Have a great Holiday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!
-Dick
The skeleton of a 66-million-year-old giant Triceratops Dinosaur named “Big John” is up for sale for $1.4 million.
- The last time a Dinosaur brought this much money was when Larry King was paid for doing TV commercials for “Omega XL Joint Supplement”
- When I heard it was “Made from the elusive Green-Lipped Muscle, found only in the pristine waters of New Zealand”… I was sold!!!! Btw… It didn’t work.
*****
In a new poll, 60% of Americans say the U.S. has “seriously gone off on the wrong track.”
- The other 40% are obviously out of their minds.
*****
According to a new survey of 2,000 American women over the age of 30, women feel most confident and comfortable in their skin at age 32.
- Then, like “Certain parts of their skin”… it’s all downhill from there.
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China is limiting its teenagers to just three hours of video games per week.
- In a related story… a survey found the most Popular video game for Chinese teens is… “Grand Theft Rickshaw”.
*****
Universal Studios is opening a theme park in China.
- The most popular ride will be “Pirates of the South China Sea”.
- Instead of “The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man” attraction… park guests will line up for, “Mr. Toad’s Wild Wuhan Virus Lab Leak”.
*****
Pierce “James Bond” Brosnan put his Malibu home on the market in September 2020 for $100 MILLION but just took it off the market after it failed to get any offers.
- Brosnan is shaken but not stirred about it.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
Yesterday, the Taliban celebrated the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan with fireworks and gunfire.
- They’re also offering great deals on Mattresses during the ”Labor Day/Taliban-Takeover Blowout Sales Event… With the Most Explosive Savings of the Year!!!”
*****
President Biden is still being accused of falling asleep during his press conference with the Israeli prime minister.
- Considering what he does when he’s awake… maybe him taking the occasional nap isn’t such a bad idea.
*****
A Murder Hornets’ nest has been found and eradicated in Washington State.
- It would’ve made more sense if the Murder Hornets had set up shop in Portand, Oregon, not Washington State.
*****
China announced that Children are now only allowed to play 3 hours of video games a week.
- What are they gonna do if the kids break the rules? Send ‘em back to the factory to make more iPhones??
*****
Netflix has secured the global rights to the next installment of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” horror movie series.
- Well - Get - Out - Of - Town….. Finally, the GOOD news we’ve all been waiting for!
*****
A Wisconsin man was arrested for running around a Lowe’s store with no cloths on, claiming he had a bomb in his pants.
- Question: How’d he have a bomb in his pants if he was naked??
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Hollywood is looking to Horror Movies to bring people back to the movies because they’re cheap to make and can easily turn a profit.
- Speaking of that… Three weeks ago I watched part of a 24 hour Marathon of Horror movies starring Abbott and Costello on TCM. The piece de resistance was “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” because in that movie, it was not only Frankenstein, but also Count Dracula and the Wolfman. It doesn’t get any better than that… that’s the Hatrick of Horror Movies!
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CVS is planning to offer talk-therapy at its stores.
- So you’ll be able to get something OFF your chest… and a jar of Vicks FOR your chest… at the same place.
*****
Disney is preparing to offer four tiers of high-priced annual passes to their theme parks ranging from $399 to $1299 per person.
- It may be a Small World, but it’ll cost you more than a grand if you want unlimited access to it.
*****
A California Teacher is under fire for taking down the US Flag in her classroom because it “Made her uncomfortable” and then making students in her classroom Pledge Allegiance to the Gay Pride Flag instead. .
- How much you wanna bet she’d get FIRED if she said the Gay Pride Flag “Made her uncomfortable”??
*****
President Biden has come under fire for looking at his watch during the solemn ceremony at Dover Air Force Base for the thirteen U.S. troops killed in the terror attack near the Kabul airport.
- In his defense, if Joe didn’t make it back to his basement in time for “Andy Griffith” he wouldn’t know what kind of pie Aunt Bee was taking to the Church Social.
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Congrats to Taylor North for winning the LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES!!!! … beating Ohio 5 -2!!! It’s the first time a Michigan team has taken the title since 1959 when it was won by Hamtramck. They’ll be a parade this Thursday, Sept. 2nd at 6pm starting at the Rec Center on Goddard Road and ending at Heritage Park!
- Reminds me of playing baseball in my youth… Well actually, I didn’t play much baseball in my youth - but I did spend a fair amount of time trying to get to first base!!
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Diana de Vegh - an 83-year old grandmother of 2 who is legally blind and a Therapist in NYC - has revealed that she had a 4-year affair with JFK that began when she was 20 and he was 40 - and vows never to have an affair with an older man again.
- Well… since she’s 83… the chances of that NOT happening are pretty good.
- This reminds me… after my Mother died, my Dad married a woman 28 years younger than him - and a couple of years younger than ME. It sure made the “Step-Mommy/Step-Son Dinner Dance” a little awkward.
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Royal Insiders believe that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will fade into obscurity over the next ten years.
- I give ‘em ten more MINUTES.
- I think I speak on behalf of a grateful nation when I say, “Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on your way out”.
*****
Secretary of State Anthony Blinken says the U.S. will retaliate if ISIS-K attacks America or its allies.
- “ISIS-K” sounds like a Breakfast Cereal to me. But one that’s slightly more explosive than Fiber One.
- Which reminds me of one of my favorite lines by the late great comic Dennis Wolfberg who used to appear on my radio show when he was in town. He said: “You cannot eat Fiber One and hold a job
*****
A Mom and Dad in Michigan have been ordered to pay $30,000 to their son to compensate him for his “Extensive Pornography Collection” that they threw out after he left their home.
- The “Woke” Judge also ordered his parents to give the boy a “Participation Trophy”.
*****
According to new research, eating half-a-cup of walnuts each day REDUCES the risk of heart disease and lowers cholesterol by around 8.5%. Last week, they told us that eating a Hot Dog SHORTENS your life by 36 minutes.
- So today, I’m going to have a hot dog with mustard and chopped walnuts. It should only shave about 14 minutes off my life… Talk about a Win-Win!
*****
The Center for Disease Control has issued new language guidelines that aim to get rid of dehumanizing words like “Elderly”.
- So from now on, older people will be known as “Those Discouraged From Buying Green Bananas”.
- Remember when your Mom told you that “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you”? Apparently, she was wrong.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
I got a recorded call this morning that said: "This is the US Customs and Border Patrol calling to inform you that our agents have seized a package of Drugs with your name on it. For more... Press 1 Now”.
- Gee I hope they’re their NOT referring to the melatonin gummy bears I ordered online.
*****
A new study suggests that drinking eight glasses of water a day may keep your heart from failing decades later.
- I don’t know about your heart… but it’ll give your Kidneys a run for their money.
*****
Kanye West has done it again… This time he’s asked a court to legally change his name to "Ye".
- That way, he figures if he ever becomes an atheist, they can call him "Oh Ye of Little Faith". (Bada Boom!)
**********
A new report claims Afghan Evacuees are living in squalid conditions surrounded by garbage and rats.
- It's good practice in case they're relocated to Portland, Oregon.
*****
Former NY Gov Andrew Cuomo had to give back the Emmy he won for his Pandemic Press Conferences because of the Sexual Harassment Scandal.
- The lesson here: If you want to hold onto your Emmy… keep might wanna keep your hands off the Golden Globes.
*****
Delta Airlines announced that beginning Nov. 1st - it will change employees who are still Unvaccinated $200 more per month for health insurance… angering hundreds of their workers.
- Plus, an additional charge of another 35 bucks to check all of their emotional baggage.
*****
Switzerland just hosted the International Championships of Windsurfing.
- In a related story, Sweden is set to host the "International-Putting-Together-Furniture-with-Indecipherable Instructions-That’s-Going-To-Take-YOUR-ENTIRE-WEEKEND-to-Figure-Out-Championships”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
With surges in the Pandemic, COSTCO is once again LIMITING the amount of Paper Towel and Toilet Paper each person can buy.
Pandemic shopping is back…
So heed my word to the wise…
Costco no longer has Pallets of Stuff you need…
Like Bounty Select-a-Size.
*****
President Biden's job approval is down to 41%.
- 41% among AMERICANS. 98% among the Taliban.
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Notre Dame is defending it’s Leprechaun Mascot after a survey found it one of the most “Offensive” mascots in College Sports.
- Who found this offensive, AOC?? It must be part of her “Green New Deal”.
*****
Taliban Spokesman Abdul Qahar Balkhi announced that the Taliban are serious about CLIMATE CHANGE… and set out a list of the terror groups “Eco-Credentials”.
- First on the list: Cut Camel emissions!
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Ben Affleck was spotted shopping for engagement rings for Jennifer Lopez at Tiffany’s in Beverly Hills.
- As the “Voice Over Lady” at all the awards shows would say, “This will be J-Lo’s SEVENTH Engagement ring and her SECOND from Ben!”
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Keeping you up to date in Hip Hop news… The Insane Clown Posse announced their “Farewell Tour”.
- Wow. They’re gonna leave some Insanely big shoes to fill.
- On a bright note… Going to the Clown Posse shows is always great. Cuz just like the old days at the Drive-In movie, you can sneak SO MANY People in each car!
*****
RIP… Charlie Watts, the longtime drummer for The Rolling Stones has died at the age of 80.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
New York State has it’s first female Governor… At 12:00 am - just one minute after Andrew Cuomo’s resignation went into effect, Lt. Gov Kathy Hochul from Buffalo was sworn in.
- On his way out ,Cuomo told Kathy that he’d always be willing to “Lend her a hand”.
*****
Some Chick-fil-A locations are closing their dining rooms… again… due to a staff shortage.
- If only they had a Drive-Thru…
*****
Sean Penn is asking that only moviegoers who have been fully vaccinated from COVID see his new movie “Flag Day” in theaters.
- This from the man who was MARRIED TO MADONNA!!!
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The upcoming TV Series “Impeachment: American Crime Story” will chronicle the infamous affair between President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky - but WILL NOT contain any sex scenes between the two.
- I guess this means we’re not gonna see the Commander-in-Briefs.
*****
According to a new study conducted by the University of Michigan, for the first time ever, more Americans believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution than those who do not.
- I’m not so sure… If Natural Selection is true, how do you explain all of these Taliban guys were seein’ on TV??
*****
During a speech in Singapore billed as a “Major foreign policy speech”, VP Kamala Harris never mentioned Afghanistan, but encouraged her audience to “Start Christmas shopping NOW because of Pandemic-related delivery delays”.
- Remember the good old days when the craziest thing you heard about a VP was when Dick Cheney accidentally shot his friend during a Quail Hunt??
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Miguel Cabrera hit his 500th Home Run yesterday… becoming only the 28th player in MLB history to reach that milestone!!! CONGRATS MIGGY!!!
*****
Barbara Eden of “I Dream of Jeanie” turns 90 today.
- She’s doing great… but at her age, she’s now living in an Assisted Living Bottle.
*****
According to a Belgian newspaper, a woman has been banned from a Zoo in Belgium after Zookeepers determined that her weekly visits to blow kisses to her “favorite Chimp” were “damaging the Chimp’s relationship with other Monkeys”.
- Sounds like sour Apes to me.
- In a related story… my daughter Jackie once had a crush on a monkey… but his name was Davy Jones.
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Queen Elizabeth has lawyered up and will file lawsuits against Prince Harry and Meghan Markle for “hurtful comments” they’ve made about the Royal Family.
- She called her barrister at the firm of Feiger and Bernstein.
*****
While former Prez Trump is still Banned… Twitter announced that they will continue to allow the Taliban to Tweet “as long as they DON’T GLORIFY VIOLENCE”.
- Sounds good to me. I guess we’re all set then.
- What a bunch of Twits.
*****
Paul McCartney threw a star studded bash at his Hampton’s estate this weekend with guests including Jimmy Buffet and Alec Baldwin.
- Jimmy performed a couple songs and Alec was in charge of the Valet Parking.
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RIP… Don Everly of the The Everly Brothers has died at age 84. Don and his brother Phil (who died in 2014) were famous for "Bye Bye Love", "Cathy's Clown," "Wake Up Little Susie”, “Let It Be Me”, “All I Have To Do Is Dream” and many many others. They were a great influence on the Beatles.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Some NFL stars are protesting their contracts by showing up at training camps and not practicing.
- They got the idea from years of watching the Lions show up at games and not really playing.
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Daniel Craig in now the highest paid actor in the world - making $100 MILLION for a pair of movies. The list comes days after Craig said he won’t leave any of his money to his kids saying he finds inheritance “Distasteful”.
- Guess who’s not getting a “World’s Greatest Dad” Coffee Mug for Christmas??
- He looks like he should play Putin more than James Bond. I can hear it now… “The name’s Putin… Vlad Putin”.
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United Airlines has sent a memo to its employees telling them NOT to DUCT TAPE unruly passengers to their seats.
- Is it just me or is flying not as fun as it used to be?
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You can now get buried in a Los Angeles crypt adjacent to Marilyn Monroe and Hugh Hefner for the price of $2 MILLION..
- An extra MIL if you want to be buried on TOP of Marilyn.
*****
The Salk Institute for Biological Studies in California says that “Intermittent Fasting” - eating during a limited time period each day - could help protect older people from falls.
- Well, DUH! The fewer trips you make to the refrigerator… the fewer chances you’ll have to fall too.
*****
Police in Waverley, England are on the lookout for a suspect who’s been pouring cans of Baked Beans on people cars and front doors and running away on foot.
- So this guys got all this gas… but no car??
*****
An endangered giant panda in Singapore has given birth to a new cub who was conceived using artificial insemination.
- Doctors say the hardest part was getting the bear to put her feet in the stirrups.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
It’s National Helium Discovery Day!
- So put on your Ruby Slippers sing with me … “We Represent… National Helium Discovery Day! National Helium Discovery Day! National Helium Discovery Day! And in the name of National Helium Discovery Day… We wish to welcome you to Wednesday’s Blog!
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Prince Harry and Meghan posted an OFFICIAL statement on the Internet saying that the events in Afghanistan have left them “Speechless”.
- We should be so lucky.
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Details are sketchy… but Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg announced that he and his husband have become first-time parents.
- Oh it seems like fun now… but wait until Pete tries to lose the baby weight!
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A company says it has built a device that can capture smells like a human nose.
- It runs on batteries. Even when it’s running.
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A 65 year old Connecticut woman is suing 81 year old Bob Dylan for sexual abuse after an incident she says happened when she was 12 and he was 23 back in 1965.
- Bob denies the allegations and says she must have “misunderstood” what he said. Which makes sense. He’s BOB DYLAN. I think we’ve ALL misunderstood what he’s said at one point or another.
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A new study suggests that Moms with young kids increased their booze consumption by nearly 325% between the start of the COVID pandemic and the end of last year.
-Don’t those mom’s know that the Breast is better than the Bottle??
- And you thought that was Apple Juice in Mommy’s Sippy Cup!
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Florida resident Edith Murray just celebrate her 100th birthday, by deadlifting 150 pounds and earning a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest competitive powerlifter in the female category.
- She doesn’t need an assisted living home… The only “assist” she needs is from the guy who “Spots” for her.
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NASA is looking for Volunteers to spend 12 months “Pretending to live on Mars”.
- You mean we AREN’T living on Mars now?? Sure seems that way…
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It’s National “IS” Day… It was on this day in 1998, when President Clinton was asked “Is that correct?” regarding whether or not he had sex with Monica Lewinsky and he answered, “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is”.
- Remember the good old days when the biggest concern American’s had was whether or not the President had sex with his Intern?
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As the chaos continues in Afghanistan, members of the Taliban posted a video of themselves driving Bumper Cars and riding a Carousel at an amusement park in a move designed “to try and show a more Clownish side” of the Taliban.
- Which is like trying to show the “Softer side of Hitler”.
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People on both sides of the political spectrum are calling the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan “Catasthophic” and are describing the way it happened, “Disastrous”.
-Sounds like another “Find out the Root Cause” job for Kamala Harris!
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A Burka-clad CNN reporter in Kabul said of the Taliban… “They're just chanting Death to America, but they seem friendly at the same time”.
- You know, friendly in a sorta “Serial Killer” kind of way.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
President Biden remains on Vacation at Camp David today as Afghanistan has been completely taken over by the Taliban, with a senior adviser saying the Prez will address the nation “Soon”.
- And by “Soon”, he means “As SOON as he figures out how he’s ever gonna explain WHAT HE AND HIS MILITARY AND POLITICAL ADVISORS JUST LET HAPPEN IN AFGHANISTAN”.
In other news…
President Biden’s new infrastructure bill includes a plan to tax drivers on a per-mile basis.
- I believe we already have a plan for that called “Uber”.
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The Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine says that “Because not all people who give birth and lactate identify as female… and some identify as NEITHER female nor male… people should use "gender-inclusive language" such as "Parent’s Milk" and "Chest Feeding”.
- The closest thing I’ve ever seen to “Chest Feeding” is when Big Al eats the leftover Pizza he drops on his chest… and stomach.
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A new study claims people can see health improvements by just exercising vigorously for four seconds at a time.
- So they’re saying all we have to do is have sex??
*****
Thousands of counterfeit COVID-19 vaccination cards from China have been seized by Customs and Border Patrol officers.
- First China sends us the virus, now they’re sending us FAKE Vaccination cards? Do they ever stop giving??
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Happy Birthday to one of the original Rappers - Sir Mix a Lot - who turns 58 today. For those who don’t remember, Sir Mixalot gave us the classic lyrics “I Love Big Butts and I Cannot Lie”.
- I’ll admit I teared up when Kanye West and Kim Kardashian danced to that song at their wedding.
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New in the Seafood Industry… Plant-Based Fish.
- So apparently it’s not “Healthy” enough to eat Salmon anymore. Now you have to eat Salmon made out of Brussel Sprouts.
*****
Sean Penn says that COVID vaccines should be MANDATORY for all Americans… saying that having a vaccine requirement is no different that setting speed limits to prevent reckless driving.
- And if anyone knows how dangerous Viruses can be… it’s a guy who was once married to Madonna.
*****
President Biden said New York Gov. Cuomo's downfall was “Sad”' because he had done a “Hell of a job' as Governor before an investigation found he sexually harassed 11 women.
- Joe said, “I love the guy, but 11 women? That’s nothing to sniff at”.
*****
Alec Baldwin blamed Cuomo’s resignation on “Cancel Culture” and said losing Cuomo as Gov was “Tragic”.
- Alec was so upset he even punched a guy who wasn’t trying to take his parking spot.
*****
Elon Musk has developed a plan to build a billboard in space.
- So months from now, you’ll be able to gaze up towards the moon and see the words that have inspired man since the dawn of time… “Call Sam!”
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
A friend of mine died yesterday. Jack Aronson, the man who created Garden Fresh Salsa in his garage in Ferndale that became the biggest selling Salsa in the country, passed away at the age of 68 after a battle with Cancer. He was one of the most charitable people I’ve ever met… always on hand to donate to a worthy cause - including our Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon - of which he was a major donor for many, many years. He even went on the Bed and Bread feeding trucks with me many times. Jack was passionate about three things: Family, Helping People and Softball. He could power a ball that went forever.
Our hearts and Prayers go out to his wife Annette, their five children and 16 grandchildren.
Rest In Peace Jack.
*****
Swedish researchers found women are more likely to shrink in height than men - and shed about half an inch per decade starting at age 30.
- Put another way - Women shrink more as they age and men shrink more when they swim in a cold water.
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Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na… Bi-Man!
In the latest installment of “Batman: Urban Legends”, Batman’s sidekick Robin accepts a date with a man and comes out as Bi-Sexual.
- I wonder if Robin will date the Penguin… You Gotta admit he looks great in a tux.
*****
The National Security Agency has awarded a secret $10 BILLION contract to Amazon to manage top secret government data.
- It’ll be fun! Just say “Alexa… Tell me what the government has on me”.
*****
PepsiCo is teaming up with a beer company to create an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew.
- A mega dose of caffeine mixed with sugar and booze… What could go wrong??
- I had a relative who used to drink Whiskey and Mountain Dew. (True) He used to drink a lot of it. (True) He thought it made him really popular with the ladies. (False)
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Late Show host Stephen Colbert told his audience that he was one of the people cut from former Prez Obama’s Birthday Party guest list over the weekend.
- This has been a really rough summer for Stephen. First I cut him from MY Birthday Party Guest list - and now THIS.
*****
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says she probably won’t run for President in 2024.
- Can we get her to Pinky-Swear on that??
*****
Two more women have come forward to accuse NY Governor Cuomo of Sexual Harassment… Plus, his top aide Melissa DeRosa has resigned.
- As a parting gift, Cuomo gave her a hug, a kiss and a grope - “Just for old times sake”.
*****
Another trend making the rounds: Oreo Sushi… where Oreos are separated, mixed with milk, mushed up, rolled out and sliced.
- Or you can just dip the cookies in milk like most people do.
*****
Thousands of people marched in Paris for a fourth consecutive week of protests against the COVID-19 health passes that will soon be required there.
- No matter how you feel about the health passes, you gotta admit it’s nice to see someone other than the Germans marching through Paris.
*****
NBC’s TV ratings for the 2020 Olympics were down 49% compared to the 2016 Summer Olympics.
- The news brought NBC execs to their knees… just like some of the athletes.
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RIP… Jack Aronson, Philanthropist and founder of the Garden Fresh Company has died at the age of 68. More tomorrow.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday…
-Dick
Photos of Obama dancing at his 60th Birthday Party were posted by guests online, but were immediately taken down because the former Prez was MASKLESS.
- It was similar to Bill Clinton’s 60th Birthday Party except Bill went PANTLESS.
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One of Obama’s top aides is asking for people to celebrate the ex-Prez’s 60th Birthday by donating either 6 or 60 dollars to help fund his $500 MILLION Presidential Library in Chicago.
- The 500 mil will cover the cost of Sharpies needed to black out all the government secrets in the books we’re not allowed to read.
*****
A New Six Flags roller coaster is promising to offer the “World’s Steepest Dive”.
- It’s just like Andrew Cuomo’s Political Career - but you’ll wear a seatbelt.
*****
The U.S. came out the OVERALL WINNER at the Summer Olympic Games earning 113 medals - 39 of which were Gold. China came in second with 88 medals - 38 of them Gold.
- China blamed their loss of Medals on the U.S., saying the Americans MISCOUNTED the amount of wins in Column A. And Column B.
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NBC has halted production of a new competition show due to an outbreak of “Explosive diarrhea” among the cast. The show was to be called “Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide”.
- I’m just gonna let that one speak for itself.
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With fewer movies being made in Hollywood, plus a higher tax rate and an exorbitant cost of living, a growing number of celebs are leaving L.A. and moving to Austin, Texas.
- Just a few more hundred miles South and we can get ‘em all out of the country!
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RIP… Markie Post the actress who starred in TV’s “Nightcourt” has died at 70 after a battle with Cancer.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
It’s National Underwear Day… the day we celebrate Underwear that’s “Fun-To-Wear” !!
No matter your preference… Bikinis or Briefs…
Leopard Print or Tightie Whities…
They’re the thing you put on first everyday,
And the last you take off each Nightie!
(Not exactly Shakespeare… But Jackie just wrote it on the fly).
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With even Dem lawmakers in New York threatening impeachment if he won’t resign, NY Gov. Cuomo is still refusing to step down after the Attorney Generals investigation found that he Sexually Harassed 11 women.
- But on a bright note, we’re working on a new “Tickle Me Cuomo” doll.
*****
On Wednesday, The “Woke” Washington Football Team - formerly the Washington Redskins - announced that Native American-inspired headdresses and face paint will no longer be allowed at its stadium.
- But Scalpers are still allowed to sell tickets outside.
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A new study claims men who have sex 21 times a month have a lower risk of prostate cancer.
- Guys, I’ll give you a minute to go tell your wife… It’s okay… I’ll wait.
*****
A University study in England found that Giraffes have “High-Functioning Social Systems”.
- I don’t know how “Social” the systems are… but I bet they’re “High”.
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China’s Foreign Minister slammed comments by US Congressmen that there is a “Preponderance of evidence” that COVID came out of the Wuhan Lab, saying “The report is totally based on the concocted lies and distorted facts”.
- They don’t have a problem with everything else in America being “Made in China” - why the fuss over the virus??
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
Congratulations to Miguel Cabrera who during the Tiger’s 4 - 2 victory over the Red Sox last night, hit his 498th Home Run… leaving him just two away from entering the exclusive 500 Club!
- Boy, this really takes me back to what I was able to do when I played on my High School JV Baseball Team. No, actually it doesn’t.
*****
Former Prez Obama turns 60… and Meghan Markle turns the big 4-0.
The Queen, Prince Charles and Prince William and Kate Middleton with wish Meghan a Happy Birthday.
- The Queen wrote… “Happy Happy Birthday, Meg… You are such a dear! We miss our Harry so, so much… but are glad that YOU’RE not here!!!”
*****
After taking a lot of heat for planning a 500 person party for his 60th Birthday during a surge in COVID cases, Barack Obama has “uninvited” a lot of people on the guest list.
- But he told them they can hold onto the official invite saying, “If you LIKE your Invitation, you can KEEP your invitation”.
- He also scaled back on the entertainment for the party… So Gov. Cuomo won’t running “Handy Andy’s Kissing Booth” after all.
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Bill and Melinda Gates have officially finalized their Hundreds-of-Billions Divorce.
- Hey Bill… It’s tough, but you know what they say… When God closes a door… he opens a Windows 10.0
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In a new episode of Disney's Muppet babies, the character Gonzo dresses as a Princess to promote transgenderism.
The episode is brought to you by the letters L. B. G. Q. & T.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Former Prez Barack Obama is throwing himself a 60th birthday with nearly 500 guests and 200 staff members at his mansion on Martha's Vineyard.
- Pearl Jam will perform a private concert and for extra fun “Uncle Joe” will pull nickels out of all the guests ears.
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Universal Studios is set to drop $400 million for the rights of the famed horror franchise “The Exorcist” to produce a new trilogy.
- In the new version, the Devil is exorcised… but gets a Participation Trophy and an “A” for effort.
*****
A nutritionist in England claims it’s okay to eat chocolate everyday - in moderation - and to remember that “One piece tastes the same as 10 pieces”.
- Are we just supposed to take her word for it?? I’ve always thought the 7th piece tastes the best.
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Less than a week after she pulled out of the Olympics for mental health reasons, Simone Biles announced that SHE WILL will make one last bid for Olympic Gold by competing on the Balance Beam tomorrow night.
- First she’s in. Then she’s out. Then she’s back in again. Is this the Olympics or the Hokey Pokey?
- We wish Simone luck… but if she ends up “shaking herself all about” she’s gonna fall off that beam.
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A failed attempt at the “Snatch” knocked New Zealand weightlifter Laurel Hubbard out of Olympics - after she made headlines as the first Olympic athlete who used to be a man, to compete as a woman.
- Critics weren’t surprise she lost because they said, “She lifted like a girl”.
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Bruce Springsteen has declined to have a New Jersey Rest Stop named after him.
- I think he made the wrong decision… When I was in the Army and lived at Ft. Monmouth in Southern New Jersey, to get to New York City, you had to stop at SEVEN toll booths. And by that time… believe me…you NEEDED a rest stop.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick