Follow the Bouncing Check!

Our own Congressman John Conyers had his drivers license suspended for almost a month this summer after a $139 check he used to to renew his license plates bounced.

Bail money for the Missus???

It’s not his fault really, he didn’t know that Monica had cleaned out his checking account to buy cigarettes and Ho-Ho’s from the prison commissary. 

I Don’t Want To See THAT on Mt. Rushmore…

The Naked Cowboy, the NY Times Square street performer who plays guitar and sings wearing only a cowboy hat, boots, and briefs, is running for President.  He says, “America needs a President who believes in America and will stand up for America and protect its language, its borders and most importantly, its culture”.

And when he promises “transparency” in his administration, you can believe it! 

If a certain Senator named Barbara from California runs for President we’ll have “Boxer vs. Briefs”.

This isn’t the first time we could end up with a President running around the oval office in his underwear.  Does the name Bill Clinton ring a bell? 


Grumpy the Clown, the allegedly illiterate circus clown who was running for Brazil’s Parliament on the slogan “It can’t get any worse,” was not only elected, he got more votes than any other candidate in the nation. 

I can’t wait to see the secret service walking along side his tiny bulletproof limousine. 

After hearing this story our Bozo the Clown announced that he’s a write-in candidate for Michigan governor.  He believes that, “it can’t get any worse” and B-O-Z-O is easy to spell.

Girls Rule! 

Monday, the Supreme Court reconvened with three women on the bench for the first time in history.  But because new Justice Elena Kagan argued for the government on so many cases as Solicitor General, she immediately recused herself from 25 of the 51 cases and will hardly be coming in to work at all this week.

Which will give the other two women plenty of time to gossip about her hairstyle and choice of shoes. 

It’s a good thing all three of the female justices have gone through menopause or there would be one week a month where they’d automatically sync up their opinions.

Clarence Thomas was so excited to have another woman on the court, he couldn’t stop banging his gavel.

Sex & The Country 

The Journal of Sexual Medicine released a huge study of the sex habits of Americans age 14 to 94, and they’re less prudish than expected.  Among the more interesting findings:  15% of men aged 50 to 59 said they had had a sexual encounter with a man, but only 8 percent of men identify themselves as gay. 

— So basically Richard Simmons is honest, and Senator Larry Craig is lying through his teeth.

As for the “Big O”, 85% of men said their wife or girlfriend had had one, only 64% of women agreed.     

— So why are they’re so few good roles for women in Hollywood?  They’re obviously GREAT actresses. 

— Maybe the men were confused… they thought when a woman had the “Big O” it meant she watched Oprah.

Bobbing For Costumes

Halloween is just around the corner and a new list is out with this year’s top themes in adult costumes.  Witches and vampires still top the list, but characters from movies like “Alice In Wonderland” and Toy Story 3” are also big.  Basically, men want to be funny or scary and women want to be sexy. 

If you want your wife to laugh, dress up like Woody or Buzz Lightyear and promise to take her “To Infinity and Beyond”.

I’m planning on going as something rather controversial this year.  I’m wearing a giant Halloween Mosque. 

Lady Gaga has a costume planned that’s both scary and funny.  She’s going as herself.

So far sales of the Nancy Pelosi costume have been a big bust.

Necessity Is The Father of Invention

Monday, the Nobel Prize for Medicine was awarded to Robert Edwards, the man who pioneered in vitro fertilization.

He says he came up with the idea on one of the many Friday nights when he couldn’t get a date.


Have a great day!  See you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick