President Obama said that if he had a son he probably wouldn’t let him play football because it’s too violent. 

- Besides, if his son went to Notre Dame, he wouldn’t want him bringing an imaginary girlfriend to dinner at the White House. 

- Obama should know…he’s the one who walks around carrying a “nuclear football”. 

- The real violence will kick in when Michelle sees the fat-laden 27-layer dip Joe Biden’s bringing to the White House Superbowl Party.  


Hillary Clinton is wearing special glasses to prevent double vision after the fall that left her with a concussion. 

- Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is wearing special glasses that allow him to see through women’s clothing. 


The Boy Scouts of America is considering lifting the longtime ban on gay members and Scoutmasters. 

- So instead of S’mores…Boyscouts will now sit around the campfire making Baked Brie on a stick. 


Lance Armstrong turned down a slot on “Dancing With The Stars”. 

- That’s what he says, but frankly I’m not sure I believe him. 

- Instead, he’ll star on a new reality show: “The Biggest Liar”. 


Hugh Hefner’s secretary of 40 years died on Sunday. The cause of death is not known. 

- But a Playboy Mansion insider said she was crushed to death when Hef’s Little Black Book accidentally fell on her. 

- She not only managed Hef’s schedule…she babysat all of his girlfriends…and wives.  


The National Institutes of health reported that most of their research chimpanzees will be retired. 

- Most will move to a condo complex in Florida, but four of them are going to launch a “Monkee’s Tribute Band”. 


A new UC-Berkley study has linked age-related memory loss to sleep deprivation. 

- I’m not sure…but I have a vague recollection of being up all last night worrying about it. 


On this day in 1933 German President von Hindenburg appointed Adolph Hitler Chancellor. 

- If only he’d celebrated by giving Hitler a free ride on his blimp, he could have saved the world a lot of trouble. 


Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!