The movie Casablanca turns 75 years old this week. 

- If you don't celebrate, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon... and for the rest of your life.

*****

Police in Nevada arrested a woman on suspicion of drunk driving after she drove down a highway the wrong way, danced atop her SUV and attempted to flee from officers on a kid's scooter.

- She not only tried to get away on a kid's scooter, but fell off the wagon too.

*****

Vladimir Putin announced that he will run for President again in the upcoming 2018 election. 

- He's going to re-use his last successful campaign slogan..."Make America Great Again". 

*****

A Service Dog broke free from his owner and attacked an actress singing in her kitten costume during a performance of CATS on Broadway.

- It happened around Midnight... Not a sound from the pavement. 

- The actress wasn't hurt... but did cough up a furball. 

*****

The top Gossip Editor for the National Enquirer has been accused of sexual harassment. 

- According to their reports, he groped an actress who, it turns out, is the Love Child of Ellen DeGeneres and the Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt. 

*****

It's "National Gazpacho Day"! 

- What better way to shake off the arctic chill than with a steaming hot bowl of Gazpacho! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

They finally brought down the Silverdome yesterday after their first attempt failed over the weekend. 

- Same old. Same old. Just another Bomb on a Sunday that was incomplete at the Silverdome. 

*****

This morning, 88 year old John Conyers announced that he is retiring - not resigning - effective immediately and endorsed his son John Conyers III for his seat in Congress. 

- Apparently John Sr. has high gropes... uh, "hopes" for his son's political future. 

- Conyers said he's retiring due to health concerns and not because of sexual harassment claims. Uh, huh. Yup. Gotcha. 

*****

Conyer's "retirement" came just hours after new allegations that he put his hand up a woman's skirt and fondled her thigh while they were sitting in the front pew of Church. 

- Luckily, his wife Monica is very understanding and rarely flies off the handle. 

*****

A series of photos of Madonna doing ballet in the nude are going up for auction. 

- Her enthusiasm for the dance is said to be "Infectious". Just like she is. 

*****

British Airways has begun boarding planes in order of how much people paid for their tickets, with the highest going first.

- In a related story, United Airlines will begin dragging passengers off their planes starting with those who paid the least. 

***** 

Customs agents stopped a woman who tried to smuggle 250 pounds of Bologna across the border in her car yesterday. 

- Her lawyer claims she had no idea Micheal Moore was hiding in her trunk. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

It's National "Wear Brown Shoes Day". Which reminds me of the time I, for some reason, thought it was a good idea to wear brown shoes with a Black Tux during an interview with then Bruce Jenner at the Autoshow. 

- It was embarrassing... then again, I'm not the one in the picture who ended up wearing high heels. 

*****

Despite fanfare and a huge "Boom", The Pontiac Silverdome remained standing after the attempted implosion Sunday morning due to some explosives that didn't go off.  

- The company responsible says their demolition team is "in a rebuilding" phase. 

*****

Time Magazine announced their finalists for this years "Person of the Year" and they include President Trump, Kim Jong Un and Colin Kaepernick. 

- "Tweet, Bomb & Kneel"... if none of them win, they could always form a morning radio team. 

*****

British Royalty Experts say that Prince Harry's fiancee Meghan Merkle needs to stop crossing her legs in public, which is considered a Royal no-no. 

- But they say she'd better uncross them in private if she and Harry expect to end up with an "Heir and a Spare".

*****

The Sheriff of a small town in Texas said he will no longer give hugs in the workplace and will stick to "handshakes and knuckle bumps" in the wake of so many sexual harassment allegations. 

- Is it just me or does a "Knuckle Bump" sound like something that could still get you in trouble? 

*****

Medical experts say that men can actually be allergic to sex, and suffer flu-like symptoms for up to 7 days after doing the horizontal mambo. 

- No wonder Harvey Weinstein always looks so clammy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Matt Lauer reportedly had a secret button under his desk so he could lock his office door remotely after asking women to come in. 

- Luckily he didn't have one of those automatic light switches... or they would've faced "Clap on! Clap off! The Clapper!"

*****

88 year old John Conyers was hospitalized for "stress" this morning over the sexual harassment claims against him. 

- When he fell ill, his wife Monica let out a "Shrek"... oops, I mean "Shriek". 

*****

Brown University is now allowing applicants to “self-identify” as persons of color.

- When I applied to Syracuse I "self-identified" as "Valedictorian"... It didn't work! 

*****

NPR's Garrison Keiller was fired for admittedly putting his hand up the back of a woman's blouse that he was "trying to console".  

- Apparently he liked to do more than tell stories to his Prairie Home Companions. 

*****

Matt Lauer broke his silence this morning, saying that while some of the allegations against him are "misrepresentations" there's "enough truth" in them that he's sorry for any hurt that he caused. 

- But mostly he sorry for getting caught. 

*****

A man who robbed a bank in Massachusetts was arrested by police after he was found hiding in a Porta-Potty. 

- If there's ever been a time for "Money Laundering"... that time is now.  

- He told the cops he stole the money and hid out there because he didn't have a pot to pee in. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Matt Lauer has been fired by NBC's Today Show after a staffer came forward claiming the $25 Million a year longtime host had sexually assaulted her during the 2016 Rio Olympics... and they don't believe it's a one-time incident.  

- Finally an answer to the question "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?". He's in the Unemployment Line.  

*****

Meanwhile a male staffer who used to work for John Conyers says almost everyone who worked for Conyers saw him in his underwear. 

- The man's name is Bob Weiner. Seriously. Bob Weiner. You can't make this stuff up. 

*****

The President of the Navajo Nation said it was culturally insensitive for President Trump to call Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" during a ceremony honoring Native Americans. 

- Trump immediately Tweeted: "I meant NO offense! Honest Injun!" 

*****

Pamela Anderson sent Kim Kardashian a Faux fur coat for Christmas along with a litter begging Kim to stop wearing fur. 

- Most people don't care what Kim wears... as long as she wears SOMETHING. 

*****

Troubled Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle is looking to hire a new CEO. 

- Interested applicants must have a BA, MBA, PhD and an E. Coli.

- The current CEO is stepping down "due to health reasons". Apparently he's been eating at his own restaurant. 

*****

A British company has developed a "Smart Condom" that will record data from your performance and give you a rating. 

- If the man's results are announced by Siri... It would be the new high tech version of a "Threesome". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Early estimates indicate that Cyber Monday sales generated over $3.45 Billion in revenue. 

- I'm a happy dancin' guy... The Bedazzled Elvis Throw Pillow I ordered FOR 70% OFF should be on my porch by Friday!!!

*****

Oddsmakers are already taking bets on where newly engaged Prince Harry will hold his Bachelor Party. 

- I did Nazi that one coming.

*****

The White House is reportedly considering a ban on all cell phones in an effort to cut down on leaks. 

- Put another way, they're trying to get President Trump to stop Tweeting. 

*****

A study by the University of Nevada found that men tend to be less masculine and heterosexual if their wives keep their maiden names. 

- Try telling that to Hillary Rodham Clinton. 

*****

More sexual harassment allegations against John Conyers and meanwhile Harvey Weinstein is facing sex trafficking charges. 

- Santa's gonna need a boatload of coal to fill all the "Naughty" people's stockings this year. 

*****

Elementary School teachers in Ontario are being taught new sexual terms including "Demisexual -  a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone."

- I believe this used to be known as "Falling In Love". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

It's Cyber Monday! 

- Or as computer hackers call it... "Christmas!"

- It's the day set aside to shop on your computer while icing the bruises you got at the Mall on Black Friday. 

*****

Time Magazine is denying claims by President Trump that he "was probably" going to be named 2017's "Person of the Year" but that he turned down their request for an interview and photo shoot. 

- In a related story, Trump also claims he turned down People Magazine's decision to name him "Sexiest Man Alive". 

*****

Dictionary.com has named "Complicit" as the Word of the Year. 

- If you don't know what "Complicit" means, you can look it up at Dictionary.com. 

*****

Al Franken has apologized for his sexual misconduct, saying he likes to "hug people" and is sorry if some women considering that "crossing the line". 

- I'm thinking Al needs to Google the definition of the word "Hug". 

*****

Charles Manson reportedly left his estate to a pen pal who began writing him in the 1990's. 

- So that guy is now the proud owner of three cigarettes and a straight jacket. 

*****

Kim Jong Un has reportedly outlawed Drinking and Singing in North Korea. 

- And just like that the "Korean Kristmas Korus" cancelled their big show: "Oh by Gosh, By Golly... It's Time for Nuclear Missile Tests & Holly!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #223

Welcome to Thanksgiving Weekend and Podcast #223! Today Jackie and I sit down around the already-set-for-21-Purtan-Family-Dining-Room-Table to "Talk Turkey" about a cornucopia of topics including:  A list I came across of things to do before dying, including how to use a Bidet... Correctly!! My antiquated 75 year old exercise bike and why I still use and love it (even though it's getting me nowhere fast). How everything in life is a trade-off... including trade-offs. One of my favorite all time funny movie scenes from "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and how it affected my daughter JoAnne when we watched it together last weekend. And speaking of Steve Martin movies... we remind you why you NEED to watch "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles" this time of year! 

So pass the gravy... but don't pass on Podcast #223. It's sure to fill you up! 

Have a great Thanksgiving and I'll see you back here after the Holiday! 

-Dick 

U.S. Rep. John Conyers has been accused of settling a sexual harassment suit brought by a woman who used to work for him, as well as having numerous affairs.  

- Hard to believe Conyers would even LOOK at another woman when he's got Monica at home waiting for him! 

*****

CBS and PBS have cut ties with Charlie Rose after allegations by 8 women that he sexually harassed them... including by walking around naked and making lewd phone calls. 

- So the bloom is off the Rose... because the pants were off the Rose. 

*****

Campaign records show that despite the teenage girl sex allegations against him, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore raised $500,000 last week. 

- This is huge news for Roy since Prom Season will be here before we know it... and those tuxes aren't cheap! 

*****

Today President Trump will follow tradition and Pardon two turkeys in a Rose Garden Ceremony. 

- Kathy Griffin and Michael Moore are excited saying they haven't been to the White House since Obama was in office. 

*****

Fox News Host Judge Jeanine Pirro was ticketed in upstate NY for driving 119 in a 65mph zone.

- Or as CNN reported the story: "Fox News Anchor Caught With Speed". 

*****

Malia Obama was seen making out with a guy and smoking a cigarette at a Yale football game. 

- Michelle is said to be outraged, and vowed to get the school's name changed to "Kale". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

A nearly unrecognizable 73-year-old Diana Ross shocked audiences with the bizarre get-up she wore to last night's American Music Awards. 

- This is what happens when you let Aretha Franklin pick out your hat.  

*****

Charles Manson died Sunday night of natural causes at the age of 83. 

- DON'T R.I.P. 

- As is fitting, Manson passed away surrounded by his Family. NOT. (They couldn't be there since they're all dead or in prison). 

*****

A second woman has come forward claiming that Al Franken grabbed her butt - this time when he was already a Senator. 

- Franklin refuses to resign saying, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

*****

Four more women have come forward accusing Bil Clinton of sexually assaulting them in the early 2000's.  In other D.C. news, the Secret Service arrested someone trying to climb over the WH fence this weekend. 

- So Bill won't stop jumping women, and Hillary won't stop trying to jump the fence to get into the Oval Office. 

*****

Starting today, kids who want to sit on Santa's Lap at Macy's in NYC can't just show up, they have to make an Appointment in advance. 

- On a bright note, kids can still bring their phones and take an Elfie with the big guy. 

*****

According to Good Housekeeping Mag, Black Friday isn't only the biggest shopping day of the year, it's also the busiest day for plumbers. 

- Well, first the turkey gets stuffed and then you do. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

TRUE STORY:  The trend this year is to CHARGE family members you invite over for Thanksgiving about $30 per person. 

- Nothing says "Norman Rockwell Holiday" like asking Grandma to pass the gravy and 30 bucks at the same time. 

*****

New research shows that due to ongoing Political tensions among family members, Americans are spending about 30 minutes less time with relatives on Thanksgiving Day. 

- Remember the good old days when all we argued about was who got the Wishbone? 

- Kim Jong Un will be eating alone since he's killed all his relatives. 

*****

The three UCLA basketball players who faced ten years in prison for shoplifting in China are back in the U.S. and have thanked President Trump for getting them released. 

- It's a good thing they did... or they never would have heard the end of it on Trump's Twitter feed. 

*****

According to a new study by the Journal Academia, boys get better grades when their classes have more girls in them. 

- Well yeah... that's more girls to cheat off of. 

*****

The city of Denver announced plans to build a 200mph hyperloop that will run around town. 

- Well Bully for them, but we've got the People Mover! 

*****

Another actress has come forward accusing Harvey Weinstein of "pleasuring himself" in front of her. 

- It's beginning to look like we owe Anthony Weiner an apology.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

People Magazine has named Country Superstar Blake Shelton their "Sexiest Man Alive of 2017".

- Once again, Kim Jong Un is robbed!

*****

Hackers in Britain are allegedly blackmailing the Royal Family over photographs they claim "prove" the Queen and her family have had plastic surgery. 

- The family is denying the claim saying "Have you taken a good look at Camilla lately???"

*****

A Harris poll found that 7 in 10 Americans would skip gift-giving for the holidays so they could spend money on activities with friends and family. 

- In Hollywood, the "activity" they want to spend cash on is "Hiring The Best Sexual Harassment Defense Attorney". 

*****

Alec Baldwin says President Trump deserves all the bashing people can throw at him. 

- Sounds like somebody's Saturday Night Live contract is up again. 

- Just an FYI... Alec is the guy who beats up people on the street and called his then 11 year old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little Pig". 

**********

Scientists say if you're trying to get someone to give you something, one of the best ways to do it is to give them something first. 

- The one exception is if the thing you give them is an STD.

*****

In his new book, singer Gene Simmons says that women aren't capable of having kids... and a career. 

- Well he can KISS his female fans goodbye. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Stove Top Stuffing has launched a pair of $20 unisex Thanksgiving Dinner Pants complete with a stuffing print stretchable belly waistband to allow for maximum Thanksgiving Dinner consumption. 

- They come in 3 sizes: Small, Medium and Michael Moore. 

*****

GQ Magazine has named Colin Kaepernick 2017's "Citizen of the Year". 

- Look for the issue next week at a News-Stand near you... or in this case, a "News Kneel". 

- In a related story, they named The Harvey Weinstein scandal "The Most Touching Story of the Year". 

*****

The world's first "Politically Motivated Hotel" will open in D.C. next year, designed to offer Liberals a "safe place" to stay with like-minded people and will even offer art supplies so guests can make protest signs. 

- Sleeping arrangements aren't very comfortable since the rooms only come with a Left side of the bed. 

- Repubs will stick with the Trump Hotel - or as some call it, "The Orange Roof Inn". 

*****

New guidelines have changed the threshold for High Blood Pressure from 140/90 to 130/80 - meaning 14% more Americans now have hypertension. 

- Doctors say patients should reduce salt intake, but more importantly, stop reading political rants on Facebook immediately. 

*****

Cryogenic scientists in Russia say they want to freeze people BEFORE before they die, so they have a better chance of bringing them back to life in the future. 

- Hey I grew up in Buffalo... being frozen when your alive is no news to me.

*****

A Dunkin Donuts worker is accused of selling heroin during his shifts.

- In honor of the Holidays, it was Pumpkin Spice heroin!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

According to former DNC chair Donna Brazille's new book, Hillary Clinton personally came up with the idea of having protestors dress up as Donald Duck to disrupt Trump rallies. 

- It makes sense since Donald Duck and Bill Clinton are known for Not wearing pants.

*****

A year ago today, millions of Americans woke up to find that Donald Trump had beaten Hillary Clinton to win the Presidency. 

- But thankfully Hillary voters have gotten over it and moved on with their lives. (Yeah, right)

*****

The Palm Springs, Calif., City Council elected transgender and bisexual members on Tuesday making the entire council LGBT.

- Not one straight member? What happened to DIVERSITY??? 

*****

Former President Obama reported for Jury duty yesterday and was selected for a trial. 

- Just for fun, he's gonna find the defendant guilty and then pardon him. 

*****

Kevin Spacey has been edited out of the movie, "All The Money In The World" and a Carol Burnett Tribute Special - both of which were already filmed and ready for release. 

- "I'm so Glad We Had This Time Together" said NONE of Spacey's accusers. EVER. 

*****

Pope Francis chastised his weekly audience in St. Peter's Sq. for using their smartphones during his sermon, telling them to lift up their hearts and not their cell phones. 

- When some parishioners refused, an exasperated Pope said "Fine! Wait 'til your Heavenly Father gets home!"

*****

It's "National Carl Sagan Day"! 

Unfortunately, there are BILLIONS and BILLIONS of kids who are too young to remember who he was. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Archeologists discovered an ancient exercise gym in Egypt. 

- The gym's slogan was "Power Walk Like An Egyptian!"

- I knew they invented the Food Pyramid, but I had no idea they worked out! 

- In a related story, a "Yoga in Your Toga" studio was unearthed in Rome, where Marc Antony worked out so he could impress Cleopatra with his "Six Pack Asps".

***** 

Twitter has made a major change - expanding it's character limit from 140 to 280 per Tweet. 

- And just like that, Donald Trump's workload is doubled... SAD! 

*****

A Neilsen survey found that NFL ratings are down 25% versus this time a year ago. 

- So apparently it's the fans - and not just the refs - who aren't watching the games. 

*****

Harvard University is hosting "Sex Week" featuring lectures including "Kink 101" and "Broadening Your Porn Horizons". 

- For the first time in school history, students are begging for MORE homework.

*****

In a new ESPN documentary, world famous wrestler Ric Flair claims that he's slept with more than 10,000 women. 

- Being wrestling and all, I'm bettin' this story is "Fake Nudes". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

It's official! Justin Verlander and Kate Upton tied the knot Saturday in Tuscany, Italy, just four days after the groom's World Series win. 

- Justin is said to be "over the Moon" and now has more rings than Saturn. 

- He may be an Astro... but Kate says he was still a Tiger on their Wedding Night. 

*****

Alec Baldwin announced that he is deleting his Twitter account... AGAIN... this time after facing backlash after he basically "blamed the victim" in the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal. 

- No more tweets from Alec??? Where are we supposed to get our news from now??? 

*****

Republican Sen. Rand Paul suffered five broken ribs while mowing his lawn after his anti-Trump neighbor attacked him from behind.  

- I would have thought he would have attacked him from the Left. 

*****

Anthony Weiner heads to prison today to begin serving his 21-month sentence for sexting with an underage girl.

- To borrow the Oscar Mayer song, everybody sing!  "Oh I'm glad I'm not that guy, Anthony Weiner. That is who I truly don't want to be... Cuz if I was that guy, Anthony Weiner... All the prisoners would be in love with me!"

*****

An expert with the American Society for Reproductive Medicine says men will be able to give birth to babies by the end of the year through "womb transplants". 

- I'm assuming their gonna have C-Sections or they're gonna have to have something else transplanted too. 

- So the next Baby Shower you attend might be at Hooters! 

*****

A study by Colombia University found that depression is on the rise among children. 

- Of course they're depressed. First Michele Obama took away their favorite foods, then the PC police took away their Halloween costumes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Just two months after being traded from the Tigers to the Astros, Justin Verlander has a World Series Ring with Houston beating the Dodgers in Game 7 last night, 5-1. And now insiders say Justin and Supermodel girlfriend Kate Upton will get married later this week in Italy. 

- So it has been, and will continue to be, a "Bada Bing! Bada Boom!" kinda week for Justin. 

- He's a pitcher not a runner, but it's a safe bet he'll be running the bases during his honeymoon. 

*****

The CIA released over 100,000 personal documents found in Osama Bin Laden's secret compound including home movies... but not his Porn collection because of "Copyright issues". 

- So if you want to see "Debbie Does Dubai", or "Behind The Green Burka" you're gonna have to rent 'em. 

*****

For a limited time, KFC's in Japan are offering chicken-leg shaped bars of soap that will leave you smelling like The Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices. 

- This is great news for people who have "Smelling like Fried Chicken" on their Bucket List. 

*****

In her new book, Democratic activist Donna Brazille claims that Hillary Clinton "Took control of the DNC a year before the election" and "Rigged the race against Bernie Sanders". 

- Don't tell me how it worked out. I haven't finished the book yet. 

*****

Two new studies found that people care more about dogs than they do their fellow humans, and would donate more to help a suffering pooch than a suffering man. 

- PETA says the results are "Spot On!" 

*****

A woman has accused Dustin Hoffman of groping her on a movie set back in the 80's. 

- It allegedly happened while she was auditioning for a "Tootsie" Role. 

*****

A new book claims that cereal maker John Kellogg thought sex was evil, never consumated his marriage,  and invented Corn Flakes because he thought they curbed sexual desire. 

- Sounds like Kellogg was a bit of a Fruit Loop.

- He also coined a phrase when he told his "sexually frustrated wife" to "Leggo my Eggo!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

The FBI has been brought in to investigate a couple who were having sex in their seats during a Delta flight from LA to Detroit over the weekend. 

- Passengers who witnessed it, say they now have tons of "emotional baggage"... which of course Delta is going to charge them for. 

- The man's tray table wasn't the only thing in it's full and upright position. 

*****

The Dodgers 3-1 win over the Astros last night has forced a decisive Game 7 tonight. Verlander pitched well, but came up short and took the loss in what has been a crazy World Series.

- The only thing crazier would be if the Tigers were one of the teams playing. 

*****

Serious XM announced that it will feature 8 different Holiday Music Channels... from Traditional to Pop to Country, with two of them launching today. 

- Nothing will motivate you to get that pumpkin off your porch like listening to "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". 

- The Country Christmas Channel will kick off it's programming with "I'll Be Home For Christmas... But My Ex Won't, Since She Ran Off With My Best Friend, My Pick Up Truck And My Dog". 

*****

The Senior VP of News at NPR has been put on leave after several women came forward with claims that he made unwanted advances and kissed them during job interviews. 

- But he said, "I'm no Harvey Weinstein... All Things Considered". 

*****

Meanwhile Harvey Weinstein told friends that he believes he was put on earth to be a "Martyr" and "Change the World" in regards to sexual harassment. 

- Harvey's not a "Martyr". He's a "Leper". 

*****

At a Halloween party over the weekend, Kim Kardashian dressed up as Cher with a friend dressed as Sonny Bono by her side. 

- Ironically, Cher dressed up like Kim, and a friend stood behind her dressed as Kim's butt. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

President Trump and Melania hosted a Halloween party for kids at the White House last night. 

- They carved pumpkins with the kids and handed out the usual goodies, but only if the kids said, "Trick or TWEET". 

- Nobody's gonna show up at Robert Mueller's house tonight... the only thing he's handing out is Supoenas. 

- Meanwhile, Bill Clinton just finished carving his annual Jack-O-Intern. 

*****

Candystore.com released the names of the most and least popular Halloween candies. The fav? Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The most disliked treat? Circus Peanuts. 

- FYI... Stop by the Purtan's tonight! Gail and I will be handing out our traditional ladles of piping hot Chunky Beef Soup! 

*****

Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that she's going to dress up as "The President" for Halloween. 

- Let it go Hillary. Let it go.

*****

Netflix has cancelled the hugely popular series "House of Cards" after it's star Kevin Spacey was accused of sexually assaulting an underage actor. 

- He'll be joining the cast of "The Walking Dead". 

*****

A second model is now accusing magician David Blane of groping her. 

- Blane's attorney admitted that the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat, but denied that he pulled anything out of his pants.

*****

Simon Cowell says that the fall he took down the stairs at his home last week was due to "low blood pressure". 

- One of his fellow judges said the "thud" Cowell made when he landed was "enthusiastic...but a little pitchy". 

*****

Have a Happy Halloween and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Tonight is Devil's Night! Or as Hillary Clinton calls it "Another Evening With Donald Trump as President".

*****

74-year-old Mick Jagger is reportedly "romancing" a 22-year-old film producer. 

- For example, Friday he showed up at her apartment with flowers and chocolate. The chocolate was actually Ex-Lax, but it's the thought that counts, right? 

*****

A study by the University of Connecticut found that people who smoke marijuana every day have 20% more sex.  

- No wonder Willie Nelson looks so tired all the time. 

*****

Chinese scientists believe that if Kim Jong Un explodes one more hydrogen bomb inside the mountain he uses to test them, it could destroy the mountain and leak radiation across the border. 

- Why can't Kim be like most 30-year-olds who live in their parents' basements playing video games??? 

*****

A driver has been banned from the Iditarod Dog Sled Race after several of his dogs tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. 

- Officials caught on when they overheard one of the dogs saying, "This is some good Shit Tzu". 

*****

A man who worked to repair homes damaged by Hurricane Harvey has contracted a flesh eating bacteria. 

- And hundreds of women who met with Harvey Weinstein have contracted an STD. 

*****

Have a great day... a BIG Happy Birthday to Daughter #3, Jill... and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick