Hurrah!!! It’s the last full day of Winter!!!

*****

58% of Millennials say life is “MORE STRESSFUL NOW THAN EVER BEFORE”.

- I’m sure the guys who fought World War II would give that a big “Thumbs Up” on Facebook.

*****

A man who accidentally shot himself in his “manhood” has been charged with carrying a handgun without a license.

- Hasn’t he been punished enough??

*****

A popular Vegan Vlogger is being demonized online after someone posted a video of her eating fish.

- Question: What’s a “Vegan Vlogger”??? I thought he was the guy who discovered The Netherlands??

*****

At a rally last night, N.Y. Mayor Bill de Blasio dodged questions about whether he’ll run for President in 2020 - frustrating all SIX PEOPLE in the audience.

- To paraphrase The Schmenge Brothers (John Candy & Eugene Levy) “If there are more people on the stage than in the audience, it’s time to pack up and go home”.

*****

Burger King has launched a coffee subscription that gives customers one cup a day for 5 bucks a month.

- Sounds like a Whopper of a deal.

*****

Speaking of Whoppers… Yesterday a woman in NY gave birth to a record-breaking 15 POUND BABY.

- I’m bettin’ the baby will be up and walkin’ before Mama is.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Lori Laughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade, announced that she’s quitting USC because of the college admissions scandal.

- And just like that the USC Crew Team’s hopes for a winning season are dashed.

*****

Beto O’Rourke is taking heat for a story he wrote years ago about himself gleefully running kids over with his car.

- Elizabeth Warren said, “He really went off the reservation with that one”.

******

Little Caesars is bringing back it’s Bacon-Wrapped Deep Dish Pizza with 3 1/2 feet of bacon.

- It’s called the “Hot & Deady”.

*****

A woman in Texas gave birth to Sextuplets - three sets of twins - in just nine minutes this weekend.

- Imagine that! She’s gonna have to come up with three million dollars just to get them in to college.

*****

Barack Obama’s half brother, Malik, made headlines in Kenya by tweeting that he thinks Michele Obama is really a man named “Michael Obama.”

- I’m guessing this is not what Barack meant by “CHANGE You Can Believe In.”

- Guess who’s not going to be invited to the Obama Memorial Day BBQ.

*****

A Swedish tech company has unveiled a robot that it claims can conduct job interviews without discriminating against someone’s race or gender.

- I’ve had job interviews with a lot of Robots throughout the years. Or as we called them, “Program Directors”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

SAD NEWS… Stormy Daniels has “Broken Up” with attorney Michael Avenatti after accusing him of using her for financial gain.

- Stormy’s demanding that he give her all the money back in her usual style… one single at a time.

*****

Beto O’Rourke officially announced his Presidential bid this morning.

- If you’re looking for a candidate who’s biggest qualification is “Looking like Bobby Kennedy”… Beto’s your guy!

*****

Laurie Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade was on USC’s yacht when her mother was charged with paying 500 GRAND to get her into college.

- Olivia made it back to shore since her Mom also paid somebody to take her swim lessons for her.

*****

Facebook says it still doesn’t know what caused the site to go down for more than 14 hours starting Wednesday - leaving millions around the world unable to post.

- It was awful. I actually had to walk next door to my neighbors house and ask them what they were having for dinner.

*****

Students at Sarah Lawrence College in NY are demanding that the administration take duties away from “racist white professors” and “provide laundry detergent -- and softener -- for all students”.

- No free bleach?? I guess it would be Racist to make their Tighty Whities even Whiter.

*****

NY Mayor Bill DeBlasio sent out a tweet detailing the four things New Yorkers are allowed to flush down the toilet.

- FOUR things??? I get #1 and #2… but I’m lost when it comes to #3 and #4. Must be a New York thing.

- Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about was the government trying to legislate what we did in the BEDROOM???

*****

The Del Taco restaurant chain is now selling French Fry scented soap.

- It’s designed for guys who love tacos but want to smell like they work at a hamburger joint.

- It goes great with their “Eau de Onion Ring” Cologne.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Liza Minelli is 73 today!

- She says she’ll celebrate with a case of wine because, “Life is a Cabernet old chum”.

*****

Facebook did an about face and republished ads by Elizabeth Warren it had taken down that called for the break-up of… Facebook.

- They made the move after Warren threatened to Sioux.

*****

A pic of Koala Bear at a Wildlife Sanctuary in Australia has gone viral because of the bear’s cool, sexy pose.

- If you think THAT’s sexy, wait til you see the pic of MRS. Koala Bear in a Teddy.

*****

A growing number of people are unplugging from their Smartphones… by buying a second phone with less tech that “focuses on making calls”.

- A phone designed to MAKE CALLS?? What a concept!

- Note to my Daughters: My FlipPhone isn’t out-dated… it’s almost painfully hip!!!

*****

Actress Debra Messing posted a pic of cupcakes shaped like “lady parts” on social media for International Women’s Day - but got in trouble for “offending women who don’t HAVE lady parts”.

- Am I the only one who’s confused here??

*****

During a 90 minute speech during which she called America “garbage,” capitalism “irredeemable,” and Presidents Reagan & FDR “racist”, Democrat Darling AOC said “Like”, “You know”, “Um” and “Whatever” dozens of times.

- If she ever runs for Prez her slogan will be “Like, Um, Hope You Can, You Know, Like, Um, Totally Believe In”.

*****

Researchers have developed the world’s first “genderless voice” designed for people who are offended by the female voices used by Amazon’s Alexa and Google Assistant.

- I don’t care what their voices sound like, I just want them to take “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur and “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton off the playlist!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yippee! An extra hour of Daylight! If you’re still able to “Spring Forward” I hope you did Saturday night!

*****

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders lead all Democrats in the latest polls.

- These two guys remind me of Statler and Waldorf sitting in the balcony on The Muppets.

*****

According to a new poll, half of young people in America want to live in a socialist nation.

- They got the idea from living in their parents basements.

*****

Dolly Parton says she HAS NOT given Elizabeth Warren permission to use her song “9 to 5” during her Presidential campaign… although she IS.

- Warren responded “That’s not true” and called Dolly an “Indian Giver”.

*****

Hidden Valley Salad Dressing put a 24 foot bottle of Ranch Dressing on the Las Vegas strip Sunday.

- In a related story, CNN reported that Prez Trump secretly keeps a giant bottle of RUSSIAN Dressing on his desk in the Oval Office.

*****

A 116-year-old Japanese woman the latest to be named the “World's Oldest Person” says she gets up everyday at 6 and plays board games.

- Proving that Naked Twister isn’t just fun… it’s good for your health!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

House Democrats say they’re planning to subpoena 10 years of President Trump’s tax returns.

- Trump says if he owes anything, he’ll get Mexico to pay for it.

*****

The CEO of Warner Bros. is being investigated for sexual misconduct for allegedly exchanging auditions for sexual favors.

- The actress making the accusations is Daffy Duck’s girlfriend.

- I wish I had more details, but That’s All Folks!

*****

A billionaire diamond trader has died in Paris after suffering a heart attack during a penis enlargement operation

- Sad. But…What a way to go!

- Doctors say they warned him about the risks of Erective Surgey… but he wouldn’t listen.

- The official name of the surgical procedure is “A Reverse Bobbitt”.

*****

According to a new study of Millionaires, the majority of those who went on to become financially successful had a “C” average in school.

- Proving once again that you can’t spell “Success” without a couple of C’s.

*****

6 Taco Bell employees in Philadelphia beat up a man and his girlfriend because of what they call “stress from too many delivery orders”.

- That’s Nacho average defense strategy.

*****

Popeyes has unveiled a “Mardis Gras Bead Box” that will allow people to wear a box of chicken around their necks at next’s years parade.

- Yet another way to flash your Breasts during Mardi Gras.

*****

Fed-Ex is developing a battery-powered same-day delivery robot that can travel 10 miles an hour, carry up to 100 pounds and even make it through pot holes.

- I once owned a ‘74 Chevy Vega with a whole in the floor that could do the same thing.

*****

Thoughts and Prayers to Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek who announced yesterday that he’s been diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A 128-year-old drawing of a roll of toilet paper by the man who invented TP in 1891 solves the age-old question of whether toilet paper should go over or under the roll. And the answer is… OVER.

- Well this should wipe out any doubt.

