Wishing you and yours a Healthy, Happy & Peaceful New Year!
-Dick
A bittersweet Christmas for our family this year… Missing my Gail.
Here's hoping you had a very Merry Christmas!
And now… Let the countdown begin!
-Dick
The true meaning of Christmas is not under our trees, but in our hearts.
Merry Christmas… Wishing you a Blessed day!
-Dick
"And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you..."
From the Purtan family to you and yours...
Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Christmas Eve!
-Dick
Chinese scientists say they’re using a $100 Million brain scanning machine to “find the human soul”.
- Dr. Scholl’s foot scanner found my soul at the drugstore the other day… It was Size 10 and only cost me 20 bucks.
*****
If you’re too busy to make a big Christmas Dinner, try a can of “Christmas Tinner” - which features 9 layers of everything from Turkey and cranberry sauce to Brussel sprouts and pudding.
- Years from now… todays kids will be filled with nostalgia, fondly remembering those delicious, old fashioned Christmas dinners at Grandma’s house… all out of a can.
*****
Researchers at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada are trying to find out what makes Chickens happy.
- Well we know for sure it’s not Colonel Sanders.
*****
Christmas hasn’t even arrived yet, but retailers say customers who began shopping before Black Friday are already returning packages… at a rate of a million a day.
- Not counting the guy who steals the packages off my front porch. I’m pretty sure he keeps those.
*****
Holiday cookie bakers have taken to social media to scold Hershey’s for selling chocolate morsels and Hershey’s kisses with the iconic tip cut off.
- I just had a “Circumcised Chocolate Chip Cookie with Nuts” the other day. Yum!
- This is what happens when you hire a surgeon/rabbi to design your chocolate goodies.
*****
A Russian man who was set to participate in the world’s first head transplant CANCELED his surgery after falling in love with a girl.
- When he said he fell “Head over Heels” he really meant it.
*****
What does Santa give naughty girls for Christmas?
- A gift certificate to Kohls in her stocking.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
As a Holiday Bonus, President Trump signed an Executive Order giving all Government employees Christmas Eve off.
- Which is great news for the two members of his Cabinet who haven’t resigned yet.
*****
A study by North Carolina State University found that chimpanzees have cleaner beds than humans do.
- It’s a toss up as to whose beds see the most “Monkey Business”.
- Chimps buy their sheets at “Bed, Bath & Bananas”.
*****
Facebook reportedly gave big tech companies EVEN MORE "intrusive access" to the personal data of its 2.2. billion users including private messages, usernames and contacts.
- Things are getting so bad at Facebook Mark Zuckerberg “unfriended” himself.
*****
A man in China who reportedly made a habit of sniffing his dirty socks each day contracted a serious fungal lung infection.
- So there’s actually a MEDICAL reason why we all shouldn’t be sniffin’ our socks everyday! I guess the guys in Grosse Pointe were ahead of the curve on this one.
*****
A 24 year old California man has been dubbed “The Most Popular Sperm Donor in the World” - fathering 18 children in four years because of (according to him) his looks, his education, and the fact that he doesn't charge for his services.
- He doesn’t charge for his services? What a charitable guy! I guess This IS The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!
*****
Adult film star Stormy Daniels said she is “beyond excited and honored to share” that she will be featured in the next issue of Playboy.
- Something tells me this news isn’t the only thing Stormy will be “sharing”.
*****
What’s Santa’s favorite kind of potato chips?
- Kris Pringles
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Meghan Markle’s dad says his daughter has “ghosted” him and is asking the Queen of England to intervene.
- I’m thinking he stands a better shot of getting this worked out with Jerry Springer.
*****
A survey by Graphic Springs found that 19% of people would prefer Santa Claus to be gender neutral.
- What’s next?? Frosty the Snow-Person??
*****
A Florida lawyer claims to have uncovered Hugh Hefner’s private sex tapes and plans to use them in a civil case against Bill Cosby.
- Huh? Does this mean Bill Cosby had Hugh Hefner over for one of his “special drinks”??
- This explains why Cosby’s been using the hashtag #MeHugh in all of his prison correspondence.
*****
A California woman claims a Southwest Airlines agent forced her to leave her beloved pet fish at the airport last week.
- So instead of flying, the fish just swam to its destination.
- Hard to believe a company that packs you in like Sardines couldn’t make room for a tiny little fish.
*****
A pet parrot in England used his owners “Alexa” to order a kite, light bulbs, a tea kettle and some ice cream.
- Apparently Polly DIDN’T want a cracker.
*****
Harvey Weinstein’s name has been taken off of the New Jersey Hospital he founded.
- Big deal! Harvey never needed a Hospital to “play doctor” anyway.
*****
What does Santa call his toy workshop?
The Elves Oak Mall.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Lions Coach Matt Patricia dropped the F-bomb during a radio interview Sunday after the teams 14-13 loss to the Buffalo Bills.
- “Welcome to the Club!” said Lions fans everywhere.
*****
Caitlyn Jenner said that when it comes to Christmas presents, his ex-wife Kris Jenner is the best gift ever.
- Kris used to think of Bruce as a great gift too, but then he exchanged himself for Caitlyn.
*****
Speaking of Caitlyn Jenner… Miss Spain became the first openly transgender contestant to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant over the weekend.
- She didn’t win… but she did take the cake in the pageant’s “Secret Santa” competition.
*****
KFC has something new for sale this Christmas: For just $18.99 you can get a fire-starter log that smells just like the Colonel’s Original Recipe Fried Chicken.
- Nothing says “Christmas” like the scent of Fried Chicken wafting through the house while you’re opening your Hickory Farms Cheese Ball.
- Besides it’ll go great with the Coleslaw scented candles I got last year!
*****
A new survey found that 1 in 3 people have done something at an Office Holiday Party that they regret.
- Does Xeroxing your naked butt on the office copy machine still count like it used to??
*****
What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite Christmas song lyric?
- “Oh By Gosh, By Golly… It’s Time For Miss L. Toe and Holly!”
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
A new survey found that 67% of Americans sing Christmas tunes in the car and the most popular sing-a-long song is “Jingle Bell Rock”.
- But if a cop is coming up from behind you with his siren on, the most popular song to sing is “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
*****
Nancy Pelosi said her televised Oval Office meeting with Prez. Trump was like a “Tinkle contest with a skunk”.
- A “Tinkle” contest??? How genteel of her!
- But to be honest, I agree with Nancy... I saw the interview and it really Tinkled me off too.
*****
NBC announced that Kathy Lee Gifford is leaving the Today show after 11 years.
- One things for sure, whoever replaces her will have big wine glasses to fill.
*****
CNN talking heads said First Lady Melania Trump “whines” all the time and throws herself “pity parties”.
- As my Mother always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, say something mean about their wife”.
*****
A New Zealand study claims that James Bond is an alcoholic because of the amount of drinking he does in the movies.
- Turns out his real code name was Double O Seven And Seven.
*****
The Chinese Government is offering its citizens $86,000 to snitch on people who watch pornography.
- So now instead of asking for a raise at their factory jobs Kindergarten’s can make extra cash turning in their Dads.
*****
What does Santa Claus use instead of salt?
Mrs. Dasher.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
A judge ordered Stormy Daniels to cough up almost $300,000 to pay President Trump’s attorney fees in the defamation suit against him that was dismissed.
- Wow… It’s isn’t even Christmas and Stormy already got coal in her fish net stockings.
*****
William Shatner has angered some of his fans by taking to Twitter in defense of the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”… which they say is about a man pressuring a woman for sex.
- QUESTION: How can Shatner’s Star Trek fans be outraged about sex when they’ve never even had it???
*****
Instead of having the traditional “Host”, the upcoming Oscars may feature a lot of different actors and actresses taking part in the show.
- That way EVERYBODY in Hollywood gets a chance to bash Trump.
*****
One of the most popular gifts this year is the line of “Golden Girls Chia Pets”.
- They make great stocking stuffers - or in the case of Betty White - Knee High Stuffers.
*****
Some members of the “Caravan” of migrants are demanding 50 Grand a piece from the US Government to turn around and return to their home countries.
- This is like going to a wedding you weren’t invited to and demanding the bride and groom give you everything on their registry to get you leave.
- Thus Lady Liberty’s Motto: “Bring us your Huddled Masses yearning to Extort the US Taxpayers”.
*****
Which of Santa’s Reindeer has the cleanest bathtub?
- Comet!
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
102 year old Olivia De Havilland is asking the US Supreme Court to hear her case against the FX network for misrepresenting her in a biopic about her lifelong feud with her sister/fellow actor Joan Fontaine.
- 102… Wow! So it’s true: Women NEVER forget.
*****
NBA player Stephen Curry said he doesn’t believe that US astronauts really landed on the moon.
- Sounds to me like Stephen’s been taking more than just 3 shots… on the court.
*****
A new law being considered in California would require baseball stadiums to offer Vegan entrees.
- Mmmmm! If this catches on here, who wouldn’t enjoy a yummy boiled carrot and mustard hotdog while rootin’ on the Tigers???
*****
A British couple - in their 70’s - were arrested after “an extremely large amount” of cocaine was found hidden in their stateroom.
- Cruise officials were tipped off when they realized the couple were jumping off the ship to play “Marco Polo” in the ocean.
*****
Delta announced that they will no longer allow kittens or puppies on board as “Trained Emotional Support Animals”.
- Notice they haven’t banned Sex Robots… Yet.
*****
According to an article in the NY Times, many apps on your smartphone record your location - up to 14 thousand times a day - and sell that info to the highest bidder.
- I take pleasure in knowing some high tech company somewhere is paying big bucks to find out I never left the house yesterday.
*****
Why does Santa see a therapist?
- He’s got low Elf-Esteem.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Meryl Streep told an interviewer that she’s “afraid” of President Trump.
- And you know she’s serious because her voice trembled in three different accents.
*****
New research finds that best time to have your morning coffee isn’t first thing… but an hour after you wake up.
- Which begs the question… How are you supposed to stay awake for that first hour without your morning coffee???
*****
Dealing with nosy relatives over the Holidays can be stressful, and experts say the best way to get through it is by “picking your battles”.
- Or do as my ex brother-in-law Joe always did: pick your nose.
*****
Students at Cal State University in California held a “Whiteness Forum” where they claimed the Christian cartoon “Veggie Tales” is racist because the villains are “vegetables of color”
- This is what happens when you make the Redskin Potatoes the bad guys…excuse me… I mean the Native American Potatoes.
*****
Ten football players at an Illinois high school were suspended from the team last month after they ran across a field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks.
- Talk about a sandwich cookie.
- You don’t wanna know where they put the Nutter Butters.
*****
New research from the European Heart Journal claims that people who get more than 6 hours of sleep a night are more likely to die early.
- First it was 8 hours, then 7, now 6. By this time next year, a 20 minute nap should do it.
*****
What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite part of Christmas?
- When Dancer, Prancer and Vixen stop by to give him a Santa’s Lap Dance.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Bad news… Kim Kardashian says that due to bickering between the sisters, there will be NO Kardashian family Christmas card this year.
- How about a pic of all the girls with the message: “Ho’s! Ho’s! Ho’s!”
*****
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer debuted on TV on this day in 1964 - but some on social media say kids shouldn’t watch it because it features “bullying”.
- What next? Frosty the Snowman’s White Privilege? And doesn’t his Corncob Pipe encourage smoking?
*****
Meanwhile some people are saying radio stations shouldn’t play the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” because the lyrics are “too suggestive”.
- Here’s a “suggestion”… GET A LIFE!!!!!
*****
Starting today, recreational marijuana is legal in Michigan.
- As the song says, “Doobie, Doobie, Do”.
*****
Instead of getting a real Christmas Tree Tuesday night, Dearborn gave residents a “techno tree” with LED lights attached to a metal pole in the shape of a tree.
- As a thank you, residents gave city officials a bunch of LED lights in the shape of a Middle Finger.
*****
What’s Santa’s favorite section in a bookstore?
- The Self Elf Section!
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
Good news! Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer will retire after the Rose Bowl on Jan. 1st.
- Would it have killed him to retire two weeks ago??? Ah… Timing is everything!
*****
Speaking of Ohio… a man stole a puppy from an Ohio pet store over the weekend by hiding him in his pocket.
- Which reminds me of the old question: “Is that a puppy in your pocket or did you just pee your pants?”
*****
Stanford University told the Sigma Chi fraternity to remove its American flag to improve its image saying the flag could be seen as “intimidating, aggressive or alienating.”
- So the only things flying at half-mast at Stanford are the officials’ brains.
*****
A NASA scientist says it’s possible that Aliens have already visited earth but we may not have recognized them because they are likely “extremely tiny super-intelligent” beings.
- In other words don’t waste your time looking for them at Stanford.
*****
Archeologists uncovered the skeleton of a man, dating back around 500 years, in the mud under London's River Thames, with his thigh-high leather boots virtually intact.
- They were even more surprised to find the receipt in his pocket from “Ye Olde DSW”.
*****
A Kenyan man needed to have emergency surgery after a cell phone he was smuggling into prison got stuck in his “caboose”.
- The poor guy only had one phone call and he accidentally butt dialed a pizza place.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Stormy Daniels says she’s still friends with her attorney Michael Avenatti even though he spent money raised for her on himself.
- She added that she’d give Avenatti the shirt off her back… just like every other guy with a twenty dollar bill.
*****
Kid Rock was fired from his role as Grand Marshall at the Nashville Christmas parade after he called Joy Behar a word that rhymes with witch.
- That’s what you get for putting Kid Rock on live TV at 8am - when he’s on his way home from the bar.
*****
Dolly Parton had Jimmy Fallon rolling on the floor laughing when she told him her husband Carl dreams of having a threesome with her and Jennifer Aniston.
- This is known as The Star of ‘“Friends”… With Benefits.
*****
The Scientology community is mad at one of their former leaders who claims it was her job to “audition” women to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
- You’d think a guy who bills himself as a Top Gun could get a girlfriend on his own.
*****
Ozzie Osborne cancelled several shows after getting an infection from a manicure.
- The guy bites the head off a bat and survives… but he can’t handle a manicure.
*****
Alec Baldwin reprised his role as Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live” after saying over the summer that he’d stop doing it.
- It’s part of his effort to “Make a Really Bad Show Great Again”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday.
Happy Birthday Gail.
-Dick
According to Dictionary.com, 2018’s Word of the Year is… “Misinformation”.
- At least I THINK that’s what I read.
*****
Research shows that sleeping with a man or a cat can disrupt a woman’s sleep… but sharing the mattress with a dog actually helps women sleep better.
- Thus the old adage “Let Sleeping Dogs Lie… On your bed”.
*****
OJ Simpson’s former Business Manager Norman Pardo told the NY Post that he has proof that the Juice committed the murders… and had an accomplice who helped him get away with it.
- I believe he had 12 accomplices… Known as “The Jury”.
*****
Speaking of murderers… a prisoner on death row in Tennessee has asked for the electric chair instead of lethal injection because he feels it would “hurt less”.
- Somebody needs to jolt this guy back to reality.
*****
Barbra Streisand revealed that Trump’s Presidency has made her so upset, she turned to “pancakes with butter on them and maple syrup to ease the pain”.
- Hear more about it in her new song “Pancakes… People Who Need Pancakes”.
*****
Wayne Newton says that at age 76 - he’s happier than he’s ever been.
- Appreciate the update Wayne. On behalf of all of us… Danke Schoen! Although his kids pointed out that these days “Daddy Doesn’t Walk So Fast”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Yet another court show is headed your way… “Judge Jerry” with Jerry Springer sitting on the bench, debuts next September.
- Jerry will throw the book at defendants, and defendants will throw chairs at each other.
*****
A giant cow in Australia named Knickers, which stands over 6 feet 4 inches tall, is such an oddity he’s been spared from the slaughterhouse.
- His owner says he looks just like his Giant Cow parents, and has his father’s nose and his mother’s Ribeyes.
*****
Bill and Hillary got a standing ovation when they attended a Broadway show over Thanksgiving weekend.
- In other news… there’s a Broadway musical in the works based on Bill’s life. It’s called “Fondler On The Roof”.
*****
The world’s largest Marijuana store has officially opened in Las Vegas.
- So now “What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas” because after smoking a joint, you don’t remember what you did.
*****
Justin Bieber told an interviewer that he “wants to be more like Jesus”.
- It’s not a religious thing… He just wants to be able to turn water into wine.
*****
A new controversial study found that every human being is a descendant of the same couple who lived 200,000 years ago.
- Archeologists figured it out when they found stone tools with carved words reading “World’s Greatest Mom & Dad”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
It’s Cyber Monday! Today is the day to get deep discounts on all your holiday gifts when you order online.
- Between “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday”… tomorrow is shaping up to be “Empty Bank Account Tuesday”.
*****
Forget Ugly Christmas Sweaters… the latest trend in Holiday wear are clip-on lights that men can attach to their beards for a festive look.
- The lights will make a great addition to the tinsel I always hang from my mustache.
*****
Kim Kardashian admitted that when she married her first husband at age 19 and when she made her infamous sex tape a few years later, she was “high on Ecstasy”.
- Even more shocking: She claims she was SOBER when she named her daughter “North West” after an airline. Well, at least it wasn’t Ireland’s “Aer Lingus”!
*****
Fans are still reeling after Michigan’s 62-39 loss to Ohio State on Saturday.
- On the bright side, it made the Lions 34-22 loss to the Bears almost seem like a win.
*****
The US Census Bureau says that by 2030 one in every five Americans will be retired.
- Which will give them plenty of time to cook and clean for the Millennials still living on the couch in their basement.
*****
Angry parents have hit out at Amazon for including a hardcore porn film in its "Dad Gifts" section.
- Nothing says Christmas like a Stormy Daniels DVD in Dad’s Stocking!
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! And now we look forward to Saturday’s Big Game in Columbus… Michigan v. Ohio State. As we’ve done since the Woody Hayes Days, I present for your listening pleasure, “Liquidate Ohio State”! What you will hear is the original version of the song with the voices of Tom Ryan, Tom DeLisle and myself, recorded at WXYZ AM radio - 1270. Over the years we overdubbed the name of each new coach as he came in. This one was done sometime between 2001 and 2010 during Jim Tressel’s head coaching career with the Buckeyes. Enjoy… and Go Blue!
- Dick