A British retailer is selling a new “Women’s Thong Bodysuit” - that has the thong part IN THE FRONT. 

- Personally I think they’ve got this whole thing ass-backwards. 

*****

A court will decide whether a dress code that requires the bottom one-half of the “anal cleft” to be covered violates the Civil Rights of a bunch of Bikini-Clad Baristas who work at the “Hillbilly Hotties” coffee chain.

- Anal Cleft? Huh?

- Let me repeat… I think they’ve got this whole thing ass-backwards.

*****

A Tweet by Nancy Pelosi’s daughter indicates that her mom’s applause at Trump’s State of the Union was “Sarcastic”: Christine Pelosi said it reminded her of the look her mom used to give her when she was growing up that meant: "She knows. And she knows that you know. And frankly she’s disappointed that you thought this would work. But here’s a clap.”

- Huh?

- Looks like this was both a Clap and a Slap at her mom.

- I thought Nancy was just trying to “Clap Off” the lights in the chamber during Trump’s speech. (Remember the TV Commercial? “Clap On! Clap Off! The Clapper!”)

*****

A Florida woman is facing a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting her boyfriend in the face with a frozen pork chop last weekend.

- He went to the hospital with a Blackened Rib Eye.

*****

A video has resufaced of Joy Behar admiting on The View in 2016 to dressing as a “beautiful African women” at a Halloween party and wearing make up “that was a little bit darker than my skin”.

- Apparently including the word “Beautiful” in her description means she doesn’t have to apologize or resign.

*****

Honeybees can learn to add and subtract, according to research showing that while the insects have tiny brains, they are still smart.

- You know… Kind of like the Kardashians… Only without the “Smart” part!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Elizabeth Warren has apologized for the second time in a week after a State Bar of Texas registration card from 1986 emerged on which she hand-wrote her race as “American Indian”.

- Warren said “I don’t remember filling out that card. Honest Injun!”

*****

This weekend the Boy Scouts of America made history by establishing its first all-girl troop. 

- FYI: There’s already a name for an all-girl Boy Scout Troop. I believe it’s called “The Girl Scouts”. 

*****

Tired of chicken and beef? Chefs are trying to diversify their menus by using SQUIRREL MEAN in pancakes, casseroles and even lasagna.

- I’ve always loved my pancakes with nuts… preferably after the squirrel has spit them out. 

*****

The latest Health Fad??? It’s Breathing!!! According to “experts” we’ve been doing it all wrong all along and need to be taught how to do it right.  

- Call me crazy but I didn’t realize that “breathing” was a “fad”.  

*****

A lock of George Washington’s hair sold for $35,000 at an auction.

- Meanwhile a lock of President Trump’s hair was swept up off the floor by his Barber at Super Cuts.

*****

Charlie Sheen has cut $1.5 million from the price of his Beverly Hills bachelor pad. 

- This is what happens when you describe the Master Bedroom as “Previously Enjoyed”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Washington DC is all atwitter about Trump’s State of the Union Address tonight.

- And by all atwitter I mean all a “TWITTER”.

*****

His address will be followed by the Democrat response which will be given by Georgia’s Stacey Abrams.

- Chuck and Nancy were going to give the rebuttal again… but after the publics reaction last time, they decided against it.

- Too bad. I was really looking forward to seeing the “Two Angry Farmers” again.

*****

In a new Podcast called “Crimetown”… Kwame Kilpatrick says he can’t believe he got sent to prison for lying about his affair with Christine Beatty.

- Memo to Kwame: That’s NOT why you got sent to the slammer.

*****

A new employment survey found that 32% of Millennials admit to working while they’re in the bathroom.

- That’s not what teenage boys did in the bathroom when I was growing up!

*****

Women’s brains are nearly four years younger than men’s according to scans by US researchers.

- Upon hearing this women replied, “Tell us something we don’t already know”.

*****

After months of rumors, it’s been confirmed that for the first time in 30 years the Academy Awards will not have a single host - but will have 13 different “presenters” instead.

- Here’s an idea… Why not make everyone happy and have Meryl Streep host and present the awards in 13 different accents?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Patriots beat the Rams 13 to 3 last night with Tom Brady earning his record-breaking 6TH Super Bowl Ring in a game that many are calling a real snoozer.

- Unlike the Saints/Rams game where the only ones sleeping were the Refs.

*****

Some on Social Media are angry that Halftime performer Adam Levine of “Maroon 5” got away with taking his shirt off - but Janet Jackson got in trouble for “Nipplegate” with Justin Timberlake.

- Is it just me or are they comparing Apples and Oranges here?? Pastie covered ones at that. Some people always find SOMETHING to complain about.

*****

Speaking of which… Hyundai had to apologize on Social Media for their Super Bowl ad which equated attending a Vegan dinner party with having a root canal - which PETA called “Vegan Shaming”.

- I’ll be honest. If you invite ME over and serve a “BEETLOAF” - I’m going to shame you.

*****

Virginia Governor Ralph Nordham took back his apology for appearing in a Medical School yearbook photo in blackface - now claiming it was wasn’t him. But he admits to wearing blackface in the ‘80’s as part of a Micheal Jackson costume.

- That’s offensive! Everyone knows Michael Jackson’s face wasn’t really black.

*****

A study by Ticketmaster found that NFL fans spend 46 hours a month thinking about their team.

- Except Lions fans who spend 46 hours a month binge-watching “The Biggest Loser”.

*****

A 27 year old man - who says he is an “Anti-Natalist” is planning to sue his parents for giving birth to him 'without his consent'.

- His parents admitted was “unplanned”, but when Push comes to Shove what are ya gonna do?.

- His mom is now counter-suing him for the birth calling it “Unlawful Breaking and Exiting”.

*****

President Trump told CBS that he doesn’t want his son Barron to play football because of the risk of dangerous head injuries.

- Instead, he wants Barron to participate in a Safer sport… like having a Pi==ing contest with Nancy Pelosi.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

BRRRRRR… How cold is it???

It’s so cold the Kardashian sisters are wearing Underwear.

*****

According to a new law in Iran it’s now illegal to walk your dog in public or take it for a ride in the car.

- Apparently the dogs barking was covering up all the “Death to America” chants by the Ayatollahs.

- Let me get this straight… You can’t dress your Dog in a Burka (or is that a Barka??) and go outside anymore?

*****

Jeff Bezos’ is trying to find out how the racy text messages he sent to his girlfriend ended up in The National Enquirer. He’s convinced the leak was “politically motivated”.

- I’m thinking the leak came from his girlfriend and was motivated by “Something in His Pants”. (Like $140 Billion for starters).

*****

KFC is test marketing a new Fried Chicken & Cheetos Sandwich with a special Cheetos flavored Cheese Sauce.

- I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to mess up my diet by adding Cheetos to a perfectly healthy Fried Chicken Sandwich.

*****

A Democrat porn star is ending her long shot 2020 bid to “Make America F---ing Awesome Again” after her campaign failed to get off the ground.

- Because she failed to get out of bed to promote it.

- Her slogan “Hope & Change-for-a-Twenty You Can Believe In” just didn’t catch on.

*****

50 percent of Americans say they get in fights while playing Monopoly… compared with only 18 percent of people who play Scrabble.

- There’s a word for people who fight during Scrabble, but I can’t give it to you because I’m all out of vowels.

- Speaking of “Community Chest”… Madonna is said to be a big fan of Monopoly.

*****

In an effort to provide more fertilizer for State run farms, Kim Jong Un has ordered each resident of North Korea to hand over 3 tons of “human waste” each month.

- I say Lil Kim should have to go first. He looks like he’s carrying around 3 tons of something.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Due to today’s wind chills there are a lot of local closings. Among them:

Bob’s Boob & Lube Bar and Topless Oil Change is shut down due to a frozen dip stick.

Our Lady of Perpetual Procrastination has postponed all classes until Thursday. Or maybe Friday.

*****

Tyson is recalling 35,000 pounds of Chicken Nuggets because they contain pieces of rubber.

- The recall only applies to Frozen Nuggets. Then again, with this weather… everybody’s Nuggets are Frozen.

*****

An old video of a shirtless Bernie Sanders drunkenly singing with a group of Soviets during his honeymoon in the USSR has been leaked on the internet.

- And by “leaked” they mean Hillary released it.

*****

Turns out that when you call someone using “FaceTime” on your iPhone, you can LISTEN IN on them… EVEN IF THEY DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE.

- At this point the only people NOT listening to anything you say are your kids.

*****

A study found that 7 out of 10 children spend more time online than they do with friends.

- Read all about it in the book “Charlotte’s Website”.

*****

PRO - a magazine for Port-a-Potty businesses says those who operate the “Johnny-on-the-Spots” can suffer from low self-esteem and anxiety.

- Experts recommend deep breathing. But not until they leave work.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

26 year old Rapper Cardi B has offered to give the Democrat Rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union Address.

- This girl obviously has a Graduate Degree from the School of EGO-nomics.

*****

A three year old boy who was missing in the woods for two days says a “friendly bear” kept him safe by keeping him company while he slept.

- The boy said the Bear wasn’t Too Hard or Too Soft… He was Just Right!

- This story gives me the Warm Fozzies.

*****

A gay male couple has welcomed a set of twins who have the same mother but two different dads, after both men were able to fertilize a surrogate woman’s embryo during artificial insemination. Bottom line: The Twins are actually half-siblings.

- This kind of makes the whole Bruce/Kaitlyn Jenner thing seem like a walk in the park doesn’t it?

*****

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz sez he’s running for President as an Independent because both parties have shown no concern for the national debt.

- Nobody knows more about the national debt than the man who charges six bucks for a cup of coffee.

*****

A Florida Taco Bell was shut down after a customer walked in with a World War II grenade he’d found while out fishing.

- Usually the explosion comes after the customers have actually EATEN at Taco Bell.

*****

A Connecticut driver was arrested for driving while under the influence of VANILLA EXTRACT.

- He was charged with “Baking & Entering”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Trump says he’ll postpone his State of the Union Address until the Government Shutdown is resolved after Nancy Pelosi vowed to block his speech in front of Congress which is actually within her power.

- These two are like your crazy and Aunt and Uncle who can’t stand each other but keep showing up to wreck your Thanksgiving Dinner.

*****

According to insiders - the ongoing feud between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift has come to end.

- Finally! Our long National nightmare is over.

*****

Nathan Phillips, the American Indian who lied about serving in Vietnam and falsely accused the group of Covington Catholic High School boys of racially bullying him told NBC that he “forgives” the boys.

- “FORGIVES THEM”??? FOR WHAT???

- Can’t wait to hear what Elizabeth Warren has to say about her fellow Tribal Elder.

*****

Some bizarre and embarrassing interviews have some people thinking that President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani may be drinking before going on TV.

- Well wouldn’t you??

*****

Pete Buttigieg, the Mayor of South Bend, Indiana says he’s running for President in the hopes of becoming the first openly gay Commander in Chief.

- No word on who would be in his Cabinet” but he said it will be filled with all the ingredients you need for a Brunch that’s “To Die For!”

*****

A company is selling boxes of pre-used tissues that contain contain cold and flu germs that will allegedly build up your immune system and keep you from getting sick. The cost? $80 a box.

- 80 bucks is nothing to sneeze at.

*****

Chelsea Clinton revealed that she’s pregnant with her third child.

- Bill and Hillary are thrilled! He’s already handing out cigars and she already got the baby it’s own email server!

*****

Alec Baldwin has to pay $120 and attend ONE anger management session after pleading guilty to punching an NYC man over a parking space.

- Sending Alec to ONE anger management class is like sending Michael Moore to one Weight Watchers meeting.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The officials who blew the call Sunday allowing the Rams to beat the Saints were moved to a different hotel because of threats against them.

- The refs said they didn’t see what all the fuss was about. Then again, there’s a LOT of stuff they don’t see.

*****

A Pennsylvania woman is under arrest after she stole a baby kangaroo from a petting zoo, stuffed it into her Honda and told cops she wanted to take it to Florida.

- The Kangaroo said, “Why the car? Why not just Hop a flight?”

*****

The rocket company headed by Jeff Bezos will launch its unmanned rocket into outer space today.

- Let’s see… Bezos is having an affair that’s gonna cost him 70 BILLION DOLLARS… I’m thinking he’s already IN outer space.

*****

Boeing says it has successfully completed the first test flight of a prototype for its “Driverless Passenger Air Taxi” which could start carrying riders as early as next year.

- And to make it realistic it comes with that delightful “Taxi Cab Smell”.

*****

More and more Millennials are opting out of having a Primary Care Doc and using Urgent Care instead because they don’t want wait for an appointment.

- Wait’ll they find out they have to wait nine whole months to get a baby.

*****

Theater-goers in Paris stripped naked for a performance of a new play called “Nude & Approved”.

- Critics said this changes the old showbiz expression from “There are No Small Parts… Only Small Actors”, to “There are not only Small Actors… There are Plenty of Small Parts!”

- If you’re headed to Paris, look for their upcoming production of “Back Side Story”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Sports Illustrated announced that they will not publish the annual February Swimsuit edition until May. 

- This is why I belong to the “Fur-Lined Bathing Suit of the Month Club” to go along with my Fur-Lined Underpants.

*****

Turns out that an Ancient Stone Circle authenticated as being 3500 to 4500 years old by the Scottish Archeological Society was actually built by a local farmer in the 1990’s. But that didn’t stop a spokesperson from saying, ‘It’s obviously disappointing to learn of this development, but it also adds an interesting element to its story.”

- This guy can spin the news better than Trump and Pelosi.

*****

Meanwhile… The city of Montreal has cancelled it’s annual “Winter Festival” because it’s “too cold and snowy”.

- Will “Global Warming” never end?? 

*****

California Senator Kamala Harris announced that she’s making a run for the White House in 2020.

- 2,020 also happens to be the number of Democrats who have announced they’re running against Trump.

*****

A study by Mattress Firm found that Americans have 99 terrible nights of sleep each year.

- Only 99 bad nights of sleep a year?? In my Dreams! I get 99 bad nights of sleep every 99 nights!

*****

Pope Francis has launched a Free app called “Click to Pray” that allows the world’s 1.3 billion Roman Catholics to join him in prayer.

- So now you can use your Smartphone to post racy naked selfies on Instagram first… and then pray for forgiveness with the Pope later.

*****

29 year old Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says it’s “Immoral that Billionaires are allowed to exist” and that “the world will, like, end in 12 years” because of Climate Change.

- Just what this country needs! A socialist who talks like a Valley Girl.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day… and BABY… IT’S COLD OUTSIDE!!!

- Days like this are the reason I belong to the “Fur-Lined Underpants of the Month Club”!!!

*****

President Trump addressed the nation on Saturday and offered to end the shutdown by making a deal with the Democrats. But Nancy Pelosi said his offer is not gonna fly with her party.

- And if anybody knows about “not flying” it’s Nancy Pelosi.

*****

Tom Brady was so excited about heading to his ninth Super Bowl after Sunday’s epic 37-31 overtime win against the Kansas City Chiefs he dropped the F-bomb on live TV… saying he feels “Un-F—ing-believable”.

- What would REALLY be “Un-F-ing-believeable” would be the LIONS making it to the Super Bowl.

*****

97 year old Prince Phillip was pulled over by London Police for not wearing a seatbelt just 48 hours after he crashed his Land Rover into another vehicle.

- At His age, the Prince should be wearing a seatbelt even when he’s sittin’ on the Throne!

*****

The world’s oldest man has died at his home in northern Japan at the age of 113.

- Is it just me or does it seem like people named the “World’s Oldest Person” always end up dead a week later??

- See kids… This is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself.

*****

An archeologist in Egypt says he’s on the verge of discovering the tomb where Antony & Cleopatra were buried after their joint suicides.

- Aren’t you supposed to actually FIND the thing you're looking for before you make the announcement? I’d say he’s doing this Asp-Backwards.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A friend of Jeff Bezos' new girlfriend Lauren Sanchez says Mr. Amazon would be “stupid” to marry Sanchez… who’s been engaged four times, married once and cheated repeatedly.

- Sounds like Bezos traded the “Girl Next Door” for one who has “Been Around the Block”.

*****

A construction firm in Chicago is building an 800 foot high skyscraper made entirely of wood.

- The architects read a lot of books in preparation for the project. Unfortunately “The Three Little Pigs” wasn’t one of them.

*****

The wife of a furloughed Federal Worker won $100,000 in the Virginia lottery Saturday and says she plans to take her family to Disney World for a week.

- And if she thinks 100 grand is going get her a whole week in Disney World, she really IS living in Fantasyland.

*****

A tanker truck in Arizona overturned spilling 3500 gallons of melted chocolate onto the freeway.

- If only it had happened over the weekend they could have had a Hot Fudge Sunday on their hands.

*****

According to a new book, Eva Braun never had sex with HItler because she suffered from a rare gynecological condition that would have made it extremely painful.

- Maybe that’s why he was so mean.

*****

25 year old Rapper Cardi B made headlines by Tweeting a profanity-laced message that says the Government shutdown “scares her”.

- It “scares me” that a tweet by a 25 year old rapper is considered “news”.

*****

Students at THE Ohio State University can now get pizzas with just the touch of a button thanks to a new high-tech pizza ATM.

- It’s perfect for Buckeye Football players who get hungry waiting for the girl they hired to finish their term papers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A new poll shows that a majority of football fans don’t think companies should use their ads to make a political statement during the Super Bowl.

- They’d rather leave Politics to the experts… The players.

*****

Gillette, known for their disposable razors.. is facing a backlash for their new #MeToo movement commercial which challenges men to “Shave off” their “Toxic Masculinity”. 

- Whatever! I’ll continue using my “Stashtag”:  #UpperLipHairForever… Toxic or not.

- In the interest of fairness, shouldn’t WOMEN have to shave off their mustache’s too??

*****

Two female analysts on CNN slammed President Trump as “sexist” for telling a College Basketball team that he went out and bought them hamburgers because Melania would have “made them salads”.

- They call it “Sexist”. I call it “Salad Shaming”!

*****

A man on Social Media claims he “accidentally” proposed to his girlfriend and gave her an engagement ring after taking a super-sized dose of the sleep medicine Ambien.

- Sounds like he wanted to make sure he married the girl of his dreams.

*****

CNN legal analyst Areva Martin called out Fox News contributor David Webb for his “white privilege” during a radio interview with him on Tuesday. She was a tad embarrassed when he explained to her that he’s Black.

- Coming Soon! The TV series: “Black is the New White”.

*****

Nancy Pelosi has asked Prez Trump to reschedule his State of the Union address — or submit it in writing — as long as the government remains shut down.

- Nancy and Chuck would have been a lot better off if they’d submitted THEIR TRUMP OVAL OFFICE REBUTTAL SPEECH IN WRITING.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Turns out Jeff Bezos girlfriend Lauren Sanchez is the one who tipped off the media about their affair by telling her friends that she was dating “The Richest Man in the World”.

- Do you think there’s a chance she’s just dating him for his MONEY??? Nah.

*****

Ford unveiled it’s most powerful Mustang ever (700 Horsepower!) at the Detroit Auto Show yesterday.

- No price was given but I’m betting you can go from Zero to Bankrupt in under 5 seconds.

*****

In Medical News… a pair of studies found that less than 6 hours of sleep a night increases the risk of heart disease, but moving around for 30 minutes a day, instead of sitting, can add years to your life.

- So basically if you lay awake all night thinking about exercising the next day, you’ll break even.

*****

Sources say President Obama will not endorse his 76 year old former Vice President Joe Biden for the Presidency.

- It’s part of Obama’s new “Change You Can’t Believe In” policy.

*****

After a 13 year break, “The Who” - who are in their 70’s - announced plans for a new album and a live tour.

- They’ll start the show by wandering around on stage asking each other: “Who Are You?”

- The first song on the new album is entitled: “Pinball Thanks-To-My-Prostate-I-Can’t-Whizard”.

*****

RIP… Carol Channing - best known for playing the title role in Broadway’s “Hello Dolly” has died of natural causes at the age of 97.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A survey by Ancestry.com found that 33% of Americans can’t name all 4 of their Grandparents.

- However most Millennials say they came name “All 3” of their Parents.

*****

Dozens of top Democrat Congress members are taking heat for flying to Puerto Rico to party with lobbyists 3 weeks into the Government Shutdown.

- To be fair… When Chuck and Nancy were on TV giving their rebuttal to Trump last week, they looked like they could USE a vacation. Or at least a LAXATIVE.

*****

Prez Trump has a new name for Amazon Adulterer Jeff Bezos… who owns the anti-Trump “Washington Post”… tweeting how sorry he is for “Jeff BOZO” and his impending divorce.

- Whoa Nelly!

*****

Kardashian sister Kylie Jenner has been dethroned as the “Most Liked” image on Instagram… by a picture of an Egg. Kylie has 17 million likes… the Egg got 28 Million.

- Proving once again that fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

*****

The first NFL Playoff game officiated by a Woman took place yesterday between the Patriots and the Chargers.

- Instead of Throwing a Flag on a play she “Tweeted the Penalty” with the Hashtag #illegaluseofhands.

*****

Thousands of people from New York City to Berlin donned socks, shoes and not much else for the annual “No Pants Subway Ride” over the weekend.

- Talk about Brave! Most people are afraid to sit on subway seats with their pants ON.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, the Richest Man in the World with a net worth of $140 Billion - is getting divorced after 25 years of marriage.

- Some divorces take years. Bezos will get his FREE in just two days… if he has Prime.

*****

Turns out Bezos announced that he was getting divorced because pictures of him and his GIRLFRIEND were about to surface.

- He found his girlfriend while looking at a pic of his wife on Amazon. It said “If you like THAT… You may also be interested in THIS!”

*****

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer are being roasted by both sides after their televised response to Prez Trumps Oval Office address on the Immigration issue.

- If you missed it, just remember your parents faces when you tried to sneak in the house after breaking curfew and crashing their car.

*****

A new study of 6.8 BILLION people around the world found that Men are the victims of discrimination more often than Women are.

- True or not, the big question is How did they interview 6.8 BILLION people??? Was it a telephone survey or did they go door to door??

*****

“Lonely George”, a Hawaiian tree snail who lived to the age of 14 and is the last known snail of his kind, has died.

- His grand-snails say he was a lot of fun and always encouraged them to come out of their shells.

- Fittingly, George the Snail died a slow death.

*****

Critics say the hottest gadget at the Consumers Electronic Show in Las Vegas - is an “intelligent toilet” with ambient mood lighting, Amazon Alexa voice controls and built-in surround sound speakers.

- I was okay with this until I got to the “surround sound speakers” part.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s official: Elizabeth Warren will run for President in 2020.

- She’s already got a campaign slogan: “Hopi and Change You Can Believe In”.

*****

Lady Gaga is standing by her statement that it’s hard for women to be taken seriously in the music industry.

- Ya think the fact that she wears Meat dresses has something to do with it??

*****

A study out of the University of Pennsylvania found that people’s moods tend to vary depending on how their cities professional sports teams are performing.

- Which explains why people around here are excited for the first 3/4 of the day… and then their mood tanks at the end.

*****

A Florida man says he “has no idea” how three syringe needles that police found in his buttocks during a strip search got there.

- In his defense, the man admits that even on a good day he doesn’t know his A** from a hole in the ground.

*****

Fidel Castro’s grandson “Tony” is taking heat for posting pics of his BMW and yacht on social media while the average citizen of Cuba makes $30 a month.

- I’m beginning to think this whole “Communism” thing doesn’t work.

*****

Authorites in Singapore became curious after they heard “Meowing” coming from the bulge in a mans pants and found four kittens he was attempting to smuggle into the country. 

-Thus the expression, “Is that a Cat in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” 

- This is the first time in history that Curiosity SAVED the cat. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A proposed 20-foot tall neon sign set to go up outside “Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N' Roll Steakhouse” will feature a giant guitar shaped like a woman's butt.

- Why spend all that money on a sign? Why not just tape up a pic of Kim Kardashian?

*****

At last night’s Golden Globe Awards, the announcers kept talking about how there were a lot of new faces in the crowd.

- But technically speaking, it’s Hollywood and EVERYONE there has a new face.

*****

One of the not-so-new faces last night was Carol Burnett who (Surprise!) won the “Carol Burnett TV Award”.

- Carol had one word for the other’s up for the award: “SOOOOORRRRRREEEEY!”

*****

Starting today, public buildings in New York are required to provide baby changing tables in both the Men’s and Women’s room.

- So now men can go through “The Change” too… but without the mood swings and hot flashes.

*****

Alabama and Clemson are set to square off in College Football’s National Championship game tonight.

- Each school makes about $10 million bucks for making it into the game. But, when you subtract what they’re paying the players, it comes out to….$10 million bucks.

*****

“Overweight” flight attendants and crew members on Pakistani Airlines have 6 months to lose their extra weight or they’ll lose their jobs.

- It’s nice to see an airline asking their employees to lose THEIR OWN excess baggage instead of ours for a change.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Researchers say that a woman who was reportedly the “The World’s Oldest Woman Ever”, who died at the age of 122 (and a half!!!) in 1997, was a fraud who assumed her deceased mother’s identity and was really only 99. 

- Either way, she’s the first woman in history to lie about her age… and make herself OLDER.

*****

Madonna is taking heat on Social Media after appearing on a New Years Eve show with what look like gigantic butt implants.

- Hear more about it in her new hit “Like a Kardashian”.

*****

A former lesbian from Seattle claims she fell in love with the anonymous sperm donor who fathered the two daughters she had with her ex-wife after tracking him down for 11 years on Facebook.

- Don’tcha just love an old-fashioned romance??

*****

Good News/Bad news story out of China… Sales of Apple iPhones are way down.

- The Good News? Sales of Almond Boneless Chicken are way up.

*****

The British Army is trying to entice young recruits with ads praising the “Me Me Me Millennials” for their “strong self- belief” and “Snowflakes” for their “compassion”.

- British Millennials said they be happy to serve as long as their Drill Sergeant and enemy troops are “Nice” to them.

*****

Breaking news… Rapper Drake has unfriended Kim Kardashian on Instagram. 

- And to think I had such high hopes for 2019 would be a good year!

*****

RIP… Daryl Dragon, the “Captain” of Captain and Tennille has died of renal failure at the age of 76 with his longtime partner Toni Tennille at his side.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

NBC is being slammed for it’s “train-wreck” New Year’s Eve coverage which featured co-host Chrissy Teigen talking about “Vaginal Steaming” but failed to show a countdown clock or the Ball Drop in Times Square.

- Here in Detroit we didn’t see the Ball Drop either… since the Lions WON over Green Bay… 31 - Zip!

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The Transportation Security Administration is planning on replacing pointy-ear dogs with floppy-ear ones as their security dogs, because people are less afraid of them.

- Call me crazy but aren’t we SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID of Security Dogs??

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As per usual, the number one Resolution this year was to “Eat healthier and lose weight”.

- But researchers say only 8% follow through with it, leaving the rest of us to eat our words... Along with a lot of potato chips.

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Patriots QB Tom Brady won’t receive any of the $5 Million in Performances Bonus’s built into his contract this year because he didn’t meet any of the goals he set for himself this season.

- He should do what I do: Set lower goals.

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Presidential Candidate Elizabeth Warren is being mocked on Social Media after going live on the Internet and awkwardly chugging a beer while taking questions from potential voters.

- To make matters worse, she drank the beer in the kitchen of her WigWam.

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United Airlines started the New Year with a tweet announcing that they’re bringing back an in-flight snack called the “Stroopwafel”.

- With the miniature size of airplane bathrooms, I thought the “Stroopwafel” was a euphemism for the “Mile High Club”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick