It’s “National Mickey Mouse Day”!

- The Day we celebrate the MOUSE so kind… he’d give you the shirt off his back. As opposed to “Donald Duck Day”, when we celebrate the DUCK so kind he’d drop his pants for you… If he wore any.

*****

Disney is considering getting into the online Sports Betting through ESPN.

- It’ll be like regular Sports Betting, but if you lose on the Disney App and don’t pay up… One of the Seven Dwarves show up at your door and Punches you in the knee?

*****

The White House says it stands behind President Biden's Soviet-born “Comptroller of Currency” nominee - despite the fact that she was arrested in 1995 for stealing cologne, socks and four pair of shoes worth $214 from a Wisconsin T.J. Maxx.

- But aside from that… they say she’s REALLY GOOD at handling money!

*****

Taylor Swift says she left a red scarf at her ex-boyfriends house ten years ago… and he hasn’t returned it.

This story reminded me of a song she could record for her next album. It goes a little something like this…

“Oh, your Red Scarf matches your eyes…

You closed your cover before striking.

Father had the shipfitter blues…

Loving you has made me bananas!”

Hey… it won ME an EMMY! Maybe it can do the same for HER! Anybody remember the song or the show it was on?

*****

Sleep experts say the best way to wake up feeling rested and energized is to set your alarm to something “Melodic” like an upbeat pop song.

- No wonder I’m tired all the time. My alarm plays “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

*****

In California a bear was caught on camera walking towards the bathroom at a 7-Eleven.

- So now we finally have an answer to the age-old question… “Does a Bear BLANK in the Convenience Store?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to NASA, we’ll be treated to a “Nearly Total Lunar Eclipse” Thursday night/Friday morning… with 97% of the Moon disappearing into the Earth’s shadow.

- There hasn't been this little moon showing since Kim Kardashian put on a pair of low-rise yoga pants.

*****

The former head of the FDA says that there’s “no question” there will be a big increase in COVID cases after Thanksgiving gatherings.

- Not as big an increase as our stomachs... but still, pretty big.

*****

Body language experts say VP Harris looked “Visibly uncomfortable” appearing with the President at the White House over the weekend and that a hug between the two “Looked like she was hugging a relative she didn’t like at Thanksgiving Dinner”.

- Admit it. One of your relatives IMMEDIATELY popped into your head didn’t it? Feel free to name names. Most people don’t read this blog anyway.

*****

Over the weekend, the Who’s Roger Daltrey called The Rolling Stones “A mediocre pub band”.

- Which reminds me… With the Holidays upon us, if you’re having a Party you might want to consider booking my Dad’s all-time favorite rockers… “Toots Dentino and the Buffalo Boys”. Private Message me if you want their number.

*****

“Woke” Activists are now trying to cancel re-runs of Seinfeld by calling them racist.

- Yada Yada Yada.

*****

80 year old James Hoffa is stepping down after more than 20 years at helm of the Teamsters union that his father Jimmy ran from 1957 to 1971.

- Hoffa says he’s retiring because he, “Wants to spend more time looking for his family”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to a new report by CNN, President Biden and V.P. Kamala Harris aren’t getting along.

- Making them the only people in America who AREN’T fighting over politics.

*****

A real estate-at-sea company is selling luxury condos on board a $600 MILLION super-yacht that sails AROUND THE WORLD.

- With my luck, I’d get a condo on the ocean with an obstructed view.

*****

According to a new study Americans face nearly thirty scams a month - including 10 emails, nine phone calls and eight fishy texts.

- And not just in the US. Apparently it’s so bad in Nigeria my email pal Akuna Matada just asked if I could send him a hundred bucks for new safety software for his computer. (Of course I did!)

*****

British authorities busted a truck driver with more than 900 pounds of cocaine with a street value of more than $44 MILLION hidden in a shipment of frozen onion rings.

- Which raises an important question: What did they do with all the Onion Rings?? (Asking for a friend…)

*****

Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers rejoined his team and beat the Seahawks 17-0 Sunday after a 10-day absence due to COVID. .

- And yet the Lions till didn’t win and they weren’t even sick.

*****

A New Hampshire teen was suspended for a day, and is now suing his school principal, after he was suspended for saying that there are only “Two Genders”… while riding home on the Bus.

- These days, the wheels of the bus aren’t just going round and round… they’re goin’ off the rails.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

- Dick

The LIONS DIDN’T LOSE!! But then again… they DIDN’T WIN. They TIED. 16-16 was the score against the Steelers. Whose better than us?? NOBODY!!!

*****

Dr. Oz is considering running for Senate in Pennsylvania.

- Oz says he wants to Represent two groups… “The people of Pennsylvania… and the people of Munchkinland”.

*****

As they struggle to find employees… companies including Arby’s, Wendy’s and the Dollar Tree are offering new hires the chance to get paid AFTER EACH SHIFT - instead of every two weeks.

- And if you want to get paid after every HOUR you work, you might want to consider becoming become a Hooker.

*****

According to a new report, President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping will hold a virtual summit this week.

- Hopefully this will go better than the last time Biden called Xi - and tried to order some Sweet and Sour Pork.

*****

Two of the Original Playboy Bunnies and one of the magazines Playmates say they used to pour soda water in their high heels to ease their foot pain and that Hugh Hefner loved to show off his “Spinning, vibrating bed”.

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT: I believe Hef’s bed was the inspiration for Disneyland’s “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.

*****

A Semi truck full of wine overturned, spilling hundreds of wine bottles onto a freeway in North Carolina.

- This is really gonna take the fun out of this weeks episode of “The Real Houswives of Winston-Salem”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s Veteran’s Day… To all of our Veteran’s, we are humbled by your Service and the immense Sacrifices you and your families made for All of Us. You are as Great as the Country you defend. God Bless You… and God Bless America!

*****

Norway is accusing teen Swedish Climate Change Activist Greta Thunberg of “anti-democratic behavior”.

- They say if she’s doesn’t change her ways she could be prosecuted and sentenced to put together a dresser from IKEA - all by herself.

*****

An Austrian brothel is handing out vouchers to anyone over 18 who agrees to get vaccinated as the government banned unvaccinated people from public spaces.

- While you’ve got your sleeve rolled up… you might want to consider asking them to top off the penicillin in your system.

*****

VP Kamala Harris is being mocked on Social Media and in the Press for appearing to put on a fake French Accent while she was talking to Scientists at a COVID lab in Paris.

- When told of the criticism she was getting, the Prez said, “Come on Man! It was PARIS! You know what they say… When in Rome!”

*****

A new study shows many people are fearful about sharing their true beliefs about the COVID Vaccine, Politics, etc…

- I’d tell you how I feel about that… but quite honestly, in the words of George W. Bush… “I’m a-scared!”

*****

A California Couple have become famous for holding their wedding reception at a Taco Bell and posting pics of themselves sharing a Taco for their wedding dinner.

- Oh sure… it’s all Hearts and Tacos now, but give ‘em a few years and it’ll be the same Bean Burrito night after night.

*****

A terminally ill man from Worcestershire, England was arrested last week for “mooning a traffic cam”. He says he did it, because “Flashing his butt to a speed camera” was on his Bucket List.

- We should cross our collected fingers that mooning a traffic cam isn’t on Kim Kardashian’s “Bucket List” or else somebody’s gonna lose an eye.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to a new poll, 2 in 5 Americans say owning a Pet is more expensive than having Children.

- That may be true… but you don’t have to send Dogs to College.

*****

Alec Baldwin is calling for Hollywood to mandate having police officers on film sets to protect people from gun misfires.

- Especially if Alec is in the Movie.

*****

Prince Harry says that the day before the riot at the US Captiol on January 6, he emailed Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and warned him that a “Coup” was about to happen.

- And if anybody knows about an impending shake-up in government… it’s the guy married to “Megxit”.

