Prez Trump is moving the Repub Convention out of North Carolina after the Gov refused to lift social distancing measures for the event.

- What’s the Governor worried about? According to the latest polls, even some in the GOP wouldn’t touch Trump with a 10 foot pole let alone come within 6 ft. of him.

*****

Victor Willis, who played the Cop in the Village People, is asking Trump to stop playing “Macho Man” at his Rallies.

- No word yet from Randy “The Cowboy” Jones, David “The Construction Worker” Hodo or Elizabeth “The Indian” Warren.

*****

The president of the Minneapolis City Council, went viral for saying that calling the police when your home is broken into “comes from a place of privilege”, and that she wants a “Police Free Society”.

- Here’s an idea… Why don’t we try a “Criminal Free Society” first?

*****

Dutch nightclubs re-opened this weekend - but the girls were told to dance on individual chairs so they don’t get too close.

- Meanwhile Strips Clubs in the USA are sticking to usual strict “One Dancer Per Pole” rule.

*****

A Royal Insider says Prince Charles has become a lot nicer since he caught the Coronavirus, but is usually in a bad mood.

- You’d be in a bad mood too if you never got to sit on the Throne.

*****

James Bond has a five-year-old daughter in the newest film, “No Time To Die.”

- The film will either be called “Dr. NO BECAUSE I SAID SO” or “The TeleTubby That Loved Me”.

- Bond had a Jet Pack, a Shark-Bursting Pellet and a Flamethrower Bagpipe but he didn’t have a condom??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Democratic City Officials in New York, L.A., Minneapolis and others are promoting the idea of replacing all Police Departments with Social Workers… who would respond to crimes and disputes.

- Right… Well I don’t know about you but I feel safer already.

*****

CNN anchor Chris Cuomo was reportedly caught prancing around his family pool NAKED in the background of a Yoga Session his wife was attending on Zoom.

- Cuomo is calling the story “Fake Nudes”.

*****

Casting directors and actors can report to work in Hollywood today but audition will be held behind plexiglass.

- That’s gonna make auditioning on the Casting Couch a tad more challenging.

*****

Government officials are demanding that Prince Andrew make him available for questioning over his friendship with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein… but Andrew says he’s “too busy”.

- Well d’uh! It’s Prom Season!!!

*****

A 30-year-old man in China had to go to the hospital to have a 17 inch Tilapia fish removed from where the sun don’t shine - and told doctors he sat on the fish by accident.

- Dontcha just hate it when that happens??

*****

A study by the University of Buffalo found that Coronavirus lockdowns have led to a surge in childhood obesity.

- I grew up in Buffalo. And in my day we didn’t need a Pandemic to get obese… we just needed Ted’s Hot Dog Stand.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The National Guard now has troops surrounding the White House 24-hours a day.

- Apparently they’re afraid looters could get to Prez Trump’s supply of Orange Hair Dye.

*****

The College Board is skipping plans to conduct a home version of the SAT Test because some students don’t have access to the “necessary technology”.

- I skipped the SAT’s because my brain didn’t have access to the “necessary knowledge”.

*****

A British historian says the Pandemic is teaching people to be less selfish and more open to spending their lives helping others.

- It’s true! I just saw a guy on the news helping another guy carry an 85” TV out of an appliance store that was on fire!

*****

A Swedish study found that antidepressant drugs can lead to violent behavior.

- On a bright note, if you get arrested for a violent crime, you’ll feel pretty good about it.

*****

A Massachusetts man was busted for striking a highway worker with a giant pickle.

- Sounds like Anthony Weiner is out and about again.

*****

The movie “Mission Impossible 7” starring Tom Cruise is set to begin filming in September.

- In this one, the Impossible Mission is making Tom look tall enough to ride the roller coaster at Cedar Point.

*****

Former “James Bond Girl” Britt Ekland says the era of super-hot Bond Girls is over because producers want to be more politically correct.

- I can’t wait to see Caitlyn Jenner in “The Woman With the Golden Gun… In Her Pants”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Researchers who discovered burnt marijuana at an ancient Shrine in Israel believe worshipers may have used it to get high more 2700 years ago.

- That, or Willie Nelson’s Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather lived there.

*****

Arizona State University researchers tested the theory that a dog will do anything to save it’s owner if the owner is in distress and the answer is…….. YES!

- In a related story, researchers found that Cat owners in distress are on there own.

*****

Automotive experts say the Pandemic may have changed car buying forever… and that all transactions will be done ONLINE with no Dealership visits.

- So prepare to be on hold for 20 minutes while your salesperson texts back and forth with his Manager to see if he can get a “Better Deal” for you.

*****

A new report shows that Hertz Rent-A-Car paid its executives $16 million in bonuses just before declaring bankruptcy.

- It sounds bad, but the execs still had to drive all the way to the Airport to Turn In their Company Cars.

*****

Many of the nation’s businesses are canceling their scheduled re-openings amidst the violent protests.

- But on a bright note… the Stormi Daniels Tour announced that she plans to reopen this week.

*****

Dermatologists are warning about a new skin problem called “Maskne”??? It’s facial acne caused by wearing a mask.

- This whole pandemic is like being a teenager again… We’re not allowed to take the car out for a drive, we’re not supposed to kiss anyone… and now a lot of people getting Acne again.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Political Insiders are saying it’s possible that former President George W. Bush could endorse Joe Biden for President.

- Biden tweeted his thanks to George adding, “Give your wife Martha a kiss for me and I hope things are going well at Mt. Vernon!”

*****

A new SmartPhone app called GLOBE allows people to rent space in empty apartments for $50 an hour during the Lockdown, so they can escape family members.

- I’m bettin’ the idea came from Joy Behar’s husband.

*****

Space X has not set a return date yet for the crew aboard the International Space Station.

- If I was one of those astronauts looking down at earth this week… I’d stay right where I was.

*****

A new study found that going grey is caused by stress, BUT there’s a Process that can reverse it!!

- Step One in the Process: Write the Governor and tell her to RE-OPEN the Hair Salons.

*****

Walt Disney World has enlisted the Stormtroopers from “Star Wars” to enforce social distancing rules at their parks.

- In a related story, all Seven of the Dwarfs are now named “Happy” because they’ve been playing with their Light Sabers.

*****

Dennis Rodman is urging protesters to stop looting.

- Well thank you Dennis! We appreciate the input!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A California man broke into a bank and microwaved Hot Pockets in the break room.

- Boy… this seems like pretty tame stuff compared to most of the news lately.

*****

Another story riveting the nation…

Kris Jenner is said to be freaking out after Forbes Magazine revealed that her daughter, 21 year old Kylie ISN’T really a BILLIONAIRE and is only worth $990 Million.

- In Kris’s defense, who among us hasn’t worried that our kids won’t make enough to pay the bills??

*****

In less important news… The first ever Government and Privately funded Space Vehicle took off Saturday and docked successfully at the International Space Station Sunday, 19 hours after it took off.

- It would have taken longer, but traffic was really light because of the Coronavirus Lockdown.

*****

More and more Hair Salons are requiring patrons to sign waivers saying they know the potential risk of contracting the Virus when entering and that they are getting their hair cut “Of their own free will”.

- The last time I got my haircut “Against my own free will” was when I was 12 and my Mother MADE ME get it cut before my Boy Scout Badge Banquet.

*****

A survey of 1,300 adults named the Electric Light Orchestra song, “Mr. Blue Sky,” as the happiest song ever.

- Once again, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” gets robbed.

*****

Joy Behar said she was so tired of her gray roots she made her husband dye her hair in their home.

- JOY BEHAR HAS A HUSBAND??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Brothel workers in Switzerland have volunteered to minimize the risk of transmitting the Coronavirus Virus by limiting customers to 2 POSITIONS so they can reopen during the Lockdown.

- Bless their hearts… Those girls just never stop giving!

*****

Burger King is handing out Giant Cardboard Crowns that promote social distancing by keeping customers six feet away from each other.

- Which is great news for people about to throw back a Double Whopper with Cheese, Large Fries and a Milkshake… and are worried about their health.

*****

According to new research, men with shorter ring fingers are 33% more likely to die if they contract COVID-19 and Men with longer ring fingers are less likely to suffer severe symptoms of COVID-19.

- So I guess it’s true what they say… “Big Hands, Big… Immunity”.

*****

The new trend in baby-naming has parents giving their bundles of joy the wife’s LAST name as a first or middle name.

- So if an angry female former talk show host and the Republican leader of the US Senate ever have a baby together (which I hope and pray never happens) we can look forward to welcoming “O’Donnell McConnell”.

*****

Hollywood Studios are now hiring Covid-19 Consultants who can help keep movie sets safe for filming.

- In a related story… Next years Oscars will be hosted by Clor-OX Leachman and Mr. Clean.

*****

According to a new book, Bill Clinton told Jeffrey Epstein that he had sex with Monica Lewinsky by default since “she was the only girl in the White House” during the 1995 government shutdown.

- Well you know what they say… “Any Port in a Storm”.

*****

Speaking of Clinton and Epstein… Two men who were hired to carry out a stranger's sexual fantasy of being tied up while clad in his underpants - went to the wrong address and broke into the wrong home - but politely left after realizing their mistake.

- There making a movie about it… “Bill & Jeff’s Excellent Adventure”.

- Those two are like the “Bobsey Twins” without pants.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Follow Up… Gov Whitmer said that when her husband “dropped her name” when he asked a Docking Company to move them to the front of the line and make sure their boat was in the water before Memorial Day it was JUST a, “failed attempt at humor”.

- Sure. Uh Huh… NOT.

*****

Joe Biden called Trump an “absolute fool” for making fun of the mask the VP wore on Memorial Day and accused Trump of “False masculinity”.

- Put another way, he accused Trump of being Rosie O’Donnell.

*****

According to “Inside sources” the feud between Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle started over whether 3 year old Princess Charlotte should wear tights to Harry and Meghan’s wedding. Kate said yes. Meghan said no.

- And Prince Andrew voted for fishnets.

*****

The “Average American” has put on an extra five pounds since the pandemic started.

- Well I picked a great time to be “Above Average”.

*****

A video has gone viral of an angry mob of shoppers chasing a woman out of a Staten Island grocery store because she wasn’t wearing a mask.

- I miss the good old days when angry mobs of shoppers chased people out of stores “just because”.

*****

Three Bolivian brothers - age 10, 8 and 6 - were hospitalized after coaxing a black widow spider to bite them — Hoping it would turn them into Spider-Man.

- It could have been worse. Wasn’t it a kid in China who ate a bat hoping to become “Batman” and we all ended up stuck in our houses for three months?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Despite Gov Whitmers mandate that people NOT travel to vacation spots for Memorial Day, her husband attempted to get a Docking Company to put their boat in the water at their vacation home - three hours away.

- It’s a case of “Do As I Say… Not As I Do-ck”.

*****

Elvis Presley’s Rhinestone-studded jock strap is going up for auction next week with a starting bid of $35,000.

- Well I guess we finally know where he kept the Banana he loved to have on his Peanut Butter Sandwiches.

*****

On this day in 1805, Lewis and Clark first viewed the Rocky Mountains.

- And they were immediately arrested for standing closer than 6 feet from each other and not wearing masks.

*****

Joe Biden made his first public appearance since mid-March over the Holiday Weekend.

- The Good News is he came out of his basement. The Bad News is, he saw his shadow so we’re gonna have 6 more months of campaigning.

*****

Speaking of Biden… A Quinnipiac Poll shows that Joe Biden leads President Trump by 22 points with women who are over the age of 65.

- Or could it be that women over 65 are so appreciative of a man hitting on them, they wanna thank Joe by voting for him.

*****

Russian Officials are “still trying to determine” how three Doctors fell out of the same hospital window after they criticized the government.

- Well you know what they say in Russia… “When Putin closes a Door, he opens a Window”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Memorial Day! Although many things have changed over the last few months, one thing remains the same: Our gratitude to the brave men and women who made the Ultimate Sacrifice so that we can continue to live in Freedom.

Back when I had my radio show, I recited the following poem every Memorial Day Weekend in honor and in memory of those who gave Everything they had… so that we can have Everything.

The poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  

Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones wrote it around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”. Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

As you enjoy this very unique Memorial Day, I encourage you to take a moment to share “The Inscription” with your family and friends... especially your children. (While properly Socially-Distancing of course). Let it serve as a reminder to us all of the gratitude owed the brave men and women of our Armed Forces who have laid down their lives so that we may live ours.  

Just click on the link below to hear me reading the words written more than 80 years ago - that still resonate today.   

https://static.squarespace.com/static/522b7b7ee4b00c944324f02a/5244b361e4b004a32db3bdce/5244b370e4b004a32db3e949/1306715173009/The%20Inscription.mp3

Have a Safe and Healthy Holiday and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A British study found that dogs go through puberty at the age of eight months.

- And they call it Puppy Love.

*****

Joe Biden has finally come up with a nickname for Prez Trump… “President Tweety”.

- I guess that’s Joe’s way of giving Trump the Bird.

*****

A new survey found that 30% of Americans have been using their Retirement Savings during the Coronavirus lockdown.

- Wow. I guess the toilet paper shortage is worse than I thought.

*****

Shakespeare’s Globe Theater in London may be closed after it was bankrupted by Coronavirus lockdowns.

- Theater fans are upset, but I think they’re making Much Ado About Nothing.

*****

Adele has reportedly become good friends with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle after the couple moved into her Beverly Hills neighborhood.

- Apparently the only people Meghan Markle has been “Socially Distancing” from is Harry’s family.

*****

A South Korean Soccer Team filled their stadium with sex dolls to create the look of a crowd during Sunday’s game.

- Observers said they were the best looking fans in the history of Soccer.

- The players were really excited until they remembered they weren’t allowed to use their hands.

*****

Research suggests that a strategy of being on strict lockdown for 50 days, followed by 30 days of more relaxed social distancing could reduce the number of people getting Coronavirus.

- Seriously?? I haven’t been this confused since Bruce Jenner threw himself a Mother’s Day Brunch.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The hackers who stole private documents from a NYC law firm have shifted their ransom claims from Prez Trump to Madonna.

- Trump and Madonna actually have a lot in common. They’ve both been exposed to a Virus.

*****

A long standing tradition is about to be broken… For decades, the last President returns to the White House to see his portrait unveiled by the new Prez, but this year neither Barack Obama nor Donald Trump want to do it.

- Instead, Trump will unveil a portrait of Jimmy Carter’s brother Billy playing poker with a bunch of dogs.

*****

You already have to wear a mask on airline flights… Now one carrier in Europe is requiring passengers to raise their hands if they want to go to the bathroom.

- This takes me back to my elementary school days when you raised your hand to let the teacher know you “had to go”. It always worked… Except for that one time with Eddie Chamberlain. “Pour” Eddie.

*****

Virginia Police arrested a man who wore a hollowed out Watermelon over his head while he stole liquor from a convenience store.

- He told the cops his wife was responsible because she put it on his “Honeydew List”.

*****

North Korea’s state run media says Kim Jong-un has been working so hard that he doesn’t even take time to sleep.

- Or go to the hair dresser… Or go on a diet… Or join a gym…

*****

The NFL is testing face masks made with surgical material that could help fight off the Coronavirus.

- In a related story, the Lions are testing a mask that will help them fight off losing in the 4th Quarter.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to research out of McMasters University, two helpings of full fat dairy products like whole milk and cheese may lower the risk of diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity.

- And if you follow that diet you’ll be the healthiest one in the Heart Attack Unit.

*****

It’s National Dinosaur Day!

- To celebrate, Larry King will record another TV informercial explaining how he keeps his Prostate so Happy and Healthy!

*****

People on Dating Apps are posting that they’ve tested negative for COVID-19 as a way to lure prospective dates.

- Nothing says romance like a swab shoved up your nose.

- We’ve gone from “What’s your Sign?” to “Have you got Antibodies?”

*****

Ever wonder why it’s called “COVID-19”?

- Because that’s how many pound you’ll put on by the time the Quarantine’s over.

*****

Apple is opening 25 more U.S. Stores this week, as the company continues to gradually ease out of Coronavirus lockdowns.

- Restaurants may still be closed, but at least you’ll be able to pick somebody up at the Genius Bar.

*****

The New York City Parks Department won’t let Porn star Ron Jeremy keep a tree that’s stood outside his childhood home his whole life… and will cut it down as planned.

- It’s just as well. At this point Ron’s tree is pretty wilted.

- Oh well… What goes Up must come Down!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

On this day in 1912 the Philadelphia A’s beat the Tigers 24-2 who used amatuers in protest of Ty Cobb’s suspension. And on this day in 1968 Al Kaline hit is 307th Home Run surpassing Hank Greenberg.

Speaking of Tigers, Fred Willard has died at the age of 86. I say that because the last time I had the pleasure of seeing Fred - it involved the Tigers. He was in town shooting a movie and after interviewing him on the air, he asked us if we wanted to go to the Tiger game with him that evening. Needless to say… that night Big Al, Jackie, my wife Gail and I went and had a great time. I even ate a REAL Hot Dog!!

Fred was a brilliant comedic actor - and if you don’t believe me - just go back and watch his appearances as Martin Mull’s sidekick on “Fernwood Tonight”, and in two of my all time favorite Christopher Guest movies, “Waiting for Guffman” and “Best in Show”.

Fred was also a great guy. When he heard we were doing one of my “Comedy Nights Out” for Charity - he called and asked if he could be added to the line-up. Of course we did - and he was, as always, beyond funny.

RIP

*****

Walmart is selling a new line of nail polishes that look - and SMELL - like snack foods including Donuts, Cheese Puffs and Tacos.

- Great. Just went I was getting good at NOT biting my nails.

*****

A study by RX Bar finds the average person forgets what day it is five times per week.

- How’s that for good news on a Thursday morning??

*****

A UK nudist organization has reported a 100% increase in new members amid the coronavirus pandemic as isolationists increasingly become comfortable with letting it all hang out during lockdown.

- This is great news. Unless you happen to live next door to Michael Moore.

*****

Doctors say that “Tele-Medicine” - where you have an appointment with your Doc over the internet - will probably continue even after the pandemic is over.

- I’m glad I’m not a woman. I can barely answer my emails let alone figure out how to attach stirrups to my computer when it’s time for an appointment with the Gynecologist.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Due to financial hardships caused by the Pandemic, some Democrat lawmakers have proposed that the Government should buy ALL property and give tenants 10 years to pay their rent - interest free. And if they can’t pay at all, that’s okay too.

- This program is commonly known as… “Communism”.

*****

Jane Fonda is the new spokesperson for “Uncle Bud’s” Hemp-based CBD hand sanitizer.

- The label says it will “Kill Bacteria that get on your hands from things like Cell Phones, Door Handles, and Viet Cong Anti-Aircraft Guns”.

*****

A survey by the University of Florence in Italy found that 81% of couples do not intend to conceive a baby during the Coronavirus lockdowns.

- But they say they’re willing to keep trying.

*****

Kamala Harris has emerged as the favorite to be Joe Biden’s VP.

- Meanwhile, Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren is still favored to be his TeePee.

*****

Arkansas hosted the first “Socially Distanced Country Concert” last weekend, with people required to sit at least 6 feet apart”, had their temperatures taken, and wore masks at all times to avoid the Virus.

- Remember the good old days when the only things you could catch on the hill at Pine Knob were a Frisbee and a buzz from the smell of Pot??

*****

A Louisiana Cop was arrested for coercing a woman into having sex with him to get out of a speeding ticket.

- 2 minutes later, the woman made a “Citizen’s Arrest” - claiming the Cop should have gotten the ticket for going faster than she did.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Governor Whitmer says that we should not expect to see full-capacity Stadiums this fall because of the Virus.

- Well it’s good to see SOMETHING’s getting back to normal. We’re certainly used to the Lions NOT playing up to their full capacity.

*****

Rosie O’Donell says she’s going stir-crazy in Quarantine and has eaten about 20 boxes of Pop Tarts since the Lockdown started and posted the picture below.

- Dontcha just hate those people who can binge on junk food and still look GREAT???

*****

Police in West Bloomfield found a horse standing in the middle of Middlebelt Road near Maple Road early this morning.

- So we finally know why the Chicken crossed the road… Because he was Smarter than the Horse.

*****

Dennis Rodman says that the first time he was invited to North Korea, Kim Jong Un said, “We asked Michael Jordan to come but he wouldn’t come so we asked you.”

- Kim may have a bad haircut… but he’s one smooth operator!

*****

Despite almost daily technical glitches and mis-speaks, Joe Biden’s campaign says he’ll - indefinitely - continue campaigning from his Basement. (True!)

- This is exactly the “arrangement” our family had with my Ex-Brother-in-Law Joe. We wouldn’t let him out of the basement either.

*****

Astrologers around the globe are saying that they knew the Pandemic was coming as early as January.

- Well then WHY DIDN’T THEY SAY SOMETHING???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A US District Judge has ruled that Strip Clubs - including “Little Darlings” in Flint - are entitled to money under the “Small Business” bailout.

- I wouldn’t exactly call 36 Double D’s “Small Business”.

*****

RIP… Jerry Stiller of “Stiller & Meara” and later, Frank Costanza, George’s father on “Seinfeld” has died at the age of 92. He finally got his wish. Serenity Now! Sererity Now!

*****

It’s National Limerick Day!

There once was a sweet girl named Iris

Who was dating a fellow named Cyrus,

Though he thought she was HOT,

“Canoodle” they could not…

Except on Zoom - because of the Virus!

*****

To promote her new album “Chromatica”… Lady Gaga is selling hot pink Jock Straps and Thongs over the internet.

- With all the songs I played on the air over the years, I always considered myself a bit of a Thong and Dance man.

*****

Singer Adele posted a pic of herself showing off an incredible 40 pound weight loss.

- To celebrate, she’s releasing a “Trimmed down” version of her hit “Hello”. It’s called “Hi”.

*****

53 year old Mike Tyson reportedly called 57 year old Evander Holyfield to discuss the possibility of the two of them Boxing again to raise money for Charity.

- Evander said Mike kept him on the phone for two hours adding, “That guy can really chew your ear off”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Residents of Thailand are so obsessed with their pets that they rushed out to Pet Salons as soon as the city’s lockdown eased… and Dogs were seen wearing nail polish and dresses.

- I’m betting the first dogs to get their hair done were the Gray Hounds.

*****

Cops pulled over a 19 year old man on an Ontario Freeway who taking his Dad’s car on a Joyride… going 191 MILES PER HOUR.

- You gotta admire the Mountie… and the HORSE… who caught up with him.

*****

The late Dean Martin's daughter says her Dad will appear “In Concert” as a Hologram in Las Vegas starting in 2021.

- Dean agreed to do it to pay off his Bar bills.

*****

Officials in Israel floated the idea of implanting Microchips in more than one MILLION school children to monitor their “social distancing”.

- A lot of you will remember the good old days when instead of a Microchip, the Nuns were on hand at the school dances telling everyone to “Leave Room for Jesus!”

*****

The scientist who made dire Virus predictions prompted Boris Johnson to lock down Britain resigned Tuesday after being criticized for breaking his own calls for social distancing so he could rendevous with his married lover.

- Thus the expression, “Do As I Say… Not WHO I Do”. 

*****

With the Southern Border closed during the Pandemic, some Mexicans are joining Canadians who are trying to enter the US through Canada.

- The Border Guards can tell ‘em apart because all the Mexicans are wearing Soccer jerseys and the Canadians are wearing Hockey jerseys.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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More and more celebs are passing the hours in lockdown using “Butt Masks” which are supposed to “rejuvenate the skin on your buttocks and reduce Buttne (acne)”.

- You mean I’ve had “Buttne” all these years and didn’t know about it???

- Kim Kardashian ordered two cases on Amazon. That’s one case for each cheek.

*****

Frontier Airlines has reversed it’s decision to charge people $39 to keep the middle seat on their flights empty saying they “never intended to profit over safety concerns”.

- And to prove it, they also discontinued their $49 “We Guarantee You’ll Have a Pilot Flying the Plane” fee.

*****

During yesterday’s Supreme Court hearings - which are being held over the phone due to the Pandemic - an “unidentified person” took a break, and then a loud toilet flush was overheard by everyone on the phone… and the public listening online.

- I’ll bet the perpetrator is wishing Justice was not only Blind… but Deaf too.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Elon Musk has explained why he named his new son “X AE A-12”… tweeting: “X, the unknown variable, AE, my Elven spelling of Ai (love &/or Artificial intelligence), A-12 = precursor to SR-17 (my favorite aircraft) and A is “Archangel” (girlfriends favorite song).”

- That’s exactly what I thought!

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle celebrated their son Archie's first birthday by posting a video of Meghan reading the children's book "Duck! Rabbit!”

- I thought Meghan would have chosen “Curious George Screws The Royal Family”.

*****

The lockdown has cancelled the annual week-long “World Naked Bike Ride” but the Portland, Oregon chapter is encouraging riders to strip down and take a spin on “World Naked Bike Ride DAY” on June 27th.

- How about just calling it the “Schwinn SCHWING!”

- I’m thinking they may end up with more than playing cards caught in the spokes.

*****

Some out-of-work chefs from NYC’s top restaurants are taking new jobs as a “Personal Chef” for BILLIONAIRES during the lockdown.

- I hear Amazon’s Jeff Bezos prefers PRIME Rib.

- Obviously the Billionaires haven’t “Mastered the Microwave” like I have. I don’t want to brag… but I can reheat a half a chicken sandwich in under 10 seconds!

*****

Disney said their profits are down 91 PERCENT from last year because of Park closures due to the Pandemic.

- It’s so bad that all Seven of the Dwarves are now Grumpy.

*****

Barack Obama will deliver a commencement address to all the graduating classes of 2020 in a YouTube special.

- The speech is titled “If You Like Your Diploma… You Can Keep Your Diploma”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick