She’s Waitin’ for You Outback!

Oprah Winfrey is taking her talk show out with a bang.  For the first show of her farewell season, she told the entire audience of 300, “We’re…going…to…Australia!!”  Confetti fell and the studio transformed into a mini-airport.  When John Travolta emerged, Oprah told them he would be their celebrity pilot on the eight-day vacation and that they were all getting a free Smartphone for the trip! 

One audience member broke down in tears.  Not because she was excited but she was so mad that she didn’t get a new car.

Meanwhile, Oprah’s protégé Dr. Oz gave everyone in his audience a free colonoscopy! 

On her very last show, Oprah is going to have Kirstie Alley come on the set, jump up and down on her couch, then put the pieces up on E-Bay.  

ON A RELATED NOTE:  When Larry King retires this fall, he has announced that he will give everyone in his live studio audience a free breast exam… A grateful nation sighed when they remembered Larry doesn’t have a live studio audience!

Into the Mouths of Babes… 

Monday, Michelle Obama addressed the National Restaurant Association to ask them to add more healthy options to their menus to help fight childhood obesity.  She urged them to use creativity to entice kids to eat healthier foods.  IHOP is already making changes by planning a children’s menu in which all items are less than 600 calories and come with fruit as the default side dish.

The kids are calling it the “Rooty Tootsie Fresh and Lousy” pancake breakfast.

McDonalds will now be offering Chicken strips dyed green and shaped like Broccoli Spears.

I’m not holding out much hope for the success of the “Salmon Finger Happy Meal”… 

“We’re Just Not Into You”

A new Gallup poll offers up bad news for both Republican and Democrat incumbents in Congress.   It sees a majority of voters hate virtually everything the current Congress has done, including the bank and auto bailouts, the Obamacare bill and the stimulus bill.  The only thing that has a majority of public support is the financial reform bill.

Of course most people think the “financial reform bill” allows the government to keep printing an unlimited supply of money!

It Seems Everybody’s Downsizing…

Sheyla Hershey, the Houston woman who became famous for having the world’s largest breasts has had her M-cup implants removed.  Turns out the more than 30 surgeries it took to get that big landed her with an infection that caused her to lug around a giant vacuum-like device to suck out the infection.  She says she loved the big boobs but now will try to enjoy life “running around with my kids.    

At least now she can run around with her kids without giving any of them a pair of black eyes. 

While she’s running around with her kids, he husband will be running around with some other woman who still has her implants.

On the bright side, now she can drive without accidentally beeping the horn all the time!

She’s going to donate all of her old bras to a local park to use as tree swings. 

He Always Wanted a Big Family… 

A man was arrested in Paris for a scam that reportedly cost the government $1.27 million dollars a year.  He claimed to have fathered 55 children by 55 different women.  Police believe he would find women visiting Paris and strike deals with them to claim he fathered their kids so they could apply for French residency and benefits.  Cops finally raided his two-room apartment, which was registered as the address of more than 50 people. 

50 people sharing one bathroom?   Imagine how long you’d have to wait in line to go “Oui Oui”!!!

Fathering 55 kids with 55 different women?  This guy should be drafted into the NBA!

And Finally…

Sunday was National Chlamydia Day in Sweden. 

There was a huge parade and the excitement was contagious!


Have a great day!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 






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