It’s Cinco de Mayo!!! Since we’re all locked inside, this year Cinco de Mayo is gonna be pretty much like Cuatro de Mayo and Seis de Mayo. If you speak Spanish, great. If not… forget about it.

*****

Some out-of-work chefs from NYC’s top restaurants are taking new jobs as a “Personal Chef” for BILLIONAIRES during the lockdown.

- I hear Amazon’s Jeff Bezos prefers PRIME Rib.

- Obviously the Billionaires haven’t “Mastered the Microwave” like I have. I don’t want to brag… but I can reheat some Chicken McNuggets in under 10 seconds!

*****

With the Food Supply Chain partially broken, Costco is the latest retailer to limit the purchase of Beef, Chicken and Pork to three items per member.

- But we can still buy a Palette of Pork RINDS right?

- Hey… Why don’t we all head over to Arby’s because they claim “We Have the Meat!”

*****

A 5-year-old boy who was pulled over driving his parents’ car on a freeway in Utah — told police he left home after arguing with his Mom because she wouldn’t let him buy a Lamborghini.

- This kid is way ahead of me. When I was 5, if I heard the word “Lamborghini” I would have thought we were having some new kind of spaghetti for dinner.

*****

Tom Cruise is reportedly working with NASA and Elon Musk's SpaceX to develop a film shot in Outer Space.

- It will be Tom’s first trip to outer space since he jumped up and down on Oprah’s Couch.

*****

A Russian Government official say a Doctor who complained about being forced to work after testing positive for COVID-19 “Fell out of a Hospital window”… the third Doctor to “ACCIDENTALLY FALL” in the last week.

- Hmmm. Sounds like more Bull… Winkle from the Russians.

*****

48 year old Tesla head Elon Musk and his 32 year old girlfriend welcomed a baby boy over the weekend. His name? “X AE A-12 Musk”.

- They were going to name his “Bob” but they didn’t want him to get teased by the other Celebrity kids.

- Just wait til he’s a teenager. “X AE A-12 MUSK! Just wait til your father gets home!”

- If it had been a girl, they we’re gonna go with Musk, Rat-Susie.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back Wednesday!

-Dick

Six weeks into the “Stay Home” order and things are getting desperate. How desperate? My daughter Jackie sent me this pic this morning…

*****

Michigan State Police ticketed a driver going 180 mph on I-75 in Monroe County… That’s 110 mph over the speed limit.

- He could have avoided the ticket if he’s just told the Cops he was trying to follow the Governor’s order by maintaining "Proper Social Distancing” from the car behind him.

*****

Why did the Dog buy a SmartPhone?

- So he could take Self-Fleas.

*****

Experts predict the Pandemic will change Hotel Stays forever… including the end of the “Mini-Bar”.

- So… It’s safe to sleep on sheets that hundreds - maybe thousands - of people have used but it’s too dangerous to touch the handle of the miniature refrigerator??

- What if we use one of the miniature bottles of vodka to sanitize our hands before we drink all the rest of them??

*****

The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services has introduced a new “Condom Delivery Service” during the COVID-19 outbreak. Just email them and they’ll mail you protection.

- It’s good to know that the government - during these tough times - is there for us when the Rubber meets the Road.

*****

An Iranian man calling himself an Islamic prophetic medicine healer has prescribed drinking camel urine to prevent and cure COVID-19… adding that it must be “fresh and warm” to be effective.

- Feel free to add lemon or some sugar. Whatever you like. One hump or two.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Dentists in France are posting naked pics of themselves online to highlight the need for protective gear.

- Let’s hope the Procotogists don’t get wind of this.

*****

A group of sheep was spotted lined up outside a McDonald’s in Australia that has closed due to COVID-19.

- Usually when Sheep are in the mood for McNuggets they just head on over to the Rooster’s house.

*****

Harrison Ford is under investigation after he “misheard” a traffic control tower instruction and flew his private plane too close to a busy runway.

- Harrison’s 77… I’m thinking maybe “Hans Solo” shouldn’t “Fly Solo” anymore.

*****

Drug manufacturer Pfizer - the makers of Viagra -say they could have a COVID-19 Vaccine ready this Fall.

- It’s good to hear that the company that makes Viagra thinks it’ll have the country Up and Running in no time.

*****

Undercover cops arrested two women in Laredo, Texas, for violating the city's COVID-19 shutdown order by running an undercover hair salon in their home. They face 180 days in jail and a $1000 fine.

- There’s more to the story… but those are the highlights.

*****

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

- Because there was no chance of getting hit by a car because everybody was stuck at home. 

*****

Pandemic Pastime of the Day…

Now that everyone on TV is broadcasting and/or being interviewed from their homes, I find myself getting distracted trying to read the titles of the books on the bookshelves behind them. You too??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Jet Blue has become the first major airline to require passengers to wear facemarks.

- Isn’t that going to make it hard to eat the in-flight meal? Excuse me… I mean the bag of peanuts. Two if you ask REALLY nicely.

*****

According to a Scientific paper, Sharks are “prolific poopers”.

- So THAT’s whose been buying up all the Toilet Paper at Kroger.

*****

Facebook will celebrate America’s graduating Seniors with a live-streaming event on May 15th including a Commencement Address by Oprah Winfrey.

- These kids may not get to walk across the stage… but on a bright note, they’re all getting A NEW CAR!!!!!!

*****

A man in Tennessee who was arrested over the weekend for entering a home wearing a gorilla costume. He told police he’d “entered the wrong house”.

- Somewhere, there’s a woman with a Gorilla fetish and a banana still waiting for her date to show up.

*****

70 year old Richard Gere and his 37 year old girlfriend are the proud parents of a bouncing baby boy.

- Doctors say it’s the first time in history the Mom’s water broke and the Dad broke his hip on the same day.

*****

Experts say one of the best ways to keep from going stir crazy during quarantine is to maintain your normal routine.

- Unless of course your “normal routine” includes leaving the house.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

To give you something to do during the Pandemic… Kodak is selling the World’s Largest Jigsaw Puzzle… with 27 different scenes and 51,300 pieces.

- Well that sounds easily Doable….. If they extend the quarantine for another 15 years.

*****

Meryl Streep wore a bathrobe and drank a martini as she sang a 90th Birthday tribute to composer Steven Sondheim live on TV Sunday night.

- Meryl’s amazing! She slurred her words in 7 different accents!

*****

Quebec Court of Appeal has ruled that A $500,000 debt incurred from three games of “Rock Paper Scissors” is invalid.

- The judges made the decision with a best 2 out of 3 round of Thumb Wrestling.

*****

Nancy Pelosi endorsed Joe Biden for president this morning saying “He’ll make an extraordinary President” because “He never forgets his roots”. 

- He may forget plenty other stuff, but he’s at least he’s got the “roots” thing going for him. 

*****

A man in northern Spain was busted for trying to take advantage of a rule allowing people to leave their homes so their pets could relieve themselves - when he took his pet fish for a walk in its bowl. (True!)

- On a bright note, he didn’t have to use a Pooper-Scooper.

*****

Scientists have discovered a piece of Amber containing a Daddy Long Legs who’s, um, “Nineth Leg” was extended.

- Well, yeah. That’s how he became a Daddy.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Reseachers at a hospital in the Bronx, say men are more adversely affected by the Coronavirus because it hangs out in their… um… “fellas”. 

- The new discovery is known as CAJONE-19. 

*****

Disney may not reopen it’s theme parks until 2021 because “Social Distancing” might be safe - but fewer people in the parks wouldn’t be profitable.

- There will be Preventative measures… Snow White will make Sneezy sleep on the couch and there will be a strict “One Person Per Boat” limit in the “Tunnel of Love”.

*****

A British survey found that 22% of men and 31% of women are finding their partner irritating during isolation… and 12% people stuck indoors with their partner were “re-evaluating” their future together.

- But enough about Bill and Hillary.

*****

A company in Italy has installed a “Traffic Light System” to let workers know when they can and can’t use the bathroom.

- Red means it’s occupied… and Green means you’re good to go.

- The light turns Yellow every time a guy walks out carrying a newspaper.

*****

Connecticut is using high tech drones to monitor people’s temps, detect sneezes and coughs, and monitor social-distancing from the sky.

-This is the most historic “Big Brother” to be in the sky since Orville watched Wilbur take a spin over Kitty Hawk.

*****

To lighten the mood, a farm in Charlotte, NC is renting out “Mambo” - an 8-year-old miniature donkey - to appear in conference calls while people work from home.

- When I was in radio, we used to have a Jack Ass visit our meetings all the time. But instead of “Mambo” we called him “The Program Director”.

*****

Dennis Rodman said that he hopes the unconfirmed report that North Korea’s “Supreme Leader” Kim Jong Un is in grave danger after undergoing heart surgery is 'just a rumor'.

- But just in case… Dennis says he’s already picked out a Dress for the funeral.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As I mentioned on yesterdays blog, Detroit Radio lost one of it’s greats over the weekend. Robin Seymour - legendary host of WKNR’s “Bobbin’ With Robin” in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s died at the age of 94. Robin was a great talent and a great guy. When his memoir came out last year, Robin - who lived in California for years - and then years in Texas with his family - called and asked me to write the introduction. I was honored… and a bit surprised! Let me explain… During the years we worked together on Keener, I used to refer to the alley way behind the station as the “Robin Seymour Memorial Freeway”. He never commented on that… but me being me, I assumed he didn’t like it… But of course, kept doing it anyway! When Robin asked me to write the forward for his book - all those years later - I realized… I guess he did!

Robin was a legend - summed up in the book’s title - “The DJ Who Launched a Thousand Hits”. He was part of Top 40 Radio before the term “Top 40” was invented. He was also a giant in music television - hosting the wildly popular dance shows “Teen Time” and “Swingin’ Time” on Channel 9.

Robin will be missed… and hopefully - and deservedly - will be inducted in the National Radio Hall of Fame next year.

*****

A group of sheep was spotted lined up outside a McDonald’s in Australia that has closed due to COVID-19.

- Usually when Sheep are in the mood for Chicken McNuggets they just head over to the hen house.

*****

A popular “Adult” website says it’s seen a 22% surge in traffic since checks to help during the Pandemic started arriving from the Government.

- They don’t call ‘em “Stimulus Checks” for nothin.

*****

From “The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same Department”…

A woman in NY went to Costco and was told her card needed updating. She was inside a cover-up hat, scarf enveloping her chin, high-neck sweater, dark glasses, no makeup and a mask.

They still took her picture.

*****

If you’re looking for something to do during Quarantine… Wash your sheets! An infectious disease doctor says we have tiny mites all over our bodies that feed off dead skin and then “Poop” it all over our sheets.

- Sweet dreams everyone!!

*****

According to a new survey, 50% of families in Lockdown are spending their time playing board games like Monopoly.

- Speaking of “Community Chest”… I wonder how Madonna’s holding up.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

An 18-year-old man was arrested yesterday for trespassing after he broke into Disney World in California which is closed due to the Coronavirus.

- He’s already been tried, convicted, and served his sentence because he had a Fast Pass.

*****

A California woman found a duck egg at a park, hid it in her bra for 35 days and - Voila! - A baby duck hatched.

- Dolly Parton tried this once… but the after it hatched, the duck quacked… “Help… I can’t breathe!”.

*****

Instead of sending them to jail, officials in Indonesia are sentencing people who violate the nations Pandemic Lockdown Order to spend two weeks in a haunted house.

- If they really want to punish people they should sentence them to two weeks at Joy Behar’s house.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner took to instagram to post a video of herself vacuuming her Malibu mansion during Lockdown.

- This is the biggest Eureka moment Caitlyn’s had since she decided she didn’t want to be Bruce anymore.

*****

An unconfirmed report claims North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is said to be in “Grave condition” following heart surgery and may be replaced by his sister.

- For those of you don’t know her… her name is Kim Jong Kim.

- And if you can’t tell her apart from her brother… she’s the better looking one.

*****

RIP… Robin Seymour, Detroit’s original Top 40 DJ who passed away over the weekend at the age of 94. More on Robin tomorrow.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sales of sex toys have gone up 50% since the lockdown went into effect.

- At least that’s the buzz.

*****

Sites that stream Classical Music have seen a huge influx of subscribers during the Pandemic - as people tune in for the calming effect.

- It’s a great way to relax until things get Bach to normal.

*****

The Palm Beach County Water Utilities Department is begging residents NOT TO USE Baby Wipes after all four pumps at the wastewater pumping facility in Boca Raton ended up clogged at the same time.

- First no Hugs. Now no Huggies. Life just isn’t fair.

- On a bright note… if you’ve happen to have FOUR GIANT PLUNGERS laying around, you could make some serious cash.

*****

Lori Loughlin’s daughters moved out of the family home so they could spend Lockdown away from their Mom.

- Fortunately, Lori was able to pay $500,000 to two other girls to pretend to be her daughters and Quarantine with her.

- Lori spending Isolation just like the rest of us… Cleaning out closets and taking pictures of herself on a rowing machine.

*****

85 year old Shirley MacLaine says she’s spending Lockdown exploring the beginning of Mankind. “I’m here at this time learning how all this started and going into my own interior. It’s my metaphysical language. Totally isolated here, you find your survival, your spiritual meaning”.

- And then she made a grilled cheese sandwich for her lunch with Cleopatra.

*****

Saw this Julie Andrews/Sound of Music Covid-19 video on YouTube. Thought you might be interested in checking it out and even singing along! Enjoy with some tea with jam and bread! Just click on the link!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Democratic insiders are saying that despite attacking each other during the campaign, Joe Biden may pick Elizabeth Warren as his VP running mate.

- It would be a Lone Ranger & Tonto kind of thing.

*****

An artist in Britain has photoshopped a pic of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to show what their hair might look like in Quarantine.

- We’re all in the same boat. My six daughters say that between them, they have enough “Roots” to start a new family tree on Ancestry.com.

*****

A 64 year old man - who’s family gave him a ride on a jet fighter as a gift - panicked and accidentally ejected himself from the plane mid-flight.

- Experts say it’s not unusual for a 64 year old man to suffer from Premature Eject-u-Lation.

*****

Kim Kardashian stressed the importance of social distancing in a new video posted on California Governor Newsom's Instagram account.

- She said even her husband Kanye West stays six feet away from her. But truth be told, it’s because everytime he tries to get closer, he runs into her butt.

*****

A police department in Maryland posted a message reminding residents to wear Pants when going to the mailbox.

- This gives a whole new meaning to Junk Mail.

*****

According to new research, Flamingos form friendships that last for years, hang out with certain birds in their groups and completely avoid others.

- Ya know… Kinda like High School.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Here’s a pic of a full rainbow that appeared over NYC on Monday. Which brings us to the POSITIVE Pandemic Song of the Day.

“Why are there so many songs about Rainbows?

And what’s on the other side?

Rainbows are Visions… But only Illusions.

And Rainbows have nothing to hide”.

Lyrics courtesy of Kermit T. Frog

*****

Suzanne Somers just released a Podcast in which she gives tips on “Solo Sex” during the Quarantine.

- The Podcast is titled: “How to be Your Own Thigh-Master”.

*****

“The View” has vowed to continue broadcasting despite the Quarantine with all the ladies now broadcasting from their own homes.

- Is there no end to our suffering?

*****

Jeff Bezos earned $24 BILLION this week as Amazon's value hit $1.1 TRILLION because people forced to stay home did more shopping online.

- Bezos may have made $24 BILLION… but I got my toilet paper delivered in TWO DAY for FREE!!!

*****

Empty dumpsters caused by the shutdown of restaurants in New York City has given rise to “Gangs of Mice and Rats” who are taking to the streets to battle each other for food and territory.

- It’s like “West Side Story” but with less dancing.

*****

The Federal Government is being sued for denying aid to some Small Businesses including the “Little Darlings” Strip Club in Flint.

- That according to a recent Pole.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The company that’s responsible for new Emojis announced it's delaying the new batch because of the Virus - however they assured texters that the “Gender Neutral Santa” will be out by Christmas. (True!)

- I can’t wait to get back to the NORMAL PC KIND of craziness we’re used to in this country.

*****

Business is booming for companies that sell at-home sperm collection kits, thanks in part to questionable fears about COVID-19 reducing fertility.

- The men who are trying this say the In-Home tests really come in Handy.

*****

Yesterday, we had an Easter “Family Get-Together” with my 6 girls, their husbands and all 8 of the grandkids. But this year… we did it on a Video Conference Call on “Zoom”… with everyone in their own houses. It was different for sure, but great at the same time… Mainly because I didn’t have to pay for anyone’s Easter Dinner!!

*****

There’s a new viral pic of a woman in Florida who went grocery shopping wearing a pair underwear on her head as a makeshift coronavirus face mask.

- She got the idea from Kim Kardashian who made a mask for her ENTIRE FAMILY out of one pair of her Spanx.

- I ventured out to Kroger this weekend myself with a mask I made out of my tightie whites… I almost suffocated.

*****

Pandemic Thought for the Day:

Right about now, the TV Show “The Masked Singer” doesn’t seem like such a novel idea anymore does it??

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day:

In honor of the on-going Toilet Paper shortage… The Beatle’s “Yellow Submarine”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Star of the reality show “Sister Wives” who has 4 Wives and 18 Children says “Because of the Pandemic…Normal life has ceased for me”.

- I’m thinking “Normal life” ceased for him the day he married WIFE NUMBER 2.

*****

Governor Whitmer announced that she spoke to the Easter Bunny and told him he’s an “Essential Worker” and still needs to work during the Pandemic.

- To show MY Covid-19 Easter Spirit, tonight for dinner I’m having Welsh Rabbit… excuse me, I meant Rarebit.

*****

A 107-year old Dutch woman has recovered from the coronavirus, probably becoming the oldest survivor of the pandemic in the world.

- Doctors say she’s a “Miracle” and will live a “Long and happy life”. Well… at least it will be Happy.

*****

RealDoll, a Sex Doll company is encouraging people to buy one of their “Silicone Girlfriends” during the lockdown because they’re “Naturally Antibacterial”.

- I can hear it now… “Hey Bob… You’re new girlfriends HOT!” “I know! And she’s Antibacterial!!!”

*****

A woman in Florida was arrested after she hit her husband with a can of Spagehtti-Os.

- No word yet on whether she hit him with a can with the Hot Dogs or the one with the Meatballs.

*****    

Caitlyn Jenner said she’s interested in joining the cast of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.     

- She’ll fit right in since her boobs are just as fake as the other boobs on the show.  

*****

Pandemic Thought for the Day…

Toilet Paper… You CAN take it with you when you go!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tuesday night North America experienced the first full moon of Spring - known as the “Pink Super Moon”. The “Pink Super Moon” only occurs once a year.

- Unless you count the times Kim Kardashian drops her pants.

*****

Speaking of Kim… She and her mother, Kris Jenner have teamed up to produce a limited edition perfume in time for Mother’s Day.

- Kim says she’ll team up with her “Other Mom” - Caitlyn Jenner - for a special “You Used to Be My Father’s Day” Fragrance.

*****

As if COVID-19 isn’t stressful enough during the day, sleep experts say many Americans are having their sleep disrupted by “Pandemic Dreams” - which they describe as “Weird, Vivid and Scary”.

- I thought “Weird, Vivid and Scary” were three of the Spice Girls.

*****

Michael Moore says he tried to help Hillary Clinton’s Presidential run by creating a comedy all-star team to write material for her during 2016 but she turned him down.

- Hard to believe she turned him down! When I think COMEDY I think Michael Moore!

*****

Officials at an Animal Theme Park in Hong Kong say that with no visitors to occupy their time, two Giant Pandas - “Ying Ying” and “Le Le” are spending their Quarantine time having sex.

- So we’ve got a Tiger at the Bronx Zoo with the Virus (True) and now we’ve got a Panda-Demic.

*****

In other animal news… Zookeepers say they’re having to comfort animals who are anxious and confused by a lack of visitors to zoos on lockdown, and have become “Emotional Support Humans”.

- Great. Soon they’ll be allowing the animals to take “Emotional Support Humans” on airplanes!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump and Joe Biden talked on the phone about the Pandemic, with Trump calling Joe “Warm” and “Wonderful”.

- And Joe calling Trump “Bob” and “Dave”.

*****

Health officials released a sketch of what kids who play lots of video games might look like 20 years from now.

- Most of us look like that NOW after two weeks in Quarantine!

*****

Quarantine Question of the Day: If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it because they’re all inside, quarantined, wearing a scarf on their face, watching re-runs of Gomer Pyle, eating a frozen pizza and a box of Ho-Ho’s… does it make a sound?

*****

World Champion Competitive Eater Joey Chesnut says that if the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest is cancelled because of the Pandemic, he’d be willing to eat hundreds of hot dogs WITHOUT an audience.

- Wow. What a guy! See EVERYONE is making sacrifices!

*****

It took more than a dozen police officers in Los Angles to break up a gathering of 40 people who broke the cities “Social Distancing Rule” for a 1 year old’s birthday party. 

- It seems like just yesterday when this kind of thing only happened at Chuck E. Cheese. (And trust me, with six daughters and 8 grandkids - I’ve spent A LOT of time at Chuck E. Cheese). 

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day…

“Walk on By” by Dionne Warwick

*****

RIP… All-time Tiger Great Al Kaline who died yesterday at 85.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Harvey Weinstein’s attorney says he’s “Doing well and not showing any symptoms” after testing positive for the Coronavirus.     

- Well, other than that pesky 23-year prison sentence… things are really looking up for Harvey!  

*****

Kanye West announced that the new eco-forward mansion he is building in Wyoming will feature a “Urine Garden”.     

- Let me get this straight… He picks the one time in history when we’re almost out of toilet paper to build a URINE GARDEN??

*****    

The makers of RealDoll silicone sex dolls announced they’ll give one LUCKY winner and the doll of his choice an all expense paid weekend at a luxury hotel.

- They’re gonna save money on the mini-bar and room service since sex dolls don’t eat much.

*****

After a week of having to clean her own house because of the Pandemic, Bette Midler - whose recently put her apartment up for sale for $50 MILLION - is taking heat for publicly praising “housekeepers around the globe” for the important work they do.

- Apparently Bette only experiences real life “From a Distance”.

*****

Despite the Stay-at-Home guidelines, Jane Fonda says she’s leaves her house each day to go to the gym and workout.

- Too bad there isn’t a way for her to stay in shape at home, like say a “Jane Fonda Workout Video”.

*****

Porn streaming service and “casual dating” site Adult FriendFinder is now live-streaming the nuptials  of couples whose wedding plans have been wrecked by the virus. 

- If you think the videos of the wedding are good, wait til you see the Honeymoon. 

*****

Hunter Biden is a Dad again! It’s his fifth - and the first for his wife Melissa who he married six days after meeting her, just weeks after breaking up with his brother’s widow (who he cheated on with an Arkansas stripper and ended up fathering a love child with) who he started dating while still married to his wife of 24 years with whom he had 3 children.

- We’ll I’d say Congratulations are in order!

- Dad, Mom, Ex-Wife, Ex-Sister-In-Law & Former-Girlfriend, Ex-Stripper and Baby are all said to be doing well!

*****

Here’s another of daughter Jackie’s Pandemic Songs of the Day… inspired by the Carpenters.

“Why do birds… suddenly disappear

Every time you are near?

Just like me, they have to be…

Far from you.”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

First it was Toilet Paper now it’s Jigsaw Puzzles. Amazon says Jigsaw Puzzles are in the top ten most searched items on their site and many are already sold out.

- It seems to me, If you’re gonna use a puzzle as toilet paper, a CROSSWORD Puzzle might be a better choice.

*****

Governor Whitmer has prohibited all Non-Essential trips to the Veterinarian - which means No spaying or neutering until the lockdown is lifted.

- So Dog owners are just gonna have to take their Humps and move on.

*****

The government of Panama has announced than men and women will only be able to leave their homes for two hours at a time, and on different days.  Men can go out for groceries on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Women on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

- Luckily, they still have phone service so the women can call the men at the grocery stores and remind them to get some milk.

*****

Dr. Fauci - the White House point man on the Coronavirus - says to get out of the way if someone sneezes because a “Very robust, vigorous” sneeze can travel up to 27 FEET.

- I think I speak for all Americans when I say it’s a good thing Jimmy Durante is no longer with us.

*****

Russian Officials have ordered a freeze on all Divorces until at least June 1st because of the Pandemic.

- And you thought it was hard being locked in your house with someone you actually LIKE.

*****

Hillary Clinton told Oprah Magazine that she and her daughter Chelsea have a great relationship and that Chelsea has taught her a lot about “Patience and dealing with it when things don’t go your way”.

- Apparently Hillary missed Chelsea’s class on “Getting Over 2016”.

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day is inspired by the Beach Boys:

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was over…

And we wouldn’t have to wash our hands?

And wouldn’t it be nice to touch our noses

And when we sneeze not worry where it lands?

What happy times together we’d be spending…

It seems this Quarantine is ne…ver… ending…

But this SONG is!!

*****

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Governor Whitmer is expected to announce that Michigan schools will be closed for the rest of the year because of the Pandemic.

- She made the announcement Dr. Seuss’s new children’s book… “Oh, The Places You’ll Go… Don’t Include School”.

- There’s a book for the parents too, “Curious George Goes To The Insane Asylum”.

*****

But Seniors in the Class of 2020 WILL Graduate.

- They’ll be the first class ever to wear a Cap, Gown & Face Mask.

*****

Meghan Markle’s first post-royal gig - doing a voiceover for a Disney Documentary about Elephants - is being panned with critics calling her narration “Schmaltzy and Cheesy”.

- I thought Schmaltzy and Cheesy were the names of the Eighth and Ninth Dwarves who Snow White kicked out of her cottage because their ears were too big.

*****

Paris Hilton announced that she’ll delay the release of a new documentary she directed due to the Coronavirus Pandemic.

- As if we don’t have enough bad news lately, now we hear THIS!!

*****

Kroger and Walgreens are installing plexiglass barriers that will help keep Cashiers and Customers from sharing germs.

- But the Bag Boy is still free to sneeze on your Zucchini.

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day is… “Home on the Range”. Let’s all sing along!!

“We all have to stay Home… It’s a rule - we can’t Roam,

Wash your hands… while your dye job goes Gray.

“Check emails” - I’ve heard… But I forgot my pass-word.

Even my dog stays six feet away”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, President Trump extended the Social Distancing Guidelines until April 30th.

- I’m about ready to wash my hands of this whole thing.

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Hard to believe the biggest thing in the news two weeks ago was the battle between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.

- NOW, if you want to hear from those two, you have to go shopping during “Senior Hour” at Kroger.

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Meghan Markle has reported laid down the law and FORBIDDEN Prince Harry to fly to England to visit his Dad, Prince Charles, who’s been diagnosed with COVID-19.

- Remember the good old days when Harry made his OWN DECISIONS and went to a Vegas hotel, dressed up in a Nazi uniform, and told the HOOKERS what to do??

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Speaking of the Ex-Royals… Prez Trump says that the US WILL NOT pay for Harry and Meghan’s security now that they’ve moved to Los Angeles… but Harry and Meghan say they don’t need his help - they’ve made “Privately Funded Security Arrangements”.

- TRANSLATION: Harry hit Prince Charles up for a raise in his Allowance.

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Divorce filings in NYC have skyrocketed by 50% during the Quarantine which has forced couples to stay at home together.

- Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the Quarantine in NYC start A WEEK AND A HALF AGO??

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You can get more than groceries and prescriptions during Michigan’s lockdown… Under the Governor’s Executive Order Liquor stores will remain open since they are considered “Critical” facilities.

- Well I’ll drink to that!

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I know we’re not supposed to touch our faces… BUT… I’ve had an itch on my nose that’s DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! I’ll admit, I’m about to cave. And thus… our Pandemic Song of the Day…

REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore”

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

10 years ago today I retired after 45 years on the radio in Detroit. The last 10 minutes of the show were recorded and I’m posting it today. (I figured since you’re stuck at home - you probably don’t have anything better to do!) When it ends… it automatically takes you to some other videos of the show from over the years you can watch… if you’re REALLY bored!

And now for a brief look at the news…

Today would have been Opening Day for the Tigers.

- I’ll mark the day by getting off the couch later this afternoon and doing a 7th Inning Stretch.

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A Vet in Britain is treating a Weiner Dog named “Rolo” who was so excited about his family being quarantined at home, he wagged his tail too much and “Sprained it”.

- The last Weiner to suffer this kind of injury was named Anthony.

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Another Day… Another Song… The Carpenters hit “I Won’t Last a Day Without You”. (Think Toilet Paper)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick