For you NCIS fans… Mark Harmon has retired. Last night was his final appearance after 18 years on the show - although we he will stay on as Executive Producer. Harmon’s real life wife of 34 years, Farmington’s own Pam Dawber appeared in the episode as well.

*****

The World Health Organization says that China is denying International Inspectors access to Bat Caves - which they need to determine how COVID originated.

- If they want to get into the Bat Caves… why don’t they just call Bruce Wayne in his Uber/Batmobile? He’ll give ‘em a Lyft.

*****

Monday, DC Comics announced that The new Superman, Jonathan Kent — the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane — will soon begin a romantic relationship with a male friend as he comes out as Bi-Sexual.

- Clark and Lois find out Jon is Bi when his “Date” shows up for dinner and Jon says, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! No… It’s my BOYFRIEND, Bob!!!!”

*****

Jon - who is extremely “woke” has already combated wildfires caused by climate change, thwarted a high school shooting and protested the deportation of refugees in Metropolis.

- If he’s so “Woke”… how come we’re still calling him Super MAN??? Shouldn’t he be Super “Person”???

- What next?? By 2030, Superman will fly with a 100% Battery Operated Electric Cape??

*****

Tomorrow 90 year old William Shatner will blast off into space aboard Jeff Bezos Blue Origin Spaceship… and Captain Kirk says he’s “Terrified”.

- But we’ll never know for sure because as you may have heard… “In Space, no one can hear you scream”.

*****

'Jeopardy!" contestant Matt Amodio's historic run ended on yesterday’s show, leaving him with 38 wins - second only to Ken Jennings - and more than $1.5 million in prize money.

- His historic run reminds me of the time I was on Jeopardy… Except for the 38 wins and $1.5 MILLION in prize money part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Columbus Day… The day we celebrate Christopher Columbus’s voyage across the Atlantic to save BIG at Gardner White’s 12-Hour “You Discovered the New World… You Deserve a Great Night’s Sleep” Mattress Sale!!!

*****

Friday night on “The Tonight Show”, Madonna laid on Jimmy Fallon’s desk, lifted her skirt and flashed the camera.

- But it was no big deal because it was nothing the audience hadn’t seen before.

*****

Archeologists have discovered a 6 MILLION YEAR OLD set of footprints on the Greek isle of Crete.

- You know what they say… Big Feet. Big Fossils.

- Another, smaller set of prints were found nearby - believed to be made by the 1st guys assistant. The 2nd guy obviously had big shoes to fill.

*****

More than 50 years after they split, Paul McCartney has revealed that the Beatles break-up wasn’t HIS idea as many fans thought, but was actually instigated by John Lennon.

- And by “John” he probably means “Yoko”.

*****

Kim Kardashian made jokes about her sisters, her sex tape, and OJ Simpson during her hosting stint on Saturday Night Live… which saw the ratings go up by 23%.

- For those of you not good with math, that comes out to 11.5% per cheek.

*****

A new poll from Figo Pet Insurance found that 3 in 5 people consider their pet to be their soulmate.

- The other 2 in 5 prefer to have a “Soulmate” who doesn’t pee on the carpet.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Andrew Lloyd Webber said he disliked the 2019 film version of his musical “Cats” so much he was “emotionally damaged” and had to buy a therapy dog.

- Personally, I feel “emotionally damaged” every time I watch “Love After Lock-Up” and “Marriage Bootcamp: Hip-Hop Edition”.

*****

Singer Harry Styles finally admitted that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” IS about “the female orgasm”.

- I believe this story comes under the heading “Fake News”!!!

*****

A former female Disney parks employee who used to greet guests while dressed as a Disney character says she was often hit on by married me who tried to slip her their hotel keys.

- Then there was this one time a guy dressed up as a Mouse tried to slip her a Mickey.

*****

Israeli archaeologists have found a rare ancient toilet in Jerusalem dating back more than 2,700 years that they say was designed for “Comfortable sitting, with a deep septic tank dug underneath”.

- They also found an ancient “Squatty Potty” made of stone and a dog-eared copy of the “Sports Illustrated Toga Edition”.

*****

Northwell Health, which employs more than 76,000 people as New York State's largest health care provider, has fired 1,400 of its workers after they refused to get vaccinated against COVID.

- Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about was Keeping up with the Joneses? Now you have to keep up with the Pfizers.

*****

A new study says adults feel happier when surrounded by house-plants.

- This reminds me of my Aunt Beulah who had plants all over her house back in Buffalo. We told her to be careful, but one day the was moving this one plant - I think it was a Rubber Tree - and she fell and broke her hip. Just what made my little old Aunt, think she could move that Rubber Tree Plant? Everyone knows an Aunt, Can’t, move a rubber tree plant. But she had High Hopes! She had High Hopes!

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis admits she’s had Plastic Surgery - but isn’t a fan - saying, “The current trend of fillers and procedures” designed to make us look better on Zoom are “Wiping out generations of beauty”, adding "Once you mess with your face, you can’t get it back”.

- Well I beg to differ... I once had my mustache removed and it GREW BACK! Oh, maybe not as good as my Aunt Beulah’s… but it was still pretty good!!!

*****

Have s great day and I’ll see you back here Friday

-Dick

Scientists say the Moon is moving away from the Earth.

- You know things are bad when even a giant rock that can’t sustain human life wants to move out of the neighborhood.

*****

Some California beaches were forced to close due to an offshore oil spill.

- Experts say it was the biggest oil spill since Kanye West dropped the Coppertone when he was putting sun screen on Kim Kardashian’s back….. side.

*****

An upstate New York couple whose wedding plans were cancelled by travel restrictions at the US-Canadian border ending up saying “I do” at the Quebec crossing so all of their guests could attend.

- The bride wore “Something old, eh. Something new, eh. Something borrowed, eh and Something blue, eh”.

- The guests say the flowers in her Tuque were lovely.

*****

Consumer Watchdog groups say to be on the lookout for products to cost more but actually contain less - which they call “Shrinkflation” - Shrinking Products at Inflated Prices.

- I thought “Shrinkflation” was a new word for what happens to guys when they jump in cold water. (Asking for a friend).

*****

Pop singer Meghan Trainor says she had two toilets installed in her bathroom so she and her husband can “Go to the bathroom together as they grow old and gray”.

- Well isn’t that sweet!

- You know what they say… “The couple that Tinkles together, Wrinkles together”.

*****

A new study finds the Pfizer vaccine loses its effectiveness after 6-months.

- At this rate, we’re all gonna be doing more shots than Charlie Sheen did the night before he went into rehab.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

- Yesterday was “International Toot Your Flute Day”…

- … Proudly sponsored by the fine folks that make Campbell’s Pork and Beans!

******

Speaking of yesterday… Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp suffered a 6+ hour worldwide outage - which meant we didn’t have a blog.

- Mark Zuckerberg said he was “Devastated” that he couldn’t read this blog during the outage… Well that, and the fact that it cost him $7 BILLION.

*****

A study out of the University of Oxford found that a drug used to treat Constipation can also boost a person's Memory after just six days.

- So if you take the pill, it’ll help you remember all the “reading material” you’ll need to take with you for the six days you’ll be sittin’ on the throne.

*****

Clint Eastwood won a $6.1 million judgement against a company in Lithuania that allegedly used his image to imply he supports their CBD products.

- Clint didn’t even have to take the guy to court. He just took out his six-shooter and said, “You've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”. Clint won… so apparently, the guy WASN’T feeling too lucky.

*****

NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio announced a new $5.7 MILLION initiative, which involves stationing a “Community Guide” at each police precinct to greet visitors at the door in an effort to improve “Customer Service” at Police Stations.

- Kind of like Wal-Mart Greeters… but with Guns.

- They were going to give them badges… but they refused saying, “We don’t need no stinking bahdges”. (With thanks to “Treasure of the Sierra Madre”)

*****

The city of Kabul is facing a blackout because the Taliban didn't pay their electric bill.

- Apparently they don’t have “Auto Pay” on their abacus.

*****

Queen Elizabeth is reportedly spending millions to defend her son Prince Andrew as he faces charges in his sex scandal.

- More proof that no matter how many crowns, scepters or tiaras you’ve got… once you’re a Mom, your a Mom forever!!.

*****

RIP… Henry Baskin - my attorney and good friend for many years who negotiated all of my contracts with Radio Station Owners and General Managers…. Successfully. He always had my back!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

United Airlines is firing employees who refuse COVID shots.

- Apparently, the Skies are only Friendly to Fly if you’re vaccinated.

*****

President Biden made a surprise appearance at Wednesday night’s Congressional Baseball Game.

- But there was controversy when Biden realized that he’d only brought enough Juice Boxes and Orange Slices for the players who promised to vote for his $3.5 TRILLION Bill.

*****

A new survey of 2,000 Americans finds 4 in 10 people have more Do-It-Yourself failures than they do successes.

- The biggest DIY failure of the year still belongs to Jeffrey Toobin.

- Who remembers what Jeffrey did on Zoom? Can I see a show of hands??

*****

According to a new poll, the average person estimates that it takes them 5 hours of trial and error before quitting their project and calling in a professional to help.

- In my case, it’s 4 or 5 MINUTES! (if that).

*****

YouTube announced that they will BAN any video that claims Vaccines - including COVID - are “Ineffective” or “Dangerous”.

- So you CAN’T do that… But you CAN look up “The Funniest Taliban Moment EVER” video. (TRUE)

*****

A new study claims Americans check their smart phones 96 times a day.

- Go ahead. I’ll wait.

*****

90 year old William Shatner is set to blast off into outer space on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket and become the oldest person ever in space.

- This reminds me of one of my favorite TV moments… William Shatner was booked to speak at a Star Trek convention where everyone is dressed up like “Trekkies”… Shatner takes one look down at the audience and says, “Hey People… It was just a TV SHOW! GET A LIFE!!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Black and Tan Hound named "Lou" has broken the Guinness Record for "Dog With the Longest Ears in the World" - with flappers measuring a whopping 13.38 inches.

- His owner says “Lou” also has a big nose, which he "tends to stick in other’s people's business".

*****

A Palo Alto woman was charged with arson for setting one of California's wildfires... but she claims the fire started by accident when she tried to boil some bear urine to drink.

- Who among us hasn’t started a Forrest fire when we’re boiling some bear urine to drink??

*****

The President of South Korea is proposing a ban on citizens eating dog meat.

- So if you go to South Korea and you’re in the mood for some Tuna Poodle Casserole… you’re outta luck.

*****

53% of peoplei n the US say they have artwork of nature and landscapes in their home while just 45% say they have artwork featuring people in their homes.

- Meanwhile, 6 percent have a painting of "Dogs Playing Poker" over their Fireplace.

*****

A Staten Island dad was busted for secretly filming nude videos of his live-in nanny.

- If this guy ends up in prison, he's gonna need to grow an Au-Pair.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend because he wanted to “Cuddle” with her.

- I’m pretty sure than most women realize that when a man says he wants to “Cuddle” its code for what he really wants to do: “The Horizontal Mambo”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A British Couple were left red-faced when they had to be rescued from their vehicle — after it flipped over during some "rambunctious sex".

- That’s must have been SOME “Rambunctious sex”!

- Do they teach classes in “Rambunctious sex”? (Asking for a friend…)

*****

A recording of John Lennon singing about his Peace Campaign is expected to bring $50,000 when it goes on sale this week.

- And for an extra $30 Grand… they’ll edit out Yoko’s back-up vocals.

*****

Things are getting hairy for barbers in Afghanistan, where the Taliban police have banned them from trimming beards and shaving hair because it’s a violation of Islamic law.

- Usually in Afghanistan, "Taking a little off the top"... means more than just “shaving” or “trimming”.

*****

Great News! Just in time for Halloween, a clothing company has introduced a "Sexy Bernie Sanders" costume.

- Chances are it’s based on the sexy outfit Bernie wore when he and his wife Honeymooned in MOSCOW. (True!)

*****

Taliban fighters have posted so many pics of themselves at an Afghan amusement park, the countries new Defense Minister has instructed them to “Stop having so much fun”… and "Stop posting selfies" on Social Media.

- They especially enjoy “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”, and takin’ a spin on the Bumper Cars. Unfortunately the “Bumper Cars” are the Military Equipment the U.S. left behind.

*****

New York City continues to be overrun by junkies shooting heroin in broad daylight.

- If Frank Sinatra was alive today, even HE wouldn't Want to Be a Part of It... New York, New York.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The UN Sec. General said over the weekend that Humanity is on the brink of “Nuclear annihilation” with the threat the highest it’s been in 40 years.

- So we’ve got that going for us!!

*****

Just before VP Kamala Harris was set to join the ladies on “The View” Friday, two of the hosts were pulled off the air for having “Positive Covid Tests” that turned out to be “False”.

- Kamala was immediately put in charge of finding the “Root cause of False Positives among Talk Show Hosts”.

*****

United Airlines was fined $2 MILLION for violating Federal Law by keeping passengers trapped on planes for up to 9 hours.

- I know how they feel… I took a trip to Tahiti years ago and ended up stuck on a plane for 22 HOURS. Of course, we WERE in mid-flight at the time.

*****

Speaking of Planes… Harry and Meghan took a Private Plane back to California after a whirlwind trip to NYC to promote “Vaccine Equity”.

- I’m all for that… but how about some “Private Plane Equity”?

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's website cares about your mental health... If you stay on the site for more than 20 minutes, a message pops up encouraging you to "Take a Break" because H&M want you to "Limit your screen time”.

-Hey Harry and Meghan... Here's an idea: How about Limiting YOUR Screen time.

*****

A new survey by the UK’s “Guardian” newspaper found that COVID may have killed our sex lives.

- Well that’s two minutes we’re not gonna get back.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Biden used his one-on-one meeting with British PM Boris Johnson to reprise a story about an Amtrak conductor who supposedly congratulated him for traveling TWO MILLION MILES on Amtrak — even though the conductor died before the event happened.

-Ya think maybe Joe is confusing Amtrak with the Lionel Train he played with as a kid?

*****

Politico - the left leaning Website that dismissed the Hunter Biden laptop Scandal as “Russian disinformation” now says they’ve confirmed the story is true.

- I guess now that the election’s over they have time to get their facts straight.

*****

Taco Bell is test marketing a new “Taco Lover’s Pass” where you get one FREE Taco everyday for 30 days for an upfront fee of five dollars.

- They were going to introduce the “Taco Lover’s Pass” last year at this time, but nobody had any toilet paper.

*****

In a new Disney + Documentary, Dr. Fauci say’s that despite being on TV nearly everyday, he’s a “Modest, humble person” who is actually, “Media Shy”.

- If Dr. Fauci is "Media Shy" them I'm a Super Model.

*****

A new law passed in the South American Country of Colombia will give the countries Workers two days' paid leave if their pets die.

- It doesn't sound like much… but that’s 14 DAYS in Dog Years.

- Cat owners get the better end of the stick… Their owners get two days off for each of Fluffy’s Nine Lives.

*****

A group of Scientists are trying to potty-train cows.

- The hardest part is gettin’ them to sit still when their udders hit the cold water.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Celebs like Milley Cyrus are sporting the latest in Hollywood Hair: “The Wolf Cut”. It’s described as a cross between “The Mullet” and “The Shag”.

- Which is perfect for women who want to look like Carol Brady in 1969.

*****

A 25-year old Florida man was arrested and jailed for DUI after driving the wrong way down the street… on his Wedding Day.

- On a bright note… he must have had quite a Wedding NIGHT.

*****

White House press secretary Jen Psaki said that illegal migrants don’t require vaccines because, and I quote, “They are not intending to stay here for a lengthy period of time.”

- Oh REALLY???

- Sounds like what my ex-brother in law from Buffalo always said when he drove to our house for Thanksgiving.

*****

The White House Press Corp was left shocked yesterday when British PM Boris Johnson answered their questions during a sit-down with President Biden… but the Prez didn’t take take any questions.

- In his defense, Joe COULDN’T answer questions because he left his Magic 8 Ball in his nap room.

*****

A gene editing startup called “Colossal Labs” has raised $15 Million dollars from investors hoping to bring back the Wooly Mammoth.

- WHY???

- If they’re going to bring something back with a lot of hair, why not go with something we REALLY MISS like… Robin William?

*****

McDonald's announced plans Tuesday to phase out plastic toys in its Happy Meals by the end of 2025 and instead will offer playthings made from recycled or bio-based and plant-derived materials.

- I’m not so worried about the toys… it’s what’s in the McNuggets that concerns me.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

P.S. Happy Birthday to Jackie’s son (my Grandson!) Charlie who turns the big 2-0 today!

A new study says only 56% of Americans can name all three branches of government.

- Seriously? I thought everyone new they’re the Executive Branch, the Legislative Branch and Dr. Fauci.

*****

According to a new survey of 2000 people, 43% of Americans say they’re working their “dream job” from childhood.

- When I was a kid, I wanted to be a bus driver. If that had worked out… I’d be the Ralph Cramden of the Buffalo NY-Delaware Avenue Bus Line! “Next Stop: The Anchor Bar for some Chicken Wings!!”

*****

A Walmart worker quit in a profanity-laced tirade over the Louisiana store’s loudspeakers saying, “Attention Walmart shoppers and associates, my name is Beth from electronics. Everyone here is overworked and underpaid. And to Jared, our store manager, you’re a Pervert”.

- Forget the bus driver thing… when I grow up, I want to be Beth from Electronics.

*****

The Mayor of San Francisco was caught on video dancing at a night club WITHOUT A MASK after MANDATING THEM FOR EVERYONE. She defended her actions saying critics are trying to be “The Fun Police” and shouldn’t be allowed to “Micromanage what we do”.

- Because that’s HER Job.

*****

The Vatican is now closing it’s doors to anyone who’s not vaccinatinted.

- HINT: Just say you’ve had the shot, and if they ask to see your Vaccination Card… tell ‘em they should take it on Faith.

*****

Two Japanese sisters have been confirmed as the world's oldest living identical twins and the oldest ever identical twins at the age of 107.

- So guys, if your’e looking for a somewhat mature woman who even has a sister for your friend… call now! This is a limited time offer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Paleontologists say that since many Dinosaurs had armor around their heads and spiked tails, they’re still trying to figure out how the Dino’s had sex.

- Maybe they didn’t. Maybe that’s why they went extinct.

*****

Rapper Nicky Minaj is lashing out at reporters who criticized her for claiming that she knew of someone in Trinidad who’s testicles swelled up after he received the COVID vaccine.

- Why this is just nuts.

*****

Over 25,000 employees at Disneyland in California are suing Disney - saying they can’t survive on the minimum wage they’re paid

- I heard things are so tight when Snow White went to pay the 7 Dwarves, she came up short… And Donald Duck can’t even afford pants.

*****

When someone on social media questioned why President Biden hadn’t commented on the first-ever Civilian trip into Space, Elon Musk tweeted that the Prez “Is still sleeping”.

- Joe is NOT gonna be happy about this when he wakes up.

*****

The city of Portland, Oregon has named a recently completed pedestrian and bicycle bridge after the “The Simpson’s” famous, god-fearing neighbor, Ned Flanders, to promote the goodwill and kindness inherent in the fictional character.

- You can still throw Molotov Cocktails around Portland… but now you have to do it “Nicely”.

*****

A father-to-be in Pittsburgh got into a fight with a woman at his girlfriend’s baby shower and ended up shooting her and two other guests.

- Shocking. This type of thing usually only happens at Gender Reveal Parties.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

*****

President Biden gave a speech to the United Nations this morning, saying that America will “Lead on everything from Covid to Climate”

*****

Melinda Gates will meet with Vice President Kamala Harris Tuesday morning to discuss the world's response to the Pandemic.

- Why not? It’s not like Kamala’s working on anything else.

*****

The United States will soon require foreign travelers entering the country to be vaccinated.

- Unless, of course, those foreign travelers get here by walking in from Mexico.

*****

According to a new survey of 2,000 Americans, 43% of Americans say they’re working their “dream job” from childhood.

- When I was a kid, I actually wanted to be

*****

Ben Affleck is gushing publicly about his girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, for the first time since rekindling their romance after nearly 20 years, saying he’s “In awe of what Jennifer’s effect on the world is”.

*****

A new study says only 56% of Americans can name all three branches of government.

- Seriously? I thought everyone new they’re the Executive Branch, the Legislative Branch and Dr. Fauci.

*****

Anal sex became the surprise agenda item at a school board meeting in Texas after a mother chastised educators for stocking sexually explicit books in school libraries.

- The books in question was called, “Goodnight to your Moon” and “Curious George gets Freaky”.

*****

A 12-year-old boy is facing charges in New Mexico after he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase.

-

*****

A survey of 2000 adults in the UK found that after more than a year of being home, the most pressing concern about going back to work at the office is… Going to the bathroom.

-

*****

The Mayor of San Francisco who was caught on video dancing to the 1996 hit “Let’s Get Down” at a crowded nightclub WITHOUT A MASK is taking heat for breaking her own COVID rules… but she say’s critics are trying to be “The Fun Police” and shouldn’t be allowed to “Micromanage what we do”.

- At this point, the only law enforcement in San Francisco are the Fun Police and Officer Big Mac at McDonalds.

*****

A Walmart worker quit in a profanity-laced tirade over the Louisiana store’s loudspeakers saying, “Attention Walmart shoppers and associates, my name is Beth from electronics. Everyone here is overworked and underpaid. And to Jared, our store manager, you’re a Pervert”.

- I’m not usually one for burning bridges… but I like her Moxie!

*****

A volcano erupted on Spain’s Atlantic Ocean Island of La Palma on Sunday afternoon — forcing the evacuation of about 5,000 people from their homes that were threatened by lava flows.

*****

The Vatican is now closing it’s doors to anyone who’s not vaccinatinted.

- Hint: Just tell them you had the shot… and remind them that they should take it on Faith.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will attend a “Vaccine Equity” event in NYC on Saturday where they’ll “Continue their urgent work with world leaders in the pursuit of global vaccine equity to end the COVID-19 pandemic for everyone, everywhere.”

- These two are such goody two-shoes they make Shirley Temple look like

*****

Two Japanese sisters have been confirmed as the world's oldest living identical twins and the oldest ever identical twins at the age of 107.

- So if your’e looking for a mature woman who “Has a sister” for your friend… call now! This is a limited time offer.

*****

Police in New Zealand arrested two alleged gang associates for breaking COVID lockdown rules after they were found with a car trunk "full of KFC" takeout including three buckets of chicken, ten cups of coleslaw, a large package of fries and four bags of gravy.

- I think the real story her is that they got FOUR BAG OF GRAVY and NO MASHED POTATOES.

*****

A Colorado woman has posted a video of herself singing a classic rock ballad with her Husky.

- It was hard to make out the words, but I’m pretty sure it was something by Three Dog Night.

*****

Monday, the Royal Family announced that Prince Andrew and Fergie’s daughter, Princess Beatrice gave birth to her first child - a baby girl.

- Prince Andrew says he can’t wait to meet his new grand daughter… and is even MORE excited to meet her girlfriends when she goes to high school.

*****

Pop Singer Adelle was spotted twerking on the dance floor at a wedding.

- For those of you who don’t know what twerking is, imagine having an epileptic seizure on the dance floor on purpose.

*****

Apple is reportedly working on new sensor technology that will allow iPhones and Apple Watches to help diagnose depression and cognitive decline in users.

-

*****

A Meteorologist in Marquette was fired from his TV forecasting job after 33 years because he refused the TV stations Vaccine Mandate.

- He thought he would just get a reprimand, but - like with 95% of his forecasts - he was wrong.

*****

Los Angeles Department of Health says the Emmy awards ceremony didn't violate restrictions because the ceremony is “Classified as a TV production and the Stars are considered performers”.

*****

Ultra-Woke Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor, “Change is Brewing” in support of a Squad Members $10 BILLION proposal to replace Police with social workers in some emergencies.

- Great idea guys! I think I’m going to

*****

College Football fans around the country have begun yelling an expletive-laden chant at President Biden at weekend games.

*****

The vice president's office announced that the two will meet at the White House at 9:30 a.m. but offered few details beyond that.

*****

Costco says they’re

A Costco employee says a woman once brought back an empty wine bottle and said she was returning it because it gave her a headache.

*****

The preview for Steven Spielberg’s remake of “West Side Story” is out!

- It’s just like the original, but in the new “Woke” version, instead of Maria, Tony falls in love with Bernardo, Officer Krupke sings “I Feel Pretty” and before the Rumble, half of the Jets and the Sharks take a knee.

*****

Former Prez Trump and Chinese President Xi both made Time’s list of “100 Most Influential People” but were described very differently: Trump as “More of a menace to the Constitution than Nixon” while Xi “Loves his country and his people dearly” and is “very kindly”.

- After reading that… I’d say, “Yes Chicken Little… the sky IS falling!”

*****

In a related story, the UK’s Guardian Newspaper declared the “Sexiest Man Alive" of 2021 is… Dr. Anthony Fauci.

- Proving that ANYBODY can look sexy when they’re behind 14 Face masks.

*****

A Kremlin spokesperson says that Vladimir Putin is “Self-Isolating” after members of his inner circle tested Positive for COVID - but say the fully-vaccinated Putin is “absolutely healthy”.

- Nice to see Putin got the shots. Usually he’s the one ordering them.

*****

According to a new poll, a majority of young people think humanity is doomed.

- Well guess what kids?? The Ball’s in YOUR court!!

****

Sweden report that the sleeping patterns of men may be more sensitive to the lunar cycles of the moon than those of women. and that men may sleep poorly during the first half of the lunar cycle.

- Well this explains why I’ve been tired, moody and a little bloated lately.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner only received 1% of the vote in California’s Recall Election that was won by current Governor Gavin Newsom.

- I guess Caitlyn just wasn’t man enough for the job.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Prince Harry celebrates his 37th Birthday today… and just in time for the festivities, he and Meghan made the list of Time Magazines “Most Influential People” of 2021.

- The articles says H & M “Turn compassion into boots on the ground”… and knowing Meghan, those boots caused about 3 grand.

- Despite their differences, Queen Elizabeth did what she does every year for Harry’s Birthday. She sent him a card with 38 dollars in it… 37 for his Birthday and One to Grow On!

*****

A team of Swedish researchers say that one of the best ways to reduce Anxiety is to engage is some form of physical activity.

- Unless that “Physical Activity” is putting together a dresser from IKEA - which may actually bring on a Panic attack.

*****

The city of Portland, Oregon has named a recently completed pedestrian and bicycle bridge after the “The Simpson’s” famous, god-fearing neighbor, Ned Flanders, to promote the goodwill and kindness inherent in the fictional character.

- You can still thrown Molotov Cocktails around Portland… but now you have to do it “Nicely”.

*****

According to the new book “Peril”, Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff that President Trump had a '“Fat Butt” and was “Crazy”.

- If this was 4th Grade… I’d say Nancy had a CRUSH on Donnie!!!

*****

Last night… Broadway shows “Hamilton”, “Wicked” and “The Lion King” opened back up for the first time since closing for the Pandemic, with ticket holders required to prove that they were fully vaccinated and wear masks.

- So the actors were doing “The Lion King”… but the audience looked like the cast of “The Phantom of the Opera”.

*****

The Taliban announced they will allow women to study in Gender segregated Universities.

- What a great bunch of guys.

*****

RIP… Comedian Norm MacDonald who made a name for himself anchoring Saturday Night Lives’s “Weekend Update” died at 61 after a 9-Year battle with Cancer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Squad Leader AOC is being called hypocritical for attending the $30,000-a-ticket Met Gala wearing a designer gown that had “TAX THE RICH” scrolled on the back.

- You can’t spell “Hypocritical” without “A”, “O”, & “C”.

- AOC said she was nervous and no wonder! Just a few years ago she was SERVING drinks at a New York bar… not drinking them.

*****

Critics pointed out that AOC’s dress looked like the Chick-fil-A logo.

- She could have saved a lot of money by just wearing the bag. Plus she would have gotten fries with that!

*****

Halloween is more than a month away, but retailers say costume sales are “brisk” for both kids and adults.

- Jackie was all set to go as Joy Behar… but they were all sold out of Witches hats.

*****

According to a new book by her former aide, Melania Trump had to be woken up to listen to Trump’s speech on election night last year.

- As opposed to Joe Biden who had to be woken up to GIVE his speech on election night.

*****

Madonna’s 24-year-old daughter, Lourdes, hit the red carpet at the Met Gala in a flowing dress… and unshaven armpits.

- So sweet! I guess it’s true what they say. Girls always turn into their Mothers!

*****

Kim Kardashian showed up for the Gala in a completely black suit complete with a black face mask and hood that completely covered her body, face, hair, eyes and mouth - leaving her unrecognizable.

- Kim’s publicist assured us, “It was Her… No Ifs, Ands or Butts”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Bald is Beautiful Day”!

- Which reminds me of a joke that I thought was SO FUNNY when I was a kid… What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hareline. (Sorry… it’s a slow news day).

*****

Burger King announced that it's banning 120 artificial ingredients from it’s food as part of it’s commitment to deliver “Real Food”. It will affect everything from their buns to their ketchup and mustard.

- I’m all in for healthier food… but don’t mess with my Ketchup.

*****

The scorned ex-wife of a Cryogenics-Storage Facility owner broke into the facility and stole a bunch of “Frozen Human Brains” from people who had hoped to “Come back to life” in the future - but the brains thawed and were ruined.

- I thought the thawed and ruined brains were in Washington D.C. serving in Congress.

*****

A Hospital in upstate New York was forced to quit delivering babies after dozens of nurses resigned over the vaccine mandate.

- They can “quit” all they want, but when Push comes to Shove… those women are GONNA give birth. .

- In their defense, the nurses DID wait to quit until after Labor Day.

*****

Meanwhile, a study out of Binghamton University found that women benefit from eating breakfast, moderate exercise , and keeping fast food to a minimum.

- Hey Binghamton…. Tell us some things we haven’t heard before!

*****

A new study claims that 45% of people suffer from sleep deprivation… and that recovering your memory after a lack of sleep takes a lot longer than people realize.

- Case in point… I can’t remember the last time I got a good night’s sleep.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Hallelujah! The View is back from summer break starting it’s 25th SEASON!!

- I came up with a few things I think the ladies can do to make this season it’s best ever!…

1) Have Joy Behar wear a face mask everyday.

2) See #1.

*****

Mercedes has created a car that can read a driver's mind and adjust its controls according to their thoughts.

- They were going to invent a car that can read a PASSENGER’s mind - but it turns out the driver already knows that his wife is thinking he’s driving too fast.

*****

North Korea held a Middle-of-the-Night military parade to mark the 73rd anniversary of its founding with a noticeably slimmed down Kim Jong Un waving to the crowd.

- He may be a maniacal, nuke-happy dictator… but boy can that guy watch his Carbs!

*****

Prince Andrew had a private lunch summit with his Mom, Queen Elizabeth yesterday to discuss strategy as he faces sexual assault allegations.

- And to ask if the Queen will speak at “Career Day” in his girlfriend’s fifth grade class.

*****

Lifetime’s movie, “Harry & Meghan: Escape from the Palace” is being panned on Social Media for making Harry and Meghan “Look like victims”, while Prince William was “The Bad guy” and Prince Charles was portrayed as a “Hapless Fool”.

- I’m sorry I missed it… but I’ve already marked my Calendar for the special Hallmark Channel Movie, “Harry & Meghan: A Very California Christmas!”

*****

Google has launched 'racial equity training' for its employees, with one session asserting that America is based on a 'system of white supremacy' where babies learn to be racist at three months old.

- So it takes almost three YEARS to teach a kid how to go in a potty chair - but they pick up racism in 3 MONTHS??

*****

RIP… Actor Michael Constantine, best-known for playing the proud father in the hit movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," died last week at 94 following a long illness.

- Sadly, there are some things even Windex can’t fix.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The new “Mu” Covid Variant has now been found in every state but Nebraska - which is another reason the CDC is recommending a third “Booster Shot”.

- They’ve even come up with a sure fire way to get people to take the the “Booster”… Introducing “Pfizer’s Pumpkin Spice Vaccine”.

*****

Ettiquette experts at the Emily Post Institute say it’s okay to wear white after Labor Day… and that it’s perfectly fine to wear black and brown together.

- I don’t mean to brag… but I took a lot of heat for wearing brown shoes with a black tux when I interviewed the then Bruce Jenner at the Auto Show a few years back. Check out my shoes! Turns out I was ahead of my time!!

*****

The federal unemployment bonuses enacted for COVID officially ended over the weekend.

- So now people are going to have to make money the old fashioned way… Ask their parents for it.

*****

A new report claims humans will soon use “Smart Toilets” to track health.

- Scientists say it’s the perfect health monitoring tool “For People on the Go”.

- Question: If toilets are so “smart”… why don’t they clean themselves??

*****

Biden Transportation Secretary Pete Buttegieg and his husband were called out for announcing the birth of their two babies by posting a pic of themselves holding the infants while laying in a hospital bed.

- Things sure have changed… In my day, Dad’s weren’t allowed in the room during the delivery. Now, Dad’s aren’t even allowed there for the conception.

*****

Angelina Jolie says she feels traumatized from her marriage to Brad Pitt.

- But not nearly as traumatized as we all are from hearing about their endless divorce.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick