NBC is being slammed for it’s “train-wreck” New Year’s Eve coverage which featured co-host Chrissy Teigen talking about “Vaginal Steaming” but failed to show a countdown clock or the Ball Drop in Times Square.

- Here in Detroit we didn’t see the Ball Drop either… since the Lions WON over Green Bay… 31 - Zip!

*****

The Transportation Security Administration is planning on replacing pointy-ear dogs with floppy-ear ones as their security dogs, because people are less afraid of them.

- Call me crazy but aren’t we SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID of Security Dogs??

*****

As per usual, the number one Resolution this year was to “Eat healthier and lose weight”.

- But researchers say only 8% follow through with it, leaving the rest of us to eat our words... Along with a lot of potato chips.

*****

Patriots QB Tom Brady won’t receive any of the $5 Million in Performances Bonus’s built into his contract this year because he didn’t meet any of the goals he set for himself this season.

- He should do what I do: Set lower goals.

*****

Presidential Candidate Elizabeth Warren is being mocked on Social Media after going live on the Internet and awkwardly chugging a beer while taking questions from potential voters.

- To make matters worse, she drank the beer in the kitchen of her WigWam.

*****

United Airlines started the New Year with a tweet announcing that they’re bringing back an in-flight snack called the “Stroopwafel”.

- With the miniature size of airplane bathrooms, I thought the “Stroopwafel” was a euphemism for the “Mile High Club”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Wishing you and yours a Healthy, Happy & Peaceful New Year!

-Dick

A bittersweet Christmas for our family this year… Missing my Gail.

Here's hoping you had a very Merry Christmas!

And now… Let the countdown begin!

-Dick

The true meaning of Christmas is not under our trees, but in our hearts.

Merry Christmas… Wishing you a Blessed day!

-Dick

"And so I'm offering this simple phrase, 
To kids from one to ninety-two, 
Although its been said many times, many ways, 
Merry Christmas to you..."

From the Purtan family to you and yours...

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Christmas Eve!

-Dick

Chinese scientists say they’re using a $100 Million brain scanning machine to “find the human soul”.

- Dr. Scholl’s foot scanner found my soul at the drugstore the other day… It was Size 10 and only cost me 20 bucks.

*****

If you’re too busy to make a big Christmas Dinner, try a can of “Christmas Tinner” - which features 9 layers of everything from Turkey and cranberry sauce to Brussel sprouts and pudding.

- Years from now… todays kids will be filled with nostalgia, fondly remembering those delicious, old fashioned Christmas dinners at Grandma’s house… all out of a can.

*****

Researchers at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada are trying to find out what makes Chickens happy.

- Well we know for sure it’s not Colonel Sanders.

*****

Christmas hasn’t even arrived yet, but retailers say customers who began shopping before Black Friday are already returning packages… at a rate of a million a day.

- Not counting the guy who steals the packages off my front porch. I’m pretty sure he keeps those.

*****

Holiday cookie bakers have taken to social media to scold Hershey’s for selling chocolate morsels and Hershey’s kisses with the iconic tip cut off.

- I just had a “Circumcised Chocolate Chip Cookie with Nuts” the other day. Yum!

- This is what happens when you hire a surgeon/rabbi to design your chocolate goodies.

*****

A Russian man who was set to participate in the world’s first head transplant CANCELED his surgery after falling in love with a girl.

- When he said he fell “Head over Heels” he really meant it. 

*****

What does Santa give naughty girls for Christmas?

- A gift certificate to Kohls in her stocking.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As a Holiday Bonus, President Trump signed an Executive Order giving all Government employees Christmas Eve off.

- Which is great news for the two members of his Cabinet who haven’t resigned yet.

*****

A study by North Carolina State University found that chimpanzees have cleaner beds than humans do.

- It’s a toss up as to whose beds see the most “Monkey Business”.

- Chimps buy their sheets at “Bed, Bath & Bananas”.

*****

Facebook reportedly gave big tech companies EVEN MORE "intrusive access" to the personal data of its 2.2. billion users including private messages, usernames and contacts.

- Things are getting so bad at Facebook Mark Zuckerberg “unfriended” himself.

*****

A man in China who reportedly made a habit of sniffing his dirty socks each day contracted a serious fungal lung infection.

- So there’s actually a MEDICAL reason why we all shouldn’t be sniffin’ our socks everyday! I guess the guys in Grosse Pointe were ahead of the curve on this one.

*****

A 24 year old California man has been dubbed “The Most Popular Sperm Donor in the World” - fathering 18 children in four years because of (according to him) his looks, his education, and the fact that he doesn't charge for his services.

- He doesn’t charge for his services? What a charitable guy! I guess This IS The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

*****

Adult film star Stormy Daniels said she is “beyond excited and honored to share” that she will be featured in the next issue of Playboy.

- Something tells me this news isn’t the only thing Stormy will be “sharing”.

*****

What’s Santa’s favorite kind of potato chips?

- Kris Pringles

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Meghan Markle’s dad says his daughter has “ghosted” him and is asking the Queen of England to intervene. 

- I’m thinking he stands a better shot of getting this worked out with Jerry Springer.

*****

A survey by Graphic Springs found that 19% of people would prefer Santa Claus to be gender neutral.

- What’s next?? Frosty the Snow-Person??

*****

A Florida lawyer claims to have uncovered Hugh Hefner’s private sex tapes and plans to use them in a civil case against Bill Cosby. 

- Huh? Does this mean Bill Cosby had Hugh Hefner over for one of his “special drinks”??

- This explains why Cosby’s been using the hashtag #MeHugh in all of his prison correspondence.

*****

A California woman claims a Southwest Airlines agent forced her to leave her beloved pet fish at the airport last week.

- So instead of flying, the fish just swam to its destination.

- Hard to believe a company that packs you in like Sardines couldn’t make room for a tiny little fish.

*****

A pet parrot in England used his owners “Alexa” to order a kite, light bulbs, a tea kettle and some ice cream.

- Apparently Polly DIDN’T want a cracker.

*****

Harvey Weinstein’s name has been taken off of the New Jersey Hospital he founded.

- Big deal! Harvey never needed a Hospital to “play doctor” anyway.

*****

What does Santa call his toy workshop?

The Elves Oak Mall.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Lions Coach Matt Patricia dropped the F-bomb during a radio interview Sunday after the teams 14-13 loss to the Buffalo Bills.

- “Welcome to the Club!” said Lions fans everywhere.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner said that when it comes to Christmas presents, his ex-wife Kris Jenner is the best gift ever.

- Kris used to think of Bruce as a great gift too, but then he exchanged himself for Caitlyn.

*****

Speaking of Caitlyn Jenner… Miss Spain became the first openly transgender contestant to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant over the weekend.

- She didn’t win… but she did take the cake in the pageant’s “Secret Santa” competition.

*****

KFC has something new for sale this Christmas: For just $18.99 you can get a fire-starter log that smells just like the Colonel’s Original Recipe Fried Chicken.

- Nothing says “Christmas” like the scent of Fried Chicken wafting through the house while you’re opening your Hickory Farms Cheese Ball.

- Besides it’ll go great with the Coleslaw scented candles I got last year!

*****

A new survey found that 1 in 3 people have done something at an Office Holiday Party that they regret.

- Does Xeroxing your naked butt on the office copy machine still count like it used to??

*****

What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite Christmas song lyric?

- “Oh By Gosh, By Golly… It’s Time For Miss L. Toe and Holly!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new survey found that 67% of Americans sing Christmas tunes in the car and the most popular sing-a-long song is “Jingle Bell Rock”.

- But if a cop is coming up from behind you with his siren on, the most popular song to sing is “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

*****

Nancy Pelosi said her televised Oval Office meeting with Prez. Trump was like a “Tinkle contest with a skunk”.

- A “Tinkle” contest??? How genteel of her!

- But to be honest, I agree with Nancy... I saw the interview and it really Tinkled me off too.

*****

NBC announced that Kathy Lee Gifford is leaving the Today show after 11 years.

- One things for sure, whoever replaces her will have big wine glasses to fill.

*****

CNN talking heads said First Lady Melania Trump “whines” all the time and throws herself “pity parties”.

- As my Mother always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, say something mean about their wife”.

*****

A New Zealand study claims that James Bond is an alcoholic because of the amount of drinking he does in the movies.

- Turns out his real code name was Double O Seven And Seven.

*****

The Chinese Government is offering its citizens $86,000 to snitch on people who watch pornography.

- So now instead of asking for a raise at their factory jobs Kindergarten’s can make extra cash turning in their Dads.

*****

What does Santa Claus use instead of salt?

Mrs. Dasher.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A judge ordered Stormy Daniels to cough up almost $300,000 to pay President Trump’s attorney fees in the defamation suit against him that was dismissed.

- Wow… It’s isn’t even Christmas and Stormy already got coal in her fish net stockings.

*****

William Shatner has angered some of his fans by taking to Twitter in defense of the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”… which they say is about a man pressuring a woman for sex.

- QUESTION: How can Shatner’s Star Trek fans be outraged about sex when they’ve never even had it???

*****

Instead of having the traditional “Host”, the upcoming Oscars may feature a lot of different actors and actresses taking part in the show.

- That way EVERYBODY in Hollywood gets a chance to bash Trump.

*****

One of the most popular gifts this year is the line of “Golden Girls Chia Pets”.

- They make great stocking stuffers - or in the case of Betty White - Knee High Stuffers.

*****

Some members of the “Caravan” of migrants are demanding 50 Grand a piece from the US Government to turn around and return to their home countries.

- This is like going to a wedding you weren’t invited to and demanding the bride and groom give you everything on their registry to get you leave.

- Thus Lady Liberty’s Motto: “Bring us your Huddled Masses yearning to Extort the US Taxpayers”.

*****

Which of Santa’s Reindeer has the cleanest bathtub?

- Comet!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

102 year old Olivia De Havilland is asking the US Supreme Court to hear her case against the FX network for misrepresenting her in a biopic about her lifelong feud with her sister/fellow actor Joan Fontaine.

- 102… Wow! So it’s true: Women NEVER forget.

*****

NBA player Stephen Curry said he doesn’t believe that US astronauts really landed on the moon.

- Sounds to me like Stephen’s been taking more than just 3 shots… on the court.

*****

A new law being considered in California would require baseball stadiums to offer Vegan entrees.

- Mmmmm! If this catches on here, who wouldn’t enjoy a yummy boiled carrot and mustard hotdog while rootin’ on the Tigers???

*****

A British couple - in their 70’s - were arrested after “an extremely large amount” of cocaine was found hidden in their stateroom.

- Cruise officials were tipped off when they realized the couple were jumping off the ship to play “Marco Polo” in the ocean.

*****

Delta announced that they will no longer allow kittens or puppies on board as “Trained Emotional Support Animals”.

- Notice they haven’t banned Sex Robots… Yet.

*****

According to an article in the NY Times, many apps on your smartphone record your location - up to 14 thousand times a day - and sell that info to the highest bidder.

- I take pleasure in knowing some high tech company somewhere is paying big bucks to find out I never left the house yesterday.

*****

Why does Santa see a therapist?

- He’s got low Elf-Esteem.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Meryl Streep told an interviewer that she’s “afraid” of President Trump. 

- And you know she’s serious because her voice trembled in three different accents. 

*****

New research finds that best time to have your morning coffee isn’t first thing… but an hour after you wake up.

- Which begs the question… How are you supposed to stay awake for that first hour without your morning coffee???

*****

Dealing with nosy relatives over the Holidays can be stressful, and experts say the best way to get through it is by “picking your battles”.

- Or do as my ex brother-in-law Joe always did: pick your nose. 

*****

Students at Cal State University in California held a “Whiteness Forum” where they claimed the Christian cartoon “Veggie Tales” is racist because the villains are “vegetables of color” 

- This is what happens when you make the Redskin Potatoes the bad guys…excuse me… I mean the Native American Potatoes.

*****

Ten football players at an Illinois high school were suspended from the team last month after they ran across a field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks.

- Talk about a sandwich cookie.

- You don’t wanna know where they put the Nutter Butters.

*****

New research from the European Heart Journal claims that people who get more than 6 hours of sleep a night are more likely to die early. 

- First it was 8 hours, then 7, now 6. By this time next year, a 20 minute nap should do it.

*****

What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite part of Christmas? 

- When Dancer, Prancer and Vixen stop by to give him a Santa’s Lap Dance. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Bad news… Kim Kardashian says that due to bickering between the sisters, there will be NO Kardashian family Christmas card this year.

- How about a pic of all the girls with the message: “Ho’s! Ho’s! Ho’s!”

*****

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer debuted on TV on this day in 1964 - but some on social media say kids shouldn’t watch it because it features “bullying”.

- What next? Frosty the Snowman’s White Privilege? And doesn’t his Corncob Pipe encourage smoking?

*****

Meanwhile some people are saying radio stations shouldn’t play the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” because the lyrics are “too suggestive”.

- Here’s a “suggestion”… GET A LIFE!!!!!

*****

Starting today, recreational marijuana is legal in Michigan.

- As the song says, “Doobie, Doobie, Do”.

*****

Instead of getting a real Christmas Tree Tuesday night, Dearborn gave residents a “techno tree” with LED lights attached to a metal pole in the shape of a tree.

- As a thank you, residents gave city officials a bunch of LED lights in the shape of a Middle Finger.

*****

What’s Santa’s favorite section in a bookstore?

- The Self Elf Section!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Good news! Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer will retire after the Rose Bowl on Jan. 1st.

- Would it have killed him to retire two weeks ago??? Ah… Timing is everything!

*****

Speaking of Ohio… a man stole a puppy from an Ohio pet store over the weekend by hiding him in his pocket.

- Which reminds me of the old question: “Is that a puppy in your pocket or did you just pee your pants?”

*****

Stanford University told the Sigma Chi fraternity to remove its American flag to improve its image saying the flag could be seen as “intimidating, aggressive or alienating.”

- So the only things flying at half-mast at Stanford are the officials’ brains.

*****

A NASA scientist says it’s possible that Aliens have already visited earth but we may not have recognized them because they are likely “extremely tiny super-intelligent” beings.

- In other words don’t waste your time looking for them at Stanford.

*****

Archeologists uncovered the skeleton of a man, dating back around 500 years, in the mud under London's River Thames, with his thigh-high leather boots virtually intact.

- They were even more surprised to find the receipt in his pocket from “Ye Olde DSW”.

*****

A Kenyan man needed to have emergency surgery after a cell phone he was smuggling into prison got stuck in his “caboose”.

- The poor guy only had one phone call and he accidentally butt dialed a pizza place.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels says she’s still friends with her attorney Michael Avenatti even though he spent money raised for her on himself.

- She added that she’d give Avenatti the shirt off her back… just like every other guy with a twenty dollar bill.

*****

Kid Rock was fired from his role as Grand Marshall at the Nashville Christmas parade after he called Joy Behar a word that rhymes with witch.

- That’s what you get for putting Kid Rock on live TV at 8am - when he’s on his way home from the bar.

*****

Dolly Parton had Jimmy Fallon rolling on the floor laughing when she told him her husband Carl dreams of having a threesome with her and Jennifer Aniston.

- This is known as The Star of ‘“Friends”… With Benefits.

*****

The Scientology community is mad at one of their former leaders who claims it was her job to “audition” women to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.

- You’d think a guy who bills himself as a Top Gun could get a girlfriend on his own.

*****

Ozzie Osborne cancelled several shows after getting an infection from a manicure.

- The guy bites the head off a bat and survives… but he can’t handle a manicure.

*****

Alec Baldwin reprised his role as Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live” after saying over the summer that he’d stop doing it.

- It’s part of his effort to “Make a Really Bad Show Great Again”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday.

Happy Birthday Gail.

-Dick

According to Dictionary.com, 2018’s Word of the Year is… “Misinformation”.

- At least I THINK that’s what I read.

*****

Research shows that sleeping with a man or a cat can disrupt a woman’s sleep… but sharing the mattress with a dog actually helps women sleep better.

- Thus the old adage “Let Sleeping Dogs Lie… On your bed”.

*****

OJ Simpson’s former Business Manager Norman Pardo told the NY Post that he has proof that the Juice committed the murders… and had an accomplice who helped him get away with it.

- I believe he had 12 accomplices… Known as “The Jury”.

*****

Speaking of murderers… a prisoner on death row in Tennessee has asked for the electric chair instead of lethal injection because he feels it would “hurt less”.

- Somebody needs to jolt this guy back to reality.

*****

Barbra Streisand revealed that Trump’s Presidency has made her so upset, she turned to “pancakes with butter on them and maple syrup to ease the pain”.

- Hear more about it in her new song “Pancakes… People Who Need Pancakes”.

*****

Wayne Newton says that at age 76 - he’s happier than he’s ever been.

- Appreciate the update Wayne. On behalf of all of us… Danke Schoen! Although his kids pointed out that these days “Daddy Doesn’t Walk So Fast”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Yet another court show is headed your way… “Judge Jerry” with Jerry Springer sitting on the bench, debuts next September.

- Jerry will throw the book at defendants, and defendants will throw chairs at each other.

*****

A giant cow in Australia named Knickers, which stands over 6 feet 4 inches tall, is such an oddity he’s been spared from the slaughterhouse.

- His owner says he looks just like his Giant Cow parents, and has his father’s nose and his mother’s Ribeyes.

*****

Bill and Hillary got a standing ovation when they attended a Broadway show over Thanksgiving weekend.

- In other news… there’s a Broadway musical in the works based on Bill’s life. It’s called “Fondler On The Roof”.

*****

The world’s largest Marijuana store has officially opened in Las Vegas.

- So now “What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas” because after smoking a joint, you don’t remember what you did.

*****

Justin Bieber told an interviewer that he “wants to be more like Jesus”. 

- It’s not a religious thing… He just wants to be able to turn water into wine. 

*****

A new controversial study found that every human being is a descendant of the same couple who lived 200,000 years ago.

- Archeologists figured it out when they found stone tools with carved words reading “World’s Greatest Mom & Dad”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Cyber Monday! Today is the day to get deep discounts on all your holiday gifts when you order online.

- Between “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday”… tomorrow is shaping up to be “Empty Bank Account Tuesday”.

*****

Forget Ugly Christmas Sweaters… the latest trend in Holiday wear are clip-on lights that men can attach to their beards for a festive look.

- The lights will make a great addition to the tinsel I always hang from my mustache.

*****

Kim Kardashian admitted that when she married her first husband at age 19 and when she made her infamous sex tape a few years later, she was “high on Ecstasy”.

- Even more shocking: She claims she was SOBER when she named her daughter “North West” after an airline. Well, at least it wasn’t Ireland’s “Aer Lingus”!

*****

Fans are still reeling after Michigan’s 62-39 loss to Ohio State on Saturday.

- On the bright side, it made the Lions 34-22 loss to the Bears almost seem like a win.

*****

The US Census Bureau says that by 2030 one in every five Americans will be retired.

- Which will give them plenty of time to cook and clean for the Millennials still living on the couch in their basement.

*****

Angry parents have hit out at Amazon for including a hardcore porn film in its "Dad Gifts" section.

- Nothing says Christmas like a Stormy Daniels DVD in Dad’s Stocking!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick