This morning, on day two of the Papal Conclave, the Cardinals sent a message that they had not come to a decision by sending up a puff of black smoke from the Sistine Chapel. 

- In related news, a puff of white smoke was seen coming out of Willie Nelson’s tour bus signaling a new member will be inducted into the Grand Ole Opry’s Hall of Fame. 


Nostradamus predicted that this will be the last Pope. 

- He also predicted that Jimmy Fallon will soon replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show. 


Dennis Rodman announced that he’ll be heading back to North Korea this summer to vacation with his BFF Kim Jong Un. 

- They’ll do the usual stuff… swim, camp out, and aim nuclear missiles at the U.S. 


Saudi Arabia may stop beheadings because there is a shortage of swordsmen. 

- Heads are gonna roll over this decision.

- Apparently nobody wants the job because all you get is severance pay. 


Ken - of Ken and Barbie - celebrates his 52nd Birthday today.   

- As a birthday gift to himself, Ken is having one of those walk-in bathtubs installed in the Malibu Dream House. 


According to a new study, sperm is healthiest in late winter and early spring.

- Apparently that’s when most of them sign up for swimming lessons at the Y. Or is it the X? 

- It was also announced that most of the sperm exercise, while listening to Paul Simons, “Mama Don’t Take My Chromosomes Away!”  


A recent study found that half of Americans are NOT saving for retirement. 

- Of course, saving for retirement is easier if you actually have a job. 


Have a great day and I’ll be back here tomorrow with another Prison Letter from my favorite convicted fellon, K. Kilpatrick!