*****

A lesbian in Florida says that she and her partner "don’t yet know the gender “ of their 11 MONTH OLD baby and will let Him/Her decide if He/She is a Boy or a Girl.

- Here a novel idea… Why don’t they just look in the kids diaper??

*****

Sources close to Hillary Clinton say she’s “surprised her announcement (yesterday) NOT to run in 2020 was taken at face value” and is waiting for the Mueller report before making a final decision.

- Nobody’s more excited about her change of heart than Bill. He’s obviously trying to get her out of the house.

*****

Legendary pro wrestler “King Kong Bundy” has died at the age of 61.

- He fell while trying to swat an airplane during a climb up the Empire State Buidling.

- He is survived by Fay Wray.

*****

Hollywood is still reeling from the death of actor Luke Perry at the age of 52.

- And yet Charlie Sheen Lives.

*****

Starting April 1, anyone in Britain who watches free porn on the internet will have to register with the government to prove they’re over 18.

- So look for this weekend’s… “Million HIGH SCHOOL BOYS Protest March”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A growing number of Americans claim they are “Autosexual”… people who are sexually attracted to themselves.

- Oh sure. Dating yourself is all fun and games until you break up.

*****

It’s Fat Tuesday!

- Wait… are we still allowed to say “Fat Tuesday”?? Isn’t that “Heavy Holiday Shaming”???

*****

Stormy Daniels is embarking on a standup comedy tour about her relationship with President Trump.

- She’ll make history by becoming the worlds first “Lay Down Comedian”.

*****

KFC is trying to raise money on the internet so they can fund important projects including a “hot tub shaped like a bucket of chicken”, and a live production of “Colonel on Ice.”

- Wasn’t there already a musical about KFC? I believe it was called “Grease”.

*****

A nude drawing that bears a striking resemblance to the "Mona Lisa" has been found in Paris and experts believe it was sketched by Leonardo da Vinci himself.

- The whole thing got started when he met Mona in a bar and asked her to come back to his place to “look at his etchings”.

*****

Hillary Clinton says she definitely will NOT run for Prez in 2020… but that she’s “not going away”.

- Repubs are calling it the “Good News, Bad News story of the day”.

*****

72 year old Sylvester Stallone has announced a release date for the final edition of “Rambo”.

- In this go ‘round, Rambo battles cholesterol and high blood pressure.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sad weekend in Detroit… First the death of Lulu, Ernie Harwell’s wife who died Friday at the age of 99; then this morning the word that Red Wing Legend - and all around great guy Ted Lindsay passed away overnight at the age of 93. Ted’s passing is a loss for Detroit - and personal for me as well.

I was not only a huge fan of #7 - “Terrible Ted”… but knew him well in “real life” as they say. I can’t tell you what an honor it was when Teddy played on my “Purtan No Stars” Charity Hockey team in the ‘70s. If you’re a hockey fan, you can imagine the rush and pride I felt all padded-up (I was the goalie) sharing the ice with the 4 time Stanley Cup winner and 9 time NHL All-Star Left Wing, along with Gordie Howe, Alec Delvecchio and many other former Red Wings after they’d retired from the NHL.

I’ll never forget being in the locker room during one of our games when Ted walked up to me. “Hey Dick,” he said. “You gotta concentrate. You’re lettin’ some shots in that shouldn’t be getting by”. As he turned and walked away I yelled, “Hey Ted”. He looked back at me and I added, “F—- You!”

The guys in the locker room erupted in laughter… with no one laughing louder than Ted.

You must understand that people didn’t talk to him like that because of his Tough Guy Persona - an image earned alongside Gordie and Sid Abel as part of “The Production Line” - the greatest Red Wing Offensive Line of all time. But underneath that facade was a man with a heart of gold.

Case in point: Ted donated and raised millions for research into, and the treatment of kids with Autism. And not a year went by that Ted didn’t contribute and appear on my Salvation Army Radiothon broadcasts.

In short, Ted was a Hero both on and off the ice.

I am so grateful for our friendship and like to think that he is up in Heaven with Gordie and Sid, Ernie and Lulu.

My thoughts and prayers are with both the Lindsay and Harwell families.

-Dick

Nuclear disarmament talks between Prez. Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un broke down in Hanoi yesterday with Trump saying “Sometimes you have to walk away”.

- Or in Mr. Un’s case, “waddle away”.

*****

Dennis Rodman - who considers Kim Jong Un his BFF - predicts that President Trump will soon win the Nobel Peace Prize.

- You can hear more predictions from Dennis during his upcoming appearance on “Say Yes To The Dress”.

*****

Walmart announced it’s doing away with “Greeters” and will hire “Customer Hosts” instead… who will have to climb ladders, be able to lift 25 pounds and stand for long periods of time.

- I had a job like that once… it was called “Bag Boy”.

*****

Lady Gaga says her “intimate moment” with Bradley Cooper at the Oscars was “all for show” and no different than the hug she gave 92 year old Tony Bennett when they performed a duet.

- Duh! We all knew it was an act with Tony… because obviously he “Left His Heart in San Francisco”!

*****

A man in Denmark suffered with an unexplained stuffy nose until, after much digging, he finally figured out he had a tooth growing inside his nostril.

- So it must have been a Wisdom tooth.

*****

Michael Jackson’s "Neverland" ranch is back on the market for  $31 million. That’s 70% off the original asking price of $100 million.

- Like Michaels nose, the price just keeps getting smaller. 

*****

AOC who has called for Americans to stop eating hamburgers to help save the planet was photographed having lunch with her Chief of Staff who was eating… GASP… a hamburger!!!

- If her staff keeps this up, the world’s gonna end in ELEVEN years instead of TWELVE!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Majority stock holder Oprah Winfrey lost $39 Million when Weight Watchers stock took a dive.

- On the bright side, Oprah says she’s down 10 pounds. Of course it’s all Wallet Weight.

*****

Jeff Bezos girlfriend Lauren Sanchez has cut off contact with her brother after he leaked her “Sexts” with Bezos.

- The only one we know Sanchez in definitely NOT gonna "cut off” is Jeff “$140 Billion” Bezos.

*****

This month we’ve had the”Polar Vortex” and a “Bomb Cyclone”. Or as it used to be known… “WINTER”.

*****

Tech experts say Google’s Alexa may be programmed to listen in to home owners and turn them in if they’re overheard talking about anything the government doesn’t like.

- There’s a name for this kind of thing: It’s called “Germany in the 1930’s”. Only then, Alexa was known as “Eva Braun”… and Hitler would ask her to “turn off the lights in the Bunker”.

*****

New England Patriots Owner Robert Kraft was formally charged with soliciting prostitution after Friday’s raid on a Florida Massage Parlor.

- Kraft is one of the few owners to have a Super Bowl ring AND a prostitution ring.

*****

Some on Social Media are upset about Glenn Close NOT winning the Academy Award for Best Actress for her performance in the movie “The Wife” - her 7th Oscar loss.

- Voters said her performance was almost as good as the winner’s, but it was a case of “Close… but no cigar”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Officials at Cedar Point have changed their minds and now say park-goers can carry their cell phones on the new “Steel Vengeance” roller coaster.

- Which makes it easier to call for help when you get stuck upside for 2 and a half hours.

*****

Someone snapped a pic of Kim Jong Un taking a smoke break while waiting for President Trump to arrive for their Summit in Hanoi.

- He looks like the North Korean version of James Bond… Except for the cool, good looking part.

*****

According to new research, the average Smartphone has 7 times more germs than a toilet seat.

- Which is why I always lay strips of toilet paper on my Flip Phone before I make a call.

*****

Smartmouth Brewing Company is offering a new beer made with marshmallows called “Saturday Morning” that’s designed to taste like Lucky Charms.

- It’s on the shelf right next to the one for people who want to become regular beer drinkers that’s made with Fiber One.

*****

29 year old Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez posted an Instagram video of herself cooking dinner and suggesting that people shouldn’t have kids because of Global Warming.

- This is what happens when you decide to lecture people while you’re standing too close to the microwave.

*****

Lady Gaga and Madonna hugged each other at an Academy Awards party leading people to speculate that their years-old feud is over. 

- Can Peace in the Middle East be far behind??

I watched the Oscar’s Sunday night.

- I miss the old days when I actually recognized the people sitting in the front row.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Jussie Smollett turned himself in to Chicago Police early this morning and is being charged with “Filing a False Police Report” about his now infamous Hate Crime Hoax. It’s a FELONY and he could be facing YEARS in PRISON. Police say he did it because he “wanted to make more money” on his TV show “Empire” because he’s such a “great actor”.

- Well, seeing as he GOT CAUGHT, I guess he’s NOT that great of an actor, huh?

*****

This week marks the 38th anniversary of George Harrison being ordered to pay $587,000 for “Subconscious Plagiarism” by a court which decided that his song “My Sweet Lord” sounded like the Chiffons “He’s So Fine”. 

- I must be guilty of “Subconscious Stupidism” because I’ve listened to them both a hundred times and I just don’t hear it.

*****

A new report says that your phone and TV are tracking you, and political campaigns are listening in.

- It’s true! The other night I turned on “Dances With Wolves” and 5 minutes later I got a call from Elizabeth Warren.

*****

Harvey Weinstein has reportedly “come out of hiding”.

- His friends say we can expect him to be popping up everywhere.

*****

KFC in Singapore is offering the new “Zinger Fillet” - an Original Recipe Chicken fillet sandwiched between deep-fried Mac ‘n Cheese moulded into the shape of buns.

- If you’re looking to increase your cholesterol… this should be on your Bucket List.

*****

TOMORROW’S THE DAY!!! The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon gets underway Friday morning! The entire event broadcast LIVE on 760 AM WJR from the lobby of One Campus Martius downtown starting at 6am.. I’ll be behind the mic from 2 to 4pm and 6 to 8pm along with Big Al, Jackie, Joe Noune and more of your Purtan’s People favorites. And it’s all to raise money to feed and shelter tens of thousands of Metro Detroiters EVERYDAY… 365 DAYS A YEAR! We encourage you to tune in or stop by… but most importantly, call in a Donation. You can even Donate RIGHT NOW by calling toll-free 833-725-4673. Any amount you can give will be so greatly appreciated and will have an immediate impact on our less fortunate neighbors. I was out on one of the Bread & Bread Trucks Tuesday and once again saw first hand the gratitude on the faces of those who were able to eat that day because of this amazing program. I’ll tell you more about it during the broadcast tomorrow! Did I mention you can Donate even NOW by calling 833-725-4673???

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday… Radiothon Day!

-Dick

Scientists estimate that this month's super-moon will be the biggest and brightest of the entire year.

- The last time this happened Michael Moore was standing outside and dropped his pants.

*****

The Fencing Federation in France now recognizes “Lightsaber Dueling” (as in Star Wars) as a Competitive Sport - that could eventually make it to the Olympics.

- Awesome! A whole new “weapon” for the French to lay down when they surrender.

- What’s next? Yoda for President??

*****

Some Democrat lawmakers in Oregon are trying to lower the voting age from 18 to 16 so “teens can have a say in their future”.

- I’m not sure kids who pick their Class President based on “Hot Dogs & Pizza for EVERYONE” in the High School Cafeteria should help decide America’s future.

*****

Singapore Airlines has been called out for having “secret cameras” embedded in passenger seats.

- Maybe they have the cameras to make sure you “stay seated until the Captain turns the seatbelt sign off”.

- If they want more exciting video they’d install cameras in the bathrooms during the “Mile High Club” Membership Drive.

*****

The Baltimore Fire Department has figured out what caused a fire inside a parking lot Port-a-Potty outside a stadium yesterday.

- Turns out the Port-a-Potty Fire was caused by a Gas Explosion!!!!

*****

The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Radiothon raising funds to feed and shelter thousands of needy Metro-Detroiters gets underway THIS FRIDAY!! As you know, the Bed & Bread Program is near and dear to my heart and is an absolutely VITAL program serving the less fortunate in our own backyard! The Radiothon will be broadcast from 6am to 8pm on WJR 760 AM - LIVE from the lobby of One Campus Martius in Downtown Detroit. Jackie, Big Al and I will host two time slots: 2 to 4pm and 6 to 8pm. We’d love you to tune in - but more importantly DONATE to this extremely worthy cause! Busy Friday? You can even call in your pledge RIGHT NOW by calling toll-free 1-833-725-4673! As they say… “Operators are standing by!” Thanks in advance and I’ll “see” you Friday!!!

-Dick

Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner was released from prison early and is now part of a court ordered “Re-Entry” program.

- He’s already signed a Pop-Up Book deal.

*****

Alec Baldwin says he’s fearing for his safety now that Trump has declared SNL an enemy of the people.

- Which is incredibly ironic because usually it’s everyone around Alec Baldwin who’s fearing for THEIR safety.

*****

According to police sources, new evidence suggests that Empire actor Jussie Smollet did indeed hire actors to orchestrate the “attack” against him.

- It’s all part of Smollett’s MFAGA movement… “Make False Accusations Great Again!”

- The cops want to question him about the new evidence… but he’s refused. It’s been 3 weeks now. Will this scam ever end???

*****

President Obama's 20-year-old daughter Malia has a secret social media account where she posted “Donald Trump is Evil.”

- I’m betting she'll change her mind when she turns 27 and has to start paying for Obamacare.

*****

Dolly Parton finally denied long-standing rumors that her lifelong friend Judy is actually her secret lover despite being married to her husband for 53 years.

- Well I’m glad she finally got THAT off her chest.

*****

DON’T FORGET! The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Program is this Friday, Feb 22! The big event will be broadcast LIVE on 760 AM WJR from 6am to 8pm - with Jackie, Big Al and I manning the mics from 2 to 4pm and again from 6 to 8pm. The B&B Radiothon is THE fundraiser for this vital program that feeds and shelters thousands of men, women and children in our area 365 days a year! You can even donate RIGHT NOW by calling 833-725-4673 toll free! Thanks in advance for listening… and more importantly… DONATING! I’ll be out on one of the Bed & Bread trucks serving meals all day today!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Presidents Day! The day we celebrate the Birthdays of three great Presidents: Lincoln, Washington & Belvedere.

*****

An ORANGE Alligator was spotted sunning himself on the bank of a river in South Carolina.

- He’s obviously a fan of Donald Trump… or eats too many Cheetos.

*****

77 year old Bernie Sanders has recorded a 2020 presidential announcement video but it hasn’t been released yet.

- He’s still driving around trying to find a Blockbuster store to give it to.

*****

Washington Police are looking for a man who robbed a convenience store in a giraffe costume.

- Police say the man goes by the name “Geoffrey”.

*****

Jose Cuervo is operating an ALL YOU CAN DRINK TEQUILA TRAIN in Mexico.

- This gives a whole new meaning to a train “Chugging Along”.

*****

Vladimir Putin was reportedly knocked down during a judo match with a Female Russian Olympian.

- Her funeral will be held later this week.

- The Beatles predicted this in their song “Vlad On His Back In the USSR”.

*****

REMINDER: The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon that raises money to feed many thousands of Metro-Detroiters each year - takes place this Friday, Feb. 22. It will be broadcast LIVE from 6am to 8pm on 760 AM WJR. Jackie, Big Al and I will be hosting between 2 and 4pm and then again from 6 to 8pm! Hope you’ll tune in!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Bill Cosby’s lawyer says Cosby’s wife Camille hasn’t visited him in jail, but has managed to convince him to give up something he’s been trying to give up for over 50 years: Coffee.

- Too bad she didn’t convince him to give up the “special drink” he gave his “dates”.

*****

Dozens of people from around the world are taking part in an international hair-freezing competition in Canada to see who can make the coolest hairstyle when their locks freeze solid in 5 degree weather.

- Their slogan is “Gee Your Hair Looks Horrific”.

*****

Not “in the mood” this Valentine’s Day? A TV “sex therapist” says “Post-Trump Sex Disorder” is causing people to feel “fear, loathing, and nausea” and not want to have sex.

- And that’s just Melania.

- Apparently she didn’t like the poem Donald wrote her:

“Roses are Red, Candy is sweet…

I didn’t buy you flowers… I sent you a Tweet!”

*****

Vegan activists in Britain will be allowed to stage 'last rites' ceremonies with cows headed to slaughter to tell them, "We love you, we are sorry".

- They even wrote the cows a Valentine poem: “Roses are Red, Violents are Blue… We apologize for killing you!”

*****

A Canadian man whose real last name “Assman,” was deemed “unacceptable” for a personalized license plate, emblazoned the word on the back of his truck instead.

- I wonder if Kim Kardashian’s husband Kanye West has ever run into this problem.

*****

It’s the 90th Anniversary of Al Capones’ “Valentines Day Massacre”.

- 90 years already? Wow! Time flies when you’re having fun!

- With the amount of shootings they have in Chicago isn’t EVERY DAY “Massacre Day”?

*****

The British Government says research shows the Nation’s average bra size has gone from 32B to 36DD in just six years.

- I wonder what Government Boobs were in charge of collecting this Vitally Important bra-measuring info?

- As Winston Churchill once said, “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Michigan farmer discovered this “Ice Apple” hanging in his orchard this morning.

- No punchline… Just thought it was a cool picture!!

*****

This Valentine’s Day Hooters is offering free boneless chicken wings to single people who bring in a picture of their ex.

- Chicken Wings? Wouldn’t Chicken BREASTS be more appropriate??

*****

A newly released year-old video shows convicted Mexican drug lord El Chapo crying like a baby when he found out he would be tried in the U.S.

- It’s nothin compared to how he’s gonna cry during the “Spring Fling” at the Federal Prison.

*****

A study in the JAMA Journal of Medicine found that eating “ultra-processed foods” like cookies will accelerate your risk of early death.

- On the bright side, if you eat “Thin Mints” you’ll look terrific at your funeral.

*****

A group of Houston teenagers discovered a TIGER inside a vacant house after they went inside to smoke some weed. 

- Fortunately, they got out of the house before the Tiger got the munchies.

*****

Amazon has released a documentary that claims to have discovered proof that the Noah’s Ark story in the Bible is true. 

- If you order it, just like Noah’s Ark, the film comes with Two DVDs and Two Videotapes.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Chimpanzees used tree branches as a ladder to escape from a zoo in Ireland - the 2nd escape by Chimps in two weeks.

- When he heard the news the Zookeeper said, “Seriously? Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”

*****

Martha Stewart posted pics of her newly organized bathroom on Instagram - including one that features a box labeled “Enema Kits”.

- Well, as Martha always says… being regular is “A Good Thing”.

*****

Farmers looking to breed their livestock can now use a new Dating App for cows called “Tudder”.

- This is great for cows who are tired of the whole “Meat Market” bar scene.

- “Tudder” is a great alternative for cows who haven’t had any luck on eHarMooNee.com.

*****

Two times as many people attended Prez Trumps rally in Texas last night than went to Dem. hopeful Beto O’Rorke’s event at the same time, leading Trump to say, “My rally is bigger than yours!”

- So apparently size DOES matter.

*****

Queen Elizabeth was spotted at a train station in England - about to hop a public train back to London.

- Proving once again that she may be a Royal, but she sits on the throne just like the rest of us.

*****

Democratic political insiders say that Joe Biden may be a weaker candidate than Hillary - but at 76 years old they believe he’s still the frontrunner for the Presidential Nomination.

- Wait a minute… isn’t this the same party that keeps complaining about “Old White Men” running everything??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

29 year old Democrat Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is being mocked online for her “Green New Deal,” which aims to ELIMINATE AIR TRAVEL, REBUILD EVERY BUILDING IN AMERICA , and GIVE A YEARLY SALARY TO PEOPLE UNWILLING TO WORK.

…And they all lived Happily Ever After! THE END.

- And you thought Disneyworld was the Happiest Place on Earth.

*****

The anonymous source who leaked intimate texts between Jeff Bezos and his mistress to the National Enquirer was none other than her pro-Trump brother Michael.

- It wouldn’t be the first time a younger brother ratted out his big sister.

*****

Meanwhile Bezos says  he was being blackmailed by The Enquirer who threatened to publish a "below-the-belt selfie” he took -- unless he dropped his investigation of the tabloid.

- Those who have seen the pic say it’s one Amazon package that doesn’t deliver.

*****

IHOP unveiled it’s new half pancake-half pizza this weekend called the “Pankeeta”.

- Hey… Who doesn’t like Syrup on their Pizza??

*****

Last night’s Grammy’s opened with a 10 minute musical tribute to Dolly Parton.

- She was the first performer in history to bring 2 Golden Globes onstage at the Grammys.

*****

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi mingled with celebrities at a pre-Grammy party last night in LA.

- You couldn’t miss her, she was the only Grammy at the Grammys.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick