Tossed and turned all last night wondering if I should write to you. (Or it could have been my cell mate Bubba’s snorin’ that kept me up…I’m not sure.)
First a fashion question…Is orange a hot color this season? And if so, do I look good in it?
Now, let me back up a bit… (not something I recommend if you’re ever in the hooscow). Yesterday, in a total miscarriage of justice, I was convicted of a couple, uh, a few, well…24 federal charges that I swear on my father’s grave I’m not guilty of.
Okay…my father is technically alive, but I could have killed him yesterday when he skated off with only ONE Guilty verdict. Let me tell you, he did a whole lot more than file a false tax return… but I’ll save that for another letter.
Here’s what happened: The Evil Feds coerced the stupid jury into believing that I did a lot of criminal stuff for “my personal gain”. And then to make matters even more unjust, the chick Judge opened a can of whoop ass on me, and ordered that I go to jail until I’m sentenced.
Apparently she thinks I’m a flight risk. C’mon! Just cuz I happen to have some “associates” with private planes and untold millions hidden in off-shore accounts… She done treated me like a common criminal. I don’t mean to Brag, but I am no “Common Criminal”. I was the MAYOR OF THE CITY OF DETROIT!!!!!
The bottom line is (another term I’ve learned you don’t throw around in the slammer) I was hopin’ that you, my Dear, Dear Abby - and your readers - can see from this letter that I am a good, honest former Mayor. And I’d like to ask you a teensy weensy favor…
Is there anyway you could shoot off a text to the Judge and try to get this mistake cleared up? (Or at the very least, arrange for some conjugal visits? There’s this one girl named Christine that I know would be more than willing to bump uglies with me…)
Well, I gotta go… Time for a strip seach and then off to the prison tattoo artist for an estimate!
Please respond A.S.A.P.! BTW… if YOU need money, I’ll get you hooked up…
Wrongly Convicted in Detroit
Have a great day and we’ll have another Prison letter from “The Kwaminator” tomorrow… (One of my ex-sons-in-law works in the Prison Mail Room.)