Although willingness to slip me a few bucks now and then would be a plus.) 

If you’re interested in a long-term (say, 20+ year) relationship and have ever worked as a pole-dancer,  e-mail me your bio and pic (clothes optional) ASAP. 

I am waiting for you, oh woman of my dreams. 

Looking forward to your prompt response so we can begin our future together and start gettin’ it on.