Mark Zuckerberg lost huge yesterday when Facebook stock fell 20%. He lost over $16 Billion.

- I know how he feels... I own FB stock, and I lost 16 Bucks!

*****

A Michigan man was arrested for climbing Mount Rushmore and ending up underneath George Washington's nose. 

- Amazingly, the man's climb and arrest was predicted hundreds of years ago by Nostril-Damus. 

*****

Larry Nassar has filed for re-sentencing, claiming that he was attacked in prison.

- Thus the expression:  "The Shoe Is On The Other Foot". 

*****

An apartment complex in Grosse Pointe is using a new DNA service called "PooPrints" that can identify dogs whose owners don't pick up their "droppings". 

- The people who analyze the "samples" are known as "Pooper Snoopers". 

*****

A bunch of companies in Japan are using high tech sensors that blasts employees with cold air if they fall asleep on the job.

- Why don't they just throw a glass of cold water in their face like my mother did to me when I wouldn't get out of bed for school? 

*****

Police in Tennessee have arrested a man who stripped naked at a McDonalds and did jumping jacks in the women's bathroom. 

- And just like that sales of McNuggets plummeted. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

The Orion spaceship is on display on the White House Lawn this week as part of President Trump's "Made in American" Product Showcase. 

- Oh... I thought it was Melania's escape pod. 

*****

A study out of Johns Hopkins found that Dogs DO sense when their owners are upset and will do anything to try to calm their owner down. 

- LabraDoodles will even draw you a happy picture! 

*****

Officials in Japan say that plastic "Sex Dolls" are on the way to replacing real women. As proof, they say the birth rate fell by one million last year. 

- If you want to date someone who's part-plastic, part-human you can always hit-on a Kardashian.

*****

A man was arrested after he stripped naked at a Planet Fitness gym, and struck a Yoga pose. His attorney said the man took the gym's "Judgment Free Zone" slogan too seriously.

- The lawyer said the man also once flew naked on a plane because of the slogan, "He Loves To Fly... And It Shows!"

***** 

85 year old Yoko Ono is set to release a new anti-war album in the fall. It will be low on music and center more on the spoken word. 

- There's a "spoken word" for people who listened to Yoko last album... "STOP!!!".

*****

April the Giraffe is pregnant again! 

- So you can't get pregnant from a toilet seat, but apparently "necking" is another story.

*****

Thanks for all of your comments yesterday! Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

I was amazed by some of the reactions generated by yesterday's post about what Hillary Clinton wore during a stage appearance at an event in NYC. It wasn't about her weight or body type, it was about her choice of attire - a housecoat or Muu Muu (as many called it) - at a very public outing. 

First and foremost, this is intended to be a Humorous Blog. Every day my daughter Jackie and I scour the news for what we hope are "interesting" stories, and try to put a unique and comedic spin on them.  When it comes to politics, we reach across both side of the aisle - the same as I did on the radio for 45 years and have done in this forum for the last eight.

And as I do everyday, I read each and every response posted here on Facebook. Yesterday, I noticed "outrage" by some never-seen-before names as well as regular readers who took umbrage with what they called "fat-shaming". To say I was fat-shaming is a distortion of the facts; Unfair and Untrue. The post had to do with Hillary Clinton's unusual choice of outfits at a very public appearance. Not whether she was fat, thin or in-between. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

Over my 45 years on Detroit radio, I commented on events and people of all kinds, including myself. It's worked pretty well for me... and I will continue regardless of some people's attempts to fuel their anger by fanning imaginary smoke from a non-existent fire. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Hillary Clinton appeared on stage at a festival in NYC over the weekend looking, well, you be the judge. 

- I think we finally know where she's hiding the emails. 

*****

Meanwhile, pics have surfaced of Bill & Hillary having an intimate dinner with Harvey Weinstein just weeks after she lost the election. 

- After looking at this picture, we know why Harvey's never been accused of hitting on Hillary. (Bill either). 

*****

A West Bloomfield man has created an App that will tell you what breed a dog is by analyzing a single photo. 

- In a related story... you can find out if a dog is a boy or a girl using the new "Pointer or Setter" app. 

*****

Gatorade announced that they will launch customizable sports drinks that come with your name on the bottle as part of their new "Individual Hydration" program. 

- Remember the good old days when "Individual Hydration" meant getting a glass of water for yourself at the kitchen sink? 

*****

An online pastor is predicting that a Super Blood Moon will cause the world to end in late August. 

- This comes as shocking news to half the country who thought the world already ended on Election Day 2016. 

*****

Despite bad reviews, the sequel to Mamma Mia! drew huge audiences and took in $41 Million dollars during it's opening weekend. 

- The audiences were made up of thousands of women. And Richard Simmons.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

President Trump tweeted that people who don't like him are suffering from "Trump Derangement Syndrome". 

- So exposure to  Trump will give you TDS.  Exposure to Stormy Daniels will give you an STD. 

*****

The Brady Bunch home in California is on the market for $1.8 Million. It was purchased in 1973 for $61,000. 

- Forget about "Location, Location, Location!". It's all about "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" 

- The house is in a great neighborhood, plus you get free meat delivery from Sam the Butcher.

*****

A friend of Matt Lauer's claims that Matt wants to get back on TV so badly, he's wiling to give up sex completely to make it happen. 

- I say whatever Matt does behind closed (and remotely locked) office doors is his own business. 

*****

A 21 year old waitress at "Vinnie's Van-Go-Go's" restaurant in Georgia threw a man onto the floor then had him arrested after he touched her butt.

- Whatever happened to turning the other cheek? 

*****

A palace insider has revealed that Queen Elizabeth hates Garlic and forbids anyone in the Royal Family to eat it for fear their breath will smell like garlic. 

- This explains their "Special Wave"... it's to blow away the garlic breath of Royal Family members who disobey the Queen. 

*****

68 year old Caitlyn Jenner donned a black dress and heels at last night's ESPY Awards - which she attended with her 22 year old girlfriend Sophia. 

- What can those two crazy girls have in common? I mean, other than fake boobs? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

President Trump is now backing off on his statement that the Russians didn't try to meddle in the election claiming he accidentally said "Why WOULD they" instead of "Why WOULDN'T they?"

- He's also unveiled a new line of "Make Words With Apostrophe's Great Again" baseball caps. 

*****

A video of a woman carrying her frightened Labradoodle down a mall escalator has gone viral.

- Proving the old adage... "Woman is a Dog's Best Friend". 

- The dog was so grateful, when they got home he ran in circles and rubbed his butt on her rug. 

*****

A survey by Facetune found that 90% of all bikini photos posted online have beed edited to enhance the subjects features. 

- With the exception of Kim Kardashian's butt. 

- Sadly, all of the pics of old guys wearing Speedos HAVEN'T been edited.

*****

Meanwhile... a top fashion designer called Kim and her family "the cheapest people in the world". 

- Apparently he's never met my ex-brother-in-law Joe.

*****

A store in NYC is renting out mattresses where you can take a 45 minute nap for $25. 

- So much for "The City That Never Sleeps". 

*****

Archeologists in Jordan have discovered the burnt remains of a flatbread baked 14,400 years ago, making it the oldest bread on record.

- It's about a footlong and was found in a dumpster behind the Amman Subway Shop.

- I'm thinking the bread is still good... but I'd stay away from the mayo. 

*****

It's National Hot Dog Day!

- The day we head to a Coney Island with friends to Ketchup and make memories we'll Relish. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

President Trump's announcement that he believes Putin's claims that Russia didn't try to influence the Presidential Election are being called "treasonous" by some. 

- Even the WH chef is a critic. This morning he served Trump a breakfast of Eggs Benedict... Arnold. 

*****

The man who co-wrote Trump's book "Art of the Deal" told CNN that the President is losing his mind. 

- So is everybody else... but this guy said it BEFORE the press conference with Putin Monday. 

*****

It's World Emoji Day! 

- This would be really big news if I had any idea how to text! 

*****

A Florida man was arrested after he dumped the contents of a Porta-Potty onto his neighbor's front lawn. 

- Porta-Potty offenses are the #1 and #2 growing crimes in the country, believe it or not. (I know... probably NOT).  

*****

Hundreds of thousands of shoppers trying to cash in on deals during Amazon's much hyped "Prime Day" were unable to place orders when the website crashed. They got an error message along with a pic of a cute dog. 

- And you can get that cute dog delivered to your door in TWO DAYS for FREE... if you have Prime. 

*****

IHOP is celebrating it's 60th Birthday today by offering Short Stacks of pancakes for just 60 cents. 

- I love pancakes but don't like the calories. I can't decide if I should go. I'm waffling. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Residents of a small town in Greenland woke up to find an 11 ton Iceberg floating off the coast of their village. It's 300 feet tall, almost two-football-fields long and may cause a Tsunami. 

- Meanwhile, officials say most residents don't know how to swim. I'm thinkin' now would be a good time to learn. 

*****

Vladimir Putin showed up an hour late for his meeting with President Trump in Helsinki, Finland today, and body language experts say they looked like "fighters headed into the ring". 

-  Only this was less like "The Thrilla In Manilla" and more like "The Stinkie in Helsinki".

*****

Today is Amazon Prime Day!

- If you're got Prime... Today is the day you can save big on tons of stuff that you don't need! 

*****

In a related story, the last Sears store in Chicago is closing after almost 80 years. 

- Instead of paying for a demolition crew, they're going to reopen on Black Friday and let the customers tear it down. 

*****

A Ryan Air flight from Dublin to Croatia plunged 30,000 feet in ten minutes after the cabin lost pressure. 

- It was extra scary because on discount airlines, you have to swipe your credit card before the oxygen masks will come down. 

*****

Supermodel Kate Upton announced that she's expecting her first child with hubby Justin Verlander. 

- The happy couple revealed the good news in a Tweet reading: "Guess Who's Finally Eating For ONE???" 

- Kate says Justin may play for the Astros... but he's still a Tiger in bed. (Btw... Justin gave up 4 HR's and got bombed by the TIGERS last night in Houston). 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Hi... Jackie here! It's 7/11 and that means two things: Free Slurpees at 7-Eleven... and my Dad's Birthday! As part of the celebration, he sat down with my sister, JoAnne, and her 104.3 WOMC Morning-Show-Partner Stephen Clark for a "Detroit Originals" Video-cast. Enjoy! And Happy Birthday to the Most Wonderful Dad in the World! I Love You to the Moon & Back!!!!! 

We'll see you back here Thursday!

-Jackie 

A video has surfaced of Bill and Hillary Clinton taking a commercial Delta flight from Washington D.C. to New York.  

- And they didn't even have to pay full price! Bill got the tickets using a "Grope-On". 

*****

In honor of "National Dress Like a Cow Day", Chick-fil-A restaurants are giving away free entrees today. The catch: You have to dress like a Cow to get the free Chicken. 

- What are the chances that I'd pick this week to take my Cow Costume to the cleaners??? 

*****

Do You Believe In Miracles??? All 12 boys and their soccer coach have been rescued from an underwater cave in Thailand.

- They had to fight water plus tight conditions. And since the kids were soccer players, they couldn't use their hands. 

***** 

Thousands of Millennials took to Twitter last night to complain that President Trump's live announcement of his Supreme Court pic delayed finding out which guys were chosen for the "Group Date" on The Bachelorette. 

- Put another way... we're doomed. 

*****

According to Wallet Hub, the high rate of car thefts, parking fees, accident likelihood and average gas prices has earned Detroit the title of "America's WORST City to Drive In". 

- We're #1! We're #1!

- If only they'd factored in Potholes, we would have been voted "The Worst City To Drive In Of All Time!"

*****

A new study found that feeling much younger than your age could be a sign that your brain is aging more slowly. 

- In a related story, a new study found that feeling UP Women much younger than your age could be a sign that you're a member of the Rolling Stones. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

The Mayor of London has given the green light to a 20ft balloon depicting President Trump as a huge orange baby that will fly above Parliament during Trump's visit Friday. 

- The last time anything flew over Britain that was this vindictive and full of hot air, was when the Nazi's bombed London in World War II.

*****

Starbucks announced that it will do away with plastic straws at it's more than 28,000 stores worldwide by 2020.

- So the only thing customers will have to Suck Up is paying 7 bucks for a cup of coffee. 

*****

Prez Trump will announce his second pick for the U.S. Supreme Court live on TV tonight at 9pm.

- In an attempt to get more millennial viewers, Trump will gather all the potential Judges at the White House... and present the winner with a Long-Stem Red Rose. 

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger's 20 year old love child, Joseph, was photographed on a beach looking just as muscle-bound as his Dad. 

- Joseph said being muscular is in his genes. And getting in the maid's jeans probably is too.

*****

"Little House on the Prairie" star Melissa Gilbert is moving out of her Brighton home and relocating to  NYC after 5 years in Michigan. 

- "Good Riddance!" said her neighbor, Miss Nellie Oleson. 

*****

24 year old Justin Bieber is engaged to Alec Baldwin's niece, Hailey. 

- The happy couple is registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond and several prison commissaries. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Nia Vardalous, the star of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" has filed for divorce from her husband of 25 years. 

- Get all the details in the upcoming movie, "My Big Fat Greek Divorce". 

*****

An artist in the Philippines is facing charges of "animal cruelty" after posting a video of himself executing a cockroach he found in his apartment in a homemade miniature electric chair. 

- He was taken into custody after a RAID! on his apartment. 

- He's being charged with First Degree Insect-i-cide.

*****

Oprah told British Vogue magazine that she WILL NOT run for President in 2020. 

- The reason? She can't decide who will be the First Spouse... Stedman or Gayle King. 

*****

Stormy Daniels' lawyer Michael Avenatti says he will run for President in 2020. 

- This guy's got a bigger ego than President Trump and Kanye West combined. 

*****

Scarlett Johansson is being attacked on social media for agreeing to play a transgender man in the movie "Rub & Tug," a film based on the true story of transgender massage parlor owner. 

- In her defense... It takes a lot of cajones for a woman to play a man. 

*****

A massive new study found that drinking two to six cups of coffee a day (even decaf!) can dramatically increase a person's lifespan. 

- And if you take sugar in your Joe, it'll dramatically increase your chance of getting Diabetes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

From the entire Purtan Family to You & Yours... Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy 4th of July! 

See you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

A bear who couldn't bare the heat any longer was videoed lapping up a margarita and splashing around in an unheated hot tub in California last weekend.

- Clearly he is not your Average Bear. 

- The bear said he thought he was at his health club and apologized for making a "Boo-Boo". 

*****

Lebron James has now boosted the LA Lakers’ odds of winning the NBA Title from 12-1 to 7-2. Experts say he gives the team "a whole new face".

- He's the Cher of Basketball. 

*****

Thousands of online shoppers are threatening to boycott Walmart after finding out they were selling “Impeach 45” apparel on their website.

- Execs say they LIKE some of Trump's ideas, pointing to their array of "Make Triple X Stretch Pants Great Again!" baseball caps. 

*****

A study by Texas State University found that posting your fitness accomplishments on social media can make others feel bad about themselves.

- Isn't making other people feel bad the reason most people post their fitness accomplishments on social media in the first place???

*****

A transexual model - who was born a man but had surgery to become a woman - made history by beating out dozen of women to represent Spain in the Miss Universe Pageant. 

- He/She said she wouldn't have been able to "make the cut" if He/She hadn't "make that other cut" a few years back. 

*****

A Norwegian Cruise Line crew member who fell overboard Saturday was miraculously found alive 22 hours later by a Carnival cruise ship.

- Wow. He survived 22 hours in the ocean only to get food poisoning on his first trip to the Carnival "I Heart Seafood Buffet". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on the 4th of July!

-Dick 

Taking a Vacation

We are taking a vacation for a while.

See you soon,

- Dick

The obituary of an 81 year old Minnesota woman has gone viral - after her family gave a less-than-glowing summation of her life, saying that she got pregnant by her husband's brother, "abandoned" her kids and that quote, "the world is a better place without her". 

- FYI: Visitation and Grave-Stomping will be this Sunday from 1 to 4pm. 

- Say what you want, but her family sure knows how to put the "Fun" in "Funeral". 

*****

The NY Post has confirmed that Dennis Rodman will be in Singapore for the big Trump/Kim Jong Un Summit next week... and may even play a role in the negotiations. 

- Think of him as Henry Kissinger in a wedding dress. 

*****

Pancake lovers are flipping out over IHOP's announcement that, after 60 years, they're changing their name to the mysterious sounding "IHOb". The meaning of the "b" will be revealed next Monday. 

- My money is on "bypass". As in Heart "bypass" Surgery. 

- I'm okay with the name change... but if they try to mess with the "Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity" breakfast platter - count me out. 

*****

A man in NY is suing CVS after one it's employees told his wife about his prescription for Viagra - which he paid for in cash and kept hidden from his bride. 

- His wife is up in arms and the man is just... well... UP. 

*****

Simon Cowell claims he's much less "irritated and annoyed" since ten months ago he stopped constantly looking at his cell phone. 

- Imagine how much less "irritated and annoyed" he'd have been during "American Idol" if he'd only stopped looking at Paula Abdul.

*****

Today the 6th of June.... On this fateful day in 1944, the U.S. and Allied Troops overcame incredible odds when they stormed the beaches of Normandy and started the path towards Victory in World War II. 

Have a great day... Thank a Veteran... and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

The Miss America Pageant is dropping the Swimsuit competition beginning with this year's pageant in September so the girls will no longer be judged on their looks.  

- Doesn't matter to me. I only watched the Pageant for the articles anyway. No wait... that's was Playboy. 

- Pageant officials said It was "an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot decision".  

*****

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz announced he is leaving amid speculation that he's planning a Presidential run in 2020. 

- Insiders say he's already ordered a bunch of "Make America GRANDE Again" baseball caps. 

- He hasn't even announced yet, and he's already locked up the all-important "Barista Vote". 

*****

The Mayor of Philadelphia lashed out at the President after Trump "disinvited" the Super Bowl winning Philadelphia Eagles from a White House reception today because only 10 players said  they would attend. The Mayor called Trump "a fragile egomaniac". 

- Well I wouldn't call him "fragile". 

*****

Bill Clinton has changed his story... This morning he said that he DID personally apologize to Monica Lewinsky after their sex scandal, claiming he was just "hot under the collar" when asked about it on Sunday.

- He was "hot under the collar" as opposed to his usual state of "hot under his belt". 

*****

A physicist who did some work for MSU is facing charges of beastiality for allegedly having a 3 month long "sexual relationship" with a Basset Hound. O.M.G.!!!

- The physicist claims the sex was "consensual" and that the two met on Fetch.com. 

*****

Queen Elizabeth went all out when it came to a wedding gift for Prince Harry and his bride Meghan Markle: She gave them a historic Stone Cottage. 

- It was built in the 1800's, so basically she gave them a fixer-upper. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

GM Executive VP Mark Reuss crumbled the front of the $125,000 Corvette pace car he was driving during the parade lap of the Detroit Grand Prix Sunday by hitting the wall. 

- The old Chevy ad slogan "Like a Rock" didn't work out so well. 

*****

When asked by "Today" show hosts this morning whether he ever apologized to Monica Lewinsky for abusing his power during their affair, Clinton said, "No". 

- He added "I have never had apologetic conversations with that woman... Miss Lewinsky".

*****

Just 9 days before his "On-Again" summit with Prez Trump, Kim Jong Un fired three of his top military leaders and replaced them with younger generals. 

- Technically he didn't "fire" them... He "firing squaded" them. 

*****

A survey by Office Team found that 80% of bosses say the quality of a worker's wardrobe plays a direct role in whether or not they get a promotion. 

- Which explains why Plumbers rarely get a crack at moving up the corporate ladder. 

*****

According to a new survey, Las Vegas is the "Best City in the World" for finding a romantic partner.

- The partnership may only last an hour and cost you a hundred big ones, but still, it's "a romantic partner". 

***** 

Brian DePalma, who directed "Scarface" and "Carrie" said that he's writing a horror film about Harvey Weinstein. 

- Seeing Harvey naked in the shower will make "Psycho" seem like a Disney Movie. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

A Goose who ran wild on the field at Comerica Park last night during a rain delay, evaded capture by Groundskeepers, only to fly straight into the scoreboard.

- The bird is fine... but he should have listened to the crowd chanting, "Duck! Duck! Goose!" 

*****

Roseanne Barr's ex, Tom Arnold, says "she did it on purpose". 

- But don't worry about her. I'm bettin' she's already got a plan to star in a reboot of "The Biggest Loser".  

*****

A car salesman in Texas is suing his boss for creating a "hostile work environment" by repeatedly "breaking wind" in the salesman's office to "keep him in line". 

- Sounds like someone isn't following the EPA's Emission Standards. 

- So much for that "New Car Smell". 

*****

Harvey Weinstein's attorney says that despite indictments handed down by a Grand Jury Thursday, "Harvey continues to maintain his position of innocence". 

- Which is new, since the women who had to deal with him said he loved to CHANGE positions. 

*****

Officials in Hawaii are warning residents not to roast marshmallows over flowing lava, as it could be dangerous. 

- Ya think?

- Apparently that whole "Pompeii" thing could have been avoided if the Girl Scouts hadn't been on a camping trip.

*****

A massive new study out of Britain found that people who need reading glasses are genetically prone to be more intelligent than those with good eyesight.

- If it's true... I have been a flipping GENIUS since I was 7!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Roseanne Barr, whose hit sit-com was cancelled by ABC after she tweeted racist comments says the sleeping pill Ambien made her do it. 

- Bill Cosby said, "That's why when I was shooting 'The Cosby Show', I stuck with Quaaludes".

- Remember the good old days when the most offensive thing Roseanne did was grabbing her "covfefe" while "screeching" the National Anthem?

*****

Grosse Pointe Shores has been named the "Richest City" in Michigan with an average household income of 150 grand.  

- All that money and the men still can't afford socks.

*****

The 'world's oldest man' - 114 year old Fredie Blom from Cape Town, South Africa has announced that he's trying to quit smoking. 

- I'm all for a healthy lifestyle, but if you make it to 114... "Smoke 'em if you got 'em".

*****

With talks underway to reschedule his summit with Kim Jong Un, President Trump will hold another summit today:  He's meeting with KIM KARDASHIAN to discuss prison reform. 

- Wow. He may be the first U.S. President in history to have a summit with Lil Kim and Big-Butt-Kim in the span of a month! 

***** 

Two little boys in Denver who opened a lemonade stand to raise money for a child in Indonesia, were forced to close their operation because someone alerted Police that they didn't have a permit. 

- Thus the expression, "When Life Hands You Lemons... Make Sure You Get A Permit Before You Make Lemonade". 

*****

A televangelist based in Louisiana is asking followers to donate $54 Million to buy a private jet - saying that "If Jesus were alive today, he wouldn't be riding around on a donkey... he'd be flying around the world preaching". 

- This guy should stick to donkey-riding since he's clearly a Jackass.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick