Las Vegas tourism increased 63% in the city's first weekend of selling recreational marijuana. 

- Instead of telling Black Jack dealers to "Hit Me"... people are now begging their dealer for "A Hit". 

- So now, "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" because nobody can remember anything that happened while they were there. 

*****

North Korea successfully launched an ICBM that has a range capable of reaching Alaska. 

- Sarah Palin said the news was alarming, but added that if it ever happens, she'll be able to see the missile from her house!

*****

Meanwhile President Trump trashed Kim Jong Un for the launch, Tweeting "Doesn't this guy have anything better to do with his life?"

- Well, he doesn't really have anybody to hang with since he killed everyone in his family and has whacked his "most trusted advisors". 

*****

Chris Christie was criticized after lounging with his family on a NJ Beach that he had closed to the public due to a budget crisis. 

- The worst part for Christie was when a marine biologist mistook him for a beached whale and attempted to roll him back into the water. 

*****

Trump is headed to Europe to meet with foreign leaders including Vladimir Putin. 

- CNN is calling the trip "National Lampoon's European Vacation starring Donald Trump as Clark Griswold". 

*****

On his new album, rapper Jay-Z revealed that his mom is a lesbian. 

- What a great son... He calls, he writes, he Outs his Mom!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Happy 241st Birthday to the The USA! As you celebrate with family and friends, I hope you'll take a moment to remember how fortunate we all are to live in this Great Country. To help you, I've included some music apropos for today... and everyday!

-Dick

President Trump went after the co-host's of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" for trash talking him, referring to them as "Psycho Joe" and "Crazy Low IQ Mika".

- "Little Marco" Rubio, "Crooked Hillary" Clinton, and "Lyin' Ted" Cruz were unavailable for comment.

- I'm not sure if this story came out of the White House or Junior High School. 

*****

Although he supported Hillary in 2016, Jeff Bridges says he now supports President Trump and hopes he "does well by our country". 

- To recap that story... Jeff Bridges will NEVER be cast in another Hollywood film again. Ever. 

*****

A New York Man was arrested for watching Porn at a McDonald's.

- Now we know how the "Happy Meal" got it's name. 

*****

Kris Jenner says she was with Nicole Brown Simpson when Nicole bought OJ the gloves he later wore when he killed her. 

- Meanwhile Caitlyn Jenner says she was shopping with OJ at the Commissary when The Juice bought the dress he'll wear to the prison's upcoming "Spring Formal". 

*****

John McEnroe told PBS Serena Williams is the "Greatest FEMALE tennis player of All-Time" but added that if she played Men's tennis "she'd be like 700th". When Serena lashed out, he said her pregnancy has made her "Hysterical". 

- He can't be serious, man. He CANNOT BE SERIOUS! 

*****

A 19 year old man is in police custody after selling 18 fake tickets to Disneyworld to a family of tourists. 

- Sounds like somebody just got himself a "Fast-Pass" to the Big House. 

- Living in a cell is going to give him a whole new meaning to "It's a Small World After all". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

A Mastiff named Martha has been crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog of 2017.

- She celebrated in the traditional way... barking, wagging her tail and rubbing her butt across the carpet. (Personally I think she's kind of a looker!)

*****

Speaking of dogs... Kim Jong Un ghost-wrote an Op-Ed piece comparing Donald Trump to Hitler. 

- Well isn't that the Pot-Bellied-Dictator calling the Kettle black.

*****

A Broadway adaptation of George Orwell's "1984" is causing anti-Trump audience members to "faint, throw up and scream". 

- The last time a Broadway show had that effect was when Michael Moore starred in "Oh! Calcutta!"

*****

President Trump called out the New York Times - again - for being "Liars" and writing more "Fake News" when they claimed he doesn't understand the Senate's health care bill. 

- I don't think ANYONE understands the Senate's health care bill... including the Senate.  

*****

If cash-strapped Illinois doesn't approve a new budget by Friday, the State will suspend the sales of Powerball and Mega Millions lottery tix because they can't afford the payouts. 

- And just like that, millions of people's "Retirement Plans" may go out the window. 

*****

Long walks are known to improve moods and reduce anxiety, but the benefits are enhanced if the walks take place outdoors instead of in a gym, according to a new study out of Austria.

- So the Von Trapp kids wouldn't have looked nearly as happy escaping from Austria if they'd been singing "Climb Every Mountain" on a treadmill.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Bernie Sanders and his wife are being investigated by the FBI for alleged financial improprieties to the tune of several million dollars. 

- No one is sure what they spent the money on, but it's a safe bet it wasn't a hair stylist for Bernie. 

*****

Apple's iPhone turns 10 this week. 

- They were going to celebrate with fireworks, but they didn't want to look too much like Samsung. 

*****

Not only is Bill Cosby headed to California to face another sexual assault trial, but new documents show he spent hundred of thousands of dollars betting on NFL games. 

- He was always looking for his "Dream" Team... kind of like his dates. 

*****

A new study in China found that employees who ride their bikes to work are much less stressed at the beginning of their shifts. 

- Especially the ones who still have the training wheels on. 

- And they're even more stress-free after they have a Juice Box and take their 11am nap. 

*****

Charlie Sheen is selling Babe Ruth's 1927 World Series Ring in hopes of getting $600,000 for it. 

- Put another way, Charlie needs cash to get enough Coke for his 4th of July BBQ. 

*****

A Kentucky town has elected a Dog as Mayor for the fourth time. 

- His campaign slogan was "Make America a Great Dane Again". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

At 12:24 EST this morning, Summer got underway. And that can only mean one thing: BLACK SOCKS & SANDAL SEASON HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN!!!!! 

*****

A new British study shows that married men weigh more than single guys... and tend to pack on those pounds after saying "I Do", plus after their wives give birth. 

- I know after Gail delivered each of our six girls... it took me MONTHS to get rid of those last few Pregnancy Pounds!

*****

O.J. Simpson's parole hearing has been set for July 20th... and if he prevails, he could be out of the hoosegow by October 1st. 

- He was hoping to get out by September 1st so he can get a spot of the next season of "Dancing With The Stars".

- OJ said that if he's released, he vows to spend the rest of his life looking for the real White House leaker. 

*****

The CEO  of Hasbro toys, whose brands include Star Wars, My Little Pony and G.I. Joe says they've "eliminated Gender" from their toys.  

- I speak on behalf of "boys" everywhere when I say I'm just glad Hasbro doesn't make "Barbie". 

*****

58-year-old Madonna has broken up with her 26-year-old dancer boyfriend and is now dating a 31-year-old model. 

- Apparently, she's developed a thing for "Older Men".  

*****

A new Global Study found that anxiety levels in Americans are rising faster than citizens of any other country in the world. 

- I have to admit that statistic makes me a little bit nervous. 

*****

The Winklevoss Brothers, who co-created Facebook with Mark Zuckerburg, have backed out of a deal to invest in a marijuana delivery startup.  

- Apparently they just weren't that high on the idea. 

- The last time they got stoned, they let Zuckerberg steal Facebook right out from under their noses. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Medical Marijuana isn't just for humans anymore... Dogs, cats, lizards, turtles... even farm animals... are being given Cannabis to treat everything from arthritis to anxiety. 

- Cats who take it are still bitchy... but in a more laid back way. 

- The weed worked so well on one Turtle's anxiety that he actually came out of his shell. 

*****

It's National Selfie Day... 

- Or as Anthony Weiner calls it, "Flag Day!" 

*****

Amazon is denying reports that after buying Whole Foods, they'll make changes to make the chain more like Walmart. 

- First up: Gluten Free Stretch Pants.

*****

In the Southwestern parts of the United States, airlines have cancelled hundreds of flights because it's too hot to fly!   

- It's so bad United has been forced to start dragging passengers off chairs in the TERMINAL. 

*****

A CBS poll found that 73% of Americans believe that political discussions in this country are becoming more uncivil. 

- The other 27% don't have Facebook accounts. 

*****

Bill O'Reilly says he's thinking about starting his own TV network to compete with Fox News. 

- I think he might have hit on something! And we're not just talking female reporters. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

I hope everyone had a terrific Father's Day! I had a great day with Gail, our 6 girls, their husbands and the grandkids. My daughter Julie's 5 year old son Brayden entertained us all by asking our Amazon Echo "Alexa" approximately a million questions including, "Alexa, who is Scooby Doo's best friend?" and "Alexa, what time is it on Mars?". I had to shut him down when he asked "Alexa... How old is my Grandpa?". 

*****

The Cosby Case ended in a mistrial over the weekend after the Jury said they were hopelessly deadlocked. 

- A happy Cosby said he was looking forward to getting his first good night's sleep in a long time. You know... the kind of night's sleep his dates got. 

*****

An AmeriSleep survey found that the secret to happiness is getting exactly 7 hours and 6 minutes of sleep a night. 

- Great... now I'm gonna be up all night worrying that I'll wake up at the 7 hour and 5 minute mark. 

*****

Courts across the country have begun allowing children to have 3 legal parents - for instance a Lesbian couple where one of the women is impregnated with the genetic material of a male friend. 

- And just like that... Ancestry.com exploded. 

*****

Dennis Rodman is selling T-Shirts emblazoned with the words "Ambassador Rodman" so he can "save the world". The t-shirts costs $24.99. 

- They come in Small, Medium, Large, and Kim Jong Un-Fat. 

*****

"Captain Underpants" had a huge opening weekend at the Box Office. 

- Just to be clear... "Captain Underpants" is a kids movie, NOT Anthony Weiner's latest Twitter name. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

For his 71st Birthday yesterday, his wife Melania gave President Trump balloons and a gift. 

- She wanted to get him something that leaked less than his White House Staff so she got him a Spaghetti Strainer. 

*****

Former President Jimmy Carter personally greeted every single passenger on a recent flight from Atlanta to Washington. 

- He got the idea from Bill Clinton who personally greeted every single flight attendant. 

*****

In a video honoring a longtime female friend and donor, Hillary Clinton compared herself to "Wonder Woman". 

- But she left out the part where "Wonder Woman" manages to lose the Presidency after an epic battle with "The Joker". 

*****

An concert goer threw a bottle of water at Justin Beiber when he refused to sing the fan's favorite song. 

- Justin was furious. If you're gonna throw a beverage at him, he wants it to be a bottle of vodka. 

*****

Ireland has elected its first Gay Prime Minister. 

- He says his first official act will be to replace his Cabinet... with something more contemporary from IKEA. 

*****

A study by MIT found that 98% of college students would give away a friend's private email info in exchange for free pizza. 

- In their defense, the students said they'd only sell out their friends if the pizza had extra cheese and at least two toppings. 

*****

Samsung is set to release the all-new Galaxy8 model with new, innovative features. 

- Execs hope it will really catch fire with people bored with their iPhones. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

It's June 14th... FLAG DAY! And also my oldest daughter Jennifer's Birthday! Happy Birthday to the First of the Six J's!

*****

Donald Trump turns 71 today...

- 71 is also the number of Tweets he'll send out today wishing himself a Happy Birthday. 

*****

Democratic Senator Diane Feinstein wants an independant probe into Loretta Lynch's handling of the Hillary Clinton Investigation. 

- Can you say CAT FIGHT???  

*****

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is taking a leave of absence. 

- His replacement will be arriving in 7 minutes in a blue Ford Focus. 

*****

A Rasumussen Poll found that 62% of Americans believe in Life after Death. 

- But only 43% believe in life after the Trump-Comey Death Match. 

*****

A Stanford study found that people are 25% more likely to choose vegetables when they're given seductive names. 

- Because nothing is sexier than "Deep-Fried Kale". 

*****

ABC is reviving "Roseanne" to tackle the Trump presidency. 

- And next Fall, CBS will revive "The Big Bang Theory" to tackle the Clinton presidency. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea for what some say is more Basketball Diplomacy with his "good friend" Kim Jong Un. 

- But Rodman claims he just wanted to surprise KJU when he graduates from Middle School later this week. 

*****

The Jury in the Bill Cosby trial heads into Day Two of deliberations today, after Cosby's attorney stunned the courtroom by resting the defense case after just 6 minutes. 

- To be fair, his attorney had to rush, since Cosby had slipped the Jurors "a little something to help them relax" during deliberations. 

*****

According to the LGBTQ Representation and Rights Initiative, at least 20 transgender candidates are currently running for office across the U.S.

- Just what this country needs... more politicians who "Flip-Flop". 

*****

A new survey found that more and more Americans are "Phubbing" their significant others. Phubbing is when you look at your phone and ignore your date.  

- I miss the good old days when people just did that by staring at the TV. 

*****

A study by the New England Journal of Medicine found that 2 Billion people in the world are obese. 

- Put another way, that's 1,999,999,999 people plus Michael Moore. 

*****

A North Carolina female high school teacher was arrested for having sex with three of her male students. 

- She actually had sex with dozens of students, but only three of them agreed to press charges. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Saturday marked the one year Anniversary of the death of Gordie Howe. Ironically, I was going through some old family photos over the weekend, and came across this shot of Gordie and my wife Gail. He always adored her. 

*****

Sponsors are pulling their funding for NYC's "Shakespeare in the Park" production of "Julius Caesar" which features a Donald Trump look-a-like as Caesar who is stabbed to death on stage. 

- Producers say the idea to use the President came from a Ms. K. Griffin. 

- With Trump's hair, I'm amazed they didn't call it "Orange Julius Caesar". 

*****

Producers of the reality show "Bachelor in Paradise" which reunites rejects from past seasons of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette". 

- Why is it my FAVORITE TV shows always get yanked off the air??? 

*****

Cher announced that she will produce and star in a Broadway musical based on her life. 

- The working title is "I Got A Plastic Surgeon, Babe". 

*****

A woman in Waco, Texas called 911 to report that her Chicken McNuggets weren't being cooked fast enough. Two officers were sent to handle the "emergency". 

- I don't know which part is more unbelievable... The Wacko in Waco or the fact that Police were actually sent to the scene. 

*****

DoSomething.org says 40 percent of teens are ‘sexting’.

- Half of the teens are sexting each other, the other half are sexting with Anthony Weiner.

*****

RIP Actor Adam West, TV's Batman and Actress Glenn Headly, whose credits include a role in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels", one of my favorite movie comedies. Both passed away over the weekend. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Two big Courtroom Dramas today... James Comey and Bill Cosby. To be honest, I don't know which of the two is more Bizarre. 

*****

 Uber has fired 20 executives over sexual harassment claims. 

- On the bright side, they've all been hired by Fox News. 

*****

The CDC is warning people who keep poultry as pets to "stop cuddling with their chickens" to prevent the spread of Salmonella. 

- If you need the Centers for Disease Control to tell you to stop canoodling with your pet chicken, you may have bigger things to worry about than Salmonella. 

*****

Tom Cruise has announced that he will star in the long awaited sequel to his 1986 hit movie, "Top Gun". 

- The movie will be rated "S"... which means to buy a ticket you have to be a Scientologist.

*****

A student at Harvard who wrote and submitted a Rap Album as his Senior Thesis has received an "A". 

- If you follow this line of reasoning, Kanye West is basically a Valedictorian. 

*****

George Clooney and his wife Amal announced the birth of their twins Ella and Alexander yesterday. 

- I miss the old days when celebrities gave their kids old fashioned names like "Apple" and "Blue Ivy". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Jerry Seinfeld has come to the defense of Kathy Griffin after her ISIS-like Donald Trump video, saying "She made a bad joke. I don't understand the big deal". 

- I never thought I'd say this, but I think Jerry might be suffering from Brain Shrinkage! Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.  

*****

According to a new report, James Comey told Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he "didn't want to be left alone" with President Trump after meeting with him in February. 

- I think Comey had Trump confused with Bill Cosby. 

*****

Chinese Government officials announced that they will send a man to the moon "in the near future". 

- Awesome! If they can do it by 2019... they can put up some 50th anniversary balloons where Apollo 11 landed in 1969! 

*****

A new study out of Michigan State University found that that friendships are more important to happiness than your family members because you pick your friends. 

- That explains why you always hear about Kim Jong Un whacking his Aunts and Uncles, but never his frat brothers from Communist U. 

*****

Talk about the "Cable Guy!"... The CEO of Comcast was the 6th highest paid exec of 2016, earning 33 Million. 

- But to be fair, he blew through about half of that when he added the HBO and NFL packages. 

- Jobs like his are In Demand, I mean ON Demand. 

*****

A Syracuse, NY man is was arrested for identity theft after stealing $3.5 Million dollars in City Funds to buy tickets to NFL games around the country. 

- If he thought he saw a lot of guys patting each other on the butt during the huddles, just wait until he gets to prison. 

- And he's going to the be the receiver of a lot of completed passes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Welcome to a brand new week and Podcast #218! Today our good friend - the always entertaining Tom DeLisle joins Jackie and me at the Purtan Dining Room Table for a spirited discussion about a whole boatload of topics... Right up to the moment the equipment malfunctioned and cut us off at the 34 minute mark. Apparently the computer decided that we had talked enough! Hopefully you'll find it more entertaining than the recording software did... 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

In a speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton blamed Russia & Facebook (among others) for her election loss. President Trump swiftly responded:  "Crooked Hillary Clinton now blames everybody but herself, refuses to say she was a terrible candidate".

- Would someone please wake me up when the election is over! Oh... wait... 

In response, Clinton posted a mocking Tweet reading: “People in covfefe houses shouldn’t throw covfefe.” 

- He tweeted back: "Hillary, Did you forget that I actually live in a White House??? Sad!!!" 

*****

President Trump is expected to announce whether or not the US will stay with the multi-nation pact on Climate Change, agreed to by former Prez Obama. 

- Aides say Trump checked the weather twice this morning and didn't notice much of a change, so chances are good we'll be pulling out. 

*****

United Airlines is facing a $435,000 fine after flying a Boeing 787 that may have been unsafe nearly two dozen times on domestic and international flights in 2014.

- But on the bright side, they didn't drag one single passenger off any of those unsafe flights. 

*****

Scientists say machines with Artificial Intelligence will be better at writing high-school essays by 2026, driving a truck by 2027, and working in retail by 2031.

- The "retail" thing would have come sooner, but they're having a hard time teaching the robots to be rude to customers. 

*****

The Mayor of Denver arranged for a Drone to deliver doughnuts to the Police Department yesterday. 

- Unfortunately none of the cops where there to enjoy them as they were all at the Doughnut Shop. 

*****

China has shut down a popular dating app for Lesbians. 

- It was called eHer-mony.com 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump ignited a social media firestorm just after midnight when he Tweeted: "Despite the constant negative press covfefe", leaving millions of people trying to figure out what a "covfefe" is. 

- Democrats claim it's a Russian word meaning "My son-in-law Jared was deeply involved with Putin hacking the election". 

*****

A Gallup poll found that 42% of Americans don't get enough sleep. 

- The other 58% don't stay up waiting to read Trump's latest Tweet.

*****

Huma Abedin has reportedly rekindled her romance with her estranged husband Anthony Weiner, despite his history of sexting pics of himself to numerous women. 

- Good to see things are looking up for Weiner. 

*****

Comedian Kathy Griffin says she "went to far" when she posted a video of herself holding a mock-up of Trumps head, covered in blood, in and ISIS-like photo. Experts say she could be arrested for threatening the life of the President. 

- This is the most un-funny thing Kathy's done since every appearance she's ever made on CNN's New Year's Eve Show with Cooper Anderson. 

*****

Openly Trump-Hostile Scott Pelley is out as the anchor of the CBS Evening News after consistently losing to ABC and NBC in the ratings.

- Former NBC Anchor Brian Williams said he feels bad for Scott, whom he has been friends with "since I helped him make it out of the Hindenburg alive". 

*****

After 12 years of marriage,Vili Fualaau has filed for legal separation from his wife and former sixth-grade teacher Mary Kay Letourneau, who began an affair with him when he was her 13 year old student. 

- Letourneau insists they're not getting divorced... she's just putting him in a "Time Out". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

ESPN is taking heat for photo shopping Tiger's rather unflattering DUI mugshot to make his balding, messy hair look better.

- Nick Nolte was like, "Hello? Where were you people when I was arrested???" 

*****

Monday night, Tiger apologized to his fans for his Memorial Day DUI arrest, blaming it on an "unexpected reaction" to pain meds NOT alcohol... which was just confirmed by police blood tests. 

- Tiger's current and former girlfriends have offered their support... all 3,457 of them. 

*****

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg told Harvard grads that the Government should provide everyone with a basic income so they have a safety net to "experiment in life". 

- Okay Mark, you go first. 

- Maybe Zuckerberg should "experiment" with creating a tree that actually grows money so that he could pay for that. 

*****

Japan announced they will join forces with the US to stop North Korea's nuke program, meanwhile Kim Jong Un promised a "Gift Package" for the United States. 

- I don't think KJU realizes that the gift would be returned... even if he doesn't include the receipt. 

*****

In a commencement address at Brown University, Robert DeNiro said that 'in movie terms' the US was once an 'an inspiring, uplifting drama' but now is nothing but a 'tragic dumbass comedy.'

- You know, it used to be like "Meet The Fockers" and now it's more like "Little Fockers".  

- Trump immediately Tweeted "YOU TALKIN' TO ME??? SAD!!!" 

*****

A robot called "Bot Dylan" was able to write music after analyzing 23,000 folk songs. 

- Which finally answers the question, "How many songs must a robot analyze... before he can write one of it's own?" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Each Memorial Day, for the last many years that I was on the radio, I would read a poem on the air called "The Inscription". 

It was sent to me by an Ohio listener named Paul Reside and was written by Paul's Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, who composed it in 1932. 

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier, and was published by the Perry County Ohio newspaper on what was then called "Decoration Day". 

On this Memorial Day, as we remember those who have given their lives in the cause of Freedom, I hope you will enjoy my reading of the poem from the radio show, which you can hear by clicking on the link below. 

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones  (1:52)

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

P.S. Here are three songs that I find appropriate to play today… 

"God Bless America" - Sandy Patty 

"The Star Spangled Banner" - Whitney Houston 

"God Bless The USA" - Lee Greenwood