A Whole Lotta Stuffing

On Thursday, President Obama will continue the long-standing Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning a Turkey. 

- Let's just hope it's not Kwame Kilpatrick. 

*****

The cost of making a Thanksgiving dinner will rise to an all time high this year, largely because of an increase in the cost of Turkeys.  

- A lot of people are switching to ham this year...not because of the cost, but because they've had their fill of Turkeys watching the Presidential debates. 

*****

The US State Department has issued a Worldwide Travel Alert for Americans due to fears of more terrorist attacks. 

- On the bright side, this makes a great excuse if you're trying to get out of going to Scranton to spend Thanksgiving weekend with your in-laws. 

*****

To better serve Americans, The Butterball Turkey Hot Line, which is open to help cooks during the holidays, now features Spanish speaking experts. 

- If they really want to help, they'd hire some experts who speak Syrian. 

*****

Charlie Sheen announced that he's writing a tell-all memoir. 

- Oh sure, NOW he decides to "tell all". 

*****

A Pregnancy First study found that drinking coffee during pregnancy does not affect a baby's IQ. 

- But drinking martini's will increase your chances of getting pregnant in the first place.

*****

Singer Carly Simon claims that Sean Connery once asked her and her sister Lucy to have a menage a trios. Carly said no but her sister did sleep with him. 

- Apparently her sister wrote "Nobody Does It Better". 

- Bill Clinton's so vain, he probably thought this story was about him. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Hair, There & Everywhere

A new Bloomberg poll found that Americans are equally as excited about the Political Caucuses and the release of the new Star Wars Movie. 

- Both contain epic battles and, if Chris Christie stays in the race, an appearance by Jabba the Hutt. 

- Chewbacca and Donald Trump have a lot in common...but Chewie has better hair. 

*****

Bernie Sanders and Prince Charles both told interviewers that the Syrian Refugee Crisis and recent Terrorist attacks are the direct result of Climate Change. 

- Apparently "Climate Change" is the hot new term for "ISIS".

*****

A videotape has reportedly surfaced showing Charlie Sheen smoking crack and then having sex...with a man. 

- This could really hurt Charlie's reputation. 

*****

The new "Female Viagra" drug comes with a warning that it can cause nausea, dizziness and fainting. 

- Drinks served by Bill Cosby come with the exact same warnings. 

*****

A General Social Survey found that married couples who have sex once a week are the happiest. 

- Critics are slamming the results claiming there are no married couples who actually have sex once a week.

*****

After moving Black Friday to Thursday, Walmart has announced that they'll start Cyber Monday on Sunday. 

- If they want to make people really happy, how about moving Spring to January. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #180: "A Thanksgiving Gab & Gobble Fest"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #180. With just days left until Thanksgiving, Jackie and I feast on a cornucopia of topics including: 

- My days at CKLW...and how one National Radio Consultant is still encouraging his clients today to use what he considers my "formula" for success.  

- ISIS: The recent wave of terrorist attacks and my take on what we're really up against. 

- Some things I believe we need to do to keep this country more secure. 

- Some acting tips from John Wayne and Henry Fonda.

- And a lighter note... What's on the menu for the Purtan Thanksgiving Dinner!

So grab onto your giblets Pilgrim, and join us at the family dining room table for Podcast #180.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

It's World Toilet Day

For those of you who thought the world was going to hell in a hand basket, it turns out it's going someplace else instead.

*****

Six of Charlie Sheen's sex partners have already filed a suit against him for failing to tell them that he has HIV. 

- If everyone he's slept with sues, this is going to be the largest Class Action Lawsuit in history. 

*****

David Hasselhoff announced that he's changing his name to David Hoff. 

- This is the biggest news to come out of Hollywood since Kanye West announced he's running for President. 

*****

President Obama told GQ magazine he plans to make gun control his signature issue of 2016. 

- The rest of us are planning to make the fight against ISIS our signature issue of 2016.

- He plans on having a beer summit with the head of the NRA. Actually, they'll be serving Colt 45. 

*****

Accroding to a new survey, 25% of British men believe that they have "Man-Periods" every month, and complain of PMS symptoms including bloating, mood swings and weight gain. 

- Just wait until they go through Men-o-pause. 

- Poor Caitlyn Jenner. Talk about a double-whammy. 

*****

A survey found that 61% of companies expect to hire more employees next year. 

- Which is great news, especially if you know how to speak Syrian. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Not So Hap-Pee About Santa

A New Jersey shopping mall is charging kids $50 to sit on Santa's lap.

- And for $75 dollars, the kids' Dads can get Santa's Helper "Mistletoe" to give them a lap dance. 

- Remember the good old days when your kids could sit on Santa's lap and wet their pants for free? 

*****

Soccer star David Beckham has been named People magazine's "Sexist Man Alive" for 2015. 

- Meanwhile "Oppressed People Magazine" chose Kim Jong Un as it's "Sexist Dictator Alive" for the 5th year running. 

*****

Bill Clinton will be on the campus of MSU tonight to deliver a speech on Public Service. 

- And if anybody knows about being serviced by the public, it's Bill Clinton. 

*****

The CIA now believes that ISIS planned the Paris Attacks on a Playstation 4. 

- They're now looking for two additional suspects known only as "Mario" and "Luigi". 

*****

Between 11am and 3pm tomorrow, people in and around Detroit can order a flu shot which will be delivered to their homes by Uber within 10 minutes for just 10 bucks. 

- This is a change for Uber which usually delivers PEOPLE to their homes after they've had too many Shots.

*****

The Oxford English Dictionary has named "Emoji" as their word of the year. 

- The news was greeted by hundreds of thousands of Happy Faces on Twitter. 

*****

Taco Bell announced that by the end of 2016, they'll use only "cage free" eggs in their breakfast wraps. 

- The move is in line with the "meat free meat" they've been serving in their Tacos since they opened in 1962.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

All You Need Is Love?

Madonna has weighed in on the attacks in Paris by saying that we should Love terrorists into submission. 

- Okay... I say she goes first. 

- Apparently her plan is to weaken the jihadists by giving them all STD's. 

*****

The price of Turkey is expected to increase by 40% this Thanksgiving because of a bird-flu outbreak. 

- If the turkeys had just listened to their doctors and gotten their flu shots. 

*****

Yogi Berra made the list of 17 people who will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom later this month. 

- Wasn't it Yogi who said, "If you live long enough, you're bound to be given an award posthumously"? (Okay...he didn't really say that, but you gotta admit it sounds like he did!)

*****

According to news reports, if Chris Christie doesn't fare well in the first two primaries, in min-January he will quit the race... 

- ...along with his Diet!

*****

Australia has started rationing baby food because China has been buying up large quantities. 

- I guess the little ones are just like the rest of us... they eat Chinese baby food and want more an hour later. 

- Apparently Mom's in China are packing their babies lunches before sending them off to their factory jobs. 

*****

Scientists in England believe that people who spend too much time in front of the computer suffer from "Cyber Sickness".

- You can see if you're suffering symptom by checking WebMd. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

The Lions Win IN Green Bay!!!

Our Hearts and Prayers go out to the victims and families of the horrific terrorist attacks in Paris. 

*****

And the World goes on...

The Lions beat the Packers 18-16 in Green Bay for the first time since 1991. To put that in perspective, in 1991, George H.W. Bush was President, Coleman Young was the Mayor, The Tonight Show was hosted by Johnny Carson, and Bill Cosby was "America's Favorite TV Father"...as opposed to Molester.  

U of M beat Indiana 48-41 in double overtime bringing their record to 8-2. 

And Peyton Manning broke the NFL's all-time passing record...and then was promptly benched for giving up 4 interceptions. 

*****

A new website called the Breakup Shop will dump your girlfriend or boyfriend for $10. 

- Why not just be adult about it and break up with them by text? 

*****

A Scottish official who oversaw the removal of the country's public toilets was arrested for relieving himself on a public street. 

- So basically he got arrested because he did such a good job. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #179: "The Art Of Capturing Radio On Video"

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #179. Jackie's off recovering from surgery, but I welcome a special guest today - Art Vuolo aka "Radio's Best Friend" - the man who put Radio on Video. Art will soon have an exhibit at the National Radio Hall of Fame in Chicago dedicated exclusively to him and his preservation of the history of today and yesterday's Radio by capturing it all on Video. 

Art and I share radio stories involving some of your favorite Detroit radio names...and I'll explain how I ended up on the National Radio Hall of Fame Honor Roll just above Ronald Reagan and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. 

So throw some logs on and join us for a "Fireside Chat" about all things Radio...and Video! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

A Not-So-Smart Phone User

The selfie a man took of himself in the delivery room while his wife was trying to give birth has gone viral, upsetting some people who say he should have been supporting her. 

- His wife was mad at first, but when push came to shove, she forgave him. 

- The father says when he looked closer at the pic, he realized his wife's expression was the same one she had during the conception. 

*****

Hillary Clinton's campaign is laughing off speculation by Donald Trump that her new poofy hairdo is actually a wig. 

- Call me crazy...but I thought it was the other way around. 

*****

 The United State Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders for President. 

- It's not that they like him, they're just mad that Hillary sends so many secret emails, she hasn't bought a stamp since 2007. 

*****

Several well known Olive Oil producers in Italy are under fire for passing off regular Virgin Olive Oil for the more expensive Extra Virgin. 

- There hasn't been this much uproar over claims of Virginity since Madonna released her second album. 

- Jihadists are using the scandal to recruit more suicide bombers, claiming now, if they blow themselves up, they'll get 72 EXTRA Virgin Virgins. 

*****

A CNN poll found that 65% percent of voters in New Jersey want their Governor Chris Christie out of the Presidential race. 

- And 95% want him barred from all-you-can-eat buffets because he holds up the line. 

*****

In the new PC Star Wars movie, Princess Leia is referred to as "General" instead of "Princess". 

- The "Death Star" also features Unisex bathrooms so the characters can use it whether they have a light saber or not. 

- Writers cancelled their plans to reveal that Darth Vader was actually gay by having him say, "Luke...You Have Two Fathers". 

*****

A British study says that if you have fit legs, you also have a fit brain. 

- Huh??

- Then how do you explain the saddle bags on my brain? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Veterans Day 2015

I believe the quote above says it beautifully. To all of our Veterans...we not only Salute You, but Thank You, for your service and the sacrifices you and your families made for our great country. 

***** 

The National Weather Service has issued a High Wind Alert for much of Southeast Michigan...with the possibility of wind gusts up to 50mph. 

- They issued the alert early this morning, but it actually started right before last night's Presidential Debate. 

*****

Speaking of the debate... Donald Trump was booed by the audience when he jumped in and asked the moderators about Carly Fiorina, "Why does she keep interrupting everyone?". 

- Fiorina did a good job of saving face... but of course Trump has a problem with that too. 

*****

President Obama officially joined Facebook on Monday, with a post that began "Hello Facebook! I finally have my very own page!"

- You'd better hit the "Like" button or you can expect a visit from the IRS. 

*****

Sea World announced that they're ending their Orca shows. 

- Meanwhile ABC announced that they are ending talks to have Rosie O'Donnell rejoin "The View". 

*****

The North Korean Government announced that Kim Hong Un's top assistant has died at age 42 of "natural causes". 

- Apparently he had a heart attack right before the Firing Squad took him down. 

*****

The FCC says that equal time laws require NBC to give 12 minutes and 5 seconds of air time to all  of the Republican Presidential candidates since that's the amount of time Donald Trump spent as guest host of SNL. 

- They didn't need to make the rule for Democrats since NBC gives those candidates air time 24/7. 

- Jeb Bush and Chris Christie will both appear on "The Biggest Loser"... but for different reasons. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Painting By Poll Numbers

Ben Carson is being mocked for having a portrait of himself and Jesus hanging in his home. 

- Meanwhile Donald Trump posted a selfie on Instagram with the hashtag "I'm God". 

*****

In his new book, Former President George H.W. Bush takes shots at his son's Vice President Dick Cheney. 

- Usually Dick Cheney is the one taking shots at people. 

*****

A new report found that Hillary Clinton has the highest percentage of fake Twitter followers of all the Presidential Candidates. 

- And lately even her fake followers have started to demand answers about the whole email thing. 

*****

A Massachusetts jury awarded $100,000 in damages to a man who was fired from his job as a barber because he's blind. 

- And to think Kim Jong Un's barber is still employed. 

*****

A Vault.Com survey found that 95% of Americans think office flings are okay. 

- Another survey found that Bill Clinton thinks Oval Office flings are amazing. 

*****

Jerry Seinfeld told a group of reporters that he believes talking has become obsolete. 

- Which is going to make doing Stand-Up pretty challenging. 

- On the bright side, "Charades" is set to make a big comeback!

*****

Police on the East Coast are looking for a man who tied a woman to some railroad tracks.

- After calling in a sketch artist, they realized the suspect was a Mr. S. Whiplash. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #178: "This Won't Hurt A Bit"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #178...Today Jackie and I sit down at the Purtan Dining room table for a rather revealing conversation including: 

- Jackie's upcoming surgery... We'll tell you why she's going "under the knife". 

- A story about my trip to the Cider Mill involving Donuts, an ATM, and a fan of my radio show. (I think).

- The search for my friend Gary Smith. 

- And Jackie's son Charlie's 8th grade trip to Washington, D.C. and how it brought out some classic 14 year old boys' behavior. 

So join us for Podcast #178... You won't even need anesthetic, I promise.  (27:35)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

Eight ISN'T Enough?

Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend are expecting their first child together. Eddie already has 8 eight kids from previous relationships. 

- They're making a movie about Eddie called "Beverly Hills Pop Nine". 

***** 

Hillary Clinton has launched a new TV ad in which she calls for stricter gun control. 

- She's been big on gun control ever since she found out Bill couldn't keep his pistol in his holster. 

*****

Spirit and Frontier Airlines are increasing their checked baggage fees just for the Holiday season. 

- On the bright side, you can carry-on all of the emotional baggage you picked up spending Thanksgiving with your in-laws for free.

*****

Some groups are calling for SNL to pull Donald Trump as guest host of this Saturday's show because of his anti-Mexican comments.  

- To appease critics, The Donald invited a Mexican couple - a Mr. Jimmy Chunga and his wife Jilly Con Queso to the taping of the show. 

*****

The big rumor in Hollywood is that Tom Brady's wife Gisele Bundchen had a boob job. 

- Apparently Tom thought she was a bit on the deflated side. 

- She didn't want the surgery but Tom said if she was a real Patriot she'd go thru with it. 

*****

On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus saw corn for the first time. 

- And on this day in 1992, Charlie Sheen saw Porn for the first time. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

High Tech Tots? OMG...

A Yahoo News survey found that 75% of American children will own a mobile device by age 4. 

- So look for a flood of tweets like "Dora the Explorer Rules" and "I haven't wet my bed in a month! #ByeByeRubberSheets". 

- Basically today's kids think "An Apple For The Teacher" means you have to buy them an iPhone. 

*****

Ohio voted down a proposal yesterday that would have legalized medical marijuana and "recreational" pot smoking.

- Even The Ohio State football team voted against it...because they couldn't read the ballot.  

*****

President Obama said that if Republican candidates can't handle CNBC Debate moderators, there's no way they can handle Vladimir Putin. 

- Well it takes one to know one. 

*****

A study by the CDC found that sleep deprived people strongly crave high calorie foods. 

- So in addition to her other problems...Rosie O'Donnell must be an insomniac.  

*****

OJ Simpson is vehemently denying rumors that he slept with Kris Jenner and that he may be Khloe Kardashian's biological Dad. 

- OJ has now asked to be released from prison so he can spend everyday of the rest of his life looking for the real father. 

- Poor Khloe. First her Ex-Step Dad becomes her Ex-Step Mom and now this. 

*****

A fire gutted Johnny Mathis' Hollywood mansion Monday night. 

- When asked if arson was a possibility Johnny said "Chances are...But It's Not For Me To Say". 

- Needless to say he was upset, telling a firefighter "Look at me...I'm as misty as a kitten up a tree". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

It's Election Day! And Speaking of Politicians...

President Obama announced a series of steps that will make it easier for former prisoners to get jobs after their release. 

- Good news Kwame! You should have no problem getting a job as a Walmart Greeter when you get sprung in 2037 at the age of 67! 

*****

Carly Fiorina slammed the women on The View for criticizing her smile at the GOP debate. 

- Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar went ballistic, using expletives and storming off the set. No wait... that was during a segment on Pumpkin Pie recipes. 

*****

Polls show that young women are "not into" Hillary Clinton. 

- Bill doesn't care...as long as young women are still into HIM. 

*****

Pope Francis has scheduled a trip to Mexico in February. 

- If he really wants to reach Mexican people, he should come back to the United States.

*****

The new Star Wars movie doesn't open until December 18th, but AMC Theaters have already announced that movie-goers can wear costumes, but they have to turn off their Light Sabers during the film. 

- The same thing happened at the opening of "Debbie Does Dallas". 

*****

A study out of Sweden shows that two Diet or Regular soda pops a day can increase Mens' risk of heart failure by 25%. 

- The announcement caused a lot of men to take a Big Gulp. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Stand Up Jokes And Fall Down Accidents

TV insiders say that big time partier and "Tonight Show" host Jimmy Fallon may be headed to rehab for alcohol abuse after injuring himself 3 times in the last 4 months while intoxicated. A friend of Fallon says "He's a mess". 

- Jay Leno said he feels bad for Fallon...and immediately began working on his comeback monologue. 

*****

Hope you had a great Halloween! It's always fun to dress up and pretend you're something you're not...like the Lions! They went to London dressed up like a Professional Football Team. They lost 45-10.

- The last time something that embarrassing happened in London it involved a Hooker and Prince Harry in a Nazi uniform. 

*****

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals who won the World Series for the first time in 30 years when they defeated the Mets 7-2 last night in the 12th inning of Game 5. 

- Let the countdown for the Tigers' Spring Training begin!   

*****

Donald Trump told a Florida audience that his biggest weakness it that he "trusts people too much". 

- For instance, he "trusts" that everybody in America is going to vote for him. 

*****

Tiger Woods' longtime Caddy has written a book in which he claims Tiger treated him "like a slave", threw clubs around and spit in the holes if he missed a putt during practice.  

- But he admitted it didn't happen that often because Tiger spent most of his down time puttering around with his mistresses. 

*****

Apple has opened it's first store in Saudi Arabia. 

- It's in a strip mall right next to Bed, Bath & Burkas. 

- The store sells the same phones they do here, except Siri isn't allowed to talk.  

*****

Sources say another woman was assaulted by Bill Cosby years ago - this one was his kid's Nanny. 

- Her story is just like Cosby's other accusers...except this time it's with the Nanny and a spiked juice box.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #177: "Happy Halloween...And Happy Birthday to Daughter #3, Jill!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Halloween weekend and Podcast #177. Today Jackie and I go Trick or Treating for topics and end up with: 

- Halloween Costumes (including the one I wore when I used to take my girls out that didn't exactly stand up to the weather). 

- The costume Jackie wore last year... that nobody "got". 

- Why the on-air people who work at different radio stations who, for the most part, don't socialize with each other.

- We talk about a Plastic Pumpkin full of people including: Tom Shannon, Joey Reynolds, Cary Grant, Dyan Cannon, Lee Alan, Big Al, Pat St. John from Sirius XM, plus Jim Brandstatter & Robbie Timmons.

- And finally a "House of Horrors" (for U of M fans) ...the infamous dropped punt. 

So hop on a broomstick and fly into Podcast #177.  (29:24) Unlike most Halloween treats...it won't cause cavities! 

Have a great weekend, don't forget to turn back your clocks Sunday morning at 2am, and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

GOP PO'ed

Candidates at last night's Republican Presidential Debate took aim, not so much at each other, but at CNBC and it's moderators for trying to pit the Candidates against each other, asking "stupid" questions and showing a clear Democrat bias. Here's an example...

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie shamed CNBC moderators for a question on fantasy football. “Fantasy Football? We have ISIS and al Qaeda attacking us and we’re talking about fantasy football?” When the moderator tried to interrupt him, Christie added “Even in New Jersey what you’re doing is called rude.”

- The moderator was left with egg on his face, which Christie them scrambled and ate as a post-debate snack. 

*****

Carly Fiorina, who is trailing in the polls, said last night that she is "Hillary Clinton's worst nightmare". 

- Bill Clinton was thrilled saying "And all this time I thought I was Hillary's worst nightmare!" 

*****

Big morning for Paul Ryan as he becomes the Speaker of the House, taking the reigns from the retiring John Boehner. 

- As a parting honor to Boehner, Ryan had his face spray-tanned before heading to Congress.

*****

A study by Clear Labs has found Human DNA in 14% of packaged Hot Dogs.

- I've found that if you put on enough mustard and relish, you can barely taste the DNA. 

*****

Beverly Hills dermatologist Arnie Klein, known as the "Father of Botox", passed away on Monday of natural causes at the age of 70. 

- He was 70, but didn't look a day over 25.    

- Mourners at his funeral showed little emotion...because they can't.  

*****

A condom store in Pennsylvania is under fire for a window display that shows two skeletons having sex. 

- That sounds like something that would happen in Transylvania not Pennsylvania. 

- I suspect the skeletons are missing some necessary parts.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

You'll Kick Yourself If You Miss This One...

Attention MSU fans...two footballs used in the now famous MSU/Michigan game a week ago and signed by Mark Dantonio are up for auction. The highest bid so far is $2500. 

- They had planned on auctioning off the one used by Michigan's Punter, but somebody dropped the ball on that one. 

*****

Speaking of U of M, Coach Jim Harbaugh had some advice for trick or treaters on "Inside The Huddle". He said kids should have two different costumes so they can hit each house two times. 

Note to Kids: If you come to my house, that means you'll get TWO ladles of soup in your pillow case! 

*****

Costume retailers say that this Halloween most people will dress up as Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. 

- It'll work out great since it's supposed to be cold this weekend and both costumes come with pants. 

- A lot of people were going to dress up as Joe Biden, but after thinking about doing it for a couple of months, changed their minds at the last minute. 

*****

An MIT study found that Global Warming will make parts of the Persian Gulf too hot for the human body to tolerate by the end of the century.

- So make sure to book your Syrian Beach Vacation now.

- This is going to make the "Wet Burka Contest" even hotter! 

*****

Kim Kardashian is 7 months pregnant and says she feels like a "$%^#&@! Whale". She added that her unborn son is sitting on her bladder and she has to pee every five minutes. 

- Her ex-step-Dad, Caitlyn, is having the same problem, but her's is due to an enlarged Prostate. 

*****

A pack of crackers that was handed out on the Titanic's lifeboats has sold at auction for $23,000. 

- The crackers go down great with a nice Iceberg lettuce salad. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

To The Moon, Alice!

Today is "Worldwide Howl at the Moon Day". 

- It all started the first time Kanye West saw Kim Kardashian take her pants off. 

*****

The Lions lost again yesterday bringing their record to 1-6. 

- "The Team That Never Fails To Disappoint". 

*****

Donald Trump told a Florida crowd that "America will go to Hell" if Hillary Clinton is elected President. 

- And millions of illegal immigrants "will go to Mexico" if HE's elected President. 

*****

The Secret Service suspended two agents who fell asleep on duty early last week. 

- They got tired waiting for Joe Biden to make up his mind. 

*****

The iPod turns 14 this week. 

- So if your iPod "sleeps" all the time and refuses to do what you want, it's because it's a teenager now. 

*****

Bill Cosby was seen walking the streets of New York City on Saturday. 

- He went to a broadway show. Apparently he had nothing to do since he'd run out of pills.  

*****

A study by U of M  found that cheese is just as addictive as drugs. 

- Finally...an answer to my Cheetos addiction. 

*****

A Price Is Right model stumbled and fell during a showcase segment. 

- She got right back up, and in the spirit of Bob Barker, had her pets spayed and neutered immediately after the show. 

*****

The Steve Jobs Biopic earned just $2.4 million in its first day of nationwide release. 

- Apple refers to it as the iFail. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick