The Vatican has announced that following his retirement on Thursday, the Pope will be known as “Emeritus Pope” and will continue to wear his white cossack. 

- Apparently that whole “no white until after Memorial Day” doesn’t apply to the Pontiff. 

- “Emeritus Pope” sounds like a character in one of those British Films that critics love and I don’t understand. 


Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, the man who issued stern warnings to Americans agains drugs, cigarettes, fatty foods and unprotected sex has died at 96. 

- If only he’d followed his own advice he could have made it to 100.  

- His family wanted him creamated, but he said the smoke would be bad for them. 


Thefts of toilet paper have forced a library in Trenton, New Jersey to ration it by having the staff hand it out to library visitors who need to use the facilities. 

- Thus marking the first time in history people don’t have to be told to whisper when asking the librarian a question. 

- They got the idea from a library in England that uses the “Huey, Dewey & I Have To Go To The Loo-ie” decimal system. 

- The toilet paper is the only thing in the library that they don’t ask you to return. 


Kim Kardashian recently announced on her reality show that if she were a man, she like to have sex with…wait for it…HERSELF. 

- She also added that if the sex led to marriage, she would like totally make herself sign a pre-nup. 

Speaking of Kim and sex…the “Master Unedited Sex Tape” of her, kept locked in a Hollywood producer’s vault, almost when up in smoke when his office caught on fire over the weekend. 

- The producer managed to save Kim’s tape, but threw the Master copies of all of Eddie Murphy’s movies into the flames before firefighters arrived. (Except for “Beverly Hills Cop III”!)


Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler told an Australian TV program that his cocaine addiction used to be so strong that he snorted half of Peru. 

- In an random act of kindness, he left the other half of Peru for Lindsay Lohan. 


Danica Patrick made history Sunday when she became the first woman driver to start the pole at a Sprint Cup Race. She had a shot at winning, but ended up coming in 8th. 

- If only she hadn’t stopped for directions! 


On this day in 1870, New York City’s first pneumatic-powered subway line was opened to the public. 

- And was shorted-out that afternoon when a guy peed on the tracks. 


Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!