*****

NBC’s Brian Williams announced that after 40 years in the news biz… he’s retiring at the end of the year, saying he wants to spend more time with his family.

- Brian said he realized he was ready to retire as he was playing catch with his grandson - and the two of them came under heavy mortar fire in his backyard and were forced to take cover in his tree house.

*****

A website released a list of the most popular Thanksgiving Side Dishes in each state… and while 15 states picked Potatoes… here in Michigan, we picked ROLLS.

- Call me crazy but my favorite side dish is Rutabega. What’s yours??

My favorite part of the meal comes the day AFTER Thanksgiving… when I have Turkey, Cranberry Sauce and Gravy on White Bread. Mmm Mmm Good!

*****

Governor of California Gavin Newsom has now been missing for more than twelve days… leaving pundits to speculate why the Guv is MIA.

- Well no wonder they can’t find him… he’s wearing a mask!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Palace insiders say that Prince Charles wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, “Can’t stop talking” about the moment that President Biden “Broke Wind” while the two chatted privately at the Summit on Climate Change in Scotland last week.

- Apparently there was more than “Change” in the air.

- Biden says Climate Change is the biggest existential threat to human existence, but Camilla says that title belongs to Joe.

*****

A Bronx Teacher was arrested after he sent students pictures of his genitals over Snapchat.

- On a bright note… it’s nice to see that Anthony Weiner has found a new line of work.

*****

Senator Ted Cruz is hitting back at producers of Sesame Street for having BIG BIRD get vaccinated in an attempt to boost interest in child vaccines.

- The episode is brought to you by the letters P - F - I - Z - E and R.

*****

This morning, after 20 months of COVID travel restrictions, the US officially reopened its borders to foreign visitors who are fully vaccinated.

- NOTE: The new rule only applies to foreign VISITORS. If you want to LIVE HERE PERMANENTLY… you can just walk in from Mexico… no vaccine needed!

*****

Bill and Hillary Clinton were on hand in Central Park Sunday as their 41 year old daughter Chelsea finished the NYC Marathon in just under four hours - more than two hours after the female winner of the race crossed the finish line.

- Hillary immediately blamed Chelsea’s loss on “Deplorable Trump Runners” and “Russian Collusion”.

*****

The Census Bureau has released it’s annual list of the “Most Stressed Out Cities in America”… and this years winner is… SEATTLE… with 53% of residents reporting being “nervous, anxious or on edge”.

- And those are just the Cops.

- Apparently Meg Ryan isn’t the only person who’s Sleepless in Seattle.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

This morning, I was eating some of the Raisinettes that I got while I was out Trick or Treating and realized that I forgot to post my favorite Halloween commercial that was on TV a lot. It reminds me of myself getting up for my radio show all those years! Enjoy!

*****

New DNA testing has identified a living relative of Sitting Bull.

- And Elizabeth Warren’s claim that SHE’s the living relative they’re talking about is most likely Sitting Bull——.

*****

There’s a leak in the toilet of Elon’s Musk Rocket ship that will force his “Astronauts” to wear Adult Diapers on Take-Off and Landing.

- Big Deal! I wear a Diaper every time I take off and land too!

*****

Vicki Lawrence claims she was denied the same pay as her male counterpart on “The Carol Burnett Show” because she wasn’t a man like Lyle Waggoner who had “a family to support”.

- When Carol Burnett heard this she said “Soorrryyyy!!!”

*****

President Biden said that despite rising food prices and empty shelves due to supply chain issues, this Thanksgiving will be better than last year.

- Maybe for us… but I’m thinkin it’s not gonna be much better for the Turkeys.

*****

Fitness giant Peleton is partnering with Delta Air Lines to bring some of it’s classes to the airline’s in-flight entertainment systems.

- If you thought leg room was tight now, just wait til the guy in the seat next to you brings his stationary bike as a Carry-On.

*****

According to research out of the University of California-San Francisco, Children’s screen time has DOUBLED during the Pandemic to almost eight hours a day - and that doesn’t include the time they spent going to school over Zoom.

- When I was a kid… the only “Screen Time” we had was when our Health Teacher made us watch the film strip, “What’s Happening To My Body?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As of right now, there were TWO Big Victories last night… 1) The Atlanta Braves won the World Series over Houston and 2) In the Virginia Governor’s race, Republican Glen Youngkin defeated Democrat Former Governor Terry McAuliffe in a HUGE upset.

- Question: Since Political “Wokeness” struck out last night are Baseball fans allowed to do the “Chop, Chop” again??

*****

Australia's borders have opened up after 590 days of covid shutdown.

- In celebration, citizens went crazy drinking Australia’s #1 drink… Coka Koala.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner says that when “She” was still a “He”, his/her then wife, Kim Kardashian’s mom, Kris Jenner told the then “Him” that her best friend, Nicole Brown Simpson once told her that OJ Simpson had told her (Kris) that he “Would kill Nicole… and get away with it”.

- The only thing more difficult than realizing OJ DID get away with it… is trying to follow that sentence.

*****

“Impeachment: American Crime Story,” the highly anticipated series about the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky affair is tanking in the ratings… with last week’s episode coming in 15th on Cable - tying it with MTV’s show, “Teen Mom”.

- Is it just me or does “Teen Mom” sound like a documentary about Bill’s High School Days in Arkansas?

*****

A California Fraternity was suspended after 5 women claimed members of the Frat spiked their drinks during a party.

- The Fraternity in question is Phi Kappa Cosby.

*****

Hundreds of QAnon supporters gathered on the infamous grassy knoll on Tuesday to hear JFK's son, John F. Kennedy Jr. announce that he would be former President Trump's running mate in 2024 - despite having died in a plane crash in 1999.

- Lee Harvey Oswald may have fired the bullets… but these QAnon people have obviously been doing a lot of Shots themselves.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

With just 54 days until Christmas, Donald Trump's political action committee, Save America, is enticing supporters of the former Prez to donate $35 or more in exchange for "Official Trump Wrapping Paper."

- Not to be outdone, if you donate $100 or more to Prez Biden, you can get “Official Hunter Biden Rolling Papers”.

*****

46 year old Leo DiCaprio dressed as a 100 year old man for Halloween.

- He got the idea by adding up the ages of his last five girlfriends.

*****

HBO is said to be mulling the possibility of bringing back “The Sopranos” to television in 2024.

- Of course it would be different from the Original since the actor who played Tony Soprano is “Sleeping with the Fishes” and the original strippers from the “Bada Bing” can’t “Bing” their “Badas” anymore.

*****

Safeway is the latest major retailer in San Francisco announce that it will close stores at 9pm instead of staying open 24 hours due to out of control shop lifting.

- They don’t care about the crime… they just want to make sure the Shop Lifters are going to bed at a decent hour.

*****

NASA astronauts made “Space Tacos” using Chile Peppers successfully grown on the International Space Station.for the first time ever.

- Did they really think tacos with hot peppers was the BEST CHOICE for dinner in a small, enclosed area filled with men and windows that don’t open??

*****

The Atlanta Braves lead the Houston Astros 3 games to 2 as they head into tonight’s Game 6. It’s the Braves first World Series appearance since 1999.

- To put that in perspective, the last time they were in the World Series, Bill Clinton was President, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” was big at the Box Office and there were only two sexes.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Saturday, VP Kamala Harris got her COVID Booster despite being younger than the CDC’s 65 or older rule - because her job requires “Frequent Travel”.

- And by “Frequent Travel”… they mean “Anywhere but the Southern Border”.

*****

Scientists now say that decades of research pointing to Humans being more Optimistic than Pessimistic may be flawed.

- I knew the whole “Glass is Half Full” thing was a bunch of BS. As my mother used to say about me, “Dickie thinks the glass is half full. But it’s half full of Poison”.

*****

The Real Housewives of Dubai is coming to Bravo in 2022.

- It’s perfect for people who want to watch rich women throw glasses of wine at each other in another language.

*****

New Zealand just gave it’s annual “Bird of the Year” award to… a Bat.

- Even the “Woke” people were like, Huh??

- During it’s acceptance speech, the Bat thanks his parents and a bat he knows in Wuhan, China “Who brought Bats into the spotlight this year”.

*****

34,000 visitors at Disneyland Shanghai were locked in the park by staff on Sunday and forced to get tested for Covid before being allowed to leave.

- It’s part of their “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Swab Up Your Schnozz, No Exit-Service” program.

*****

Over 100,000 people attended New York City's famous Halloween Parade Sunday.

- That’s what they thought… but it turns out those 99,000 people dressed up as “Looters” actually WERE Looters.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A man in Ohio spent 40 days building a massive Halloween skeleton out of foam and PVC piping that looks like it’s clutching his house.

- If you need help with YOUR Haunted House… Keep it simple! Do as I do… “Call the Belvedere Construction Company at Tyler 8- 7100, Because They Do Good Work”.

*****

A new study finds that lack of sleep can affect the way you walk.

- If that’s true… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that John Wayne was an Insomniac.

*****

Webster’s is adding 455 new words to the Dictionary including “Air Fryer”, “Super-Spreader” and “Dad Bod”.

- Isn’t having a “Super Spreader” waistline how you end up with a Dad-Bod in the first place?

*****

Some parents are upset after a female Florida school board member took a group of elementary school children on a field trip to a Gay Bar and posted pictures of the outing on Social Media.

- Read all about it in the new kid’s book, “It’s Okay for George to be Curious about Steve!”

*****

Six months after breaking the world record by giving birth to Nonuplets - that’s NINE BABIES - at a hospital in Casablanca, the proud Mom and Dad are ready to take their five girls and four boys home.

- It’s like the movie! But this time in Casablanca… the Woman said, “Next time, I’ll wear Gray… and you wear a Condom”.

- As the family left Casablanca General, the doctor looked at the babies and said, “Here’s looking at you…KIDS”.

*****

Political insiders said Tim Allen - the longtime voice of Buzz Lightyear has been dropped from the latest spin off of Toy Story because he’s a Conservative. Buzz will be played by an actor known for his liberal views.

- If I were Tim… I’d sue ‘em to Infinity and Beyond.

*****

Happy Belated Birthday to Hillary Clinton who turned 72 this week!

- She celebrated with a Pizza Party at Chuck E Schumer’s.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to CandyStore.com the favorite Halloween candy in Michigan this year is Starburst… with Candy Corn and Skittles rounding out the top three.

- Once again… the traditional Chunky Soup I ladle into the kid’s pillowcases every Halloween doesn’t even make the Top 10.

*****

A new report claims that due to food price inflation, this Thanksgiving will be the most expensive ever.

- And to make matters worse… because of the high gas prices, your relatives are gonna park their camper in your driveway for Turkey Day and stay right through Christmas.

*****

Kellogg's is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not having enough strawberries in its Strawberry Pop-Tarts.

- If we’re going to start looking this closely at breakfast foods… How long before Fiber One is labeled a “Weapon of Mass Destruction”?

*****

Fast Food restaurants are so desperate for workers… some are offering jobs to customers who come in to eat.

- So now they ask if you want “Fries AND $15 an hour with that”

I have been offered a job at a restaurant a few times myself during the labor shortage…True… But I said no. Back when I was in high school I got a job as a short-order cook at a Truck Stop. A couple hours and three burnt coffee pots later… the Owner and the Truck Drivers voted me “Out"!

*****

Taco Bell has added a new “Plant Based Meat” to it’s menu.

- This in addition to the regular “fake meat” they usually serve.

I did try a plant based burger recently. And I gotta tell ya… After I loaded it up with Mustard, Ketchup, Onions, Pickles, Mushrooms, Fat-Free Cheese, and Hot Sauce… It tasted pretty good!

*****

In a related story… The price of Taco Bell Tacos is holding steady.

- Finally… some GOOD NEWS about the price of Gas!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

75 year old Suzanne Somers says that thanks to Hormone Replacement Therapy she has a “great sex life” and that without it she didn’t care about sex and “Would rather have a Smoothie”.

- Boy that must be SOME Smoothie!

- Didn’t she used to tell us that all we needed for a great sex life was a Thigh Master?

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow says her son is “Happy & Proud” that she sells sex toys on her GOOP website.

- Things have certainly changed… I remember being “Happy & Proud” when my Mom made cookies for my Elementary School Square Dance.

*****

The author of the book “Woke Baby!” writes of a race struggle that she says “Starts in the crib”. The book reads in part, “Woke Babies raise their fists in the air. Woke babies cry out for justice”.

- And you thought they just had a poopy diaper.

*****

Outraged Howard University undergraduate students claim they are being forced to live in deplorable housing conditions – with rats, cockroaches, mold, and mushrooms plaguing their dorm rooms.

- Here’s a tip for guys going to College… If you want to live in a dirty run down place with rodents and bugs… Join a Fraternity.

*****

A Caravan of more than 2,000 migrants broke through the Mexican Border City of Tapachula to make their way into the United States.

- This is what happens when Washington gives the thumbs up to a giant game of “Red Rover”. (“Red Rover, Red Rover… Send EVERYONE Over!!!)

*****

A new Airplane survey found that 4 in 10 parents would leave their kids to sit alone in the coach section if they were offered an upgrade to First Class.

- The other 6 leave the kids at home.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The medical journal Lancet says that Climate change is set to become the "defining narrative of human health," triggering food shortages, deadly disasters and disease outbreaks that will dwarf the toll of the coronavirus.

- On the bright side… it’s almost FRIDAY!!!

*****

Disgraced ex-US Rep. Katie Hill who resigned from office after she was caught having a “Throuple” with her then-husband and a female campaign staffer Is pregnant! She’s having a child with her new boyfriend - a former Playboy reporter turned novelist.

- Wait a minute… I could swear I watched a movie with the exact same plot on the Hallmark Channel last night!

*****

A new study suggests dogs can develop ADHD - Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder -making them fidgety, excitable, and loud.

- I thought that’s what made them DOGS.

*****

Hooters servers are complaining that the shorts they have to wear as part of their new uniforms are so small, it look like they're wearing nothing but thong panties.

- Yes, and???

*****

The Taliban have promised free clothes, plots of land and $112 in cash to the family members of suicide bombers who targeted U.S. and Afghan forces.

- That’s quite a retirement package! Too bad you have to be dead to collect.

- Families of the fighters were thrilled saying, like their Suicide Vests, the gifts really blew ‘em away.

******

Hiring experts say prospective employees should never wear Orange to an interview… because it makes you look “flashy” and like you might “

- Especially if your “Orange Outfit” says “Property of Jackson Prison” on the back.

*****

A new report claims Disney is considering getting rid of ESPN.

- So if you want to get sports from Disney… you’re gonna have to wait for videos of Snow White taking the Seven Dwarves Miniature Golfing.

*****

RIP… Ron Rose - a huge force in Detroit Media - has died. Ron started his career - which spanned six decades - as a disc jockey here in Detroit, before opening the legendary Ron Rose Studios where thousands of Radio and TV commercials were recorded over the years. You may not have known Ron’s face… but chances are you knew his deep, resonant voice. He was featured on hundreds of Local and National Commercials plus Hollywood Movie Trailers. Ron was a fantastic guy that Jackie and I both had the pleasure of working with many times.

Our hearts go out to his wife Carla, their three children and five grandchildren.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday…

- Dick

The FDA plans to allow Americans to receive a different booster shot from the vaccine they originally received… So… If you originally got Moderna, you can get Pfizer. If you originally got Pfizer, you can get Moderna.

- Put another way, “If you like your Vaccine… You can KEEP your Vaccine”… but “If you can’t get the Vaccine you LIKE, you can get ANOTHER Vaccine”. I hope that simplifies things for you.

*****

A Washington State fisherman caught an ultra-rare fish during a recent crab fishing excursion - when the Neon-orange, 18 Arm creature got stuck in the crab trap.

- But enough about Joy Behar.

*****

In order to help shore up a lack of employees and increased demand for goods, some trucking companies are teaching High School kids to drive their big rigs.

- Perfect! 18- Wheelers full of gasoline being driven by a kid with a “Student Driver at the Wheel” bumper sticker. What could go wrong??

*****

Palace insiders have confirmed that there’s an unwritten rule in Buckingham Palace that no one in the Royal Family is allowed to go to bed before the Queen… who stays up until Midnight.

- They have a similar rule at the White House… but President Biden won’t let anyone go to bed until he’s tucked in and ready for Matlock at 7:30.

*****

A body language expert says video of a CNBC reporter bouncing her leg and foot and twirling her hair while she interviewed Vladimir Putin shows that she WAS flirting with the Russian Prez… but that he didn’t flirt back.

- So apparently the two won’t be enjoying a “Soviet Union” anytime soon.

- This kind of thing never happened when Helen Thomas interviewed Nikita Khrushchev.

*****

A Los Angeles Realtor is advertising by posting full frontal nude photos of himself inside the houses he’s selling.

- I’m not trying to judge, but I saw one of the pics and it appears the house has a big back yard but not much of a front porch.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Kanye West has officially change his name. He will heretofore be known as “Ye” - with no middle or last name.

- So now instead of Kim saying to their kids, “Listen to your Father”… She just says, “Hear Ye, Hear Ye”.

*****

A woman in Arizona is making headlines for giving birth to a bouncing baby boy named “Finnley” who weighed in at a hefty 14.1 pounds.

- After the doctor slapped the baby’s butt… the Baby slapped his Mom for letting him get that big…but mostly for naming him “Finnley”.

*****

Saudi Arabia has announced plans to convert an Oil Rig into a 150,000 square meter "extreme park" and resort in the Arabian Gulf that will feature 3 hotels, 11 restaurants , a roller coaster, bungee jumping and sky diving.

- This sounds like the Middle East Version of Cedar Point, except on the Merry-Go-Round we ride Horses… They ride Camels.

*****

If you want to vacation at the The Sorrel River Ranch Resort in Utah… pack your parachute. The location is so remote… they fly guests overhead and have them parachute down to the ranch.

- If I want to risk my life on Vacation, I’ll just walk around San Francisco or Portland.

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is bragging about test-firing two Ballistic Missiles from a Submarine.

- Yeah? Well big deal! We’ve got Subway’s “Footlong Chicken Bacon Ranch Sub with Double Meat and Cheese”… that can probably kill you faster than Lil Kim’s Lil Rocket!

*****

According to a new survey, the average American admits to using five different “cleaning shortcuts” while tidying up their home. The number one hack: Misting the room with air freshener instead of actually cleaning or taking out the garbage.

- Which is great if you want your kitchen to smell like “Autumn Leaves” with a hint of last night’s Tuna.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

RIP… Colin Powell has died at the age of 84 from complications brought on by COVID-19 - although he was fully vaccinated. Powell was also being treated for Multiple Myeloma and Parkinson’s Disease.

*****

DC Comics has removed “American Way” from Superman’s slogan… changing it from “Truth, Justice, and The American Way” to “Truth, Justice and a Better Tomorrow”.

- Sounds more like a Presidential Campaign Slogan than a Super Hero Motto.

- I thought “A Better Tomorrow” was something you got from taking Metamucil.

*****

President and First Lady Biden enjoyed their first Date-night dinner at a restaurant over the weekend… with the Prez reportedly dining on Lobster.

- Much like the butter, the President looked drawn.

- Critics complaind about the cost of the meal to tax payers, but the WH pointed out that Biden got the Lobster half-off during the Early Bird Special.

*****

On Sunday, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer suggested that if there are are staff shortages at airports due to the vaccine mandate, Airports should just hire Sniffer Dogs.

- So if you’re planning on trying to sneak drugs through the airport this weekend DON’T hide them in your underwear if you know what I’m sayin’.

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis says her Mother, Janet Leigh would have been traumatized by the "#MeToo Movement.

- Not as traumatized as I was by Janet’s shower scene in Psycho… but still, Pretty traumatized.

*****

Bill and Melinda Gates walked their daughter, Jennifer, down the aisle Saturday Night followed by a reception that cost $2 MILLION.

- If you want to send the happy couple a gift… they’re registered FOR Bed, Bath & Beyond.

*****

RIP… Betty Lynn, the actress best known for playing Barney Fife's girlfriend Thelma Lou on "The Andy Griffith Show” who died Saturday at 95.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A recent OnePoll survey asked 2,000 American parents of children under 10 to weigh in on which “offensive” Halloween costumes they believe should be banned from stores.

- The most offensive costume were “Tickle me Taliban” and the “Sexy Wuhan Lab Worker”.

*****

Police in Ontario released a 9-1-1 call after a man called the emergency line to report he had to pee while stuck in traffic.

- It could have been worse. He could have needed to call 9-2-2.

*****

Walgreens is closing 5 more stores in San Francisco citing “Organized Shoplifting” during the Pandemic - because city policy allows crooks to steal up to $950 worth of merchandise without being arrested.

- UNLESS, of course, the thieves don’t wear A Mandatory MASK during the robbery. That’s when they’ll get jail time.

*****

The trailer for the 5th installment in the “Scream” Horror movie series was released Tuesday - although the movie’s not due in theaters until next year.

- I guess they figure we’ve all got enough to “Scream” about these days without some Movie getting us through the end of 2021.

*****

A robotics company has created a robot dog with a rifle mounted to its back.

- So now you can choose from three kinds of Robot Dogs: A Pointer, a Sitter or a Shooter.

*****

More that 10,000 UAW workers have walked off the job at John Deere after Union and Company leaders failed to reach an agreement.

- The workers announced the strike in a Deere John letter.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan turns 52 today! To celebrate… Tonya Harding is throwing her a party.

- But don’t tell Nancy! Just like the last time the two of. them met… Tonya wants it to be a surprise!!

*****

This morning, 90 year old William Shatner blasted off into space aboard Jeff Bezos Blue Origin’s Rocket becoming the oldest person ever to make the journey.

- He says he hasn’t been this excited to go “Where no man has gone before” since the time he went on a blind date with Ellen DeGeneres.

*****

The Internet went nuts yesterday after it was revealed that a new video series featuring VP Harris teaching “kids” about Space isn’t exactly what it appears… Turns out the “kids” are actually professional actors who had to audition for the roles.

- Maybe they’re hoping the kids can give Kamala some tips on how to “Act” more Vice-Presidential.

*****

Keith Richards says The Rolling Stones will no longer play their 1971 hit “Brown Sugar” in concert - saying that although the song is about the “horrors” of the slave trade, some people have complained about the lyrics.

- The song was written 50 YEARS AGO - but apparently the Stones fans just sobered up long enough to actually listen to the lyrics.

*****

Southwest Airlines canceled hundreds more flights Monday after the airline was forced to ground nearly 2,000 flights over the weekend, blaming the issues on weather and staffing… but insiders say it’s the result of the Biden Administration’s Mask Mandate.

- If they want to “encourage” passengers to wear masks, why don’t they just have them drop from the ceiling like they usually do?

*****

A new report claims New Jersey election officials are struggling to find poll workers.

- It’s so bad they’ve hired Stormy Daniels to host a “Poll Worker Job Fair”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick